You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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Selfish Acts

I had a difficult time organizing my thoughts on this one. I didn’t want to make anyone feel “selfish” but I also didn’t want to avoid the notion that how we act can affect others.

At different times in our lives we go through transformations, when something changes our way of thinking also impacting our way of living. When we make these changes for ourselves, Is it being selfish?

A friend of many years whom is now engaged (about a year, after 4 years of dating) disclosed to me that he made an act of indiscretion. I didn’t judge him or tell him he was wrong. He did express to me that him and his fiancé have been rocky for a while and when the pandemic hit, things did not get much better for the pair. They seem to have been arguing about the same issues over and over again. When my friend confided in me, I said to him that maybe he needs to see what else is out there, just to be sure this is the person he wants to spend his future with. I wasn’t making those statements to go against his fiancé, but rather I wanted my friend to understand that he doesn’t need to go through the same headaches. I don’t deny that he loves his fiancé, but how healthy is a relationship if you are constantly arguing about the same things? — Sometimes we need to let go of things we’ve gotten used to because we overlook how poorly it’s affecting us. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I also don’t want him saying Yes to a marriage that may not be healthy for him long term.

Another friend of mine is a bit of a workhorse, long days, longer nights with very few hours of sleep. It’s hard to have conversations with him sometimes and I do most of the talking when we do converse. I can always tell when he is half listening because tiredness takes over his brain and he disengages. Honestly, it pains me to see him so depleted at times, I just want to send him off to a remote island so he can shut down and close his eyes, but knowing him, he’ll fight me on that and refuse to go. I even once told his brother how worried I was about him. I think by default it impairs his communication in his personal life because he doesn’t have the energy and that so many occurrences are happening businesswise that he is unable to equally balance his relationships outside of work. I don’t want to be so bold and say it impairs his judgement, but I’ve seen him not make so great decisions because his awareness was lacking. I’m sure he receives flack here and there from other friends and family members. Yet, in this regard, he is getting more value from his ventures than what is being drained from him, so I can empathize with his want to keep doing what he does. Whether his behaviors are selfish, right or wrong, he has to make that call on himself.

Even in my personal life, I sometimes have to step back and assess if what I am doing is healthy. If my life is being influenced by someone else, if my actions portray good behaviors that I want people to show on to me, if I am being patient enough with people, and if I am really walking a path that will bring me everything I want for myself. I know my pride and my stubbornness interferes with how I act with people. Sometimes when I’m hurt, my pride won’t let me show it nor will it always let me admit when I’m wrong. I do try to make changes where I see fit. And sometimes those changes are disconnecting from people who no longer fit in my good space. You don’t have to keep everyone in your life and it’s not selfish if you cut ties. Some people are not meant to be with you long term, they are only there to show you what you need or don’t need. If you have been reading, then you will recall that earlier this year I walked away from an 8 year friendship because it was giving me more grief than peace. Instead of telling her that her choices were hindering how I think of her and how it was contradicting to what she was showing the world, I just let go. I didn’t give notice of my decision, I just stopped accepting calls and messages. It hurt to do it because she was one of the first friends I made when I relocated and also my best foodie friend, but it was necessary for me to realize what types of friends I want to keep in my life.

It’s not selfish to have standards. You have to set boundaries with friends and family and you definitely have to set boundaries with romantic relationships. It vexes me how some people resort to claiming that being in a meaningful relationship will solve a lot of problems and that you just have to let your guard down…WHY??? Time and time again people will tell me I am in danger of never getting into a serious relationship because I’m too head strong, I’m too smart, I’m too successful, I’m too determined, I’m too independent...blah, blah, blah.

• First of all, what do any of those reasons have anything to do with being in a serious relationship? Because I have focus? Because I take care of myself? Because I don’t want to be a dumb woman? Because I don’t want to pass myself around or waste my time with men who don’t know what they want? This makes me ineligible to be in a meaningful relationship?

  • SIDENOTE: I’ve been back and forth in a small town and one of the acquaintances I made said to me, “All they do out here is just sleep with each other and go on to the next one.” WHAT??!! Yeaaaa, let me continue to keep my standards up and be selfish with myself.

• Secondly, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who is intimated with who I am, who doesn’t match my ambitions, and who doesn’t support my goals. I am not for the weak.

Yes, I agree that people should be willing to open up to one another so they can get closer, but let me remind you, I still stand firm on a the fact that MEN SET THE TONE in relationships, how he approaches a woman, how he courts her, how he continues to show his interest, and how he relays information to her. I’m not about to chase down any man…tf I look like doing that? I make time where I want to and there are people I give grace to and who I am more patient with, but I am still not going to alter my life for anyone who doesn’t meet me at least half way. — Selfish? Okay, I’ll take that.

You should be selfish with yourself, your space, your time, and your energy. YOU are the one who is living YOUR life, you are the one making choices for yourself. You are the one who know you the best. So, if you have to make a decision that may not be understood by others, it’s okay…I mean, don’t be an ass towards people, but definitely do things that are in your best interest.

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What Could a 4-6 Week Lockdown Mean?

This is hypothetical, but it can happen if the President Elect seals the deal.

We've been at this since March, oh how long ago that felt like... remember Tiger King, killer hornets, learning how to wash our hands, alcohol deliveries, everyone making bread and sharing their home-cooked meals or home DIYs...fond memories. — It feels like we've been 5 years into 2020 so far.

And let's not talk about the kids learning virtually, I. AM. TRAUMATIZED. Ideally, I imagine there are companies strategizing on how to make online learning for young students more effective and enjoyable, when there's a need, fill it. Not to discredit K-12, an online learning platform that's been graduating kids since 2000. Some parents aren't educators (I fall into this category) and some children learn better in person. I told my daughter this can help her prepare for a different version of college, she'll still be able to work and travel the world without being stuck in a classroom all day. I definitely do not oppose online learning considering I opted for it myself the last few years. It just takes discipline and focus.

But what could it mean of we undergo a serious shutdown? Well, let's be honest, the economy will suffer even more. No one going out, gallivanting in the streets, shopping, going out to eat, traveling, getting sweaters for our dogs. ‍ME ⬅️, I'm one of those people who profusely stimulates the economy because I'm always buying stupid shit I don't need, but even I'm getting tried of online checkouts…Sorry Amazon I just don't feel the same way anymore, can we still be friends? Although the purpose of the lockdown is for the economy to thrive and get back to "normal".

England has already began their efforts in late October. I mentioned it to my sister and her comment was, "Yeah, we need one too because I just want to f*cking go to Disney World.” — Let's throw her some Mickey ears and churros to keep her calm. I feel her sentiment though, the closest tropical place I went to was...nowhere, I've been stuck here like the rest of you sensible people who know how to behave. No sun kissed skin, no clear blue ocean water, no volleyball on the sand, no cabana boys feeding me recycled compliments for tips, NOTHING.

Sorry, my distain for 2020 is showing a little too much. Maybe that's why I've been so moody lately, normally by this time of year I already enjoyed at least two vacations. Traveling wasn't completely off the tables for everyone, I know a few people who flew to other countries and stayed healthy, you just have to follow the guidelines.

Anyway....

On November 9th, I saw my stocks blossom. I spoke to a friend that evening, we went through our portfolios and discussed how we can make a few adjustments to keep our investments in the green. Yet, if the U.S. were to put up "Sorry, We're Closed" signs, I don't expect for the market to do so well because it feeds off the people. Keep in mind, the U.S. survived the Great Depression, didn't it? And aren't Americans more resourceful now? I'd like to believe so, otherwise what's the allure of immigrants like me coming here, obtaining a citizenship, and building a good life? So, I'm not too concerned about the market. I don't put money in there that I need to live off of anyway.

Five Java - Tuscaloosa, AL

And have you noticed prices going up on groceries or seeing a sanitizing charge at some eat-in restaurants? Well, businesses have to make up their profits in some way. They have to keep the lights on, pay leasing, pay taxes, buy inventory, maintain working equipment, and of course pay employees just to list of few things owners have to think about. Could this mean a surge in costs after coming out of a potential close out? And should we go into unemployment? Or has that been a sensitive topic all year? With what I do, some months I saw spikes in applications, other months I barely saw 10 in one week. But even while interviewing, the demeanors I see are either lackluster or just too excitable to work with little emotional range in between.

Sports? What sports?

The holidays this year will definitely have a different look and feel. Not sure where I'll be yet, I may be solo dolo because best believe I'm not doing large gatherings and I don't want to talk about politics at anyone's dinner table. I even deactivated my Facebook account because I didn't want to keep seeing repelling arguments from both sides, it's like watching trains collide with no conductors, so yeah, just pass me the yams that's already in the Tupperware because breaking out the fine China is useless at this point, maybe we can still use silverware over the plastic utensils, sound fair?

Do we need a lockdown? I think so. The COVID numbers are still climbing, people are either not caring or just accepting this reality as the new normal? Newsflash, catching a virus that potentially can kill you within months or even weeks is not a new normal I want to welcome. I can't image the pain of losing someone over this or what about my loved ones losing me? To never be able to see me again because I wanted to be careless with my health and safety. Keeping ourselves away from the outside isn't the end of the world, yeah there will be some economic repercussions, but I think we all just need to have a time out. I'm more introverted than I am extroverted and I am actually more productive when I stay distant. It gives me the chance to think about different aspects of my life, what is bringing value to me, what is draining me, what is most important to me, what I need to let go of, and what or who I want in my future.

If we do this lockdown now or whenever Biden proposes, we have the make the most of it and know it will bring us closer to 'living' again. Plus, it will allow us to look forward to an enjoyable summer. I know I need it, don't you?

Why would we keep wanting to do the same things and expect different results? (Let this one sink into each part of your life. Don’t exclude that sometimes YOU can have toxic behaviors.)

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Receipts

Today’s climate for women has drastically changed since 50 or even 15 years ago, but for some reason many of us still feel the need to be dependent on someone else. If your whole purpose in life is to be a wife or someone’s arm candy then let me not sway you any different. Some women are good at using their looks to live good in life….I’m not one of those women, trust me I look a hot mess in the mornings and I am not about to rush to get up in the morning to make myself beautiful just to fit someone else’s standard.

Social media tends to drown out female powerhouses who hustle hard and reach the top on their own. And even then, you’ll have critics who will say, “She slept her way into money.” Some people just cannot separate the fact that women CAN do things without a man’s aide. We can do the research, we can request for information, we can call meetings, we can organize. Many things you see around us is Pretty, Sexy, or Visually Pleasing in a way that it dilutes your sense of reality, but there are very intelligent women who use more than their looks to make a living.

• Let me be transparent, I know how I look, I know I’m a bit easy on the eyes, that I appeal to many races because of my “exotic” features, and I sometimes dress in a way that invokes interest, but don’t get it twisted, I’m not gallivanting with several men, asking for handouts, or showing myself to get attention. And even if I share my number, doesn’t mean I am interested, I’m just social. — There are so many unnamed numbers in my phone, I couldn’t even begin to pinpoint what number belongs to who, most times the conversations end after I close out my tab.

I didn’t earn multiple degrees and certifications, and develop more than one stream of income for someone to take care of me. I didn’t start entry-level and pulled evening and weekend hours to meet deadlines just for people to only say, “She’s just a pretty girl.” — Nah fam, I’m more than that. And I also didn’t do all this for someone to come in my life a take away all my accolades because he rather me sit home and wait for him. (No reference to anyone in particular…I know how some of your minds work.)

You may be wondering why the title of this post is “Receipts” or what it has to do with what I am talking about. Well, because there are different categories of women and some of us are in the category of collecting our own receipts. Let me elaborate, I am not one who expects a man to financially take care of me. If he is capable and he offers, that’s one thing, but I will not expect someone to do for me if I cannot do for myself first. SIDENOTE: I do like fresh flowers in my home at least once a week, so if he goes out of his way to get me a bouquet, it’ll mean a lot.

Even if I am seriously involved with a man, he will not have the sole responsibility of carrying us both, I am bringing plenty to the table too. My partner will not be the only one who comes out of pocket, I’ll pick up the tab for us and our company if we are entertaining people, I’ll pay a few expenses, I’ll put money down on a business venture. I may be careful with my finances, but I’m not stingy with my wallet. I can’t take money to the after life with me, so why not do what I can with it while I’m here? One of the benefits of being with someone is that they make your life more enjoyable. I want for my partner to be proud to have someone like me, proud that I am not just a face, that I have my own ambitions and motivation to be great in life and to look over at me and say with confidence, “Yeah, that’s my lady.” We still have our masculine and feminine roles, but on paper, we bring the same efforts to each other. Although, this isn’t about being in a relationship, it’s about being a woman who can stand on her own and mind you, You cannot control who you attract, but you do control who you entertain, who you have interests in and what types of interest you have in a person.

I applaud any woman who strives to obtain and maintain the life she wants and feels she deserves without being co-dependent on someone getting her there. One of the main reasons women throughout history fought for our rights was/is to be seen as equivalent beings to men. — So how can we fight to be equal and to make our own decisions for our lives if we still want to have our hands out waiting to be saved?

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Not Being Like Your Parents When Parenting

I gave the world two extra…

Holidays circa 2013.

Growing up, my father did everything he could to give my siblings and I a comfortable life.  He put aside his own wants to appease our wishes.  He worked, cooked, did all the shopping, school meetings, took us to practices…he did it all. 

In hindsight, he may have done too much.  Although, my siblings and I aren’t living overly lavish, we do have a sense of security knowing that our Father will not let us completely fall flat on our faces.  He is our crutch. 

In my early 20’s I spent money like it was water and anytime I got into a bind or needed extra cash, I called Daddy.  He has bought me several cars (even after I crashed one while being stupid and playing speeding racer on I95), he’s paid off a few of my bills, helped with some of my other expenses and then some. – Image him doing all this for THREE kids.  Don’t get misinformed, he didn’t do everything for me, there were some financial life lessons I had to learn on my own, but Daddy did pitch in more so than not. I am grateful that he was able to do all that he did, but I sometimes wonder if I would have learned to be more self-sufficient earlier on in life if he did not come to my rescue so much?

I’m the oldest of my siblings and those who have multiples can maybe agree that the first child receives or was handed more discipline growing up than your other children.  My father and I have had a few discussions about this anytime I see him being more lenient with my brother and sister, the conclusion is always, “Your first child is your example child.” (This may mean several things depending on how you parent.) And he even once said to me, “I want you to be better.” I give my Father a little break since my siblings are 1 year a part from one another and I am 5/6 years older than both, so when he only had to deal with one adolescent with me, he did his best dealing with two adolescent teens with them, but all of us were still a little too spoiled and we process the realities of life differently than most.  My Father coddled us and we took advantage of that and we began to expect it every time something was going badly in our lives. – A behavior I don’t want my kids to develop.

Yup, I’m somebody’s momma.

Today, my relationship with my Father is one of the best.  He is watching me elevate professionally, making better decisions in my personally, be a parent to my children, and on the flip side, I am seeing him settle into his own life and rediscovering his passions.  Yet, in true Daddy form, he is behaving the same way towards his grandchildren that he did with his own kids…Who lets a 9 year old dictate what’s for dinner or decides where the family vacation should be? – My Dad. (My son practically has his Pop-Pop wrapped around his fingers and let me not get started on how my daughter gets her way with him.)

With what I learned from my Father, my own experiences, and knowing what type of people I want my kids to be, I know I cannot be the same parent my Dad was for me and these are my reason why:

• I’m a woman: My instincts and my perceptions differ from a male’s point of view.  Although I don’t want to push my agenda on my kids, I want them to understand certain traditional gender roles, such as my son opening door for girls or walking on the outside of the street, and my daughter not chasing after boys (Ladies, we don’t chase the men, that is NOT OUR PLACE. – I also tell my daughter not to expect someone to take her somewhere that she cannot afford to go on her own.)

• I’m not quiet:  I’m not outrageously vocal or offensive, but I do speak my mind and I do want my kids to not only be vocal on what they believe in, I want them to understand why they are passionate about something.  I don’t want them to be sheep and accept everything they see or hear; I want them to do the research and process information effectively.

• I am parenting in today’s world: With each new generation, the environment differs from the last. Let’s not sugarcoat it, there are severe matters in this world that I cannot protect my kids from, but I have to be diligent in giving them the tools on how to appropriately react and behave towards anything that is against them.

• I’m not a helicopter parent: Unlike my Father, I am not really a “Soccer Mom”.  I’m proactive with their academics and very adamant about them doing well with their studies.  I let my kids make their own choices on what they want to do outside of school and they can come talk to me if there are issues.  I am not one of those parents who thinks my children are saints and can do no wrong. – I know my kids and yes, they can be assholes…they ARE being raised my me and I know how I can be. So, I may protect their choices in public, but in private, we have a sit down and talk about what should happen next time.

• I am not going to be their Emergency ATM: Again, unlike my Father, my kids are going to have an understanding of their own finances and how it will impact them if they go beyond their means.  I’m very brazen with this topic mainly because after I began to see how hard I had to work to support the life I want; I encourage my kids to understand that I’m not just going to hand out an “easy button” for them.  I give them trips, lunch/dinner dates, and shopping sprees at times, but anything they want on their own, there is work to be involved.

• Self-Care: I talk about this a lot and this is important for parents as well. Aside from being a parent, I am still an individual.  I still need to take care of myself and make sure my state of mind is in a good place so I can be a good mother.  Some parents may think Self-Care is selfish, but I require it and this is something my Father and I differ on.  He believes you just take on your responsibilities and keep going, whereas I believe I need to stop and take breaks every now and then.  My father also doesn’t believe in stress, anxiety, or depression, he just keeps doing what he has to do. I am not my Father in this regard.

Disney circa 2014.

No one can anticipate how you will be as a parent when your facing different scenarios. You just take from what you saw or didn’t see when you were being raise and do what You feel is best for your family. My father an I do not agree on the many ways I am bringing up my kids and I didn’t agree on some of the ways he has brought me up, but here we are and this is what I am doing. What we do agree on is that I love my kids, he loves his kids and his grandkids and we are both going to do what we believe is best for our families.

Depression

As more years go by, I am realizing how important mental health is. For some reason it is still a taboo topic and many people avoid addressing it or make it seem like mental health issues doesn’t exist. From personal experience…THEY DO EXSIST.

About 3/4 years ago I fell into a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to see people or go out, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed, but here was the thing…nothing was going wrong in my life. Work was great, family was great, friends were great, everything was GREAT. So what was wrong with me?!

For a long time, I was one of those people who didn’t believe in depression. I once believed that it was just an excuse people used to lay around all day and ignore phone calls…I was wrong. (Although, I do think people exhaust their conditions to avoid certain responsibilities.)

Yes, there is a neurological problem that causes your moods and energy levels to shift or be low, but you can still function through it. There is a self motivation element that one needs to have to overcome these challenges. You may have people to tell you to snap out of your funk or encourage you to be happy about what you have or what you achieved, but it doesn't change anything if you don't “feel like it". YOU have to want to pull yourself out of it. After being in denial and knowing I didn't want to continue to feel like this, I had to force myself to “get better" and to redirect my mind towards a more healthy routine.

For me it is “Seasonal Depression” when the weather changes with the hours of the day and it gets darker sooner, so around the winter months. I sometimes face it in the early spring as well, but it’s more prominent between August and January. I struggle to smile, to do things I normally do like fun things with the kids or catching up with friends. I even get very short with people at work and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I feel empty.

*Also, I should mention that when I do go through these bouts, I have to assess whether it is an imbalance or if there is something really bothering me that is affecting my mood and behavior. I can sometimes take on the feelings of others, their problems, their struggles, etc. and it dwells in my mind; things that do not directly effect me, but I still feel some sort of attachment to whatever someone I care about is going through. It’s called transference in psychology and it’s like a transfer of energy.

When I finally accepted my mental health issue, I vehemently decided NOT to take any prescription medications. I was discussing my state of mind with a colleague and she advised me on supplemental vitamins that she uses. I began to take the vitamins right away and noticed a MAJOR difference in my moods. (Consult with your doctor. Each supplement is hyperlink for further details. Brands vary.)

✔ Magnesium: Helps boost energy and fight depression

✔ ADB5 Plus: Helps adrenal functions and balancing hormones

✔ St. John's Forte: Helps with mild depression symptoms, stress, and anxiety.

Now, that it has been a few years, I don't always take all these together or even every day, however I do take them consistently when I feel like I’m sinking further and cannot seem to pull myself up on my own. I learned to pay close attention to my body and moods and sometimes I'll just take the magnesium depending on my imbalance. Other times I take nothing because I learned to divert my mind to something that keeps me proactive and productive.

I also became more active with writing down affirmations for myself.

Hey, life is a mess at times and we never know what to expect or how we’ll handle tough situations, but somehow, someway, we have to keep going.

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How To Trust

Okay, so let me start by saying: Some of your comments and emails in regards to my last post were ENTERTAINING! You all are crazy and I love it‼ And people who come on here just to see what I'm doing, I love you too!

Many of you asked if I’d ever share specific details about the man I am seeing and the initial answer is, No. I will only share to a certain limit because it’s not only my privacy, it is also his (Oh, but he has said for me to write about our….never mind, I can’t even bring myself to type out the words. How do I even begin to go into details about how he snatched me the first time and how he’s had his way with me every time thereafter….and this is not about to be a Zane novel. 👀)

Other questions you asked were about TRUST:

• “How do you know you can trust him?”

• “How do you allow yourself to trust someone after not being in a relationship for so long?”

• “Don’t you have doubts?”

There is no simple answer I can give, the only thing I can say with confidence is that I know what he is showing me and I know who I am and where I am at in life. 📣 I believe trust has more to do with yourself than the other person; Where are you in life? Are you in a good mental space to welcome someone in with open arms without any disdain, judgment, criticism or ridicule? Over the years, I’ve learned much of who I truly am and I’m comfortable with her. If ________ and I did not reconnect a few months ago, I’d still be living wonderfully. I am fully aware of my value and what I will and will not tolerate. Not to be conceited, but I’m a GREAT person. I’m good to people, I like people to enjoy themselves when they are around me, I work hard, I volunteer, I do the most for my kids, I support my loved ones, and I require time to myself. I am not going to stick around if I sense I am not being appreciated and I am definitely holding him accountable for his behaviors. Here are some examples:

1. One time I met him out, but he had to quickly run an errand right before I arrived. He sent me a text to let me know he had to do something would return as soon as possible (I didn’t see the text a first) and then he called to see if I got the message to make sure I knew what was going on. — As simple as this gesture may have been, it spoke volumes to me. It let me know that he didn’t want me to think that he bailed out or have me upset that he was not there when I arrived.

2. Another time we were out together, we were sitting beside each other and having a very personal conversation as if no one else was around us (there were plenty of people around us). — He'll do this often and tell me things to remind me that he's completely interested in me and how he loves that I'm able to be engulfed with who he is...Yet, in reality, who he is isn’t too far different than who I am. When you do and say things you’re not used to, but it doesn’t feel like it’s changing your core, then it’s because that’s always been part of your personality, it’s just been waiting to be awakened.

3. At least twice he has mentioned to me that if I am ever uncomfortable about something he is doing then he wants me to let him know and he will make adjustments. He wholeheartedly wants me to realize that at the end of the day, it’s just me and him, it’s us and if I say I’m now okay with something then he’ll make changes so that I am okay. — He doesn’t have to be so open with me about this, but he is and I love that.

4. He introduces me to everyone he knows, whether they are friends, associates, or colleagues. — I admire that he acknowledges me in a way that lets me know he actively wants me to be involved in his surroundings and environment.

5. I’m not sure how to explain this one, but sometimes it seems like we’re the same person; either that or he's really paying attention to what I'm saying and paying even more attention to what I'm not saying. — He'll make a comment and it will be exactly what I wanted to hear. Or I'll make a comment and he’ll give me a look with a nod of pure admiration.

   (Sometimes I feel like he comes on here from time to time. I don't mind if he does and if he is I like that he’s low-key taking time to learn about my thoughts and it's pretty clever of him to do. He'll mention something that will be reminiscent of my opinions or humor and I just think to myself, “Is he reading or is it the fact that we kind of do think a like? I won’t ask, I sort of like having that wonder. — I believe there should always be some type of intrigue of mystery between two people, not to be confused with damaging secrecy or lies. Don’t get yourself fcked up and lose a good thing.)

So if the main questions are: Do I trust him? — Yes, I do. Am I taking a big risk? — Well…YAH! Anytime you deal with matters of the heart, you are taking a risk, and with knowing a little of his history it can possibly be a growing experience for both of us and how we manage things. Do I have adverse thoughts in the back of my mind? — Of course I do, there is always that annoying voice that says “But what if he…?” I do not allow those thoughts to consume me and he is not giving me any reason to doubt what he feels about me. No, we can never be certain what someone is thinking, what they are doing when they are not around us, and if what they are telling us is the truth, but what we can be certain of is what we are willing to experience with someone. I'm not just here for the highs, I'm here for the lows too, that’s what we sign up for when we decide on relationships and like I said in my last post: I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen. So I am open to embarking on this direction with him.

Through people I know, I’ve watched relationships bloom and I've watched many fail. The ones that have been successful are the ones where both people are open to understanding one another, understanding each other’s passions, dreams, values, goals, strengths, dislikes, flaws, pet peeves, and being able to discuss any adversities without holding grudges. ________ and I are still in the beginning stages. We may not be new to each other, but we are learning new things about one another on a different level…it has been interesting.

I will admit a behavior I know I need to work on and that is pushing people away when I'm upset and not talking about what bothers me. I tend to internalize things. Sometimes when I get frustrated, there is a very aggressive side of me that I am not proud of and I resort to using demoralizing phrases with a condescending tone. I don't want to push him away, so I have to make sure I catch myself to keep from causing any unnecessary strain between us, especially since this is the first time in a very long time that I'm allowing someone to get this close to me. I’m sure he has his voids too and I’m sure we'll have our not so great moments, but if we want this, we'll work through any challenges that may face us.

I'll close out with this:

Love isn't just a four letter word that makes you feel warm, excited, happy, and wanted. Love is an action, a choice to act. Whether you are casually dating or in a committed union, it's what your partner does or doesn't do that affects your sentiments towards them.

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*But don't stop giving me L&A. I still love it even if I'm skeptical at times.

*Forgot to add Forehead Kisses and Playing in My Hair.

*Texting him, emailing him, calling him, it’s all the same…lol. I’m sorry kids, Auntie Ray is not your role model!

*Let's skip the children part. I’m not having anymore babies and my kids are not too far from being adults. Plus, I hated that feeling/pain when the milk came in, so many shirts have been ruined! I know all moms understand what I'm talking about. 😫

You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫

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Are Mothers Ruining Their Sons For Future Relationships?

Let’s dwell on this a little.

When he was 6 months old.

My youngest is a boy and I’m always doting on him. When he was a toddler, I would rub his back until he fell asleep. I’d go out of my way to get him the toys he wanted and anytime I am out of town, he requests that I come back baring gifts and I do. He is not really a picky eater, but he likes what he likes and if he asks me to make his favorite meal, I comply — his PopPop (my father) does the same for him. There is a particular dish he likes that I make and he won’t ask or allow anyone else to make it for him. I always tell my son how handsome he is, how smart he is and I hug on him all the time. I allow him to take over my bed or change the channel if I am watching a show…Am I doing too much?

About a year old.

My daughter who is a teenager got the same treatment when she was his age, but I am aware boys and girls mentally develop differently. Both kids have debit cards connected to my account and anytime they ask, I transfer money to them, we have family dinner or bunch dates and there are times when only my daughter and I head out to do things together, so don’t think my son is getting the upper-hand over my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to grant herself the life she wants and not to accept anything less than she deserves, so no Applebee’s dates for that young lady, she likes scenic patio dining. There is a difference in how you love each of your kids, but for a boy, am I teaching my son this is how a woman should treat him?

My father claims both my children are high-maintenance especially my son. (Yet, my dad doesn't like it when I remind him that he raised me and my siblings the same way. Even now, anytime I get sick, guess who I'm calling?)

Hold on though, I also teach my son to open doors for girls and compliment them. Every now and then he’s say to his sister, “You look beautiful.” and sometimes when getting in the car, he’ll open my door first before getting in himself, and he LOVES my sister (probably more than me), their relationship is very tight. All his teachers at school say how sweet and caring my son is, so I must be doing something right, Yes?

Once when my son was 2 years old, I was out of town and my sister sent me a picture of him playing on his piano with a picture of me propped up in front of him. — He missed me. My boy still acts the same way when I am gone and with how he has been growing, I am so proud of my little man…even though he’ll be taller than me in a few years, I’ll still pinch his cheeks and tickle behind his neck. You should see how he looks now, he’s passed my shoulders and can practically pick me up.

When he was about 18 months old.

I just feel like since he is still so young, that I need to cater to him the way that I do. He is very self sufficient for his age, but I want him to be comfortable and to feel loved…is this too much mom-ing? I don’t want him growing up and dating a girl and expecting her to do all these things I do for him (I’m going to have to teach his future wife how to make his favorite meals). His father used to make comments, “my mom did this, my mom did that, my mom, my mom…” and there were certain reasons why he said such things, but at times it was unnecessary. Yes, a woman has her place in the relationship, but so does a man.

It used to toil in my mind when men would ask, “Can you cook?” and I’m like, “Bitch, can YOU cook? Feeding yourself is a survival skill, not a gender role. And can you build a house? A dining room table? Can you put together a shelf? Do you know how to clean a bathroom? How about using a lawnmower? Do you know when trash day is in your neighborhood to put out the cans the evening before? Can you change a tire or the oil, do you even know how to check the fluids? Because I know how to all of that.” — So you see, I can spoil my son and still embed into him what he should also bring to a relationship. But I cannot be sure what type of man he will be until he reaches those stages in life.

Goodness, if he becomes like any of these men I know today….I am in so much trouble!

When Is It Actually Considered Dating?

Okay, so before you move in with your partner (reference here), Ladies and Gentleman, help me out here…

At what point when you are hanging out with someone do you identify it as “dating”?

So I am very much a “guys girl” meaning I can hang with the fellas and fit right in, but there is a difference in aura and body language when you are just enjoying time with a friend verses spending valuable time with a lover. (If you are new here, I use the term “Lover” a lot to describe a romantic interest. — I’m too old for boyfriends, you either want something serious with me or you don’t, let’s be on the same page about this, because we’ve got other things we could be doing.) When I’m out with friends, we may engage in conversation and I may buy us a few round of drinks, but it’s innocent and casual. With a Lover, there is more physical contact and closeness not just on his end, but also on my end. — If you don’t see me reciprocate his touch or return the affection, it’s because I’m not that into him, I’m not interested, we’re not together, or…drum rolls please…he is NOT my Lover; be observant.

Back to my question: When is the status of a relationship determined? Am I too old school in expecting the man to ask me…or tell me…”I want you to be my lady.” (and are you all too young to know the song, You’re my Lady by D’Angelo?)

Location: Houston Graffiti Building // Dress: JLuxLabel

If I’m going places with a Lover and we are just doing the basic things like getting food, asking about each other’s day, or making time to see one another…are we dating? Or are we just hanging out and that I shouldn’t think anything more of it because he could just be “hanging out” with several other women. Lissen…I have several guy friends who entertain multiple women, I don’t judge and I’m all for going with the flow, but I also like to know that my presence and time is significant to someone. I don’t know…this dating shit is for the birds. I hate it, that’s why I’ve been avoiding it for so long and I feel like at my age, the dating pool definitely has pee in it with all the men either too set in their ways, not wanting to commit, or just have no clue what they want (I’m at an age where these matters are more pronounced). Aye, I’m pretty reasonable, practical, and I know I have my flaws, but I also don’t want to be toyed with. I don’t have the fckn energy to deal with the bullshit. You’re either riding with me or you’re not and if we hit a pothole, let’s check for damages and continue on. — “Oh you and her used to smash? Are there still romantic feelings involved? No? Okay, let’s get something to eat.” It’s the same mood if a woman were to approach me and say, “I used to fck with him.” — Okay…what do you want me to do with that information, get mad? There’s over 7 billion people in this world, S-E-V-E-N / B-I-L-L-I-O-N, and I don’t keep myself stuck in a small box, so I’m going to stop knowing my value because of 1 person??? Been there, done that.

Look, I cannot and will not control what a man does. It is on him with what he chooses to do when I am not around. I believe this: If he wants me in his life then he will not make decisions or put himself in a position to lose me.

Also a few things to consider when you are getting to know a person:

• Do you have the same values? If not, can you be open to their point of views?

• Do you have good intentions for one another?

• Is your connection with each other genuine and natural (not forced)?

• Are you or the other person healed from the past? If not, can either of you deal with the other’s pain?

• Are you inspired or encouraged to be better by the person?

What is the difference between “I like you” and “I love you”?

When you like a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily. One who understands this, understands life.

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Do You Move Into Your Partner’s Place After Other Ex’s?

Call me crazy or too demanding, but I don’t like the residue of past relationships. I know many of you will not agree with me and that’s okay, but hear me out…

If I am dating a man and he had a previous woman living with him, then I am not going to be so eager to move into that same space. If it’s a rental, lets wait until the lease is up and get something together. If it’s a mortgage, let’s put that place up for lease and look at getting a home of our own. I am aware this may be asking too much and not everyone is able, but I want to start fresh with someone…and burning sage may not be enough. — If I kept my place back north, I would not feel comfortable inviting a man to stay with me when my ex previously called the same place home…there’s just too much residue. I want clean energy with someone.

You have memories with a person in a place you share together. And not all memories are bad memories so I’m not asking to forget everything, but when I leave people in the past, that’s usually where they stay…you’d have to do something amazing for me to reconsider — and I’m not easily impressed. (But I also believe…and learned…what’s done should remain done.)

Don’t you want to start fresh with a new beau?

Maybe I’m thinking too much into it…which I tend to do often. Maybe the one I end up with will welcome me into his home and make me feel like I’m the only one who was ever worth staying in it and let me paint and add shelves and fixtures, maybe some new appliances, there's a Samsung refrigerator I’ve been eyeing — Goodness, I hope that’s the case….but if not, he's coming over here with a weekend bag until we decide what the next step is. (P.S. — Don't expect to get a lot of closet room at my place, which is why we should think of getting a different home together so we a customize the His & Hers closet space….just a thought — go ahead and change my mind.)

Or we can continue to live separately and be a little unorthodox with our relationship, but still welcoming each other into our spaces anytime, like having a key to each home and still allowing each other to be comfortable and stay as long as we please. There is this “Keurig” style cocktail maker I want to order by Bartesian and we’ll just have to do rock, paper, scissors to see which house it’s going to sit at, and I’d still want to make a trip to Home Depot and add a few features. I'm not closed off to the living separately idea, but we’d really need to have a good understanding of our relationship and one another. — I do come a go a lot, it’d be nice to have someone I trust make sure my place is secure and address any issues while I'm away.

Are my standards too high? Am I being unrealistic about this? I know I think differently than some of you, but let me know if I sound crazy. Lord, please let whoever “The One” is have so much patience for me. I promise I’m worth it. 😔

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*Sorry about the vulgarness of this one. I don’t create any of these memes, I just laugh at them.

Message From Raya L.

Hello All,

I first want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have been with me from the start even before Instagram, Facebook, and even MySpace. — All of you still come here to read my topics. You all are so DOPE.

Over the years, I’ve received an abundance of emails from people telling me how my words helped them through certain times and how my “voice” was a jumping off point to begin a new journey. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Let’s clear up some things. As public as my website is and as much as I may share about my thoughts, I have boundaries that I do not cross when revealing myself or parts of my life. You’ve notice I don’t give too much details about my kids, right? And I never disclose any company I am in business with unless it is a collaborative agreement. Any photos you see are in public areas; never sharing my private residences. Lastly, if I am ever referring to someone, I never state their names. Just because I created a public platform, doesn’t mean everyone else around me signed up for it, meaning I have a respect for the privacy of others. Anytime I share my stories, it is from the prospective of me and although I poke fun of my poor decisions here and there, I make a point to also speak on how I overcame it. It’s no secret my family are major Eagles fans, I like to eat, take photos, have two children, a failed marriage and that I had to start my life over in my mid-20’s, but what is mainly kept secret is all the things my loved ones and I do when we are together and spending quality time.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Gandhi

What I share is only a glimpse into my life. I prefer it that way. You may see many people on public platforms who share every detail about their days, that will never be me for several reasons:

1. This is not my main source of income

2. I don’t want everyone in my business or involved in my life

3. I prefer privacy over popularity

As far as many of you inquiring about my love interest, that part of my life will definitely remain away from the public eye. If I am ever seen with someone, we may or may not be together; and the only people who will know is our family, friends, people who are actually around us, and whomever we decide to tell.

Again, I appreciate all of you for taking time to be here with me and as always, stay positive and be good to others.

Love,

Raya L.

Supporting Small

There are 30.2 million small businesses in this country, which comprise a whopping 99.9% of all United States businesses (fundera.com). Do you see that number??? 30.2 MILLION Small Businesses in the USA! When you hear about the United States being a land of opportunities, it wasn’t a lie…the hustle is REAL folks. The country has its flaws, but just like family members, you accept them as they are and cater your life according to your personal goals. Oh and by the way…BLACK LIVES MATTER. — There’s too many people I love for this movement not to be important to me.

Skirt - Hanifa Official

Since the Pandemic rolled into town, many doors have closed permanently or facing permanent closures. A business is not an in adamant entity, it’s a passion, it’s someone who put their efforts to bring something to a community. When you head into your local town, almost all of those business are owned and operated be people who live there. SUPPORT THEM.

If you can support major conglomerates like the NFL (me), big name designers (again me), or franchises (also guilty), then you can surely support a local business. Some businesses have a deeper purpose, for instance a coffee shop in the Houston Heights neighborhood in Texas called A 2nd Cup is an advocate to bringing awareness to human trafficking and developing efforts to save and help victims. This is something I wholeheartedly support, not only because it’s inhumane, but I am from a country where human trafficking is a major problem — there are evils in this world that is beyond imaginable and when western cultured men talk about their Asian fetishes, it gets uncomfortable…some of you men are completely oblivious to your own damaging behaviors. I know how I look and how I carry myself, it doesn’t give you privilege to be inappropriate to me, especially when you don’t really know me.

Any who, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Ripple effect.

Anytime a friend sends me information on a new business, I don’t make much hesitation to support in some way, whether it’s sharing the info to others or buying something from the business. It’s just THAT simple and makes a whole world of difference to the owners.

What to do between Birmingham & Tuscaloosa

A continued review from “A Journey In Tuscaloosa”…

Editor’s Note: This post has been updated due to closures and new openings.

So Alabama has sort of become my second home since last year….I know, of all the states in the U.S., ya girl ended up in Alabama, not LA, not the CHI, not MIA, not NYC, but Sweet Home ALABAMA! — I guess I should count my blessings though because I’m still not too far away from the family in Texas.

Let me start by saying, “Forget all the stereotypes you may have heard growing up and don’t think that 1 person represents all people.” — There may be parts of Alabama that is still very….ummmm….Confederate and Country, but other parts of it are a little more open. (And I hate to say this, but there is still the mindset that “women should not be working in business with men” and at times I’ve faced scrutiny over it. Although, this can happen anywhere, not just Alabama….Can’t I be a woman and not be harassed by “professional” men I work with?!)

Anyway, let me not bore you with business talk, let’s discuss all the things you can do and see between Birmingham and Tuscaloosa. — Yes, there are more cities in Alabama, but I’ve only explored the two, bare with me folks.

TUSCALOOSA - Tuscaloosa is what I like to consider a secluded city. Everything you need is there, but you’ve got to look for it or know people who know how to find it. Nonetheless, here’s what you can do besides watch the games.

For the Foodies - I’m getting impressed with what I’m finding here and there and all of you should know by now….I’m a pretty good eater.

• Burgers: Downtown Tuscaloosa has become a great hub for good eats. The common favorite is Avenue Pub. Next is a new small eatery called Jack Browns.

• There’s a new Jamaican restaurant called, Reggae Flava, on 4th street that you should consider dropping in on (UPDATE: No longer operating). A Mexican place called Jalepenos Downtown has great street tacos and margaritas. Several brunch places such as, Brick & Spoon (pretty good mimosas and by request, they made the Michelada drink I like), and 5 Bar (great coffee, just add a little Irish Cream if you really want to get your weekend started) are also downtown along with many other choices for food right within walking distance of one another. Check out Cravings when you’re here, it’s like a 1 and done stop shop for food, drinks, and snacks. For the evening, see about Depalma’s Italian Cafe, their stuffed mushrooms are amazing! A little further on the outskirts, River is a nice place for a quiet evening dinner, see Yancey for your drinks. And there is a new little ice cream shop called, Las Pinas, that makes the Mangonadas I’ve come to LOVE while living in Texas and I’m so happy that I can find it here too. If you want to try more different cultural flavors and a fan of Indian food, check out Sitar. There is so much more this town offers, just venture out and look or ask around.

Giphy

For the Relaxers - If you identify with the “Caterpillar” from Alice in Wonderland (my favorite character aside from the Mad Hatter and the Cheshire Cat), there are a few places you can relax at (hookah or cigars) to puff some smoke.

• (Update: No longer operating. The city is strict in these types of business, but there is a hookah bar outside of downtown). Big Daddy’s is the hot spot for hookah and is also a pit stop for Mediterranean food and an after hours slow down.

• There’s also a few “toned down” bars where you can enjoy a classic cocktail, my suggestion, Session . If you are the wine and cheese type, a brand new hot spot called The Wine Market is perfect to relax and enjoy some reds. Brown's Corner has come back to play and is located upstairs of Half Shells restaurant. So Cal is a another Mexican restaurant, but the newest feature is upstairs and is separate business from the restaurant called, The Cocktail Collection. The cool element about this place is the door into the bar is a retro soda vending machine that requires a code. Don’t worry they alway share the newest code on their instagram.

For the Party-Goers - Speaking of cocktails, there are PLENTY of bars around town to keep you entertained. I mean this IS a college town. Just go on Google and search “Bars near me” and I guarantee at least 10 will pull up. Choose whichever one is more your speed. Lounges and clubs are around, again, pick your preferred scene.

Shopping - Ummmm…go to Birmingham.

(I feel like the City of Tuscaloosa should have an online directory to let people know about places and events. — Hey Mr. Mayor! Call me, I won’t charge too much!)

BIRMINGHAM - Here’s little history, had certain forefathers decided differently about what to do with Birmingham, it would have been like Atlanta today. But, don’t dismiss what this city offers, the culinary scene is much to be discussed as with the nightlife.

For the Foodies - I’m still exploring the food scene in Birmingham, there is more than I expected in this city. You’ve got your full service restaurants, your coffee houses, pick up and go places, and many patio dining options.

• A few places I recommend are, McFly’s Bird Shoppe, Five Point House and Oyster Bar, Black Market Bar and Grill, Jim n Nick’s BBQ, Chez Fonfon, The Wine Loft, and Golden Age Wine.

For the Relaxers - Pick your poison. You can stop in at a lounge, bar, or restaurant early before it starts to get busy and just wind down with your thoughts.

For the Party-Goers - The hot spots are a little spread out, but not too far out. There are little groups of places that are within walking distance of each other depending on what side of town you’re in.

• So far I’ve been to 3000, Hush Lounge, Safe House, Urban Smoke, Collins Bar, Queenspark, and there is a rooftop lounge I can’t remember and another place I went to that I cannot recall the name of at this moment, I’m pretty sure I’ve been to more places. — I am a firm believer of FUN is what you make of it, so I always enjoy my time out no matter where it is.

Shopping - You’ve got The Summit and Riverchase Galleria (P.S. - Hey Riverchase, your website needs an upgrade). Both are filled with well known retailers and plenty of places to take a break and eat.

Between the two cities, it’s about a 50 minute drive depending on where you are going, so what you may not be able to find in one, you can find in the other. I think my next choice will be somewhere in the middle of the two areas to cut down on the trip to and from.

For more detailed reviews of where I’ve been, check out my GOOGLE pages.

Confidence Looks Good On You

Short Set - Leo’A The Label (Sweet Tooth Set)

Low self-esteem is not attractive. Yup, I said it. And there are different levels to low self-esteem. Anytime you make a choice that takes from your happiness, from your peace, or from your self-worth by telling yourself to believe that it will be the best decision when deep down you know something isn’t right, you are displaying a lack of confidence in yourself and with how you think of yourself…and it shows. Before you think I am attacking anyone, let me remind you of my own examples:

1. Did you read about when I Ghosted My Skeleton? - Yeah, that was a form of low self esteem because I did not know my own value to know that who I was involved was not the best for me.

2. The relationship with the father of my children. - I stayed longer than I should have because I felt that there was nothing better for me. I conditioned my mind to thinking that I had to stay with him, to fix our relationship, to forgive and forget, to accept his ways, to give my kids a life with both parents, to fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for. And if you know me now, then you know how WRONG I WAS.

I’ve learned. As far as my relationships with my friends, my boundaries are catered to each individual and how I know them. If any friendship gets to a point where it’s one sided, I digress from it. If I am losing confidence in a friend then I am losing confidence in our relationship and I can no longer enjoy it. It’s best for my mental health to let go (this also is the case for romantic relationships)

Being confident isn’t being arrogant or big-headed, it’s knowing your value and creating boundaries or standards to protect that value.

When you get into a situation where you find yourself changing, not for the better, it’s because you allowed something or someone to cross your personal value lines. It happens to all of us, we try to adjust ourselves to someone's low confidence or little pride — but let’s make it known that insecurity is usually partnered with other concerns such as unwillingness to understand, lack of experience, personal issues within ourselves. Insecurity is a weakness I detest, especially within women who find themselves in relationships they keep questioning or gets uncomfortable when another woman walks in the room — and the thing is, insecurities have to be resolved within the person themselves. It’s one of those things that you have evolve from. (Ladies, if you've not read my message at the bottom of “Extra Income”, I suggest you hop over there really quick and take a look.)

I’m not breaking down any woman, but if we’re being honest here, men seem to get more scrutiny about not being ready to be committed, but WOMEN too have their own flaws with figuring out what they want in relationships. Sometimes people are so scared to be alone that they allow their desperation to decide on their partners and willing to accept less than they deserve.

If you’re uncomfortable with me showing my legs, then you’ve never partied with me. I dress according to the environment I’m going to be in.

We ALL have our insecurities…yes, we do…whether it’s our looks, our financial status, our family dynamics, past traumas that still affect us, decisions we made in private that we don’t want others to know about, whatever it is, we all have something that we are not truly proud of. But we cannot let our insecurities hinder us from being the best version of ourselves, treat people good, and find serenity within our surroundings.

I think the equation for confidence is not only knowing your worth but, also not taking yourself too seriously and becoming offended anytime you feel someone is challenging you (I make jokes about myself all the time.) And comparing yourself to someone is the worst. When you look at someone and you automatically get feelings of insecurity or jealousy by instantly making criticisms about the person, that shows your lack of confidence…and need I say, poor character.

You ever walk into a place and you notice someone who everyone seems to have their attention towards them? The person is laughing, lively, and engaging with everyone. — That’s called confidence. — It doesn’t mean that is person is perfect or that their life is perfect, it just means that this person wants to enjoy themselves and likes for other to enjoy themselves too…it’s the energy that is exuded from confidence, an energy that not everyone possesses. It’s the same when a confident person walks into a room and you feel a shift in energy as if the room got brighter and everyone is a bit more alive.

I cannot really explain it, you either have confidence or you don’t, but it shows either way. It’s not how you look, how you dress, or how much money you have. It’s the way you speak, the way you treat others, the way you carry yourself — it’s a mindset. Remember in my post about My Preference is regards to men? That is a type of confidence I expect for a man I’m involved with to have, not flaky, not unsure, CONFIDENT in who he is and CONFIDENT in me…I can’t have a chump by my side.

You don’t have to be the best person, you just have to appreciate who you are, be comfortable in your skin and not accept others to mishandle you.

MOOD: When you missed the chance, don’t expect another.

The Prenup

What do you feel about prenuptial agreements? Do you feel someone loves you less or does not have faith in your relationship if a prenup is presented?

Here is my take on it:

I agree with prenuptial agreements. I do not feel it deals with matters of the heart, but more of matters of security. If you have built something on your own, you did the research, you put in the hours, you threw up the capital for it, then how would you feel if you’ve gotten into a married that is ending and the judge says you owe HALF of what you earned to someone else?

• I am not referring to something you created or developed while you were married, I am talking about something YOU planned and executed before getting married.

Prenuptial agreements can be a simple as writing out what is shared or protected during a divorce. The documents can be very detailed in explaining specific ‘Do’s & Don’ts’: infidelities, children, new businesses, already established businesses, obtained properties, stipends, living costs, etc. It may sound like a business proposition because a marriage IS a type of business, it’s a PARTNERSHIP. — There was a time when girls were only bred for marriage in exchange for some type of payment to her family, such as farm land.

• I’ve seen agreements be as specific as outlining if a wife delivers a son during the marriage, she will get an added 20K a year until the son turns 18 if they get a divorce before then. Another one stated that if the husbands commits infidelity, the wife can earn additional monies if they get divorced. (I would definitely want an infidelity clause included to address any children born outside of my marriage or transmitted diseases. — Bitch, you get nothing from me if you have babies elsewhere or give me a disease and if you are a well to do man, then in YOUR prenup, there should be an appendix that details some sort of accommodation for my pain and embarrassment.)

I do not believe it has anything to do with how much you love a person. I fully believe is has more to do with protecting your assets and both people have a say on what goes into the agreement. You can request an amendment to better benefit you if there is something you feel is unfair, of course all this will have to go through lawyers, but if you want something done, do it right and be thorough especially with things like this. Prenuptial agreements are best discussed with two people are “Happily in Love” because the details may be more generous as opposed to being in divorce court and you hating the way your ex-partner breathes.

My whole outlook on it is, If you weren’t shooting with me at the gym, why am I going to hand over the reward from all the training and hard work I put in just because we don’t want to be with each other anymore? — I’m not saying what’s mine is ONLY mine, I’ll share will you, but I am drawing a line with what you get from me if we decide to go our separate ways.

And think about this: If you are choosing to be with someone whom has not already created their own stability, then that person is going to look to you to provide that for them.

But one thing I know for sure, if I get married again it will be my last. Even if I’m fed up with him I'll still fix his plate, “You want potatoes or not, jackass?!”

PLUS, My Daddy says:

If he can’t take care of you as good as you take care of yourself, don’t waste your time and don’t start matching your first name with his last name.

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Degrees & Certifications

I was raised with the mindset that if you want to excel in your career, then you have to learn how to do it best, which meant getting degrees and/or certifications in various fields of study This is not to put down anyone who has made a comfortable living though grit and grind….I just wasn’t bred for that. This is to give you ideas on where to start if you want to advance through formal education.

Here are my picks for ONLINE Education to learn tools that can elevate your focus. — I elected to mention online courses for several reasons:

1. We’re still facing a pandemic and online learning is your safest bet. Hybrid courses may also be available for those who still want in-person human interaction.

2. Many of us work full time or have our own families and need a schedule that caters to what we already have in place.

3. I don’t know about you, but I'm at an age where I can't really deal with young college student shenanigans…it’s to no fault of their own, they are just beginning while most of Us are continuing. — Did you catch that?

   • For students entering their very first degree, even though you can earn your bachelors 100% online through many colleges, I still highly encourage on-campus learning. Although I know this is not the best time to do that, schools are still opening up to allow students to be present. Just be careful and follow the safety guidelines.

The top fields I suggest looking into is Medical, Finance and Tech. Several people in my family and in my close knit circles are doctors, they always give me insight on healthy practices and we’ll always need doctors. Finance is self explanatory, we all handle money and having someone to teach us or help us manage it is a plus. Lastly, I am more of a tech person (website management, digital design, creating online training modules and templates, etc)…thank my Father for that.

Each of these fields have their own subcategories of expertise, but don’t be limited to my suggestions, look into what interests you.

I chose these schools due to rating by region and average cost. (Since I now live south with imprints of the north, you may see that many of the schools reflect where I live or lived. I also looked into each of these schools for my own career and business developments.) — But there are MANY options for online education if none these schools below tickle your fancy.

Harvard Online (Only Offering Development Courses)

• Price Per Course: Free - $3000

Penn State World Campus (Various Programs Available)

• Undergrad Degrees & Certifications: $576 - $ 617 per credit

• Graduate Degrees & Certifications: $925 - $1235 per credit

Baylor Online (Mainly Business, Education, and Medical degrees. Also offers Doctorates in Medical Fields)

• Graduate and Doctorates: $1086 - $1785 per credit

Rice Online (Only 2 Degree Programs Currently Offered)

• Master’s of Computer Science and MBA: $2035 per credit

• Certifications & Professional Development: Free - $500 per course

Texas A&M Distance Education (Various Programs Offered for Graduates and Doctorates)

• Undergrad, Graduate, Doctorate, and Certifications: $40 - $550 per credit/course/program (Sorry, the Texas A&M website was not great with helping users navigate to find the costs for each item.) — Any Faculty reading this, please make this more user friendly.

University of Houston Downtown (Various Programs Offered)

• Undergrad & Graduate: $335 - $700 Per Credit

Alabama by Distance (Various Programs Offered)

• Undergrad: $375 per credit

• Graduate: $420 per credit

• Non-Credit Online Courses: $375 per hour

• *PARENTS: UA offers “Early College” programs for High School Students to start earning college credits. $375 per credit

  • When I was in High School, my AP classes allowed me to earn college credit. Each College has different AP Policies. I believe more universities may adapt these high school programs, it’s innovative, it helps students better prepare for college, it can save costs, and it aids in early graduation.

LSU Online (Various Programs Offered)

• Undergrad: $291 per credit

• Graduate: $481 - $1110 per credit

• Certifications & Professional Development: $175 - $5075 per course/program

For those who may be members of the “Brok Phi Brok” Fraternity/Sorority, there is always financial aid and other payments options outside of federal funding that can help. Don’t let money issues hinder you or excuse you from excelling. Yes, there are always concerns and jokes circling around college debt, but no one ever highlights the grace period and different options for repayment that fits just about anyone’s budget.

*If you found any of this information helpful, please share with others using the “SHARE” button below.

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Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

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The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

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Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

I Ghosted My Skeleton...Twice

I get a lot of praise for being a strong woman, for being confident, fearless and having no man problems - “got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one” - Thanks Jay, but it wasn’t always this way. I too have done foolish things for a man I thought I loved. We all have skeletons in our closet, I have just one and I ghosted him many years ago.

Dress: Toxic Envy

Ghosting is a fairly new term the kids are using these days to describe an action when someone stops all communication with you without notice or warning. So when I “ghosted” my skeleton, it was just considered “disappearing” out of his life.

I was in high school. I was young, naive and thought I had my whole life figured out. (Like many high schoolers, huh?) I met a man who was several years older than me, an athlete (played overseas), he was gorgeous, tall, smooth, beautiful hair, great smile, amazing lips…everything shallow that I loved. We began hanging out all the time, I became infatuated with him. I wanted to be around him every moment of every day, but I still had school and work.

It quickly became toxic. Anytime he called, I went running. I missed so many days of school for him that I almost failed a grade due to my absences. I cancelled outings with my friends and I made excuses to not be available for anyone else other than him. When I didn’t hear from him, my mental anguish became physical in the sense that I wouldn’t eat, I’d stay in bed all day, I’d be moody, and I wouldn’t talk to anyone. He was my drug. I would have done almost doing anything for this man, I even slightly supported him financially. When I couldn’t come through on a request he had of me, he would get angry and make me feel guilty for not caring about him enough and I actually began believing that I really wasn’t doing enough, my self-esteem was bruised.

He was very needy…and I wanted to be needed by him. If he was upset, I had to find a way to make him smile. If he was in a good mood, I had to find a way to make it last. [Later in life I realized he is one of those people who resented not being granted certain opportunities that he felt he deserved in life, but not admitting that his own behaviors and decisions held him back.] He would compliment me when he wanted something and he’d make promises to coax me, but rarely came through with those promises. He was in and out of my life for at least 2 years. And the behaviors were always the same. He didn’t once think about all the efforts I made to adjust to him.

THIS WAS ALL WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Sweatshirt: Backseat Love | Skirt: Fendi

I was mentally drained. I was emotionally depleted. I hated feeling like someone had complete control over me. I felt empty…all the time. Finally, one time he called while out of town and needed me to wire him money to get a ticket back home along with a phone card (telling my age here), I said “Okay, I’ll get it done.” then the call ended. I didn’t wire him any money and I didn’t get him a phone card. It was the last time I spoke to him. It took me months to get him out of my system. I still thought of him daily — “What if I just call once to check up on him?” “Maybe I can just talk to him without anything more.” — I forced myself to go out and enjoy missed time with my friends and I prepared myself for college.

I went on with my life, met the future father of my children the summer before my freshman year and didn’t think of that man again…until my divorce.

Yup, through a mutual acquaintance he heard I was newly unattached and found a way to reach me. We chatted and caught up over the years that passed. The itch for him started to come back. I foolishly looked over our past issues and eagerly allowed him back into my life thinking things would be different….and it was for the first few months. He was still gorgeous, the same as I remembered him looking. — The years weren’t bad to him. It wasn’t too long after that it became reminiscent of my high school years. This time, I was practically supporting his entire life, but also this time I now had two children to support. I don’t know how I did it, but I found a way to appease everyone. For some reason he still had that same hold on me, even after all these years. The father of my children didn’t have that power over me. What I felt for this man was different. It was unhealthy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him to be happy and to be happy with me. This time it didn’t last for 2 years, not even a full year.

I was sitting by myself thinking of different ways to cheer him up because he had been feeling down due to not being able to find stable work. — Then I began to think beyond him. I thought about all the money I spent on him that I could have placed into my savings. I thought about the house I was going to purchase BY MYSELF for US to live in together. I thought about what type of father figure he would be for my own children. And then I thought about what type of relationship could I really have with this man since he was so used to me catering to his every need not just emotionally, but also financially. I didn’t know who I was becoming. I was supposed to be restarting my life after my divorce, not reopening an old wound. How did this man have such a choke-hold on my soul? The only benefit to him was that he was beautiful. NOTHING ELSE. Was I that vain???? It’s like he was a trophy, but not really a reward.

Dress: Urban Outfitters

After thinking about all of this, my conversations with him became different. I started to slowly step away. He notice. At first he was concerned, then it turned into battle and placing blame on me for not being “supportive”. The very last conversation I had with him was when I had just got off a flight, I was extremely tired and driving home. He called demanding me to do something for him immediately, telling me that it would be very simple and that I could sleep after I was done….I WAS PISSED. I yelled at him and told him that he was being inconsiderate and that I was not going to do anything for him anymore. Then he had the audacity to spit out the words, “I need you to take care of everything right now.” That was it for me. I was done. I hung up, blocked him from all forms of contact, went home and got some sleep. Never spoke to him again. — If he wasn't such a disappointment….or if I was really so moronic, he would have probably got some sons out of me….then again, my ex got a son out of me and he…never mind.

You see, I’ve done stupid things. And I always joke that I have lived many lives before today, which isn’t entirely false since most of my friends only know about my ex-husband. Well, surprise! I was once a dumbass too! I’m so grateful I was still young enough to recover from it and caught myself before I dug too deep of a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I want to conclude with this: As strong as some people may be, they also get tired, they also need a break, they also need a helping hand. The problem with strong people is that they don’t make excuses, they don’t allow their weaknesses to hinder them, they exceed expectations and people always hold them to that standard not considering their human need for mental rest. Disconnecting is healthy and it’s not encouraged or applauded enough. — Let this sink in.

• There was one time I needed a break from everything, it was granted to me, but during my break I was still thrown tasks to get completed and the reason was “I don’t trust anyone else to do it but you, Raya.” ….which translated to me that I will never truly get a break.

Extra Income

• Keep studying.

• Keep researching.

• Keep learning.

• Keep growing.

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As promised in my recent post about stocks (HERE), I am going to give some information on other ways to make extra income. — And this is not me telling you to do something without experience, all of these options are checked off on my list and then some. I enjoy doing it. — Plus, I refuse to outgrow or become too good for certain frivolous habits, so I need a little more play money….my people know how I am.

(NOTE: This list is the bare essentials of information, to put action to any of these items, you will need to put in the effort to research further and do the work.)

With most of these avenues, you barley have to leave your house. So you can be anywhere in the world and still make money daily…which is why I'm rarely far from my laptop and if I’m looking at my phone too often, it’s mainly because I set up a way to manage my extra income in the palm of my hand.

Plus, if you do your due diligence, all of these options are PANDEMIC PROOF!

1 - Sell your skills/knowledge - Utilize what you know, package it up, develop an audience and sell (this is one of the big money makers).

• What do you know how to do? If you are highly educated on a topic say for example, real estate, you can create a course that teaches people how to market, promote, and sell homes. You can also have a subscription membership where only paid members get the extensive insider details about real estate. Another example, if you have spent years in the corporate industry and have developed tools to help companies become more efficient, effective and more profitable, SELL WHAT YOU KNOW. Put together a package on what you can do in a specific field, organize it in a way that someone who is entry-level will be able to understand it. Then create advanced or follow-up lessons or courses.

  • It’s the same concept if you want to sell a service. In early 2019 I opened a photo studio. I had tiered prices for different options. I used a scheduling program to manage appointments and payments online. I even rented out my studio space to other photographers and to people who wanted to use my setups for their own needs. Towards the end of the year I was in the midst of looking for a larger space before the pandemic happened, so I decided it was best to put that task on pause for now (which has worked out in my favor by allowing me to focus more on other ventures.)

• To promote yourself, link with other people in your field and BRAG about what you can do and keep bragging about it. Create social media ads/flyers about your skills and knowledge, and engage with people. Building your network goes hand in hand with building your audience which can turn into clients.

2 - Monetize your website - Use tools like Adsense, Google Analytics, and Amazon features to make money when people visit your site. These features take a little IT knowledge and some thorough research. I began developing websites in the early 2000’s, so I know some basics about HTML coding and where to find the header/footer sections to paste tracking codes. (These days I use a unified platform host for my website that has all the features I need….no more extensive coding.)

• Adsense is a feature developed by Google that create ads on your website and anytime someone clicks on an ad, you earn money. You can even get paid for the amount of clicks your website gets.

  • With the right ads and the right target audience you can make anywhere from a few hundred dollars a month to several thousands of dollars a month.

  • Free eBook: Turn Your Computer into a Money Machine

  • Free eBook: Google Adsense - Everything You Need to Know

  • Free eBook: Adsense Secrets

• Amazon Ads are like Adsense Ads, they populate on your website and when someone clicks on the ad, you earn money.

  • Neither Adsense or Amazon shares the person’s information with you if they click on an ad.

  • Free eBook: Amazon Ads Unleashed

• Google Analytics is something I am still learning. This is great for active marketers, it gives you reports on how well your website performs and what people are looking at the most. (It gives you more comprehensive data than this, but I am still figuring out how to use this information to my benefit.) The whole purpose is you want more traffic to your website which will increase the potential of people clicking on Ads or Links that get you paid. So, if you can create popular content, you can achieve this goal.

  • Free eBook: SEO 2020

3 - Referral Links - Take advantage of special links that pay you a commission when someone signs up or purchases through your link

• Referral Links can be use to send to people or published on your website or a social media post. Just like the ads, when someone clicks on the link and either signs up or purchases (depending in the link destination) you earn money.

• I use this feature A LOT. Many times when you see a word or phrase on my site that is hyperlinked, it most likely leads to a page that gives me commission.

  • Again, just like the ads, these tools do not share anyone’s information with you if they signup or purchase through your link.

4 - eCommerce - Create a store and sell online. With so many user friendly eCommerce apps, there are many ways to sell almost anything you want online (this can be a big money maker too). You can sell on platforms as big as Amazon or more designate engines like Poshmark or Etsy.

• We are a CONSUMER economy, which means we buy things…ALL THE TIME. Creating an online store can really help you rake in the dollars. Just like with selling your skills/knowledge above, you have to develop an audience. — What are you selling? Who are you selling to? How can you get their attention? How can you keep their attention so they come back to buy more?

• You also what to make a profit, so I suggest making a spreadsheet of all your costs: inventory, packing supplies, marketing items/tools, any learning resources you had to purchase to advance your knowledge, and LABOR…YES, pay yourself too! Once you get that number, calculate what your selling prices should be.

For instance, I have a Vintage and Preloved shop on Mercari. It started out as a way for me to clean out my over-packed closets, but now it has turned into a very lucrative mini business where I sell vintage/preloved items from other sources and I even partner up with different small businesses and vendors to showcase their products as well.

Mercari is a very simple setup (you may have seen their commercials recently). But, I don’t just take photos of things, stick a price tag on it, and list it. No. Not only do I detail each item a best as possible, I also created a marketing and customer service/engagement plan. I made business cards, thank you notes, and discount flyers to place with each item that’s sold. I also curate collection of pieces and styles. Right now the most popular features in my shop is the “His to Hers” Collection where I re purpose mens shirts into women's fashion. (See images)

Aside from my Mercari shop, I have another store embedded into my website. With both, I am able to manage everything online. I even have a small team to assist with packing and shipping orders.

….Yah, ya girl here stays occupied.

SIDE NOTE: You know what I would like to see? “Adult Ice Cream Trucks” but instead of ice cream, it’s cocktails…well, I suppose you can do infused ice cream too. Just drive through neighborhoods playing Gin & Juice on the speakers and watch all the eager adults line up. Someone get the licensing together on that, I’ll be an investor.

5 - Rakuten - There is nothing you need to research or develop with this option. This is for anyone who shops, especially online (me). This service used to be called “Ebates” and it give you cash back when you shop at one of their participating retailers. Because I shop online A LOT, I have a Rakuten Extension next to my search bar in Chrome and it will flicker or a message will popup if I am shopping where I can earn money back through their link. (You may earn a small percentage, but trust me, it adds up when you spend too much!)

Lastly…

6 - Rental Properties - If you have some capital to invest or buy proprieties, I HIGHLY suggest this option and starting out, there is going to be a lot of paperwork and knowledge you will have to consume. Brace yourselves.

• Before buying, research the area, taxes, HOA, schools, demographics, etc. Speak to the realtors often so they are fully aware of what you are looking for and the proposed plan for the property.

  • You also want to know about city ordinances and regulations about placing a property for rental. (Business licensing, Fire Marshall Inspections, Lease Length Protocols, etc.)

• If you have the resources, elect purchasing foreclosed properties. You’ll buy at a lower cost and gain much turnaround in capital….and mentally prepare for renovations.

• If your are purchasing outside of your residential city or state, opted for a local management service or someone you trust who lives in the area to help oversee the place for you. They can aide in any issues your tenants may have.

[I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that you may need to pay taxes on any extra income; reference 1099 Tax Form. — Two things we’re not immune to is death and taxes.]

Don’t limit yourself when you are capable of so much more.

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Men, this next part is for the women, but you can stick around and learn something.

Somebody’s Momma

Somebody’s “The One Who Got Away”

Ladies, let me tell you something….

You are the REASON of life. You are CREATIVITY. You are CHAOS and PEACE at the same time. You LOVE harder than any man can understand. You SACRIFICE more than the world will ever know. Warriors have SLAIN for us. We have birthed KINGDOMS. We sit on a desired THRONE. Do not accept anyone who does not value ALL of you.

Now, I’m not one to hop in and out of relationships or have a concern about being single for the rest of my life, but if you are actively seeking one, stick to your standards….And good luck, I hear the Lord is running out of husbands, so it's slim pickings out there. 😄 (My potential future husband is probably out here being a dumbass and running around with all the wrong women.)

And remember:

“If you’re a rider for him, make sure he is one for you too.”

Don’t create excuses on why he can't love you adequately…If you cannot value all of me, then you don’t deserve the most personal parts of me.

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To all you graduating teens and 20 somethings, life is just beginning, have your fun, make lasting friendships, make mistakes, but keep your focus. There are so many things now that can distract you from achieving the best version of you. Everyone wants to party, be seen and look their best all for the attention. Stay keen on those around you and trust your instincts. Be mindful, fast money and fast men are just that, FAST…they come and they go. If a man is for you, he’ll show you. In the meantime, protect your peace, Sweetheart.

P.S. - I flex better than some of you men.

This year isn’t over yet. There is still so much you can do to at least give 2020 three stars.

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