Not Equal

Men and Woman are really not equal.

What I expect of a woman is far different than what I expect of a man.

Society paints a man to be chivalrous, open doors, pick up the check, fix things around the house, be the driver.  I agree to all of this and although, I personally expect every man to have this mindset, I don't think the same behaviors for a woman.  Isn't it odd to think a woman should open a door for a capable man?  And what's a man really worth if he can't fix minor things?

Let's be ALL THE WAY REALISTIC, society still sees a woman as the secondary of the household, so the standard and the expectations of a woman is NOT the same of a man

Of course I feel that a woman has the capability to provide for, manage, and maintain her home without a man but, I am still NOT a man.

If I decide to welcome a man into my life, to my family, to my children, then I do expect him to be that masculine presence.  Take out the trash, mow the grass or pay the yard people, make sure my car gets an oil changed and the breaks fixed.

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One thing I am not ashamed to admit is that I know nothing when it comes to what is wrong with a car or what it needs, except for oil changes - only because my car tells me so.  But, anytime I go in for the routine oil change, I always get a 'suggested' repair list.  When this happens I usually decline and call my father later to ask his opinion.  Although, there have been times when I called my father in front of the service tech and put the call in speaker phone.  My husband will take over this role



Moving on, how does this translate in business?  

Men tend to get the upper hand because the are seen a stronger of the two sexes.  They are seen as closers, as deal makers, the head of the meeting because their minds do not attach to emotions like a woman's mind does. 

Yes, men have and show emotions but, they connect and disconnect them when needed or when convenient for them.  The only time a man's emotions should remain connected is when he is married or in a relationship that is important to him.  

Many women cannot easily disconnect.  We are not normally engineered that way.  We hold on to things that are not good or healthy for us because of our emotions.  This makes us a liability.  This makes us unpredictable...especially for a single woman in business.  We are either seen as the ball busting bitch or the woman who cannot be given a higher position because her "emotional infractions" won’t allow it.

Yet, in the passed few years, Women have making history in business, THEIR OWN BUSINESSES, because we are getting tired of being passed over for the elevated positions or only being offered positions that the general opinion depicts as being more 'fit' for women.


Okay, we'll take the positions that are more fit for us and turn around to make it more lucrative than what the world expected us to earn.

But, we'll still pay a man to do the manual labor.

Then call my dad or husband on speakerphone when the laborers are trying to get over!

Dear Men...and Women

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Dear Men,

Let's not think I'm just here being a man-hater, I love you fellas, and trust me, I defend you guys more than you'll ever know, but I can't save you!

I get it, you don't understand why women are so emotional and always want to talk through things. You guys aren't built that way. I hate that shit too.

I get it, you don't understand why she's gets upset when you never asked her to be your girl and you're out there having your fun with other sweethearts.

I get it, you don't understand why she's not answering your calls when she's finally realized you weren't ready and moved on to someone who was.

Look Son... Yes, I'm calling you my son because you're just as childish as many of my female colleagues... Son, don't play with these females. Be up front with your intentions, I'm serious. Treat it like business, lay out what you want and what you can accept. If she agrees and behaves accordingly, great. BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO SET THE TONE ON WHAT 'TYPE' OF FRIENDSHIP OR RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH THIS WOMAN.

Yes, women will run with anything you give or show them. You give her access to the house, she will mark it partially hers!... Look, I can't explain everything that goes through our souls, I don't even fully understand us, so I know your ass ain't gonna get us! So, let's meet halfway.... I can't tell you that each encounter with a woman will be great but, I can tell you that you cannot be out here making these broads feel like they are the only one if they aren't. Just let them know, "Hey, I'm not looking for anything serious." Let her make the decision if she's cool with it. And if she starts acting up after that (because there are some women who say they are okay with it just to get in good but, afterwards try to change your mind)... Homie, you need to go out there and meet another one if she does this ....It may be a tedious routine but, hey if that's the life you want to live, then that's the protocol you'll need to keep executing.

Now Ladies, let's transition to you....

Men are NOT HARD to figure out. They are simple creatures. And they are considerate to the women they LOVE. << I'm going to come back to this. Men don't need you to over-explain and they tend to get irritated or distant when you over-exaggerate (be dramatic). Again, they are SIMPLE creatures. In relation to animals, men would be more like cats in behavior. They'll come to you when they want something but, for the most part they rather be unbothered.

Let's go back to the "Men are considerate to the women they Love" statement. A man's love for his mother or for his daughter will NOT match the love he will have for an outside woman, make note of this. It is all on what he decides to INVEST into YOU. Investments come in different amounts and are catered to what HE wants from you. Also note that consideration and respect go hand in hand so, he will respect you as much as he VALUES you. If you don't value your time and self, what tone are you setting for him?

Men love differently than women. And their emotional stance does not have the same capacity as ours. He may be infatuated with you one week and show you his best side but, next week it's different and now you label him an Asshole. Yet, you still give him grace because you are holding on to the potentials he shown you the first week. Men act accordingly to how they feel at the moment and if he does not truly love you, then you will never be a continuous thought before his actions.

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Don't get caught up in your expectations of him. Go with what he shows and proves to you. Don't create something that doesn't have the resources to be realistic. Be honest with yourself about what type of man he really is instead of what you want to see in him. Good men don't hide who they are, you just have to know how to identify him. And he may NOT be ready to be good to YOU or any other woman. In which case, you CAN'T make him.

Think of this, in a man's life from birth to adulthood, he has a slew of women contributing to his psyche, his mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, cousins, neighbors, schoolmates, co-workers, etc. If you come along later in his life, your input may or may not be of value to him. The "You should not do this" type of conversations have most likely already fell on his ears before you came along, he just has not made any changes since then.

Don't ever claim a man who is not claiming you...

Your expectations of a man can and will cause most of your disappointments in men, especially in the men who you favor. Don't be bitter about the man who thought of you less, be bitter about the fact that you still hung on to him.

 

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I Love You But...

I'd like to be with someone I enjoy sharing my life with but, also leaves me alone most of the time.

Over recent years I've created my own space which I love.  This doesn't mean I am not willing to open my time to someone, he just needs to be open to who I am.

No, I'm not planning to gallivant with many men or hoe myself around.  I don't even do that now.  No, I will be loyal to him and as accommodating to our relationship as we see comfortable for one another.

In a marriage, you are still TWO separate people coming together as a union.  You are not becoming ONE person.  My needs are just as important as yours.  Do not make a decision about our household or our family without my input or even considering my input.  Do not feel that what you say or think holds more weight than what I say or think.  

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Just because a woman may take her husband's last name does not mean he has the only say.  He is the leader, yes but, even a good leader listens to his community.  I want my husband to confide in me, take comfort with me, ask for my advice, listen to my sorrows, ease my pain, and not walk away from me.  One of the biggest heartaches you can feel is feeling alone when your are not supposed to be.

My next relationship will be a bit more challenging because not only have I grown from a young mindset, I am also bringing 2 children in the mix and if he has any, then we will definitely need to discuss how to blend our families.  For the most part, I expect it to be trial and error but, if he and I want it to work then we will see through any and all errors for the sake of love.

I went back and read a post I published in 2015 about what I don't want from a man, my list remains the same today….

Things I will not accept from a man before he has potential to become my husband. 

  • While dating, he does not invite me to places outside his home - No explanation necessary.

  • He does not give me my space - We are individuals, I will already have things in place that I must tend to without him. Don't be disgruntled about it.

  • He is controlling - We both have thoughts and opinions, he should be open to mine as I am open to his.

  • He is needy - I will cater to the one I am involved with but, I will not be at his every beckoned call. If you knew how to take care of yourself before me, then the benefit of me is to assist, not to assume all your needs.

  • His truth is not his real truth - He can tell me anything, I have no reason not to believe him until he gives me a reason, just do not sugar coat anything.

  • He does not know how to be around children - If my kids don't like him, neither do I.

  • He is not personable - I am social, if we are out, he cannot be on the wall

  • He does not plan for ANYTHING - I am a planner, especially when it comes to events, surprises, trips, night outs, etc. I do not want to have to do this all the time.

  • He is not money conscious - I work hard to maintain financial stability, he will not hinder that for me or expect me to finance BOTH our lives.

  • He cannot cook - I cook, he should too.

  • He does not like or understand my wayward humor - I say things that may be inappropriate just for laughs, if you take offense, then he will never understand me.

  • He does not make me laugh - Don't be a bummer.

  • You were not my friend first - The foundation starts here, don't try to skip over this.

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You Don't Go Together

Just because you are "talking" to someone, doesn't mean you go together...

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Ladies, if he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and you have not agreed,  you don't go together! Yes, it's like a marriage proposal, the man asks and the woman says yes or no...I'm pretty sure I've said this many, MANY, times in previous posts.

He can tell you he likes you.

He can tell you how good of a woman you are.

He can tell you that he really depends on you.

He can tell you that you're not like other women.

He can tell you he's not seeing anyone. 

He can even tell you he loves you.

BUT, if he has not asked you to be his lady, YOU. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

It doesn't matter if you had/have sex with him or if he seems like the type who doesn't sleep around, YOU. STILL. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

Look, I was once the woman who took many things a man said to me and ran with it. 

Yeah, he wants to be with me, he's just figuring things out right now.

No, we're really together or dating, it's just complicated.

Yeah, he really does like me, he just doesn't know how to express himself. 

LIFE LESSON: Don't run with scissors.

Here are some more signs that you don't go together...interchangeable to men and women.

  • When you make it known you are having a bad day or having a rough week and (s)he doesn't check up on you or if (s)he does but, doesn't follow up.  - I'm guilty of this. I may initially express my concern, but that's it, I rarely check back for an update. BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

  • (S)He doesn't respond to your calls or texts. - I'm guilty again. I'll read a message and never answer or respond days later, no matter who is reaching out to me and BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

  • (S)He doesn't make an effort to make plans with you or spend valuable time with you. - Busy is busy but, you make time for those you want to keep in your life; I may move my schedule around for someone, but until he officially asks me, I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

So people, let's do our best to avoid girl/boyfriend emotions when you weren't even allowed that position.  Also hear this, If you are not legitimately in a committed relationship with someone and your feeling get hurt, that is YOUR issue not his/hers.

Committed Relationship = Two people agree that they are exclusive and working towards combining their lives and making a future together.

And don't expect your non boy/girlfriend to come coddle you or be interested in "we need to talk" or "I need closure." WTF do you want to talk about?  WTF do you need closure for?  This ain't Oprah or Dr. Phil.  

It's like you putting your food in someone's refrigerator and you tell the person he can have it if he wants it.  You're hoping that he sees this act of generosity and will return the favor with equal affections but, instead he eats all the food, says "thank you" and then leaves the dishes in the sink for you to wash, because c'mon, you will do what you can to show this person you belong there.  And now you get upset and want to have a dramatic sit down to talk about it because you feel slighted.  WHY? You created this scenario!

**In some defenses, people don't automatically see the error of their way unless it is brought to their attention but, let's not hang too heavily on this notion since he's not your boyfriend. He's just someone who is in that gray area that you want to crossover with, instead of just letting it be and allowing him to filter himself into that role or filter himself out of your life.**

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a single broad who loves my space and doesn't require much attention.  Just feed me and tell me I'm pretty every now and then.

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Learn to control your own emotions, or better yet, STOP trying to coax someone into wanting to be part of your future.

You can boohoo all you want to...

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and he may entertain some of your tears but, if you are not his woman...

Some people, mostly men, already do not do well with emotions, so if you start with the water works, don't expect a clear and concise resolution. 

Honesty Moment: I am not the friend you should cry to if you have a broken heart.  I'm going to point the finger to YOU, and ask you what you did to get yourself in this mess. Now if everything you tell me directly points fault to the other person then, yes, I'll coddle your hurt feelings but until then, I'm scrutinizing YOU.

Sorry, a little harsh but, sometimes I have to give you guys some tough love.  Com'ere, and read this quote below...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

And yes, my friends get this same verbiage from me when they do silly shit and get their emotions wrapped up in a man who's not their boyfriend.

Do Men Settle?

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When it comes to dating and relationships, women are always telling each other, "Never settle." Do men go through the same notions? 

The act of "settling" is best defined by the person who believes she has settled. It does not necessarily take away from the man, he could still be a great guy, but ultimately, he was not her ideal man or first choice. Hence, he did not meet a certain criteria for her but, overall he was good enough and she just wanted a relationship. 

Do men settle for a woman who was not his ideal match but, instead a woman who is just good enough? A woman who he feels will always be present in his life, no matter the circumstances? Or is it, that woman was always truly the one for him? Therefore, would he begin to condition his thoughts and feeling to adequately "accept" her?

Maybe men have settled into a lifestyle that has worked for them: those who have a way of talking a woman into doing what he wants by saying sweet affirmations and complimenting her in some form; those who have learned to disguise their ulterior motives very well; those who just have a way with women that can't be easily explained.  BUT, some women allow themselves to believe that if she does not appease a man, he will not consider her. Sighs to my fallen ladies whom are trapped in this way of thinking.

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Honestly, men are simple beings, Fellas, I say that in the most loving way.  I believe men want different things at different times, and maybe from different people.  On Friday, he may just want sex.  On Saturday, he may just want to catch a movie.  On Sunday, he may just want to talk.  Each of these days may be with different people and the rest of the days, he may just want to be left alone.  The problem is, many men do not know how to articulate exactly what they want from a woman, and ladies, it's our fault…We get too emotional and too wrapped up on the wrong details.  We always want to know the WHY of things.  

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Here is something to keep in mind: MEN DO NOT LIKE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES OR REVEAL THEIR FAULTS.  A woman's emotional state can cause a man to not be completely upfront with a her because she wants to harp on every fukcing minuscule detail that has nothing to do with the bigger picture and he does not want the headache.  The point is, if he wants to love you, he will love you and you will feel loved, not needing to question his every word or action.

If it takes years for a man to chose you (not years of consistent dating, just years of going back and forth with you), then I am eager to wonder why his heart was absent for you when yours wasn't absent for him.  Although, it is in our nature to be patient, yes?

So do men really settle or does it just take a long time for them to realize what's good for them? And was what is good from them someone they already had a relationship with or someone who was always there, no matter the status?

It’s a slippery slope when dealing with emotions and everyone’s wants are different. There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?”


Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”