Love Isn't Enough

“Learn to walk away when something is no longer serving your peace.”

THE CHALLENGE: So during this term, my professors are encouraging us to do a 30 for 30 challenge where we write for 30 minutes a day for 30 days to better identify our writing styles and voices. Of course no one in my cohort knows about this site, but I am slightly taking the challenge. If you've noticed, I’ve been publishing more topics more frequently, although I don't have enough topics to write out a new post each day. #FutureDrRay

There has been a phrase that I noticed I hear more often nowadays, in movies, shows, books, captions…every where. And the phrase is “Love isn’t enough.” - What do you guys think about this?

I can count on one hand how many men I’ve said “I love you” to in a romantic way. I told you guys, I don’t have a trail of relationships behind me. The last man I said those words to, it was a surprise to me and I think it was a surprise to him too, but he felt it and one night he gazed into my eyes and gently said, “Tell me”. And when the words came out he says, “I never heard you say that before” and he said it to me and also said, “Raya, You have no idea how much I love you.” To this day, I still don’t know what he meant by that. A little background, we had known each other for a few years already and fooled around on and off, went on different small trips together, but we never gotten that close until that time. And we were so into each other and I was hesitant at first, because it was unexpected and it felt great (I think I even wrote about it, actually I can probably go back to the older posts and narrow down when we started getting close and how I was feeling about it. But it fizzled out and I am not too sure why maybe I was too busy or he was too busy or we didn’t make enough time for each other, I don’t know. So I guess love wasn’t enough. Where is this man now? Ummm…we still speak to each other, but he is figuring things out with someone else…I think I am not too certain about that. He still hasn't officially confirmed anything. Maybe they want to have a baby first. Joking.

And if I go further back, I did love the father of my children at one point, but again it wasn’t enough for me to still want to be with him. It did hurt to leave, but I wasn’t getting what I needed in that relationship and I was tired to hurting and him not putting our family first.

There is an author named Mark Manson who wrote an article titled the same as this topic. Here is a little exerpt from what he wrote, he lists 3 truths about love:

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us.

1. LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY

Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

The other two things he lists are Love does not solve your relationship problems and love is not always worth sacrificing yourself for. I think this is very eye opening for many of us and can help us look at relationships differently and can guide us to weed out the idealistic thoughts about what love is and isn’t and focus more on relationship types of behaviors that withstand the test of time.

Back to Life

Let me tell you all how I really used to make an effort to BE A STATEMENT! I really used to take time to do my hair, makeup, and put together looks. One of my goals for 2023 is to start doing this again. ❤️

So the guy I mentioned first, it’s hard to say what is definitive between us. I believe we have always treated each other slightly differently then how we treat other people and I won’t get into those details and I don’t think we have always been very forthcoming with one another which has lead to multiple misconceptions of each other over the years. We are opposite and similar in several ways, but I do believe we care about each other in some regard even though we may not love each other the same way we did when we gotten close at one time. And I don’t ever like to say for certain how something will be because we never know how things will play out. Like I said, we weren't always for forthcoming with each other and I think if we had been a little more transparent then our communication would be different today. Although, with my ex, I am very certain we will not be close or become good friends and the only reason I say that is because he has blown away so many chances to do right by our children, that I cannot fathom putting the distance away between us. There’s just some things I will never accept.

Now matter how much you may love someone or think you love someone, I think Mark Manson is on to something and it’s not just him, if you do a web search of this title “Love Isn’t Enough” you will find many articles about this topic. I guess people have come to realize emotions fade in and out, but it’s what we continue to do or show people is what keeps a relationship going and hopefully moving forward in a positive way.

Full Article by Mark Manson HERE.

Change Of Heart

I decided to step out of my comfort zone and agreed to go on a date. It was setup by someone I do business with. The date was nice, it was an early dinner, nothing over the top or fancy, we were both wearing our professional attire because I met him after I got done working. He was wearing a tailored suit and I was wearing a pencil skirt and blouse. We had a nice conversation, we talked about life, families, childhood experiences. But there was one thing he said that made me decide this was only going to be a friendly dinner and nothing more. He mentioned his previous relationship and how he talked about her is what made me hesitant about the man he possibly is. You have to understand, when there is two people in a relationship, there is more than one side of a story and I don’t like when people are so adamant they didn’t have any faults when a relationship ends. And the man mentioned a few things that triggered memories of what I went through in previous situations. I declined a second date with the man.

We go through different experiences with people. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they aren’t and it leaves on imprint on us. When we are starting something new with someone. Our hearts are in a flutter, you’re spending time with them, getting to know them better, and talking about the possible future. But at any given moment, all that can change and there is no way to properly explain why other than a change of heart. And sometimes we try to hold on to the good memories to avoid the reality of needing to move on especially when we thought everything was going smoothly. And another weird thing is we can change our hearts back. Like have you ever rekindled something with an old flame…maybe more than once? — I’ve been there. And there is nothing wrong with that because you won’t know if something works until you try it and sometimes you have to try it more than once.

Emotions our fckd up and they fck us up sometimes. Men have loved me, told me they loved me, and have told me I’m the best thing in their lives, and when things were coming to an end, they have turned around and said bad things about me. Friendship and relationships can be complicated because sometimes it takes a little more work to maintain them. Again, you can have a change of heart about them. Sometimes we look at people and think nothing could ever happen, but later on you think there is a possibility. And there’s nothing wrong with reconnecting with people, just because it did not work out the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t have a better view of things this next time. As long as you are being honest with yourself and what you want and being transparent with the person, that’s all you can do. And there is not guarantee of anything; we never know what we are going to do until we are doing it and all we can do is hope that we are making the best decisions for ourselves.

Seeing Someone?

PRE THOUGHT: If someone doesn't want to tell you they are seeing someone, what are the limits on how you are towards that person? Should I just keep as is and have limitless conversations and hangout with a man who doesn't want to reveal that information to me?….Because if he doesn't share it, how would I know any different? And when you first meeting someone, don’t you usually ask if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Care For The V

PRE THOUGHT: I don’t want just the body, I want the mind and soul too. And before I give my body to someone, I want to know that his is for me and doesn’t play about me, like he’s not going to allow anyone to mistreat me, take advantage of me, or talk badly about me. This may sound cliché, but I want someone who I feel is a genuine friend to be my intimate companion.

“If I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is a friend.” - Shai (1992)

Topics about sex and intimate care seem to always drive a lot of traffic to this site, so I’ll start to incorporate more of these talks.

So, there rules to the ‘V’, how we take care of her, who we let touch her, and how we keep her happy.

First things first, Ladies….Keep. Her. Healthy. Don’t skip your routine check ups. Don't be afraid to tell the doctor anything you have a concern about, tract infections, STDs, pregnancy, no matter what it is talk to your medical care professional, that's what they are trained to do. On top of keeping her healthy, Keep her clean!

There are products that you can insert in to your personal area, but (and this is my opinion) unless it’s prescribed by you're doctor, I'd advise against it because those over the counter cleansers are full of chemicals and you have no clue how your body will react to them and if you use them all the time, there maybe some harmful long term effects. So again, don't put anything up there unless your doctor directs you or does it themselves. Use soap that’s made for sensitive areas and wash only the outer parts, the inner parts need different attention. For instance, vaginal steams are a lot healthier than inserting weird chemicals in there.

You also want to maintain your softness and moisture and I'm not talking about for sex, I’m talking about everyday. Overall, my skin is naturally soft, but I'll still use some oils to keep my skin refreshed and renewed. There's a combination of oils I mix in a dropper bottle that I used for my Hello Kitty after showering and after my waxes (even though no one is seeing what’s under my clothes, I still like to take care of myself), but you can use it as often as you need to. Trust me ladies, it’s going to keep you soft, smooth, and balance your moisture. I’ll add the ingredients at the bottom.

Okay, enough information for the ladies, let’s move on to the men…

Fellas, here's how you can take care of her personals. First understand it's a sensitive area, when your good to it, it's good to you. You have to treat it like a treasure. I don’t know if you're heard this before, but the Pink Lady can actually pulsate, meaning if she’s around a man she’s extremely attracted to, who's good to her and makes her feel great, a physiological thing happens and that girl down there will beat stronger than a heart and makes a woman's body get really warm. Men, this is a real thing and this is what you want. You’ve got to sweet talk her whether you're whispering enticing things in a woman's ears or directly talking to the kitty; make it wet before even touching her. You want to turn on each part of the woman and the more care you give the Pink Lady, the more likely the woman will treat you like Karrine Steffans (if you don’t know who that is, you’re too young to be here and need to go play with your blocks, okay, the adults are talking right now).

Men, do you remember watching older movies where the man is seducing a woman and how he’s very gentle with her, flirts with her, compliments her, and tells her he wants her without saying those exact words? That's part of foreplay and it’s necessary to get an amazing experience. Think James Bond, how smooth and suave he was before bedding a woman.

But if you want to be a little more direct without being too aggressive, take the woman out, doesn’t have to be dinner, maybe just drinks or a nice lounge and ask her to wear a dress. And throughout the evening, gently grace your hand on her thighs and every now and then, caress the Kitty. Don’t make it obvious, but obvious enough to make her notice. And if you’re willing, say some sexual things to her, use your finesse to finesse her. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who knows he wants me and tells me what he wants to do with me while running his hands up my dress (I may be saying a little too much right now, hopefully no man who personally knows me or sees me frequently visits my site). Maybe this year, someone will surprise me and be the outlier and get me to share myself with him, or maybe not, we'll see because what have I started saying?…We never know our decisions until we make them. 😺…So, we’ll see if someone changes my mind this year. 😉


😺 ”V” Oil Mix: Sesame Oil, Argan Oil, Jojoba Oil, Tea Tree Oil - I did not use any particular measurements, I just did all equal parts and mixed thoroughly. Massage the oil on the outer areas. Use it as often as you like. — Let me tell ya, whomever does get the pleasure to bed me is going to be extremely happy with my Hello Kitty. *Plus he’ll have a few new features to play with. 😉

Tolerable

PRE THOUGHT: If I’m being friendly towards you and you start getting too comfortable with me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I'm going to move differently around you thereafter. I’m not going to continue to do things that allow you to keep thinking you can get closer to me. And my “Unorthodox Conversationalist Partner”( 😏 see previous post) put this in my mind… So, the same scenario for you men: If a woman is being extra friendly towards you and even though you may not think much of it, she may believe that she has something special with you if you keep acting like you’re okay with her advances. Are you indirectly encouraging her to be extra friendly with you?…and that, my loves, is the misconception.

There's a way you hug your friends and then there a way you hug your “friends”.

You long time readers know that I'm very reasonable and don't take myself too seriously. I slightly mentioned before that I tolerate people more than I like them. Let's get into what I mean by that.

I'm very friendly and welcoming. I like to enjoy myself when I'm out, but depending on who I'm around and how I’m feeling there’s a limit to all I'm willing to do. If you're not part of my inner circle or we're not that close of friends or I just met you, there’s a certain comfort level that I'm not going to step out of. Especially if you're new to me and we don’t have any mutual friends who can vouch for the type of person you are, I'm going to stay alert around you.

Listen, and I don't mean this in a rude way, but if I don't make any more friends in life, I'm okay with that. I have my range and my circle of friends. I really don’t need any more.

I'm not fond of new people who are too eager to want to become close friends with me so quickly. It feels forced and I don’t like anything that's forced. Let it happen naturally (I feel the same with romantic relationships too). Don’t try to welcome yourself into other parts of my life or plans I have especially if I did not invite you or it wasn’t an open invitation. -- No. Don't do that. You can give me clues that may let me know you would like to join me, but if I don't welcome you, I have my reasons for it and those reasons can vary from, this is something I'm doing with my other friends, this is something private, or this is something I want to do by myself. So don't get offended if I don’t want you to join me, and if you get offended then we're definitely not going to be close because there's a lot of things that I do without other people. Those who know me well know that I mean no harm, I just don't always need friends around me.

We're not kids where you quickly make friends with someone at recess and then you're hanging out all the time, all day, everyday. No, I have a full life, a robust career, a doctorates I’m trying to achieve and 2 kids I’m raising between all of that. I need my space to do other things, be around people who know me well, and be with myself. And I have low tolerance for people who don't respect that.

I also don’t like people who try to benefit off me for their own personal gain or try to improve their lives because of me. Let me explain this. I’m going to use the word “opportunist” and there's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, but when you are trying to elevate your life off of someone else, it’s not a good look. For example, someone told me one of the last time they went out they spent a few thousand dollars on their tab. And I don’t fault them because there have been nights where I’ve spent that much because I’m just having a good time. Although, I know I have to be careful with that because some people will see you doing things like that and look to you to give them that same experience every time. — That's what I don’t like. Don’t think that just because I went all out this time and you enjoyed it that it’s going to happen every time, especially if you are not in my inner circle, because my inner circle knows that I have my moments of being frivolous with money or just keeping it simple. I don’t like when I’m expected to provide people a great time. I set the mood for myself and you if match my energy then then we all have a great time, but ultimately you are responsible for your fun; not me.

And this is for everyone, know your tolerance levels, they are the same as your boundaries, so be clear with people about them and if they need more clarity, try to find a way to tell them so they understand, but offer that one time courtesy, unless you have a very close relationship with someone, don’t keep explaining yourself. You can step out of your comfort zone, I do encourage that every so often, but don't let anyone force their way into your personal aura because that's yours and you’ve tailored that to make it to fit you and your interests, not anyone else's. And romantically, if you do find someone to share your aura with, you still have to be clear with what you want and make compromises that benefit both of you. 😉

Mixed Words

Intro and 2 Part Audio

Someone make sense of this and tell me that me and this person are not the only two people who communicate like this.

*To be clear, there’s no arguments…just a difference of perspectives. He is firm on certain behaviors being okay and affirms it’s not his behavior (although the blueprint has opposing reviews). My stance is how a person behaves can give the wrong impression and lead to unsolicited thoughts or reactions from the person who the behavior is being directed towards and the people around them. Everyone has a choice on how they choose to be and what they entertain. And sometimes being extra friendly with people isn't good conduct because what if that person you're being extra friendly with starts thinking you're developing something special with them?

  • Like the man who kept driving the same girl home, but claimed there was nothing going on and one of you said, “There's no such things as Uber??? Or she has no other friends???”

  • Another example is if you’re invovled with someone, but you still give people the impression you're not by doing or saying certain things that allows them to think you’re completely unattached. And it’s never good to act that way with people who know the person you're intimate with because everything always gets back around. — Just like in the Open Relationships topic, don’t let the nonsense get back to your main one.

Anyway…

Usually after the lengthy back and forth, I assess the overall content and conclusion and look for the lesson, insight, or positive summary. — When you start to look at people as investment towards your life or even progress in life, you may start to look at all your connections with a different set of eyes.

I wasn’t anticipating on writing a topic like this and it's going to be very short, but things happen in life that can invoke certain unexpected topics. So this guy I know, we seem to have very unorthodox conversations at times. Sometimes they are so confusing and fckd up I just don’t understand how we keep getting through them. But we do and we laugh about it afterwards and then we talk about vinyl records. I think we’re both fckn nuts. Like how do you go toe to toe with a war of words with someone and come out of it talking about Jill Scott’s first album?

And this isn’t our first offense, this has been going on a span of years, we're basically pros at these mind fck conversations. And I literally asked him why do we still entertain each other and all he could say was, “Great question!” and I’m not sure if he actually gave me an answer because he says I make up my own theories about things and that I need to stop wondering about everything which led me to another thought.

People are puzzles and I like puzzles. I like observing their behaviors and piecing together why people do what they do. That’s probably why I chose psychology for my undergrad. And oh do I use that degree to it's fullest and I have a say about everything. I will admit, I do tend to push people out of their comfort zones at times and it can be a bit controversial or argumentative because of my tactics. Ummm, I very head strong, to say the least. And I don’t think a lot of people are receptive to that and even this guy, I don't think he’s receptive to it either so again, I don’t know why he keeps conversations up with me.

Like I said, I think we’re both out of our fckn minds — in the best way — and I don’t know why we do this and it’s a constant puzzle that I can’t solve. Maybe that's why we’re keeping this up. Well I can’t speak for him, but maybe that’s why I still keep entertaining it?

🙂 Overall, I appreciate that we do move forward and find things to laugh about, that's the best, but when we’re in the midst of those heavy conversations, sometimes I think to myself, “WTF is wrong with us??!!” 😆 Someone, please make it make sense! 😅

Open Relationships

Okay lovers, let’s talk about this. Open Relationships…are you for it or against it? Here are my thoughts on this…

Theoretically, No. I don't want to be in a situation where I’m lied to, heartbroken, feeling like I'm not important, where I’m not thought of or considered, other people are seeing me as foolish, and women believing they can take my place. But practically, can a man take away all of those concerns and still make his lady feel secure and loved while doing whatever he decides to do when he's out by himself or with his friends? I’m going to answer with a soft yes only because I’ve witness this with some other relationships.

"If you’re playing me keep it on a low, because my heart can't take it anymore. If you're creepin, please don’t let it show." - Mario Winans (2004)

It’s possible, but only when 2 people have a true understanding of each other and understanding the needs of each person and what they desire to function happily and progressively. And that may consist of not asking certain questions that may resort to a lie or viewing certain things he does or says with skepticism. If he’s going out, I'd appreciate him telling me, but I’m not going to ask too many specifics details about it or blow up his phone throughout the night, I’ll just reach out to him the next day. The main thing is to keep a good flow of communication between each other and keep one another updated. Don't go silent on your partner. Also, never look through anyone’s phone, whether you find something or not, it will always lead to drama. Here's something you should never forget, If you're looking for trouble, you're definitely going to find it. And with today’s generations, you can find anything on social media. I’m so glad I grew up during a time where we just had fun and didn’t need to show the world, but for whatever reason, some people still need that validation.

If I'm in a relationship, I want it to be meaningful. If it’s just about sex, anyone can give you that. I want intimacy and I want a man to lead me correctly and not blindside me with heartache. You can't just offer me sex and expect me to fall in line with whatever fuckery you do out in the world. But if you are bringing me support, love, comfort, protection, compassion and friendship, then I’m going to be more open to your lead. Be a man I can count on and not someone who disappears when he doesn't feel like talking or when things get difficult.

I had a similar conversation about a man leading and my belief is that I'm feminine, so to balance I prefer a man to exude masculinity. If he’s meeting me for the first time I prefer him to break the ice and thereafter if he says or does things that make it seem like he's indecisive, aloof, or waiting on me to give him a sign before he makes a move, then I'm not going to look at him romantically. A leader assess his options and makes a sound decision and he won’t know if it's the wrong decision until he follows through with it, but make the decision.

Lead the way in a non-aggressive and smooth manner and I'll decide whether to follow or not. And if I do follow, we can figure out other things along the way and develop the camaraderie with each other. Let me know you want something special with me. Don't think you're being too much by showing you like me and letting other people know you like me. I don’t like men who are disengaged with people's feelings, especially if we’re intimate. And the type of man he is will show me the type of man I’ll either love and cherish or the type of man I need to keep at a distance. Be nice to me, but be firm and sure with what you want with me.

I’m never going to outwardly say yes to having an open relationship. I am always going to be an advocate of being loved by a man who doesn't make me feel like I have to worry about our connection or make me question if I’m in his heart with another woman who isn't family. In an open relationship, you should never let the other person feel they have the upper hand over your partner. I want someone who thinks to call me with good news and bad news, who still says things like, “Hey, I’m going to be at this place at a certain time, you should come out.” Be my friend and don’t stop, that’s the best way. Share good music and movies with me and I don’t want you to be just like me. Let’s have a difference of opinions sometimes, talk about it, laugh about it, and maybe learn something new from each other. And as a friend, what would you want to protect me from? Don't let someone else break what we have, keep it sacred. Because remember, people who don’t have you are likely going to try harder and do more to get your attention especially if you're already with someone.

Be careful with what you do with people. What you intend may not play out they way you expect and you'll then have to deal with the outcome. You’ve got to be emotionally intelligent enough to handle not only your emotions, but also the emotions of others you've effected. Feelings and relationships can be a war zone, don’t think there won’t be any bombs.

Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Bedroom Moves

2 Part Audio.

Before we start… I want to say something to some of the ladies here. The reader who sent me this video disclosed to me that a man she used to be involved with now is surrounding himself with several younger women. Ladies, if these men want to be like Puff/Diddy, let them have their free spirited, don’t gave a damn about anything but drinks and smoke and living on a whim type girls, let them have it. Whatever they’re going through or whatever attention or validation they need from those girls, let them have it.

But let’s be clear, Puff has created his own empire, his own world and how he manages his life isn't how most of these man manage theirs. Once you see a man entertain a much younger woman and barely interacts with you, Baby, he's not for you and you're not for him. Because if he was a man of your stature, he wouldn't be giving all his attention to girls who still need years to catch up to where you are. Baby, it’s okay, because you're going to find a man who loves you at your age and admires all that you've accomplished and kiss all your pains away. Don't worry about these 40/50 year old men who still likes young ass on them, there’s an identity issue there, and you don't need his issues to be yours. Stay who you are and the right one will love you for it. Ok? Hugs and kisses. 😘

Now let’s move on…..

Obviously, this topic isn’t for me. It’s for all you sexually active lovers. How’s life over there? You like it? Surprisingly, I do not miss sex as much as people expect me to. I guess people assume that I’m this sexual deviant who has to have a different lover every month to feed my lustful appetite. — Ummmm, NO. I want an authentic mental connection with someone. I don’t want someone just to skim through my pages, I want him to carefully read through my lines and find the hidden stories that I keep from the world. I want someone to know my flaws and still be patient enough to see me as someone who constantly willing to learn the life around me. I also want someone to see that I don’t give up easily and that I’m loyal to the end even when I’m hurting and being misunderstood. The point is, don’t take me at face value because I’m more than what I show people.

So I read a few articles about sex and how to best please your partner and how to keep things exciting between the two of you. I’m just going to summarized what I read and tag the articles separately.

Types of Sex Couples Should Have:

  • Morning Sex - What’s not great about starting your day with some penetration?

  • Spontaneous Sex - I love this kind of sex. It’s unexpected, passionate, and all the juices are just flowing making every moment exciting.

  • Make Up Sex - I like think type of sex too. Your emotions are involved, the anger and love mixed into one and you forget about all the problems and just look into each other.

  • Romantic Sex - This is probably more in my lane because I’m a sensual person. I love the tender kisses. I love being held and looking into each other’s souls and infusing our bond with a deeper connection. (Pun intended).

Praise Kink - This is not a new concept, but it’s a new term for talking during sex and saying things that praise your partner such as:

  • You're such a good girl/boy.

  • It’s so big.

  • No one can do it like you.

  • You are the best.

  • You're so good at [insert skill].

  • You look so good when you [insert activity].

  • You taste so good.

  • Just like that… keep going.

  • You feel so [insert verb or adjective]

  • *This isn’t a praise kink, but I love hearing a man moan, such a turn on

Sex Pillows - You can buy special pillows to make the feeling more pleasurable for you and your partner, but you can really use any firm pillow; it’s where you position it that matters. When the woman is on the bottom and facing you, put the pillow right under the hips, if she’s turned around, put the pillow under the lower stomach. If the man is on the bottom, have him sitting slightly up with the pillow supporting his back. The pillow position option helps with better pivotal points and makes the sensation more exciting, plus with the man on the bottom, having the pillow behind him gets his body closer to yours and more opportunities for neck kisses and…ummmm…nipple attention.

And I want to add this last one, it’s not a sex thing, and of course I’ve not been able to do this because I’m keeping men away from me and completely avoiding them 😂, but I would love just lay in bed with a man and sit my legs on him while he’s watching to TV and I'm in my glasses typing away on my laptop. I'm a square huh? I’m okay with that because I know there's a man who's going to love that I just like to chill out and do simple things. We’ll show out every now and then, but home is where the heart is and I want to feel like home to a man. Stay safe out there. 😉

Article References for Types of Sex and Praise Kinks: www.xonecole.com (Necole started out as a celebrity blogger and now focuses her topics on women’s empowerment, relationships, business, health and wellness).

The Power Of Compliments

Some of you asked why the last 2 posts didn’t have any personal pictures, honestly, I just did not make time to take any and it is very likely that only a few posts here and there will have photos of me. It’s just time consuming to do that and I want to focus more on the content than the images. Also, with my upcoming term, I am going to start doing more research into my dissertation and that will take up much of my attention along with other business tasks I have. Other news I want to share….somehow I lost 10lbs during the holidays! Not sure how I did it, but if I can take off another 20lbs, that would be ideal! What is the saying? It takes up to 2 months for you to notice a difference, but up to 4 months for others to notice the difference? Well, we’ll see.

Do you all get compliments often? Would you believe me if I told you that I don't get compliments often? It’s true. Of all the people I know about 3 or 4 of them compliment me frequently and none of them are men. 😐 I don't require people to compliment me we've already cleared the air that I have a healthy self esteem. But there was an interaction recently that made me think about this a little more.

I was at a bar sitting next to someone I’ve known for a long time and we were having an amusing discussion about this topic and I mentioned that he doesn't ever give me compliments. His response was that my head was already big enough and that he doesn't think he should compliment me. I’ll be honest, this kind of hurt my feelings a little. Not the big head comment part, I can take that and a lot of jokes and sarcasm, but it was the idea of him assuming I get complimented all the time so there's no point in him doing it. That's what bruised me a bit. It’s like saying, I don’t need to tell you happy birthday because everyone else already told you or not telling someone “congratulations” because everyone else is doing it. Now I’m wondering if other guys think the same thing, like she's already being told she's special so I don’t have to make her feel special.

NEWSFLASH: That is such bullshit, to the men who are in relationship, I hope you don’t think this way. It would mean more to me to get a compliment from my partner than getting it from other people. And the guy seemed very adamant about what he said and how we know each other made his words sting…Like okay, you just confirmed I’m not your cup of tea. Do whatever you want and go hang out girls you like and that more your type. — He can stop wasting any silly moments with me and go hang out with who he really wants to hang out with.

There is power in words. And you never really know how your words affect other people. And with how that person responded, it just confirmed a few things for me so it's fine.

Ladies, can you agree there's a difference when we get compliments form certain people? There's a difference between getting them from people we know vs strangers. Even getting compliments from you parents feels different than getting them from your friends. Sometimes compliments are like words of affirmations and words that encourage. So if you admire or appreciate someone, it's good to say nice things to them and not just about their appearances, but about their qualities too. I don't mind someone saying something about my looks, but I’d rather someone say good things about my character, what impression did I leave with you or that I continue to leave with you? Did I make enough of an impact onto you that you think about me frequently? That you like seeing me smile or hearing me laugh? No, we don't need compliments, but getting them from certain people can make a difference.

Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

Self-Esteem

A few readers sent comments in:

“There's no such thing as an Uber? Was he her only friend? A man taking the same girl home each time something is going on.”

“Just like no response is a response, not answering is also an answer. Girl, he was fckn her.”

“Sis, I don’t even take my platonic friends home like that. Trust your intuition. She want him and he want her. The men who only be around girls that be all over them are suspect. Hoes are thirsty and men love that shit.”

— This is in response about the guy who had the girl all over him and skipped around the answer when I questioned if there was something between them. 😏

“How is it that I never met you but I still know when you're not being serious about something. Damn are your friends really your friends?”

— Lol. Not all of them understand my jokes. Sometimes I like to say things that make people think outside the box and some of them aren't ready for it. 😆

This topic is going to be a little complex so pay attention.

A few times when I go hang out with my guy friends I have a quirky way of asking if there is going to be another woman with them by asking, "Are you with someone because I want to know where my self-esteem needs to be." 😆 Now, let's be clear, I do not have self-esteem issues, I'm great, but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea 😉. So I like to know what I'm walking into when I do go hang out with my friends and there’s another woman with them:

  • Is she just another friend

  • Is she someone you're interested in

  • Is she someone you have history with

  • Is she someone who's trying to be with you

Because vibes are different depending on the relationship you have with someone and people can pick up on it. There was one time a guy I know walked into the same place I was at with 2 girls. He didn’t know I was going to be there and I know one of the girls too and she was all over him all night. Touching on him and everytime he got up to move, she followed behind him like they were together. And when I asked the guy if they were fooling around he skipped around the question. I've kind of always speculated something between them for a while because many other times he'd always make a point to take her home. Ladies, men like this are full of shit, and Fellas, if you don’t agree, change my mind. Anyways I never want to walk in a place and make others feel uncomfortable with me being around or feel like my presence is not welcomed by others.

If I'm out with friends, I going to make sure I give everyone equal attention and engage with everyone. Self-esteem is all about what you feel about yourself and I notice signs of low self-esteem when people say certain things or their body language shifts a certain way, it points to insecurity issues.

I've been in situations with women not appreciating me being around because of a guy they like, so they would make it a point to stay close to him and have quiet conversations with him. And my thoughts are, if you were sure about yourself and about him, you wouldn't be acting like that. And guys, this may be over your heads because most of you aren't paying attention, but instead just see it as a women wanting to be next to you. 🙄

Fellas, like who you like, but if you're one of my friends and there's a woman who always seems to act a little different when other woman is around, then she really doesn't need to be out with us. Because women can get very vindictive and as pleasant as I am, I'm only going to put up with so many whispers and side eyes before I end up telling you something that's going to hurt your feelings.

And fellas, if you’re not faciliting the welcomes with everyone, it can be very uncomfortable, so I appreciate getting a heads up about people before hand. So just be mindful the next time you're introducing women to each other.

The Vision Board

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

This will be the last post of 2022. I am going to enjoy the last few days of this year and I hope you take advantage of that too. All of you have made this year very interesting, getting into 2022 was a little rocky, but we smoothed it out and keep the laughs going. By the time May came around, I let other people’s issues stay with them and celebrated myself and oh what a celebration it was because I was very choosey on who I surrounded myself with, no one new, no young minded people, no one who would make me feel uncomfortable, and definitely no one who has shaded me, flaked off or didn’t have good thoughts about me. — No, I didn’t want anyone like that around me while I toasted up to my happiness. You know, there can be much to say about the people you decide to celebrate things with. I know I chose well.

If you ever want to read through any previous topics, you can go to the top menu and can click on “All Blogs & Articles” (hyperlinked) or from this page, just scroll to the bottom and see all the topics by month. And you all contributed to the creations of these topics. - Thank you.

I don't get into the whole vision board fad where you cutout pieces of a magazine and glue them on a poster board to visualize what you want in the new year…yeah it's basically a school art project. I’m not discrediting the value in this activity, I've been told it can be very relaxing, inspirational, and encouraging. My 2 bestfriends hosted vision board parties where I of course chose to be absent from. — I tolerate doing many things more often than I actually like doing them, that sounds bad, it’s just sometimes I do for others to make them happy. I’m the same about people too, I tolerate a lot of people more than I like them.

And I guess I have to answer this one question I keep getting from so many of you…No, I did not get involved with anyone this year and even as this year is ending and as I write this up, no one has came through to change my mind. I see and hear things about some men and even though we should not believe everything we see and hear, I’m practical enough to come up with my own conclusions about people. This entire year, I did not have anyone playing with my emotions and I plan to have the same energy going into 2023. And with us having few more days left, I am definitely starting the new year very happy knowing that no one is taking advantage of how reasonable I can be with relationships and men. (I know…you ladies don’t see eye to eye with me on certain things.) Just be sure to have a man who keeps you feeling loved and knows how to protect you from any messes he might make. Okay? — There are 2 things I have added on to my list of standards for a man: 1. If it comes to light that he was fooling with someone he denied sleeping with, that is a no for me. We are adults, what is the point of lying about who you you’ve laid with? Guys, if a woman is asking you about someone, there is a good chance she already has an inkling about something. Lying to her about it not only avoids her emotions, but also makes her feel less valued to you. 2. A man who never sees his actions, behaviors, or how he handled something as being wrong is also a no for me. No one person is always right in everything they do, so what makes you think you are?

But, do I have a set of goals for the new year?

Well, I’ve got 2 and a half more years before I can add “DR.” to my name. I guess my goals with that is to not get overwhelmed and keep pushing through. I’m working on a prototype that is in line with my applied research about professional training and development, so that is an objective that is going to last for a few years. My career will be in the same field, I am going to expand upon it a little more and create something that is going to help others get to a professional level where they can develop universal skills and transfer them into various industries and markets. And I have been wondering if I need to step away from this site as to not dilute my professional goals. This is the casual side of me, but the business side of me is very different. I guess I will have to find a way to infuse my two worlds. I’d hate to have to shut this site down, because I enjoy doing this too…luckily it’s not something I have to think a lot about any time soon.

One of my biggest thoughts is my oldest heading off to college next Fall. That is a major accomplishment. I am 100% a single parent, I did not get the luxury of co-parenting, although my family has helped a lot over the years, but when it comes to actually raising my kids and teaching them good values, it’s just me. I take them to their appointments, I stay up with them when they are sick, I answer their questions, I pay for their school expenses, I speak to their teachers, I expose them to different experiences, I follow up with their progress, there is no one I can tag in to do this for me. Those of you who are single parents, but still has the other parent present, consider that a blessing and be grateful even if you do not get along with each other. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just at the very least, be there. My kids are still thriving despite only having me, because they have my family and their fathers side of the family. I could sit here and say I wish things were different, but why? My kids are happy, healthy, smart, creative, funny, and becoming people who I know will do great in life. They are not products of what’s missing, they are products of what continues to be here.

That is no different from us being a product of our pains, pleasures, lessons, and defaults. — It builds character and we can always develop ourselves to be better. Happy New Year everyone.

You Don't Like Complex

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.

Empathy (Quick Note)

“I’m hurt and it’s not even happening to me.” ❤️‍🩹

You know how you can cry for people when they are in pain even when the pain isn’t directly affecting you? That’s called empathy. I am realizing that I am very empathetic towards people I care about. This year, there have been a few people I know who have experienced loss and to know they are in pain puts me in pain. I’ll put aside other responsibilities to be there for people and sometimes I feel like I am not being a good friend or family member when I cannot do more to take their pain away and it weighs on me. But that is the gift and the curse of being an empath. People may not feel exactly what you feel, but just know there are people who hurt for you and with you. And there are also people who are battling their own pains in private, but still show up for you. — Those people are treasures.

I guess I just wanted to say…Love the people around you and surround yourself with love. Notice those who are always there even if just in the background, and notice the ones who always come back around because maybe your connection with them is more important than any differences you may have had.

Face everything with love.

I hope to those I care dearly about don't allow pain to harden their hearts and detract from their blessings. There is not many people who can make me smile on my worst days and there's even fewer people I allow close to me. They are the glow from the sun and the twinkling stars that light up my skies and I pray I never see them go dim. May my thoughts for them be the puzzle pieces that helps complete a camaraderie of support and create a map to healing. 🕊❤️

Hurt People, Hurt People

Don’t fee like reading? Listen instead. (2 Parts)

Want to hear something funny? Many of you noticed a few months ago I started a subscription feature on this site to allow more private topics with those who wanted to become members. Those of you who did signed up and read through the topics are aware we do not share personal information and explicit content and I also have the comments enabled to readers to engage in dialogue with each other, and the conversations have been very informative and respectful.

Apparently, someone has reported my site as being inappropriate and containing content that elicits sexual activity between members. Basically someone is claiming my site is for sex workers. Really???!!! — Okay, let me just say this…this is NOT OnlyFans, this is not a porn site, this is not an escort service, nothing like that. I was not charging $50 to show you explicit pictures, no my membership fee was only $10 and that was to allow people a safe space to discuss more private topics.

And if you are here, that means you are here on your own free will. You are not required to be here and if you do not like or agree with anything I say, you can easily exit out. If you are a long time reader, then you know what this site is about and the types of topics I discuss. I am so at a loss, is someone mad? Do you have something against me? Is there some type of vendetta? I’m not seeing anyone, so I know it can’t be a scorn woman trying to get back at me.

Maybe a man reported my site, because there have been times I’ve gotten messaged from men about them perceiving me as a an ungodly woman because of my images. Who knows? So, of course I submitted an appeal, I am not sure how long this will take to get cleared, but until then I have to disable the members only feature. I’ll see if there is a loophole, but until I get more clarity on this, I am not sure what all I can do at the moment. I’m just wondering who’s mad? Who hurt you?

🔴The reality is there will always be people who never want to applaud you for doing great.🔴

Let’s get into some serious psyche for a moment. We are the sum of our worst and best moments. We can love people with a healthy heart and we can love people with a wounded heart. And with both, we can hurt people. People who are hurt, in pain, suffering, or struggling will not have the best energy. Even if they are faking a smile and forcing a laugh, it’s not authentic. — It’s also not wrong for trying to put on a happy face, but it can be draining and stressful to do so just to conceal other burdens.

Have you heard the term, hurt people hurt people? It’s the behavior of someone projecting or deflecting their pain towards someone else. Much like being angry at the world for your own consequences, decisions, or misfortunes. When someone is hurt they tend to hurt others and most of the time they don't realize it. Think if it like this, when you are upset, disappointed, or in some form of pain, your emotions and heart can harden leaving your patience to become very minimal and anything that pressures your patience can cause an unkind reaction from you.

There are times people hurt others in order to protect themselves. Let me give you a scenario regarding relationships, a woman who fosters pain and mistrust from her past sometimes reacts in frustration to a man who triggers similar behavior, because the reality is she's been hurt before and doesn't want to go through the same experience again.

But we can't shut down our emotions, that's not healthy either. It’s good to be polite, but no so polite that you are not expressed your true thoughts or your feelings. But you also have to think about if your true self is capable of being around others without deflecting any inner frustrations outward. Like are you okay to be around people and enjoy them or do you still need time alone?

People go through metamorphosis when life puts them in situations that causes them make new adjustments. The outcome is unknown in how we’ll develop our character because we don't all process information the same. This is why it’s important to give people time and space so they can do what they need for themselves whatever that looks like for them, but you can still remain supportive by just checking in on them from time to time.

When I was going through a big adjustment last year, I needed more time to myself than I needed time with people, but it was the people who still reached out to me that made the difference of that experience being numb and resentful vs being something that doesn't define me, and it changed my views of being in serenity with my circumstances and making…..lemons into garnish for sautéed spinach and pan seared salmon with a garlic aioli sauce.

You see, it does get bad, but it also gets good if you allow it and when you’re ready for it…no one can tell you when to be ready, you have to decide that.

100/50/0

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

I’m Not Your Type

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A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.

*Unless you want me to give you a son to carry on your name, don’t do this. 😼

When You Love Someone

“When you love someone you just don't treat them bad.” - Donell Jones (Where I Want To Be, 1999)

There’s been a lot on my mind the last few days, people, situations, circumstances, everything. But you know what I still take time to reach out to people because I either love them or have love for them. And I am noticing more and more people don’t do the same. It’s a bit disappointing, but it still doesn’t deter me from still caring and asking how people are. Especially during this time of year where studies show how people are more prone to stress, anxiety, and depression for various reasons.

I read somewhere that over 50% of people have no internal dialogue…like no personal or original thoughts. If this is true, some people I know are starting to make a lot more sense to me…just completely dense.

Even in my writing I mention or reference people and sometimes I talk about hurtful experiences with some of them, but I really have not ill feelings towards anyone in my life. We are all very different and we interact with people differently. Even the last man I was sleeping with, I do not have any issues with him, we are harmony…well, the best harmony we can give each other. And even the 20 something year old who I mentioned is very sweet on me I have nothing bad to say about him. He has severely irritated me recently. He’s just young and really doesn’t grasp the concept of what I occurs in my life. He keeps sending me text messages saying “Hey” — That’s it. That’s all he says.

The first few times, I entertained it and responded in kindness because I figured he did not have much to say want just wanted to say Hi. But then he kept sending that one word message and I’m just like….See this is why I can’t be with anyone young. There is no substantial dialogue and when there is some sort of conversation it is very dense and superficial. I don’t really follow today’s music, I stopped watching those stereotypical reality shows and dramas years ago, I don’t like discussing other people or getting into their personal business, so I can talk to you about the simple things, but it can only go so far. Either way, I don’t have anything bad to say about that young man, he’s sweet, and I said before he is farther in life that most of his peers, he’s not in a dead-end job, he has his own place, he doesn’t waste money, and he’s on a good path. I’m just can’t mentally keep taking a few steps back just to carry a conversation.

Someone asked me if I am noticed my conversations with people are not as stimulating as they used to be because I am in a doctorate’s program. I have noticed that mood becomes a bit stale when someone isn’t saying anything intrinsic, but it’s been like that for a while now.

Anyway, let’s get off of that, this topic is about love.

I know we all define love differently and sometimes we do hurt the ones we care about, but is there a limit? Like is there a moral compass on what lines we should not cross? I think so. Say if you are involved with someone and you tell them you love them, is it odd that they don’t share to others that they deeply care about you? Like how can you love me, but you downplay your feelings about me to other people? I completely understand not letting people into your business, but if you have strong feelings for someone, shouldn’t that at least be known?

Love does make us do unexpected things. It’s an odd emotion. Love makes me drop everything and take a flight to comfort a friend. Love makes me defend people even when they don’t deserve my support for them. Love sometimes keeps me quiet in order not to cause a conflict. Love also sometimes has me accepting that people will never understand who I am when I am willing to understand them. Love is happiness and love is pain.

This is one of my Godsons. His mother and I have been friends since grade school.

When the love is good and genuine, you never what to let it go, but everything doesn’t last forever. You just have to enjoy while you have it. Remember when I said I got put my shoes back on after getting comfy in the house just go catch up with a friend I rarely see? That is the type of genuine love I have for several people in my life…getting uncomfortable to go towards comfort. — I hope that makes sense.

But when love is pain, it can tear us down and eat away at us. I told someone that “Pain never really goes away, we just learn to manage it better.” And that goes for any type of hurt we experience because pain is pain and none of us is immune to it and there is not a way to categorize what type of pain is worse. You cannot tell someone what they feel isn’t as bad how someone else may feel. Again Pain is Pain, just like a sin is a sin, whether it is lying or stealing, it is still a sin, correct?

The hope is that we get through any pain and become stronger and still be able to show and give love to people. And I want to believe that people do not intentionally seek to hurt anyone that’s why I tend to give people more grace than they may deserve, but sometimes people make decision to just appease themselves and you’re just in the crossfire.

I want to keep being happy

I am not in love, but I have love and give love and I think that is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves.

SIDEBAR: If you guys partake in watching adult entertainment, then you know who Mia Khalifa is. I did not bother to watch this show/podcast, the headline just caught my eye because it’s been a hot topic here and everyone has their own views on it. If any of you watched it, let me know what the conversation was about, is a man really lacking something if he is dating someone who is 10 or 20 years younger than him? (I know the last man I was involved with was over 10 years, not over 15, but at least 10 years older. Our communication wasn’t awkward because I had already experienced a few major milestones in life and our paths were parallel to one another, so we were able to discuss things that were relative to each other). But is a man lacking something mentally, emotionally, or something that he see it better to impress a younger woman than a woman his age?

Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

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Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.