The Side Effects Of Hate

May 19, 2023

“Popularity doesn't give you the same peace as solidarity.”

I only have 3 social media accounts: LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook. I use each platform for different purposes. LinkedIn is of course for work, school, and business related content. Instagram is just for fun and passing the time. Facebook is for family and people I grew up with. But with each platform, I see so much criticism, judgment, and just pure hate. I don’t entertain or join into any of than nonsense, but I always wonder what drives a person to just outwardly say nasty or disheartening things to other people? Like, you just wake up and choose to be mad? WHY? The the interesting thing is people who are like this most of the time live completely different lives than the people they dislike.

And really, it’s no different in our actual lives too. Have you ever encountered people who don’t like you for things that you have no control of? What I have experienced more is people having an issue with me because of someone else’s feelings or opinions. And it’s more often women not liking me because I am friends with a man they like or they assume a man will like me more. Sadly, this is one of the main reasons why I hang out with my guy friends more so than I do with my girl friends because women are just very catty and most women like to travel in groups together whereas, I like to come and go by myself.

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My two best friends are sort of similar, they don’t really have too many girl friends, as a matter of fact they are not even friends with each other. Growing up, I mixed in with all the different clicks in school and my two besties were in different clicks. They don’t have any issues with each other, they just never hang out together and I became close to each of them separately. And what I love about these two women is that they are not the gossip types or whispering behind peoples back or trying to convince people not to be friends with other people. My besties are solid and they know that I make friends everywhere so when I do get the chance to spend time with them, they keep an eye out for the people around me to make sure people don’t get out of hand with me. They don’t instigate or start trouble, they just keep it from happening and deescalate any issues if necessary because we are all adults and have a lot to lose if shit hits the fan. I learned that people who don’t have their priorities right or do not have too much going on in their lives don’t care about securing their comfort or livelihoods. Oh, but trust me, my friends will throw hands if they have to. — We just don’t make that the first or only option.

But it is very unfortunate that I get more discrimination from women than I do from men. I think this has a lot to do with their own personal insecurities and inadequacies. I am doing great in life, yes my responsibilities have conditioned me to be a certain way with a certain type of temperament, but I never digress from wishing or wanting other people to do great in life too. I am always encouraging people to achieve their goals and level up. I am also aware that my goals are not the same as the next person, for example, I never wanted roommates and I never wanted to work at a place that was not career oriented and did not encourage upward mobility. Someone else may be okay with sharing a space with someone else and staying at the same positions for many year without a promotion or substantial raise. I know in some industries, you can have the same title, but receive good raises each year or commissioned based careers. The great thing about my professional skill set is that is useful in any field of business and there is no limit to how much I can earn. I think a goal everyone should have is to be fiscally responsible; where it does not matter if you are making 45k a year or 145k a year, but if you are not smart with your money, it will never be enough. Although again, I am aware that everyone does not have the same wants as I do, but at the very least, you should not be stuck and just accepting it or praying for someone else to change your situation and then discrediting certain people because you feel threatened or intimidated.

I know I have mentioned plenty of times before that when I hang out with my guys it can look like we are together because we are laughing and being engaged in each others conversations, but that’s just how me and my fellas are; from those who I grew up with to the ones I became close to in the last few years. For instance, my one guy friend from childhood is all about me when we see each other, which is about once a year or less. If we are hanging out somewhere, he always makes sure to look over at me and ask if I’m good or if I need anything even if he has a lady friend with him, he’ll make sure I’m comfortable before anyone else. Because the one thing we should all keep in mind is no matter how many sweethearts or lovers we have whether they are long term or short term, our good friends are still there and we should not mistreat them to appease someone else.

I tell my friends that if a man gives me an ultimatum about my friendships with people, then he’s got to go. He doesn’t have to be friends with my friends, but he’ll have to learned that my friends have seen me through a lot and I’m not going to cut them off because he feels threatened. And if a man is around long enough, then he will learn that I am a loyal lover, but I am a loyal friend too. He will have not have to worry about anyone else bedding me if he is my romantic partner. None of my close guys friends are confused of my friendship with them, they know exactly where I stand and vice versa. So if any man that I may become involved with has an issue with my guy friends, I’ll hear him out, but he will not sway me to stop being friends with any of them. I’ll let him know if I am going to hang out with them, because even though I won’t accept ultimatums, I still want him to know there is nothing sneaky going on. Here’s the thing, if me and a guy are not married, we do not have kids together, or we do not share a living space together or share any finances together, then respectfully we still have our own individual lives apart from each other. I will make a point to reassure him that I’m his and loyal to him, but he’s not going to change my mind about people who have been here way before him.

I also don’t like non-humorous pettiness, like don’t come to hang out with me and my friends to be shady towards them all to prove that I’m with you. If I’m going home with you, then there is no reason for a man to be rude or disrespectful towards any of my friends. You can still show that I am with you by being attentive to me and showing love to my friends, but don’t be standoffish to anyone in my circle. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll most likely already notice it and do what I can to accommodate a man, but don’t ever start problems with the people I love.

Hate is bad energy and it can bleed into other parts of our lives and affect our decisions and how we treat people. It can also cause us to distance ourselves from people without valid reasons other than the fact we are going off of biased judgments. We do not have to be friends, but we also do not have to tear each other down. Hate takes away from who we can or should be. It’s one of those things where you have to think, “Is this the type of person I want to be or show people?”

“If you can’t be a good friend to a woman because you're afraid of upsetting a broad you aren’t living with, then both of you are the problem.” 🤷🏽‍♀️

Talk To Me With Bass

May 16, 2023

“Are you still fooling with clowns or do you need me to come get you?” - Love, Raya 😘

Thank you to all those who have sent me birthday wishes so far. I’ve been celebrating since May 1st and we are only half way through! I’m not going out everyday, the main difference from my usual routines is when I stay in, I make myself some drinks and turn on a movie or show instead of keeping my laptop open and doing work after 5pm. By the way, have you watched “Life of Otto” yet with Tom Hanks? He’s one of my favorite actors. The movie isn't fast pace or has any action in it. It’s more sentimental and shows the phases of losing someone close and feeling empty, but it also shows the importance and impact of transferring love to other parts of your life. It’s well worth watching.

DISCLAIMER: This topic is NOT work friendly. Make sure to have your headphones in and that your Bluetooth is not connected to the conference room.

My two best friends and I have conversations about this often and we were all raised in the same area so they completely understand when I say that I when a man talks to me with bass in his voice especially when he's trying to put me in my place or handle me a certain way. 😍

A man who can leave me speechless is such a turn on, because you're not physically dominating me, you're mentally challenging in a way that makes me reflect on how I'm acting I find that so attractive. For instance, one time my young friend and I were going somewhere to just hangout and he said he was bringing his gun with him. Where we were going had a very strict weapons policy and I told him he couldn't do that and that I didn’t want to have any issues getting in. He said it was going to be fine and we went back and forth for a little bit until he finally just said with a firm tone: “Listen, I’m bringing my gun. We won’t have any problems. So stop fussing at me!” - (My nipples got excited with that 😆) I didn't say anything more about and sure enough, we got to the place, there was a whole team of law enforcement at the front and he walked up to them, I stayed back, but a few minutes later, it was like Remy Ma and Fat Joe where they just let him walk around the metal detectors…’cuz ain't no reason to check us. And at that moment, I thought to myself, this kid just keeps impressing me and I really need to keep myself away from him, but I know one thing for damn sure, no one will fck with me when he’s around! I will be fully protected.

The Effort Series

Momma was outside on Mother’s Day!…P.S. This is how I’m going to look at a man who can handle me with grace and with bass. 💦

I don't know what it is, I just love a man that's a MAN. Who knows how to treat me as a woman, like I am important to him. I know we are all busy especially those of use who have more than just ourselves to manage and especially men who have a lot on their minds, so I notice when men take time to acknowledge me like sending me a nice message, wishing me a good day, or a great weekend, things like that, but a man who also knows how to talk to me when I’m being a little too much or when I’m talking shit. A man who doesn't avoid me or insult me or tries to prove something to someone else by acting poorly towards me. A man who still see me as me and remembers that my strong personality sometimes needs the right temperament. Instead, he suppresses my dominant demeanor because he understands the patience and firmness I need so he asserts his own dominance to make me revert back to my feminine attributes. Like he lets me be who I am, but he puts me right back in my place as a woman. A man who says something like, “Okay, keep acting up, but when I get over there you better cut it out.”

One of my bestfriends told me that the longer I go without being with a man who can handle me, the more aggressive and out of control my attitude becomes 🤣. So she's going to pray for the man who gets that chance to try. And my other best friend thinks I should move back north and get me a Philly, Jersey, or New York man. 😂 Listen, I’m not going to downplay it, I do have a certain assertive attitude mainly because I worked hard to get to where I am at. I’m up at the top shelf and if a man is at the bottom shelf, we don’t speak the same language, no matter how attractive he may be. And men should have the same mindset as well, there is a lot of beautiful women out here, but all of them don’t have the same tenacity. If she’s at the bottom shelf and she’s hustling just to stay at the same place she started from, then she’s not husting, she’s just getting by. And any man that I have been involved with, if he starting dealing with a woman who isn’t at the same level in life as me or higher, then he didn’t upgrade, he just settled for something easier. And I’m sorry if I sound cocky, but again I worked hard to get where I’m at and my confidence will definitely outshine many people. So I need for someone to match my energy and not be unsure of it. Any man that I used to be intimate with and it did not work out for whatever reason, I would still want him to meet someone with high accolades or better.

Because if you’re not doing better, then what are your really doing? — Getting your 🍆 wet?

In which case, have your fun sir! 😜

And it’s not just the sense of him knowing how to settle me, I also like it for a man to make me nervous in a flirtatious way. Like if he knows he’s being charming and says something…maybe sexual that makes me blush or makes me turn away so he doesn't see me smiling. Every now and then I may say something risky to a guy and one of the besties said I need to stop doing that because a man will get tired of a woman playing games with him and these are her words, “If you’re not planning to drop off those titties and that puss to him, then stop teasing before he comes to snatch you.” 🤣 (Shiiit….I might like that. That might be just what I need. 🫠) - But just to be clear, I don’t say suggestive things to every man, I say them to men who I know won’t expect me to act on anything, even then I know that's not fair, so trust me I don’t do it often.

I do have my standards, I don’t just give myself to anyone and there's not a lot of men who can't say they've had me. Generally, if a man smells good, dresses like he has a professional career, he's funny, is a gentleman, I do find that attractive even if I don’t act on that attraction, BUT if he knows how to handle me and talk to me with bass…Ladies, my Hello Kitty is going to be like, “Okay heffa, it’s time to stop being selfish and let this Niagara fall!” 💦

Confidence + Dominance + Cockiness = I Assume Whatever Position You Want 😽

Please Him Too

May 12, 2023

“Rare breeds are just rare, they don’t have to announce it.”

Before I get into the topic I want to share this really quick. I know I am late on this, but I recently did a binge on the BelAir. The show is a newer version of Fresh Prince, but instead of a comedy, it’s a drama which is what made me hesitant to get into it in the first place. I feel like there are too many drama shows these days and I didn't want to be disappointed with this show….like the second season of Harlem with Meagan Good. Anyway, I loved watching Fresh Prince after school. It was wholesome and funny. And I did enjoy this newer version in a more critical thinking kind of way. I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it yet. The first few episodes I was a little skeptical, but I stuck with it and the characters became exactly what I expected of them. Even though these are fictional people it’s still based off of real human emotions, circumstances, and tough decision making strategies. You see, regardless of backgrounds, race, and generations, human behaviors are the same everywhere. The difference is how we express and manage our behaviors and much of the scenarios in this show was slightly predictable to me, and one of my strengths and weaknesses is that fact that I am very observant of people and how they operate, but still the show was entertaining nonetheless. If you haven't watched it, I do suggest giving it a chance.

The Effort Series

Some of my friends tell me that they’ve never seen me in casual attire or even pants. Lol.

Now, on to the topic…

I wasn't sure how I wanted to talk about this topic so it's been sitting in my drafts for months now. Usually, when we talk about “pleasure” it’s mainly referring to sex. I decided this isn’t going to be about sex. Sorry if that’s what you were expecting, but I’m going to discuss something more valuable.

DISCLAIMER: Men, please don’t think I’m taking anything away from you with some of the things I’m going to say, for instance, you're egos make you more delicate than women. Let me explain. It’s considered normal and accepted for women to talk about their issues, flaws, and setbacks. The same grace isn't given to men, so all that just builds up and any puncture to a man's ego can set him off, maybe not in a huge way, but in a way that he may do things that don’t cast him in the best light.

I pay attention to things like this. I also know when men are intimidated by me. They move differently and talk to me differently and most of the time they hold themselves back from saying or doing what they want to say to me because they cannot predict how I may receive them. Even a confident man can be intimidated, I’ve experienced this first hand.

So ladies, in this topic of pleasing him too, it's more about paying attention to the man that he shows you and being gentle to the weakness he doesn't talk about. This doesn't mean allowing someone to make you foolish, but rather engage with his personality type and give just enough grace to his flaws that he feels comfortable and accepted around you. Don't forget about your feelings in the process, but also don’t give ultimatum or make compromises that don’t serve you too. Instead, acknowledge his needs in conjunction with your own and be clear with what you're willing to do to accommodate both of you. A mature man will want to discuss those accommodations, see that your willing to understand him, and give you equal affections.

In any kind of relationship, there will be peaks and valleys, but relationships that last long-term display acts of unselfishness, compromise, grace, and an equal understanding of each other’s individual lives, responsibilities, and stresses that come along with being well…an adult.

Pleasing a man is identifying that the same sort of things that make you happy can also make him happy, like asking about his day, embracing him when you see him, and speaking with him without scrutiny and criticism (outside of talking sh*t, because I’ll aways do that so a man can't get sensitive when I’m going in on him. 🤣) All joke aside, pleasing him is about not treating him how society treats him, but showing and giving him the love he needs so he can be the best man he is capable of being. But fellas, don’t think that just because a woman is loving you right that there is nothing you should be doing different or more of. If we are not improving, we are staying stagnant, and no one wants a connection that isn’t thriving.

To Be A He Or Not To Be A He?

May 5, 2023

“Sometimes we gotta do bald-headed hoe sht.” - (😂 My friends just say anything to me, but I was never one of the girls who was grinding on a man at the club. Or bending over to shake my a**. This generation is the generation that seeks validation on being seen and the men want to be treated like women.)

Some of my friends are starting to get on me about putting myself out there. I told them I went on a few dates some months ago, but I guess that doesn’t count because I really wasn’t into to who idea in the first place. But, my thing is, WHAT AM I PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE FOR? Half these men come with bullsh*t while the other half want to take advantage of that fact that I am busy and laidback. Okay, just because I do not have a lot of time to spare and that I am very easy-going doesn’t mean I’m just going to accepted any type of treatment. Now remember one of the gems that my friend told me to start putting into my daily affirmations? “I AM THE CATCH” ‼️ So yeah, you’re not going to treat me as if I’m a second-hand discounted option.

The Effort Series

This was taken in 2015. If nothing else, one thing I’ll always do is show some THIGHS & LEGSSSS!

I prefer someone who I’m comfortable with, who knows my personality, who won’t get upset when I’m not available, who I can go grab food with or cook with, and someone who I can just sit with and enjoy his company even if we aren’t doing anything. I feel like that’s simple, but it may still be a tall ask for some men. Remember when I was mentioning the guy I refer to as “Poppa” and how when we want to be alone, we kind of shut off the world around us and it can seem like we are being distant when really, that’s just how we like to decompress sometimes and reflect on things. I don’t want a guy to misinterpret that and think I’m off doing something with another man, yes I do have guys friends and I do hang out with them time to time, but if I am being intimate with you, then you are the only person I am intimate with. Like, I would love for a man to come volunteering with me or meet some of my mentees and give them some wisdom for his perspective. 👀

The question is, should I put myself out there and entertain multiple men? One of my friends told me that if a man isn’t asking me to be his girlfriend that I need to go all dates with all the different men who are interest in me. But I feel like that brings down my stock. And the more ahead in life I am, the more my stock goes up. If I make myself available to any man then what does that say about my value? 👎

In my eyes, to be intimate with someone is also to be very vulnerable with them, physically and emotionally. And I am very strict about who I am vulnerable with. Plus, do you ladies remember when I talked about our pH Balance and how sexual partners effect that? Yeah, I like my pretty kitty to be healthy. 💦 As of right now, I could drive 30 minutes to an hour away from my front door and I can count LESS than five fingers how many men I have been intimate with. Listen, I take pride in that; my Hello Kitty is precious, any man who has had the privilege to lay with me should feel special, because I don’t just give it up to any one. 💦

So no, by today’s definition, I cannot be a hoe. I’ll sit and spark up a conversation with anyone, but not anyone can have me. So if you were to see me sitting next to a man laughing and enjoying my time, it doesn’t not mean I am sleeping with him or have a romantic interest in him. I think that’s the main reason I like hanging out with my guy friends because with them, I have a male presence, they enjoy me and I enjoy them, but nothing occurs after the night is over.

And I do not have anything against women being sexually free with men, you know what you want. Especially with how social conventions have shifted with the boom of social media apps and reality tv, everyone wants to be seen and exposed and they always want to show what they are doing or tell their friends about it. That’s all fine and dandy, but hey, I know what I want too and that’s not how I want to be. I have a great social personality, but for the most part, I like to be more simple and low-key, so the hoe life ain’t for me. 😶‍🌫️

Acts of Service

April 28, 2023

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

Old Sitcom Loves

April 22, 2023

“I will never go hungry, I just don’t accepted everything that’s offered to me.”

“I am impressed by a man who shows me he has good values.”

I've been watching 80s and 90's sitcoms lately and noticed how cute the interactions are with two people who like each other. Saying sweet things to each other, giving each other compliments, and offering to help and support. It may sound corny, but I remember getting butterflies over a high school crush. And I'm wondering if I could have that feeling again. But let me not confuse you guys, I still cannot dedicate myself to a relationship, I would just like to have that little cutesy feeling and some innocent flirting.

The Effort Series

I do not remember what year this was, but boy I LOVE embracing femininity!

Do you remember how you were in high school? You know like how you might get nervous to talk to someone so you're a little shy but you don't want to say the wrong things so you might stumble over your words and be a little awkward.

Please don't judge me. And let me be honest with you guys, I do get nervous and somewhat awkward when someone compliments me. I just don't know how to take compliments because I feel like I never know if it's genuine or not or if they're just saying it because it sounds good to say.

Ugh...I just would like to have sweet moments where a guy makes me smile and just feel good about everything...and then let me go off to study. I need to get this degree first! Penis is not my priority, but I still want a guy to be there for me. Is that selfish? Like, I'd comfort him too, maybe make out a little? Yeah, I sound super corny, I just can't give all of myself to anyone right now.

But if I were to keep being honest with myself, I do like it when a man surprises me. Not with flowers or gifts, but shows me the type of character he is. I get very impressed if I find out a man involves himself in community service, coaches a kids sports team, or mentors the youth. I FCKN LOVE IT. We can work, then bs and party, but I love it when a man does things beyond himself and shows me that he has a very good heart. And in these sitcoms you see the characters go through life lessons and learn from their mistakes. I love seeing growth in a man. I love knowing a man identifies his issues and makes a conscious effort to do better. A man like this has good morals and values and a man like this would be a blessing to my life.

Convos With The Fellas

April 13, 2023

“My latest whip, my latest chick both foreign…I ain't left the city once, still travel abroad.” - J. Cole

I reference my guy friends frequently. We talk about all things from social bs to business bs and they are very unfiltered with me, which I greatly appreciate. Here are some insightful tidbits from conversations I have had with the fellas:

I AM THE CATCH: My friend and I were talking about dating and he said if he dates a woman who has not accomplished some of the same things he has, then HE IS THE CATCH. In summary, he said: “If that girl is a sales clerk, working at McDonalds, or waiting tables, she can’t fuss at me about anything I’m doing because I AM THE CATCH. You just worry about making sure people get their food on time. And if you ask me if I am talking to other people, YES TF I AM, because you don’t match me. You ain’t bring nothing to the table, I am the table.“ — Now, ladies, please don’t be hard on my boy here or me because I completely agree with him, if you’re not matching me in what I’ve got going on in my life then Yeah, you just worry about you. And if you are working in retail that’s not a bad thing if that’s the field you want to stay in and you’re moving up to be in management or own your own store or even work in luxury stores like Chanel, that’s great. That is a goal! It’s the same if you are working in the restaurant or bar business and you are learning to move up in the industry. Baby, you do that! One of my favorite bars I go to, with some of the bartenders that’s their passion and skill, some of them are in school and just making some pocket money, and other are learning the field to start their own businesses. There is nothing wrong with that, just have a vision and make the move to make is a reality.

AGE GAPS: This is actually a common topic with most of the fellas mainly because they are of a certain age, but they are still attractive to younger women because they are handsome AND because of the first bullet point: They ARE the catch and listen, I would not want any of my guy friends making a fool of himself chasing after a child that’s not their own, what sense does that make? And all of my guys have said these something similar to this: “WTF am I going to talk about with a 25 year old? If we are just hanging out at the lounge that’s one thing, but there’s no reason to take it further than that.” One of the fellas said, “These girls talk too much and bring around their friends and they sit and gossip and be petty with each other and trying to be Instagram models and dancing on TikTok, you can keep that over there.” — Again, I agree with my guys. But the funny thing is, they also know about the 25 year old that’s been trying to get me and they all tell me to go have my fun with him and then send him home because apparently when they were all younger, they fooled with older women and said that experience taught them a few things about how grown women like to be and do things.

There Is No Reason For You To Not Be Successful: Now you already know I agree with this. One of the fellas said, “You have the internet where you can learn anything you need to make money, ain’t no reason for anyone to be broke and struggling.” He is so right. If you’re in college or just starting to work, yes it’s going to take time to make the money you want, but if you’re getting older and still relying on other people to get you right, then baby, you are a DEPENDENT and going back to point 1. I Am The Catch and you need to focus on building yourself up to be the catch too.

“I’m Going To Tell The Truth Because I Can Deal With The Consequence”: Two of the fellas have told me that they are very honest with women and their intentions. They let them know they are dating around or talk to other people. If they are out with one woman and another woman they are seeing comes around, they don’t ignore her, they will get up and greet her and show her love. And if it starts to get uncomfortable they will take the time to speak to each woman separately and be honest about what is going on with the other woman. — Ladies, with this one it is kind of a hard pill to swallow because there is not a large pool of decent men who mark off all the things we are looking for and when we do find that man our naturally instinct is not to want to share him and I said that to both of these guys. If I really like someone, I don’t want to see him with another woman regardless if our situation is casual or not, but I understand their point of view too and they both have said that they don’t go to the same place with the different woman so it limit the chances of running into each other and having any issues. So they do make a conscious effort to keep their ladies separate from one another.

“Hoes Balance Society”: These are the wise words from one of craziest fellas. He says look, you can be married, dating, focused on work and have a lot of things going on, but every now and then you just need to let loose, drink, fck, do some crazy shit, and get home safe. I love this man.

Don’t Bring Any Corny Dudes Around Us: Now this one is specifically for me. They strong on me not dealing with any nonsense from any man. Because no. 1, they are guys so they know how other guys are. No. 2, they are going to size him up to make sure he is good enough for me and No. 3, regardless if he is good enough for me or not the fellas are still going to hug on me, be fresh with me, talk shit to me and be how they normally are with me so if I man I bring around a man, he’s going to have to be very confident, otherwise he’s going to be upset with me and assume that I have something is going on with one of the guys. Yeah, I’m just not going to bring anyone around them. And they told me that I better not be on any dating apps. Another funny thing is if I am out with one of them and they see a guy trying talk to me but the guy doesn’t seem up up to their standard or my standards they will act like my man. The last friend I hung out with he went to the bathroom and another man came up to him and asked if I was with him. So I guess my friend knew he wasn’t for me told the dude, “Yeah, that’s my wife.” And this type of thing has happened a few times where one of the fellas will block a guy from talking to me because they knew it would be a waste of time for me.

One of the main reasons I love these guys is because they tell me how it is, they don’t water anything down for me, there is no bs-ing with them, and they are so supportive of me living how I want. So yeah, those are my fellas. I rock with them.

Codename: "Poppa"

April 8, 2023

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

**We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.**

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

**We always let things happen as they needed to.**

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Northern vs. Southern Men

April 1, 2023

“Peace & Tranquility: When you have good energy, you want to transfer good energy to others, otherwise you could be closing out on something that you may still need to reflect upon.”

Before I start, I’d like to say “Hi” to a special reader/listener. I don’t take this person as someone who relishes in gossip, so I do not presume that someone is coming to my site to check what I’m doing just to tell someone else about it. So HELLO, my love!

The Effort Series

Even when I am casually out, I try to make a point to be stylish.

I also want to mention that with anything I write or say I do not claim to be right, I am just giving my reflection of an idea or experience. My intimate experiences are not the same as my platonic experiences and when you can identify the difference between the two, you can identify the variations in how you communicate with people depending on your current status with them. We do speak with people we are intimate with differently than how we speak to people we are not intimate with, correct? And you want to practice pulling the positive things through instead of highlighting the negatives, otherwise those not so great thoughts take over how to respond to certain people. And if you believe you are a good person who is at a good place in life, then you look for the light in all things instead of the darkness; don’t pick and choose when you want to have a good heart; have a good heart.

Let’s get on to the topic….

I’ve been inundated with messages about my comparisons between northern and southern men. Again, I want to make it clear that I am not saying all men are like this, I am only reflecting on my intimate experiences with some men. And someone mentioned something to make that makes a little sense why the two regions of men may act differently towards women. With the southern men, the hospitality stems from seeing women as child bearers, house wives, and caretakers, so being delicate towards them is imprinted into their demeanors because woman “subconsciously” are not seen as equals to southern men, whereas the northern men see women on the same level as them and challenge them just as much as they challenge other men. Hmmmm…I thought that was an interesting perception and wanted to share it with you all.

I don’t want to be seen as lesser than someone, but I also don’t want to be mishandled. With my relations with northern men, they talk to me as if I was a man too because they talk to me knowing that I can understand and comprehended at their same level. My intimate relations with southern men, some of them have spoken to me in a patronizing manner as if I am not smart or capable of breaking down complex ideas. It has more been the notion, “this is what I said and I don’t care what your input is”…that’s the thing I resent the most. I am a highly intelligent woman with a list of accolades, don’t talk to me like a child because I am very slick with my words and can say things that you rethink all of your life choices.

But if we are talking about how to handle a woman, with certain women, they like to be told and not asked. I’m not talking about in a work or professional setting, I am talking about in intimate or even casual settings. For instance, I am going to bring up the 25 year old again. One time he told me he wanted to see me and then further told me where he was going to be and what time he wanted to see me there, he did not ask. I FCKN LOVE WHEN A MAN PHRASES THINGS LIKE THIS TO ME. But as I said before, he is young and I am not going to tread in those waters. Should I also mention that he is originally from Chicago? I mean, it does kind of support my argument. I don’t like when men tiptoe what they want with me. Fam, if you want to see me or hang out, then say it! Don’t let your pride stop you from experiencing good times with me! Plus, there was another time where I didn’t respond to the young man’s messages and calls for a few days and when I finally answered, the first words out of his mouth were: “What you don’t answer anyone anymore?!” His tone wasn’t aggressive, it was more letting me know that he was a bit irritated that I was ignoring him and he just wanted to know how I was doing. I appreciate that type of expression because most men hold things in. I like to know when I do something that does not cast me in the best light, but know how to relay the information to me without being disrespectful or condescending.

The Effort Series

Personal style is exactly what it states: PERSONAL. I like to spin looks that match my mood and energy.

The trick is knowing how to handle a certain type of women when she is being stubborn or getting besides herself. That’s the big difference with how northern and southern men react. Don’t hurt me, but identify that I am upset about something and let me know you are trying to hear me. Northern men have told me to STFU, called me Bitch, Dumbass, and all of the above in the heat of the moment when there is an issue, and those things didn’t hurt my feelings because I was saying the same things back to them and they also knew it was just the heat of the moment. I want to keep making it clear that I am not saying this is right or that it is healthy, I am just identifying the difference of what catches my attention. When I am upset, sometimes you need to handle me with bass. Being too soft with me can interpret a few things to me, 1. You don’t care why I am upset and don’t want to make it better. 2. You lack emotional intelligence. 3. You’re an asshole that is hiding behind being a gentleman thinking your are doing some type of justice. Listen, I’ve had men just give me a tight bearhug just to shut me up and whisper to me to “relax and calm down so we can talk about this” and sometimes I need just that.

Sidebar to my secret reader, I hope you’re paying attention to all of this.

There are great things about both northern and southern men, but as I mentioned in a previous topic, I’d love to have a mix of both. Be gentle with me, but know how to assert dominance when I’m being rough without making things worse.

Continuous Growth

March 27, 2023

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

So Unattractive

March 21, 2023

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

I’m Dating A Married Man

March 13, 2023

“If you’re not with her and she’s still on your mind when no one is bringing up her name, she’s still in your heart.”

Before I start, let me share something with you all. So the other day, someone says to me, "All you're worried about is work and your degree." And oh did I have a response. I'll just summarize it for you. - What should I be worried about, fam?! I'm not some broad working an entry-level job, making just enough and with roommates to split the bills with. I've never collected unemployment and never accepted that to be an option for me and as a matter of fact and I don’t even remember the last time I got a tax refund. And when people were getting those covid relief funds, I didn't qualify for it. So if me being focused on work and school is an issue to someone, then baby your hustle ain't the same as mine. What would you rather me do, watch reality shows and talk about what the celebrities are doing or get into other people’s business? You can get out of my face with that underdeveloped mindset.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and a man isn't one of them. I have my guy friends who I speak with from time to time and who I also try to hang out with when schedules permit, but they have their lives too. So again, no man in my mix other than my son. But you ladies send me the most interesting stories sometimes. The ones that I get the most are about being in relationships with married men. Now I don't judge and frankly, I'm not even surprised. The more you experience life, the less shocking things are.

One of you ladies sent me a message that sat with me a little. This lady shared that she's been in a 5 year relationship with a man who's been married for 6 years. She tells me that he has 6 year old twins which is the main reasons for his marriage. In addition to this, she's known this man for 8 years and they always had an weakness for each other. And even with his marriage and his kids, they couldn't resist still seeing each other. I don't think there's a man in my life that I can't resist. And in the same breath, I don't know there's a man who can't resist me or maybe there is and he just keeps his distance. But that's a messy situation to be in, to be emotionally involved with someone who can't or won't completely be with you.

I would have told the reader to just have her fun because I do know of people who get involved without any serious attachments. Like my one friend, he loves his wife and children but he does do some extra things outside of his family. Even though I don’t agree with all of that, I admire that he is very upfront with the other women. He lays out his boundaries which then puts the decision on the woman to decide if she is okay with his conditions or not. I’ve seen him do this and I’ve known him a fair amount of years to know that if a woman were to claim that my friend told her things like he was going to leave his family for her, I’d know that would be a lie because he doesn’t talk like that and he doesn’t carry himself like that. There’s another friend I have who has been married a long time too that if a woman made claims that he was inappropriate with her, I’d called her a lying whore because I know my friend and he would never do anything offensive towards a woman. Look, I stand by my friends, especially the men who take care of their homes and families regardless of any extracurricular activities they may be involved in.

The Effort Series

This is actually a photo from a few weeks ago. I bought this dress because I liked the color, not because I had anywhere to wear it to. Many of the things in my closet are random buys like this one.

But, as for the reader who sent me the message, it seems like her heart is really invested in this man and this relationship. And it must be painful to love someone who goes home to his wife and children every night. Girl, I don't know what to tell you and I don’t how you're doing it. I could say so many feminist things like, just find you someone else, stop being stupid, you're better than this, let that man have his wife....but I know love and infatuation is complicated and you won’t let go of that man until you’re ready to do so. I have had friends who’ve gotten involved with people I knew were not a good fit for them, but I didn’t say anything because they wouldn’t have heard me…I have friend like this now who I’m secretly questioning their choices. They needed to see it for themselves and the best thing I could do was to just keep being supportive of them. Plus, I have my own demons with the men I've loved, so I really can't tell anyone who they can and cannot want. And I don’t know anything about the man’s marriage and we all know everyone’s marriage works differently. As for you, my lovely reader, I do wish you the best in this situation and hope you end up with a man who wants to come home to you and call you his wife.

We can't save ourselves from being hurt and keep making the decision that cause us to hurt, but we can always try to be happy. The question is, can with live with happiness that's at the expense of someone else?

Reader Input: Seeing Someone?

March 7, 2023

“If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself or uncomfortable situations, your soul needs adjusting.”

I like to read a lot, not just for study, but just for leisure and I’ve noticed many authors insert themselves into their stories in one way or another. Now, I am not claiming to be an author, but I do share pieces of my life with you guys. For instance, the other day I was sitting at the bar doing work…yes, I am that type of square. Hey, someone will appreciate my hustle…anyway, I was writing in my notebook and a friend came up to me to say hi. This same friend is someone I made attempts to call to check on him and left my calls unanswered and when I mentioned it to him, you wanna know what this man said to me???? — “I was in my zone.” — Now, I didn’t say what I wanted to say, because I wanted to say, “Oh so you didn’t respond to your other friends either? Or you just had an issue responding to me?” Nope, I kept it pleasant and accepted the answer he gave me. But, this mthrfckr (and I say that with love, because I have nothing against him) but this mthrfckr was really trying to downplay how well we know each other. So I’m like okay, sir, tell me what you want to, I hope that answer made you feel good, I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I was just taken back with that excuse. I’m in my zone too, but I still reach out to people.

Anyway, that’s not the topic here. The topic is one from last month where a reader shared their thoughts on. In the post called “Are You Seeing Someone” we talked about how people don’t share if they are involved with someone and some reasons why they don’t want people knowing they are involved. Remember, there is a difference between not talking about your relationship vs. not admitting you are in a relationship. So the reader gave me a scenario to put myself in. Say I was intimate with someone but, did not tell people or certain people, what would be my reason? And the reader claims one of the main reasons is that I would be keeping the opportunity open for someone else and that I am really just passing the time with the person I am currently intimate with. And this made me think: Is this the underlying reason for us to keep some people a secret? Because we are anticipating for something to happen with someone else?

Now, I am still being selfish with myself….yeah, none of those dates went anywhere…and I’m okay with that, but let’s say for example I become intimate with the 20 something I told you guys about (I’m sorry if you guys are getting annoyed with hearing about him, but’s he’s the only one who has put aside his pride and consistently expressed that he wants me, and I do admire that in any man.) I already know it’s not going to be anything serious because I cannot give him all that he wants, so if a man of my level comes into my life, would I be more likely not to share with him that I have a lover so that I don’t risk him becoming distant from me? It does seem logical, even though it is not completely the right thing to do. I think it’s a matter of chances. Do I chance telling him I am sleeping with someone even though it’s not serious, in hopes that he may become serious with me? So then I would be in a sort of triangle playing with people’s emotions. — I cannot do that.

Why is this so complicated? See this is why I still think a “Homie-Lover-Friend” is the best option for me, but the only problem is all my homies are deeply involved or firmly married and I don’t get in between things like that or I have certain boundaries with some of them that I will not cross. But I also have to be honest with myself. With all that I have going on, can I really give enough attention to a relationship right now? Honest answer: NO. I mean, I just told you guys I was working at the bar. There’s big projects I’m overseeing with work and I have my own project I’m developing for school, not to mention my family dynamics and my first born going off to college in the fall, so I’d really need someone not to feel slighted or unwanted when I am on tunnel vision or when I’m giving my attention to other things.

And I want to be able to relax with someone and not be accused of not caring because I am not making enough time for him. I am loyal to a default, if I am sleeping with a man, he’s the only man I’m sleeping with unless I decide otherwise and make it clear that it’s done. You can see my hanging out with a bunch of random men or even just my guy friends and make assumptions, but I will still only be sleeping with one man. I actually had a relative conversation with one of my guy friends about not introducing him or other guy friends to anyone I’m seeing. I told him I probably could not bring someone I am sleeping around our unique group of male friends because they are very affectionate and flirtatious with me. The hug on me and always make sure I have a drink in my hand and that I’m enjoying myself. So unless the man I am seeing already knows these guys personally, he would think something inappropriate was going on with one of them.

I also want someone who takes interest in what I am doing. Like if I tell him what my research topic is for my degree, I’d love him to give me some suggestions or even point me to some contacts that could benefit my research. These are things that are important to me, but I won’t be one-sided, I’ll be invested in things important to him too. I want a mutual support of each others goals. If he doesn’t talk about his ambitions or want my input, then yeah it will be one-sided. I can’t engage if he doesn’t give me anything to engage with.

I think I lost track of the initial topic…if I am sleeping with someone and I am not telling a certain man or people that I have someone intimate, then would be fair to say that I am trying to avoid the conflict of someone not taking interest in me because they’ll think I am already in a relationship? Is this how it’s supposed to work?

Wifely Duties (NSFW)

March 2, 2023

'“My kitty doesn’t beat for a handsome man. It beats for a man who shows me he’s an honorable man.”

Let’s start March with a bang. If you are at work please do not listen to this on speakerphones.

I love when you readers send me questions and want my opinions. A woman wrote to me saying that she has not been in the mood for a long time and she is starting to feel like her husband is pulling away from her. She says he is a good man, he works hard, he is very catering to her and isn’t the type of man who thinks a woman’s place is at home, cooking and clean. He does his fair share of maintaining their home too and he’s a great father to their kids. So she wants to know what she should do because she loves her husband, but she just hasn’t been feeling like getting down in the bedroom.

Ok, I am about to be raw with you guys so please don’t listen if you are overly sensitive to certain terms…

The Effort Series

I really did have fun with this red color.

Baby…ain’t shit out here in these streets. There is piss all up an down these roads, okay. 90% of these men will waste your time and just want you at their convenience. Their penises come with bs that you don’t need especially if you are a woman who has her shit together, career, home, healthy bank accounts, things like that. That dick that comes with the bs, isn’t stable dick and will also make you unstable. The other 10% may or may not be single. And the ones who are single are probably 25 years old, like the young man I’ve been telling you about. His grown is not the same as my grown, and if I give him some of me, I’m going to snatch his soul. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want that on my conscious, so I am going to spare him. But honey, back to your marriage, it sounds like you have a great man. First thing I suggest is to go to the doctor, your gyn, to get everything checked out and tell your doctor what’s going on. It may be health related. If there is an issues, get it solved and if there isn’t, the next thing you need to do is go get some lingerie, some oils, candles, and some sensory toys. Then get a babysitter, book you a nice hotel room, get some room service and take care of your husband! Arch you back, get on your knees, lick it up, swallow it, do the most on your husband. Let him know that your body wants him and how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family. Because like I said, AIN’T SHIT OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS!

Ladies, we cannot get too high and mighty and letting other people get in our heads about not catering to your good man. That “City Girl” life…leave it to the city girls, they just want to frolic and have fun and that’s work for some women, because their life ain’t your life. You have to face what you currently have. And if you have a good man at home, let him know it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.

Is this how defensive women get these days? “*Why are you texting him?”* - Girl, stop sneaking on his phone and hand it back to him.

February Summary

February 27, 2023

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

February 21, 2023

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.
The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

February 16, 2023

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Recovery

February 15, 2023

My last 3 days consisted of…

Sunday: Superbowl loss. The pain.😫

Monday: Binge drinking all day. It started at lunchtime and did not stop until about 12am. Too much and I remember so little details from that span of time. 😫

Tuesday: Did not get out of bed and wasn't functional until about 6pm. I did get some sweet messages from friends and a few from some of you. I also got an email from someone who wants to do a write-up about my dissertation topic. This will be my 3rd interview about my accomplishments and goals. 😊

What do you guys think of this video and what he’s saying? IS this true? Is there really no such thing as “being too busy”? So because I do not make time for someone, does that really mean I don’t care enough to want to see them? Is this the narrative we are accepting?

*There’s a few people I should send this to. Lol.

Just A Few Minutes

February 12, 2023

“There's men who really don’t appreciate a woman who has her own, they instead go for someone who wants to be his dependent.”

So I saw this statement on one of my social media feeds, take a second to read it.

Fellas, I know some of you are on here and I'll tell you right now, THIS IS SOOOOO ABSOLUTELY TRUE! And let me explain why…

When we are taking care of ourselves, there’s no charade or showboating. We know exactly what we want and exactly what area of the Hello Kitty to focus on. My only audience is me.

The Effort Series

When I tell you this dress turned heads…IT TURNED HEADS!

With a man, and I can only speak for myself, but when I’m with a man I want the full experience, the kissing, touching, hugging, the tease, the foreplay, the talking, I want it all and I want it to last longer than a few minutes. But when it’s just me, there's no need for all of that, I just need to clear my head and it won’t take me long to do that. So yeah, we only need a few minutes. 😼

For those of you who don’t know what a rose is, it’s a toy that looks like a rose and the middle peddle vibrates and moves a different speeds depending on the setting you put it on. This toy has great marketing and has a lot of good reviews and I can tell you it lives up to the hype and all the reviews are accurate. 😼💦

Our Business Not Yours

February 8, 2023

“I hate when people lie to me when I can read their energy. Who are you trying to convince? Me or You? Because I already know.”

This topic is sort of related to the My Man My Man post and for those of you who asked me about how my guy friend reacts when I say certain things to the women he’s dating, he doesn't react because he'll tell those ladies that I’m not going anywhere and they'll either have to accept it or be gone. And all of them cooperate because they want to be with him. And again, I never slept with him so there's no sexual energy between us. Some women just aren't comfortable with me around their men no matter what my history is with him. And the women who try to get snappy with me, I hold my tongue as best as I can because I can promise you that anything I say in retaliation will crush her soul and have her thinking her whole life choices. — You don’t want to play with a woman who has her shit together because she did and learned a lot to get there and she will tare down your value if you push her. If a woman has an issue with a man she’s dealing with, don’t bring your aggression towards another woman or bring other people into it, address it with the man because if you’re not my friend and you’re getting upset with my about a man, I’m not going to really care too much about your feelings because your focus is on wrong person.

There is also a few of you who didn’t like that I said I'm not one of those females who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman.” and saying I should be more supportive to women. What is there for me to support? Listen, adult relationships are different especially the older you get and you realize everyone has their own ways of making things work. It’s not my place to tell a woman about a man, any man. He decides however he decides to act and you have the option to accept it or walk away. You can tell him about things that bother you and if he doesn't make any changes, then that is his choice and you can make your choice. There's no need to get anyone else involved for you to decide what to do. Can you not make your own decisions? Do you not have options? That's why I’m not telling a woman about a man, I’m not going to influence her heart in way. Her partner should be handling that.

Anyways, let’s move on. You guys know how I talk about privacy? Let's talk about privacy in our relationships even if it’s not yet too serious and let’s all get on the same intellectual field here about secrecy vs privacy because I hate being gaslighted and being told I don’t know what I’m talking about when my intuition was right the whole time…C'mon now I’m not a dumb broad. I’m pampered, but I ain’t dumb and I pay attention 😏. Secrecy is denying your involvement with someone. Privacy is acknowledging your involvement with someone, but not sharing details about it.

The Effort Series

Even when I was being casual, I still made is stylish.

You still need to keep a barrier between you, your partner and everyone else. My two best friends are both married. Just like any other relationship, they go through some tough times, but a marriage is high level commitment and communication. Both my bestfriends and I can talk about anything with one another and we support each other unconditionally. My one bestfriend has never discussed with me any of her marriage woes. While my other best friend has only once told me when her husband was upsetting her and it was more so a disagreement between the two of them and they both said some harsh things to each other, it wasn't a divorce level issue. Either way, my bestfriends and I all know that our relationships are our own not anyone's, not our parents, not our other friends, not our other family members, not our coworkers, no one. The most anyone really needs to know is that you are in a relationship, any other piece of information isn't necessary unless you want to share it.

Even with my marriage my friends didn't know there was issues until it ended. Everyone thought we were doing good. Although, my ex had a habit of sharing our business with other people. So when my friends learn about some details, they called me about it. I didn't want to discuss it, I just wanted to move on.

It's the same with anyone else in my life, if I’m having issues with them, I don’t console with anyone else. There have been times when a mutual party would step in, which I don't mind, but I still keep the details limited and I'll let the other side tell their story however they want to tell it. Keep in mind that people who have a lot to say about someone when things are bad they are deflecting their part in the problem which is why if I’m on bad terms with someone I don't give anyone too much information about what the problem is. If that person and myself cannot work it out then I’m not going to solicit other people to get their involvement or input. If there is a mutual person who wants to step in then it should be a person who knows both of you and is going to be unbiased.