February Summary

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.

Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.

Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. (2 parts)

We are in November, can you believe it? 2022 is almost over. I hope all of you got to do everything you wanted to this year. For me this year was kind of like a transformation and repurpose year because last year was my pain year due to things I had to undergo and force me to reshift my focus and rebalance a few things. This year was good, I got another degree in May which is also my birthday month so I have a great celebration. Then in August I decided to go back into school and work on a doctorate’s degree. So yeah, this year has been a hustle and there’s 2 more months left, so there’s not telling what more could happen. I’m not a zodiac or horoscope type of person, but I do believe in the magic of the universe and people. I believe that energies connect with one another whether positive or negative and become something bigger.

I just learned that on November 8th there is going to be a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, and the next one won’t happen for another 3 years. With this eclipse, I read that spiritually, it is about ending cycles, and letting go of pain and bad habits. Well why would you want to hold on to those things anyway? Those are heavy to carry. It’s also about getting out of your comfort zones, speaking your truths and feelings, having new insights, opening your eyes to transformation…wait, didn’t I just say this year as my transformational year? And the eclipse is in Taurus ♉️ during the time of Scorpio ♏️, which I do not know what that exactly means, but my birth sign is Taurus, and both Taurus and Scorpio people will be most affected by this eclipse. For fun I added some other details about the eclipse and it’s spiritual elements. 💫

WARNING: This is going to sound like a sappy romance novel which is funny because that's one of genres that I least like to read. And many times in those stories the two people who surprise each other are the ones who either didn't get along or disputed too much or didn't really open their eyes to each other in the beginning. I don't believe there’s a current man in my life whose able to surprise me. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before.

I kind of want to be chased, pursued, but men don’t do that anymore these days. They expect the woman to make the first moves. I wasn’t raised like that. I hate this younger social media generation that has changed the dynamics of relationships and love. It’s like the most basic actions like a guy opening the door for you or paying the restaurant tab, or just texting you to say good morning is seen a elite behavior when really, it’s just being a decent man. I’ll just say it, these girls today set the bar very low for these men and woman like me are not impressed. 😒

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll keep saying it: I value intimacy. I love creating a connection with someone, I think when 2 people just breathe in each other, it’s a beautiful euphoria. I value someone who wants to know me on a deeper level and not just what I like to do for fun. Someone who knows that I like the wing flats and saves me some. Someone who says, “No, she is not like that.” when my name is brought up in conversations and he affirms that he really knows me. It’s not just having conversations, it’s seeing me in my all my elements. I want to be special to him, not just someone who is only special on certain days. I want someone to say, “Hey I’m heading to a place you should come.” It doesn't have to be a lot because to me, the little things matter. Like giving me compliments, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, walking me to my door. Someone who chooses me while we’re in this together however long it lasts, and doesn't mind letting other women know I’m important to him. 😘

I want a lover. I like that term, “Lover”, it can mean so many things, but it’s the idea of two people making the most of every moment they are around each other and this may just sound like a good friendship and initially, that is what it is, a friendship with extra care and passion. Just like how you would take care of a plant or maintain your car, you have to cultivate the love. When I say “love” I'm not meaning it in the way couples may use it, I’m referring to it as a feeling of freedom and happiness. And the great thing about having a lover is that sometimes lovers are not forever, sometimes they are temporary and temporary can be any timeframe. A healthy distraction from work and school may be good for me, but with the way I’m going I can’t say how realistic that could be.

I don’t want a marriage, I want a romance. You see, you can love many people in your life and be with many people and each of them is different, right? So I want to have an experience that I've never had before. I want him to hold me like no man has ever before. And I want him to look at me and be so proud to even know me, let alone be able to have me. I want him to smile when he sees me walk into a room or when my name pops up on his phone.

I don’t want us to fit into the world around us, but rather the world be intrigued by us, because we refuse to conform to what is considered normal. Intimacy isn't just sex, it’s the actions of compassion. A homie, lover, friend, that’s what each of us should have…in one person. 🥰

Are You Who You Believe?

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I’m an “excitable” personality, meaning I can be abrupt and abrasive when I want to get my point across or when I just want to vent and say something out loud. Right now, I’m making strides to be better with my communication tactics and to get better at keeping in contact with people and responding to them in a timely and speak good things to them. I can go through distant phases and although people who have known me for a long time know that I mean no harm by it, but is it good practice? Probably not. It's really just bad manners. 👎🏽

You have to think that some people may not NEED you to respond, but instead just appreciate a response. Even if you're busy, you can take a moment and say, “Hey, I’m in the middle of something right now, I’ll call you later.” Or “Hey, I got caught up on a project today, sorry I didn't respond sooner.” Or “Hey, I’m not myself right now, I'll call you in a few days.” — You don't have to share all the details on what's keeping you tied up, just at least let people know you did get their message and you’ll respond when you can. I can't stand the read receipt features, it’s like you're micromanaging your text messages and can cause you to be upset if someone read your message, but didn't respond. I know iPhone has that feature kind of like back when people used Blackberry messenger. 😒 (Yeah, I’m revealing my age a little here.)

Do you know people who you feel you can't give your honest opinion about them because they take it as you're picking at them, or grilling them, or not accepting them for who they are? When really you just see something that isn’t making them as great as they should be. I feel like men are more like this, when you try to share something honest with them and they get defensive and make it seem like you're the one with the issue. — Nah Fam, you’re out here looking like a clown and I’m just trying to tell you about it. — A good friend should be able to tell you when something isn't a good look for you. But hey, if you want to be out here spinning your wheels and stuck going through the same motions, knock yourself out. 👍🏽It's like stop trying to tell a story that your actions don't prove.

You should have people in your life who challenges your bad habits and encourages your good ones. I believe everyone has room to improve upon themselves otherwise you are content and stagnant. And it's not just personal improvements, it’s also financial improvement, relationship improvements, improving your surroundings and the people around you. If I'm the best person among my group of friends then I won’t be motivated to change anything because everyone around me already thinks so I'm perfect so why change? But you also have to think, if these same people are not motivated by you to improve themselves and they stay stagnant, then you're not really doing them any justice either. You're just passing the time with them. — Which sometimes we need people like that in our lives, but we don’t get too close to them.

Some of you have even asked me how to get started with your own website and how to earn money from it. I gave you some pointers, but I also told you it’s going to take time and effort before you start seeing revenue and rewards. Just like with my career, it took a few years before I started earning money that took me into a different tax bracket. But it also took me deciding what type of life I wanted. When I was 19/20 I worked in retail. A store at the mall and I knew this wasn't something I wanted to do long term. Same thing when I was 15/16 and working as a hostess at a restaurant, not for me. So I had to get focused and plan out the money I wanted to make, the skills I needed, and the education I had to earn. And today, things are great, but it can always be better.

No, you are not your career and you are not your money, but those things can improve your life further more improving how you view life. I’m about to have a child in college, she may or may not work while in school because I told her I’d cover all her expenses the first 2 years (and I'm not sure what scholarships and grants she might get, so hopefully my bill won't be too high) and she'll probably have the traditional college life, studying, partying, staying out late, etc. But if my baby is doing better than you or has more ambition than you or you're living similar to a college student minus the studies then how am I going to consider you? Are you where you want to be and are you who you want to be? It’s a bit weird when there is such an age gap between two people, but they seem to have the same mentality. 🤔

I like having fun people around me, but I also like having motivated people around me who are on the same wavelengths in life, who not only make me feel great about who I am, but also inspire me. People who want to keep climbing, I’m not retiring yet and I want to keep my lifestyle a certain way, so I’m still hungry. 😋

And with many people they don’t always remember everything you've done, just the last thing you've done. I learned this in business. I also learned that most men are like this with women, how you made them feel last is what they think first. It doesn't matter if you’ve always been there for them, but if you upset them recently they hold it against you and forget everything else and not think about what you're possibly dealing with 😔. One of my guy friends told me once that someone we both know bullshits a lot, meaning he doesn't always let people know what’s really going on in order to save face or keep a certain image. So he’s not always who he believes he is. I’ve said before that men are stupid right? 😒

We have to remember that we are not the only ones in our lives, don’t mistreat the people who only wanted to love you. And apologizing is not a weakness, it's actually an amazing character trait that shows your willingness to grow and have empathy. ❤️Goodness, if only some people knew all I did in the background to make sure they were okay…but I rather keep that to myself. 🤐

If you say you're a good friend, are you a good friend or are you selective with your friends? Do you notice when you're friends are there for you even if they just stay quiet in the background? What about you as a partner? Are you supportive and listen to your partner? Do you notice when you partner is down? Do you try to make their bad days good? How about family? Are you really who you believe yourself to be? Or can you do better?