Be Happy

“Do what makes you happy. Live your life.”

I'm sure we always hear people say, "Just do what makes you happy." And that's a positive statement, right? But what about the other side of this. What if what you do that makes you happy is making someone else unhappy? What if you want to stop seeing someone because you've decided that you're not happy in the relationship anymore but, the person still wants to work things out? Do you still do what make YOU happy?

Or how about this, what if I have a guy friend who I like hanging out with but, he has a girlfriend and the girlfriend gets insecure when he hangs out with me but, he likes to spend time with me too. Who do we keep happy in this scenario? If it's making us happy to hang out, do we keep doing it? Or in order to keep his girlfriend happy, does he stop hanging out with me?

Is there a limit to what you do to be happy?

Like I told you guys I want a companion and not a partner, so when my companion steps out, I'm not thinking about what he's doing because having that type of mindset doesn't keep me happy. My emotions are involved but, I can't dictate what someone does. When we're together and if we’re out somewhere and he's attentive to me and not giving special attention to another woman, why should I be concerned with what he's doing when he's not with me? Baby, have fun, I'll talk to you later.

I also told you previously, some of my friends have changed my perspective on relationships and how differently they can work. And all of them have told me, if a man can't handle who I am, then he doesn't deserve to have me. And they also tell me, "Raya, you are the catch. Don't let anyone treat you like you're not." Some of them are so transparent, that they've even said (I’m cleaning up the language a bit, but in one way or another they have said this to me), "If a man has you, he's got the top tier, and anyone else he may be communicating with is just for fun or for ego because no one can match you, be happy about that." - Now, I don’t always know how to take that, but I know with them, it’s coming from a good place. You all can take that statement how you want to, I've got a special group of friends who don't hold back with telling me things. And I don’t know if they really think that about me or if they're just being nice. 😐😩😁 I've seen them get into a lot of crazy things over the years, but I've come to understand that what they do away from home or from their partners/companions is a form of happiness that keeps them balanced, but I know not everyone will see it that way.

So with doing things that make you happy, how much should you consider someone else’s happiness in relation to your own?

And with the companionship I want, it would make me happy to be able to have time away from each other because I want to be able to miss you. But what if the person wants to see me all the time because that's what makes him happy. Should I compromise what makes me happy to please him? And it also makes me happy to step out to grab something to eat or drink by myself, but what if that bothers someone else? Or what if it bothers him that I have a lot of guys friends who I keep in touch with often? I don't want to be stressed because I'm doing things that make me happy, but in the same regard, it's also making someone else unhappy.

And remember when I said, I don’t want to live with a companion? What if someone wants the opposite? My space makes me happy. My me time makes me happy, and sometimes that “Me Time” looks like going to see my friends, it’s still me ME TIME. With what I want and with what keeps me happy and thriving, I should have that, shouldn't it? I’m not going to sleep with other people and if you live near by, we can have some sort of signal or code phrase to let you know I want your attention or your company. Is this a weird concept? I feel like most men would be bothered by some of these things because I don’t want that traditional relationship.

I guess there's a catch 22 with not being selfish, but still making decisions that keep you happy. And maybe making those decisions will having people thinking everything is about you. How is that fair if you're telling someone, “Do what makes you happy.” 🤔

I can't have what I want? Because I don’t know how clearer I can make it, let me use this metaphor:

I am not still building the garden of my life where someone can still come and plan the layout with me. My garden is done, the seeds have been planted, and now I am just watering and grooming my flowers, but I wouldn’t mind for someone to sit in the garden with me, see how happy it makes me and maybe take initiative here and there to help keep my garden beautiful.

Or let me try another metaphor because that one may have been too much:

I already have my home and all I am doing now is maintaining it, but I am open to having a frequent visitor who makes me laugh, keeps me company, engages with what I talk about even if it’s silly, and sometimes we go places together. Is this too tall of an ask?

So again, where is the limit to your happiness?

I’m happy, I’m doing things I please, being around people who make me smile, and sometimes doing or saying things that amuse myself. Like, one of my friends, I mess with him every now and then and send him suggestive messages or even thirst trap photos, not naked photos or anything like that, but just photos that I don't show everyone or post on social media, like I’m not trying to be an IG model. I’m not one of those women whom are showing half bare ass online for attention or recognition. My FB is private and I only connect with family and old friends on there. I’ve even transitioned my Instagram to more professional content to align with a goal I have and even that is private. I think the only platform that I have all the way public is this one and even then, there’s a line I don’t cross. But anyway, this guy he knows I’m being funny so he doesn't take it any of that seriously, so in the process of all that, I'm making myself laugh.

But that's what I’m saying, there’s so many little and big things that make me happy. So at any point, should I feel bad for doing things that make me happy?

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

The Partner Prayer

“The Universe always knows what it's doing even when we don’t.”

So I've been getting into deep topics with you guys lately. Let keep in this vibe a little longer. So amongst some women, they've been talking about a "Partner Prayer" that is supposed to bless them with a good man. Where God is going to hear what they want an need and send them a man who will make their lives full and abundant.

Now I don't you if you all pray or are devoutly religious, but I don't believe in that "Partner Prayer". Let me tell you why, if praying for someone it's not going to be praying for someone to love me, rather I'm praying for someone's peace and happiness because when I pray for my friends and loved ones, that's what I pray for because that's what I'll be praying for myself too. One of the friends who I caught up with the other day,I let him know I think about him and his family a lot because they're still healing from something and I pray for them alot. Another friend's mom had a major loss in her life and I think about her a lot too and their family is in my prayers. The thing about pain is that it never goes away, we to learn to cope with it better. So why would I pray for a man to love me fully if there's so many other people I can be praying for to help heal their hearts, I want God to hear those prayers.

I'm not going to pray for a companion, I am going to pray for my love to be abundant. I'm praying for patience, for strength, for understanding, for empathy, for better days. I pray that I stand firm in my values. I pray that I can let go of what's hurting me. I pray that pain doesn't taint me. I'm praying for the goodness to be vibrant in me even after I'm disappointed. I'm praying to accept people's love and affection for me even when it doesn't seem like a lot, but to just accept that maybe that's all they can give. I'm not praying for God to bring me a man. And I don't know any of you ladies who do pray for that, I just won't do it.

Remember when I said to start telling yourself: "I CANNOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME."

I can't miss out on men who don't see me for me and want to see me for what they want me to be like. And I don’t like anyone pushing into a relationship that I don’t find conducive to my happiness and well-being. If I want to be involved with someone, that is my choice along with his, not because of what others think may be good for me. So you guys can pray for whatever you want to, but I am going to pray growth within myself and love for those who I care about.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

“I feel loved and blessed. I pray for others to feel loved and be blessed too.”

No New Friends/Problems

“We're too adult for the love games, do what makes your heart beat an extra beat.

And when that extra beat stops beating, carry on.”

I caught up with a dear friend the other day who I haven't hung out with in about a year. We talked about a few serious topics, including some details about my personal life and details about his personal life. Through a few of my friends over the years, I learned a lot about how different relationships can work and that there's never really been anything traditional after you meet someone and start being involved with them. Even marriages have different ways of managing.

Just like in the last post, I talked about not wanting partnership, but companionship instead. Because with what I do and don't want to do, I'm only going to go but so far with a relationship no matter what we say to each other.

Think of it like this, say I'm married but my marriage isn't a traditional one and my husband and I don't live together and we're still married for undisclosed reasons. But I do meet people. If I get involved with someone, there's only but so much I can invest into that person because on paper I'm still legally tied to someone else. So even though I may love this man who isn't my husband and he may love me, there’s nothing I can offer him other than companionship UNLESS I decide to go through a divorce which can be a long and expensive process.

See sometimes people don't know all the elements of divorce proceedings especially when there’s many years and assets involved or you're making more money now then when you first got married so you have to go through all your finances and you may have to give up a big portion of your portfolio to end your divorce. It can be a stressful ordeal.

So no I'm not married, but there's a part of me that doesn't desire a partnership type of relationship, no matter how much I may love you, and there's a lot of people who won't understand or accept that. I don't want attention all the time, sometimes I want to come home and just sit, I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, I just want to be in my space, by myself. I'm grown.

I want to have good conversations and spend time with someone, but I don't need it everyday. And I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for that. If I'm involved with you, I'm solid with you, I'll check on you, see how you're doing and see if you want to go do something, but I don't need you and that's the part that can hurt or bother people. If I have to let someone go because they are not leveling my happiness or my growth, "You need to go baby" 💔

So my friend asked me about my dating life and if I've met anyone I wanted something significant with and I said no. I told him I've met a few people, but no one vibed with me in a way that I wanted to be closer to them. And he said something to me a kind of made sense....

"How about don't connect with someone new. Because then you don’t have to go through the process of them getting to know your ways and you getting to know theirs."

I understand the notion on this because I think I've even mentioned on here a few times that there's nothing wrong with rekindling an old flame ❤️‍🔥. You may be "newer" because some things about yourself may have changed, but you're still familiar with someone you once were linked with. I don’t know if that's something I'll do, not like I've not done that before, but if I do rekindle anything with some, I'm going to be more clear with what's not comfortable for me and what types I problems I don't need to have.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Relationships: A Wise Investment?

“Love is just a word we attach to a feeling that we don’t really understand until we look back on it.”

Someone told me, the best thing you can do is make solid relationships that benefit both people. This includes friendships too. You invest in people and cultivate a type of understanding and communication with one another that gets your through certain things in life. I pour into a lot of my friendships because the friends I’ve made are free-flowing and I have friends who I talk to about serious topics and I have friends who I talk to about lighthearted topics, they all bring value into my life one way or another.

The Older I Get

The more I understand what works for me and that it may not work for others, but I can’t rely on others to make things work for me. ✨️

The types of relationships I'm not pouring into is a partnership. A colleague mentioned that partnering with someone can be a good personal and financial investment, but I feel like that all depends on your partner. Say if your partner is bad with money or doesn't have a good paying job, then you carry the bulk of the financial responsibility which can also affect your communication with the person. But if you have a stable person who can carry the same weight and articulate adult responsibilities, then yes, that’s a good partnership. 👍🏽

I was talking to one of my good friends a few days ago…he is a damn fool, I have so much fun when I talk to him, well, I have a lot of fun when I talk to any of my friends. I just have good people in my life. Anyway, with this friend, we've both been married before, we have children and don’t want anymore, we make good money, and we can do whatever it is we want to do, so I was telling him I don’t need or want a partner, but I like having companionship and I would like to be involved with someone who understands the difference.

We don’t always have be around each other. If he wants to go grab a drink after work and not invite me out, I'm fine with that. Or if he is going out with his friends and doesn't ask me to come, I'm okay with that too. I’m not going to ask invasive questions, I may just ask what you did the other night, but don't treat me like I’m the opposition or like a stranger, communicate with me. And also, if we so happen to run into each other somewhere and you're out with friends or whoever, don’t act as if you don’t know me, especially if we’re sleeping together. I'm grown, I don’t play those silly games. You don’t need to be all up on me, but don’t treat me like some random person that you just know.

I like hanging out one on one with someone, but I don't always require it. We can hang out with a bunch of people or we can just talk on the phone or text. And I don’t always want to talk of superficial things, I want articulate and intrinsic conversations where we learn significant details about our values and backgrounds. There’s other forms of intimacy other than sex. And I want a companion who understands all of this.

I rather invest into this kind of relationship rather than a partner who wants to combine every aspect of our lives. I don’t want to live with anyone, but I do want to see you and spend time with you when we can. I like going out and doing things and sometimes I like to have intimate company. Someone who is interested in me and talks to me in ways that my friends don’t speak to me, I’m sure you guys know the difference.

But for now, when I want company, I just call one of my friends, and don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with them, but vibe is different with someone you're intimate with and that's the main reason why I like companionship because the synergy is different. Again, I don’t need a partner, I just want to share energy with someone who likes to embrace me and the moments we have together. I think that would be the wise investment, at least for me, I can't speak for all of you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Girl Cliques

“ALFA women don’t travel in packs. Or don’t always need someone with them.”

Some of you noticed that I really do not mention my girl friends a lot and that I speak of my guy friends more and you’re right, I do. That’s because I do have more guy friends than I do girl friends and I hang out with my boys more. I think as far as my demeanor goes, I mesh a lot better with my guys, but I also have great times with my girls. I just don’t always move the same way many women. Let me explain…

There’s been a few scenarios where I am hanging out with some girl friends and some of them seem to focus on finding a man to pay for our drinks, food, etc. I’m not like that, if I am stepping out, I can afford to do what ever it is I decide to do. I don’t seek out making an acquaintance with a man to talk him into covering a tab. I also don’t invite guys out with the motive of getting him to pay for my stuff. Or I know some women who will tell their friends to come hang out because they are going to meet a guy who is going to cover everything. It is generous if a man is willing to do that, but that should be the main reason why women go out. And I hate for women to encourage their friends to talk to men simply because the men have money or are wealthy. I HAVE MONEY. I’M GOOD 👍🏽. And a lot of women like to travel in groups or do not like to be alone. I LOVE coming and going by myself. I am not on anyone’s time and I can leave whenever I want to. I’m not waiting on anyone and no one is waiting on me.

Being Happy With Me

And not feeling like I need to be part of a group or needing someone around me all the time.

I love the women I have become friends with, but my relationships with them are completely different than my relationships with my guys. I feel like female friends require more time and attention. They require a lot of engagement otherwise you're not part of their “clique” or you're acting funny 😐. Sometimes I like to hang out, sometimes I don't. And sometimes I like to talk about things and sometimes I don’t.

And another thing about women is that they seem to always want to know the specific details in your personal life. Do you ever listen to what women talk about with each other? Most of it is just fluff when it’s not about anything substantial. And some of it is also just gossip. I don’t even tell my best friends everything, so I definitely won’t share a lot with those who I’m not too close to. For example, only a few people know about the Athlete and even fewer people know about Poppa. And I rarely ever say their first names.🤐

Like one of them could be sitting next to me and if I’m talking to one of my close friends, I’ll use their nicknames and I won’t say that I'm actually talking about the man next to me! 😝

I may speak about many topics on here, but there's still a level of privacy I like to keep. Even when I talk about the men I’ve been involved with, I never share specific details about them for a few reasons, 1. I want to respect their privacy too. 2. I don't owe the public any details. 3. I really don’t know who all visits my site. There may be people who know me personally looking for certain information, I don’t know. Yeah, I have a public platform but there's still a veil I like to keep over my life.

Some friends know some details about me and other friends know different details about me. I don’t share the same information with everyone I know. And I don't show people everything I’m doing. And I am not one who feels the need to take pictures of everything I’m doing when I’m out (Well except when I'm eating, I like taking pictures of my food 😝). Other than that, I like to just enjoy the moment. I don’t always need pictures every minute. Sadly, I know some men are like this too, posting pictures or videos of their outings. No, I’ll pass.

Again, I love the women I’ve made friendships with, but I don’t prefer to be in anyone's clique. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I talk back

“If we cannot communicate effectively. We can’t communicate.”

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about relationships, and I said somethings that I never said out loud before. Now most of you already know I only claim one relationship as the serious one and that was my marriage. But I have been involved with other men who I loved and some I didn't love. And the person I was having a conversation with ask me why none of those relationships ever became too serious and my response was this:

“After my divorce I worked so hard to get my life in order and back on track to where I now have good stability and I don’t want that to be ruined by anyone who will make my life unstable.”

I Worked Hard For This

My space (mentally and physically) is not a want, it’s a NEED. Be just as valuable as my space and my time.

There's a lot of allure to having fun with someone because when the fun is over, we just go back to our own lives, but then there's that companionship that you can miss out on and I think that's where it gets complicated for me, because I do enjoy that companionship, someone who knows me privately or knows things that others may not know.

Because I've worked hard to get my life to where it's at and I did it by myself, I have become comfortable with wanting and needing my space. So in a lot of the situations I had with men, something would happen where I have to decide between the companionship or my space. I want companionship as much as I want my space, but depending on what type of issue I’m having with someone, I'll choose me first, therefore wanting my space outweighs wanting that companionship.

And I really do hate arguing to no end where nothing is getting resolved. I like sharing my thoughts, but I don't like the feeling of not being heard and a man continuing to avoid me. I don't like when a man jumps over what I’m trying to say and only wants to defend what he said or did. And when that happens I feel inclined to keep going with my thoughts…because if you're not going to listen to me, what purpose does it bring to only listen to your opinions, is it about you? Or is it about us and how we can communicate effectively?

But here’s something I want you all to ponder on…Women who are very vocal about their opinions, are seen by men as someone who wants the center stage or dramatic, but is it that she just doesn't feel heard and understood that she feels she need to be more radical with her thoughts?

I jokingly used the phrase, “I talk back” which in meaning is the essence of I’m a strong minded individual and I've developed critical thinking skills that allow me to think beyond the surface. I never just read a news headline and take it for face value, there's always more to a story. That's why when people tell me things that are vague or ambiguous, I know there's something more they don’t want to share for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t want any feedback or opinions or maybe they're ashamed about something. When I share something I am opening it up to any questions and feedback that may come along. I may not necessarily be making it your business, I’m just sharing something with you and I’m allowing you to give your opinion on it. I’ll let you know if you're curiosity is going to far.

In any case, a woman talking back shouldn't be confused with a woman sharing her thoughts and feelings. Men are always quick to shut us down because society deems a woman being vocal as being nagging or emotional. Sometimes when I really frustrated or angry I begin to cry because there's so much on my mind and my heart that I can't get it all out at once, and most men don’t give patience to that. So women are just supposed to stay quiet and go along with whatever a man says?

Don’t Dismiss Her

When a woman is expressing herself, give her time to get it out.

Fellas, if you're not doing something right by a woman, there's good chance she feels it and will say something about it, don’t be dismissive of her feelings. Pay attention to the fact she notices you and notices when something is off about you. Don’t automatically become irritated because you don’t want to deal with her concerns, if she loves you, her concerns are about YOU and if you don’t have the same types of concerns for her, then you need to make some decisions and let her know what those decisions are. Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same arguments over and over again.

Look, I’m not giving any advice, I'm just thinking practically. This is why I don't like to get too involved with someone too quickly, because again, I’ll choose my space if a man isn't reassuring me that he's worth more than that. Especially if you start to act funny or play games with me, then I’m just going to fall back into my hole and depending on how long I've know you, there's a chance you may never hear from me again. In some scenarios, if I feel that you're not worth it, I'm not going to talk back.

Be safe out there.

One of you said, “Diddy is also still out there having babies.” - I completely forgot he just had a newborn! Listen, I can still very much have more children, but I choose not to. And I am NOT willing not compromise on that.

The Grown Attitude

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child…”

Method Man did a recent interview stating he doesn't know why he keeps being labeled as a sex symbol when his not doing anything to earn that title. And I see his point of view on this. Clifford is what, in his early 50s now? And I think his is at a point in his life where he's done all the he planned to do, and now he's just enjoying the legacy he's made. Mind you, this man is married and has been married for over 2 decades. I think early in his life and career, he had a lot of fun. And there were always rumors here and there about some of the women he may have been in a situation with, but they were all rumors. During the this interview he used Smokey Robinson as an example of living in his highlight when it was appropriate, but when the clock starts winding down, trying to keep up with the highlight just doesn't make sense. I think that was such a mature thing to say and I think, however, Cliff living his right now, he is doing it on his own terms and no longer chasing Hollywood or entertainment high, and he's just enjoying life as Clifford with remenents of Method Man.

The most attractive thing about a man is growth and maturity. It doesn’t mean he still doesn't come with some bullshit. He just knows how to handle it better.

I think Jay-Z is the same way. We've heard rumors about him as well when he was starting to become known, and other rumors came about during his marriage. But one thing is for sure, he will do the most to protect the solitude of his family. Almost everything he does now seems to be business driven, even with the dynamics of his family and personal affairs. If there isn't a value or a means to an end, he's not interested.

Now Puff...ummm...Sean Combs ain't Shawn Carter, and definitely ain't Clifford Smith either. Mr. Combs is going to live how he wants to live, flashy, outspoken, opulent, all of the above. One of my childhood friends is like this and I need to be mindful of the time I spend around him because he can be a lot. Puff is going to have a rotation of young women, and he's living like he's in his 20s with his 50s fortune. Aye, go ahead, Puff, do what you want.

And I'm only using these 3 men as examples because we've seen where they started to where they are now.

David Beckham may be another good example, but we don't get a lot of news from across the water unless we're fishing for it. But I think he's shown a lot of maturity over the years, too.

Make The Good Choice

When that doesn't work out, make the other choice. 😁

Let me tell you something and I want all of you to start putting this in your daily mantra and it doesn't matter how old you are or where you're at in life, say this right here:

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This includes relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, fun nights, whatever it is, you do not miss anything that isn’t meant for you.

But if those same relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, and fun nights present themselves again, you can take it.

Just because you did not say Yes the first time doesn't mean you can't say Yes the next time. Maybe you said no the first time because it didn't feel right at the moment, but time changes things, right? And what we felt then may not be what we feel now. Just like with the men I mentioned, how they behaved then is probably not what they'll decide to do now, exclude Puff from this thought.

You know that saying, "When I was a child, I acted as a child" it's a derivative of the bible verse. It applies to all of us. Just like with the one reader who said, “A connection can be made with anyone, but it can only last but so long and go only so far without any real value or tangible substance. And if you only rely on that connection, you avoid your own reality, thus avoiding your own bullshit.” The reader also used an example of pedophiles relying on connections. Her example was extreme, but I think she was just trying to make her point.

So again,

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This can go so many different ways. There's things that are good for you and there's things that aren't, but you decide that. And here’s something else, the universe always knows what it's doing even when we don’t, and sometimes when certain things happen we call it coincidences or a sign. But the only thing we manage is what we feel and what we decide to do next.

Every decision is a great decision until it's not. And when it deems itself as not a great decision, then you have to figure out if you'll avoid making that decision again OR if you do make that same decision, what will you do differently next time? Because with growth we can walk down the same path, but this time we are more equipped with traveling it better.

Be safe everyone.

Interested In Him

“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

The Misconception

Don’t confuse my comfort or friendliness towards someone with being interested in anything other than a good conversation.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

  • But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.

Let The Juices Flow

“Be good to ‘Her’ first, before being good to him.”

Ok ladies, let’s talk about this. In a pervious topic I briefly talked about keeping your Hello Kitty healthy. I gave you an oil mixture recipe to use on Her and I talked about how important it is to maintain your pH balance.

Fellas, this might be TMI for you, but I can't force you to go, but we are going talk some lady business.

I’m pretty in tuned with my body and my health especially the Hello Kitty, I know right away when something isn’t right. I’m not currently sexually active or have been intimate with anyone in a long time, but I still have to pay attention Her. Even the clothes you wear or certain fabrics can throw you off balance. Those tight jeans may look cute on you, but it’s not giving enough air for your Kitty to breathe and sometimes textured or rough fabric can irritate her too. And if you have high moisture levels, you have to be more cognizant of these things. Wetness and tight clothes don't always mix well. Also, wetness and no underwear don’t mix well because of the chance of drippness down your inner thighs. 😅🫠

The main thing is keeping yourself clean. Pick up some vaginal soaps that can help maintain that pH balance and of course staying hydrated is good for your overall health. And just like using moisturizers on your face, do the same for the Kitty. I use natural oils on both my face and my Girl.

And of course we know the things you eat impact all parts of our bodies, but ladies we have to pay attention to how certain foods affect our Kitties. Any type of citrus fruits are great for your girl like grapefruit, oranges, limes, kumquats are all great because of the vitamin C component. Other things such as pineapple, different types of berries, apples, and pomegranate contain great antioxidants. 🍊🍋🫐🥝

Take Care Of Your Kitty

Treat your body how you want him to treat “Her”

If you have any issues with dryness, dark greens can help you out with that. Think more kale, collard greens, spinach and broccoli is good to put into your regular diet 🥬🥦. Also, if you didn't know this, then I’m about to tell you, Avocados help boost not only wetness, but also you libido! 🥑😺

Let me tell you, whoever my next partner is…SIR, YOU'RE WELCOME! 💋💦

But for those of you who have an active sex life, here are some foods to stay away from before you do the do because they can cause a lingering odor, garlic, asparagus, onions, and brussels sprouts. Depending on certain meats and how it’s seasoned can also leave an unattractive smell, just let your nose pay attention to all of that. But always, ALWAYS, drink plenty of water 💧.

Now lets talk about sex a little. You should know by now that other people's fluids affect our Kitty fluids. If he’s not a clean person, what do you think that will do to your balance? Just think of UTIs and how uncomfortable they are. That's why no matter your partner, you should always have a healthy routine to get your Girl back on track. And after sex, make sure at the very least, you have a warm wash rag close by and wipe down the Kitty. 😻

Here are your takeaways:

  • Eat fruit

  • Eat your green veggies

  • Keep it clean and moisturized

  • Let her breathe

  • Drink water

“V” Oil Mix (use it as often as you want)

  • Sesame Oil

  • Argan Oil

  • Jojoba Oil

  • Tea Tree Oil

Today's Generation of Men is NOT Yesterday's

A few of you asked me about my thoughts on the Carlee Russell situation. When the story broke, I had concern. When the story continued, I had questions. When the press conference aired, I was more confused.

Initially, my thoughts mirror Tristan Marsh’s thoughts (video). We’ll never know what really drove the young lady to decide to do what she did, but I do believe in accountability and owning up to your behaviors and actions. Not everything is a mental ailment. But, hey I am not medical doctor. Whatever the underlying issue was, I just hope something was learned from this situation.

“As a man, be just that. A gentleman.”

❗️DISCLAIMER: This is a summary of many of your thoughts over the last few months.

❗️❗️Please Note: Men, before you get upset, this is not a direct attack on any of you, some women just notice a few nuances here and there: Don’t lose your greatness to those not so great.

Sometimes I look at these young people today and just think…Where did it all go wrong? The way they think, the way they act, the music the listen to, and Oh GOD the way they dress! It’s almost like they are so influenced by one another that they won’t listen to anything or anyone that makes sense. To be fair, there are a few young people who have good direction, but for the most part….No. 😐

Be Distinguished

Never be ashamed of your age and try to prove to these youngers that you can still fit in with them. You fit in with YOUR people. Remember that.

Let me start with music because music can change anyone’s mood from good to great or from bad to worse. That song “Act Bad” is a no for me, the lyrics, the tempo, all of it, not for me. What are you doing Puff? You come from “All About the Benjamin’s” to this??? Make it make sense! Megan the Stallion, beautiful woman, has hit songs, but overall her music is not for me and it’s the same with Cardi B, love her charisma, but her music isn’t for me. And don’t get me trying to figure out who’s song is who’s because I do not know half the people who’s making these supposed hits now. I think most of this generation has the sheep mentality and they just go with what everyone else says is good as opposed to having their own critical thoughts and saying, “This is trash.” If I am out and the songs are playing, I go with it, but when I am in my car or at home, none of that is on my playlist. Look I’m not saying this is ideal, but I grew up with music about making love, treating women good, and dealing drugs, this generation's music is about doing drugs and being careless. We are not the same. 🚫

Next is the mindset and I think the current pop-culture has a lot to do with this especially with reality tv and this generation looking up to these salacious behaviors. It has warped people’s way of thinking and of course how you think is how you act. 💡

So let me get into the men. Sometimes I witness the older generations get influenced by the younger generations maybe because they want to still feel young, validated, important, or want to prove something, I don't know. But baby just act your age, we accept you just like that. My friend says men like that look like Daddy Daycare. Don’t have these kids out here having you look like Daddy Daycare.

Even for me, I don’t want to be out here looking like I’m babysitting. That 25 year old I told you about before, I told you I kept my boundaries strong with that one. Because I have to think, he’s closer to my daughter's age then my own, and what would I look like bringing him around my kids? I can't be serious with someone who has more in common with my children than me. 👀🤪

Be Proud

Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for achieving your goals and doing well. We don't all make the same decisions because we are not clones of each other, so just make certain YOUR Life is Gucci.

Listen, I love a distinguished man. Who comes with experience and knows how to separate what's no longer for him from what helps him maintain humility. I guess when I was younger, I never wanted to be everywhere with everyone. I didn't feel I needed to know everybody and I didn't care to fit into anyone's clique. I moved at my own pace. I like being low key and in my own elements. The big difference is, the people who I decided to be around has to have purpose to me. Either they have a similar mindset as me or they have a more experienced mindset to teach me something. I don’t like to be around “Yes” people, who don’t tell me their true opinions and just go with whatever anyone else says. Baby, you're not growing or helping anyone grow. 🌱

At my age now, the only young people I communicate with often are my kids, my mentees, and a few people I may see in passing often. That’s it. For the most part, I stick to my caliber of people. And I'm so disappointed with the men coming out of this generation. It’s like they have adopted so many feminine traits and wanting to be treated like women. I completely understand the concept of catering to your man and making him feel loved, but these men want that treatment from the start without showing you they are worth your affections. They want you to be fully vulnerable towards them, but they're not willing to do the same with you. 🤨

I like it when men aren't afraid to tell me they want me. They're not afraid to reach out to me and they don't get upset if I’m not available. I like a grown man, not just grown in age, but grown in mentality. To know that I’m a woman of standards, I’m a woman that has come up in life. I’m a woman that has emotions and a woman who still likes some traditions like a man approaching me and asking about me.

Today's generation is all about instant gratification and what's quick and what feels good to them. The problem is, without going through and processing what doesn't feel good, you don’t learn to build up your comprehension and understanding towards different real life scenarios and you become sensitive to everything you feel is an inconvenience or barrier to you. And men have become more susceptible to being like this.

Let this all sit. Be safe out there.

Make Money Online

“I don’t know about you, but paying for convenience is worth the cost.”

I am not one of those people who will have an Only Fans page 🚫 or any page where I have to put aside my values, dignity, or morals to make money . If you have a site like that, hand claps to you, I can’t do it. I still won’t wear certain things around my dad. For instance, if I am going to visit him, but right after I am going out with friends, I am not going to wear what I’m going out in around my dad. I won’t even change at his house, I’ll change in the car if I'm crunched for time just to avoid my dad seeing my revealing outfits. ⛔️

And I also have that mindset of everyone doesn’t need to see what I’m doing all the time. Sometimes I’ll snap a picture and share it to certain people, but I was never on the bandwagon of showing the world where I am at, who I am with, and what I am doing. Although, I am an advocate of sharing information that could be useful to others.

A lot of you ask me about different ways to make money. I make money in several ways. I am a W2 employee for one company and I am a 1099 employee for several other companies. I also have a few investment ventures that include properties and the stock market. And of course I make some change from this site. Lisssennn…I like nice things and I like treating myself very good. 💅🏾Now if a man comes along and wants to take over all my major expenses, which is really my living expenses, such as home and auto, then BABY, tell me what you need from me, you can have it all! I’m still going to make my own money, but Sweetie, let me know what you want me to do and I’ll do it! 😉

But here’s a little tip from Auntie Ray: “Fellas, find you a woman who adds income to your household and not a woman who just depletes yours ❌️. And ladies, don’t be that woman who can only by drinks and a t-shirt every now and then but, can’t buy your man anything else.” ❌️

To make good money on the side or even with your own business, the best thing I can tell you is to learn a skill, be great at that skill, package it up, market it, and put a price tag on it. And if you are partnering with someone, make sure they know the same things you know or more. Below is a break down of different revenue possibilities.

Website, Videos, Podcasts

Having a website, creating videos, and having a podcast are great ways to make money. They key is knowing your audience and gravitating the topics relative to them. With this site, it took me about 2 years before I saw some decent revenue and the income is not steady nor is it the same each month. It all depends on of of you. 🥰

There is another website that I have been working on the last 2 years. It is more geared towards business topics and working professionals. The site actually began as a project while I was studying at University of Alabama 🤓. I got a lot of good feedback from it that I decided to make into a little baby business for right now. I write HR and employment related articles and I provide professional development downloads at different costs 📂. I have earned some revenue already from the site, but I still consider it a little prototype site because there’s still a lot I want to do with it. I could hire about 2 people to help me get it to a certain level, but I want to make sure it meets a certain standard first before I hire people.

📌 Here is a peak at my some of my Professional Articles (it looks a lot different from this site. Yes, Auntie Ray knows her shit!) And here is a peak at the Professional Development Downloads I offer. Look, I didn’t get this far in life to be inefficient with my knowledge.

Professional Ray

I talk back and I talk a lot of BS, but I also talk a lot of business.

eCommerce: Esty, eBay, Amazon, Mercari, etc.

Selling online another great way to earn some extra cash. During the COVID lockdown I was still working, but I was stuck in the house with a lot of downtime, so one day I decided to go through my closet and clean out anything that I no longer wear or have never worn. Trust me, I had a lot of clothes with the tags still attached. Judge me later, just hear me now. I sold my clothes on Mercari and within 3 months, I made a good amount of pocket money, just from things I don’t use anymore 💵! Ebay is a good platform for this too. Esty is great if you are crafter or creator. You can also sell digital products on there too. I know a lot of teachers sell generic lesson plans on there. For other platforms to sell digital items or virtual services Fiverr and Upwork are good. With Amazon, they have a sellers program and I know of a few people who do well with that. *Mind you all these platforms do charge some sort of selling fee. 📊

Investing

Investing is one of the best ways to earn passive income. I have 2 avenues of investments. The one I enjoy the most is the stock market. The market can be unpredictable and volatile, but in my experience, I have never lost more than I put in 📈. Even when I lost some money last year, I already made all it back this year and then some. 📕 I even published a beginners guide in 2020 that covers all the basics of the stock market. I offer the eBook on my business site and even though it’s almost 3 years old, I still get multiple downloads from it each month. Link to my eBook HERE. 📍

Do what you will with all this information, but don’t say I never gave you some pointers on where to start! I don’t believe in scaling back because of finances, I believe in making more money. Like I said, I like nice things and being able to afford convenience in not cheap. 💸

Looking For Trouble

A little revelation about my 2 dreams, if you need to catch up with what I’m talking about go to the post right before this one. There's a few audio clips in there. I still keep having the dreams, except the recent nights, I now think the person I’m calling and the person standing next to me is the same person. With the phone dream, instead of calling the person, I am texting the person and this time the person sent a message back. What was said in the message was the same thing the person in the other dream said to me, but I can’t make out his voice. Sometimes my dreams have a funny way of keeping me wondering until it actually happens in my waking life. Seems cruel, huh? 😏 But at least now I know the two dreams are connected!

Also, another thing I should mention is the whole Keke Palmer fiasco with her partner. I know, I just hyped those two up and now the Usher thing happened and things seem to be iffy between them, but hey I did tell you guys….forever doesn't last a long time! I do see both sides to it, for Keke, she’s out with her friends, she’s feeling good, and she’s just enjoying herself. For her partner, he sees the woman he is with who is also the mother of his child wearing a very revealing outfit and in the face of another man. Look, I wear things all the time that show parts of my body, but I am very conscious of how close I am to a man, even being single. I do hope they find a way to communicate and be cordial even if they don’t stay together.

“There's such things as good trouble.”

Let's talk about trouble. I do believe if you're looking for trouble, you will definitely find it, no matter what it is. I also believe there's such things as good trouble. We’ll talk more about that in a minute. If you are looking for something to be wrong about someone, you will find it, guaranteed, but don’t go looking for something that doesn’t need to be found, let that sit for a bit, that may mean something different to each of you. For instance, don’t look for something to justify anything you did wrong or could have done better. Like don’t try to pull out someone else’s flaws when you still need to work on yours. Don’t call-out someone else, if you can’t accept being called out. But, if your gut is telling you something is not right, listen to it, because you are probably correct. And at that point you need to decide if what you are feeling is something you can deal with long term.

So let’s talk about “good trouble”. Good trouble is what I call taking a risk, but it’s not causing harm to anyone. Like complimenting someone who you may have some history with, but what makes it “trouble” is not knowing where that compliment will get you, you guys following me here? Will it get you to a happy ending or will it just be words that stood in one place?

So let me share something really quick: Every now and then, I say some suggestive things to a guy I know, I’m not sure if he’s noticed it because I always say I’m joking and the reason I do that is, I am not sure if I want what I say to go any further than just a statement. I’m so cory, I know. I just don’t want to get into any BS with anyone and I’ve been good on my celibacy kick, even though I don’t refer to it as that because my purpose is not to abstain from sex, but more so abstain from getting involved with someone who is going to bring me down as opposed to being considerate to me. My Goods are GOOD right now and I want to keep it that way and I am only willing to share my good with someone who is transparent with me….BUT HELL, I don’t know, one of these days someone might just say the right thing at the right moment…and that’s all she wrote!

Ideally, there is nothing wrong if you want a little trouble here and there, just be careful with how much you may be rocking the boat and don’t do anything that may put you in a compromising situation. Be careful out there everyone.

The One Who Got Away

“I like when people show a side of them that they’ve never shown me before.”

One of my lovely readers asked me this question:

Have you ever been the one who got away for someone?

Honestly, I really don’t know. And to be even more honest with you, I don’t think that is something I want to know. I feel like if I were to know something like that it would linger in the back of my mind and I don’t need those extended thoughts swirling around in my head. Would you want to know if you were someone’s the “one who got away'“?

What makes someone the “one who got away”? Because every separation or breakup cannot be that person. So here is my opinion on what would classify a person for that title and you can let me know if you agree or have anything to add. I think the “one who got away” is someone who met all your expectations for instance:

  • You were physically attracted to them

  • They cared for your well-being

  • They showed their consideration for you

  • You felt comfortable around them

  • You felt you could talk to them about anything

  • They motivated you

  • They encouraged you to do amazing things

  • They supported your ambitions

  • They talked to you about any concerns or troubles they had

  • They listen and gave you constructive feedback

  • Your friends and/or family liked them

  • You were not ashamed of who they were in any way

  • You were proud of what they have accomplished or what they did for a living

Does this list seem accurate? Although, on the other side of it, I think what also make a person the “one who got away” is YOU. As great as this person was, there was something they could no longer accepted from you. So we have to look at ourselves too. Were we or ARE we the ideal partner for someone? Do WE meet all the items on the list?

I know for me, I am the oldest of my siblings, and I’m a mother, so many times my motherly instincts kick in with my lovers and I develop concern for things they do or tell me about. Even when I am upset, I still worry and care and I do not think a lot of people are receptive to that because I may come across overbearing and they just lean more on being distant while they are upset. But, in the same breathe, I also become distant at times when I just need a moment to decompress, not from the relationship or connection, but just over all, because remember, when we reach a certain level or status in life, our romantic connections are NOT the only things on our minds. I’m passed the period of being in a man’s shadow and not seeing about my own wants and needs, including the wants and needs of other people in my life. There’s responsibilities I have for my family, responsibilities for work, responsibilities for my studies, etc. Someone cannot expect me to be 100% available to them. In fact someone said to me that it seems like I want to be more with myself than with someone and that it won’t work with anyone who wants something serious with me. I didn't know how to take that and I still don't know how to take that. The reality is, how I saw my future when I was younger is not how I see my future now.

Back to the topic, no I don't know if I am someone's the “one who got away” and I don’t want to know. Or even if someone still has strong feelings for me, I'm not sure if I want to know that either. What would I do with that information? I don't want to take advantage of anyone's feelings. With all of my previous lovers, there's still some emotional ____________ with them. Some of it is good and some not so good 😕. But it’s still there. And if there's ever a mutual reconnection with any of them, we’d be approaching each other as different individuals than when we were last together or at least I hope so. I hope that we’ve become more conscious of our flaws and made attempts to improve ourselves. I think it be best going into it just having an open discussion with one another. So if I were to rekindle feelings for someone, I wouldn't be the “one who got away” because he’d have me again. Or I wouldn't be the “one who got away” for him, but maybe someone else? 🤔

Lie To Me

“Don’t ask him if he’s single, ask him is there are any women who think they are with him.”

Before I begin, you know what I've noticed? Some people will applaud and praise people for doing the same things you've been doing or less, but they won’t applaud and praise you. For instance, they'll speak highly of a person for finding a way to get to work everyday, but won’t acknowledge you when you work hard, have side businesses, raising a family, able to take nice trips, and continue to achieve beyond normal standards. 😒 Why are some people like this? Do you not think that higher achieving people don’t like getting praised too? Or are you so amazed by mediocrity that you don’t recognize when people are beyond just doing good? Think about that and ask yourself if you're this type of person.

Moving on…

What is a lie? It’s a notion, an idea, a conscious act of hiding the truth, yes? Why do people lie? Here's some reasons I came up with:

  • They don’t want to hurt someone they care about

  • They don’t want confrontation or to be in trouble

  • They don’t think someone will understand the truth

  • They are afraid that if they speak the truth they'll be thought of differently

Is any of this hitting home for you? Look, it’s one thing if you are trying to protect me or my feelings, but it’s another thing if you are continuing to tell me things that don't equal up to your actions.

Here is a concept I want you to think about, most people lie more to the people closest to them, it maybe little white lie, but a lie nonetheless. And what about romantic relationships? Have you ever been in a situation where you can feel when someone is keeping something from you? I know I have. Like in one instance I keep noticing the same girl come around and the guy I was talking to kept downplaying it when I started getting the sense that either she was trying to start something with him or he was giving her the impression that he was fully available to her. I don't like those games.

And something else I want to throw at you, sometimes when a man is upset with the woman he’s with, he leans on another woman. Even if he's just reaching out to her without intimate intentions other than a friendly conversation, if he doesn't put boundaries around it, then the woman he reaches out to may start to think something is developing between them and then he’s going to get wrapped up in it and then it's going to be some bs for all of them. If I’m upset with my guy, I'm not going to call another man for comfort. If I can’t deal with the issue with my dude, then I’m not going to go looking to deal with it with another man.

Like I said before, at this point in my life I want to enjoy my time with someone without feeling like there's someone else who can have the same love and attention I’m getting. I’m not for the young and dumb nonsense. We’re not in high school and the college shenanigan years have come and gone. I’m not reliving those years or trying to prove I still got it. I know I still got it even after 2 kids, a failed marriage, resetting my life and starting from the bottom. So I’m not trying to sneak around or act like nothing is going on between me and someone else. People don't have to know all of our business to know that we’re involved especially other women, but it shouldn't be a secret or make either of us feel like we can let be know we’re seeing each other.

My friend calls any extra curricular activities outside of a relationship, “fuckery”. So if I’m are involved with someone don't bring any of that fuckery back to me or around me. If we’re going to be upset about anything, don't let it be about any of those extra curricular activities. We need to be solid. So don't flirt with me or get fresh with me with the intention of something happening between us if you're just going to bring bullshit behavior and excuses when I ask certain questions. Because as a man, I still expect you to lead, but I’m not going to follow blindly. There has to be a circle of trust that we stand in that involves showing grace, understanding, support, empathy, and love for one another even if we don't last a long time because remember, I talked about forever not lasting forever? If we walk away from each other, I still want to walk away knowing we did our best to enjoy each other.

No one likes the feeling of being lied to. When someone lies to me, I feel like you don’t think highly of me enough to want to listen and try to understand you. It also makes me feel like you don't want my input because you don’t want to make any changes. If you're not ready to make adjustments for me, that’s fine, but if you want to keep our connection intact then if you're going to lie to me or keep certain pieces of information from me then what you show me has to be worth more than those lies. I want and deserve that effort. Don't I? Don’t you?

A Reader's Rant: Age Gaps

“When life tries to test you, stay busy.”

Before you start reading or listening to the audio, here is conversation between a friend and myself. My messages are in blue.

The more I'm staying focused on myself, the more I stand firm on the notion that I DO NOT have to accept anything that upsets me or isn't keeping me in good spirits. And also I shouldn't have to keep telling people what I don’t have the patience for. I have enough people in my life who’ve known me for a long time and who take me into consideration and pay attention to what I do and say, so I don’t really need to make any new friends who aren't of the same hallmarks.

I also think it's very sassy and childish to block someone, because I have the discipline not to respond or answer, so I don't do things like that, but I am going to distance myself from this person. I gave as much grace as this person deserved, but I do not need to give anymore, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Like I said, this person has not been in my life a long time, and does not have a big impact on my life, and is not adding any substantial happiness, so it's really a simple decision, wouldn’t you agree?

I want value added and that’s all that matters at this point.

This site has really become more than I expected. In 2008, I never thought this my words would gain so much interest and momentum across the world. I am so grateful to all of you. It does take me some time to read through all of your messages, but I do read them. There is a reader in particular who asked if I can share her “rant” about men who prey on younger girls (I think she means legal age, and is more referring to inappropriate age gaps). When I first read the message, I thought it was one of my friends who is very adamant about this topic, like so adamant that she has the worst opinions on men who are like this, but I checked and it was not from my friend. I am not going to record me reading the rant, I’ll just leave it for you to read and interpret in your own way. I have become more on the fence with this topic ONLY because there are younger men who are interested in me, BUT I have a limit to how far they can take their interest and I don’t give them any false hope with me.

I feel like if we are going to be hard on men who fool around with younger women, then we should be just as hard on women who do the same with younger men. Although, I think the main difference between the two is that older women go into it anticipating on the situation to be temporary and just for fun, while older men go into those situation anticipating an ongoing relationship. Don’t hold me to this because I really don’t know and I don’t really have substantial experience in this area. I know when I was younger I did get involved with a man who was much older and in hindsight, I think for me it was this great big deal that I was seeing an older guy and he was so gorgeous, all the girls wanted him, but for him I was just a pretty face and someone to kick it with when he was available because he wasn’t thinking anything long-term with me. I was young and dumb and got my hopes up with someone I shouldn’t have. But, hey I guess that was just an experience I had to go through to teach me something. Such is life. And I think for the younger men and women, it’s more for image, status, and possibly stability to be with someone older. When I hear some of the young girls talk, they seem to always mention what an older man has or what he can do. They say things like, He has money. He has a good job. He drives a nice car. He has his own house. Or they’ll try to feel him out and ask him what he does for a living and all those things garners their interest towards him. I’m not saying this is always the case, but you have to think, what is the young person gaining from this situation?

Anyway, go ahead and read through what the woman set me and you are welcome to send in your thoughts about this. I will say that I do agree with a lot of what she was saying, but take a few moments to read it and we’ll recap at the bottom.

Hey Raya! Love your posts! Can you share this in a future post? I understand if you don’t but I want to share my thoughts on these old ass men who are out here f*cking around with these young girls. They need to be ashamed! Got these little girls thinking they going to be their girlfriends and wives knowing damn well these men will get laughed at and looked at crazy if they bring her around they friends and family. What do these men be thinking?!!! You don't have anything in common with these little girls except sex! You gonna tell me a 28 year girl thinks the same way as a 48 year old man???? NO! And if she does, then it’s something wrong with the man. Is you serious my n1gah? Got these girls gassing you because you can’t be the man a grown woman wants. Yall want to train these little girls. And then you end up being the old man at the club with a bunch of 20 year olds talking about what they talk about and doing what they doing and paying for everything. It’s disgusting and you letting them think they got you because you out here trying to defend your predatory habits. You n1gahs like them girls gone wild type shit that be shaking they @sses on every other n1gah, smoking and letting random n!gahs prour drinks down their throats and you think that type of girl is the one for you. These little girls got daddy issues and want to be seen and your dumb@sses don’t see through it. Yall are despicable! Stop going to their playgrounds and start being grown!

👀 Whew! That was a lot, right? So I did not change any of the language in the message, I did adjust some of the spelling of the offensive words because I don’t want to get flagged 😂. So what do you think about this?

When Momma gets out, she gets OUT! 😏

Fellas, I’m going to try to defend you on to some limit. Say you are just hanging out and a young lady starts to converse with you and you two are just enjoying your time out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I think if you make it a habit, then it may be a little questionable. Like now that same girl is coming around you more or you’re inviting her out or developing a rapport with her that leads her to believe she has an in with you. That’s when things may look a little fcked up from people who know you better and think more of you. Like for instance, if I were to start dating a younger man and bringing him around and telling people we are in a serious relationship, my friends would look at me crazy and pull me to the side and let me know in one way or another that’s not a good look for me (well, some of my friends would say this right in front of him) 😏. Even if I don’t say that I’m in a serious relationship with a young man, but I am bringing him around more, my friends are cool with me having fun, but being serious about someone who isn’t on my level is a red flag to them. And that’s because they know me and they don’t want me being stupid.

Thank you to the reader who shared her thoughts, I hope the rest of you do not take this post as a negative because I want you to weed through the undertones and find the positive message. But if you could not find anything positive, let me lead you…

Who doesn’t like a good bathroom selfie???

So here is my overall thought on this. If you are at a certain age and every now and then want to have fun like you did when you were younger, do it, but don’t blur the lines between the younger crowd and the crowd that is more your caliber, people who speak your same language, who have hit the same milestones you have, and who can better understand your ways or your personality because they have maneuvered through the same life’s hurdles and responsibilities. There’s times I have fun with the younger people but that’s as far as I take it, just a good time.

My mentees are in their 20’s and the stuff they talk to me about I can speak on because I’ve been there and done that. And even though my mentees are working on their degrees, have degrees, and are career focused, they still like to go out and party, sometimes I go with them, but most times I just do things that more equate to my lifestyle.

So ladies and gentleman whom are 35 years old and up, do what makes you happy, but be cognizant with the people or the crowds you keep in contact with, more importantly the younger crowds. Make sure those people are not minimizing your way of thinking or causing you to retract back to thinking like a 20 year old again or adopting their ways. You are beyond that 💖. And I’m sure you have countless stories to share. I know I do! Continue to embrace the knowledge you hold, it took time to gain all that. Your wisdom is a part of your greatness 💞. It’s your power don’t let some 20 year old take that from you because they are still developing their knowledge and power. ✨

Be careful out there.

Dream Lover

“Wanting a good lover and being a good lover is one in the same.”

I recently watched an interview with Keke Palmer, and she was talking about how she met her partner. And I instantly loved the story she told. She says they met casually at a party, and at that time, she wasn’t looking for anything serious, just someone to have a good time with and move on. But as they got to know each other, they started to realize they were a good match. Keke also says that personal growth contributed to her being ready for love and that when she was younger, she was attracted to a different type of man. But now, she's with a man who fulfills her wants. And I just applaud all of this. I hope they last a very long time.

So it got me to thinking, if I were to create a perfect lover, what type of man would he be? What qualities would he have?

I guess I would start off by wanting a man I meet naturally, like just casually out, and we meet each other that way. And I love it when men who are handsome but don't really know that they are handsome so they don’t act arrogant or full of themselves. I also like men who are a little shy, so they don’t know exactly what to say to a woman, but they are still confident enough to say something. But most importantly, I absolutely love a man who is funny and knows how to laugh even at himself. I like to be silly. Even when I sound serious, I still give some sort of sarcastic undertones. I want my lover to match my humor and start having inside jokes that only we get.

As far as his character, I want an honorable man who sticks by his word. And I want him to be meticulous about his ways where he doesn’t cause me to question the type of man he is. I'd like for my lover to be family oriented, supportive of his friends, contribute to his community, and still make time to see about me.

I need my lover to be a comfort but also a challenge. I want him to pull the best out of me and be open to me pulling the best out of him. I don’t want someone who throws in the towel after one disagreement. Even if we're at odds, I still want him to care about my well-being an not try to convince himself not to be good to me or communicate with me.

In the next few years, I'll be presenting my dissertation to various groups of people in different sectors of education, leadership, and government so I’m going to be collecting a lot of research. I would love for the man with whom I'm intimate with to show his support in some way whether it's him sitting in the crowd, encouraging me backstage, sending me a sweet message, or sending something nice to my house or my hotel to remind me that he's thinking of my and wishing me the best.

I don’t want a man who feels like he is being overshadowed by my ambitions and decides it too much for him, so he steps away from me. No, I want my lover to know that I will show up and show out for him, too. This is a mutual thing. I want to listen to his goals and insights and figure how I can help or support. I want us to speak the same language so we can understand each other and keep learning from each other even if we decide to stop being intimate.

I want my lover to be my friend. A good friend and a true friend. Not a friend who only considers me a friend when I do things that only appease him. But a friend who also sees where he could be a better friend to me and acts on it.

I want a lover to be able to look at me from across a room and know from my facial expressions if I need him to come next to me or not. Or he just looks over to let me know he's keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm okay.

But one of the things that makes me weak is chivalry. I love a man with gentlemanly traits and doesn't make me feel like I always need to be so independent. I don't know how to explain this but chivalry is an element of subtle dominance. And I love it when a man does things that allows me to completely be a delicate woman. Bring out my soft side. A good lover deserves that part of me and I want to be a good lover back.

Is this a lot to ask? Do men like this exist? Ugh. Let me just stay in my zone and keep minding my own business because I don't have the patience to ruin my pH balance for a man that's not at least 80% like this.

Be safe out there.

We Are Mosaics

“I'm feeling relaxed, blessed, and sexy. This is life.”

People are like mosaics, made up of countless pieces that come together to create our unique individual selves. One of the most significant influences on our individual mosaic is the people we spend time with or meet in passing. Our likes and dislikes are often shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, consciously or unconsciously. We might adopt the tastes of our closest friends or family members, whether it's music, food, or hobbies. On the other hand, we might actively reject certain things based on the experiences of those around us. However, even with all these shared pieces, we each have our unique mosaic, a one-of-a-kind collection of likes and dislikes that makes us who we are.

If you think about it, you’ve probably interacted with thousands of people in your life and the ones you remember are the ones that left some sort of impression on you. And sometimes those impressions teach us a thing or two.

Here are some things that make up my mosaic:

  • I do not leave the house unless I am presentable because my father once told me that first impressions make a big difference and you never know who you will meet when you leave your house.

  • The way I eat sushi was taught to me by one of my ex’s friend. He showed me certain techniques that I still do today.

  • I did not know I liked Indian food until I had a work lunch and my boss at that time ordered for me. Ever since then I make sure to order some of the same dishes.

  • When I do carry cash I put the lower amount bills on the outside because when I was an teenager withdrawing money from the teller an older man told me that’s how you should organize your money so people do not see how much money you really have.

  • One of my previous lovers told me that it is not attractive for a woman to throw herself on men or chase them, and that stuck with me.

  • There are certain songs that instantly make me smile because it reminds me of someone I care about or of someone I either loved or admired.

  • Titos and lemonade became my go-to cocktail because I was at a bar once and I did not know what I wanted to order but I wanted something light and refreshing. My friend suggested that drink and it’s been my choice ever since.

  • I stopped saying that I don’t require much or that I’m low maintenance because a friend told me it gives people the chance to treat less than I deserve.

People imprint themselves onto us and we hold on to the prints that make is feel good. The beautiful thing is that our mosaics are constantly being added to. And I can only hope I added some good things to those I've come across.

The Standard And Not The Standard

“Men these days want to be pursued like women.”

I've gotten a lot of questions a out the men from my last topic. Anytime I say "My Ex" I'm referring to the father of my children. And he is the only one true ex relationship, we shared a home together, our finances were linked, and we had children together. We were building a life together. And of all the 4 men, the ex, Chicago, Poppa, and Athlete, the ex is the only one that I meets my standard the least. Nothing about him has changed or improved. And I think its a combination of his environment and him being too comfortable in it and not having enough better thinking people to encourage him to do or be better. But hey, he has not been part of my worries for over 10 years, so he lives how he wants to, my kids are still thriving. That's what important in this scenario.

Standards are important, because you need to know what you're willing to accept and not accept. With Chicago, there’s a few things I cannot accept, but the main thing is his age. He can't empathize with all the things I have going on in my life because he hasn't reached that point yet. I want to be able to have critical conversations with someone I'm intimate with. I cannot do that with Chicago.

With Poppa and the athlete, there particular nuances about them that are somewhat similar to mine which you would think being alike is great and it can be, but at times the similarities can make it difficult to keep things balanced. I'm not the common woman, I have a portfolio of business and multiple income avenues. I manage those things everyday, plus my family and what the need of me, so I feel my time is just as valuable as any man's time who is doing the same things.

All of us have a minimum standard. And our standards can change depending of what we want vs. what we need. Our standards also change through different milestones we reach in life. We are not exactly the same person we were 15 or 20 years ago, right? Our core values may be the same, but our character has developed in that time in regards to how we act, what we think about, who we choose to entertain, and how we make decisions.

And part of having standards is also understanding you're too good for something and that you don't have to deal with someone's nonsense or what they decide to do. I don't like a man who gossips or talks badly about women. I don’t like a man who thinks he's always right. I don’t like a man who doesn't listen to my concerns. I don't like a man who doesn't have direction in life. And these dislikes shape my standards.

I don’t think anything that's worth it is easy, but I also don’t believe it should be a daily struggle either. Which leads to another standard I have which is communication. You've got to talk to me about things that may be bothering you, on your mind, or changes you want to make. For me, if we're playing in each other's bedsheets, the activities and interactions don't stop there. Sit down, relax, talk to me, even if it isn't about anything important, let's just hear each other's voices. That's the part of intimacy that keeps me interested.

I know how I have my life setup,i want to know how you have your life setup or in other words, your standards. I like to keep my personal spaces cleaned and organized, I'm very particular about that. It makes my feel calm when my space is clean and aesthetically pleasing.

Setting a standard is also saying you have requirements and limits. It may not be a lot, but you still have them. Otherwise you're for everyone and everyone is for you. And I'll tell you right now, I'm not for everyone and everyone is definitely not for me.

And ladies, please stop creating your stadards based on what other people tell you or what you see on social media. And stop comparing your relationship to what these so-called "love experts" say. Who tell you things like:

  • If he's not calling you everyday, he doesn’t care.

  • If he's too busy to text you then he's not the one.

  • If he really loves you he'll show you everyday.

  • He should be ignoring all other women for you.

Listen love is not one size fits all, what works for you works for you. Just be clear on your standards. Men this goes for you too, not every woman loves the same way. And you may feel different things for different women, and if that's how you want your life, then you need to get good at juggling or you need to decide who you want to focus more love to.

Be safe out there everyone.

Forever Doesn't Last A Long Time

“Foreva-eva?…eva-eva?”

I used to think it would be great if everything lasted forever, but now I believe in reality. Even if you are in a committed and long-term relationship, time passes so quickly that forever can seem so short and you're left with memories and if your relationship does withstand the test of time, then memories are the best attributes to your love for one another. But this isn’t about that…

Whether you are married, single, in between relationships, or just dating around, I think we can all agree that our emotions are unpredictable. What we feel today might not be what we feel tomorrow and changing our minds is at our discretion because it’s our emotions. The tricky element is someone else's emotions may not align with ours. And that’s where feelings get hurt. I wrote about change of hearts earlier this year where I mentioned that at any given moment a relationship can change course because of one or both people. And I think when that happens it's the result of wanting different things. You may have started out having the same visions, but eventually something shifts and if the person isn’t shifting in the same direction then the relationship begins to break.

Happy, Blessed & Highly Favored

I Love It Here.

I think with where I’m at in life I completely understand the concept of forever not lasting a long time. Say I decided to start something with Chicago (the young man who I met last year), I would already know going into it that it’s not going to be long-term. Even if I get so wrapped up into him, in the back of my mind, I’d still be cognizant that this love affair temporary. And let’s say for instance, the guy I call Poppa calls me up and suggesting we start getting close again. I’d have to chose who I want to have a love affair with because I won’t be with both if them. And just because I choose one over the other doesn't mean one is the better man because even with Poppa, I wouldn't go into it thinking it will last forever. So let’s say I choose Poppa and then out of nowhere the Athlete from my past pops up and wants to start spending time with me again. I’d have to make another decision between the two because if no man is contributing to my home in one way or another, I am a single woman. And it's the same for a man. We have no obligation towards each other except for our feelings. So in any event you have to decide how deep your feelings are for someone. And emotions can run strong. They can also run hot and cold. That's why I don’t like to have any expectations too high about anyone. I can love someone and not be with them because loving someone and being in love are two different characters.

Any man who I’ve been with, I don’t ever speak ill of them, I may mention things I didn't agree with, but I don’t strip a man of his qualities. I think right now, I just want to enjoy who I enjoy no matter how long it lasts, but I also want a heads up when feelings change and when our forever is coming to an end. I don’t like being left in the dark when it comes to that, but here’s the other side of it and ladies I know most of you hate my mindset about this. If I’m involved with someone and he has strong feelings for me, but when he goes out he makes little connections with other women my only requirement is don’t let those little emotions outweigh your feelings for me. Don’t let those situations effect how you act towards me. If your feelings are strong for me then protect that. Because I’m still firm on the fact if I’m fooling with you, then I’m for you and I’m going to protect my feelings for you too. This isn't one sided and it's not just about me, so I am going to give you the same love. If you feel differently about me then say it because that’s when I feel I am being played with, when a man isn’t honest about his feelings towards me.

I’m not going to go through a man's phone and nag him about where he's going and who’ll be around him. No, I chose peace. I’ll be honest with you, I used to be like that when I was with my ex. I chose chaos over peace, actually we both did and it just blew up so much that I had to walk away. And I’m not trying to say that I welcome a man to make a fool of me, no. I am just giving him the option to be careful with what he does when he's not with me OR he can choose to be sloppy and cause problems for us. But the biggest hurdle he’ll have with me is that my intuition is 99% on point. I can feel the slightest difference in someone's behavior, so he’s got to be a master at whatever he does when it comes to keeping our connection going.

When I’m around, those silly girls aren’t and they have no leverage over me and no one is trying to be in your face or push up on you. And you know who has spoiled me about that??? ALL OF MY GUY FRIENDS. Anytime I hang out with my guys, there may be some women looking their way or want to talk to them, and my friends may chat with them for a few minutes, but they don’t take their focus away from me. And I’ve never asked them to do that. And that might have made me overly confident, but why shouldn't I be? I’m not perfect, but I’m the only one who’s me. And I’m not sorry that my fellas set the bar high. Catch up. So if a man can't meet that requirement I have, then our forever is going to be very short. So forever-eva? Nah…maybe just forever-for-now.

Cougar-ish

“How long should a woman keep being selfish with her Hello Kitty?…And when does the “cougar age” begin?…Asking for a friend.” 😂

The last few months I have gotten so many messages from women telling me about their personal experiences with dating younger men. Some good and some not so good, but with all of the stories I read, ALL OF YOU NEED JESUS!

Thank you to all my willing and non-willing participants. - Love, Raya 😘

If anyone is new here, let me give you some background on why women are sharing their experiences. Last year, I met a young man whom is over 10 years younger than me. Nothing has developed other than a friendship because I let him know I cannot offer him anything more than just that. Every now and then, he tries to convince me otherwise, but I still stand my ground. He does have all the accolades of a man my age and older and I do love how he talks to me (he makes me blush sometimes with the things he says), the way he dresses could be a little better, but he’s 25 and he’s in that generation of questionable style, but he does have a beautiful smile, and very muscular…he’s a gorgeous young man, but I still will not let him have me. I even asked one of my guy friends what I should do with him and he told me that I don’t owe him anything and I have the upper hand so I can do whatever I want with him and not feel guilty about it. I think the guilty part is what keeps me from letting this young man pull my panties to the side. He’s from Chicago, so that’s what I will refer to him as.

But the stories that YOU LADIES shared with me…I feel like I need to take my brain out and wash it several times over because you are too much! But in each story, the ladies made it clear that the experience was purely for their pleasure and entertainment. Some of the women spoiled their young men, flew them out on trips, took them shopping, had them run errands, or do chores around the house….and I am just fascinated! I am capable of doing things like that for a man and I do not have issues spoiling a man, but it’s the thought of doing such things and when he cannot do the same for me is another thing I am stuck on. But Chicago is cable of treating me because he already has a professional career with a 401k and substantial savings…I still can’t give into him though.

One of you ladies suggested that I just try him out to see if this is something I can be comfortable doing. I’m like “try him out?” — He’s not a pair of shoes, he’s a person. He has feelings. I can’t just put him back on the shelf if it’s not a good fit. My guy friends tell me that if I do decide to do anything with him and I do not like the whole experience or vibe then I can just cut him off without explanation. Hey, I’ve mentioned plenty of times that my guy friends are a little unfiltered. And you know what I realized a few times when hanging out with them, I don’t think most of them know how old I am. I think they may presume I am close to their age because I connect with them very well and effortlessly, but realistically, most of the male friends I communicate with often average 8-14 years older than me. Some of them have asked me my age, but I never gave a straight answer.

“Bitties”

Dear Future Lover,

Treat me good and you will have it ALL.

As far as this whole idea of being involved with someone much younger, there is no convincing me that this is a good idea. Another woman shared that she was fooling around with a young one in college and even attended his graduation and went to his graduation party WHERE HIS FAMILY WAS AT!!! 😮 Yeahhh, I don’t want to meet any family, especially parents. Another woman shared that she went to her young lover’s baby shower, BABY SHOWER that was held at the expecting girl’s parents house! Of course I had so many questions for this devious woman! But what almost knocked my out of my chair was when she said that they had sex in the baby-momma-to-be bed while everyone was outside! I have no words. But you know what, I do like for a man I’m involved with to suggest risky things like that. 💦

From what I gathered from all of the ladies stories is that younger men want to please you because it boosts their ego and confidence to have an older woman so they are going to make more of an effort to give you what makes you happy, but they are still going to try to assert dominance because they don’t want to be treated like a child, so they may challenge you a bit…which I do not mind at all, I like for a man to put bass in his voice and check me sometimes 😼. They want you to know that they ARE grown men even though they are younger. Although, all of you ladies said in one form or another that the young ones still have their childish ways, but the good thing about being older is that you already have your life structured to how you want it, so you can close the door anytime if the young man isn’t entertaining anymore. — I’m like, Woooow, you women are COLD! 👀

I am still not convince that this is a route for me. Maybe in another 10 years, but I just cannot see myself in those kinds of situations. Chicago is just going to have to eventually move on or deal with me not giving in. 😌