Interested In Him

“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

The Misconception

Don’t confuse my comfort or friendliness towards someone with being interested in anything other than a good conversation.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

  • But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.

Today's Generation of Men is NOT Yesterday's

A few of you asked me about my thoughts on the Carlee Russell situation. When the story broke, I had concern. When the story continued, I had questions. When the press conference aired, I was more confused.

Initially, my thoughts mirror Tristan Marsh’s thoughts (video). We’ll never know what really drove the young lady to decide to do what she did, but I do believe in accountability and owning up to your behaviors and actions. Not everything is a mental ailment. But, hey I am not medical doctor. Whatever the underlying issue was, I just hope something was learned from this situation.

“As a man, be just that. A gentleman.”

❗️DISCLAIMER: This is a summary of many of your thoughts over the last few months.

❗️❗️Please Note: Men, before you get upset, this is not a direct attack on any of you, some women just notice a few nuances here and there: Don’t lose your greatness to those not so great.

Sometimes I look at these young people today and just think…Where did it all go wrong? The way they think, the way they act, the music the listen to, and Oh GOD the way they dress! It’s almost like they are so influenced by one another that they won’t listen to anything or anyone that makes sense. To be fair, there are a few young people who have good direction, but for the most part….No. 😐

Be Distinguished

Never be ashamed of your age and try to prove to these youngers that you can still fit in with them. You fit in with YOUR people. Remember that.

Let me start with music because music can change anyone’s mood from good to great or from bad to worse. That song “Act Bad” is a no for me, the lyrics, the tempo, all of it, not for me. What are you doing Puff? You come from “All About the Benjamin’s” to this??? Make it make sense! Megan the Stallion, beautiful woman, has hit songs, but overall her music is not for me and it’s the same with Cardi B, love her charisma, but her music isn’t for me. And don’t get me trying to figure out who’s song is who’s because I do not know half the people who’s making these supposed hits now. I think most of this generation has the sheep mentality and they just go with what everyone else says is good as opposed to having their own critical thoughts and saying, “This is trash.” If I am out and the songs are playing, I go with it, but when I am in my car or at home, none of that is on my playlist. Look I’m not saying this is ideal, but I grew up with music about making love, treating women good, and dealing drugs, this generation's music is about doing drugs and being careless. We are not the same. 🚫

Next is the mindset and I think the current pop-culture has a lot to do with this especially with reality tv and this generation looking up to these salacious behaviors. It has warped people’s way of thinking and of course how you think is how you act. 💡

So let me get into the men. Sometimes I witness the older generations get influenced by the younger generations maybe because they want to still feel young, validated, important, or want to prove something, I don't know. But baby just act your age, we accept you just like that. My friend says men like that look like Daddy Daycare. Don’t have these kids out here having you look like Daddy Daycare.

Even for me, I don’t want to be out here looking like I’m babysitting. That 25 year old I told you about before, I told you I kept my boundaries strong with that one. Because I have to think, he’s closer to my daughter's age then my own, and what would I look like bringing him around my kids? I can't be serious with someone who has more in common with my children than me. 👀🤪

Be Proud

Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for achieving your goals and doing well. We don't all make the same decisions because we are not clones of each other, so just make certain YOUR Life is Gucci.

Listen, I love a distinguished man. Who comes with experience and knows how to separate what's no longer for him from what helps him maintain humility. I guess when I was younger, I never wanted to be everywhere with everyone. I didn't feel I needed to know everybody and I didn't care to fit into anyone's clique. I moved at my own pace. I like being low key and in my own elements. The big difference is, the people who I decided to be around has to have purpose to me. Either they have a similar mindset as me or they have a more experienced mindset to teach me something. I don’t like to be around “Yes” people, who don’t tell me their true opinions and just go with whatever anyone else says. Baby, you're not growing or helping anyone grow. 🌱

At my age now, the only young people I communicate with often are my kids, my mentees, and a few people I may see in passing often. That’s it. For the most part, I stick to my caliber of people. And I'm so disappointed with the men coming out of this generation. It’s like they have adopted so many feminine traits and wanting to be treated like women. I completely understand the concept of catering to your man and making him feel loved, but these men want that treatment from the start without showing you they are worth your affections. They want you to be fully vulnerable towards them, but they're not willing to do the same with you. 🤨

I like it when men aren't afraid to tell me they want me. They're not afraid to reach out to me and they don't get upset if I’m not available. I like a grown man, not just grown in age, but grown in mentality. To know that I’m a woman of standards, I’m a woman that has come up in life. I’m a woman that has emotions and a woman who still likes some traditions like a man approaching me and asking about me.

Today's generation is all about instant gratification and what's quick and what feels good to them. The problem is, without going through and processing what doesn't feel good, you don’t learn to build up your comprehension and understanding towards different real life scenarios and you become sensitive to everything you feel is an inconvenience or barrier to you. And men have become more susceptible to being like this.

Let this all sit. Be safe out there.