Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

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The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

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Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

Health & Wellness

Before we begin, here is my TedTalk message: "Before you rush back to normal, think about what normal you are rushing back to."

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional and I suggested you doing your own research on any of the items I mention. — Although, you may be able to call me “Dr.” in a few years. 🎓 I think I'll be okay with people calling me "Dr. Ray" as opposed to using my last name...since people have a hard time with it and it's a whole mouthful anyway. Hell, most people don't even know how to pronounce my first name or even know what my first name is.

I'm finally getting around to answering some questions about a few ways to stay healthy and putting it all in one place for reference. I'm sorry, I know some of you requested a video, but honestly, I really don't like recording all that much and I always lose my train of thought. It's just better for me to write it out. I am also working on a draft for tips on how to buy, sell, and manage stocks, stay tuned for that.

*I hyperlinked each item so you can read more details.

Supplements and Detoxing. (There are many supplements, vitamins, and detox methods you can take, these are the main ones I use.)

• Apple Cider Vinegar: Available in gummies or liquid form and capsules. If you get the liquid, make sure it's with the 'Mother'.
  
  Detox Drink with ACV
  1 part ACV
  1 part lemonade (optional)
  2 parts water

  Lemons slices (optional)

  Grounded Cayenne Pepper (optional)

This drink helps with weights loss.

You've heard of the Freshman 15, yes? Well, the Quarantine 15 is just a real and I fell victim to it. I was so proud of myself in January, I was telling a friend that my number was getting lower and that I was close to my goal weight and now...well, now I shudder at the scale. Whatever number you may think I weigh, I'm willing to bet it's much less than my actual weight right now; even my friend thought I was much less and that was when I was at a "good" number -- add about 20 lbs to the number you're thinking. You may be saying there is nothing wrong with what I may weigh -- I've learned to wear my clothes well and the number I set for my weight is part of the standards I've created for myself....Plus, ya girl ain't no spring chicken, so I need to be very careful with how I take care of my body. I’m not trying to meet my 50’s feeling like I’m struggling in my 70’s.

• Elderberry: Available in gummies or liquid form and capsules. Helps boost immunity.

• Melatonin: I only use this when I have trouble sleeping, especially more so now with all that is going on. I get the gummy form and I get the kid's version of the gummies. When I took the adult version, I noticed I'd get bad dreams and then could not fall back to sleep…defeating the purpose. Also in capsules.

• B12 Vitamins (gummy): I don't take these often, but it does help with energy. Also in capsules.

• Iron Supplements (gummy): Same with these, I don't take often and they also help with energy. Also in capsules.

• Herbal Teas: Drinking tea helps with digestion, maintaining weight, and can help with lowering stress and anxiety levels. Chamomile with lavender tea helps clam the nerves. My go-to tea is green tea, I'll just add a dab of honey for sweetness (I use honey for my coffee too.) I also travel with teas and just ask for a hot cup of water.

• *Golden Milk (I drink this about once a week because of all its benefits): Improves memory and speeds learning, Reduces free-radical damage and oxidative stress, Relieves arthritis pain and inflammation, Improves blood pressure and reduces LDL cholesterol, Prevents or inhibits colon, breast, and pancreatic cancers

  Main Ingredients:

  • 2 cups light coconut milk (you can also do almond milk or 1 cup coconut and 1 cup almond milk)

  • 1 teaspoon ground turmeric (turmeric does come in supplement capsules)

  • ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon

  • Pinch of black pepper

  Optional Ingredients:

  • 1 teaspoon raw honey or agave

  • ¼ teaspoon ground ginger

  • Pinch of ground cayenne pepper

If any of you have problems with sore muscles or back/neck pain all of the above can help you get relive over time, but if you need the tension to go away faster, take a look at THIS. I use this item maybe every other week to help sooth tension between my neck and shoulders. I also use this acupuncture mat and pillow that has worked well for me. (No, I don't sleep on it. I just lay on both for about 30 minutes when I need to.)

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Eating and Cooking.

Incorporate as much fruits and vegetables in your meals as you can. I eat a lot of tropical fruits like mango, pineapple, leche, rambutan, kiwi, and a lot of the normal fruits such as apples, oranges, berries, etc. It's also best to cook with fresh herbs and spices. I started a garden in the last few months, below is what I'm currently growing. *The ones that are starred are plants I use most often when cooking.

Habanero Peppers / Jalapeno Peppers / Sweet Peppers / *Thai Chili Peppers / *Cayenne Peppers / *Sweet Basil / *Thai Basil / Sage / Cilantro / Lemongrass / Spearmint / Sweet Mint / Chocolate Mint / Oregano / Lemons / Limes / Tomatoes / Ginger / *Rosemary / *Thyme / Bell Peppers / Blueberries / Clementines / Leche / Aloe Vera

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Beauty Routine. (The beauty business is a multi billion dollar industry! I used to be a strong advocate for Cover Girl, Revlon, and MAC -- although there are still a few beauty items I use and a few of my friend have their own beauty lines that I support, I refuse to spend more that $20 on one product. And I refuse to spend more than 10 minutes preparing my face for an outing.)

Honestly, I don't have a regimen I use daily. I also stopped wearing makeup about 3 years ago. I'll only make attempts at doing up my face for weddings and ceremonies. At best, I'll do a color lip and darken my eyebrows for everyday occurrences.

If I could go back in time and talk to the high school me or even first year college me, I'd tell her, "Pooh Bear, you are going to experience so much in life especially in your 20's which going to allow you to mentally grow faster than your peers. You are also going to meet so many amazing people and see some beautiful places. You will relocate a few times, but don't worry, you seem to always find a way to make new environments YOURS. You will get several degrees, create several small businesses, and be able to live the life you deserve. Enjoy the ride."

I mainly use 3 items on my skin.

1. Alba Botanica Hawaiian Pineapple Cleanser (Confession: I don't cleanse my face every day. Some days I just rinse with water. My skin has been doing very well since doing away with foundation and powders and resorting to natural oils. I still get blemishes here and there, but my face is a lot fresher, brighter and healthier.)

   I switch between the items below for moisturizers. You can use them in the morning or before bed.

2. Castor Oil

3. Rosehip Oil

4. *Aloe Vera Spray - This one is an extra and you can use it on your face or hair. If you have the plant, it's great for your skin to use on blemishes, cuts, and bug bites.

(Satin sheets and pillow covers are also good for skin and hair.)

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Teeth.

Remember that I mentioned teeth are important? Well, here are the items I use including an amazing travel friendly pre-pasted toothbrush.

• Bamboo Toothbrush with Activated Charcoal Bristles

• Activated Charcoal Toothpaste - If you still want to use your normal toothpaste you can opt for charcoal powder and dip your toothbrush with your toothpaste into the powder.

• Disposable Travel Toothbrushes - This is my FAVORITE carry item. I always have a few on hand with me where ever I go. I also use the Colgate Wisp brushes and never had any issues, but the other brand individually wraps the brushes which I greatly appreciate.

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Hair Care.

If you've seen me or met me when I had my natural hair color, then you've known me a LONG TIME -- Thank you for being here. Because my hair is heavily processed, I have to make sure to keep it moisturized.

At least once a month I do an oil mask on my hair. I use the following oils (separately):

• Tea Tree Oil

• Macadamia Oil

• Almond Oil

• Coconut Oil

• And here is an oil blend that is great for hair and skin. (Many oils can be used on both hair and skin. -- You really can't go wrong with natural products.)

Soak your hair in one of the oils and leave it for at least 30 minutes (sometimes I leave it in for a few hours) then rinse out with your choice of shampoo, no need for conditioner unless you want to. And I try not to use any styling products in my hair aside from leave-in conditioner.

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Body.

I began using pure shea butter last year and swear by it. I add a bit of coconut oil to make the shea butter easier to apply and the combination of the two keeps my skin looking hydrated and really healthy. I usually get compliments on how soft my skin is, not in a creepy way, it was mainly while people shake my hand they'll comment, but this was even before I started using shea butter -- skin moisture has always been a top priority for me.

….Why, thank you Joseph.

Previously, I used other brands such as Jergens and Vaseline. I've not had any issues with these brands, I just began preferring more natural products on my skin. 

For bar soaps, I love African Black Soaps and Tumeric Soaps.  These are great for maintaining healthy skin and helps with removing dark spot by evening your skin tone.

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Comfort Food Suggestion: Oxtails (I used a dutch oven to make this)

1. Overnight marinade: Jamaican Jerk Seasoning / All Seasoned Salt / Black Pepper / Cayenne Pepper / Soy Sauce / Brown Sugar / Worcestershire Sauce

2. I braised the meat before putting into the pot.

3. In the pot: Garlic Cloves / Carrots / Yellow Onion / Scallions / Lima Beans / Scotch Bonnet or Habaneros / Beef Broth / Ketchup / Bay Leaves / Thyme

4. Cook Time 4 hours at 275° (If you use a pressure cooker you can make this is about an hour)

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Don't fret Sir, for the sake of everyone's safety, I'm not letting anyone date me. Besides, a Lady shouldn't entertain every man who thinks she's pretty...and the right man will value her for that.

I'm allowed to be high maintenance because I'm the one who's maintaining it.

Different Languages

What did Tevin Campbell say? "Can we talk for a minute?"

Let's face it, men and women speak different languages, whether it is family, friends, or lovers.  A man may not receive what I say how I delivered it to mean and I cannot assume he will automatically know the intent of my words.  Yet, what I can be aware of is the person of whom I am speaking with.  Depending on your audience, you may have to adjust your speech, the words you use, the tone you use them in, your expressions, your body language, all of that, so there is no misunderstanding but, again....different languages.

So, what if the conversation is through text and someone misinterpreted the meaning of your message?  Again, know your audience, although, in the same sense, your audience should know you as well.  Either way, depending on the connection you have with said person, you may need to decipher whether or not it is worth explaining your meaning or intent.  If the one who misunderstood, lashed out before any clarity, then I suggest accessing the reality of this person in true form and not even invest anymore thought in communicating at all.  Why continue to look at your dirty hands when you can just wash them clean?  Buuuut...it's not my business how you communicate or how frequently you communicate with silly people.  Carrying on...

I have realized that some men tend to forget they are speaking with a woman and say things that just make NO SENSE AT ALL! (Okay, I know I have male readers, I am not a man, so my perspective is purely of a woman and my experiences with your kind.  Sorry but, not really.) And I find myself giving a sideways look or reaction as if to say, "Did this just happen?  Am I slow?  Did I miss something?  Is he speaking to me like that?  Is he serious?"...Then my mind wanders elsewhere..."I wonder if my dry cleaning is done.  Did I pay my car note yet?  What did my boss want me to do tomorrow?"

Here is my disclaimer: I am going to be very frank to any man who is reading this and any man I come across, I don't do the dramatics especially if you are a MAN.  Yes, at times I am overzealous, facetious, and nonchalant, not for reasons of being a woman but, for reasons of where I am at in my life right now.  And YES, I can be dramatic if I want to, why? BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, it is in my nature and in my contract with God to be an emotional mess when necessary or unnecessary.  Unfair?  Oh well, write a book or pray about it.  And I know for damn sure I am not quiet about my opinions on love and romance at this point in my juncture; ask any man who has had a conversation with me about it.  So if you have an issue, state it.  Whether you feel I am being cold, insensitive, selfish, spoiled, stubborn, whatever, tell me but, please collect your thoughts before hand and make sure your monologue is something I will be receptive to....if I do not respond, WAIT.  DO NOT begin to assume anything of what I may be thinking.  I guarantee you cannot fathom how my thought process works.

If a good amount of time goes by and I do not respond, then contact me again, because if you were not aware, let me educate you, I work, I have two children, I maintain a website, I read, I study, I have friends, I socialize, I live my life accordingly and there is a possible chance that I did not have time to answer you.  Yet, if I consider you a genuine friend, someone I can see a steady connection with, then I do make a point to set time aside to respond (Note: This list of men who I consider in this manner is very small...more like one person whom has been very patient with me, accepts who and where I am in my life at this moment, so yes, this one man does get very thoughtful and thorough words from me and has been just as consistent with his communication towards me.  I do have other guy friends I catch up with from time to time but, they are in a different category from this particular man).

Also make note, I will prolong my response to you if you were in anyway demeaning, aggressive, or shown me a completely unappealing side of you, in which case I may never respond.  So speak to me in the language that YOU feel is correct as a man and I will speak to you in the language that I feel is correct as a woman.  If there is misunderstanding, address it and be patient, or let it all the way go.  I use myself as the reference since I cannot speak for all women but, the many I know concur with these thoughts. 

Adding to the topic of interpretation....

What say you of this? Initially when I read it, I did not understand the meaning but, the statement is left open for you to distinguish your own meaning.

My view of it is both men are behind masks so anyone's face could be under that mask.  Batman represents heroism, doing good for others, making the right decisions, and everything we are taught as children to do or be mindful of.  The Joker on the other hand, represents everything else.  I do not necessarily see him as the face of evil but, more so the face of reality......the reality that the world is not as perfect once we walk pass our mailboxes.  The reality that the world contains so much more chaos then we would like it to have and not everyone is a hero at all times.....not even Batman.  And while you are letting that sink in, let me add another thought for your cerebrum....Batman is always so serious even as Bruce Wayne, just very stern, while Joker is always smiling even when being defeated....and they both seem to have an equal amount of weight on their shoulders.  Yup, let that marinate.

Speaking of marinate...
I was elected to cook this weekend....yup, while I was away from home but, my friend was away from home as well, so no, I did not mind at all especially since the request was pork chops!  Que in Lionel Richie...Hello...