Successful Kids

I love how everyone has a say on how to raise kids, but what is it we really want out of our children? To grow up and be positive and progressive functioning members of society. Yes?

There are tons of books written by "experts" advising you on how to be a good parent and raise perfect offspring. Those books did not see a penny from me. Although, every now and then I come across articles that give me insight on "good parenting".

1. Want to Raise Successful Kids? Science Says These 5 Habits Matter Most

2. 7 Tips on How to Raise Successful Children According to Science

3. Science Say Parents of Successful Kids Have These 24 Things in Common

First, let's point out the obvious in each of these titles, science. But don't let that steer you away, it's more of studies and interviews than pills and potions. Each of the articles address reflections of behavior from adults. -- Human behavior is a studying science.

How we parent will affect how our children become. Teaching your children patience, kindness, acceptance, empathy, and encouraging them to explore their interests promotes a healthy relationship between parent and child. That is the goal, right? Being able to talk with your children through life's major and minor obstacles. We also should remember that just as we made mistakes growing up, our kids will too. So allowing them to fall is not bad parenting. Let them learn about faults and failure and teach them to be aware of their decisions instead of overreacting towards them because...are YOU perfect?

Yes, we want are kids to be great, do good things, get high marks in school, win, and stay out of trouble, but how realistic is that? When we put too much on the youth, they can develop mental wellness concerns that hinders their views and understanding of the world. Stress, anxiety, and depression are not void of taking hold of people under 18 or 21. If your expectations are too high to or not even practical, your kids can become overwhelmed to appease you.

Display the expectations you want your kids to mirror, but you won't be their only role model and that's okay. The relationships you build with your children will reflect on the types role models they chose to admire. Even when you are not directly interacting with kids, they see and hear more than you may perceive. The way you speak to strangers, the way you treat service workers, the way you handle a conflict, the way you act towards loved ones, the way you take care of yourself, the way you express your thoughts or emotions, the types of relationships you foster, the kinds of people you bring them around -- children are either going to strive to be like you or look elsewhere for what you have not shown them.

I raise and treat my kids in a way where they know I love and support them, but they also know there are kinds of behaviors I will not tolerate. I am not blinded by the love I have for my kids; I know they can be in bad form at times. My kids do challenge their elders, most time it is when they want more clarity, which is acceptable, but other times it's an observation they made hidden under sarcasm and sass; that is something they see from me. I speak to my kids as if they are inexperienced adults because in actuality, that is what they are; young people who will grow up to have a life with little or without my direct influence. -- Hopefully, my guidance remains with them. They are surprisingly quick-witted for their age of knowledge and they can articulate understanding within their own world. But what is it that I do? I help bridge the gaps of ignorance, pain, loss, judgments, misfortunes, and misunderstanding to the bigger world.

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Disciplined Men

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The last post we talked about sex. Let’s go a little deeper (no pun intended for you freaks 😆). Let’s talk about the relationship you have with your partner and what makes a woman comfortable. I was afraid to do a survey on this topic because I’m still scarred from the last survey!

With everything you ladies gave me in your comments and stories, you like for a man you be about you. Even if on occasion you allow other people into your bedroom or you have an “open understanding relationship”, you still like to feel he still only chooses you at the end of the day. I get it, you guys are a unit, a union, a team, so it’s the two of you against everyone else. But with so many outside influences, how do you trust that a man isn’t being swayed towards something that does not involve you at all? Granted couples are still two separate individuals, so there are still things that you may do or decide without your partner’s input, and everyone’s relationship works differently, BUT at what point is what you do or decide to do go against any love and trust your relationship has?

If I am with someone, everyone else is for our entertainment and we are the ones who see eye to eye, we are the ones who look out for each other before we look out for anyone else. If we are at a social event, we don’t have to stand next to each other the whole time, but come around and check on me. If we are in the same room, I can look over at you anytime and you can look over at me, so I should not see any woman getting too cozy with you or touching on you like how I would. It’s not a matter of wanting control, it’s a matter of respecting each other and our bond or connection. Yes, there will be men who vie for me as their will be women who vie for him, but how we respond to those advances is very important in how the relationship is set. And if we are not public about our situation, don’t go on telling people there's nothing going on or there's no feelings between us, because then you are already setting things up to fall apart. People don’t have to know our business, but at the very least they should know that you're eyes are on me. And if a man feels he can’t do that, then he should be very honest about it.

I saw a post that read, “A man settles where he finds peace.” And I thought…Well, he needs to also offer peace and to do that he has to know what she finds peaceful. But if it’s only about him, then a man settles where it’s easy and that statement is misogynistic. Reminds me of the professional athlete I used to date when I was younger, gorgeous man, but a very selfish, narcissistic, and a bad attitude. — Also, what does a man consider peace? Not being mentally challenged? Not being questioned about his thoughts or emotions? Not being encouraged to live healthier? If a man considers peace to not be bothered when someone wants to better understand him, his actions, his moods, and wants him to be better, then he doesn't want growth, he wants contentment. And I’m too ambitious to be content, I want abundance.

Boys will be boys, even when they become men and carry and abundance of responsibilities, they are still boys. They like when pretty girls give them attention, it feeds their egos. They like knowing that they are attractive to women, it feeds their pride. But what sets men apart from reckless boys is DISCIPLINE.

The discipline of knowing he has someone who cares for him and who would be hurt if he did something to tarnish the relationship. The discipline of talking to the person he is with if something is on his mind. The discipline to learn his partner and know what she is comfortable with and what she isn’t. A progressive man knows discipline, especially if there are other women who want him. He doesn’t allow another woman to get too comfortable with him or confuse his pleasantness to be something more. He makes his boundaries very clear to other women.

This is the difference between a man playing games and a man who wants you. A man playing games either doesn’t know what he wants or he just wants what he wants from multiple people without being clear that he is not committing to one person. A man who wants you won’t make things confusing. You will know exactly where you stand with him and he’ll keep reassuring you that he’s not looking elsewhere. — That is an attractive man.

And here's is a PSA to all men, regardless if you call it dating, or seeing each other, or just being casual, what you do with a woman in private is still a type a relationship you need to be aware of, whether maintaining and growing it, or avoiding and destroying it. It is still something you consciously developed with her. — Be very mindful of that. Emotionally intelligent men are.

Listen, I'm not saying men who share their 🍆 around are bad men, trust me I have a few friends who are male whores (😒) and I accept them for how they want to be, but those type of men aren’t for me or women of a particular standard. If you have community 🍆 , good for you. That's just not my vibe. I think men who are low key and laid back are more my speed. I may have this website where I talk about many topics, but my personal life is still sacred and I like for a man to have the same sentiment; supports what I do but also trusts that I’m not allowing people in to damage our relationship.

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I Like When He...(NSFW)

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*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

HER

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For any woman (or man) who has ever doubted herself, felt lonely, went unappreciated, was lied to, disappointed, had self-esteem issues, lacked confidence, just know it’s a phase and you will get through it. So far I’ve went through this phase three times in life, and I am still pulling myself through the current one.

I seem to have these moments anytime there is a major life change where I have to make some big decisions for myself.

There is no easy way to climb out of feelings of depression and the only thing to do is decide whether this is how you want to be for the rest of your life. With the recent battle, it wasn’t just my health that set me back, although it was a major contribution, I also realized I was not “happy” for a long time. From what memories I still have, I do remember that I smiled, laughed, and hung out with people, but internally I wasn’t really present. — I was just going through the motions.

When the pandemic shutdown in March 2020 began, I shut myself in. Work didn't change for me, it just had it's challenges. My friend groups were all being cautious, so I didn't see much of them, and I didn't get to travel as much as I’m used to. So the pandemic did force some changes that hindered me a little. Towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I began to get back out, although against my better judgment and that's when I began to unravel and didn't even realize it.

I think I allowed a lot of things that I normally would not allow to happen because I felt I needed to do something different, be someone different. It’s like I stopped investing in my own stock and sold off shares for less than their value….not the case anymore.

I have experienced enough in life to know what I want and can be assertive about it, but I am also aware that there is still so much life in me that I have to yet learn. It’s an ongoing cycle and not always a fun ride, but a ride nonetheless. *And keep reminding yourself that we don’t compete with other people, we compete with ourselves so we are either our own come up or downfall.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about all I’ve been through, but then I think…I don’t have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want to tell the details of my story. Most of my family and friends would be surprised about some revelations. But what I keep private has purpose and sometimes that purpose is to either protect myself or other people. I’m not one of these people on social media who asks for thoughts and prayers anytime something unfortunate happens and I definitely don’t share when I am not feeling like myself because I don’t need everyone’s affirmations. I also don’t like for people to carry my weight when I know everyone has their own to carry.

In this last year, there were 3 different incidences where I could have not made it. I don’t know if 2021 is my defining year, but shit, it sure was a scary one. — Lord, if you’re ready for me to come home, just say it, I don’t need anymore close encounters. Please! — But, I’m still here, so I guess I still have mountains to conquer.

I can honestly say that I am much happier today than I was earlier this year. I’m still missing a big chunk of 2021, but maybe that’s for good reason or divine intervention? Who knows. What I do know is that I am feeling very refreshed, more eager, more determined, and my confidence level is climbing stairs….with ankle weights. There are still some inflictions I need to figure out, people I need to speak to, and doors I need to close and I am going to do it with open ears, open eyes and with an open heart topped off with a smile no matter the outcome.

I mentioned before that I am ready to make everyone uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean that I am on a war path to putting others down. No. It means that I’m prepared to enjoy what I want to enjoy, who I want to enjoy it with and not harp on who may have an issue with what I decide to do. Whether I want to stay in and enjoy my own company, I am not going to shy away from saying, “I want to be by myself this evening.” OR whether I want to go out and hang with a few people, we may be out all night or just out for a few hours. — Whatever I decide, I’m standing by it.

Some people may start saying, “She acting new” or “She’s acting different” — And they can say whatever they want make them feel comfortable in trying to make sense of what I do. I’m no longer appealing to everyone else’s expectations. If I’m good with it, it’s happening. If not, Bye.

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The Submissive (NSFW)

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Intimacy (NSFW)

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When he knows I’m being a lot but, he won’t let anyone else handle me.

Set The Tone

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I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

• Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

  • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

  • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

• Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

  • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

  • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

  • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

  • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

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For Laughs

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Calming Yourself

Does counting to 10 work for you? Because it sure as hell doesn’t work for me. And telling someone to “Calm down” has NEVER worked.

Sometimes we get pulled into a situation we cannot control and we have a choice on how to react. The first best thing you can do is Breathe. Drown out the noise if you can and take deep breathes for a few seconds, allow your mind to go blank, then you respond.

We cannot help ourselves every time and none of us are beyond “flipping all this shit over” (I'm definitely not, just ask anyone whose seen me in my worst behavior) but at least we can know how to be better by learning to identify what to do in an uncomfortable scenario or headspace.

The second best thing to do is remove yourself, physically or mentally.

If you are in a space you can control, here are some tips to help to clam down and stay calm. After taking a few deep breathes…

Think it Through

Have a mantra to use in critical situations. Make sure it’s one that you find helpful. Ask yourself, “How important is this?” This helps shift the focus for you to “reality test” the situation.

On a level between 1-10 of frustration or confusion we become hyper-focused on the cause when we are on 10, and rational thoughts leave our mind. Having a good mantra give us an opportunity to allow rational thought to come back and lead to a better outcome.

Break Away

Take a walk, get some fresh air. A bad situation can make you feel confined. If you’re feeling tense and the space you’re in feels like it’s getting smaller, hot or stuffy, it can trigger a panic attack or effect your anxiety levels. Remove yourself from that environment as soon as possible and take a moment just for you, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Not only will the break away help calm you down, but also the change of scenery can sometimes interrupt your anxious or angry thought process

Relax Your Body

Everything can feel tense when we are upset. Practicing progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm down and center yourself. Drop your shoulders, comfortably turn your neck, and if you can, lie down. Don’t use a pillow and don’t cross your arms or legs. Lay flat with your arms to the sides, close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Eat Something

Sometimes when your body is drained of food or water it effects your thinking and rational behavior. Even grabbing a snack can make you feel better or focus on what to do next.

Other Techniques that can Help:

• Massage Therapy - Let someone push out your tension

• Therapy - Talk to a professional

• Call a Friend - Have at least one person who you can confide in and who just won’t “okay” you but also give you some insight from a different perspective

• Listen to music - Music does heal, put on something relaxing (I have jazz vinyl records and specific playlists for certain moods).

• Turn off the World - Sometimes you just have to give yourself time and block out everything around you for a few hours or even a few days

• Take a Trip - Go away for the weekend, whether by yourself or with someone/people you enjoy (I specifically put money aside for small getaways, because fck, life can be too much sometimes).

• Supplements - Sometimes there is a chemical imbalance in your brain and you can take supplements to help you ease yourself. Below are links to a few vitamins that may help (consult with a medical professional for more information)

  • Stress Relief

  • Hormone Balance

  • Mood Stabler

How you calm yourself has to be healthy and effective. I used to have the issue of allowing what people think of me to determine how I act or the decisions I make. For instance, I would not get close to certain people because of what others may say or I would not doing certain things because of what someone may label me as. Eventually, I had to learn to choose what keeps me afloat and sailing. Those who care about me will have to accept that if it makes me happy and gives me good energy, then there should not be any flack (although, people will always have an opinion on what you do, so just do it anyway).

The key to calming yourself is taking your mind away from a matter so you can refocus and make the best decisions for you. And the great thing about free will is that you can always change your mind too. What you feel isn’t good for you today can maybe be good for you tomorrow. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Accepting the People

Learning to accept someone for who they are isn't always easy because we innately feel everyone should share the same views we do, hence the war between Vaccers and Anti-Vaccers.

I lost a friend to addiction recently. We weren't close but we were friends and he was always very uplifting anytime I spoke with him. I didn't accept his addiction, but I accepted he had a flaw that I couldn't begin to understand or even have the knowledge to battle against. So anytime we talked I made it a point to discuss all the good things he had going on in his life.

Another friend who I am closer to is a bit of an a--hole and he'll even say the same about himself. He is a very loud, can be overbearing, and a bit rude...he's just very lively. We've known each other since we were kids and he's been the same, so this is part of his personality. I don't speak to him often, but I know if I ever talk to him about a problem I am having he's not going to water anything down for me no matter how long we've known each other. -- To the point where he will hurt my feelings to get something through to me. I've learned to accept who he is because I realized he is someone who isn't going to bullsh-t you. And whether his views are right or wrong, he's still going to tell you what he thinks is best for you. But he has also given me grace; he hated my ex, thought I was too good for him, didn't understand why I was with him, but out of respect of me and my kids, he kept most of his thoughts to himself. He even knew things about my ex that I did not find out until things blew up; he accepted that I was not yet ready to move on to realize I deserved better no matter what he told me, but he continued to be a friend and hear me out, so he's not a complete a--hole.

We befriend people who have back stories that shaped who they are and who they can become. We can encourage people to be better but we can't make anyone do anything. It's the same with those we don't choose, like family and coworkers. We don't always get along with these people, agree with them, or even like to be around them, but we find ways to cooperate with them and accept them. We adjust ourselves to be more reasonable with them, yes?

Think about this, you are hiring someone for a position, the person meets all the criteria, has the experience, strong references, great resume, interviewed very well but, a few years ago this person committed a crime, nothing heinous, but enough to show up on the background check. Do you hold that crime against the person and move on to the next applicant? Does that crime define the person? Same question, different perspective, Do you hold someone's flaws against them when you have evidence they are more than what their faults are? There are people who are "once in lifetime people" and those people aren't perfect but what makes them stand out is the experiences you have with them that you can't duplicate with anyone else because it won't be the same.

Side Story: I interviewed an applicant similar to the one I described above who had an assault charge on his background, I asked him if he wanted to explain the matters of the crime and he revealed that he was protecting his sister from an abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend pressed charges. This could have been a made up story but, I hired him anyway. He is still one of my best employees today.

How do you define a good person? Caring, supportive, understanding, empathetic? Everyone is a good person but everyone is also not. And not to get religious but a sin is a sin, there is not one sin that is worse than the other in the eyes of the All Mighty, it is still claimed a sin. Each one of us carries characteristics that make us not so great, it's how we make others feel that defines our goodness. Going by motivational quotes don't make us good people. They tend to be self-serving and we gravitate to them when we are going through bouts of stress, confusion, or frustration. Many of the generic quotes are contradicting. For instance, there are several versions of the saying. "If it's meant to be, it will be" then there's the thought, "If you want it, go get it. Don't let anything stop you." But no matter the saying, the purpose of those quotes are designed to make us feel better.

In some cases these sayings can help us through our darkest moments, in other incidences, maybe we should stop looking to motivational quotes to justify our behaviors and just own up to what we did and handle the matter.

We are all individual people and I believe different people bring out different versions of ourselves. Our personality is who we are but our attitudes depend on who others are. Get it? Could I sit in the same room with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I have a conversation with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I still care about someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. In time I can learn to accept anyone and all their faults but in accepting them I'm also putting up boundaries and restricting the type of communication I have with a person. I don't necessarily believe in cutting people off, I feel like there is an underlining heartlessness in doing that, although I have done it to people the past, I now believe in limiting what I do and say with them. It's a discipline.

You choose what to accept and what not to accept. It is your discretion in life. With people, you have to decide not who they are, but how you are with them.

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That's Just Love

We all have our own definitions for Love and the ways we love people all depends on the type of relationship we have with them. Love is a strong emotion. We love people for different reasons; family, friends, significant others. Love is also a weird emotion, some people are very passionate about it while others are a bit lackadaisical.

The way I love my siblings is not the same as I love my father, and the way I love my kids is not the same as I love my siblings, and the way I may love a significant other is not the same as I may love my friends. We have a different obligation to each person we foster in our lives and we have to balance our emotions accordingly. We can love many people but, not treat them all the same. Think about it, everyone you care about, you have a different way of speaking to them and behaving towards them, yes?

Any why is it some people treat the ones they care about poorly? Is it because they feel that person will never walk away? — I don’t think anyone should be that sure. Or why would you treat someone who you know cares about you badly? I think sometimes people run from those who care because it challenges them to vulnerable too and people are afraid to be vulnerable…because they fear disappointment and heartbreak. Although isn’t the greatest reward the after affects of a great risk? All is fair in love and war. Even if just for a short period of time, when you love someone, in those moments you felt the best feelings; a euphoria. And what’s that saying?

"It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I noticed when women love people, we act like mothers, “How are you? How was your day? Did you eat? Are your hungry? They weather will be bad, stay dry. Be safe on the road. Call me when you get home. Are you sure that’s safe? Do you really want to do that?…etc.” I think it’s the inept nurturing quality most women have when we care dearly for someone. With men…well, you all are a bit of a mix bag of honor, dominance, gentleman, and bitch.

What I never could understand is in regards to relationships, do you ever see people who are constantly in and out of them? I always think, How can you love someone so quickly, stop loving them and then love someone new in such a short period of time? I’m sorry, but I cannot move on that fast, it took me a little over a year to get back to myself after splitting with my children’s father. I guess I don’t love or fall out of love very easily. — That may be one of my flaws, but at least I’m willing to take some risks no matter how it turns out. There is a saying that if two people split and still remain cordial, they either never loved each other or they still do…that’s a bit of a fine line. Yet, how do you have a friendship after parting ways with someone who you shared plans of a future with? — I guess that’s why people are quick love someone new; so they can forget who they loved before. (???)

As I am more identifying what I like, I think it is best to say that I love traits and characteristics of people and only just like or tolerate the rest of their qualities. And what I love about them may drown out what I don’t like about them.

Generally, what I love in all people are:

• Compassion/empathy

• Thoughtfulness

• Humor

• Humility

• Dressing well

• Great work ethics

• Organization

• Good communication skills

• Not taking offense to my smart-ass remarks

What I love in a significant other:

• Being protective

• Willingness to understand

• Not talking about our personal woes to others

• Doesn’t allow others to speak harshly about me

• Affectionate and Playful

• Being flirtatious, not matter how long we’ve know each other

• Maintaining eye contact

• Answers every part of my messages

• Knowing how to calm me down without telling me to calm down

• Not giving someone else the same attention

• Dominant but also gentle

• Checking on me whether I am in the same room, a different place, or a separate state

• Remembering the little things

• Says “Hey beautiful” when he sees me

• Head kisses

• Proud to have me and knowing I only want him

One specific thing I find really attractive is when a man is so confident in me that if we're in a public place and we arrived separately, other men are talking to me and giving me attention, but at the end of the night, he walks up to me and says, “C'mon, let's go.” and he reaches for my hand because he has no doubt I’ll leave with him. — This has only ever happened once with a past lover and I've never forgotten about it.

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Women and The Sum of All Fears

There has always been and unfortunately may always be a stigma of women not being held to the same regards as men even if we hold more leverage. The importance of our value and safety is considered but not always sought through. Women don't like to be limited in what they can do and we also don't like to be regarded in less significant categories. Sometimes when I speak to my male friends about these concerns, I get shut down. I don't blame them because in truth, it's not their reality.

It's no secret that we women share advice and tips amongst ourselves on how to achieve goals and sadly, on how to be safe. For instance, what to be mindful of if we are getting into an Uber or Lyft alone, where not to walk alone at night, how to be aware of the people around us, etc. I'm sure men do all the same but, between a man and a woman, there is only one who is seen as the easier target.

Here is a loaded thought for you, sometimes when men feel a woman can handle things on her own, she becomes a less concern for him, he doesn't get too involved, and he doesn't offer much comfort...does this make him admirable or should he always express some type of support?

Even doing simple routines like going to the gym can ward off women. Two years ago I did not renew my gym membership because more times than not, a man would try to drum up conversations with me while I was in the middle of a workout, wanting to know about my life and ease in some type of way to ask me to dinner. I got more annoyed every time. It was a 24 hour gym and I never went at night. I'm not saying you cannot find meaningful relationships at the gym, but that isn't why I signed up for one. It is not much different when I dine alone or head to get cocktails on my own. I learned most men do not read body language all too well, whether they don't want to feel rejected or they are just oblivious. And sometimes we are called names when we don't show equal interest in a man. I'm also not saying that all men have ulterior motives, but as a woman we can never be too sure.

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the male race that I do not understand the purpose of being attracted to them other than to procreate and open a jar. They don't listen to us, they gaslight us, they call us crazy, they turn their backs on us, they confuse us, they take us for granted, they underplay our value, they lie to us, they put us against other women, and sometimes they hurt us. When Lizzo sang, "I got boy problems, that's the human in me" -- pretty sure every woman felt that line for every reason, good, bad, and in between.

On a more dim angle of this topic, you will most likely lose count on how many times you have seen news reports of women being mistreated, attacked, disappearing, and worse. Several years ago, I read a college student was getting groceries at night and while walking to her car she was abducted. Luckily she was able to be saved but imagine the thoughts going through her mind during that time and how she may be traumatized anytime she is somewhere by herself. Another report I read was about a mother of three from my hometown who disappeared and still has not been found. How about the many reports of women being attacked while running in a public park. I once overheard a woman telling her friend that she did her jog later in the day and a man she did not know remarked, "This isn't your normal time." -- That's a little scary, huh? It's one thing if someone I've known for a long time knows my routine and the places I frequent but, it's a little odd for a stranger to keep tabs on you. So, for our own safety we can't be predictable and we can't always rely on men to protect us.

Here are some statistics on crimes against women:

• now.org

• ncadv.org

• statusofwomendata.org

Maybe the reason why most of us women overthink is because we've been conditioned to and it bleeds into everything else in our lives -- because our first instinct is to protect ourselves (body, mind, and heart): Am I safe?, Can I trust him?, Am I comfortable with this?, Is this right?, Should I go?, Who should I tell? And maybe the reason some women advocate for other women to succeed is because we know what it means to be a woman. A friend said men are capricious, I think that is only partially accurate and men are not as vocal as women are which may be why they see us as being dramatic or even problematic. I truly believe men could not handle our lives and I would not want to be anything other than a woman.

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Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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A Woman’s Insecurity

We're always so quick to categorize a woman as moving too fast, being too clingy, being paranoid or crazy when she falls for a man and starts to assume he is up to no good when he becomes distant or shows signs of concern. However a man and woman are involved whether serious, casual, courting or otherwise, it is a form of relationship between the two. So let's take a look at another perspective before writing off a woman as being ‘extra’.

When a woman likes a man or even loves him, she thinks the most of him. She wants to spend any available time with him, talk to him, be with him, etc. Her emotions have linked to him. She thinks the world of him and has passion for him. So why do men confuse this with being “too much”?

When you were a kid and had a favorite toy, did you not get upset when someone else wanted to play with it? And when your parents told you to share, did you really want to? No. Because you didn’t want someone else to ruin or break your precious toy, something that you loved and valued. You didn’t want that taken away from you — that feeling of happiness, safety, and relaxation of something you were fond of. We have those same feelings for people.

So when a woman feels something for a man, her thoughts may resemble... "If I think he's great then someone else will also think he's great." and then they think, “What if he rather be with that someone else? What if he rather explore possibilities with her?”

Us women get on high alert anytime we feel something is off or has changed about a man. It can be the slightest gesture, the way you speak to us, the way you touch us, the things you say, how you say them — We notice. And so many thoughts run through our minds because again, are you pulling away because your thoughts are with someone else?

• I haven’t heard from him in a few days, is he talking to someone else?

• He hasn't asked to see me, is he not interested in me anymore?

• He's been very short with me lately, does he no longer care?

• We just had an argument, is he going to find comfort with another woman?

Yes, many times we think the reason for any slight changes is because a man has started getting close with someone other than us. But men should take some accountability in this too. When a man feels that he shouldn't have to address anything a woman may be feeling, it feeds into the problem instead of making it better. Why would you let a woman you care about think that you don't care? What sense does that make?

Women like to feel special, like no other woman can be her and no other woman can take her place in a man's heart. Does it mean he can't look at another woman or interact with other women? No. It just means he doesn’t let another woman feel like she can replace the one who's already there.

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The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

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The Older Man

Let's ponder on this for a moment (text image). So, I'm at an age where being involved with someone 15+ years isn't much of an eyebrow raiser considering my experiences and where I'm currently at in life. (I did another post about age gaps: She’s Too Young For You, Bro.)

Yes, it's been proven that girls mature faster than boys so it's innate that we look to date older but, we all should understand that girls still go through different mental stages and dating someone too old could be a sign of other issues or personal intentions.

At 15, a girl is high-school aged and still experiencing adolescents , would it be wise for a man in his 20’s to be involved with a girl this age? Well, to be objective, most men in their 20’s are in a black whole of confusions themselves. At 25, a woman may be going through the notions of adult scenarios and learning her identity. A man in his mid to late 40s finding interest in a woman that age is a bit questionable, wouldn't you say? Just as questionable as the man in is 20’s interested in a girl in her teens?

So what about these men who date extremely younger? Dating young enough that a girl could be his daughter, if he started having kids in his 20s.

Most of my guy friends have said that 20 year old’s are fun but, nothing substantial enough to keep their attention to becoming something more serious. When I asked why that is, the general response was that women in their 20s have a different focus, different goals, and different views on life, they are still innocent in the sense they are just beginning their adult years and have so many things to still learn before reaching the capacity of a man who may be 15-20 years older than her. These young ladies may be smart and sophisticated but, they are mentally not prepared for what a older man comes with.

*The type of older man I'm referring to is a well established man, either with a high title with his company, manages/owns a business, possibly has children, has had long term relationships previously, has a house, 401K/IRA, etc. — I'm not talking about men who are "still trying to get on the right path in life".

Yet, it's not taboo that we see successful men with such young women and sometimes I think the following:

• What types of conversations do they have?

• Does he work a lot so they really don't spend that much time together?

• How do they tolerate each other’s generational differences?

• Is she just a trophy to show off to everyone?

• Was she in a bad situation and he was just trying to help her but, ended up getting too involved?

Or maybe these men are mentally in their 20’s still with a fear of getting "old" and they date younger women to help ease their reality. Maybe these types of men are going through an identity crisis?

But let's not leave out the young ladies who are willing to do almost anything to be involved with a successful man because they see security...they'll be taken care of financially, live a comfortable life, and have the honor of telling people about the man they're sleeping with. — And because of this, the older man may be more vulnerable to a young woman's advances.

It's hard to say why men and women date who they date. All I know is, if any of my male friends whom are certain ages starts getting serious with women much younger than them...even younger than me, I'm definitely giving them the side eyes and looking at them very differently.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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Loyalty

I believe loyalty is a characteristic trait that not everyone possesses, but I also believe it is a habit that can be learned. I’m loyal to a default, not sure if I should consider it a character flaw, bad/good habit or strength. For instance, for many years I was loyal to the father of my children, not only in the sense that I did not get involved with someone else while we were together but also, I didn't talk about our issues to anyone or speak badly about him to anyone. Now, when we were nearing the end of our union, I did reveal why I had enough but, I still did not speak down about him and even now, there many incidences where I don’t speak ill about my ex. Maybe I give more people credit than they deserve but, isn’t that just an act of kindness? Is this a character flaw? Or bad habits I need to break?

I think for some people, when you care deeply or share significant experiences and emotions with a person, you don't want to do or say anything that may hurt them…even if they've hurt you. — Maybe this is being naïve.

Different acts of loyalty can be mental or physical. I consider both to be just as important as the other. Remember how I discussed not giving everyone access to you in several previous posts? Well, part of that is being loyal to yourself and upholding the standards you've set and another part (if applicable) is being loyal to the people or a person you do give special access to.

Friends who have known me for 20+ plus years know they can entrust in me any secrets, express pain, or just vent and nothing they've said to me will be shared. It’s the same with friendships I’ve recently made. It gives me a sense of security and satisfaction knowing people can trust me with certain pieces of themselves or their lives. — Stay quiet when it is necessary and speak when it’s comfortable.

Sadly, there are those who take advantage of a person’s loyal nature because they feel that there's always a chance of forgiveness and redemption. Not always the case and I wouldn't rely too heavily on mishandling people who are always on your side. — There's a limit.

People who are loyal maybe care a little too much about many things for endless reasons. It is a certain barrier of protection you should have for yourself and those you like/love…that's loyalty.

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For those whom are intimately involved with someone, loyalty can have different definitions. Loyal with your words, loyal with your actions. Everyone’s relationship or situationship is set up differently. I don’t believe in dating multiple people…whatever you consider the term “dating” to mean. And there are people who will argue that if you are not in an actual monogamous relationship, there is no reason to behave as if you are or be loyal to that person…here’s my opinion…Whether casual or consciously committed, if I allow you into my bed, that’s it, you are the only one I’m sharing that with and you are the only one who is allowed special/specific treatment from me. It will stay that way until we have a discussion of severing that tie. And lets not forget, there are still such things as STDs, not to mention the possibility of unexpected pregnancies…not me though, y’all be safe 😁 (So, play around with people’s lives if you want to.) I also do not believe in entering someone’s life knowingly being a disruption or not having and practicing good intentions. — If you are going to come into my life and then be regressive, you can exit the same way you entered…bitch be excited about me like you just met me, just kidding, maybe. 😊

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Equal or Special

Let’s talk about this whole equality thing for a moment. I am all for women’s empowerment and rights BUT, I do draw the line with certain topics and I am still aware that the male and female sexes don’t always travel on the same frequencies. Refer back to my previous mention of the female brain HERE.

See the text image as an example…Pink felt violated while using a gender neutral bathroom where Blue stated the misunderstanding of what Equality is and Yellow concurs with Blue…as do I.

Even when “Equal Pay” is discussed, we have to understand market segments in different regions on top of work titles, responsibilities, and cost of living. If the argument is a man and a woman are working for the same company, they have the same position with the same credentials, YES their pay should be equal. But, if you are arguing that a woman working for a private company in Texas with less that 2,000 employees vs. a man working in Alabama for a global company with over 5,000 employees with just a salary, not commission based for either, then the argument is lacking relativity.

But pay is a sensitive topic for most, so let’s move on form that. Do I prefer a women’s only bathroom? Yes. Am I okay with shared bathrooms? Yes, if it is a single stall and sink where there can only be one person at a time. Will I use a gender neutral bathroom? No, but if it is my only option then I may consider it. This isn’t just about bathrooms though, this is about how we as women want to be treated. If I am in a professional setting and having a conversation with men, don’t assume I don’t know about business practices or think that I can only relate to female topics like beauty and retail. Now on the other side of things, if I am in a social setting, I still like for doors to be opened for me. I still like for men to be gentleman and be respectful towards women.

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Here is a more personal example in thinking about Equal vs Special: Ladies, say you are seeing a guy, it’s casual you’re still getting to know each other, you hang out, you may be intimate but, overall you enjoy each other. So here is the question: Even though you two are not a couple, would you be okay if he was casually seeing other women too? My guess would be No for many women because you want to be the “Special” one. I get it. There is this stigma that when a man is playing the field he can still be desired but, if a woman has several suitors she cannot fully be trusted…and I agree BUT, I don’t find it attractive for men to be available to every and any woman. Nor do I think women she be that way either. Just my opinion, I know everyone makes their own decisions with their lives. — If you are single, do what you want but as for me, I like to have discipline and standards (because shit, I know my worth). And if I am seeing a guy who chooses to “do what he wants” then okay, I will remove myself from the scenario, because again, I do not find that attractive nor do I want to feel like I have to compete with other women. If he doesn’t know my value regardless of what title we have, then that is his lack of awareness, not mine. Plus, if someone else has the same access as me to a man, then he can choose to spend any of his availability with that person…if you are speaking to someone the same way you speak to me, if you are talking about the same things, and if you are embracing or hugging someone the same way you do to me, then again, go over there. I don’t want to be anyone's option, I’m worth someone’s reason. So if a man so chooses to give the same effort to someone else, I'm good.

Men and women are not fundamentally or socially equal, let’s be honest about that. Although, does that mean one sex should receive more benefits over the other sex? In my perspective, the equality is more about acknowledging that women are more than capable of just baring children and keeping a house clean. Give women the credit of being outspoken, contributing to society and businesses, obtaining their own success, and being able to lead similar lives to men. If I really think about it, I probably more prefer to be treated special than equal, and just be mindful of how fair you are to me as a woman.

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You're Just Stubborn

Have you ever been in a argument and you know your stance is valid but, you are also practical enough to understand that the other person’s stance is just a valid but, you still want to keep going with your opinions?….Yeah, same.

For my astrology people (I do not follow or study astrology that much so correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong about anything), I am a Taurus, an earth sign ruled by Venus; Goddess of love and beauty, likes the finer things in life, nurturing, dependable, grounded, loyal, hardworking, dedicated. I was also born in the Oxen year of the Lunar calendar which has similar characteristics traits. I’ve been told I am the most stubborn mix of all signs…a Bull and an Ox. Well, the other most hard-headed sign is Scorpios who’s presiding planet is Mars which in mythology is the God of war (funny how we connect a Scorpion with war), so these people are considered to have bad tempers and can be secretive and resentful but, it's also said they're known for their passion and loyalty and will fight for what they feel strongly about. Scorpio is also water sign so they go hand in hand with Taurus being an Earth sign and can really thrive with each other if their visions are similar or they could deplete each other…earth drying out water or water sinking earth. So help us all if I get involved with a Scorpio, it will either be WWIII or we’re building conglomerates together.

Anyway, when I hear someone call me stubborn I rather think I’m just very headstrong on what I believe and what I want…even if I’m wrong. It may take me some time to think about that the other person is feeling but, in the moment of a dispute, I can only hear my thoughts. Men are so quick to call us crazy or unstable when we are in midst of an argument but, never want to evaluate their contributions to an issue. Why is that?

Let’s first understand the female brain. There was a book published that also became a movie called, “The Female Bain” which points out that although woman’s brains are smaller, they still have the same number of brain cells as men, just in a more compact space. This was only discovered in 1995. So of course how we compartmentalize thoughts, release endorphins, cortisol, dopamine is vastly different than men.

For instance, when under stress, women like to plan and execute order, we put things where they should be and where they make sense, we organize what we can control. - This can be considered being a neat freak, micromanaging, or having OCD when really we just want some type of order in our lives. Let’s couple this with the fact that throughout history, more “socially accepted” women did better in life which is equivalent to men being successful by being aggressive and competitive. So what that translates to is women being required to be groomed, appealing, attractive, well spoken, sociable, understanding, forgiving, nurturing, and whatever the fck else history has wanted us to be, but men just have to show up and assert dominance.

BUT, when women go against any of those “expectations” mentioned above, we are called stubborn. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Maybe it is not me being stubborn, maybe it is the man who wants me to conform to his conveniences because it is easier for him that I comply instead of him setting aside ego and pride to compromise because compromising means to fold and folding to a woman is…unmanly. — Yeah…fck that shit. I will continue to be called stubborn because I’m not going to just say “Yes” to everything a man tells me, especially since I’ve done so much without a male counterpart, so if I have a man in my life, it’s because I want him, not because I need him.

Yet, in all fairness, there is a level of maturity and reasoning needed to be able to be in disagreement with someone and not have it become a damaging toll on how you view or feel about the person. — Then again, learning someone else’s stance on a topic can persuade and determine how close you continue to be with said person.

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So, here a little funny snippet of a text between someone and I. We were going back and forth throughout the day about something really minor and unnecessary but, since we are both the way we are it became something else. Eventually, it died down because I think we both realized how ridiculous it was to be disputing about this particular topic. — Honestly, all of our other minor disputes have been the same way where we ended up being very mellowed and back to ourselves afterwards within 24 hours. Anyhow, what was really the tipping point for me was his text (in white)… I immediately laughed, but I also got upset because he was slightly right — only because I felt like he wasn’t getting my point — but I didn’t want him to know he was right so I just sat there biting my lip wanting to respond crudely and trying to evaluate what to say and not making it seem like I needed to have the last word…so I was like “Fck, let me think before I reply right away because then it’ll just prove HIS point.” It was a painful moment for me and I’ll never admit it to him. 😭😆😂

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The Wall

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

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