Hurt People, Hurt People

Don’t fee like reading? Listen instead. (2 Parts)

Want to hear something funny? Many of you noticed a few months ago I started a subscription feature on this site to allow more private topics with those who wanted to become members. Those of you who did signed up and read through the topics are aware we do not share personal information and explicit content and I also have the comments enabled to readers to engage in dialogue with each other, and the conversations have been very informative and respectful.

Apparently, someone has reported my site as being inappropriate and containing content that elicits sexual activity between members. Basically someone is claiming my site is for sex workers. Really???!!! — Okay, let me just say this…this is NOT OnlyFans, this is not a porn site, this is not an escort service, nothing like that. I was not charging $50 to show you explicit pictures, no my membership fee was only $10 and that was to allow people a safe space to discuss more private topics.

And if you are here, that means you are here on your own free will. You are not required to be here and if you do not like or agree with anything I say, you can easily exit out. If you are a long time reader, then you know what this site is about and the types of topics I discuss. I am so at a loss, is someone mad? Do you have something against me? Is there some type of vendetta? I’m not seeing anyone, so I know it can’t be a scorn woman trying to get back at me.

Maybe a man reported my site, because there have been times I’ve gotten messaged from men about them perceiving me as a an ungodly woman because of my images. Who knows? So, of course I submitted an appeal, I am not sure how long this will take to get cleared, but until then I have to disable the members only feature. I’ll see if there is a loophole, but until I get more clarity on this, I am not sure what all I can do at the moment. I’m just wondering who’s mad? Who hurt you?

🔴The reality is there will always be people who never want to applaud you for doing great.🔴

Let’s get into some serious psyche for a moment. We are the sum of our worst and best moments. We can love people with a healthy heart and we can love people with a wounded heart. And with both, we can hurt people. People who are hurt, in pain, suffering, or struggling will not have the best energy. Even if they are faking a smile and forcing a laugh, it’s not authentic. — It’s also not wrong for trying to put on a happy face, but it can be draining and stressful to do so just to conceal other burdens.

Have you heard the term, hurt people hurt people? It’s the behavior of someone projecting or deflecting their pain towards someone else. Much like being angry at the world for your own consequences, decisions, or misfortunes. When someone is hurt they tend to hurt others and most of the time they don't realize it. Think if it like this, when you are upset, disappointed, or in some form of pain, your emotions and heart can harden leaving your patience to become very minimal and anything that pressures your patience can cause an unkind reaction from you.

There are times people hurt others in order to protect themselves. Let me give you a scenario regarding relationships, a woman who fosters pain and mistrust from her past sometimes reacts in frustration to a man who triggers similar behavior, because the reality is she's been hurt before and doesn't want to go through the same experience again.

But we can't shut down our emotions, that's not healthy either. It’s good to be polite, but no so polite that you are not expressed your true thoughts or your feelings. But you also have to think about if your true self is capable of being around others without deflecting any inner frustrations outward. Like are you okay to be around people and enjoy them or do you still need time alone?

People go through metamorphosis when life puts them in situations that causes them make new adjustments. The outcome is unknown in how we’ll develop our character because we don't all process information the same. This is why it’s important to give people time and space so they can do what they need for themselves whatever that looks like for them, but you can still remain supportive by just checking in on them from time to time.

When I was going through a big adjustment last year, I needed more time to myself than I needed time with people, but it was the people who still reached out to me that made the difference of that experience being numb and resentful vs being something that doesn't define me, and it changed my views of being in serenity with my circumstances and making…..lemons into garnish for sautéed spinach and pan seared salmon with a garlic aioli sauce.

You see, it does get bad, but it also gets good if you allow it and when you’re ready for it…no one can tell you when to be ready, you have to decide that.

100/50/0

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How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

I’m Not Your Type

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A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.

*Unless you want me to give you a son to carry on your name, don’t do this. 😼

When You Love Someone

“When you love someone you just don't treat them bad.” - Donell Jones (Where I Want To Be, 1999)

There’s been a lot on my mind the last few days, people, situations, circumstances, everything. But you know what I still take time to reach out to people because I either love them or have love for them. And I am noticing more and more people don’t do the same. It’s a bit disappointing, but it still doesn’t deter me from still caring and asking how people are. Especially during this time of year where studies show how people are more prone to stress, anxiety, and depression for various reasons.

I read somewhere that over 50% of people have no internal dialogue…like no personal or original thoughts. If this is true, some people I know are starting to make a lot more sense to me…just completely dense.

Even in my writing I mention or reference people and sometimes I talk about hurtful experiences with some of them, but I really have not ill feelings towards anyone in my life. We are all very different and we interact with people differently. Even the last man I was sleeping with, I do not have any issues with him, we are harmony…well, the best harmony we can give each other. And even the 20 something year old who I mentioned is very sweet on me I have nothing bad to say about him. He has severely irritated me recently. He’s just young and really doesn’t grasp the concept of what I occurs in my life. He keeps sending me text messages saying “Hey” — That’s it. That’s all he says.

The first few times, I entertained it and responded in kindness because I figured he did not have much to say want just wanted to say Hi. But then he kept sending that one word message and I’m just like….See this is why I can’t be with anyone young. There is no substantial dialogue and when there is some sort of conversation it is very dense and superficial. I don’t really follow today’s music, I stopped watching those stereotypical reality shows and dramas years ago, I don’t like discussing other people or getting into their personal business, so I can talk to you about the simple things, but it can only go so far. Either way, I don’t have anything bad to say about that young man, he’s sweet, and I said before he is farther in life that most of his peers, he’s not in a dead-end job, he has his own place, he doesn’t waste money, and he’s on a good path. I’m just can’t mentally keep taking a few steps back just to carry a conversation.

Someone asked me if I am noticed my conversations with people are not as stimulating as they used to be because I am in a doctorate’s program. I have noticed that mood becomes a bit stale when someone isn’t saying anything intrinsic, but it’s been like that for a while now.

Anyway, let’s get off of that, this topic is about love.

I know we all define love differently and sometimes we do hurt the ones we care about, but is there a limit? Like is there a moral compass on what lines we should not cross? I think so. Say if you are involved with someone and you tell them you love them, is it odd that they don’t share to others that they deeply care about you? Like how can you love me, but you downplay your feelings about me to other people? I completely understand not letting people into your business, but if you have strong feelings for someone, shouldn’t that at least be known?

Love does make us do unexpected things. It’s an odd emotion. Love makes me drop everything and take a flight to comfort a friend. Love makes me defend people even when they don’t deserve my support for them. Love sometimes keeps me quiet in order not to cause a conflict. Love also sometimes has me accepting that people will never understand who I am when I am willing to understand them. Love is happiness and love is pain.

This is one of my Godsons. His mother and I have been friends since grade school.

When the love is good and genuine, you never what to let it go, but everything doesn’t last forever. You just have to enjoy while you have it. Remember when I said I got put my shoes back on after getting comfy in the house just go catch up with a friend I rarely see? That is the type of genuine love I have for several people in my life…getting uncomfortable to go towards comfort. — I hope that makes sense.

But when love is pain, it can tear us down and eat away at us. I told someone that “Pain never really goes away, we just learn to manage it better.” And that goes for any type of hurt we experience because pain is pain and none of us is immune to it and there is not a way to categorize what type of pain is worse. You cannot tell someone what they feel isn’t as bad how someone else may feel. Again Pain is Pain, just like a sin is a sin, whether it is lying or stealing, it is still a sin, correct?

The hope is that we get through any pain and become stronger and still be able to show and give love to people. And I want to believe that people do not intentionally seek to hurt anyone that’s why I tend to give people more grace than they may deserve, but sometimes people make decision to just appease themselves and you’re just in the crossfire.

I want to keep being happy

I am not in love, but I have love and give love and I think that is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves.

SIDEBAR: If you guys partake in watching adult entertainment, then you know who Mia Khalifa is. I did not bother to watch this show/podcast, the headline just caught my eye because it’s been a hot topic here and everyone has their own views on it. If any of you watched it, let me know what the conversation was about, is a man really lacking something if he is dating someone who is 10 or 20 years younger than him? (I know the last man I was involved with was over 10 years, not over 15, but at least 10 years older. Our communication wasn’t awkward because I had already experienced a few major milestones in life and our paths were parallel to one another, so we were able to discuss things that were relative to each other). But is a man lacking something mentally, emotionally, or something that he see it better to impress a younger woman than a woman his age?

Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

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Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.

Why Do Men Do This?

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Now I'm not saying all men are like this, but I am going to say that too many women have made men to believe they can treat you any way because you make it too easy for them. WHY?! There's 8 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. So unless you have self-esteem issues or plan to stay in your little town and not explore the world, I’m not talking about going to Atlanta or Miami or any of those superficial places where all you do is get meet strangers and drunk. I’m talking about taking trips that open your eyes to all the possibilities life offers. There is no reason for you to let a man walk all over you. Some of you women stress me out with this nonsense. And some of you men do too because you know what you're doing with these girls. 😮‍💨

Why are men so hard to communicate with? Anytime you ask them about something or call them out on something their go to line is usually something like, "Believe what you want." And then they turn it on you like you're the problem. The craziest thing to me is men are always saying women never admit they are wrong when men too have an issue admitting to their wrongs. The thing is, women may say or think the wrong things, but men actually do the wrong things.

Coat: Express | Scarf: Burberry | Cream Sweatsuit: Rehab Couture | Shoes: Adidas

And Ladies, I get it, if you like a guy you want to do anything to have him, but Baby, let's not limit your worth for a man who isn't half worthy of you. You're parading around here trying to be all he wants you to be and getting influenced by everything he’s telling you, but your not seeing how he's using your soft spot for him to only benefit himself. STOP THE DUMB SHIT. Because when men like that get around me, I'm apply pressure. I’m not just going to sit here a let you manipulate my emotions to second guess what I want and what I deserve. I’m as reasonable as they come and I keep telling you guys, whatever foolishness you are getting into out there, don’t let it affect what’s going over here. For us not to have drama, don't do something that catches my attention and causes the dramatic.

I don’t care what our situation is, if we are together or just talking and bonding, don’t let your past or whatever you may still be doing in your present to upset my peace and joy with you. Read between the lines of what I am saying. Ladies, I know most of you hate my mindset on this because you think it goes against loyalty, but you have to think about it like this, loyalty isn’t just about not cheating. Loyalty is partly about maintaining a strong understanding of things that you will and will not tolerate and making sure your bond with a person is protected. I like to be practical about men.

So practical that if I see a young lady who always finds a way to be near you and you let her get affectionate with you and I ask you if you're fooling with her and you look away or down when you're answering and you keep skip around my question…Ummm Fam, you're telling on yourself. There's no reason to hide it from me, you are literally displaying it, so just answer the question. 😐 I really don’t understand why men get like this. You either are currently fooling with her or something intimate happened that you don't want to say because you keep telling me you two are just “friends”. Okay 😒 I hate when men try to say they aren't doing anything extra with a woman when they're actions say differently.

Black Turtleneck/Legging Set: The Daileigh Shop

I like having guy friends who openly talk to me without any filters. I have friends who are amazing husbands, but I know some of them do things their wives don’t need to be stressed over. So they are careful and strategic with keeping any nonsense away from their marriages. They are not making more families or homes, they are doing what they do outside and still taking care of their families and keeping things stable. I don’t agree with it, but I respect them for how they do that. Men like this definitely do not display narcissistic behavior towards their wives or the main woman in their lives because that woman applied pressure and set the standard of what she will not tolerate.

What I don’t respect is men making women believe he’s going to leave his family and women holding on to the idea that if he does leave, they are going to have a worry-free life together. I told you I stopped being friends with a woman like this, right? That girl had severe self-esteem and moral issues. I can't be close to someone like that because that’s just going to bring me down.

But it’s a mix of woman being closed minded, not knowing their worth and men taking advantage of that, but when you question them about things they're doing they feel like you're being too invasive and that they are being unfairly judged or you don't understand them, because apparently people like this are never wrong. 🤨

Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

Dress | toxicenvyboutique.com

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

Do You Cut Off All Your H*oes Right Away?

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *Rerecorded after my voice started to come back.

Those of you who are activity dating or looking to get serious with someone, do you limit the time and communication you spend with other people? Men, if you are texting multiple women, getting to know them, hanging out with them or at the least keeping the possibility open for something to happen, do you cut down on your interest towards them when there is someone who seems to catch your attention a little more?

This is my opinion and in some case, my experience: Most single men will never tell you if they are interested in anyone let alone sleeping with anyone anyway. Why??? A lot of times when I ask a man if he is involved with someone I pay attention to what his body language says rather than the words coming out of his mouth. Because there are three possible answers: Yes, there is someone. No, this isn’t anyone. Or there is an interest but, nothing has occurred yet. Look closely at how someone shifts their eyes or body when they answer, that will give you an idea if they are being truthful or not. 🤨

Listen, if a woman is interested in a man whether or not you tell her you're sights are set on someone in particular, she's still going to have an interest in you. Well, some women. — With me, if a man says he’s involved with someone, I have no interest in anything more with him. I don't compete in that way, not for a man. That's a messy game and at least one person ends up getting hurt. I’m not going to contribute to that. So I guess if a man does find interest in me, it’s best he doesn't let me know if there's other women around him who are waiting on him or who may have something going on with him. Is this contradicting? 🤔 If I don't know about other possible women, then it won't hinder what I do or say to him, correct? But I think once I do know, it will change the dynamics of my communication with him. It’s like the saying, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” furthermore it won’t hurt the chances of something good happening between you and someone else because you are not thinking of him entertaining anyone else. 🤔

But as someone who is single, should you only focus on one interest or should you keep your availability open to others. My attention is already spread thin, so it is not practical for me to be available to more than one person. So my answer to this is to just focus on one person. Because I think more than that can cause chaos and drama and who likes to deal with that? — Come into my life, my space, and my aura with peace so we can share it together. Don't come into my life looking for peace because then you disrupt mine trying to create yours. 😠

Think of it like this, would you appreciate someone coming into your life looking to benefit from your income? Or would you rather the person come with their own adequate income so you share your both of benefits with each other? Or even more simply, wouldn’t you want to be involved with someone with their own place or their own car instead of always relying on you to provide it for them?

Some people don't understand this and most men refuse to acknowledge how their actions and words affect a situation. If you're playing the field, more power to you, but you also have to consider that you're playing with people's emotions, spare mine if I’m not going to be good to my heart. If you like to share your time between different people that is your prerogative, but you’ll need to be careful with how you handle things with me because again, I don’t want to get the sense that you’re leaving room for opportunity with another woman who's waiting on you.

My reality is I am not going to juggle people’s feelings because I don’t want mine mixed in with others. If you are openly dating, great. We can be friendly and we can hang out on occasion, but I’m not going to knowingly be a part of your menagerie. If you’re interested in me, don’t hide it, but if you’re interested in someone else too, you’ll need to be strategic about how you share your time and attention. — I don’t care what you do out there, don’t let it affect what’s going on over here. I don’t have the patience for anyone’s nonsense. So if you got fans, hoes, “friends”, cool, don’t have me around them and don’t have them around me. 😠Yes, I will feel some type of way if we are out somewhere and some woman comes up to you and starts hugging on you, then I’m going to watch how you react because that is going to set the tone of our situation, even if we run into each other and you avoid being close to me because another woman is around you. 🤨 Like I said, body language will say more than your mouth does and if I sense any foolishness, things between us are going to change. I’m not going to tell you to cut off your hoes, I’m just going to watch how you act if they come around and I’m right here with you. So don’t play the field, if you don’t have good offensive and defensive coordination. 🤡

What is "WYD" and "WYA"

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I’m sure all of you have gotten a text message that reads, “WYD” and “WYA” and for the most part it may come from someone you are either talking, seeing, sleeping with or are fooling with in some way. Granted I’m not getting any of those messages because I’m not giving up my goods to anyone 🔒. But when would get those messages from someone I was sleeping with, I wouldn’t get irritated because it was kind of this unspoken understanding of what those messages meant.

I’m not fully tight just yet, still have a little belly pouch to work off.

But if you are getting those messages from someone you are not seeing, then do the messages have a different meaning? For me, I think I would only accept a “WYD” from someone I’m seeing. I do feel like communication has become very remedial these days and we’re trying to find the quickest way to get a message across, but sometimes messages can be misinterpreted or misleading, so how do we clarify what we want to relay without using so many words because sometimes sending too much can be confusing too. And sending a three letter text message can be taken the wrong way especially with someone who you are still kind of feeling out and getting to know or you are not sure of the status of you two, but why do we have to confuse things and can't just say exactly what it is we want?

The biggest distance between two people is what isn’t said. 🤐

You also have to be careful with your words towards someone who is sweet on you or believes that something could possibly happen between the two of you. Ladies and Gentleman, you know when someone likes you and if given the opportunity, that person will show up at your door at any time you ask, and if you feed into their hopes, then you are the one that’s in the wrong. Sorry to say it, but you are. If you are continuing to entertain the conversations or make plans to hang out with them, then your actions are allowing them to think that something more could develop. Let’s be realistic here.

There’s people who I message and it’s a few words, then there are other people I message and it’s like a book, but my relationships with everyone are fairly the same, just because I say more to someone else via text doesn’t mean another person isn’t more important to me. Someone’s importance lies on who they are to me in my life and what I have experienced with them. Right now I have a few friends whom are dealing with something big and I try to make a point check in on them regularly and to let them to know that I am here if they need me. Unless you have done something that goes completely against my morals, then you are still a part of my life and I will continue to extend my care to you. Although, I am starting to notice that I am more caring to certain people than they are to me, but I still believe that you should be good to people for no reason at all. 🌸 — You cannot force anyone's kindness, you can only show your own. 🥰

When weather permits, the thighs and cleavage are out, and I do wear form fitting clothes at times, but how I carry myself doesn’t always speak to what I’m wearing, you get what I’m saying?

And remember in my last post I mentioned that it is sort of bad manners to not answer someone? Even if there is a lot going on or you are extremely busy, it’s good form to at least say something in return, although I know every scenario is different. Say if I am seeing someone, I would appreciate some sort of response, but since I’m not I have noticed that I get a little antsy when I do not hear back from people that I frequently communicate with, I guess it is may be because I make a conscious effort to response in a timely manner. This is how I picture it in my head: Someone sees my text and looks at it, doesn’t respond. They get a text from another friend and responds right away. I get it, you have different connections with different people, but if I’m simply asking how you are as a friendly gesture, then you can’t say, “I’m good.” even if you don’t want to say much? Takes you less than 2 seconds and most of us constantly have our phones nearby. I guess it’s the feeling of being ignored and nobody likes that.

Anyway, why is it that we have become so simpleminded with our communication. Even at work, I’ll get emails that is filled with text language. YES PROFESSSIONAL EMAILS with slang acronyms and emjojis! If it’s an applicant, I toss their info out, but if it is someone already employed, I redirect them about email etiquette. I was taught to have a professional vernacular and a casual vernacular, and we don’t mix the two.

But if you think about it, as a society we do tend to adapt to modern times, so is this “Short Language” something that we will begin to accept in professional settings? It’s like people don't want to retain good communication skills anymore. I’m going to tell you right now, if I get a “WYD” or “WYA” from an executive or CEO or a colleague that I have no personal relationship with, I’m not answering. 🚫

Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View

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We are in November, can you believe it? 2022 is almost over. I hope all of you got to do everything you wanted to this year. For me this year was kind of like a transformation and repurpose year because last year was my pain year due to things I had to undergo and force me to reshift my focus and rebalance a few things. This year was good, I got another degree in May which is also my birthday month so I have a great celebration. Then in August I decided to go back into school and work on a doctorate’s degree. So yeah, this year has been a hustle and there’s 2 more months left, so there’s not telling what more could happen. I’m not a zodiac or horoscope type of person, but I do believe in the magic of the universe and people. I believe that energies connect with one another whether positive or negative and become something bigger.

I just learned that on November 8th there is going to be a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, and the next one won’t happen for another 3 years. With this eclipse, I read that spiritually, it is about ending cycles, and letting go of pain and bad habits. Well why would you want to hold on to those things anyway? Those are heavy to carry. It’s also about getting out of your comfort zones, speaking your truths and feelings, having new insights, opening your eyes to transformation…wait, didn’t I just say this year as my transformational year? And the eclipse is in Taurus ♉️ during the time of Scorpio ♏️, which I do not know what that exactly means, but my birth sign is Taurus, and both Taurus and Scorpio people will be most affected by this eclipse. For fun I added some other details about the eclipse and it’s spiritual elements. 💫

WARNING: This is going to sound like a sappy romance novel which is funny because that's one of genres that I least like to read. And many times in those stories the two people who surprise each other are the ones who either didn't get along or disputed too much or didn't really open their eyes to each other in the beginning. I don't believe there’s a current man in my life whose able to surprise me. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before.

I kind of want to be chased, pursued, but men don’t do that anymore these days. They expect the woman to make the first moves. I wasn’t raised like that. I hate this younger social media generation that has changed the dynamics of relationships and love. It’s like the most basic actions like a guy opening the door for you or paying the restaurant tab, or just texting you to say good morning is seen a elite behavior when really, it’s just being a decent man. I’ll just say it, these girls today set the bar very low for these men and woman like me are not impressed. 😒

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll keep saying it: I value intimacy. I love creating a connection with someone, I think when 2 people just breathe in each other, it’s a beautiful euphoria. I value someone who wants to know me on a deeper level and not just what I like to do for fun. Someone who knows that I like the wing flats and saves me some. Someone who says, “No, she is not like that.” when my name is brought up in conversations and he affirms that he really knows me. It’s not just having conversations, it’s seeing me in my all my elements. I want to be special to him, not just someone who is only special on certain days. I want someone to say, “Hey I’m heading to a place you should come.” It doesn't have to be a lot because to me, the little things matter. Like giving me compliments, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, walking me to my door. Someone who chooses me while we’re in this together however long it lasts, and doesn't mind letting other women know I’m important to him. 😘

I want a lover. I like that term, “Lover”, it can mean so many things, but it’s the idea of two people making the most of every moment they are around each other and this may just sound like a good friendship and initially, that is what it is, a friendship with extra care and passion. Just like how you would take care of a plant or maintain your car, you have to cultivate the love. When I say “love” I'm not meaning it in the way couples may use it, I’m referring to it as a feeling of freedom and happiness. And the great thing about having a lover is that sometimes lovers are not forever, sometimes they are temporary and temporary can be any timeframe. A healthy distraction from work and school may be good for me, but with the way I’m going I can’t say how realistic that could be.

I don’t want a marriage, I want a romance. You see, you can love many people in your life and be with many people and each of them is different, right? So I want to have an experience that I've never had before. I want him to hold me like no man has ever before. And I want him to look at me and be so proud to even know me, let alone be able to have me. I want him to smile when he sees me walk into a room or when my name pops up on his phone.

I don’t want us to fit into the world around us, but rather the world be intrigued by us, because we refuse to conform to what is considered normal. Intimacy isn't just sex, it’s the actions of compassion. A homie, lover, friend, that’s what each of us should have…in one person. 🥰

Are You Who You Believe?

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I’m an “excitable” personality, meaning I can be abrupt and abrasive when I want to get my point across or when I just want to vent and say something out loud. Right now, I’m making strides to be better with my communication tactics and to get better at keeping in contact with people and responding to them in a timely and speak good things to them. I can go through distant phases and although people who have known me for a long time know that I mean no harm by it, but is it good practice? Probably not. It's really just bad manners. 👎🏽

You have to think that some people may not NEED you to respond, but instead just appreciate a response. Even if you're busy, you can take a moment and say, “Hey, I’m in the middle of something right now, I’ll call you later.” Or “Hey, I got caught up on a project today, sorry I didn't respond sooner.” Or “Hey, I’m not myself right now, I'll call you in a few days.” — You don't have to share all the details on what's keeping you tied up, just at least let people know you did get their message and you’ll respond when you can. I can't stand the read receipt features, it’s like you're micromanaging your text messages and can cause you to be upset if someone read your message, but didn't respond. I know iPhone has that feature kind of like back when people used Blackberry messenger. 😒 (Yeah, I’m revealing my age a little here.)

Do you know people who you feel you can't give your honest opinion about them because they take it as you're picking at them, or grilling them, or not accepting them for who they are? When really you just see something that isn’t making them as great as they should be. I feel like men are more like this, when you try to share something honest with them and they get defensive and make it seem like you're the one with the issue. — Nah Fam, you’re out here looking like a clown and I’m just trying to tell you about it. — A good friend should be able to tell you when something isn't a good look for you. But hey, if you want to be out here spinning your wheels and stuck going through the same motions, knock yourself out. 👍🏽It's like stop trying to tell a story that your actions don't prove.

You should have people in your life who challenges your bad habits and encourages your good ones. I believe everyone has room to improve upon themselves otherwise you are content and stagnant. And it's not just personal improvements, it’s also financial improvement, relationship improvements, improving your surroundings and the people around you. If I'm the best person among my group of friends then I won’t be motivated to change anything because everyone around me already thinks so I'm perfect so why change? But you also have to think, if these same people are not motivated by you to improve themselves and they stay stagnant, then you're not really doing them any justice either. You're just passing the time with them. — Which sometimes we need people like that in our lives, but we don’t get too close to them.

Some of you have even asked me how to get started with your own website and how to earn money from it. I gave you some pointers, but I also told you it’s going to take time and effort before you start seeing revenue and rewards. Just like with my career, it took a few years before I started earning money that took me into a different tax bracket. But it also took me deciding what type of life I wanted. When I was 19/20 I worked in retail. A store at the mall and I knew this wasn't something I wanted to do long term. Same thing when I was 15/16 and working as a hostess at a restaurant, not for me. So I had to get focused and plan out the money I wanted to make, the skills I needed, and the education I had to earn. And today, things are great, but it can always be better.

No, you are not your career and you are not your money, but those things can improve your life further more improving how you view life. I’m about to have a child in college, she may or may not work while in school because I told her I’d cover all her expenses the first 2 years (and I'm not sure what scholarships and grants she might get, so hopefully my bill won't be too high) and she'll probably have the traditional college life, studying, partying, staying out late, etc. But if my baby is doing better than you or has more ambition than you or you're living similar to a college student minus the studies then how am I going to consider you? Are you where you want to be and are you who you want to be? It’s a bit weird when there is such an age gap between two people, but they seem to have the same mentality. 🤔

I like having fun people around me, but I also like having motivated people around me who are on the same wavelengths in life, who not only make me feel great about who I am, but also inspire me. People who want to keep climbing, I’m not retiring yet and I want to keep my lifestyle a certain way, so I’m still hungry. 😋

And with many people they don’t always remember everything you've done, just the last thing you've done. I learned this in business. I also learned that most men are like this with women, how you made them feel last is what they think first. It doesn't matter if you’ve always been there for them, but if you upset them recently they hold it against you and forget everything else and not think about what you're possibly dealing with 😔. One of my guy friends told me once that someone we both know bullshits a lot, meaning he doesn't always let people know what’s really going on in order to save face or keep a certain image. So he’s not always who he believes he is. I’ve said before that men are stupid right? 😒

We have to remember that we are not the only ones in our lives, don’t mistreat the people who only wanted to love you. And apologizing is not a weakness, it's actually an amazing character trait that shows your willingness to grow and have empathy. ❤️Goodness, if only some people knew all I did in the background to make sure they were okay…but I rather keep that to myself. 🤐

If you say you're a good friend, are you a good friend or are you selective with your friends? Do you notice when you're friends are there for you even if they just stay quiet in the background? What about you as a partner? Are you supportive and listen to your partner? Do you notice when you partner is down? Do you try to make their bad days good? How about family? Are you really who you believe yourself to be? Or can you do better?

Dream A Little Dream

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I am a dreamer by all definitions. There's a lot of things I can figure out with time, experience, or research, but the one thing I can never be certain of is how to interpret my dreams. Everyone dreams, but there's been an interesting study that majority of people don’t remember their dreams the next morning. I almost always remember what I dreamt the night before, of course as days go on I slowly forget the details except when the dream is a little odd. I read that the dreams you remember most are the dreams that have a message. I don't know where the messages are coming from, but in my experience, I agree.

I also read somewhere when the mind is stressed or going though unexpected changes, your subconscious sends you messages in your dreams to help you identify elements in your waking life. With all that has been going on in my life, my dreams been leaving distinct residue on my mind. A few nights ago, I dreamt that someone handed me an egg. The egg cracked and I saw the yolk. There mixed meanings of seeing an egg in your dream, but you also have to consider other parts of the dream, like the color of the egg, what type of egg, and who else was in the dream. Generally, having an egg dream is a good omen representing new opportunities. But it can also represent privacy or a void of your emotions. That fact that in my dream the egg crack and opened up could signify that I need to open up or speak out about my feelings about something.

Several weeks ago I dreamt of a guy I know and in the dream it shown me that he got involved with someone he told me he never had anything going on with. — Isn't that how it always happens? The person someone tell you not to be worried about ends up being the same person they start fooling with some time later? Probably because of all the “friendly” times they shared together and one time they just took it further. Anyway, I’ve had dreams like this before were there is some type of message stemming from my intuition that tells me my suspicions aren’t all off based. I once had a dream about a man I was sleeping with and in the dream he is walking away from me and saying to me, “You need to go…” In my dream I was upset, confused, and hurt. About a month later it comes out that the man started seeing someone and didn't tell me until I began to question him about his behavior. Just like in my dream, I was upset, confused, and hurt. He tried to excuse the fact of not telling me by saying he feels at peace when he’s around me and he didn't want to ruin that. — Men like this will always have issues managing their feelings with different women. They don’t know how to separate lust and love and they damage people along the way. — ❗️ Goodness, if I ever decide to write a book, there’s one name that would keep coming up, and that man is entirely convinced I had several partners in the time that I’ve known him 😒. No sir, I’m one of the good ones.

When I was still with my ex and I was already on the verge of ending things due to him having a child outside our home (this isn't a secret, everyone knows, my family knows, his family knows, the town we lived in knows, all our friends know. It was an embarrassment for both of us, especially him considering how my life has improved tremendously after leaving). I had a dream that the other woman had 2 children. 2 boys to be exact and at that time she only had the one son…fast forward a few months later, she is pregnant again and has a boy! And yes by the same man. Yup, that did it for me…on top of many other things in our damaged relationship. I told you, when men fck up, they fck up pretty badly and when they do, don’t ever let him touch you again. Although, if you're the kind of woman who just gets better after pain, then you'll no longer have any interest on those past men anyways…What did I say before? “The further ahead you get in life, the more your type becomes less your type.” — Men who you move on from knew a part of you that no longer exists, and that part is the soft spot you used to have for him. The feelings are never the same again.

I think I have dreams like this because I’m a very engaged person when I’m involved with someone, I may not always show it, but when I open my heart to people I’m blindly loyal and the universe seems to find a way to tell me I need to step back when the person isn't giving me the same energy. But after any type of heartache, I do have dreams that send symbolic elements referring to healing, growth, and perseverance. For instance, after being severely disappointed, I dreamt of water lilies. Dreams of water lilies signify an evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end. The flower represents rebirth and a willingness to try again while the leaf or pad of the plant represents a solid place from which to gain stability when the world feels as though it is constantly shifting and changing.

I’ve had dreams about people I’ve not reached out to in a while and when I do finally give them a call, I learned major life news about them. Or someone I care about will popup in my dream that wakes me up out of my sleep; when this happens it usually because something severe had just happened to them. I also have dreams about people who have passed and relatives of other people who I’ve never met, for instance, I never met my ex’s mother because she passed before I met him but she appeared in my dream when I was pregnant with our first child.

I heard that when people have near death incidences the wall between life and the spiritual world becomes thin. I’ve had several near death experiences in my life which is why I am convinced that I have Guardian Angels or at least someone on the other side looking out for me. The first one was when I was 3 years old, something severe happened to me that people started to lose hope that I would pull through. I do not know if it is because I am very intuitive or somehow I am closely connected to the spiritual world, but for the most part, my dreams seem to tell me what to be conscious of or what to be prepared for.

Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

Make It Mean Something

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I got a few comments from you guys from the last post about one of my guy friends who doesn’t like it when I wear revealing clothes. Some of you feel he is a great friend for wanting to keep my safe, while others thinks that he should not have a say in what I wear. Let me defend my friend here….

I had so much fun wearing this wig!

He wholeheartedly cares about me, we have known each other since we were kids and have seen each other through many life events. He did not and does not like my ex, but he tolerated him out of respect for me, so of course he was elated when I left that relationship behind me. But as far as him being particular with what I wear, it’s only when he and I hang out where we were raised the men in the northeast are a bit more aggressive than men from other areas. Sometimes it’s harmless and it’s just in their nature or demeanor, other times it can get out of hand and that’s why my friend feels the way he feels about me showing a little to much body. He’s had to step in against his own friends who tried to be a little too forward with me, because in his mind, not only am I a close friend, but I am also a woman and most men can physically dominate me, so he doesn’t want for me to get into a situation that could damage my life and because of that I do not mind covering up a little when I am around him.

Moving on….

You have know idea how much attention this $16 dress from Shein got!

So you guys remember when I said I decided last year that I wouldn't get intimately involved with someone? I still stand by that. The “sex only” stuff is not for me. I need it to mean something otherwise you’re wasting my time. The whole “it’s just sex” mindset can be used on those malleable girls, if you remember the video I shared from Shuler King, then you know exactly what I mean.

I want you to be of value to my life if I’m going to allow you to have a personal part of me. Give me advice, challenge my mind, share your thoughts, incorporate something of importance to you into my life. I cannot lay with you if all you can offer me is just your body, anyone can do that. I can't think of you intimately if you disappear, avoid me, or you are not available during times where I may need to lean on someone. That doesn't mean I will always need to lean on you, but at least you care enough to be there for me if I do need you. What sense does it make when you're only present when you want to have sex, but gone when I’m not at my best? In that case, You can stay gone. I do not want someone who sleeps with me and then throws in the towel when he feels he’s being pressured to be more than just a body to me.

Giving myself to someone who isn't engaged with my mind and spirit is like rewarding someone for just existing. You cannot just “exist” with me, especially if you want me, you have to add substance. I want to cherish the times I spend with you, not just clean my sheets each time. I want to laugh together, eat together, talk about our days together, I value companionship.

Now, with that being said, my schedule isn't so open to always have time for companionship, but with someone who doesn't get upset, make assumptions, and is understanding of times I need to work, study, be with family, catch up with friends, or to just be alone, then he’ll definitely get my efforts to show him my appreciation. Even if it does not become anything very serious, I still want it to mean something while we’re doing this.

Look Out For Her When She Doesn't

Yes, postings are still off schedule and this is being published a few days early. I've got a few deadlines this coming week and had to get this done sooner. 😉

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

All of my posts are pretty relative, of course, they are based off my opinions, perspective, and experiences. It usually takes me a week, sometimes two to complete one post because I brainstorm a topic once day and then come back to it few days later to add more, to edit, to review, to add photos and voice overs, so it does take me some time. This topic in particular is very relative because even though this post has been drafting for over a week, a few nights ago I went out to a bar that I’ve never been in an area that I’m not familiar with and of course I was by myself. I very much enjoyed my time and the people in the bar were very welcoming and catered to me. I am always impressed with the hospitality I get at random places, I’m not sure if it’s just charisma or that I am very personable, but I am always grateful that I meet nice people and that I get home safely because the reality of it is I do put myself in situations that could potentially be dangerous.

———

I’m going to be a little transparent with this post because I am aware that my personality isn't always very welcoming when people try to show they care, especially men, because I instantly think there's another motive for their kindness. I need to stop that. You can still accept a man's affections and keep your boundaries intact.

I decided to make a little change, let’s see if my MALE friends notice. 😏

Several years ago a group of friends and I went to an outdoor concert. We all went separately, so we all parked in different areas. At the end of the concert I could not exactly remember where I parked, but I recalled the direction of the parking lot. My male friend volunteered to help my find my car, but I was adamant that I could do it myself, so when he was off asking security where the different parking lots were, I walked off towards my car. I did locate where I parked, but shortly after my friend drove around and kind of yelled at me for walking off and lectured me about safety. Instead of pushing back, I just dropped my guard and accepted what he was telling me.

Another male friend, whom I grew up with and do not see very often, does not like it when I wear revealing clothes. His concern is the type of attention I attract and how he may need to shield me from men being too aggressive or rude. And although I like to wear what I like, I understand his sentiment for me and our overall safety. So, on the rare occasions that we do hang out I keep my attire more modest. If we lived in the same city and state, he would be the one to make sure he gets me home safely even if he wasn’t out with me that evening. But I wouldn't take advantage of that.

There was also a time when I went on a trip with a group of friends, it was a mixed crowd, men and women. I traveled there by myself and got my own hotel room. Of course we all went out on the town, had fun, was drinking throughout the night, and a few of us got into the same Uber to go back to our rooms. I was the only one who booked a different hotel from everybody and when it came time for me to get out of the car, one of the guys in our group suggested he walk me to my room. I initially declined and started to ramble on about how I’m okay to go in alone, but he interrupted me and said that I’ve been drinking and that it wasn't safe for me to walk in by myself. Before I could decline again, he told the driver to wait for him and then he proceeded to take my hand and walked me through the hotel, to the elevator, and down the hall to my room. He stayed outside of the room and then told me goodnight and to lock the door.

If you’re uncomfortable with this, then you’ve never seen a woman in a swimsuit or seen lingerie ads. My girl friends get bothered with these types of images all the time. I always send them random boobage pics. 😝

In these three mentioned scenarios, I love it when a man looks out for me, especially when I don’t expect it, argues against it, and on top of that, does not want anything in return other than knowing I’m ok. There's not a lot of men like this. Remember the “I’m Not Like Other Guys” post? Yeah, this falls into that subject too. And to add a little more to that, even if a man isn't in a formal relationship with a woman, but sleeping with her, he still should protect the connection he has with her and not show out around other women otherwise, he is like most men.

But back to this topic, a lot of men would avoid the hassle of trying to look out for a woman when she's being difficult or if he believes she doesn't need his assistance. NEWSFLASH: You always make sure a woman is safe. I appreciate the men who do this for me and don't act differently about it when other people are around because they know I normally go places by myself. It would be different if I always had at least one friend with me, then of course my friend(s) and I are going to look out for each other, otherwise what good of friends are they?

But there's always women who linger on to a man even when she’s out with her friends and finds a way to separate herself from her friends and convinces the man to drive her home. I never had that mindset. Whoever I’m arriving with, is the same person or people I'm leaving with, although this is easy for me because 95% of the time, it’s just me. But I knew a girl who always came out with her friends, yet would have a certain guy drive her home. The guy made it seem like he was just being nice, when he probably just wanted to be alone with her too and not realizing how it’s making her feel special for going out of his way or maybe they had something going on. Now that I think about it she did always seem to be where he was and certain things he would say let me know they had many personal conversations together, so maybe he invited her to wherever he was? And she always sent her friends off and waited for him to take her home. Either he was oblivious to it or he knew what she was doing and again wanted to be alone with her. Who knows, not my business.

But I do love it when a man takes the time to make sure nothing happens to me even if I’m just walking around the corner or down the street. Like I said, I’m not always accepting of a man’s help or concerns for me, but sometimes I do need to be reminded that the world does have evil people in it and bad things can happen at any time especially to a woman who is by herself. See the dangers that I don’t see. So with that being said, I don’t think highly of every man, but I do think highly of every Gentleman.

Are You Worth Changing My PH Balance For?

*Postings have been a little off schedule lately; normally live on Tuesday mornings, but I’m still getting a handle of my different schedules. Bare with me. 😬

Don’t fee like reading? Listen instead.

I made the decision late last year that I would not get intimately involved with anyone. I didn’t give myself a deadline on when I should get involved or what criteria a man should have before considering breaking my solidarity. If there is an impressive gentleman who comes my way or catches off guard, I’ll deal with my emotions and decisions then. But for now, it is a decision I made for myself for very personal reasons. Some of my friends know why and those who don’t know why always seem to ask me the following:

  • Don’t you get lonely?

  • What happens when you get into the mood?

“I'm So Pretty And He Like That” by King Manyara (Song is NSFW)

I feel like these are very simple answers. No I do not ever feel lonely, not because I have my family and friends, but because I enjoy my alone time and make the most of it even when I’m not doing much. And as far as getting into the mood….Ladies, c’mon. We know how to fix that and it doesn’t required another person. 😈

I'm not going to lie, ladies and gentlemen, there are times where I’d like to get a phone call or text message telling me to come out and enjoy the evening with him, but my phone is so dry that the only times it makes any noise is when my boss calls, one of my clients call, or when my classmates send me a message about an assignment. 😐

But I also feel that with people being casual with whomever and how many ever, I don’t need to be concerned about my health more than I have already been. And I definitely cannot allow bad energy in my life, nor can I accept for a man to take advantage of my willingness to understand and be a little laid back with some things other women may have an issue with.

I would definitely like having a male friend who I can be comfortable enough with to be in my underwear around him without him wanting to take it too far, like having the companionship with a man, but without the sex.

I’ve always thought sex as a personal and sacred connection with someone. That's not to say I’ve never had casual connections with people, I'm just not one who shares myself with many people. I know there are women who sleep with several different men within a short period of time, like a month, and I can't see myself doing that. And I don’t judge anyone who are more free with sex and people. Let your freak flag fly, but I rather have my freak flag fly in only 1 yard.

Because my shirt is a bit form fitting, someone asked, “Is that a kids shirt?” I said, “Yes, your daddy gave it to me because he calls me Baby.” 😈

P.S. - I want someone who can't keep his hands off me even when I act like I don't want him to. 😼

pH balance is referred to as an acid-base balance, it is the level of acids and bases in your blood at which your body functions best. It's important for women to maintain a healthy pH balance and ladies if you do not already know this, at different stages in our lives our pH balance changes due to other changes in our bodies. An unhealthy pH balance causes several uncomfortable things 😬 especially for your Hello Kitty and makes your girl down there feel sick 😫 🤒.

Men can affect your pH balance if they don't take care of themselves or are carrying residue and bacteria from other women. EWL. In chemistry, not all chemicals mix well. So with that in mind, I’m not so eager to share my Hello Kitty with anyone, she's more like a No No Kitty right now 😼. I’ll keep using my body washes and natural oils to keep my 🐱 healthy. And I cannot be sure if anyone else does the same, so I'm definitely not going to let some random man fck up my pH balance. — I sleep with him, then a few days later I’m feeling a little different. Uh, no Sir!

Bless their hearts, but men can be so disgusting with their hygiene routines. As beautiful of creatures they can be because there are some gorgeous men, Sorry HANSOME men, one of friends told me to stop calling men gorgeous. Not all soap is good soap and many of them don't have a skin care routine, they just use a wet rag on their face and go. So depending on how he keeps his man parts clean, my lady parts may or may not have a good reaction to him. But it’s not only how he cleans his body, it’s also what he puts into his body that can affect your inner chemicals further effecting mine. Be safe out there everyone.

“I’m Not Like Other Guys”

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I want to add an addition to “Men Have The Audacity” post. When I said I never had to approach a man, I feel that it is not my place to do. And this is my personal thought: If a man rather have a woman approach him, I predict he has a bit of sassiness in him or some type of feminine quality, not gay, but more so one of those men who misunderstands the elements of chivalry and being a gentleman.

Also, anytime I mention for a man to “do that on your own time” what I mean is I am not closed minded to think men don’t have flirtatious ways with women, just don’t do it when I am around. And I have hung out with enough of my guys friends to know that they do things that their girlfriends or wives would not like to see or hear about. Whatever a man does, the ones who set the bar high are the men who still protect their home and romantic relationships no matter what they do when they are out with friends or by themselves. A man in a relationship has to set the tone with other women so they know where their place is with him, because again, he still should protect the woman who is in a relationship with. Most men do know how to do this, but still think they are “not like other men”….

I told some people recently that the further you get in life the more “Your Type” become less YOUR TYPE. I look back on all the men I found interesting and I think to myself, “Yeah, I was a different person then.” And ALL of them without fail have said this line to me: I’m not like other guys. — I don’t know if this is just something they tell themselves or the fact they are completely unaware that their behaviors in social arenas with women are not too far different from the next.

Sleep Shirt: Ralph Lauren

Sidebar: Ladies, when you go to public places and make small talk with people, do they automatically assume you’re married??? I don’t know what it is, but more times than a little people make comments referring to a “husband” that I don’t have. For example, I went to HomeGoods to pick up a few things and at the checkout the woman said, “Are you and your husband redecorating?” Is there something that I am giving off that makes me a MARRIED WOMAN? And there is one particular guy friend I have where strangers think we are married. I don’t understand why they think that when we are not doing to saying anything to each other that eludes we’re married. So ladies, if this happens to you all the time, send me a message and tell me about your experiences or why you think this occurs.

What makes a man different from another man is the consistency in his words, actions, and affections for you. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE FELLAS. And if you fck up, admit that you fckd up and learn to better yourself. Women love that; when a man acknowledges that he didn't make the best decisions and puts forth effort to be more conscious of you.

I loathe hearing a man say, “I’m not like other guys.” Especially when they prove themselves to be just the same. Think of it this way: You can always take different routes to reach the same destination.

You don't say you're different, you just be different.

Men Have The Audacity

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Let me start by saying I have just as many guy friends as I do girl friends, but there is usually an imbalance of who I hang out with more because I do not always agree with every woman’s common perspectives on men and relationships and my girl friends don’t usually like my input. — Ladies, sometimes we have to take some of the blame when relationships fail or if you are constantly looking for love, but love never finds you. There is a statement I saw that reads: “None of my exes are married or in happy relationships, so I know I wasn’t the problem.” - This may be true for some of you, but what about the latter? What if almost every ex you have went off and got married? Then does that mean YOU were the problem? I guess that would all depend on how many relationships you had, the longevity of each one, what transpired within the relationship, and what caused it to end.

BUT, let me get back on track…when men fck up, they fck up pretty bad, but downplay it like what they did wasn’t big deal. In the clip created by Jess Hilarious, it emphasizes a man being upset that a woman is possibly seeing other men. Then she responds to him by stating he has a NEWBORN. I think this information implies that the man was sleeping with other women while in some form of building or starting something with her, but he is making it seem like it shouldn’t be an issue.

A clip from comedian, Jess Hilarious.

Of course this is an exaggerated example, but it brings light to how men behave and still expect women to fall in line with their bad behavior. Okay, so you can go and have a child with another woman, but I have to be okay with it and still give you a chance? THE AUDACITY. It’s similar to him saying he’s interested in you, but then talks to other women and gets upset with you when you talk to other men, like you cannot dare do the same thing he’s doing.

Real Life Scenario: I was involved with someone and those of you who’ve been coming to this site a long time know I don’t entertain multiple people. So the guy and I are out one night having fun, enjoying the crowd and talking with people around us. I think nothing of it. It was a good night. But later on the guy mentions that I was acting different when another man came around (WHAT?). I was really trying to wrap my head around what he thought he saw and the actual reality of the situation which was we were have conversations with everyone around us and I didn’t change my body language in any way to make it seem like I was giving someone other than him special attention. In hindsight, that was an insecurity on his part. If he had an issue, he should have addressed it sooner than later because the sooner you address something, the better perspective you receive. I noticed he would casually bring things like this up, making assumptions I was talking to other men. It wasn't until later on I sensed he did this to justify himself, to deflect his poor behavior and lack of consideration for me because one time he let another woman be all over him! IN FRONT OF ME. It wasn’t one of those things where a man is dancing in the moment and just enjoying the atmosphere and a woman around him is doing the same. No, it was him letting this girl fondle all over him, sit on his lap like they were a couple and him just soaking it up and smiling about it. Fam, you do that on your own time, not when the woman you're sleeping with is around you. And then he acted like I was the one with an issue when I had an attitude about it. 🤨 — Okay Sir, be out here and clown all you want to. I told you men are stupid, right? Yeah, STUPID. This is why when you fck up with me, there’s no chance of you ever getting close to me again, so let’s hope that move was worth it. I wish you well and all the happiness the world believes you deserve.

Bralette: Savage x Fenty Collection

Never in my life have I ever had to approach a man so I definitely don’t feel I need to chase one. If a man is not attracted to me or does not see how great I am, that’s fine, I’m not going to force anything on him — and me questioning certain things isn’t forcing, it’s gaining clarity. Some men don’t know this difference and thinks a woman is pressuring him. Like when you bring up things that bother you he makes it seem like you're the one that's being a bother. 😐 Fam, I'm trying to communicate my feelings to you! And the kicker is they think you're trying to argue when it only becomes an argument when they get offended and want to turn it back on you. Because they don’t understand emotional intelligence and aren't able to process how their actions affect your feelings 🙄

On the other side of the male spectrum, you guys remember the young man I met and decided not to string him along? Well, he still reaches out to me now and then and every time he does I more and more realize he does not understand or want to understand everything I need to do to maintain my life. I’m not going to go into details and I know he means no harm because again, we are at different stages in life so he cannot relate to me and of course he won’t full grasp why I’m not always available. But every time he reaches out to me it’s a constant reminder of, “Girl, you don’t have time to explain it to him, just type LOL and go.” He will be a great partner for someone one day, but I’m not her and I’m not about to waste his time while also wasting my time.

I don't need attention from everybody. If I like you and want to build something with you, I only want attention from you. It would be great if men started to practice this type of thinking too. This is called Accountability over Audacity. Let’s all work on this.

Opposing Views

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Seems like many of you watched the Shuler King video and a few of you sent me others to watch. And while most of you agree, there are some of you who have different thoughts.

This really isn’t a debate and let me give you some other thoughts for perception.

There are some people in there 20s who have established a few life’s common goals such as a home, a career, and possibly a family (kids). Those in this category have slightly different views of life (hopefully). For instance, I was 26/27 when I started getting into my career, made a decision to relocate, end my log term relationship, and started to lay down the concrete for my life. In my early 20s I was still figuring through some decisions and possibilities. It wasn't until about 31/32 was when I started to build upon the concrete I laid in my late 20s. Through my life experiences I was able to make more sound decisions with certain opportunities.

It is very possible for someone in their 20s to have their lives already together and it is possible for a woman in her 30s or 40s to still be trying to get her life together. Although, there is a category of women who wants a man to take care of them so they do not make much efforts to be stable on their own, kind of like going from their parents’ insurance to their husbands insurance.

So if you take age out of this, then you are left with who the person is, what they come with, where they want to go and what they plan to leave behind in order to pick up other experiences or lessons. But the overall thought of a man dating someone in her 20s is the common knowledge that those in that age group still need or want to live freely in order to gain some of life’s antidotes otherwise like the comedian said, “It’s going to get a little weird.”

It all ends up being where you are at in life and how much responsibilities you want to take on from your partner. With someone who is a little more established, they’ll be able to get through many small hurdles on their own and mainly lean on you for comfort, whereas someone who may not be a little more established may call on you for everything.

The other day I went to a cigar lounge. I never been there before. I went by myself; I was just looking for a laid back place to relax. Before I even went inside I was greeted by an older gentleman who told me to go in, have a seat and he’ll come bring me a drink. The man also introduced me to his friends who were there and as more of his acquaintances came, he made introductions with them too. All of the men there were at least in their late 50s to mid 60s. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or less adequate to be around them because my caliber is of a woman who is not only confident, educated, and personable, but I also carry many adult experiences that helps shape how I can communicate with people much older than me. My bestfriend came to meet me there and she pulls me aside and said, “Why do you always have a bunch of men around you?” 😂. I told her I didn’t do this, I just walked in and it happened. Then a short time after that her husband came and he pulls me aside and says, “Pooh, don’t ever come to these places by yourself again.” 😂 — They were just being cautious for me because I was visiting and neither I or them knew these people, but they were being very friendly with me.

The point is, I am able to have dialogue with men at any age because I can relate to a lot of things such as family, children, travel, education, property, politics, social concerns, etc. and I can articulate my thoughts well enough for them to know I am a well rounded woman who is of a certain age and who has standards and boundaries. Again, I go back to the 20 somethings, it is possible for a 25 year old to be further in life than her peers, but it is no very common that she’s gained enough experiences to fall into other categories outside of her age group.

Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP)

NEW: Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I wrote, Don’t Give Everyone Access in July 2020. And for whatever reason, ever since it’s been published it has been the most viewed each month. I do not know what's drawing people to it, I did not reveal any hidden secrets about life. I just talked about being aware of who is deserving of your time. I also mentioned that sometimes people need more time to become better versions of themselves and that the best way to do that is to give each other the separate space to grow. I gave an example of people falling apart and coming back together as better people, better friends, better partners. But I did advise that not everyone who goes in different directions are destined to come back together. Sometimes people grow apart and stay apart.

I attended a wedding recently 💍. My friend who got married reconnected with an old boyfriend after not seeing each other for several years and obviously they both became better lovers. They each had time to grow separately and figure out what they wanted in a relationship and after reconnecting and spending time together, they decided that being together is right for them. I am beyond happy for the newlyweds and the wedding was perfect. THE DETAILS! THE FCKN DETAILS! I FCKN LOVE MY FRIEND. She had 5ft tall letters that spelled out their names, she had floral wall installations for photo opportunities for her guest, and each seat at the table had goodies such a our names in acrylic cutouts, and since the husband is a DJ, the placemats were in the shape of vinyl records with a photo of the bride and groom in the center. I could go on and on about the visuals. OH AND HER RING!!! OMG HER RING!!! And her husband is so amazing and absolutely loves her, they’ve been together a few years so I’ve come to love him just as much as I love her. At the reception, he was encouraging us girls to get together because it's been too long since we all hung out. And I know he said this because he knows how much his wife cherishes her friendships. - Yes, sir we will make it happen! 🥰These two are the definition of falling apart and coming back together even better. And I am so happy my friend gave it another chance. 💝

On the other hand, another person I knew was in and out of a fling with a man for many years. Even though he would give her the impression he wanted a relationship with her, he never made it official, never asked her to be his girlfriend, and never claimed her as such to anyone. So the last time I was made aware of her reconnecting with him, he came back married and she continued to entertain him 🤬! Of course this goes against my own personal morals, but what really made me decide to distance myself from this woman was how she completely had no regard for the wife and said, “I don’t care how she feels. She took what I wanted.” after I asked her a question in hopes she would realize that what she’s doing is wrong. 😲😡 I. Was. Disgusted.

It toiled in my gut the next 24 hours. I was hurt, disappointed, and shocked at this person who speaks of women's empowerment, independence, strength, and support, but yet she wasn't fully exercising this in her personal life. I knew I could never look at her the same way. I never met the man, but anytime she would give me a recap of their conversations and time together, I knew what he was doing. 🙄 And I’m sure he knew it too. She made it all to easy for him to keep circling back around to her without offering anything substantial, but she always tried to defend her decisions by saying they are leading to a relationship or they talked about a relationship or that he did something to keep her hopeful; I saw through that too. I don’t know what their situation or status is as of today, I haven't spoken to the woman in over 2 years and at that time I remember thinking to myself, “God isn't going to bless her with a good husband.” Today, I still have no intention to be close friends with someone who romanticizes a future with a married man.

My wedding look - Dress: ShopMicas.com | Blazer: Valentino

I know women who are only interested in being with married men because of the noncommittal aspect of it and they just have fun with the men without anything too serious. I don’t agree with this either, but I understand it more than wanting to take a man from his wife or fanaticizing a life with him.

In this woman’s particular scenario, she wasn’t having fun. Her plans for him almost seemed premeditated. She should have never given that man so much access to her because each time he came back around, he expected her to let him back into her life — and she did without fail claiming to want closure and answers on why he keeps stringing her along. No, they didn't have any children together or have any shared common property. They were just two separate people who took advantage of each other’s willingness and lack of rationale. I was exhausted with it. If they at least had 1 child together, I may have been a little more empathetic, but no, it was just her having issues taking care of herself and trying to validate her own self value and him with several kids, different women, and a marriage that may or may not have been having issues; I think this was his 2nd marriage….Hmmm, I sense a pattern with that man. How about you? — Yeah, I too love it when men lie to me to keep me close to them. 🙄 Stupid. 😒 But to be honest, it is a good feeling to think you're the only one he wants even if it’s not all the way true.

When a man doesn't really value you he’s going to use you fill any voids he has and make you believe that by including you he sees you for everything you are when really you're just everything for the moment to him. You shouldn't allow him that privilege. Some may say it's best to live for the moment, I agree but only to a certain extent. Because if you keep having the moments where you’re intertwined in each others social life and personal life and nothing comes of it then you have a laundry list of, “What that hell am I doing?”

Although, this wasn’t the only reason I stopped all communication with the woman. After that last conversation, I reflected back on our friendship and I realized there were way too many times I tried to coax her out of whatever rut she was in and coddled her self-esteem issues. I didn't know it while I was in it, but that friendship was draining a lot of my energy and with the married man to top it all off, I just needed to step away and stay away. I don’t wish anything ill on people, I hope that woman is doing what's best and finds or has happiness. I just cannot have someone in my immediate circle who is motivated on hurting someone or has malicious intent for their own gain.

I’m my initial post in 2020, I listed things people can take from you:

  • Your energy

  • Your confidence

  • Your hard work

  • Your finances

  • Your rewards

  • YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

but I want to add these three:

  • Your time

  • Your values

  • Your good judgment

Without realizing it, people can change you for the worst because you see the good in them, because you are close to them, because you want to understand them, because they depend on you, because you want to be there for them. But people can really suck the life out of you and then you have nothing to give to yourself. If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us, but that’s no excuse to deplete yourself in order to appease someone else.

Everyone doesn't have access to me and can’t have access to me because I won’t allow it. My personal time, my personal space, my personal growth, my personal healing is just what is stated…personal. And guess what, you don’t have to get personal with everyone you know.