Shuler King Message

September 12, 2022

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One of my friends sent me this YouTube link. It features Shuler King (comedian) discussing his views on older men dating young women. His response was prompted by another man making the claim that he rather date younger women because they “go with the flow” and are “moldable”.

I figure I’d share this with you since it has been a recent topic here on the site. And to add a little more on my point of view on this: Men above….say 35 or even 40 who date women under 30 either do not like to be challenged or do not want to be challenged so they choose to go younger. The whole pill thing that’s mentioned in the video isn’t really anyone’s business but that man’s and his doctor’s suggestions. Some older men still have a good libido. — Hey, I’m trying to give you men some credit here because this video is criticizing you for some of your personal choices. But hey, in the words of Shuler King, “You like what you like.” (I can choose not to deal with you and I can choose how close I am to you.)

Also, if you surround yourself with young people or even surround yourself with like-minds, you’re going to attract those same like-minds. One of my good guy friends who is my age is always getting involved with 20-something women, although he himself has a 20-something way of thinking. I would call him out for it, but he won’t get it. Granted, I don't hang out with him or communicate with him often. Some men are just set and there's not much you can say to them without them getting offended and defensive.

And it’s not about dating younger, it’s more so about dating someone who still needs to establish some things in life and in your 20’s there is a good chance you’ve not done so yet….like having insurance which was mentioned in the video.

If you like the attention, that’s fine, but you don’t have to take it any further and make “friendships” that becomes questionable to your character. Another friend (male) used the phrase, “the weird old guy hanging around college aged girls”…again, I’m just the messenger. If you are this man, your life doesn't have to be mixed with mine, hey do what you like. Good luck out there, Fam.

My Phone Code

September 6, 2022

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One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.
If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Questions? Comments?

August 31, 2022

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A lot of you send me questions and comments. Remember, you can use the “Contact Me” option to anonymously send an inquiry. There's a few topics that keep coming up so let's address them.

Who takes your pictures? - I do. I have experience in photography and I offer services when my schedule allows it, so I have a lot of equipment that I use to take my own photos. Aside from that, I’m a fashion person and always trying to fine tune my personal style. I hate to admit this, but I am not financially responsible when it comes to shopping. I have about 4 closets that are jam packed with clothes and about 25% still has tags on it. Yes, I have a problem.

Why do think older men date younger girls? - This comes more and more I’ve noticed. I don’t think this is a new issue or if it is even an issue at all. Women are always quick to make jabs at men who are with younger women; making jokes about her age comparing what she knows and what she’s able to do since she doesn’t have the same life experience. I wrote about this topic a while back in, “She’s Too Young For You, Bro” but, I wouldn't get hung up on this too much. A good majority of men do this. I’ve seen it in ALL of my guy friends, none of them were unique in this category. Men in their 40s and 50s dating girls in their 20s. 😳

It’s always happened, no matter what decade we look into. I don’t really know the reason why. Maybe men like what the younger women are offering or how they are displaying themselves? From what I’ve seen, many of the younger crowd are very “ambitious” and “eager” for a certain type of attention. Social media has spawned an illustrious fantasy of partying and being wild and it’s an appealing attribute for much of the younger crowds and maybe the older men find that appealing too.

Remember when I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me? He was very sweet, but I realized very quickly there wasn't much we could talk about. He was at a different place in life than I am. But I did give him some credit and was very impressed that he was much further in life than others his age. He had his own fancy apartment, no roommates, already a few years into his career and extremely focused on aligning his skills to achieving more goals. He wasn't in an entry level job or working at as a cashier at a restaurant or store where he was waiting on something better to come along. Not that there's anything wrong with working at those positions, but he knew early on what he wanted to do and he started doing it. Yeah, that was impressive.

Back to the older men, I’m sure they have their reason, as questionable as it may look, but you don’t have to be involved with a man like that. If you notice a man always with a younger woman in his face, he probably doesn’t possess the qualities you want anyway. Although, I did mention all my guy friends have entertained younger girls, sometimes it was just for the moment in a club or lounge setting, but others did try to make something serious of it. Hey, if they're comfortable meeting her parents, much power to them.

And, I’m not romantically involved with any of them, so I don't bother them about it. But here's some perspective, when I was in my 20s, I was interested in older men. Many times we think older men are more mature, stable, emotionally conscious, and make better partners, but many of us realized THAT WASN’T ACCURATE. 😐 Men can be disappointing at any age.

Why did you disable the comments? - For anyone who doesn't recall, earlier this year and part of last year, the comments section was getting out of control and I did not have the bandwidth to manage it every hour. The comments were offensive to others and some of them were offensive to me, so it was just best to disable them and keep the, disabled. In the Member Only Reads, comments are allowed.

What are you studying now? - Some of you know I recently got accepted into a Doctoral Degree Program. My concentration is on Educational Leadership and Organizational Innovation. The program focuses on applications in real word settings and developing ways to administer change for improvements. The best thing about the program I chose is that my studies include the dissertation as oppose to other programs that have you study for 3-4 years and then work on your dissertation.

Why are you always talking about privacy even though you have a public website? - Privacy is very important to me and I still have to be very mindful of what I share and how much I share with the public. Even when I post things to my social media accounts, there’s always a wall of ambiguity.

Even with my friends and family, I do not share everything with them. If you notice with your own experiences, when you share something, people begin to expect you to continue sharing with them or updating them with more details about yourself. There’s things I do not mind sharing, such as the fact that I am in Grad school, but I’m not going to share details of my coursework, who my classmates are, or the names of my professors. I share surface level information…I hope that makes sense.

With my personal life I am protective of it. I may share my experiences, but I won’t share identifying details of who, what, when and where. For instance, if I get into a relationship, you are most likely never going to see a picture of him, unless it’s a wedding photo. And with my friends and family, they may never even know his name if it’s not serious and I’m very tight lipped on what intricate details I share with them about my relationships. When I was with my ex he would share EVERYTHING that happened in our relationship with people, but me on the other hand, I wanted to keep our matters within our home and with any issues, I wanted us to talk about it to each other, not to the world. And I continue to have this mindset. — For years, my friends knew I was vaguely involved with someone who I referred to as “Alabama”. And anytime they would ask about him, they would use the same moniker I gave him, “How's Alabama?”, “When’s the last time you saw Alabama?” — I would directly answer their questions and move onto the next topic. I wouldn't linger or go into any further details. I wasn't keeping anything secret, I feel like secrecy is lying with a twist. I was open about the fact I was sleeping with someone, I just decided to keep everything else between us. I don't have problem with people knowing certain things about me, but I want to live my personal life according to me, not everyone else.

Stay Unbroken

August 25, 2022

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DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃
If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳
If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫
If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️
If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀
If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴
If he says, “You’re good people.” IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫
If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈
If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵
If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.

Manifesting The Man

August 15, 2022

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I keep coming across articles and podcasts where a few women discussed how they manifested their perfect man and they are now either engaged or married. 🤔 Okay, someone is going to have to spell this out for me….so these women decided on what type of man they wanted and he just appeared? Maybe it wasn't that simple, but isn't that similar to having a list? Or putting out into the universe what you want back?

I was never one to have a list, but I do believe in wonders of the universe. — Unless you’d consider my post about Mr. Perfect a list and a type of manifestation; three things I didn't mention in that post are (and these are my personal preferences) 1: A man knowing how to hug you. There's a kind of hug where he holds you tight to him and looks at you with the highest admiration before kissing your forehead and then resting his cheek against your hair. 2: He knows how to pay attention to your body, listens to it and knows what you sound like right before you 💢💦…so he can keep going. And 3: Most women will understand this - There are days when I just don’t feel pretty. There's nothing wrong with my self-esteem, but sometimes I just don’t feel attractive. On those days I still want for my Love to compliment me and make me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman he knows.

The women who shared their stories all seem happy, in which I am happy for them. Finding a partner, a companion, who you can share your goals and achievements with is amazing. Calling them when you have great news. Calling them when you have bad news. Celebrating together. Comforting each other. Listening to old records on Sundays. Sometimes meeting for lunch. Laying the couch watching shows together. Joking about silly things. Apologizing and working to do better. Surprising each other. Building a life together.

Maybe I’m a bit standoffish to this idea because men have let me down and disappointed me. I saw something that said, “People who are highly independent have gotten used to people letting them down.” Accurate. The most frustrating part is that I don’t even really ask for much. I don’t want more kids, I’m still on the fence about marriage, I make my own money, I have my own places; so all I want is quality time, progressive conversations, maybe some weekend getaways here and there, a few date nights, and him not to act funny with me in front of people, but even then it’s too much for them. 🙁 — Not every grown man is grown.

Let me put it into terms some of you can follow:

📢 If we’re fckn, I’m your btch. You don’t have to wonder about me getting comfortable with someone else. And if we’re out and there's other broads around us then I’m the one you're entertaining. It's not about those hoes at the moment, it’s my time. We’ll still be friendly and welcoming to people, but our body language says “Nah, I’m with someone”. And if we're in the house, I'm not worried about what's going on outside because I'm devoting that time to you. We’re not going to be around each other 24/7 but when we are, let’s act accordingly.

Although here’s a thought, What if a man is manifesting a woman like me? Would our manifestations lead us to finding each other? What if I already know him and we are unknowingly desiring the exact type of people we already are? But we just don’t talk about it to each other so we never see what’s right in front of us. Could a man fully love a woman who is prideful, stubborn, determined, driven, shuts down when upset, gets a little too much when drinking, talks aggressively, makes inappropriate jokes, doesn't know how to take compliments, is loyal, passionate, sensual, sensitive, and still evolving?

Maybe one day someone will ask me to dinner and I’ll actually agree or breakfast might be less formal. Whoever he is, let’s hope he never finds this site. But, I would like for my potential partner to get a glimpse of how my mind works, even if he never tells that he see all these topsy-turvy posts. 🤪 I’d probably turn red if he did tell me because I do say some intimate things. 😳 …Sir, which post exactly did you read???!!!

I had a conversation with my mother not too long ago and she mentioned how proud she is of her daughters for achieving so much in life that we do not have to seek a marriage for stability. And she kind of made a jab at herself saying she wasn’t smart enough to do the same. I never heard my mother say something like that before and reveal that side of her, nor do I think she is foolish for always landing a husband who takes care of her. She is of a different generation and upbringing. In her environment, the goal was to be a wife in America. In my environment, the goal is to defy the odds predetermined for women. So I ask again, What if a man is manifesting a woman like me?

Off Limits

August 9, 2022

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Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒
He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔
He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

I Wish A Man Would (NSFW)

August 2, 2022

UPDATE: Some of you readers have really been paying attention because a few of you guessed correctly which number was mine. 👀😆 Others were close. I like to have a veil of modesty over me when it comes to these things, but once I've opened up to a man, that's a different story and then I'm more comfortable being forward with him. 😉

Also, a man sent this and wanted me to share: “I got a chick I used to fck with. She stopped fcking with me or whatever but I know she still feeling ya boy. Bet, if she come around with another [dude] I'm gonna take her right in front of him.” —— Ummmmm….Sir. 👀 I’m confused. Is this something you wish the girl would do??? WHAT!!! 😆 I will admit this much and I cannot speak for all women, but a man that pulls me aside or away from another man is kind of a turn on. But wait Fellas, don’t go doing this to every and any woman. You have to at least be sure she still holds a flame for you. 🔥 (Note: I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.)

________

Remember in Men Are Demons I mention that anytime a woman has her Chakras aligned, skin glowing, hair healthy, and waist getting smaller men always seem to pop up out of no where with, “Wyd?” — Boy! I'm minding my business, stay away from me! 😄

Although, opposite of that, have you ever been around a man you are attracted to and not sleeping with, but with one right move you would ravage him, but you don't want to say anything because you don’t want to seem forward? Same. 😄😇 Sometimes I wish men could read our minds so we don’t have to seem like “wayward” women…or is that just me? 😆 I'm so stubborn that I’ll keep holding on to my celibacy before I tell a man I want to do anything with him . If a man wants me, he better say something because I surely won’t!!! 😳😬🤐🥴🤣 — I’m very disciplined in different areas of my life and this is one of them; due to this, contrary to how I may dress and how friendly I can be, I still don’t have a history of many partners…Fam, my sh*t is precious, everyone is not deserving of it. 🙃 (Even if I’m joking around and say “I’m going hoe-ing”, I may come back home with a few new numbers in my phone, but NO BODIES! 🚫)

There is a part of me that's very strong willed, but there is another part of me that wants to be or does not mind to be…submissive. And I’m not the only one. Remember a few posts back I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me, but I decided not to mislead him even though he shown a few highly attractive ALFA characteristics? (Sorry ladies, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I played games with that young man).

Anyway since that time I got some private comments about how some of you would like a man to make the first move. I’m going to keep this content rated “M” for Mature, but the “R” version will be in the Members Only section. I decided to throw in some of my wishes, but I’m not going to identify which one is mine. 🙃

I have this super fine trainer and every time we start our workout he helps me stretch out my body, his hand are on my waist, legs, all of that. I think he's attracted to me too but wants to keep it professional but just once JUST ONCE I want him to pull me into one of the changing rooms and _____ my _____ out. 💪🏽
I don’t know how to say this a man but when we are out in public in front of friends and people we know I want him to show PDA and kind of nasty PDA like walk up to me when I’m in mid conversation with someone grab my neck, whisper something in my ear and walk away. I want that move to let everyone know he doesn’t play about me especially in front of men who want me. 🔐
I want him to record it while he's ____ it from the ____ and then I him to tell me to ____ his ____ until he ____ and record that too. 😳
After an argument I want my man to tell me to shut up and he just does what DMX did to Keisha in Belly. 👀
Sometime I just want the dude I like to show up at my house and when I open my door he doesn’t say a word to but just pushes me against the wall and pulls my leg ____ _____ ____ and starts _____ me through my house. 🏠
During sex I want him to cuss me out and call me _____ and _____. But I’m scared he may judge me for it. 🙊
If I’m wearing a low cut dress at the club I want him to slide his hand in my top and start ______ _______ _______ ______ and kiss me while everyone is looking. 💋
I want this guy to grab me, look me dead in my eyes and tell me what he's about to do to me. And I want him to setup a ______ while he watches and tells the other girl what to do and how to do it. 😼
I have a guy friend that is being too nice to me, but I don’t want him to be nice. I want him to take full advantage of me the next time we go drinking. But I want him to be kind of slick about it and not make it obvious and find a way to get me to his house or him come to mine but I want him to take all control of the situation. 😈
I want him to go all out one weekend and take me to a nice hotel where he pulls all my nastiness out and convinces me to do things I never did before like tell me to ______ and then still treat me like an innocent princess afterwards. 👸
I have a friend who doesn't know I'm crazy about him but I also think I’m not his type because I see the type of girls that be around him and I’m not like any of them. He likes the young party girls who like to twerk and shake ass but I just like to chill. We hang out a few times and we have a good time together but just wish he’d tell me I’m the only one he's worried about and to take home and so I can ____ ____ and ____ his ____ until he ____ ____ ____ ____ and show him what he’s been missing. ❤
I’ve been lusting on a man for about a month. He hasn't made any moves. I’m not ugly so I don’t think he's not attracted to me. I think he knows I want him but he's not doing anything about it. He might have a girl but I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want him thinking I want him if he doesn't already know it. But girl! If he ever calls me and tells me to come over I’m _____ my _____ and i’m going over there and _____ on his _____ until I _____ in his ____ and then I’m going to let him _____ my _____ out from ____ and let him ____ my ____ until it’s sore. 🤐

A Few Good Men

July 26, 2022

I need to brag on some of my male friends. There is only a handful of them who have no ulterior motives when I hang out with them. I don’t speak with them all the time, may once a week, maybe every few months, or maybe only once a year, but anytime I am around them, I feel loved, supported and protected. 😊

They make me feel very comfortable and respectfully correct me or challenge me to think beyond my emotions. But one of the best things I love about them is that they always make me feel great about myself. No, I never had an intimate relationship with any of them and none of them have seen me in an inappropriate way. *There was one evening recently when I was out with a few of them celebrating a birthday and my low cut dress kept having a mind of its own and trying to show my areolas (see photo, that's the look I was wearing). A couple of the guys delicately fixed my dress throughout the night. Yes, their hands graced my breasts and maybe a nipple, but it wasn’t in a way where I felt fondled, offended, or uncomfortable; in other words their hands didn’t linger on me.

And anytime I’m out drinking with them, they always offer to either get me a hotel room, welcome their home to me, or find a way to get me home safely. Even though I always decline their offers, I love their warmth towards me and how they look out for me. There are only a select few people who I feel safe around when I am drinking a lot, hence why I don’t drink with too many folks.

All of these men are highly attractive and are established well in life; most of them are married or in serious relationship and many of you know my stance on taken men (not the way I move). As for the single ones, there's a line I won't cross due to other factors on top of my personal values.

When you have men who genuinely care about you and who don't take advantage of your friendship with them, you start to learn a different version of love and understanding. Through these amazing male friends of mine, I've learned another level of patience, empathy, and ambition. Plus, they encourage me to keep my options open as a single woman and want me to have a partner who equally values me just as much as I value him.

For instance, I’m sure they would not want me invested in someone who spends intimate time with me, but then turns around and invites another woman to the movies or the bowling alley and when someone mistakenly mentions it to me and I ask about it, I get this line, “Oh, it was nothing like that.” — Sure Fam. Somehow she just guessed you were going to be there and expected you to take her home afterwards. Yeah ok, go ahead and exit stage left because your act is redundant. *(If you’re going to do fck boy things, then do fck boy things around people who don’t know me or who know the code of propriety with two people who are sleeping together). You can enjoy yourself, but make sure to not let anything questionable get back to me.

I would not have any issues introducing my guy friends to someone I’m involved with and I don't doubt that they'll let me know if someone isn’t for me or if someone is playing foolish games with me. I fully believe they want me to be happy and want to see me thrive in life just as much as I want the same for them. There is really not enough words in the world to fully explain my appreciation for these guys; I am blessed to have them.

*Either that or it’s these new natural body oils I’ve been using that’s keeping *everything* healthy.

The Energy You Give

July 26, 2022

The energy you give is just as important as the energy you allow yourself to take in. Energies can easily be changed, shifted, and influenced. You want to be cognizant of the vibe you are exuding. Even if you are being friendly, if your mood is distant or shut off, it will still come through: tone, word usage, and body language can convey your current energy. You have to be carefully with your negative energy because someone else might match it. If your tone is aggressive or dismissive then should you be offended if the person you are talking to meets your tone with the same energy?

When someone is upset, they don’t look outside themselves and see how their behavior is possibly influencing bad reactions from others, that’s why when people are arguing, nothing is being heard, therefore nothing is being solved. Good leaders, whether of a company or a home, have to be careful of the energy they are giving off because it will either encourage positive responses or rebellious ones. This is the main reason why arguing through text is never a good idea.

Example: This wasn’t an argument, but it could have turned into one if I didn’t practice self-awareness. I sent a message to someone late at night with misguided information. I pieced together different parts of conversations with people earlier that evening and the end conclusion that I held on to was completely inaccurate 🤦🏽‍♀️ (!!!) And the response I got the next morning was very justified 🙃😄. But instead of holding my ground and causing friction, I began to accept my misunderstanding and revert back to a happier energy.
*But I’ve noticed sometimes when people know who I am or who I know, they'll say certain things around me to see my reaction or how I respond. 😒

What do you notice when you are genuinely happy or at least happy with the people around you? You are laughing, you are smiling, you are welcoming, and you are emanating good, positive energy which flows onto others and their same energy flows onto you. So it’s a good practice to be around people who are in sound mind, body, and peace. But we are not robots, so we cannot always be cheerful. Although, when we are not in a happy-go-lucky mood some of us shut down and need space from everyone (be mindful that you are not hurting others when you are in this alone or dark space), while others try to find their happiness through others (also not healthy).

When my mood is down, I keep myself away from everyone because I don’t want what’s bothering me to inflict them, but I still have to work on not letting other people get me down. I still have certain triggers that switch my mood from good to horrible very quickly.

*While on vacation, I got some weird tan lines due to my choice of swimwear. 🛳🌞👙

In a physical relationship, pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine someone having a confused aura or negative energy and they are sleeping with multiple people, now their aura is being carried around through these multiple energies and the person is also carrying around the auras of other people. What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract more negative energy into your life. — If you believe this, then you should not sleep with anyone who you do not what to be like or not happy to be around because their energy will begin to transfer stress into your life.

If you have sex with positive, loving, uplifting people their energy is absorbed and uplifts you. If you have sex with negative, pessimistic, unstable, depressive people then that energy will have you confused, frustrated and moody.

This entire theory is the idea that environmental energy and physical energy manifests itself to mental energy. Anyone in agreement any with this?

Building Barriers

July 19, 2022

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)

Body Image

July 11, 2022

I received an email telling me I should be ashamed for the types of pictures I’m sharing and how I cannot be a good woman if I am constantly sexualizing myself. I should note that the email seemly came from a MAN 🤨. Here are my thoughts…

THIS IS MY BODY….I repeat, MY BODY. I’m not sharing it with anyone but me. I’ve always shown my legs and I will keep doing so. As far as other parts you may see…. I went through a life changing experience last year and I’m embracing the new changes with my body and I’m very unapologetic about how I’m going about with being feminine. Yes, you will see legs, thighs, underboob, sideboob, and cleavage. And guess what? If you don't want to see any of that, you can choose not to come here. 💁🏽‍♀️

I will never understand why people feel the need to criticize a woman's body, telling her what she needs to do with her body, or judging her for how she shows her body.

Granted there are some women who are very risqué with their outfit choices, the reasons for their outfits, and what they do in said outfits. So some of your critiques aren't all wrong, but tread lightly either way.

A woman presents herself how she feels fit, necessary, or comfortable. I may not always feel great or at my best and at times I have issues with my weight, but I love the curvatures of my body. I cover what I feel should be covered and I show what I feel confident with showing. I’m not hanging on men or parading myself like a trollop. If anything, I’m a tease because I won’t let anyone touch me and whoever is blessed enough to have me more than a friend will never have to worry about me giving more attention to another man and should take pride that I chose him and only him. And if he’s really for me, he won’t have any issues standing by me and shutting down anyone who has anything against me. Even if he doesn’t agree with me, protect me in public and disagree with me in private.

Dear Writer of the Email,

Thank you for your “concern” about how I am presenting myself. You must be very sure of yourself to go out of your way to tell me how I’m such a sinful woman because of how I embrace my physique. Like most common men out here, I’m most likely not your type which is: young, dumb, and easily controlled, but you probably downplay it and tell people you like “free spirited” women. Well lucky for you, you'll never have to be around the likes of me. And an added benefit, I’ll never be interested or succumb to a man who feels like he can't be a real man if he allows a woman to think for herself. Big victory on your part, right? So I'm going to keep wearing my clothes how I want to, thank you kindly. 😊 💁🏽‍♀️💅🏾
Sincerely,
I'm showing body whether you like it or not ❤

Message to my other best friend who always hypes me up.

Hard Truths

July 6, 2022

Everyone wants the truth, but can you handle it? (Remember that movie? 😏) Sometimes the truth hurts. Are we justified to being sensitive over it? Here are a list of things to think about and how to not allow them to diminish your confidence or well being.

Ladies, I’m going to start with this one first….

He’s Not That Into You.

I forgot how long my hair used to be. May be time to let it grow again.

You may be gorgeous, independent, and have a lot going for you, but if you only hear from him or see him when you reach out to him, then it is possible you are not in the forefront of his thoughts. Yeah he could be busy and attending to other parts of his life, but if he likes you, he’ll make a way to spend time with you and not just after hours or only indoors where it’s just the two of you, nothing wrong with that, but if those are the only times he is willing to see you then…..ya might want to cut your losses.

Men are simple creatures, but they have their complex moments. Yeah, it can be frustrating if you really like a guy and he doesn’t seem to like you back the same way. Yet, you have to ask yourself why are you so intrigued by him? Why do you want to be so invested?
If he’s not randomly calling/texting you and asking about your day or seeing when the next time you are available, which are basic communication principals, then sweetheart…move on. Also, not to be more cynical, but if he's acting questionable, he may have a girlfriend or wife you don’t know about. — Trust me, I’ve seen this with enough men…some of them are my friends 😒. (I’m sorry ladies, they’re out of control, but they are still good people. And Fellas, if you're here too, I keep telling you guys: Tell the woman the truth and let her decide what to do with it.)
SIDE STORY: Musical Artist, Jeezy, married talk show host Jeanie Mai, recently and while they were dating, my sister mention how good he is to her. How sweet and caring he is to her. The way he looks at her, the way he treats her, etc. My response to my sister was: THAT’S HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE TOWARDS A WOMAN HE IS DATING OR LIKES. 🤦🏽‍♀️

*Although, you can take the above information with a grain of salt considering I curved about 7 men since the beginning of this year. And towards the end of last year I was closed off to everyone and everything, so I am not the best source for dating answers. There was nothing wrong with the men, all of them were sweet, wanted to take me out, complimented me, asked to know more about me….I just wasn’t interest. Also, I’m about to embark of something that is going to take up much of my extra time and energy; I'm not confident a man will accept not being a priority.

Your Relationship Failed.

I love seeing a Husband and Wife team; they both equally support each other, protect each other, and speak highly of each other. Humans are not engineered to be alone, that is why there is this underlying instinct for wanting good friends and keeping connected with family. Although, one thing we should open our minds to is that humans are evolvers which also means we tend to change over time including our feelings.

The 20+ years of marriage or even 10 years are not as easy to come by these days. Why? Aside from opportunities of indiscretion, in my opinion, we have become so engulfed with achieving so many things that we lose sight or interests on what may be good for our hearts. Sometimes we are so far gone that keeping a relationship is just not worth the hassle. Other times, our growth made us become different people and now our goals are no longer the same.
You can keep doing the roundabout and keep telling each other, “This time we’ll do better.” and sometimes it works, but I am a firm believer that deep down you know what you are willing to do vs. what you are capable of doing and if those two notions are not cohesive, then…Sweetheart, you need to first be honest with yourself and then your partner. And one day, you may meet your true match. (If I get married again, we’re eloping. 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽 Dear Possibly Future Husband, save the money, let's just buy a duplex and put it on Air BnB.)

People Don’t Always Care When You Are Suffering.

This one may be a tricky gamble, but I'm still going to roll the dice.... I once read something that said, “People don’t reach out to you when you feel alone, they reach out when they feel alone.” — Wow, that hurt, but before your start to development resentment towards people, remember, we all still have to manage our own lives and some of us are fighting through our own demons and we prefer to battle in silence, so we don’t have the mental capacity to hear about someone else’s trauma. Many times when people ask me how I am doing, I give the standard response, “Everything is good.” even though I may be facing a few challenges at the moment. It is not because I do not want to share my life, it is more due to the fact that I do not want others to be concerned or consumed with what I may have going on. Also, I don’t need everyone to deposit their two cents into my life bank.

When some people are going through troubled times, they seek comfort, someone to listen and give them positive affirmations. If you are at a good place in your life, you do not automatically think to call someone who may not be in that same space because: 1. You may not want the person to feel worse because you are doing so well and 2. Listening to other people’s woes can sometimes take away from your positive elements.
If you are in a rut, first analyze how you got there, most times it is due to what I call, “self infliction” meaning the decisions you made landed yourself here. So if you made some poor choices, here is the result. Looking for confirmation that better things will come may make you feel better, but if you don’t make personal changes, you will end up at that same crossroads.

Pain Will Teach You, Pride Won’t Let You Learn

*Ladies, I deep condition my hair once a week: A hair mask for 1 hour at the least, sometimes overnight, then wash and dry. Many oil base ingredients are great for your hair: almond oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil, etc.

This one is for ALL of us because at one point or another, we house too much pride. We don’t want to be embarrassed or feel ashamed. We want to be right, we want to be justified, we want to win. AND WE CAN HAVE IT ALL if we allow ourselves to learn from our setbacks.

Don’t hold on to a mistake just because it took you a long time making it. That is your pride holding on because you don’t want to accept the failure. It is OKAY to fail, it is OKAY to fall. Learn from what went wrong.
If we knew it all, there would be no growth, no evolution. We would be a mundane society. There would be no challenges, no conversations of something bigger.

You Cannot Force Someone To See That You Are A Blessing

This connects to the first one: You are not made for everything and everyone. Again, YOU ARE NOT MADE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Sometimes what you want is not for you, but you are still a blessing, let those unbeknownst miss out. Pride plays into this also, you may want what you want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Wait for something better.

If you are doing right by yourself, by your family or those you care about, don’t worry about that someone may not see in you.
Even if you know you can elevate a business, a group, a relationship, and you are fully confident about what you are capable of, give yourself to those who will value it.

Alfa Men

June 29, 2022

Apparently my last post sparked a lot of interest from you ladies. I received an abundance of emails sharing your experience with younger men. 👀😳 I’ll share your stories on the Members Only reads.

A few of you mentioned my distain about being called high maintenance and agreed that it’s the younger mindset that has not experienced enough of life or earn enough money to develop certain preferences on how you like to live. I also hate the word “boujie” which is not even a formal English word. It stems from the French term, bourgeois and bourgeoisie which means to be materialistic. — Ok, I’m materialistic for having expensive purses and shoes, but a man isn't materialistic for having luxury cars and watches? 😒 Everyone lives within their means, I’m not asking you to live within mine, and I’m not looking down on you for not living the same way, so don’t call me high maintenance or boujie.

And almost all of you agreed with me when I said the younger men Are Not Afraid To Tell You They Want You. They’ll tell you they miss you, they want to see you, shower you with so many compliments and yeah, sometimes kiss you unexpectedly; which is such the ALFA Man energy that's appreciated.

I like for a man to be masculine, dominate, and has the qualities of an ALFA, but I also love it when he has a soft spot for me and gives me reassurance, warmth, and comfort. That he doesn't care what his friends say or think if he shows me affection or special attention, because he wants me to know that I’m important to him.

ALFA men take charge of a situation with fineness and then don’t make the women they are sweet on feel unappreciated. Although, with that being said, ALFA men are still human and will still make mistakes, say or do the wrong things, the difference is they learn and make up for it. They are a different pedigree of men, but they are still men, so let’s not expect them to do everything perfectly. The one thing I do expect is for a man to make an effort. — Still saving my precious until I feel confident of a man. 😼

Through a few articles I’ve read, here are some common characteristics of an ALFA Male:

1. He’s courageous - No fearless, but courageous. We all have insecurities and fears that we cannot control, but the alpha male is able to still move on in a particular direction in spite of his fears. He may be afraid that his new business will fail, but that won’t stop him from trying. He may be concerned that the beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar won’t want to speak to him, but he’ll still introduce himself and if she declines, he doesn’t make a scene over it.

2. He can control his emotions - We all react differently to certain things or people in our lives. The alpha male will react by taking a series of deep breaths and evaluating his next best action, he won’t lash out emotionally and dig himself a grave. — Again, he is not perfect and may still have slipups here and there.

3. He has a purpose - He is clear about his goals. The alpha male always has a purpose, he knows his direction and remains focused. — This may come with further age and experience, but he rarely just floats around aimlessly.

4. He’s not afraid to make decisions - The fear of making decisions is actually a fear of dealing with the consequences of making the wrong decision. This stems from the courage we covered in number 1 above, but it deserves its own number because people recognize decision makers. And they identify them as leaders. And alpha males are not afraid to lead.

5. He’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind - People have grown overly sensitive. All too often we don’t say what we’re really thinking. Maybe we’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Or maybe we’re afraid of starting a confrontation. The alpha male still says he part, his terms and tone may differ depending on who is is speaking to, but he still says it.

6. He doesn’t let any one thing rule his life - Some people become consumed by their careers. Others are consumed by their relationships. When this happens, everything else starts to fall apart. Their health declines, their career declines, and their relationships are ruined. The alpha male recognizes that life must be balanced. Work, love, health, and friends are all essential areas that must be cultivated in order to maintain a strong lifestyle across the board.

7. He’s not afraid to say “no” - People will ask you for favors in life. And if the benefit of the favor to the other person outweighs the cost of doing the favor to you, then it should be done. But these costs and benefits should be measured. The alpha male is not a pushover. He doesn’t blindly oblige to the whims and requests of others. If his boss asks him to stay late, but he has plans elsewhere, then he kindly says “no” and moves on. He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself either because he’s looking out for his best interests. Selfishness is underrated. I’m not saying to be a selfish asshole, but if we all looked out for ourselves, then we’d all be much better off.

8. He acknowledges his weaknesses - (this one is very important to me) If you’re blind to your weaknesses then you’re setting yourself up for failure. They will continue to undermine you at every step of your life until they’re addressed and improved. It doesn’t matter if it’s a categorical weakness like being bad with women or a character weakness like being impatient, the alpha male doesn’t get depressed about having a weakness. And he doesn’t deny it out of a sense of pride. Instead he realizes that he’s lacking, and he moves to fix it.

9. He is particular about his appearance and posture - Well-groomed people make a great first impression. Alpha men are very particular about how they present themselves. They maintain personal hygiene, wear good clothes, and make sure they look their best. They are confident individuals and use their body language to their advantage. Standing straight, keeping the chin up, proper eye contact, firm handshake — these come naturally to the alpha male while interacting with people.

10. He has a great sense of humor - (I absolutely love a good sense of humor in people) One of the biggest strengths of an alpha male is his sense of humor. He doesn’t get offended if people make fun of him. Instead, he spins the situation in his favor by laughing at himself. He can make light of even his most humiliating failure because he considers it a learning experience. A silly joke has no effect on his sense of self-worth.

But keep in mind there is such an idea of being TOO ALFA where a man just doesn’t show any softness or grace, he also should have a balanced percentage of BETA characteristics. 💗

Misleading

June 23, 2022

When you know someone is intrigued by you but, you are not as intrigued with them or not in a space where you can give them the better of you, it’d be in your best interest not to mislead them…like sending them suggestive messages, using terms of endearment, or even being affectionate can encourage people to develop a false sense of certainty. Emotions are unpredictable and can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. You can’t control what others think or feel, but you can control what you do and say with other people.

Let me give you a scenario (real life): There is a young man I met recently and when I say “young man” I really mean, young man….like I'm at least 10 years older than him. How we met, I was out by myself, per usual, and he sat next to me and began a conversation. I gave him my number just as a friendly gesture and didn't think anything more of it. The next day he sent me a text, very casual: “Hey love, how are you today?” I responded in similar tone. Through a few conversations, I got to learn a bit about him. He is very career oriented, in fact he does very well and is much further in life mentally and financially than many others his age. He’s not into the partying life or even going out frequently (I do admire that). He doesn't have any children and never been married. He’s also very close to his family (I love that too). I’m really impressed with all this considering his age and his looks. — Yes ladies, he's a very handsome young man, nice smile, good teeth, healthy skin, tattooed, well groomed, and he routinely goes to the gym, so yeah, I’d say he's a great catch for any women…correction, any focused woman between the ages of 23 to maybe 27. But for whatever reason, he's trying to play ball on my court. Hopefully, he’ll grow weary of me soon and set his sights on another woman. The one big difference I notice with the younger men is that THEY ARE NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU THEY WANT YOU. I guess the misplaced “man-pride” that comes with age hasn’t grown on them yet.

I won’t lie, it’s very flattering getting this attention especially since no man in my preferred age group is asking me how my day is 😒 (they all must have gotten themselves in serious relationships now), but here's why I won’t take it too far with this young man:

Even though he is determined and puts forth effort to accomplish his goals, he is still at a different place in life than me (realistically, you can be at different places in life with someone your own age too) and in some of our conversations it’s very apparent that we are from different generations, the terms he uses (he once texted “ofc” — Fam, tell me why I had to Google it to find out it is a shorted way to say “of course”, WTF?!) , the things he talks about, stuff that he's interested in (his ears don’t have a broad range for music), etc. There was something that irritated me a little about him; he kept saying I was high maintenance because I mentioned my preferences with certain things. — I am maintaining myself and what I like is what I like. There is nothing wrong with catering your life to your preference. I think he is mis-defining high maintenance with what others his age are considering overzealous or too much.

I’m not one of those people whose in denial of how old I am or trying to keep up with the younger lifestyles and I’m not trying to impress them. And this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I lived a lot very early in life. Now, I have a lot of things keeping me busy and I’m constantly on the go; I don’t have much time to offer and the time I do have I want to do what I like. This young man also wants children and if any of you have been longtime readers then you know that more kids is a No for me. I really do love the considerate messages and compliments he continues to give me, but I cannot do or say anything that may be misinterpreted into letting him think there could be something serious, I won’t even tease him with anything casual either. With all this in mind, I don’t want to block any of his blessings and take up his valuable time when he could be spending it with someone who is willing to give him what he wants. So I’ve kept all our communication very simple and friendly.

*I almost caved one evening when I met him for drinks. He was sitting very close to me, we were have a great time and I was laughing about something he said and in that same moment he grasps my neck, pulls me closer, and gently kisses right below my jawline 😳. It was that subtle dominance that I like, but I pulled away and stayed coy. He didn't try anything more after that and we continued to have good conversations the rest of the evening. I knew even more then that I had to be very careful with him. But since he is becoming my friend and I’m learning more about him, I find myself starting to be protective of him — he is a good man and very much deserving of a woman who won’t play games with him — including me. Ladies, with these young men, we can’t let the GOOD ones get broken. — Like some of the men my age and older 😒.

We have to be aware of what we are doing to people even if we “think” it’s innocent, they may not see it the same way, but it's hard if you are naturally personable, charismatic and welcoming to people. Sometimes we have to stop and see ourselves from the outside because unbeknownst to us, we can mislead people without realizing it.

And a personal note: If I am in a casual relationship with someone or sleeping with someone, no matter how our situation is defined… don’t give another woman extra attention in front of me, don’t allow her to hang on to you, don’t hang on to her, don’t make it look like you're involved with her and treat me like an afterthought because at that point I’m going to wonder which one of us you’re misleading. Do your nonsense on your own time and space; respect my presence when we’re in the same environment. Or…if we are not involved in any intimate way and you are interested in me, but you're showing another woman more attention because you don’t want to seem too interested in me then….Go do what you want Fam. I’m good.

Single Does Not Equal Lonely

June 18, 2022

To all the ladies who email me to ask what is so amazing about being single or wonder if I ever feel alone or don’t understand my need for solitude, this post is for you….

Let me start with saying my solitude is my safe space where I relax and reflect on my decisions, my future, and just go through my thoughts. My solitude cannot have distractions. I do various things on my own that is considered being in the confines of solitude: catch up on shows or watch movies, spend time with my kids, read, head to a coffee shop to work, go to a happy hour, or just fully rest and pamper myself. Solitude does not mean there are no people around you, it just means you take the time for yourself and do things you enjoy. The distraction would be if I adjust my enjoyment for someone else’s enjoyment.

Secondly, I do not ever feel alone or lonely. I have my groups of friends and each of them fit my life differently. The other night I decided to catch up with a very dear friend and we watched the finals (GS vs Boston), it was a great time, we caught up on new things going on in our lives, we laughed, we joked, and I was home before midnight. Then I have my childhood friends who I chat with every so often and we just share our currents thoughts throughout our day. And I have a few friends I sometimes run into when I’m out doing random things and we may sit and be in each other’s company for a while. Then of course I have my kids. So you see, I am never alone or even feel alone. — That’s a mindset.

The thing most of you may be jammed up on is the intimacy and companionship of being romantically or casually involved with someone. I don’t really require that, but what I do require is protection…protection of knowing I am loyal, but I also need my “me time” and with that, it does not mean I am giving what I share with you to anyone else, and not to hold it against me or be upset or speak down about me because I want a few days alone or to do other things…that for me is the intimacy I want. I’ve not had my fair share of relationships, I can count one 1 hand the number of people I’ve been serious about. I never felt that a relationship defines who I am or who I can be. Although, I do empathize with many of you women and I do like some elements of companionship. Remembering little details about me, what I like and make an attempt to see me smile. Yes, check in on me frequently and if I am involved with you in any way, I won’t ignore your call/message. I have no issue with saying I’m just relaxing for a few days or I’ll say that I have plans to go catch up with friends or if I’ll be out of town, or whatever I have in line that may keep me for spending time with you. Don’t get upset or use it against me to become distant. I am also not the kind of woman to be with any and every man, so I will never be involved with more than one person at a time and if a man thinks that of me, especially if I’m not behaving in that way or displaying poor values, then that is a sector of his doubts and insecurities, not mine. I like giving reassurance because I appreciate that too, calling me crazy or being dismissive of me when I ask about something/someone is a red flag I cannot ignore (and it may awake certain demons that don’t need to be up and who aren't pleasant to have around.) Have your fun and have your solitude too, but don’t minimize and discount what we share.

I am not against relationships, I love seeing people happy with someone and going through life together. And the parameters of a relationship is different for everyone. The only thing I like about my solitude and privacy is that no one really knows all the details of my life, they see what they see and may assume certain things, but if I am involved with someone, the one thing I won’t do is discuss the specifics of what we do or say with any outsiders. And I also won’t say anything foul against you if I am upset. — I surely won’t rally people not to speak to you or befriend you because I believe in people deciding for themselves how to communicate with others. I am here and stand by you until we decide different…that’s part of my loyalty along with many other values. Like I said in my last post:

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

I don’t want fast, I don’t want simple. I don’t want easy. I also don’t want someone who is accessible to any and every woman. I am willing to go through the motions, but someone has to be just as willing too. — And any form of relationship with me isn’t going to be normal or what you may expect.

New Feelings

June 11, 2022

I’m at a really good place in life….let me clarify, I always have good and great moments throughout my life, but right now feels a little different. I’m on my own schedule, keeping up with productive routines, doing better with catching up with friends, and surprisingly finding myself enjoying things I did not think I would. Some of my friends are assuming I am in a new relationship or wrapped up in some man that is taking good care of me 🙄. One of my guy friends made a snarky comment when I cancelled lunch plans with him, “Ok, tell your boyfriend I said Hi.'“ 😑 In reality, I wanted to focus on an essay I needed to write for admissions to an EdD program. I don’t understand why people assume women are snuggling up with a man when she is happy, has good energy, and declines plans.

Trust me, if I was involved with someone, there wouldn’t be any secrets. I’m not going to lie if I’m asked and say there isn’t anyone if there is. I’d say so if I’m seeing someone (even if it’s casual, that is still a form of relationship). I may not say who, but I'll at the very least say there is someone and until then, I’m just seeing about myself 😏. If you see me out having a good time with a guy, don’t assume anything, maybe I’m catching up with a friend or maybe I just made a new friend and living in the moment before I head home….by myself. Like I mentioned in Kitty Care, the chosen one will be very pleased that I am taking care of myself.

The love in my life is abundant, but the romance in my life does not exist. Unfortunately, I feel like some men are void of romance. I am very Austen and Fitzgerald when it comes to loving and being in love (*they are famous novelists). With so many people wanting things to be fast, simple, and easy it’s like if it doesn’t look good or feel good then it’s not worth it to them. You should want someone who has affections for you at your best and still cares for your at your worst and you won’t find that out in the first few months you meet someone or starting to get closer to someone.

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

Feelings can develop from anywhere with anyone at anytime — that’s the allure and flaw in relationships (any form or level of relationship). What is today, may not be tomorrow. But again, I do not have those issues in my life currently. My feelings are for me and someone would have to be overly amazing and pleasantly surprise me before I consider changing my mind. To give a few hints, refer back to Mr. Perfect and The Makings of a Perfect Lover.

The Makings of a Perfect Lover

May 28, 2022

I use the term Lover a bit loosely without giving you my definition behind it. Some of my friends laugh at me because they believe it is an old English term, but I think it’s useful and has its purposes. A Lover is the blurry area between a friend, boyfriend and husband. And no one is asked to be a Lover, you kind of just fall into the the title.

Bare with me, this can get confusing….

Let’s start with the basics. Everything begins a friendship and what’s a friendship? — A companion you have some things in common with and enjoy sharing time and having conversations with. And even within friendships, there is an element of loyalty and commitment, wouldn’t you say? With a boyfriend or husband there is an automatic defined commitment, yes? With a Lover, it’s not as clear cut. At this point you may be thinking of a more modern term such as being in a “Situationship” with someone…no, a Lover does have some firm definition within its own ambiguity.

A Lover is a friend, but a Lover is not a boyfriend. A Lover keeps the foundation of loyalty in the sense of he is still considering your thoughts and feelings to a certain point. A Lover may or may not show up for special occasions or troubled occasions, but if he is a true friend, he will if he is able to or he will at least give you a call/text to see how your are. For those around you, your relationship with your Lover may look like different things to them — that you two are great friends, that you two are completely fond of each other, or both. And no, a Lover has no obligation to you like a boyfriend, but he still has a soft spot for you and cares for you deeply.

Let me give you a scenario.

If I am in a crowed room with my Lover, we did not arrive together, he does not have to fawn over me, but he does give me slightly more attention than anyone else in the room as if he were an admirer. He may converse with other people, but he keeps a close eye on me. And he doesn’t do anything suggestive with other women in front of me that might get me upset or sway me to distance myself from him. We also don’t have to leave together, I may leave before him, he may leave before me, but he does ensure I get to my vehicle or that I get home safely. And if I do exit before him and he stays behind, his thoughts of me still remain intact in a way that he may now give more attention to other women, but they are still not getting the same treatment as I do. You see where this is starting to get confusing?

Ultimately, a man makes himself a Lover. A Lover will have to make his own judgment calls when I am around and when I am not around. Is he looking for a new woman to share in his affections or is he still infatuated with me? He may not share with people the details of our arrangement, but he also doesn’t downplay it for others, for example, everyone knows there is something between us, but no one knows exactly what. And if we are at odds, will it skew his actions with other women? Will he call someone else to give him special company? And will he still value the foundation of our friendship?

Perfection is a fantasy word and the unfortunate part about a Lover is that he may NOT be a Lover to you tomorrow because there is not commitment of longevity, but that’s where you have to separate the emotions and have mature conversations about what is changing between the two of you.

UnBirthday 2022

May 24, 2022

There is a lot of confusion of when my birthday actually is. My mother says one thing, my birth certificate says another, and I acknowledge my birthday on a different day every few years. So all of May is my “UnBirthday”. This year is a little extra special because I not only finally decided to celebrate my birthday openly, but I also decided to celebrate my recent accomplishments….three weeks long of celebrations in different states.

I am completely worn out! The last time I celebrated myself was maybe 8 years ago and since then, I’ve just been keeping life very simple. This year I wanted to be different. And I am so blessed with the people I have in my life who have celebrated me in private as well as in public. There are people that support you and then there are people who show their support for you.

My genuine readers have been amazing through the years. I will always keep a veil of privacy between what I do and what I share. The reason is for my peace of mind because I don’t always want someone else’s input on what I decide for myself. Not everyone will understand and that’s ok. As long as I am not causing harm to myself or others, then if I wish to keep certain things to myself, then so be it.

But when I celebrate, I want to celebrate with anyone and everyone who has imprinted on my life in a great way. There should not be any bad energy when all you want to do is smile, be grateful, be happy, and enjoy everything that you’ve accomplished, personally and professionally. I am overly ecstatic that in the last few weeks I was surrounded by people who were on the same groove as me. I could not have asked for anything better.

One night stand

May 15, 2022

Reader Question: “Raya, what do you think about one night stands? Have you ever had one?”

I chuckle as I’m trying to think of how to say this…

The last one night stand I had ended up being a 5-6 year thing. 😅 I really did not think I would ever see that man again, he was only in town for one more night when I met him and I went against all my “safe” decisions that whole evening….so yeah, I’m not the best person to speak on this topic.

For me, the one night stand thrill isn't my thing. Never was. But again, that one night I did everything out of the norm and ended making a long term acquaintance. — Won’t be doing that again.

Here's some stories from you about your one Night encounters….

The one story I cannot get over is the woman who said she ran into her one night stand the next day when he came to her place of business with his WIFE AND KIDS! 😲 — See, this is why I can't do things like that, a little mystery is good, but if you're the type of man to do things like that, just let the woman know so she can make her own decision. We're all grown, what's the worst that could happen if you tell the truth??? That she says no? 😒 I know for a fact there's plenty women who will still say yes, no matter what situation you're in. I'm not one of those women though, be safe out there kids. I may not want to be anyone’s wife right now and I may joke about indecent things or give grace towards my friends who do indecent things, but I am still of wife-caliber. Get it?

Space Kitty

May 9, 2022

Much of you know I don’t use a lot of harsh chemicals on my skin (aside from when I color my hair), but I am really careful about the products I use for skin care. I came across a company called Space Kitty and no, it’s not a cutesie toy company for small children. It’s skin care products mainly for your….ehem….feminine area 🐱. I did some research and from what I found, the company is fairly new and just now gaining attention because some of the customers claim that their “Kitty” area has improved tremendously after using the products. I went ahead and bought the Pretty Kitty Kit.

Quick Disclaimer: I did not purchase this for any reason but to try it out myself, there is no one who has been privileged enough to be near my…ummm…. personals. Ladies and gentleman, when I say there isn’t anyone, I literally mean it. — There is no one I’m cozying up to or has the impression that we are “talking” or “dating”, NONE OF THAT AT ALL. I know of people who say “I’m not with anyone” but yet, there is at least one person in their phone who is getting some type of special treatment. Trust me, no one is getting special treatment from me. I am fully on Good Girl status.

Anyway, I’ve been using the products for a few weeks now and let me tell you….who ever does get the honor… 😲🤯...yeah.

Some of the reviews from other customers claim that their Kitty is more 💦💦 and others claim their partners cannot stop 😜 and ………… read the rest in MEMBERS ONLY along with my full review of the products and how my 🐱 has ___________.)