Appearing Acts

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

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Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.

Sure, Tell Me More

Have you ever had a man tell you what you should and should do or how you should and should be, but then you realize he's not contributing to your happiness, comfort, growth, well being, or peace of mind? — Sir, what are you trying to do here? Why haven't men gotten the memo that when he’s making her happy, she's willing to listen a lot more than when she’s not. So if you don’t know how to treat or finesse a woman, just admit that and go.

You cannot control a woman who isn't happy. Period.

Women are simple in theory, but once you get our emotions involved, it can get messy. Want to make her happy? Hear what she is saying, but pay attention to what she is not saying. Mind her body language and eye contact. And when you speak, see what she is reacting to.

I cannot not speak for all women, but I hate feeling like there an imbalance of effort and empathy. Sometimes women tend to care too much, it is sort of what makes us very different from men…aside from other obvious things. But the other problem is, men tend to care too late. — Hence, the miscommunication between the sexes.

It’s not only women not knowing how to speak to men, it is also men not knowing how to speak to women. We cannot speak to everyone the same. We were all brought up differently, different areas, different home lives, different set of rules, different experiences. Now, I am not saying we need to do a thorough background investigation on everyone in our lives, but we should actively listen to people and take into consideration that they will not always understand things from our point of view. Yes, it can be frustrating…extremely frustrating. But, effective communication isn’t one sided. And to be infuriated with someone has the same level of passion as being tangled in love with them or staying so far away from them because laying eyes on them brings about an array of mixed feelings.

A good friend said this to me:

When someone doesn't know how to speak to you, but they care, they will still find a way to keep track of you and be happy and proud of you from afar until they can be around you again.

I am not sure how I feel about that. Part of me finds it flattering to have someone stay in the shadows and still watch for me and another part of me thinks I rather want to know when someone cares. Words of Affirmation is my top love language along with physical touch. — Let me know you've noticed. Make an effort to engage with me, that's my happy chemical.

I feel like good communication is a lost art 😕. Kind of like chivalrous behavior with men. I still notice when men either don’t or do stand up when a woman enters the room. Or when a man walks on the side of a woman that’s closer to the street. Maybe some of us are too “old school” for this new generation that likes fast things, instant gratification, easy people, and empty relationships. I refuse to fit in with the crowd just to be fun. — I like meaningful conversations. Tell me more.

Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

 
 

Is He In A Relationship?

Below is a clip from MTV’s Girl Code discussing men who are in relationship already.

I know everyone has their own views of dating, but I am firm on if a man is involved with someone, he is NOT available to you. This could mean that he is sleeping with someone else, but “it’s not serious” or he just started to get to know someone, or anything that includes him calling/texting/spending time with a woman on a regular basis. — He’s involved (my opinion). Men will disagree.

I once found out a man I was starting to get involved with was LIVING WITH SOMEONE! YES, a whole woman he was sharing not only a home with, but also a bed with! We were only a few weeks into getting to know each other, so nothing too serious had yet occurred outside of dates, holding hands, and goodnight kisses. How I found out was I felt that something didn’t add up (women’s intuition). I noticed certain ques in the things we talked about and how he would be inconsistent with some topics, so I started to ask the hard and direct questions. I stopped all communication with him the instant I found out. I am not going to be the reason why another woman questions her man/boyfriend/husband/lover/etc.

And I do think it’s true that married men have more confidence because they already have an established home to go to, so it doesn’t affect them any bit if a woman turns them down (that’s only if he is still maintaining his home and taking care if his familial/marital responsibilities). I have a wonderful friend, love him dearly, who is like this and he makes it very clear he is not leaving his wife and he is not going to allow any woman damage his home. I can respect that. Now, as far as what the women decide to do, is on them.

But whether you consider it a “Girl Code”, karma, or just going against your personal values, it’s never a great idea to get involved with a man who is already involved. When he seems to be secretive or distant, don’t avoid reg flags, pay attention to things he says vs. what he does, how available he is outside of work, the reasons he gives you, and as always….follow your intuition. But, if you are one of those women who just likes to have fun and doesn’t look too much into dealing with an involved man other than not having permanent ties, I’ll never understand it, but hey, if it works for you and not causing you or the man any stress, then who am I to speak on it?

*There was something funny I heard someone say: “The next guy has only 1 time to fuck up. After that I’m going back to my last dude.” 🤣 — Is this what it has come too? Lol, I may as well just stay inside. 😂

Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.

On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.

Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

  • Your energy

  • Your confidence

  • Your hard work

  • Your finances

  • Your rewards

  • YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

  • Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

    • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

  • I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

 
 

The Men We Choose

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show everything. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴

Self-Care, Peace & The V Care

UPDATE 1: Some of you answered my questions in the last section. - Thank you.😊

UPDATE 2: I needed to let the answers sink in before I gave my response…(very bottom).

UPDATE 3: The reader further explained her arrangement with her friend.

Taking care of yourself has become a priority over the years when researchers found that stress leads to many health complications which has birthed the whole “self-care” movement. We see ads, images, and events surrounding around taking care of You. What is self-care? - There is really no wrong or right answer. My definition of it is pretty simple, take the time to yourself, relax, cook, read a book, draw a hot bath, watch some television, etc.

My self-care is about letting go of any ill thoughts that tighten my mind. If something is upsetting me, I walk though it — why it upsets me, what my connection is to it, how important it is to me, and then let it go. Here’s one antidote for example: I was in a text conversation the other day and there was one topic that kept getting brought up (hint: when things keep coming to surface, there is still an issue. If you notice someone continuing to mention the same things, there is still an issue, pay attention to it). There was a point in the discourse where I could feel myself getting frustrated and wanted to be like, fuck this, they don’t value my opinion, I give up, but giving up on things is not a strong suit and I had to pause and think, What can I do to aide this problem? After I noticed that the conversation circled around one topic, I decided, OK, I’m going to fix this and it was a very simple solution, so I pulled the plug on it and it never has to be an issue for this person again. The person also mentioned a separate issue that I am absent minded on, so I cannot fix anything that I am not aware of and I can only do but so much when I’m not the only one involved. Part of peace of mind is to release what binds you. When you think of something and it brings you back to a negative space or your facial expressions, body language or demeanor immediately change, and you don’t find yourself laughing, then you haven’t gotten peace from it. — Think on it, sort it out, and lay it to rest.

When communicating with people, you have to pay attention to what You are paying attention to while also actively listening. — Give and receive, not give and take. I am a very analytical person, I look/listen for the intention of someone’s words, the tone, and the content - what are they trying to say to me and how I am understanding it and is how I am understanding it coming across in a way that it is understandable for them? The biggest problem with communication is that we want to express ourselves and get results for us, but we are not open to hearing what results someone else wants. I don’t want to be like that, so part of my self-care is making sure other parts of my life like my relationships with people is grounded, not superficial and deflective. I don’t always shut people out….and sometimes I make plans with the girls. — We are all so spread out in our lives now, careers, families, etc. that it’s becoming harder and harder to get together.

But it was something that one of you said a few weeks ago that struck a cord….

”On my self-care days, I get waxed, washed up, buy some new Vickie’s and call up a guy and have him come over to satisfy me. I do it once a month. I’m not married, not in a relationship, but I still need my needs met to help me release any pent up tension.” 😯

I never thought to think of self-care in that manner, but this person brings up a good topic…Is self-care also “V-Care”? So if we spend the whole day surrounded around taking care of the 😺 does that then take care of everything else? I think in a previous post we had a guy in the comments say something along the lines of when a woman is upset, she only needs 2 things: Food and 🍆. How true is this statement to any of you? I just can’t bring myself to call up a man and say, “Hey. My House. Tonight. 9pm. Bring pizza.” - I’m sure there is more conversation and finesse to this, but let me run through this…

Say if I am having a bad week or my week was so hectic that I barley had a chance to breathe, I take a few hours to freshen myself up and call in some 🍆??? Is there an app for that? 😂 — I guess there is some good health aspects to….ummm…getting your feminine needs met, but I’m trying to wrap my mind around the concept of using another person to do that. This isn’t like a simple massage where you get some muscles worked out and there’s relaxing music in the background with scented candles….THIS is a completely different massage where you get many muscles worked out 😮 ….and relaxing music in the background with scented candles. Are the men okay with this??? What agreements are there? If I’m inviting the guy over, do I provide the food? Do I let him stay over? Do we watch tv first? How does this all work? I’m so mind blown about this different form of self care. I never thought of sex as being self-care, but it makes sense. Am I late to the game??? Am I being selfish with myself???

_______

UPDATE #1: Thank you to those of you who answered my silly questions, I have no clue what to think of this. I am in shock and awe. 🤣

“Hey Raya! No you don’t have to do any of that stuff. He can just come over for one reason and leave. If you want to go all out, get yourself a nice hotel, it can be local and have a good night there.”

“YES you are late to the game! LOL. But you don’t seem to be that type anyway so you’re good. Some of us need that v-care to stay sane. It’s like getting your routine oil changed in the car. It doesn’t have to be every month. Only when you are really feeling out of it and the regular self care stuff isn’t working.”

“Girl yes! Get you someone to give you a special massage. It can just be a friend or someone you won’t run into a lot. Those spas can only do so much for us. Have a man you can do anything with and not think anything of it the next day except that he helped you relieve some stress.”

“I’m the one who said that. The guy I call is a friend. He is not in a relationship either and he calls me too when he needs something, so it is mutual. We started making a joke out of it and call it, ‘making an appointment’. We do hang out a little before and after because I like to cuddle and because we are friends we just chillout for a little. I don’t want to feel cheap and he understands that. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he brings food or he cooks. When he calls I go to his place. When I call he comes to mine. After we are done we don’t talk about it. We talk about everything else except ‘the appointment’. Both of us are in our forties and I’m not in the dating scene. I’m not sure if he is because we don’t talk about that either, but when I am over his house I don’t see any women’s stuff so Idk. I am an attorney and he is a doctor so we work around the clock. This deal works for us.”

_______

UPDATE #2: Ok, so how I am understanding this is the v-care is just as important to self-care as it is to mental health, yes? My conundrum is how would I even present this proposition to a man? If I were to consider this, it definitely would not be a stranger, but surely a friend I trust and who is also unattached. I also very much understand the “not feeling cheap” part, so my other confusion is, would it blur the lines if I called him for other things like for example, helping me put together a bookcase or move furniture? Because if he is my friend, would he not be willing to assist me in other aspects of my life or would I need to call someone else for that? Or if I’m just randomly out, it is good form to see if he wants come hang out with me? I’m not in the dating scene either so the special arrangement does have an allure to it, but I feel like it can be problematic. Women tend to be territorial by default, should there be a discussion on how we act towards each other when we are in public and around other people or friends? If we have a special arrangement then how special should we treat each other when in public? Am I overthinking this?

____

UPDATE #3: From the reader with the arrangement:

"Raya, I did the same thing and asked myself all the same questions. I’m an analytical person too. I weighed out the pros and cons and the pros outweighed the cons. I was married before and my friend has never been married. I don’t have kids, he has 2 teenagers. We do hangout with our other friends. Everything is the same with our friendship except for when we have our “appointments”. I didn’t propose anything to him, we were just having fun one night when we were out with our friends and he took me home. We ended up having sex. The next day I called him and said that I can’t have this be something and we talked about it. We both came up with it together. We have been doing it for about 8 months so far. And we agreed that if it gets too much then we would stop because we don’t want to lose each other as friends. If you are going to do it, I highly suggest it’s someone you already know and who is kind of in the same boat as you. Another thing is you have to be honest with each other and there are things that you will need to talk about so none of you gets confused. I don’t recommend this for everyone, just people who work a lot or are busy a lot and still want something to make her feel like a woman.

Mind of a Boy

So this topic spawned from “Then What Good Is He?” post where some of you ladies shared your thoughts and experiences with men who seem to be fickle. One of you said, “Men who are unsure have the mind of a child and you will notice younger women around them because most younger women are still developing their futures.” I thought this was a very profound statement and want to go into it more. My friend groups range from 30s and up. I see my guy friends entertain women in their 20s here and there, but it never really works out and many of you can take a guess why. Also, I want to point out, we see older wealthy men or celebrity men date much younger women, but we have to understand their lives are not like ours so we cannot compare those groups together. We are talking about the everyday men, whatever their profession or tax bracket.

Yes, younger women seem to be more sexualized, we can attribute that to social media and reality television. Attention is visual and the mindset of many young women is to be seen and gawked at, so I fully understand why men like to look at them. I have a friend who is near 50 and he once told me, “ Young girls are good for the moment, not long term, they are fun, but unless I’m a man with no direction, I’m not taking a 24 year old seriously.” *I want to add this is NOT a dig at women in their 20’s, our generations were just exposed to different levels of sexuality. My core adolescents did not include any form of Kardashian, but the artists in my generation were Lil’ Kim, Trina, Madonna and Janet Jackson, so my age group isn’t fully off the hook either, but we also had some good family shows like Saved by The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show, etc. Let’s not forget that Marylin Monroe was sexualized too.

I loved and hated my 20’s, I had my kids young, finished my bachelor’s late, and went through a lot of stress with my ex, but when I think of it, if I waited to have children, I may not have had any today, and I may have not met the people I met or even made the moves I made. So certain poor decisions I made when I was younger helped me develop my goals. Everything that occurred in my 20’s was meant to happen so I can have the life I have today. And when I see an older man with a younger woman, I tend to wonder if this is one of her bad decisions that she is going to learn from or is this a poor decisions on the man’s behalf that’s impeding this young woman to have the 20’s experience she needs. I really believe that your 20’s is when you make all the mistakes, your 30’s is learning/recovering from those mistakes, your 40’s are where you continue to build, and your 50/60’s is when you start take it all in.

So one perspective is if a man finds interest in a much younger woman, is he in denial of his own age or avoiding something else? Another reader said, “A single man above 45 has serious baggage, commitment issues, and other demons.” - I’m not sure if I want to cosign on that, but I do wonder why a man of a certain age is still single. Although, there are men who are lifelong bachelors, but doesn’t he want partnership or doesn’t he get tired of skipping from one woman to the next only to go through the same cycle time and time again? — I guess there are women who do the same. Do you remember Cher once said, “Men are a luxury, not a necessity.” I cannot see myself going from one man to the next, my personal values doesn’t allow that, but I can understand why some women may choose that lifestyle.

Why do we call out men who don’t want to commit? Why are they so fickle and undecided? Are they really just boys trapped in men’s bodies? Because what do boys do? They like to play games and hang out with their friends, they enjoy instant gratification, the look at pretty girls, they cannot articulate their emotions, they don’t like to be challenged by women aside from their mom…hmmmm…maybe the reader who made the first statement is on to something?

People swear they won’t do something then turn around and do it worse.

Three different groups of people I talk to are my family, those I work with, and friends I don’t see often, so I am for certain my name cannot be brought up in anyone’s busines, but my own.

Thanks to one of the readers who sent this to me.

He should challenge you and be open to you challenging him.

Soul Mates, Real or BS?

Let me be honest, I don't believe in soul mates when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm not a love hater, I believe being in love is one of the best feelings, but I also believe you have several soul mates in life. You see, I believe that our souls live on in other lives and connect with other souls they knew from previous lives. That's what I think soul mates are.

You ever notice we bond with our friends differently then how we bond with our intimate partners? When guys get together they can go over the top for one another for support, celebration or whatever, same when it's a group of women. But when it comes to our partners, we tend to be a little more conservative. Why is that? The heart is a funny organ but really it's not where the love develops, it's in your nervous system, your feelings, your experiences, your memories. The heart takes on stress and pain when we get hurt and it makes us feel like we are floating when we love someone. I value my friendships because these are people I chose to interact with and be in my life. With relationships, it gets a little clouded.

At this point in my life I'm making such little effort in being in a relationship that if a man just came to me and said, "You're going to be my girlfriend now." I may just go with it 🥴. As far as courtship and romance, I do think that you can find "your person" in someone you can lean on for comfort, safety, and support. It may last, it may not but in the good moments keep you hopeful, yes? To be honest I really don’t know what I want. Clarity? Reassurance? Stability? A man who isn’t afraid to tell me he wants to see me and take risks with me. Disappointment is inevitable, but it’s the level of disappointment and how much you are willing to tolerate is the struggle. And I know I get so wrapped up in my own pride that I don’t always tell someone how I feel. I think everyone wants to be loved and feel loved, but not everyone knows how to reciprocate it.

It is said that soul mates always find each other. Well, if my definition of soul mates is accurate, then I more believe that some feelings never go away and it doesn’t take much to come together again.

Then What Good Is He?

(Commenting enabled until Fri, 02/11/2022 at 6pm.)

Common Topic Among Women: Why are men flakey? In other words, why are they so into you the first few weeks and then treat you like you didn’t matter the rest of the time?

Here are some of your comments.

1 - “I dated a guy a few years ago and he was great the first month. He would send me cute text messages everyday and make plans with me. He introduced me to his friends and we always had fun when we were together. But then the next month it was like none of that ever happened. I was hurt. I hate when a man make you think he is interested but then turns on you.”

  • I think sometimes men are so oblivious to what they do that they don’t realize how damaging they can be because there is always going to be another woman who has yet to know how this man is and she’ll get all the same treatment until something in his mind tells him that he wants something different, but nothing changes except the women.

2 -”I meet guys like this all the time. They chase you and when you give them a chance they fuck it up. You can have everything, the looks, the attitude, the smarts, the money, but they still will find a way to make you feel basic. Men like this are trash.”

  • I will continue to say this: BOYS. ARE. STUPID. — I have a son and I already see certain things in him that will frustrate some women.

3 - “Men who get all excited about a women in the beginning and then start to shade her later on are still boys and don’t know what they want especially when they realize the woman is on her shit and won’t put up with the nonsense. I delt with a guy like this and when he started to switch things up on me, I started asking questions and then he started to call me paranoid and told me I don’t know what I’m talking about and he tried to use that against me. THIS IS GASLIGHTING!”

  • This is definitely gaslighting. Anytime someone makes you feel crazy for trying to find logic in someone’s actions or behaviors is an act of narcissism and gaslighting.

4 - “Men think that they can discard women and just get a new one whenever they want. The problem is there are so many thirsty women willing to give men what they want and women like us suffer because we have standards.”

  • It does seem like when we set a standard that isn’t convenient for men, they kind of slip back into the shadows and make it seem like we are being too much.

5 - “I think when women become too understanding that’s when men take advantage and think they can keep skating by with their bs. If a man isn’t willing to see his ways and know it’s toxic, then he ain’t no good for any woman. They will flirt with every woman and hug on her and make her think he’s a good one but then he acts like he didn’t do anything to give mixed signals.”

  • I feel like a lot of men are like this. I think they like attention more than women do at times. It feeds their egos to know women want them and sometimes they act on impulses and don’t think about the woman who really cares about them. Again, BOYS. ARE. STUPID.

6 - “Men pull the ookie doke on women. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They ask a woman what she likes and then he plays the part to get her, but after that they lose interest and go and do it again with someone else.”

  • I feel like I know guys like this. They claim to “want to understand you” but then act like they don’t understand you at all. For instance, men who say they don’t mind for a woman to have a social life or hang out with friends, but later makes snide comments about it trying to make her feel bad for being out to doing things without him. Huh?

Here’s the thing, I feel like if you are going to give me great energy in the beginning, then keep it going, otherwise don’t waste my time because all the love I gave you could have been going to someone who is really worthy of it. And it seems like most of you ladies feel the same way. If a man cannot be consistent or treats you like a stranger after a few weeks, then what good is he?

But let me add something else: I have just as many married friends as I do single friends so all connections don’t go sour. Or maybe the married ones just have a certain understanding in their relationship about what is and isn’t accepted. — All healthy relationships have compromise.

Another One

Let’s try this again…differently.

Video Summary:

One of my friends helped me not feel so awkward recording myself. The funny thing is, I'm fine recoding my voice only, but when my face is on camera, I get nervous. So my friend was in a chat on my laptop and picked your questions at random for me to answer while my phone was recoding. It helped that it didn't seem like I was talking to myself.

  1. What is your type of guy?

    • Everyone has a type, if you don’t then you don’t have standards. You have to narrow down what you like otherwise you’re open to just anyone. My men have usually been talk, good grooming, nice teeth, and athletic build. I love a dapper man. As for character, I like him to be funny, fun to be around, I can be myself with him, not judgmental, and shows that he cares about me. 🤗 *Not mentioned in the video - I like when a man remembers or notices things about me that I don't even remember or notice. I like a man who pays attention. 😌

  2. Would you like a sugar daddy?

    • WHAT???!!! Who would ask this? 😂 NO THANK YOU!

  3. You have nice titties. (This is NOT a question. 😐 😑)

    • Thank you to whoever said that. I almost died for these. 😟

  4. Would you ever mess with a married man?

    • ABSOLUTLEY NOT. I have married friends and I respect their marriage. I also have friends that have special arrangements outside of their marriage and they way they do it still respects their spouses, so I do not pass judgment on them. I ended a long term friendship with someone who was in love with a married man, he was not married when they met, but the guy ended up marrying someone else and still kept talking to my exfriend. What really ended the friendship for me was how she was talking about the wife. You NEVER talk down on the spouse no matter what you are being told. And a man who is talking about his wife to another woman is garbage. You never know what is going on in a person’s marriage and there’s always another side to the story. Plus, I truly believe a woman knows who she marries, so the other woman thinking that she’s going to reveal any “surprises” to the wife isn’t doing anyone justice. If you are going to mess with a married man, have your fun and go, but don’t think you are replacing anyone in his life. 🤡 And might I add, even with people who are not married and are in another form of relationship, still a man who discusses his issues with a woman in a foul way is pure despicable. A relationship between two people, no matter the arrangements, still requires a veil of respect. A man who bad mouths a woman to other people, is a man who is unaware of himself.

  5. What is your skincare routine?

    • Nada. I don’t do anything special with my skin. I use a store bought cleanser and rosehip oil on my face at night. I also use satin pillow sheets which is good for your skin and hair. I still get blemishes and blackheads that I like to pick at (I know, it’s nasty). I even like to pick at other people’s blackheads. 🤓

  6. What is your favorite flavor hookah?

    • Which one of my friends asked this question? 😃 Because I feel like whoever asked this has hung out with me before. I like pairing mint with other flavors. I feel that mint makes the hookah taste more potent.

  7. What do you consider a perfect date?

    • A good date involves food and is during the day. If the date is going good then you can make plans for later. If the date is going bad then you can say you are busy later on. I like old silly traditions like bringing a girl flowers on the first date. *Not mentioned in the video - I don’t like movie dates unless you two have been together for some time already, but for the first few dates, I want to talk and get to know someone. 👩‍❤️‍👨

  8. What outfit do you suggest for a girls night?

    • Whether it is a girls night or a date night or just a night out, wear things that compliment you and highlight your best feature. I’m a legs girl so I’m usually showing thighs when I can. I also like some mystery, so if I am showing legs then I’m covering up in other places, but if you want to show it all, then go for it, whatever you feel great in. 💃

  9. What is you drink of choice?

    • Tito’s and lemonade or if I’m at my favorite bar, then Tea Time. 🥃

  10. What is your favorite sex position?

    • I was not comfortable answering this question. I like to look at you and gaze. I’m sensual and value that kind of intimacy. Other things can happen, but at some point I want our eyes to connect. 💦

Men Are Demons

(Comments disabled)

DISCLAIMER: Much of this is just for laughs, [Men] please don’t take offense.

I’ve said many times over that I set my boundaries with men. But it is extremely important to set even more boundaries with men that you may give in to. And I hate when they know you’re attracted to them because they like to test you. This was the recent topic in my girls chat, I was sitting at the bar and 4 of my friends and I were in a group chat texting back and forth about how men are just….UGH and EW. (I know it’s not good etiquette to have my face buried in a phone when I am out in public when I should be paying attention to what’s going on around me; I’ve been in my own little world lately.)

When men know you have a certain soft spot for them, they will try to touch your soft spots 😳. Men are the devil. Especially when they know everything in your life is going smoothly, skin is clear, hair is healthy, eating right, exercising, routine spa visits, then boom, here they come trying to touch your nipples and bend you over the couch 😒. Boy, first of all, I hate you, and secondly, get the hell away from me. (Sidebar: I’ve not been hanging out with anyone, for you readers who like to think I’m hiding someone in my basement 😆). This topic is just a funny satire of how men unexpectedly bust into your life and fck sht up...like the Kool-Aid Man…uh, could you at least send compensation for our pain and suffering???)

Men know if they can catch you at a vulnerable moment they can get you panty-less. That’s fckd up fellas. And it’s smooth how they do it. They casually drum up a conversation with you, ask you about your day, tell you about their day, and then they make you laugh…and that’s IT…the moment they see you laughing, that’s when they turn up the charm even more. — Don’t do it ladies, be strong, don’t laugh at anything he says, IT’S. A .TRAP or at least don’t ever see him in person. Don’t let him get near you, don’t even let him breathe around you. My friend says when a man makes you laugh your 😺 starts purring. WHAT?! 🤣 What if I’m just trying to be nice???

Men should never be worried about what a woman wears. He should be worried about how he treats her.

One time, I agreed to meet one of my guy friends for lunch, I always knew he was sweet on me, anytime we hung out with our friends, he’d always make sure I had a drink, didn’t let anyone mishandle me, and made sure I got home safely. He is very charming, but he has those playboy tendencies and he’s been through a few people I know, so I never opened that door of opportunity. While on the phone with him, I was going down the list of different types of food places: BBQ, Italian, Southern, and then I asked him, “Do you like Thai food or have you had it before?” — THIS M.EFFER HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY, “I’m trying to have you.” I wanted to laugh so badly, because that was kind of smooth and slick at the same time, but I held it in, casually ended the phone call, and never met him for lunch 😕. — No sir, not happening. You better find another Thai woman. Although, I do give him cool points for saying that to me. — Hey you miss all the shots you don’t take, right? I probably would have let him hear me laugh if he’d already seen me naked, but I take pride in not giving in to every man who wants to “🍆 me down”. Men are so inappropriate sometimes, but the sad ones are the men who just meet me and want to buy me things…like he assumes I’m that type of woman who gets excited over that. I don’t know how many times I was offered a shopping spree, an expensive bag, or a car. Boy, I don’t even know you 😐.

Just keep in mind, Men have cooties, no telling when the last time they washed their bedsheets and when the last time they replaced their pillows. Most of them don’t even notice your matching bra and panty set, they just tell you to take them off…Boys. Are. Stupid. 😒 I spent all this money on this lace, the least you can do is admire it before you snatch it off me 😠. — No matter how well put together they seem to be, how successful they are, if they own a home, drive a nice car…Everything in their heads is a mess.

Lingerie from Smart & Sexy

My one girlfriend was on a 6 month self-cleansing journey one time, she had just gotten promoted, bought a house, everything was going great for her. Then one day, she runs into a man she used to crush on and a few drinks later, she was calling an Uber the next morning from his house. Then they starting dating for a few months, she didn’t do the same things she was doing before because she wanted to spend more time with him and after about the 3rd month he started to switch things up on her. (Let me be clear, all men and situations like this do not end the same. There are men who stay consistent and build with you, this guy just wasn’t one of them.) So after they ended things, my friend kind of was down on herself about it, questioning herself why she gave in and why she made so many adjustments in her life so soon for a man. (Again, nothing wrong with doing this, we take risks for love, but sometimes it doesn’t end happily.)

My other friend had just gotten over a bad breakup, she was focusing on herself, her business, and taking fun trips every other weekend. Someone from her past sent her a text message to meet up. They hung out a few times and yes, they began having sex but it wasn’t a formal relationship, nothing was confirmed about their status. She starting thinking this would develop into a serious relationship up until he kept giving her mixed signals, one week he would be all into her and the next week he wasn’t. She put up with this for a month and a half before she just decided to cut him out completely. (People coming back from your past isn’t always a bad omen, sometimes people need to leave and work on themselves, this man didn’t do that, He was on his fckboy bs.)

Stories like this make me never want to go outside or answer anyone’s calls because I’ll be damned if I’m out minding my own business and a man is smelling good, dressed nice, saying all the right things, responds to my text quick, sexes me good and makes my body tremble, brings me food, and then the next thing you know, he’s got a toothbrush at my place and I’m cooking him dinner…Boy, BYE. I don’t need that mess in my life right now. (*This is actually how relationships should be; stability and understanding are highly attractive attributes.) If you are not going to be obsessed with me, then don’t even look at me 😆….Smh, men are demons.

Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

 
 

Summary of the Vlog:

  1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

  2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

  3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

  4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

The Gatsby Man

(Comments disabled. If you have questions or input, please use the CONTACT ME option.)

When you hear the name Gatsby, you probably think about extravagant parties. The story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote is loosely based on his relationship with his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. The book is a love story, a sad love story and it is one of my favorites. Jay Gatsby is a fictional character, he is an idea, but it is the realism of a man who will do anything when he is in love — at least I think that is what the author was trying to convey. A man in love may not do the same things as Gatsby did to win back Daisy, but a man may do irrational things to prove to a woman how much he admires her. There is something thrilling about that.

Naked Wardrobe: Search “A Real Catch”

A friend recently said to me, “Raya. I don’t think you’ve ever been in love. You may have loved people and you know what love is, but you never been in love.” — To which I gracefully nodded. Being in love warps your thinking, it’s similar to being in lust which also has you doing things you would not normally do, but when you are in love, you do things that change the long term effects of your life. For instance, Gatsby created businesses and bought a huge house with housekeepers and servants just to prove to Daisy he can give her everything she needs. He spent years making enough money and kept track of her to one day get the chance to convince her to be with him. Does that sound crazy? And is it crazy if you are in love?

Yes, I’ve done things I’ve never done or normally would not do for men I have been involved with, but the list was short. And each man did not get all the same benefits. For instance, I gave my ex children, I didn’t give anyone else kids (but that is more logical reasoning than anything else). Another man I knew worked late hours and he would call on his way home just to talk. I’d be sleeping most of the time, but I kept my ringer on so I wouldn’t miss his call. I’ve not done that with anyone else. You see, I don’t believe everyone is the same because everyone isn't the same, hence not every man is the same. And ladies, do we agree that each man we’ve been involved with has brought out something different in us that the other man has not done before?

But what if Gatsby wasn't Gatsby? What if he was an average man, with an average living wage? Or less? What would this kind of man do to gain the love of his sweetheart? I think he’d be more creative. I think he’d pay more attention to what she likes and find a way to make her smile without superficial objects. Gatsby could afford anything Daisy wanted and with Daisy being the character that she is in the book, she validated luxury with love. I think I would rather someone listen to my interests and surprise me with what he comes up with.

My friends and I talked about love languages recently. There are 5 of them:

  1. Words of Affirmation: Saying words of encouragement, support, and confirmation.

    • This is the language I speak the most. I believe saying good things to people goes a long way. *One of the main attributes that I'm aware of within myself is that I can be great with words or I can be vicious with words and that is because my intellect extends beyond spoken language. I read people.

  2. Gifts: Giving little or big presents to someone, depending on the person's likes.

    • I like giving gifts that relate to the person in some way. I feel like it’s confirmation of what I’ve noticed about them and I appreciate people who do the same for me.

  3. Physical Touch: Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

    • I am really not an affectionate person, but when I really like someone, I’m more willing to show and receive physical affection.

  4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.

    • This probably the one I cherish most. When someone chooses to spend their time with me and we just enjoy each other's company it means the world to me.

  5. Acts of Service: Doing nice things for someone.

    • The is another one I hold high regards for. I love it when someone does little things that help make my day go by easier.

I believe I speak all these languages and I’d want all these languages spoken to me. So the Gatsby type of man is not the ideal man, he’s a fantasy, a void, a romantic idea, a superficial feeling. I don't want a Gatsby, I want a partner. A partner in compassion, a partner in consideration, a partner in understanding, a partner in love.

 
 

Worth The Fight

(Comments enabled until Sunday Jan. 16th, 6pm.)

This first paragraph has nothing to do with the topic, but it is not enough for me to create a separate post about it. — You know what I learned recently? Being a free spirit can be also considered as being hoe or participating in hoe-like activities. Huh? When did this happen? I bring this up because one of the things I want to do differently is to say “Yes” more, not to anything that jeopardizes my health or my values, but saying yes to new experiences (this may be hard to do right now since I spend much of my time studying and working and I’m inside by or before 8pm and asleep by 10pm. Lol, I told you my personal life is not that exciting, it’s all emails, deadlines, books, writing, editing, and online shopping 😁). The idea of saying Yes more is similar to being a free spirit which is now apparently a vague term, it can mean so many things. It still mainly means being fun loving, right? But what’s fun for one person may not be fun for the next, so I guess the definition is unique to each person. I am still going to stay grounded; I can make mistakes, I just can’t make major ones that drastically change the dynamics of my life. So hopefully saying yes to things doesn’t land me on the questionable line between right and wrong.

Moving on: I told you previously that I would ask this question…

At what point do you decide the person you are fighting with is the person worth fighting for?

So we talked about make up sex recently and other things pertaining romantic relationships, I still cannot get over some of your messages and I completely appreciate your openness to share it with me. I don’t know if I can be so comfortable being very open talking about my…ummm… “Oochie Wally” 👀 with people who are not touching my…ehem…“Oochie Wally” 🤐. But thinking beyond the physical yearning for someone, the mental yearning is just as strong, Yes?

With the stories and scenarios you guys shared with me, it made me think about what makes a functional relationship and what makes a person hold on when things are difficult? Aside from that, what makes a person worth telling people “Yeah, I'm talking to someone.”? Because there are so many opportunities to do anything with anyone these days and I just can’t get on board with it. I’m practical with how fluid people are with each other these days but, I’m traditional in wanting someone to protect what we share together. And trust me, if you're having sex with someone, the relationship is beyond what you think or say it is. So don’t downplay it or hide it, because at that point you’re just trying to challenge people's intelligence.

Relationships are a risk, aren’t they? You are making adjustments in your life to fit this person in. You are compromising, you are thinking of not just you anymore. How and when do you know it’s worth it?

Misguided: Search “Plisse Long Shirt”

I don’t know if I can properly answer the any of these questions. When I fought with my ex I fought for loyalty and respect to our home and family. In hindsight I think the only times I was fighting for Him was when we first got together. - When I genuinely wanted to be around him, hear him, touch him, smell him. We were very young and I had different goals then, my mind was not the same. As time when on, we grew to want different things, the fighting became normal and my opinions about him changed…Yes, I can admit I changed. But isn’t that what we all do eventually? Especially when we want something different.

One of you made a comment that maybe the reason I refuse to stay over a man’s house is because I’ve not met anyone I wanted to spend my nights and mornings with. That comment sat with me for a while, maybe you’re right. Someone else said that a man who really cares about you will keep updated on you and sometimes support you in silence because he waiting for the right time to be everything you need him to be. That sounds good, but I don't think men wait very long. I think if you're not interacting with them frequently, then they don't think much about you. Although, it is a nice feeling to know that someone is thinking about you.

So how do I decide if someone is worth the hassle? What is the checklist or criteria for someone to still get the best of me especially when they pull out the worst in me? No relationship is simple. My best friends and I have even had our fallouts. I’ve had fallouts with family too. I just can’t always go along with something I don't fully agree with and that’s where the conflict begins. I don’t like conflict, but I’m not afraid to be heard either and I don’t like being mistaken for soft, because when I speak out, then narrative about me changes and I’m not longer soft, instead I’m a problem, even though you’ve been benefiting from my “softness” and took it for granted. What sense does that make? It’s the same story every man spins when a woman is upset and a man doesn’t acknowledge the part he played. One of my girlfriends just had a blow up with her guy and the first thing out of his mouth was telling people she was being “crazy”. Oh, okay sir, you obviously have low emotional intelligence. It takes at least two people to create a problem and neither are 100% right.

So what is the answer here? Who is and isn't worth it? I guess it will be different for everyone; what feelings are still there, what experiences were shared, what are the challenges, can it be fixed, etc. With my friends and family, anytime there was an argument, we’d just give each other space and just casually start speaking again, “Want to meet for brunch on Saturday?”, “Do you need anything from the store?”, “How was your day?”, “How have you been?”. Every relationship we have is different, although if the same things keep occurring, you have to consider that the common denominator is You. What is it that you keep doing or not doing? And if that is the case, are You worth someone’s fight?

 
 

Tech Gadgets For The Busy Woman

Who else is raising kids, working a 9-5, creating other streams of income, managing personal and professional relationships, and still trying to fit in selfcare routines? Even if you don’t have kids, life is still A LOT.

Here are some tech gadgets that double as useful life hacks:

This list is good for women OR men. Let’s get the 2 big ones out of the way first…

  1. Smartphone - Whether you are team iPhone or team Android, smartphones have really shaped our way of living. There is not much you cannot do with these things.

  2. Laptop - This one is a no brainer, everyone I know carries a laptop or similar. I am usually never more that 10ft away from my laptop. Business is 24/7.

  3. Tablet - I carry a tablet for several reasons. When I travel, I can pull out my tablet and stream movies or shows. When I am working out of the office, I use my tablet as a second screen. Lastly, I have my car mount that holds my tablet right below my dashboard and I can use it for a backup navigation or other media features.

  4. Folding Portable Bluetooth Keyboard - (See image) This little thing is lightweight and very useful! especially if I am solely using my tablet to work.

  5. Folding Portable Stand - The tablet cases are only at table level when you adjust it to hold up your tablet. I purchased a portable stand for when I use the tablet as a second screen.

  6. Portable charging pack or charging cords - I always have charging accessories in my backpack with my laptop. For the cords, I also have the small adapters for mini usb and c-type connections, just incase I need to switch out charging different devices that don’t have the same ports.

  7. Earbuds - I rarely use earbuds because many times I use text to communicate, but I have a new fond appreciation for these little things when I need to block out the noise around me. I am not an Apple user, so I found some wireless earbuds on Amazon. They have touch sensor controls and have great sound quality.

  8. Smartwatch - I traditionally love the classic analog wristwatch, but smartwatches keep me updated and informed with incoming calls, emails, and text messages when I am not right next to my phone. *Plus if you are using the earbuds, you can answer without running to your phone. So for my day to day, I opt for a smartwatch for work and switch back to my classic watch when I step out. There are a lot of fashionable styles for these watches, I had a few gold Fossil watches, but this time around I went for a more toned down and simple look with the gold mesh band, square face watch.

  9. Wireless Charging Dock - I am slowly transitioning to wireless charging for all my small devices. It cuts out the cords and you can purchase one that fits your phone, smartwatch, and earbuds.

  10. Carry All Backpack - All the above may seem like a lot, but most of these items are no larger than your hand, so a good sturdy backpack or tote bag makes it easy to carry all your gadgets with you.

Men In Style

(Comments enabled until 6pm CT second day of publication.)

DISCLAIMER: I’ll keep saying that this site is not for men, but if men choose to be here, come at your own discretion because this point of view is surely bias and if I could guess, I’d say only 10%-15% of my readers are of the male race. I do appreciate it! Anyway, here is some exciting news, in the last 3 months my site reached over 4.3 millions views! WHAT??!!! I’ll have to hire an SEO specialists to break down what all this means because I have no clue how my site is searched or found. There is an analytics tab in the admin view, but I don’t ever touch those settings. All I know to do is write, add pictures, include links that earn me commission, and make my site look presentable.

Speaking of presentable….

The styles I like on men have definitely evolved over the years. When I was in my late teens, early 20s I liked the flash mixed with a little ruggedness. Think DMX and Roc-a-Fella circa 1998. I grew up in during the hype of the underground mixtape era in the northeast, and that’s what the main 80s/90s fashion looked like - white wifebeaters or white tees, jean jackets, baggy jeans, and Timberland boots. In the winter, we wore the marshmallow coats or Starter jackets. I don’t know what the style was around that time in the south (since I leave here now) but, this was the look for us in my area.

The change in my taste parallels with the elevation I have in my own life. I am no longer a retail associate working at the mall or an entry-level customer service representative making less than 55k a year hoping for something different to happen. I am around people/men who are in higher levels of business or who are more grounded in their every day interests and who don’t sit around waiting for things to happen, they make it happen. One of my good guy friends is learning how to make and sell pipes, and he’s getting pretty good at it. Another guy friend is starting a logistics company. I’m around men who talk about stocks, real estate, business start-ups, politics, social issues, and travel which are all also my current interests. I’m still down for a crazy night on the town and foolish activities, but it’s just not as often or only on special occasions. My different girlfriend groups all have their own sense of style for men. Some like the all rugged look and others like the clean suites and ties. I am somewhere in the middle. — Be comfortable, be casual, be natural, but also be decent.

Nowadays, I like men who like to dress business casual or similar to Harvard professors - dark denim, collar shirt, and may be a good sport coat/blazer. And it’s something about a man in a turtleneck or a thin cashmere sweater 👀😍. I notice details too, the watch he wears, the shoes, the socks, and any jewelry. I don’t fare well with ripped jeans, tight pants, and no socks with dress shoes. Nor do I admire bright colors or loud patterns. I shop at places like J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Ralph Lauren for my everyday clothes, so I like men in that style range. (My outfit today is straight from the Ralph Lauren catalog. I buy men’s sweaters because I' like the fit better. It’s the same with sweatpants, I pull from the men’s section.) And I LOVE A LONG WOOL/PEA COAT! Although. I’ll still turn my neck for a fresh Timberland boot and dark wash jeans, it’s still a signature style for the northeast, it just has to fit the man right.

Toxic Envy Boutique: Search “Dreya” Dress

Here’s my breakdown of looks I think are so appealing on men:

Spring/Summer

  • Light color slacks or Dark denim

  • Plain fitted t-shirt or light button up collar shirt

  • Casual sneakers or boat shoes

  • Blazer or sport coat

  • Baseball cap, paperboy hat or fedora

Fall/Winter

  • Plain sweater, turtleneck, or button up shirt

  • Dark denim or dark slacks

  • Casual sneakers or boots

  • Long wool coat with a scarf

  • Fedora

I don’t know when I started doing it, but I look at the clothes before I look at the man. I think it is because I am very meticulous with how I step out that I scan what men consider being presentable. In middle school I went through a Tommy Hilfiger phase, 75% of my closet was T.H. and it helped that my aunt worked for the man. One of my guy friends in Georgia is always asking me to come out and help him to shopping for a new wardrobe. I think I told you guys in a previous post that this website used to give style tips, I don’t do that anymore but, I do share my fashion looks from time to time. Image is important to me, so is making a good impression. Yes, I can get distracted by what a man wears. I’m naturally observant and I’ll notice if he wears certain colors or types of garments often. I like a man who takes pride in his appearance, who doesn't just throw anything on before he leaves the house. I like a man who takes care of himself internally and externally.

 
 

Comment Control

UPDATE: 01/05/2022 - You guys are relentless 😆. Let’s agree to disagree on this. No one is bothering me, I am not stressed. I don’t have a secret lover or friend, I don’t have late night callers, none of that is going on. No one but me is waking up in my bed and I’m not sleeping in anyone else’s bed. It’s just me, myself, and I. Trust me, my life is not that interesting. I’ve always kept to myself, those who know me, know that I am very lowkey and I think that’s where people make up their own suspicions about my life. And this site has never been about my personal life. I voice my opinion and experiences on certain topics, but the main subject is never Me. So let’s put this to rest and move on. As for the person who had an issue with the comments, no I have not discussed anything further with them. We both have personal things we are dealing with right now.

UPDATE: 01/04/2022 - Thank you for all your emails about this issue and thank you for understanding. I do not want to make this a big issue. There are so many other things I need to focus my time and energy on. I have my assumptions who who certain people are and some of the comments that were not public shared too much information I wasn’t even aware of, but if these people are not revealing who they are, then I’m not going to bother with it. I’m not around many people and since my personal matter in October, I’ve been very particular with who I share things with. In time, you will be able to post comments again, and trust me, I am not losing any incentives or commissions by deactivating the comments…my money is good. I rather everyone focus on reading and enjoying the content.

UPDATE: 01/03/2022 - I changed the settings to show comments that have already been made, but you will not be able to make new comments.

Some of you have already noticed the comment issues. 26 emails and counting from readers asking why they cannot comment or read comments. It’s is not an error. I turned off commenting on all the posts and when I do that, all the comments that were made disappear too. This is temporary.

The reason for this is I got a what seemed to be a disgruntled message about some of the comments (all of you probably know which ones I’m referring to and I appreciate those of you who looked over them.) Although, I cannot control who visits my site and who wants to add in their input, this one person believed I was not being vigilant enough in controlling what is said by readers. Even though this site is not my top to-do everyday, especially now with what I am going through privately, there is an automatic filter that flags comments containing certain words or foul language; those comments never get seen by the public, but I can still see them, and Yeah, I wouldn’t want anyone to read them either. Especially the person who is already a little upset. Anyone can put an ambiguous title when they comment, I’ll never truly know if it’s a real name or not, so I can’t tell this person, “Hey, you should go talk to _______ about these comments.” No matter, this person is someone who I’ve known for a period of time and I didn’t want to be stubborn and say, “Well, you always told not to worry about what other people say and now you want me to worry about it and worry about what you’re saying and do something about it.” — I didn’t not respond with that. But I did tell this person that I couldn’t understand why they’ve been mute during a time I needed people around me to help fill in the blank spaces that’s missing from my memories and also considering how supportive I’ve always been to my friends. This person was the last person I would’ve expected not to reach out to me.

When I responded to some of your emails and told why I disabled commenting, most of you said I should not let someone else control what I do on my site and to out this person. Let me clear this up. It’s not giving away control, it’s giving a level of respect to someone who has taken offense to something that was posted my site. And what good would it do if I outed this person? Even if I wrote a “tell-all” book, everyone would be given a different name and there is at least one bombshell that would turn a few things upside-down. Although, what I talk about is never intended to offend anyone, and I cannot control what others say, we should still try to hear others out no matter their frustration or off putting delivery. — Because I would want that same grace given towards me.

I’m sorry that some of your comments disappeared in the process and most of you do engaged in the content and want to discuss it more, but like I said, this is temporary. This is definitely not how I wanted to start the new year, but I also didn’t want to start it off with ill vibes either. Honestly, I don’t even think this person would be satisfied with whatever I do; the interaction just seemed cold, aggressive and dismissive. You know how you can tell when people really want to be happy and people who want to be mad but try to mask it? Being heartless to someone doesn’t make you a better person, no matter what you have going on in your own life. In any case, until I can get a better handle on how to regulate comments, I made the decision that I felt was best.

Be good to people, even if there is no reason to be.

 

*A friend sent me this and told me that all types of relationships are hard.

*There is no man, I just agree with this.

 

Recovery 2021

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.