Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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A Woman’s Insecurity

We're always so quick to categorize a woman as moving too fast, being too clingy, being paranoid or crazy when she falls for a man and starts to assume he is up to no good when he becomes distant or shows signs of concern. However a man and woman are involved whether serious, casual, courting or otherwise, it is a form of relationship between the two. So let's take a look at another perspective before writing off a woman as being ‘extra’.

When a woman likes a man or even loves him, she thinks the most of him. She wants to spend any available time with him, talk to him, be with him, etc. Her emotions have linked to him. She thinks the world of him and has passion for him. So why do men confuse this with being “too much”?

When you were a kid and had a favorite toy, did you not get upset when someone else wanted to play with it? And when your parents told you to share, did you really want to? No. Because you didn’t want someone else to ruin or break your precious toy, something that you loved and valued. You didn’t want that taken away from you — that feeling of happiness, safety, and relaxation of something you were fond of. We have those same feelings for people.

So when a woman feels something for a man, her thoughts may resemble... "If I think he's great then someone else will also think he's great." and then they think, “What if he rather be with that someone else? What if he rather explore possibilities with her?”

Us women get on high alert anytime we feel something is off or has changed about a man. It can be the slightest gesture, the way you speak to us, the way you touch us, the things you say, how you say them — We notice. And so many thoughts run through our minds because again, are you pulling away because your thoughts are with someone else?

• I haven’t heard from him in a few days, is he talking to someone else?

• He hasn't asked to see me, is he not interested in me anymore?

• He's been very short with me lately, does he no longer care?

• We just had an argument, is he going to find comfort with another woman?

Yes, many times we think the reason for any slight changes is because a man has started getting close with someone other than us. But men should take some accountability in this too. When a man feels that he shouldn't have to address anything a woman may be feeling, it feeds into the problem instead of making it better. Why would you let a woman you care about think that you don't care? What sense does that make?

Women like to feel special, like no other woman can be her and no other woman can take her place in a man's heart. Does it mean he can't look at another woman or interact with other women? No. It just means he doesn’t let another woman feel like she can replace the one who's already there.

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The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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The Wall

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

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You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫

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When Is It Actually Considered Dating?

Okay, so before you move in with your partner (reference here), Ladies and Gentleman, help me out here…

At what point when you are hanging out with someone do you identify it as “dating”?

So I am very much a “guys girl” meaning I can hang with the fellas and fit right in, but there is a difference in aura and body language when you are just enjoying time with a friend verses spending valuable time with a lover. (If you are new here, I use the term “Lover” a lot to describe a romantic interest. — I’m too old for boyfriends, you either want something serious with me or you don’t, let’s be on the same page about this, because we’ve got other things we could be doing.) When I’m out with friends, we may engage in conversation and I may buy us a few round of drinks, but it’s innocent and casual. With a Lover, there is more physical contact and closeness not just on his end, but also on my end. — If you don’t see me reciprocate his touch or return the affection, it’s because I’m not that into him, I’m not interested, we’re not together, or…drum rolls please…he is NOT my Lover; be observant.

Back to my question: When is the status of a relationship determined? Am I too old school in expecting the man to ask me…or tell me…”I want you to be my lady.” (and are you all too young to know the song, You’re my Lady by D’Angelo?)

Location: Houston Graffiti Building // Dress: JLuxLabel

If I’m going places with a Lover and we are just doing the basic things like getting food, asking about each other’s day, or making time to see one another…are we dating? Or are we just hanging out and that I shouldn’t think anything more of it because he could just be “hanging out” with several other women. Lissen…I have several guy friends who entertain multiple women, I don’t judge and I’m all for going with the flow, but I also like to know that my presence and time is significant to someone. I don’t know…this dating shit is for the birds. I hate it, that’s why I’ve been avoiding it for so long and I feel like at my age, the dating pool definitely has pee in it with all the men either too set in their ways, not wanting to commit, or just have no clue what they want (I’m at an age where these matters are more pronounced). Aye, I’m pretty reasonable, practical, and I know I have my flaws, but I also don’t want to be toyed with. I don’t have the fckn energy to deal with the bullshit. You’re either riding with me or you’re not and if we hit a pothole, let’s check for damages and continue on. — “Oh you and her used to smash? Are there still romantic feelings involved? No? Okay, let’s get something to eat.” It’s the same mood if a woman were to approach me and say, “I used to fck with him.” — Okay…what do you want me to do with that information, get mad? There’s over 7 billion people in this world, S-E-V-E-N / B-I-L-L-I-O-N, and I don’t keep myself stuck in a small box, so I’m going to stop knowing my value because of 1 person??? Been there, done that.

Look, I cannot and will not control what a man does. It is on him with what he chooses to do when I am not around. I believe this: If he wants me in his life then he will not make decisions or put himself in a position to lose me.

Also a few things to consider when you are getting to know a person:

• Do you have the same values? If not, can you be open to their point of views?

• Do you have good intentions for one another?

• Is your connection with each other genuine and natural (not forced)?

• Are you or the other person healed from the past? If not, can either of you deal with the other’s pain?

• Are you inspired or encouraged to be better by the person?

What is the difference between “I like you” and “I love you”?

When you like a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily. One who understands this, understands life.

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Do You Move Into Your Partner’s Place After Other Ex’s?

Call me crazy or too demanding, but I don’t like the residue of past relationships. I know many of you will not agree with me and that’s okay, but hear me out…

If I am dating a man and he had a previous woman living with him, then I am not going to be so eager to move into that same space. If it’s a rental, lets wait until the lease is up and get something together. If it’s a mortgage, let’s put that place up for lease and look at getting a home of our own. I am aware this may be asking too much and not everyone is able, but I want to start fresh with someone…and burning sage may not be enough. — If I kept my place back north, I would not feel comfortable inviting a man to stay with me when my ex previously called the same place home…there’s just too much residue. I want clean energy with someone.

You have memories with a person in a place you share together. And not all memories are bad memories so I’m not asking to forget everything, but when I leave people in the past, that’s usually where they stay…you’d have to do something amazing for me to reconsider — and I’m not easily impressed. (But I also believe…and learned…what’s done should remain done.)

Don’t you want to start fresh with a new beau?

Maybe I’m thinking too much into it…which I tend to do often. Maybe the one I end up with will welcome me into his home and make me feel like I’m the only one who was ever worth staying in it and let me paint and add shelves and fixtures, maybe some new appliances, there's a Samsung refrigerator I’ve been eyeing — Goodness, I hope that’s the case….but if not, he's coming over here with a weekend bag until we decide what the next step is. (P.S. — Don't expect to get a lot of closet room at my place, which is why we should think of getting a different home together so we a customize the His & Hers closet space….just a thought — go ahead and change my mind.)

Or we can continue to live separately and be a little unorthodox with our relationship, but still welcoming each other into our spaces anytime, like having a key to each home and still allowing each other to be comfortable and stay as long as we please. There is this “Keurig” style cocktail maker I want to order by Bartesian and we’ll just have to do rock, paper, scissors to see which house it’s going to sit at, and I’d still want to make a trip to Home Depot and add a few features. I'm not closed off to the living separately idea, but we’d really need to have a good understanding of our relationship and one another. — I do come a go a lot, it’d be nice to have someone I trust make sure my place is secure and address any issues while I'm away.

Are my standards too high? Am I being unrealistic about this? I know I think differently than some of you, but let me know if I sound crazy. Lord, please let whoever “The One” is have so much patience for me. I promise I’m worth it. 😔

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*Sorry about the vulgarness of this one. I don’t create any of these memes, I just laugh at them.

Message From Raya L.

Hello All,

I first want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have been with me from the start even before Instagram, Facebook, and even MySpace. — All of you still come here to read my topics. You all are so DOPE.

Over the years, I’ve received an abundance of emails from people telling me how my words helped them through certain times and how my “voice” was a jumping off point to begin a new journey. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Let’s clear up some things. As public as my website is and as much as I may share about my thoughts, I have boundaries that I do not cross when revealing myself or parts of my life. You’ve notice I don’t give too much details about my kids, right? And I never disclose any company I am in business with unless it is a collaborative agreement. Any photos you see are in public areas; never sharing my private residences. Lastly, if I am ever referring to someone, I never state their names. Just because I created a public platform, doesn’t mean everyone else around me signed up for it, meaning I have a respect for the privacy of others. Anytime I share my stories, it is from the prospective of me and although I poke fun of my poor decisions here and there, I make a point to also speak on how I overcame it. It’s no secret my family are major Eagles fans, I like to eat, take photos, have two children, a failed marriage and that I had to start my life over in my mid-20’s, but what is mainly kept secret is all the things my loved ones and I do when we are together and spending quality time.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Gandhi

What I share is only a glimpse into my life. I prefer it that way. You may see many people on public platforms who share every detail about their days, that will never be me for several reasons:

1. This is not my main source of income

2. I don’t want everyone in my business or involved in my life

3. I prefer privacy over popularity

As far as many of you inquiring about my love interest, that part of my life will definitely remain away from the public eye. If I am ever seen with someone, we may or may not be together; and the only people who will know is our family, friends, people who are actually around us, and whomever we decide to tell.

Again, I appreciate all of you for taking time to be here with me and as always, stay positive and be good to others.

Love,

Raya L.

Confidence Looks Good On You

Short Set - Leo’A The Label (Sweet Tooth Set)

Low self-esteem is not attractive. Yup, I said it. And there are different levels to low self-esteem. Anytime you make a choice that takes from your happiness, from your peace, or from your self-worth by telling yourself to believe that it will be the best decision when deep down you know something isn’t right, you are displaying a lack of confidence in yourself and with how you think of yourself…and it shows. Before you think I am attacking anyone, let me remind you of my own examples:

1. Did you read about when I Ghosted My Skeleton? - Yeah, that was a form of low self esteem because I did not know my own value to know that who I was involved was not the best for me.

2. The relationship with the father of my children. - I stayed longer than I should have because I felt that there was nothing better for me. I conditioned my mind to thinking that I had to stay with him, to fix our relationship, to forgive and forget, to accept his ways, to give my kids a life with both parents, to fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for. And if you know me now, then you know how WRONG I WAS.

I’ve learned. As far as my relationships with my friends, my boundaries are catered to each individual and how I know them. If any friendship gets to a point where it’s one sided, I digress from it. If I am losing confidence in a friend then I am losing confidence in our relationship and I can no longer enjoy it. It’s best for my mental health to let go (this also is the case for romantic relationships)

Being confident isn’t being arrogant or big-headed, it’s knowing your value and creating boundaries or standards to protect that value.

When you get into a situation where you find yourself changing, not for the better, it’s because you allowed something or someone to cross your personal value lines. It happens to all of us, we try to adjust ourselves to someone's low confidence or little pride — but let’s make it known that insecurity is usually partnered with other concerns such as unwillingness to understand, lack of experience, personal issues within ourselves. Insecurity is a weakness I detest, especially within women who find themselves in relationships they keep questioning or gets uncomfortable when another woman walks in the room — and the thing is, insecurities have to be resolved within the person themselves. It’s one of those things that you have evolve from. (Ladies, if you've not read my message at the bottom of “Extra Income”, I suggest you hop over there really quick and take a look.)

I’m not breaking down any woman, but if we’re being honest here, men seem to get more scrutiny about not being ready to be committed, but WOMEN too have their own flaws with figuring out what they want in relationships. Sometimes people are so scared to be alone that they allow their desperation to decide on their partners and willing to accept less than they deserve.

If you’re uncomfortable with me showing my legs, then you’ve never partied with me. I dress according to the environment I’m going to be in.

We ALL have our insecurities…yes, we do…whether it’s our looks, our financial status, our family dynamics, past traumas that still affect us, decisions we made in private that we don’t want others to know about, whatever it is, we all have something that we are not truly proud of. But we cannot let our insecurities hinder us from being the best version of ourselves, treat people good, and find serenity within our surroundings.

I think the equation for confidence is not only knowing your worth but, also not taking yourself too seriously and becoming offended anytime you feel someone is challenging you (I make jokes about myself all the time.) And comparing yourself to someone is the worst. When you look at someone and you automatically get feelings of insecurity or jealousy by instantly making criticisms about the person, that shows your lack of confidence…and need I say, poor character.

You ever walk into a place and you notice someone who everyone seems to have their attention towards them? The person is laughing, lively, and engaging with everyone. — That’s called confidence. — It doesn’t mean that is person is perfect or that their life is perfect, it just means that this person wants to enjoy themselves and likes for other to enjoy themselves too…it’s the energy that is exuded from confidence, an energy that not everyone possesses. It’s the same when a confident person walks into a room and you feel a shift in energy as if the room got brighter and everyone is a bit more alive.

I cannot really explain it, you either have confidence or you don’t, but it shows either way. It’s not how you look, how you dress, or how much money you have. It’s the way you speak, the way you treat others, the way you carry yourself — it’s a mindset. Remember in my post about My Preference is regards to men? That is a type of confidence I expect for a man I’m involved with to have, not flaky, not unsure, CONFIDENT in who he is and CONFIDENT in me…I can’t have a chump by my side.

You don’t have to be the best person, you just have to appreciate who you are, be comfortable in your skin and not accept others to mishandle you.

MOOD: When you missed the chance, don’t expect another.

I Ghosted My Skeleton...Twice

I get a lot of praise for being a strong woman, for being confident, fearless and having no man problems - “got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one” - Thanks Jay, but it wasn’t always this way. I too have done foolish things for a man I thought I loved. We all have skeletons in our closet, I have just one and I ghosted him many years ago.

Dress: Toxic Envy

Ghosting is a fairly new term the kids are using these days to describe an action when someone stops all communication with you without notice or warning. So when I “ghosted” my skeleton, it was just considered “disappearing” out of his life.

I was in high school. I was young, naive and thought I had my whole life figured out. (Like many high schoolers, huh?) I met a man who was several years older than me, an athlete (played overseas), he was gorgeous, tall, smooth, beautiful hair, great smile, amazing lips…everything shallow that I loved. We began hanging out all the time, I became infatuated with him. I wanted to be around him every moment of every day, but I still had school and work.

It quickly became toxic. Anytime he called, I went running. I missed so many days of school for him that I almost failed a grade due to my absences. I cancelled outings with my friends and I made excuses to not be available for anyone else other than him. When I didn’t hear from him, my mental anguish became physical in the sense that I wouldn’t eat, I’d stay in bed all day, I’d be moody, and I wouldn’t talk to anyone. He was my drug. I would have done almost doing anything for this man, I even slightly supported him financially. When I couldn’t come through on a request he had of me, he would get angry and make me feel guilty for not caring about him enough and I actually began believing that I really wasn’t doing enough, my self-esteem was bruised.

He was very needy…and I wanted to be needed by him. If he was upset, I had to find a way to make him smile. If he was in a good mood, I had to find a way to make it last. [Later in life I realized he is one of those people who resented not being granted certain opportunities that he felt he deserved in life, but not admitting that his own behaviors and decisions held him back.] He would compliment me when he wanted something and he’d make promises to coax me, but rarely came through with those promises. He was in and out of my life for at least 2 years. And the behaviors were always the same. He didn’t once think about all the efforts I made to adjust to him.

THIS WAS ALL WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Sweatshirt: Backseat Love | Skirt: Fendi

I was mentally drained. I was emotionally depleted. I hated feeling like someone had complete control over me. I felt empty…all the time. Finally, one time he called while out of town and needed me to wire him money to get a ticket back home along with a phone card (telling my age here), I said “Okay, I’ll get it done.” then the call ended. I didn’t wire him any money and I didn’t get him a phone card. It was the last time I spoke to him. It took me months to get him out of my system. I still thought of him daily — “What if I just call once to check up on him?” “Maybe I can just talk to him without anything more.” — I forced myself to go out and enjoy missed time with my friends and I prepared myself for college.

I went on with my life, met the future father of my children the summer before my freshman year and didn’t think of that man again…until my divorce.

Yup, through a mutual acquaintance he heard I was newly unattached and found a way to reach me. We chatted and caught up over the years that passed. The itch for him started to come back. I foolishly looked over our past issues and eagerly allowed him back into my life thinking things would be different….and it was for the first few months. He was still gorgeous, the same as I remembered him looking. — The years weren’t bad to him. It wasn’t too long after that it became reminiscent of my high school years. This time, I was practically supporting his entire life, but also this time I now had two children to support. I don’t know how I did it, but I found a way to appease everyone. For some reason he still had that same hold on me, even after all these years. The father of my children didn’t have that power over me. What I felt for this man was different. It was unhealthy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him to be happy and to be happy with me. This time it didn’t last for 2 years, not even a full year.

I was sitting by myself thinking of different ways to cheer him up because he had been feeling down due to not being able to find stable work. — Then I began to think beyond him. I thought about all the money I spent on him that I could have placed into my savings. I thought about the house I was going to purchase BY MYSELF for US to live in together. I thought about what type of father figure he would be for my own children. And then I thought about what type of relationship could I really have with this man since he was so used to me catering to his every need not just emotionally, but also financially. I didn’t know who I was becoming. I was supposed to be restarting my life after my divorce, not reopening an old wound. How did this man have such a choke-hold on my soul? The only benefit to him was that he was beautiful. NOTHING ELSE. Was I that vain???? It’s like he was a trophy, but not really a reward.

Dress: Urban Outfitters

After thinking about all of this, my conversations with him became different. I started to slowly step away. He notice. At first he was concerned, then it turned into battle and placing blame on me for not being “supportive”. The very last conversation I had with him was when I had just got off a flight, I was extremely tired and driving home. He called demanding me to do something for him immediately, telling me that it would be very simple and that I could sleep after I was done….I WAS PISSED. I yelled at him and told him that he was being inconsiderate and that I was not going to do anything for him anymore. Then he had the audacity to spit out the words, “I need you to take care of everything right now.” That was it for me. I was done. I hung up, blocked him from all forms of contact, went home and got some sleep. Never spoke to him again. — If he wasn't such a disappointment….or if I was really so moronic, he would have probably got some sons out of me….then again, my ex got a son out of me and he…never mind.

You see, I’ve done stupid things. And I always joke that I have lived many lives before today, which isn’t entirely false since most of my friends only know about my ex-husband. Well, surprise! I was once a dumbass too! I’m so grateful I was still young enough to recover from it and caught myself before I dug too deep of a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I want to conclude with this: As strong as some people may be, they also get tired, they also need a break, they also need a helping hand. The problem with strong people is that they don’t make excuses, they don’t allow their weaknesses to hinder them, they exceed expectations and people always hold them to that standard not considering their human need for mental rest. Disconnecting is healthy and it’s not encouraged or applauded enough. — Let this sink in.

• There was one time I needed a break from everything, it was granted to me, but during my break I was still thrown tasks to get completed and the reason was “I don’t trust anyone else to do it but you, Raya.” ….which translated to me that I will never truly get a break.

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

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Whether You Chose to Address It or Not, It Still Exists

[DISCLAIMER: I understand why companies or groups may want to stay quiet during controversial times. I understand that they may not want to backlash of revealing their thoughts on a topic. I understand they may not want to cause controversies for themselves. There are ways to relay your support and empathy without making a public announcement, it’s okay to want to be careful. -- You've heard the saying, "Silence speaks volumes" or "Silence can be deadly"...yeah, sometimes silence can be damaging to relationships you don't realize are important to keep. Let that sit.]

Sometimes life has its disappointments...food, sports, places, outfits...people. It's one of those guarantees that we plan to avoid, but destiny does not send us heralds and we are met with necessary lessons. The best thing we can is to discuss and share in hopes the experience will birth new enlightenment. — Mind you, this practice is relevant to any topic in life not just about the explosion the world is currently facing. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and my mind is dwindling, I tend to block things I need to address, but my nightly dreams never fail me and like to play "Captain Save-A-Hoe" by dropping off messages for interpretation to remind me I need to put my big girl shoes on and the address issues in my life. What a joy those dreams are. (-__-)

A friend shared THIS ARTICLE with me after I told her I had to have a candid conversation with my high school aged daughter about the racial divides. I also know that I will need to have the same conversation with my son. With having 4 godsons and 1 goddaughter from different families, all black, ages 9 months to 18 years old, I know they had or will be getting the talk from their parents. The article is a first hand narrative of a black man and his experiences of racial inflections even though he comes from a two parent home, prestigious neighborhood and with a high praised education. The article is lengthy, but it is insightful of the author's first hand accounts of racial profiling, embedded systematic bias, and titles. What I really appreciated is that even though the author’s upbringing was whitewashed, he still knew and understood he was different from his friends, they could not fully relate to him and he could not fully relate to them.

Within my children's environment, they are that "token friend" where most of their peers will not be able to relate to my daughter's and my son's experiences because their acceptance in society requires a little more practice and effort...it's a reality not every family has. Although, the main concern with my children is that because they can be oblivious racial issues they may say or doing something that can cause them to face the harsh realities of prejudice and I’m not around to help them process it.

In some of my own circles because my skin tone is darker than what most Americans "expects" Asians to be, I'm usually asked what race I am or mixed with. For those who may be wondering, I am not Black. There have been suggestions that my ancestry is linked to descendants of the Moor People which have African bloodlines, but that's not confirmed and I only know of my Asian history. Although, the two reflections of me do check off the box that reads African American/Black and are Citizens of the U.S. And let me tell you, both of my young ones excel in their academics, are respectful, and have their mother's off keel sense of humor, but that means nothing to people who do not see their human value.

When I would take my kids to birthday parties, my little beautiful brown babies would stick out like sore thumbs and I'd watch how other kids and parents act around them. The kids were fine, it was some of the parents who looked a little too hard for my comfort and were met with a gaze from me. I'm a parent who's of the Knuck of You Buck generation.

Even with my kids having an Asian mother and me not facing the same scrutiny as darker toned friends, it doesn't void negative stereotypes and unbeknownst to some people, my little family does fit into several unflattering statistical categories. I play it down to avoid questioning and sharing too much of our personal lives.

There is an issue, whether we chose to identify it or not.

“Civilization is not, by any means, an easy thing to attain to. There are only two ways by which men can reach it. One is by being cultured, the other by being corrupt.”

- Oscar Wilde

I am interested to see how this year is written in the history books...Australia burning, almost faced WWIII, Kobe Bryant tragically passed, Covid-19 came and is changing the blueprint of business functions, then a senseless death of a man sparked outraged of "Enough is Enough"...and we are only half way through the year. WTF. — Can I return 2020? I think it got damaged during delivery. Although, this may be the defining year that gets us out of our comfort zones.

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”

- Oscar Wilde

It's not ONLY a matter of police brutality, is it an irrational fear other of the Black Community and making decisions from that fear. For some resources to help aide against injustice and racism: CLICK HERE

HERE is a conversation between two influential women, Candace Reese Walters and Carli K. Mathews of Empowering Woman Locally based in *Tuscaloosa, AL. (my review of the city HERE), about having conversations regarding race.

Let me be clear, no one is telling you how to raise your children, but it is a fundamental sin to teach them to second guess someone based on their ethnic backgrounds. These racial crimes stem from people who were once children that were subconsciously or directly fed information to develop negative views against certain demographics.

Have you ever seen that movie, American History X with Edward Norton? It's not a movie for children, but there is a scene where you see how a parent influences a child's views.

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If you are still reading, do you want to know what happens when you die? Every action, every thought, every laugh, every change that could have came from you stops. People go on either remembering you loved them or not knowing how much you truly cared for them and what continues is those lives you've influenced.

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.” - Ray Bradbury

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Comfort Food Meal: Smothered Chicken over Mashed Red Potatoes

Seasoning for Chicken: Cayenne Pepper, Ground Mustard, Minced Garlic, Garlic Salt, Dried Oregano, Lemon Pepper, Worcestershire Sauce 🧂

I started the base of the pan with chicken stock, collard greens, and mushrooms. Added garlic salt, Brown Sugar, Tabasco sauce, vinegar, and ground pepper. Simmered for 30 mins. 🥬

Then I added the seasoned chicken. On top, I added fresh basil and rosemary, plus asparagus. After 30 minutes, I added 1/2 a can of coconut milk. 🥥

Allow to cook on medium for 45 more minutes ⌚

Red Potatoes: Boiled until soft. Then mashed with butter and added garlic powder and dried oregano. 🥔

This is Not a Dating Place

Dress: JLux Label | Shoes: Calvin Klein

There is all sorts of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. Many of us are immune to it because we are not offended by it although, it doesn't excuse bad behavior. Bad behavior...by policy guidelines.

I'm sure somewhere in your employment history, you've discussed religion and politics or have overheard coworkers immersed in conversation over those topics. And at happy hour, you may have gotten to chummy with someone in another department. Be very careful with what you say and do outside of the office, sometimes people will interpret the wrong message. As personable as I am, I keep my lines very defined between business and personal.

So then, what about dating in the workplace? Is it still a taboo topic? Do we not address it at all until it affects the business? More often than not, I hear of employees dating each other and it becoming a debacle. When the news gets to me, it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and I'm trying to separate two feuding children. I don't know who is right and who is wrong but, I know they can't work together or further cause disruption in the workplace.

Usually in many companies fraternizing with coworkers is frowned upon because it can lead to a shift in performance. Not to mention pursuing your employees is also a big risk and can do damage to your position. Keeping it professional is the expectation. Anytime I hear of a colleague take interest in someone at work, I voice my concerns and tell the person to be careful of their actions.

About 85% of the people I work with are married and the other 15%....No, thank you. Again, I don't mix business with pleasure and I certainly don't interfere with a marriage...for those of you who think little of someone's marriage, see my disgust on the topic HERE. (One should never be so voided of reality and morals to want the attention of someone's spouse. With all the people in the world, you want the one you can't have?) I understand people will do as they desire, but I don’t have to accept it for myself.

We've heard stories of the high power CEO making way at the young receptionist and the brawls between two women who are seeing the same executive. Humans, I tell ya, animals.

Is it worth it? I suppose I can understand that you see these people more often than you may see your friends or family and you become well acquainted with the people you work with. You have similar interests and joke with each other to get through the day. Maybe my thinking is too strict, but unless I was married to you before we began working together, than I have no interest in a relationship with anyone I work with. And how do you date someone who works for you? It's like you are paying them to be your companion, do they get extra benefits for good performance? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm being facetious. I do however agree that women should date across and up, but not down, and for the sake of my argument, we should still date outside of workplace. Ladies, if you want him that badly, find another job or have thick skin for the scrutiny you may receive.

Now with so many dating sites that you can maneuver through right in the palm of your hands, you can sort through thousands of people in your area (Not me and don’t look for me. I signed up for one dating app for a few months in 2013, I got tired of it pretty quickly. I didn't have a bad experience, I also wasn't expecting much. I did meet some nice people, some of whom I've become friends with and still keep in touch with, others realize they weren’t getting anywhere with me and found their own exits. I'm currently not a member of any dating apps. If you see my picture, then my dear, you are being catfished. That has actually happened before. A story for another day.) You also run the chance of seeing your coworkers on these sites and other people you know from different places. A friend of mine once matched with his professor, awkward.

But how do we separate our personal interests from our professional domains? Are some of us not able to control the chemical imbalances that urge us to act like primates? Am I the outcast here? Because I don't look for romance at my place of business? If I work with you, above you, or for you, I'm most certainly not interested in you. I feel it to be an uncomfortable notion. Although, there are people who've met at work, married one another, and....well, I don't know those endings for no one in my circle has married someone they worked with. But I'm just going to go on to say, it's a safe bet not to date people you work with.

Related articles: Business Woman to Business Wife | The Busy Woman | The Boys Club

Getting a Divorce is NOT the Same as Being Divorced

I follow a female social group on Instagram (@the_socialtea) They host fun-filled educational and empowerment events for women in different cities. Sometimes they encourage discussions online such as the one I am going to emphasis in this post.

"Is Dating a Married Man Who’s Going Through a Divorce Acceptable?”

As I read through the comments, it was a mix of “Yes, sometimes divorces can be prolonged.” and “No, it’s not okay, he needs time to heal…karma is real…and he is still married.” I didn’t place any judgment on any of the women, but I will admit I was a little disappointed with some of the comments. I do know of women who willingly and actively date married men, but those women are not any of my good friends.

I am on the side of NO, it is not acceptable no matter the state of a man’s marriage, he needs to close that chapter and sort out his emotions before seeking another companion or even dating. Even if you are just “talking” it’s still wrong. Don’t feel like you need to be his comfort, you are his diversion. The second you know a man is married, he is UNATTAINABLE. I do not care if you have history with this man or whatever he is telling you about his wife or their marriage (btw, a man who discusses his personal issues about his woman to other women is not honorable.) He chose to marry a woman who is NOT YOU and he should address any matters about their marriage with her, especially if they are going through a divorce. A woman who entertains a married man is THE OTHER WOMAN. Your fight in the triangle is not balanced. You have NO Legal, Financial, or Emotional Claim to him. Yes, I mention emotional because although he may be a “nice” guy but his true emotional barrings are not practical towards you. Here is an article about 5 Things to Expect When You Get Involved With a Married Man.

Let me give you some background on me and my previous life of being someone’s wife: Still in my 20’s and after 9 years, I finally came to realize I was not in a healthy home or relationship. In the 9 years, we did have a time of separation where my partner did see other people as did I. When we decided to reconcile, everything was good for a short period but, as any toxic relationship, the same issues were still there. Instead of confiding in me, the father of my children decided to lean on other women because it was too much for him to face me and resolve issues with me, so he chose to go where the less tension was. It was a nasty time in my life, I did not like who I was and my state of mind was unrecognizable. Even though I knew I needed to let go of this man, it did not help matters knowing that other women wanted him and did not care that he was with me. For some reason they felt “entitled” to him because they had developed a type of relationship with him. And these women were very adamant with telling me everything my partner was telling them and the times they have spent with him. Well guess what, I didn’t give a damn what they were saying or that my husband was making the worst decisions for himself and our family, the fact of the matter is we were still together and these women were on the outside wanting to come in. It was a different level of anger and it wasn’t towards my husband, it was towards these women who thought they wanted my position. (Let me tell you a secret that is not so secret, all of them are not fully happy with result of their choices.)

Here’s is a reality check for women who want attention from a married man: He chose to marry HER, not YOU. It does not matter if you knew him before he was married or met him afterwards, you are now making yourself be a second option. You want what you think is great because you see or speak to him in a limited capacity. You only see your point of view and want what you think someone else took from you or is keeping from you, but you are not seeing the toxic nature of what this man is doing to his wife and to you. And Sis, he most likely is reaching out to you because he knows you want him to and you let him. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you; he is still in a relationship that he needs to end before moving forth with a new one.

Yes, much of my distaste for this is due to my own real life experiences, but I have also not been the character to want, need, or crave the attention of a married man. I have married friends, some of which I am only friends with the husband or was friends with the husband first, but I never cross the line, and the biggest reason for that is I HAVE STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF. The fck I look like going after a married man? I have great fun with my married friends and respect their unions with their chosen partners and all marriages are different from the next, but I will never be The Other Woman.

There may be scenarios of women finding love in a married man and having happiness with him at the end or hearing of women putting up with a man’s emotional dysfunctions and eventually it works out. These are your “safety nets” and not very common, but if those safety nets make you feel better about your decisions, then hang on to them. Although think of this, if you have to adjust your wants and needs to shift how a man acts or responds to you, then you have shown him that you are willing to compromise yourself for him, so what else wouldn’t you do? You already blurred the lines of your independence and if you are that woman, never say things such as, “I wouldn’t let my husband do….” Really Sis? You are already letting him affect your good judgment and if you want him badly enough, you will continue to suppress reality and compromise yourself for him. Remember the saying, “How you get him is how you lose him.” and will you be okay with him being your partner if this is the behavior his is displaying with you? How confident are you in this married man of yours?

Now if a man did not tell you he was married, that is a different type of turmoil and again, if he’s married, he’s MARRIED. Get out now and get out quickly. Therapy will help. I can emphasis that I cannot dictate what others do; it’s your life and you do as you will with it, BUT if you are my friend who is doing this, I don’t have to agree with it or continue to accept you the same way in My life. I cannot speak for another woman or of her feelings towards a man, but I do have higher expectations for women than I do of men, especially for my friends. If you know a man is married and continue to want to develop a courtship with him, that’s fine for you, but I need freedom from that energy because I cannot look at you the same anymore. There is an insecurity there that I cannot help you through.

Ladies, there are so many ways to fulfill your life with happiness but, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, you will struggle with finding that happiness with anything or anyone. After leaving my ex, it took me a long time to find myself, recharge my core values, and be reminded that….

“I AM THAT BITCH! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I don’t take myself too seriously, I can dress to the nines, I’m a damn good mother, and I’m a great friend. I’m there for you if you need me and if I can’t be there, I make it up later on. BUT, I am not going to deplete my energy for you or because of you; that is where I draw the line. It doesn’t matter if you are a lover, a friend, or a family member. I KNOW MY VALUE. I AM A TREASURE.”

My ex has tried to come back into my life a few times. We have children with together, so I cannot completely avoid him, but my communication is limited and rare. I do not play on his advances or give him any opportunity to think I am open to rekindling anything with him. I’m at peace and I’m going to remain here.

"Power Couples"

UPDATED: 03/07/2020

(Happy Valentine's Day. I feel like this day gets more pink and red each year. That's okay though, it's for us ladies anyway.) To those of you who are single, continue reading to the bottom for a message.

In my photographer life, I've captured a good amount of couples. Those madly in love, those newly engaged, those expecting, etc. But the couples who intrigue me the most are the ones building conglomerations together and seem to be...perfect. You know the types of people I'm talking about; the man who has the strongest presence in a room even if he's being silent and the woman who seems intimidating to approach even if she's being personable. They are not just the beautiful people, they are individually interesting, confident, charismatic, and powerful in their own right. Entertainment Society has termed these people who come together as "Power Couples".

Their definition is not referring to two people working and coming home to the usual "How was your day, honey?" types of conversations. It's referring to couples who are in the public eye, whether locally in their communities or nationally on a wider plain who inspire, encourage, and support one another in their personal and professional journeys. The couples who show up for each other. The couples who show their pride in their partners. The couples who push each other to achieve full potential. The couples who have loaded agendas....this sounds like any healthy couple, right? The Power Couples are usually people who have a strong sense of business fundamentals and have a vision to keep moving up the ladder whether it's in a corporation or within their own endeavors. They have a cohesive vision to plan, invest, and excel...together.

Outside from being a Power Couple, legitimate relationships aren't hidden from people. Private, Yes. Hidden, No. A couple may not share the details of their union, but they shouldn't shy away from letting people know they are together. If you are seriously involved with someone and being treated like a stranger or less than a partner when you two are around others, then you're not in a relationship, you're in what the younger generation calls, a "situationship" and that's a completely different dynamic.

I am a firm believer that a good friendship is the foundation to a great romance. You wouldn't hide your friendship, would you? If a friendship is one sided, unbalanced, and conditional, then don't expect it to be anything better if it becomes something more. For any relationship to thrive there needs to be a healthy level of love, respect, and admiration for each other. And the best way to do this is to SHOW it in your actions. We prove by doing, not by saying.

The forehead kiss is one of the most loving forms of affection for any type of relationship. (I've discussed this in extreme detail on my personal site a few years ago.) My young son has even started doing this sweet gesture with me. I may be exaggerating, but the forehead (or top of the head) kiss is a sign of admiration, love, and protection. To be clear, I'm not in any form of romantic affair and not entertaining the idea of anything close to one, (Yes World, there are women who keep themselves to themselves for reasons that are unique to them, respect it), so anytime I receive a forehead kiss it's from good friends, and it makes me feel that these people appreciate having me in their lives and if something is ever wrong with me, they would want to know or try to help me through it in some way. Sweet, right?

Here's a little something personal about yours truly: I'm not always vocal about where I am until after I've been there. More often than not, I take last minute trips for myself, by myself. Some people have jokingly referred me to "Carmen Sandiego" as a result of my disappearing acts, but I always maintain contact in some shape or form. Not too long ago there was a matter where I was almost completely inaccessible...(*sometimes when you are great at doing something, it causes others to feel threatened because they weren't given the opportunities you were. Hard work doesn't go unrecognized...or unpunished.) Only a handful of people were made aware of my location and was able to reach me through other channels. Many of my friends who could not reach me became concerned and two of them moved around their busy schedules to seek me out. They knew exactly how and where to find me, which was impressive since I wasn't in any of my common places. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly before and given so many forehead kisses. They stayed a few days and reminded me each day how important it is to always have a way to stay touch with ALL of my loved ones no matter what was going on.

I say all this to point out that loving someone begins before being in love. Being present for someone and supporting them is another way to show someone you love them. Even though the two friends who showed up for me were platonic friends, I want elements of their affections for me to paralleled with how my partner should care for me. And unfortunately, people can fall out of love, but at least you know what you liked when you were loved. To be this so-called Power Couple, or any type of couple, loving your partner is just as important (if not more important) as being in love with your partner; you two should at least like each other, right?...because if both of you are very busy, confident, driven, and ambitious, losing sight of each other can have an adverse effect on many of your goals. And depending on how you communicate, there may be times of a power struggle. Practice listening and compromising. Ultimatums are not always the best solution. You wouldn't go into a business meeting with equal partners and have only one thought process or strategy, would you? If not, then give your relationship the same attention. You can be powerful alone or you can be powerful together.

In a related post, I discuss dating age gaps. Interestingly enough, the age of you and your partner coupled with your phases in life can have an impact on how your relationship succeeds or suffers. Read more HERE. I also discuss the concerns of dating in the workplace HERE.

*For the Singles: Own being single. You are not alone, you are with yourself, change the narrative of how you acknowledge being single. Be confident and comfortable with your time and space. I've notice in the last year that my standards have only been going up and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't care what critics may say, I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't match my energy and I don't care who makes more money, as long as we keep making efforts for each other. I've been building upon business in other cities/states (image shown). I am extremely focused on how I want my life to be. Even with my personal assistant "S" moving to another country to begin her career, with her help, I have been able to better organize my time and delegate my tasks, yet I'm still very busy. I'm in a "No One Is Allowed To Touch Me" phase and I take pride in being there. I know I'm too amazing of a person to not at least get 80% from someone (80/20 Rule theory) or even 70/30. In a previous post, I talk about investing in people and deciphering between good and bad investments, here's a tip: investing in someone else's marriage is a not great investment see HERE, there's about 5% of happy endings in those scenarios.To invest in others is to also invest in yourself. Take yourself out and vibe with new people. Many strangers who I've met have either became associates, friends, or just good conversations I remembered from those interactions. Sometimes we put too much expectation on making an encounter more than what it really is or needs to be. Let it flow.

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Speaking of being supportive and showing it, on Super Tuesday, the Nation saw how Jill Biden is 100% for her husband. *This is NOT a political message nor does it represent my political views.*

Jill Biden blocked protesters who interrupted her husband's speech to supporters.

Why I frickin LOVE this image:

1. Jill didn't step aside, she stepped up! She was not having it and from the look on her face she probably would have went further if others didn't come in to remove the woman from the stage. (There were 2 protesters).

2. I smirk at Joe's almost nonchalant demeanor because he probably knows his wife is not one to mess with.

3. Jill's face said, "Not today, little girl. This is MY HUSBAND'S time."

4. Jill's face also said, "Catch me outside."

Your loved ones, whether it's your partner, your family members, or your friends should be just as supportive and protective of you as Jill is with her husband. We all need a Jill in our lives. Be like Jill.

She's a Jersey Girl raised in Willow Grove, PA. 😊

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She's Too Young For You, Bro.

Question 1: What is an appropriate age to begin dating?

Question 2: What is an appropriate age gap between two people whom are dating?

I had this conversation with a friend once and we discussed the difference between a 20 year old man and 20 year old woman verses a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman.

The late R&B artist, Aaliyah, had a song called "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" but not long after that song was released, we find out she allegedly had an inappropriate romance with an older man when she was just 14 years old.

Celebrities, people in entertainment, and people who make vast amounts of money sometimes break the lines of what is appropriate. I don't have to list their names, I'm sure you can think of a few. I'm no celebrity and 90% of my friends aren't celebrities, but the 10% who are well known definitely do not get seriously involved with those too young. So to us, what's abnormal IS indeed abnormal.

The age gap between two people isn't necessarily the bigger issue, it's the age of the people themselves and the place card they're at in life. At 25, what is your focus? Would it be the same as someone who is 40? That's a 15 year gap. Although, at 35, you may be on the same playing field as someone who is 50. And here’s a thought, at any age you could be working retail management with a 50k salary, good benefits, taking one nice vacation a year, and that would be enough for you. So you could be 45 and your partner 30, doing the same thing.

There are people who comment that a man who is dating someone much more younger is not fully connected with himself, matured, or disciplined enough so he wants to be with someone who keeps him feeling or looking young…while his friends and family observe and discuss their thoughts in private. I presume it may be the same for when a woman dates a much younger man….but, I’ve not reached those years yet where that could be a reality in my circle.

There is no set age of when someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but with each new age we reach, we do become different people in the sense that we make decisions each year that shape us and we can either be better equipped to be in a relationship or need more time to ourselves. I'm not in my twenties and with technology changing the way we live, social media having more influence, and resources evolving, many young twenty year olds cannot relate to what I experienced while I was in my twenties or even my teenage years for that matter.

My friends and I joke about the music we used to listen to, the mixtapes we used to make with radio songs, having a phone with the long spiral cord, holding hands with your crush at the skating rink, and getting excited when pagers were a hot thing. I don't see myself being serious with someone who I cannot have similar conversations with, but that's only part of it. There also needs to be similar professional and personal missions.  If all you can discuss with me is the grass being green, I will grow tired of you fairly quickly. My mind cannot work with dense conversations.

I should not void out that a woman of a certain age and accomplishments is not the same as a man of a certain age and accomplishments.  I don't ever see myself providing a life for someone who is fully capable of proving their own desired lifestyle. But, a man may be okay with that and may not have any hesitation with dating younger; it's the dating someone too young that may raise some questions.

Hey, if you're happy, what does anyone else think? Enjoy your relationship. Be proud of it. If you feel like it's wrong, then you may need to ask yourself some questions and search for your own answers.

You Don't Go Together

Just because you are "talking" to someone, doesn't mean you go together...

Ladies, if he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and you have not agreed,  you don't go together! Yes, it's like a marriage proposal, the man asks and the woman says yes or no...I'm pretty sure I've said this many, MANY, times in previous posts.

He can tell you he likes you.

He can tell you how good of a woman you are.

He can tell you that he really depends on you.

He can tell you that you're not like other women.

He can tell you he's not seeing anyone. 

He can even tell you he loves you.

BUT, if he has not asked you to be his lady, YOU. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

It doesn't matter if you had/have sex with him or if he seems like the type who doesn't sleep around, YOU. STILL. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

Look, I was once the woman who took many things a man said to me and ran with it. 

Yeah, he wants to be with me, he's just figuring things out right now.

No, we're really together or dating, it's just complicated.

Yeah, he really does like me, he just doesn't know how to express himself. 

LIFE LESSON: Don't run with scissors.

Here are some more signs that you don't go together...interchangeable to men and women.

• When you make it known you are having a bad day or having a rough week and (s)he doesn't check up on you or if (s)he does but, doesn't follow up.  - I'm guilty of this. I may initially express my concern, but that's it, I rarely check back for an update. BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't respond to your calls or texts. - I'm guilty again. I'll read a message and never answer or respond days later, no matter who is reaching out to me and BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't make an effort to make plans with you or spend valuable time with you. - Busy is busy but, you make time for those you want to keep in your life; I may move my schedule around for someone, but until he officially asks me, I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

So people, let's do our best to avoid girl/boyfriend emotions when you weren't even allowed that position.  Also hear this, If you are not legitimately in a committed relationship with someone and your feeling get hurt, that is YOUR issue not his/hers.

Committed Relationship = Two people agree that they are exclusive and working towards combining their lives and making a future together.

And don't expect your non boy/girlfriend to come coddle you or be interested in "we need to talk" or "I need closure." WTF do you want to talk about?  WTF do you need closure for?  This ain't Oprah or Dr. Phil.  

It's like you putting your food in someone's refrigerator and you tell the person he can have it if he wants it.  You're hoping that he sees this act of generosity and will return the favor with equal affections but, instead he eats all the food, says "thank you" and then leaves the dishes in the sink for you to wash, because c'mon, you will do what you can to show this person you belong there.  And now you get upset and want to have a dramatic sit down to talk about it because you feel slighted.  WHY? You created this scenario!

**In some defenses, people don't automatically see the error of their way unless it is brought to their attention but, let's not hang too heavily on this notion since he's not your boyfriend. He's just someone who is in that gray area that you want to crossover with, instead of just letting it be and allowing him to filter himself into that role or filter himself out of your life.**

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a single broad who loves my space and doesn't require much attention.  Just feed me and tell me I'm pretty every now and then.

Learn to control your own emotions, or better yet, STOP trying to coax someone into wanting to be part of your future.

You can boohoo all you want to...

and he may entertain some of your tears but, if you are not his woman...

Some people, mostly men, already do not do well with emotions, so if you start with the water works, don't expect a clear and concise resolution. 

Honesty Moment: I am not the friend you should cry to if you have a broken heart.  I'm going to point the finger to YOU, and ask you what you did to get yourself in this mess. Now if everything you tell me directly points fault to the other person then, yes, I'll coddle your hurt feelings but until then, I'm scrutinizing YOU.

Sorry, a little harsh but, sometimes I have to give you guys some tough love.  Com'ere, and read this quote below...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

And yes, my friends get this same verbiage from me when they do silly shit and get their emotions wrapped up in a man who's not their boyfriend.

Do Men Settle?

When it comes to dating and relationships, women are always telling each other, "Never settle." Do men go through the same notions? 

The act of "settling" is best defined by the person who believes she has settled. It does not necessarily take away from the man, he could still be a great guy, but ultimately, he was not her ideal man or first choice. Hence, he did not meet a certain criteria for her but, overall he was good enough and she just wanted a relationship. 

Do men settle for a woman who was not his ideal match but, instead a woman who is just good enough? A woman who he feels will always be present in his life, no matter the circumstances? Or is it, that woman was always truly the one for him? Therefore, would he begin to condition his thoughts and feeling to adequately "accept" her?

Maybe men have settled into a lifestyle that has worked for them: those who have a way of talking a woman into doing what he wants by saying sweet affirmations and complimenting her in some form; those who have learned to disguise their ulterior motives very well; those who just have a way with women that can't be easily explained.  BUT, some women allow themselves to believe that if she does not appease a man, he will not consider her. Sighs to my fallen ladies whom are trapped in this way of thinking.

Honestly, men are simple beings, Fellas, I say that in the most loving way.  I believe men want different things at different times, and maybe from different people.  On Friday, he may just want sex.  On Saturday, he may just want to catch a movie.  On Sunday, he may just want to talk.  Each of these days may be with different people and the rest of the days, he may just want to be left alone.  The problem is, many men do not know how to articulate exactly what they want from a woman, and ladies, it's our fault…We get too emotional and too wrapped up on the wrong details.  We always want to know the WHY of things.  

Here is something to keep in mind: MEN DO NOT LIKE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES OR REVEAL THEIR FAULTS.  A woman's emotional state can cause a man to not be completely upfront with a her because she wants to harp on every fukcing minuscule detail that has nothing to do with the bigger picture and he does not want the headache.  The point is, if he wants to love you, he will love you and you will feel loved, not needing to question his every word or action.

If it takes years for a man to chose you (not years of consistent dating, just years of going back and forth with you), then I am eager to wonder why his heart was absent for you when yours wasn't absent for him.  Although, it is in our nature to be patient, yes?

So do men really settle or does it just take a long time for them to realize what's good for them? And was what is good from them someone they already had a relationship with or someone who was always there, no matter the status?

It’s a slippery slope when dealing with emotions and everyone’s wants are different. There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?”

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”