A Reader's Rant: Age Gaps

June 23, 2023

“When life tries to test you, stay busy.”

Before you start reading or listening to the audio, here is conversation between a friend and myself. My messages are in blue.

The more I'm staying focused on myself, the more I stand firm on the notion that I DO NOT have to accept anything that upsets me or isn't keeping me in good spirits. And also I shouldn't have to keep telling people what I don’t have the patience for. I have enough people in my life who’ve known me for a long time and who take me into consideration and pay attention to what I do and say, so I don’t really need to make any new friends who aren't of the same hallmarks.

I also think it's very sassy and childish to block someone, because I have the discipline not to respond or answer, so I don't do things like that, but I am going to distance myself from this person. I gave as much grace as this person deserved, but I do not need to give anymore, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Like I said, this person has not been in my life a long time, and does not have a big impact on my life, and is not adding any substantial happiness, so it's really a simple decision, wouldn’t you agree?

I want value added and that’s all that matters at this point.

This site has really become more than I expected. In 2008, I never thought this my words would gain so much interest and momentum across the world. I am so grateful to all of you. It does take me some time to read through all of your messages, but I do read them. There is a reader in particular who asked if I can share her “rant” about men who prey on younger girls (I think she means legal age, and is more referring to inappropriate age gaps). When I first read the message, I thought it was one of my friends who is very adamant about this topic, like so adamant that she has the worst opinions on men who are like this, but I checked and it was not from my friend. I am not going to record me reading the rant, I’ll just leave it for you to read and interpret in your own way. I have become more on the fence with this topic ONLY because there are younger men who are interested in me, BUT I have a limit to how far they can take their interest and I don’t give them any false hope with me.

I feel like if we are going to be hard on men who fool around with younger women, then we should be just as hard on women who do the same with younger men. Although, I think the main difference between the two is that older women go into it anticipating on the situation to be temporary and just for fun, while older men go into those situation anticipating an ongoing relationship. Don’t hold me to this because I really don’t know and I don’t really have substantial experience in this area. I know when I was younger I did get involved with a man who was much older and in hindsight, I think for me it was this great big deal that I was seeing an older guy and he was so gorgeous, all the girls wanted him, but for him I was just a pretty face and someone to kick it with when he was available because he wasn’t thinking anything long-term with me. I was young and dumb and got my hopes up with someone I shouldn’t have. But, hey I guess that was just an experience I had to go through to teach me something. Such is life. And I think for the younger men and women, it’s more for image, status, and possibly stability to be with someone older. When I hear some of the young girls talk, they seem to always mention what an older man has or what he can do. They say things like, He has money. He has a good job. He drives a nice car. He has his own house. Or they’ll try to feel him out and ask him what he does for a living and all those things garners their interest towards him. I’m not saying this is always the case, but you have to think, what is the young person gaining from this situation?

Anyway, go ahead and read through what the woman set me and you are welcome to send in your thoughts about this. I will say that I do agree with a lot of what she was saying, but take a few moments to read it and we’ll recap at the bottom.

Hey Raya! Love your posts! Can you share this in a future post? I understand if you don’t but I want to share my thoughts on these old ass men who are out here f*cking around with these young girls. They need to be ashamed! Got these little girls thinking they going to be their girlfriends and wives knowing damn well these men will get laughed at and looked at crazy if they bring her around they friends and family. What do these men be thinking?!!! You don't have anything in common with these little girls except sex! You gonna tell me a 28 year girl thinks the same way as a 48 year old man???? NO! And if she does, then it’s something wrong with the man. Is you serious my n1gah? Got these girls gassing you because you can’t be the man a grown woman wants. Yall want to train these little girls. And then you end up being the old man at the club with a bunch of 20 year olds talking about what they talk about and doing what they doing and paying for everything. It’s disgusting and you letting them think they got you because you out here trying to defend your predatory habits. You n1gahs like them girls gone wild type shit that be shaking they @sses on every other n1gah, smoking and letting random n!gahs prour drinks down their throats and you think that type of girl is the one for you. These little girls got daddy issues and want to be seen and your dumb@sses don’t see through it. Yall are despicable! Stop going to their playgrounds and start being grown!

👀 Whew! That was a lot, right? So I did not change any of the language in the message, I did adjust some of the spelling of the offensive words because I don’t want to get flagged 😂. So what do you think about this?

Fellas, I’m going to try to defend you on to some limit. Say you are just hanging out and a young lady starts to converse with you and you two are just enjoying your time out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I think if you make it a habit, then it may be a little questionable. Like now that same girl is coming around you more or you’re inviting her out or developing a rapport with her that leads her to believe she has an in with you. That’s when things may look a little fcked up from people who know you better and think more of you. Like for instance, if I were to start dating a younger man and bringing him around and telling people we are in a serious relationship, my friends would look at me crazy and pull me to the side and let me know in one way or another that’s not a good look for me (well, some of my friends would say this right in front of him) 😏. Even if I don’t say that I’m in a serious relationship with a young man, but I am bringing him around more, my friends are cool with me having fun, but being serious about someone who isn’t on my level is a red flag to them. And that’s because they know me and they don’t want me being stupid.

Thank you to the reader who shared her thoughts, I hope the rest of you do not take this post as a negative because I want you to weed through the undertones and find the positive message. But if you could not find anything positive, let me lead you…

Who doesn’t like a good bathroom selfie???

So here is my overall thought on this. If you are at a certain age and every now and then want to have fun like you did when you were younger, do it, but don’t blur the lines between the younger crowd and the crowd that is more your caliber, people who speak your same language, who have hit the same milestones you have, and who can better understand your ways or your personality because they have maneuvered through the same life’s hurdles and responsibilities. There’s times I have fun with the younger people but that’s as far as I take it, just a good time.

My mentees are in their 20’s and the stuff they talk to me about I can speak on because I’ve been there and done that. And even though my mentees are working on their degrees, have degrees, and are career focused, they still like to go out and party, sometimes I go with them, but most times I just do things that more equate to my lifestyle.

So ladies and gentleman whom are 35 years old and up, do what makes you happy, but be cognizant with the people or the crowds you keep in contact with, more importantly the younger crowds. Make sure those people are not minimizing your way of thinking or causing you to retract back to thinking like a 20 year old again or adopting their ways. You are beyond that 💖. And I’m sure you have countless stories to share. I know I do! Continue to embrace the knowledge you hold, it took time to gain all that. Your wisdom is a part of your greatness 💞. It’s your power don’t let some 20 year old take that from you because they are still developing their knowledge and power. ✨

Be careful out there.

Questions? Comments?

August 31, 2022

NEW - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

A lot of you send me questions and comments. Remember, you can use the “Contact Me” option to anonymously send an inquiry. There's a few topics that keep coming up so let's address them.

Who takes your pictures? - I do. I have experience in photography and I offer services when my schedule allows it, so I have a lot of equipment that I use to take my own photos. Aside from that, I’m a fashion person and always trying to fine tune my personal style. I hate to admit this, but I am not financially responsible when it comes to shopping. I have about 4 closets that are jam packed with clothes and about 25% still has tags on it. Yes, I have a problem.

Why do think older men date younger girls? - This comes more and more I’ve noticed. I don’t think this is a new issue or if it is even an issue at all. Women are always quick to make jabs at men who are with younger women; making jokes about her age comparing what she knows and what she’s able to do since she doesn’t have the same life experience. I wrote about this topic a while back in, “She’s Too Young For You, Bro” but, I wouldn't get hung up on this too much. A good majority of men do this. I’ve seen it in ALL of my guy friends, none of them were unique in this category. Men in their 40s and 50s dating girls in their 20s. 😳

It’s always happened, no matter what decade we look into. I don’t really know the reason why. Maybe men like what the younger women are offering or how they are displaying themselves? From what I’ve seen, many of the younger crowd are very “ambitious” and “eager” for a certain type of attention. Social media has spawned an illustrious fantasy of partying and being wild and it’s an appealing attribute for much of the younger crowds and maybe the older men find that appealing too.

Remember when I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me? He was very sweet, but I realized very quickly there wasn't much we could talk about. He was at a different place in life than I am. But I did give him some credit and was very impressed that he was much further in life than others his age. He had his own fancy apartment, no roommates, already a few years into his career and extremely focused on aligning his skills to achieving more goals. He wasn't in an entry level job or working at as a cashier at a restaurant or store where he was waiting on something better to come along. Not that there's anything wrong with working at those positions, but he knew early on what he wanted to do and he started doing it. Yeah, that was impressive.

Back to the older men, I’m sure they have their reason, as questionable as it may look, but you don’t have to be involved with a man like that. If you notice a man always with a younger woman in his face, he probably doesn’t possess the qualities you want anyway. Although, I did mention all my guy friends have entertained younger girls, sometimes it was just for the moment in a club or lounge setting, but others did try to make something serious of it. Hey, if they're comfortable meeting her parents, much power to them.

And, I’m not romantically involved with any of them, so I don't bother them about it. But here's some perspective, when I was in my 20s, I was interested in older men. Many times we think older men are more mature, stable, emotionally conscious, and make better partners, but many of us realized THAT WASN’T ACCURATE. 😐 Men can be disappointing at any age.

Why did you disable the comments? - For anyone who doesn't recall, earlier this year and part of last year, the comments section was getting out of control and I did not have the bandwidth to manage it every hour. The comments were offensive to others and some of them were offensive to me, so it was just best to disable them and keep the, disabled. In the Member Only Reads, comments are allowed.

What are you studying now? - Some of you know I recently got accepted into a Doctoral Degree Program. My concentration is on Educational Leadership and Organizational Innovation. The program focuses on applications in real word settings and developing ways to administer change for improvements. The best thing about the program I chose is that my studies include the dissertation as oppose to other programs that have you study for 3-4 years and then work on your dissertation.

Why are you always talking about privacy even though you have a public website? - Privacy is very important to me and I still have to be very mindful of what I share and how much I share with the public. Even when I post things to my social media accounts, there’s always a wall of ambiguity.

Even with my friends and family, I do not share everything with them. If you notice with your own experiences, when you share something, people begin to expect you to continue sharing with them or updating them with more details about yourself. There’s things I do not mind sharing, such as the fact that I am in Grad school, but I’m not going to share details of my coursework, who my classmates are, or the names of my professors. I share surface level information…I hope that makes sense.

With my personal life I am protective of it. I may share my experiences, but I won’t share identifying details of who, what, when and where. For instance, if I get into a relationship, you are most likely never going to see a picture of him, unless it’s a wedding photo. And with my friends and family, they may never even know his name if it’s not serious and I’m very tight lipped on what intricate details I share with them about my relationships. When I was with my ex he would share EVERYTHING that happened in our relationship with people, but me on the other hand, I wanted to keep our matters within our home and with any issues, I wanted us to talk about it to each other, not to the world. And I continue to have this mindset. — For years, my friends knew I was vaguely involved with someone who I referred to as “Alabama”. And anytime they would ask about him, they would use the same moniker I gave him, “How's Alabama?”, “When’s the last time you saw Alabama?” — I would directly answer their questions and move onto the next topic. I wouldn't linger or go into any further details. I wasn't keeping anything secret, I feel like secrecy is lying with a twist. I was open about the fact I was sleeping with someone, I just decided to keep everything else between us. I don't have problem with people knowing certain things about me, but I want to live my personal life according to me, not everyone else.

Mind of a Boy

February 14, 2022

So this topic spawned from “Then What Good Is He?” post where some of you ladies shared your thoughts and experiences with men who seem to be fickle. One of you said, “Men who are unsure have the mind of a child and you will notice younger women around them because most younger women are still developing their futures.” I thought this was a very profound statement and want to go into it more. My friend groups range from 30s and up. I see my guy friends entertain women in their 20s here and there, but it never really works out and many of you can take a guess why. Also, I want to point out, we see older wealthy men or celebrity men date much younger women, but we have to understand their lives are not like ours so we cannot compare those groups together. We are talking about the everyday men, whatever their profession or tax bracket.

Yes, younger women seem to be more sexualized, we can attribute that to social media and reality television. Attention is visual and the mindset of many young women is to be seen and gawked at, so I fully understand why men like to look at them. I have a friend who is near 50 and he once told me, “ Young girls are good for the moment, not long term, they are fun, but unless I’m a man with no direction, I’m not taking a 24 year old seriously.” *I want to add this is NOT a dig at women in their 20’s, our generations were just exposed to different levels of sexuality. My core adolescents did not include any form of Kardashian, but the artists in my generation were Lil’ Kim, Trina, Madonna and Janet Jackson, so my age group isn’t fully off the hook either, but we also had some good family shows like Saved by The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show, etc. Let’s not forget that Marylin Monroe was sexualized too.

I loved and hated my 20’s, I had my kids young, finished my bachelor’s late, and went through a lot of stress with my ex, but when I think of it, if I waited to have children, I may not have had any today, and I may have not met the people I met or even made the moves I made. So certain poor decisions I made when I was younger helped me develop my goals. Everything that occurred in my 20’s was meant to happen so I can have the life I have today. And when I see an older man with a younger woman, I tend to wonder if this is one of her bad decisions that she is going to learn from or is this a poor decisions on the man’s behalf that’s impeding this young woman to have the 20’s experience she needs. I really believe that your 20’s is when you make all the mistakes, your 30’s is learning/recovering from those mistakes, your 40’s are where you continue to build, and your 50/60’s is when you start take it all in.

So one perspective is if a man finds interest in a much younger woman, is he in denial of his own age or avoiding something else? Another reader said, “A single man above 45 has serious baggage, commitment issues, and other demons.” - I’m not sure if I want to cosign on that, but I do wonder why a man of a certain age is still single. Although, there are men who are lifelong bachelors, but doesn’t he want partnership or doesn’t he get tired of skipping from one woman to the next only to go through the same cycle time and time again? — I guess there are women who do the same. Do you remember Cher once said, “Men are a luxury, not a necessity.” I cannot see myself going from one man to the next, my personal values doesn’t allow that, but I can understand why some women may choose that lifestyle.

Why do we call out men who don’t want to commit? Why are they so fickle and undecided? Are they really just boys trapped in men’s bodies? Because what do boys do? They like to play games and hang out with their friends, they enjoy instant gratification, the look at pretty girls, they cannot articulate their emotions, they don’t like to be challenged by women aside from their mom…hmmmm…maybe the reader who made the first statement is on to something?

People swear they won’t do something then turn around and do it worse.

Three different groups of people I talk to are my family, those I work with, and friends I don’t see often, so I am for certain my name cannot be brought up in anyone’s busines, but my own.

Thanks to one of the readers who sent this to me.

He should challenge you and be open to you challenging him.

The Older Man

May 20, 2021

Let's ponder on this for a moment (text image). So, I'm at an age where being involved with someone 15+ years isn't much of an eyebrow raiser considering my experiences and where I'm currently at in life. (I did another post about age gaps: She’s Too Young For You, Bro.)

Yes, it's been proven that girls mature faster than boys so it's innate that we look to date older but, we all should understand that girls still go through different mental stages and dating someone too old could be a sign of other issues or personal intentions.

At 15, a girl is high-school aged and still experiencing adolescents , would it be wise for a man in his 20’s to be involved with a girl this age? Well, to be objective, most men in their 20’s are in a black whole of confusions themselves. At 25, a woman may be going through the notions of adult scenarios and learning her identity. A man in his mid to late 40s finding interest in a woman that age is a bit questionable, wouldn't you say? Just as questionable as the man in is 20’s interested in a girl in her teens?

So what about these men who date extremely younger? Dating young enough that a girl could be his daughter, if he started having kids in his 20s.

Most of my guy friends have said that 20 year old’s are fun but, nothing substantial enough to keep their attention to becoming something more serious. When I asked why that is, the general response was that women in their 20s have a different focus, different goals, and different views on life, they are still innocent in the sense they are just beginning their adult years and have so many things to still learn before reaching the capacity of a man who may be 15-20 years older than her. These young ladies may be smart and sophisticated but, they are mentally not prepared for what a older man comes with.

*The type of older man I'm referring to is a well established man, either with a high title with his company, manages/owns a business, possibly has children, has had long term relationships previously, has a house, 401K/IRA, etc. — I'm not talking about men who are "still trying to get on the right path in life".

Yet, it's not taboo that we see successful men with such young women and sometimes I think the following:

What types of conversations do they have?
Does he work a lot so they really don't spend that much time together?
How do they tolerate each other’s generational differences?
Is she just a trophy to show off to everyone?
Was she in a bad situation and he was just trying to help her but, ended up getting too involved?

Or maybe these men are mentally in their 20’s still with a fear of getting "old" and they date younger women to help ease their reality. Maybe these types of men are going through an identity crisis?

But let's not leave out the young ladies who are willing to do almost anything to be involved with a successful man because they see security...they'll be taken care of financially, live a comfortable life, and have the honor of telling people about the man they're sleeping with. — And because of this, the older man may be more vulnerable to a young woman's advances.

It's hard to say why men and women date who they date. All I know is, if any of my male friends whom are certain ages starts getting serious with women much younger than them...even younger than me, I'm definitely giving them the side eyes and looking at them very differently.