Old Sitcom Loves

“I will never go hungry, I just don’t accepted everything that’s offered to me.”

“I am impressed by a man who shows me he has good values.”

I've been watching 80s and 90's sitcoms lately and noticed how cute the interactions are with two people who like each other. Saying sweet things to each other, giving each other compliments, and offering to help and support. It may sound corny, but I remember getting butterflies over a high school crush. And I'm wondering if I could have that feeling again. But let me not confuse you guys, I still cannot dedicate myself to a relationship, I would just like to have that little cutesy feeling and some innocent flirting.

The Effort Series

I do not remember what year this was, but boy I LOVE embracing femininity!

Do you remember how you were in high school? You know like how you might get nervous to talk to someone so you're a little shy but you don't want to say the wrong things so you might stumble over your words and be a little awkward.

Please don't judge me. And let me be honest with you guys, I do get nervous and somewhat awkward when someone compliments me. I just don't know how to take compliments because I feel like I never know if it's genuine or not or if they're just saying it because it sounds good to say.

Ugh...I just would like to have sweet moments where a guy makes me smile and just feel good about everything...and then let me go off to study. I need to get this degree first! Penis is not my priority, but I still want a guy to be there for me. Is that selfish? Like, I'd comfort him too, maybe make out a little? Yeah, I sound super corny, I just can't give all of myself to anyone right now. 

But if I were to keep being honest with myself, I do like it when a man surprises me. Not with flowers or gifts, but shows me the type of character he is. I get very impressed if I find out a man involves himself in community service, coaches a kids sports team, or mentors the youth. I FCKN LOVE IT. We can work, then bs and party, but I love it when a man does things beyond himself and shows me that he has a very good heart. And in these sitcoms you see the characters go through life lessons and learn from their mistakes. I love seeing growth in a man. I love knowing a man identifies his issues and makes a conscious effort to do better. A man like this has good morals and values and a man like this would be a blessing to my life.

Convos With The Fellas

“My latest whip, my latest chick both foreign…I ain't left the city once, still travel abroad.” - J. Cole

I reference my guy friends frequently. We talk about all things from social bs to business bs and they are very unfiltered with me, which I greatly appreciate. Here are some insightful tidbits from conversations I have had with the fellas:

I AM THE CATCH: My friend and I were talking about dating and he said if he dates a woman who has not accomplished some of the same things he has, then HE IS THE CATCH. In summary, he said: “If that girl is a sales clerk, working at McDonalds, or waiting tables, she can’t fuss at me about anything I’m doing because I AM THE CATCH. You just worry about making sure people get their food on time. And if you ask me if I am talking to other people, YES TF I AM, because you don’t match me. You ain’t bring nothing to the table, I am the table.“ — Now, ladies, please don’t be hard on my boy here or me because I completely agree with him, if you’re not matching me in what I’ve got going on in my life then Yeah, you just worry about you. And if you are working in retail that’s not a bad thing if that’s the field you want to stay in and you’re moving up to be in management or own your own store or even work in luxury stores like Chanel, that’s great. That is a goal! It’s the same if you are working in the restaurant or bar business and you are learning to move up in the industry. Baby, you do that! One of my favorite bars I go to, with some of the bartenders that’s their passion and skill, some of them are in school and just making some pocket money, and other are learning the field to start their own businesses. There is nothing wrong with that, just have a vision and make the move to make is a reality.

AGE GAPS: This is actually a common topic with most of the fellas mainly because they are of a certain age, but they are still attractive to younger women because they are handsome AND because of the first bullet point: They ARE the catch and listen, I would not want any of my guy friends making a fool of himself chasing after a child that’s not their own, what sense does that make? And all of my guys have said these something similar to this: “WTF am I going to talk about with a 25 year old? If we are just hanging out at the lounge that’s one thing, but there’s no reason to take it further than that.” One of the fellas said, “These girls talk too much and bring around their friends and they sit and gossip and be petty with each other and trying to be Instagram models and dancing on TikTok, you can keep that over there.” — Again, I agree with my guys. But the funny thing is, they also know about the 25 year old that’s been trying to get me and they all tell me to go have my fun with him and then send him home because apparently when they were all younger, they fooled with older women and said that experience taught them a few things about how grown women like to be and do things.

There Is No Reason For You To Not Be Successful: Now you already know I agree with this. One of the fellas said, “You have the internet where you can learn anything you need to make money, ain’t no reason for anyone to be broke and struggling.” He is so right. If you’re in college or just starting to work, yes it’s going to take time to make the money you want, but if you’re getting older and still relying on other people to get you right, then baby, you are a DEPENDENT and going back to point 1. I Am The Catch and you need to focus on building yourself up to be the catch too.

“I’m Going To Tell The Truth Because I Can Deal With The Consequence”: Two of the fellas have told me that they are very honest with women and their intentions. They let them know they are dating around or talk to other people. If they are out with one woman and another woman they are seeing comes around, they don’t ignore her, they will get up and greet her and show her love. And if it starts to get uncomfortable they will take the time to speak to each woman separately and be honest about what is going on with the other woman. — Ladies, with this one it is kind of a hard pill to swallow because there is not a large pool of decent men who mark off all the things we are looking for and when we do find that man our naturally instinct is not to want to share him and I said that to both of these guys. If I really like someone, I don’t want to see him with another woman regardless if our situation is casual or not, but I understand their point of view too and they both have said that they don’t go to the same place with the different woman so it limit the chances of running into each other and having any issues. So they do make a conscious effort to keep their ladies separate from one another.

“Hoes Balance Society”: These are the wise words from one of craziest fellas. He says look, you can be married, dating, focused on work and have a lot of things going on, but every now and then you just need to let loose, drink, fck, do some crazy shit, and get home safe. I love this man.

Don’t Bring Any Corny Dudes Around Us: Now this one is specifically for me. They strong on me not dealing with any nonsense from any man. Because no. 1, they are guys so they know how other guys are. No. 2, they are going to size him up to make sure he is good enough for me and No. 3, regardless if he is good enough for me or not the fellas are still going to hug on me, be fresh with me, talk shit to me and be how they normally are with me so if I man I bring around a man, he’s going to have to be very confident, otherwise he’s going to be upset with me and assume that I have something is going on with one of the guys. Yeah, I’m just not going to bring anyone around them. And they told me that I better not be on any dating apps. Another funny thing is if I am out with one of them and they see a guy trying talk to me but the guy doesn’t seem up up to their standard or my standards they will act like my man. The last friend I hung out with he went to the bathroom and another man came up to him and asked if I was with him. So I guess my friend knew he wasn’t for me told the dude, “Yeah, that’s my wife.” And this type of thing has happened a few times where one of the fellas will block a guy from talking to me because they knew it would be a waste of time for me.

One of the main reasons I love these guys is because they tell me how it is, they don’t water anything down for me, there is no bs-ing with them, and they are so supportive of me living how I want. So yeah, those are my fellas. I rock with them.

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Northern vs. Southern Men

“Peace & Tranquility: When you have good energy, you want to transfer good energy to others, otherwise you could be closing out on something that you may still need to reflect upon.”

Before I start, I’d like to say “Hi” to a special reader/listener. I don’t take this person as someone who relishes in gossip, so I do not presume that someone is coming to my site to check what I’m doing just to tell someone else about it. So HELLO, my love!

The Effort Series

Even when I am casually out, I try to make a point to be stylish.

I also want to mention that with anything I write or say I do not claim to be right, I am just giving my reflection of an idea or experience. My intimate experiences are not the same as my platonic experiences and when you can identify the difference between the two, you can identify the variations in how you communicate with people depending on your current status with them. We do speak with people we are intimate with differently than how we speak to people we are not intimate with, correct? And you want to practice pulling the positive things through instead of highlighting the negatives, otherwise those not so great thoughts take over how to respond to certain people. And if you believe you are a good person who is at a good place in life, then you look for the light in all things instead of the darkness; don’t pick and choose when you want to have a good heart; have a good heart.

Let’s get on to the topic….

I’ve been inundated with messages about my comparisons between northern and southern men. Again, I want to make it clear that I am not saying all men are like this, I am only reflecting on my intimate experiences with some men. And someone mentioned something to make that makes a little sense why the two regions of men may act differently towards women. With the southern men, the hospitality stems from seeing women as child bearers, house wives, and caretakers, so being delicate towards them is imprinted into their demeanors because woman “subconsciously” are not seen as equals to southern men, whereas the northern men see women on the same level as them and challenge them just as much as they challenge other men. Hmmmm…I thought that was an interesting perception and wanted to share it with you all.

I don’t want to be seen as lesser than someone, but I also don’t want to be mishandled. With my relations with northern men, they talk to me as if I was a man too because they talk to me knowing that I can understand and comprehended at their same level. My intimate relations with southern men, some of them have spoken to me in a patronizing manner as if I am not smart or capable of breaking down complex ideas. It has more been the notion, “this is what I said and I don’t care what your input is”…that’s the thing I resent the most. I am a highly intelligent woman with a list of accolades, don’t talk to me like a child because I am very slick with my words and can say things that you rethink all of your life choices.

But if we are talking about how to handle a woman, with certain women, they like to be told and not asked. I’m not talking about in a work or professional setting, I am talking about in intimate or even casual settings. For instance, I am going to bring up the 25 year old again. One time he told me he wanted to see me and then further told me where he was going to be and what time he wanted to see me there, he did not ask. I FCKN LOVE WHEN A MAN PHRASES THINGS LIKE THIS TO ME. But as I said before, he is young and I am not going to tread in those waters. Should I also mention that he is originally from Chicago? I mean, it does kind of support my argument. I don’t like when men tiptoe what they want with me. Fam, if you want to see me or hang out, then say it! Don’t let your pride stop you from experiencing good times with me! Plus, there was another time where I didn’t respond to the young man’s messages and calls for a few days and when I finally answered, the first words out of his mouth were: “What you don’t answer anyone anymore?!” His tone wasn’t aggressive, it was more letting me know that he was a bit irritated that I was ignoring him and he just wanted to know how I was doing. I appreciate that type of expression because most men hold things in. I like to know when I do something that does not cast me in the best light, but know how to relay the information to me without being disrespectful or condescending.

The Effort Series

Personal style is exactly what it states: PERSONAL. I like to spin looks that match my mood and energy.

The trick is knowing how to handle a certain type of women when she is being stubborn or getting besides herself. That’s the big difference with how northern and southern men react. Don’t hurt me, but identify that I am upset about something and let me know you are trying to hear me. Northern men have told me to STFU, called me Bitch, Dumbass, and all of the above in the heat of the moment when there is an issue, and those things didn’t hurt my feelings because I was saying the same things back to them and they also knew it was just the heat of the moment. I want to keep making it clear that I am not saying this is right or that it is healthy, I am just identifying the difference of what catches my attention. When I am upset, sometimes you need to handle me with bass. Being too soft with me can interpret a few things to me, 1. You don’t care why I am upset and don’t want to make it better. 2. You lack emotional intelligence. 3. You’re an asshole that is hiding behind being a gentleman thinking your are doing some type of justice. Listen, I’ve had men just give me a tight bearhug just to shut me up and whisper to me to “relax and calm down so we can talk about this” and sometimes I need just that.

Sidebar to my secret reader, I hope you’re paying attention to all of this.

There are great things about both northern and southern men, but as I mentioned in a previous topic, I’d love to have a mix of both. Be gentle with me, but know how to assert dominance when I’m being rough without making things worse.

Continuous Growth

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

So Unattractive

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

I’m Dating A Married Man

“If you’re not with her and she’s still on your mind when no one is bringing up her name, she’s still in your heart.”

Before I start, let me share something with you all. So the other day, someone says to me, "All you're worried about is work and your degree." And oh did I have a response. I'll just summarize it for you. - What should I be worried about, fam?! I'm not some broad working an entry-level job, making just enough and with roommates to split the bills with. I've never collected unemployment and never accepted that to be an option for me and as a matter of fact and I don’t even remember the last time I got a tax refund. And when people were getting those covid relief funds, I didn't qualify for it. So if me being focused on work and school is an issue to someone, then baby your hustle ain't the same as mine. What would you rather me do, watch reality shows and talk about what the celebrities are doing or get into other people’s business? You can get out of my face with that underdeveloped mindset.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and a man isn't one of them. I have my guy friends who I speak with from time to time and who I also try to hang out with when schedules permit, but they have their lives too. So again, no man in my mix other than my son. But you ladies send me the most interesting stories sometimes. The ones that I get the most are about being in relationships with married men. Now I don't judge and frankly, I'm not even surprised. The more you experience life, the less shocking things are.

One of you ladies sent me a message that sat with me a little. This lady shared that she's been in a 5 year relationship with a man who's been married for 6 years. She tells me that he has 6 year old twins which is the main reasons for his marriage. In addition to this, she's known this man for 8 years and they always had an weakness for each other. And even with his marriage and his kids, they couldn't resist still seeing each other. I don't think there's a man in my life that I can't resist. And in the same breath, I don't know there's a man who can't resist me or maybe there is and he just keeps his distance. But that's a messy situation to be in, to be emotionally involved with someone who can't or won't completely be with you.

I would have told the reader to just have her fun because I do know of people who get involved without any serious attachments. Like my one friend, he loves his wife and children but he does do some extra things outside of his family. Even though I don’t agree with all of that, I admire that he is very upfront with the other women. He lays out his boundaries which then puts the decision on the woman to decide if she is okay with his conditions or not. I’ve seen him do this and I’ve known him a fair amount of years to know that if a woman were to claim that my friend told her things like he was going to leave his family for her, I’d know that would be a lie because he doesn’t talk like that and he doesn’t carry himself like that. There’s another friend I have who has been married a long time too that if a woman made claims that he was inappropriate with her, I’d called her a lying whore because I know my friend and he would never do anything offensive towards a woman. Look, I stand by my friends, especially the men who take care of their homes and families regardless of any extracurricular activities they may be involved in.

The Effort Series

This is actually a photo from a few weeks ago. I bought this dress because I liked the color, not because I had anywhere to wear it to. Many of the things in my closet are random buys like this one.

But, as for the reader who sent me the message, it seems like her heart is really invested in this man and this relationship. And it must be painful to love someone who goes home to his wife and children every night. Girl, I don't know what to tell you and I don’t how you're doing it. I could say so many feminist things like, just find you someone else, stop being stupid, you're better than this, let that man have his wife....but I know love and infatuation is complicated and you won’t let go of that man until you’re ready to do so. I have had friends who’ve gotten involved with people I knew were not a good fit for them, but I didn’t say anything because they wouldn’t have heard me…I have friend like this now who I’m secretly questioning their choices. They needed to see it for themselves and the best thing I could do was to just keep being supportive of them. Plus, I have my own demons with the men I've loved, so I really can't tell anyone who they can and cannot want. And I don’t know anything about the man’s marriage and we all know everyone’s marriage works differently. As for you, my lovely reader, I do wish you the best in this situation and hope you end up with a man who wants to come home to you and call you his wife.

We can't save ourselves from being hurt and keep making the decision that cause us to hurt, but we can always try to be happy. The question is, can with live with happiness that's at the expense of someone else? 

Reader Input: Seeing Someone?

“If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself or uncomfortable situations, your soul needs adjusting.”

I like to read a lot, not just for study, but just for leisure and I’ve noticed many authors insert themselves into their stories in one way or another. Now, I am not claiming to be an author, but I do share pieces of my life with you guys. For instance, the other day I was sitting at the bar doing work…yes, I am that type of square. Hey, someone will appreciate my hustle…anyway, I was writing in my notebook and a friend came up to me to say hi. This same friend is someone I made attempts to call to check on him and left my calls unanswered and when I mentioned it to him, you wanna know what this man said to me???? — “I was in my zone.” — Now, I didn’t say what I wanted to say, because I wanted to say, “Oh so you didn’t respond to your other friends either? Or you just had an issue responding to me?” Nope, I kept it pleasant and accepted the answer he gave me. But, this mthrfckr (and I say that with love, because I have nothing against him) but this mthrfckr was really trying to downplay how well we know each other. So I’m like okay, sir, tell me what you want to, I hope that answer made you feel good, I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I was just taken back with that excuse. I’m in my zone too, but I still reach out to people.

Anyway, that’s not the topic here. The topic is one from last month where a reader shared their thoughts on. In the post called “Are You Seeing Someone” we talked about how people don’t share if they are involved with someone and some reasons why they don’t want people knowing they are involved. Remember, there is a difference between not talking about your relationship vs. not admitting you are in a relationship. So the reader gave me a scenario to put myself in. Say I was intimate with someone but, did not tell people or certain people, what would be my reason? And the reader claims one of the main reasons is that I would be keeping the opportunity open for someone else and that I am really just passing the time with the person I am currently intimate with. And this made me think: Is this the underlying reason for us to keep some people a secret? Because we are anticipating for something to happen with someone else?

Now, I am still being selfish with myself….yeah, none of those dates went anywhere…and I’m okay with that, but let’s say for example I become intimate with the 20 something I told you guys about (I’m sorry if you guys are getting annoyed with hearing about him, but’s he’s the only one who has put aside his pride and consistently expressed that he wants me, and I do admire that in any man.) I already know it’s not going to be anything serious because I cannot give him all that he wants, so if a man of my level comes into my life, would I be more likely not to share with him that I have a lover so that I don’t risk him becoming distant from me? It does seem logical, even though it is not completely the right thing to do. I think it’s a matter of chances. Do I chance telling him I am sleeping with someone even though it’s not serious, in hopes that he may become serious with me? So then I would be in a sort of triangle playing with people’s emotions. — I cannot do that.

Why is this so complicated? See this is why I still think a “Homie-Lover-Friend” is the best option for me, but the only problem is all my homies are deeply involved or firmly married and I don’t get in between things like that or I have certain boundaries with some of them that I will not cross. But I also have to be honest with myself. With all that I have going on, can I really give enough attention to a relationship right now? Honest answer: NO. I mean, I just told you guys I was working at the bar. There’s big projects I’m overseeing with work and I have my own project I’m developing for school, not to mention my family dynamics and my first born going off to college in the fall, so I’d really need someone not to feel slighted or unwanted when I am on tunnel vision or when I’m giving my attention to other things.

The Effort Series

Where is this skirt?

And I want to be able to relax with someone and not be accused of not caring because I am not making enough time for him. I am loyal to a default, if I am sleeping with a man, he’s the only man I’m sleeping with unless I decide otherwise and make it clear that it’s done. You can see my hanging out with a bunch of random men or even just my guy friends and make assumptions, but I will still only be sleeping with one man. I actually had a relative conversation with one of my guy friends about not introducing him or other guy friends to anyone I’m seeing. I told him I probably could not bring someone I am sleeping around our unique group of male friends because they are very affectionate and flirtatious with me. The hug on me and always make sure I have a drink in my hand and that I’m enjoying myself. So unless the man I am seeing already knows these guys personally, he would think something inappropriate was going on with one of them.

I also want someone who takes interest in what I am doing. Like if I tell him what my research topic is for my degree, I’d love him to give me some suggestions or even point me to some contacts that could benefit my research. These are things that are important to me, but I won’t be one-sided, I’ll be invested in things important to him too. I want a mutual support of each others goals. If he doesn’t talk about his ambitions or want my input, then yeah it will be one-sided. I can’t engage if he doesn’t give me anything to engage with.

I think I lost track of the initial topic…if I am sleeping with someone and I am not telling a certain man or people that I have someone intimate, then would be fair to say that I am trying to avoid the conflict of someone not taking interest in me because they’ll think I am already in a relationship? Is this how it’s supposed to work?

Wifely Duties (NSFW)

'“My kitty doesn’t beat for a handsome man. It beats for a man who shows me he’s an honorable man.”

Let’s start March with a bang. If you are at work please do not listen to this on speakerphones.

I love when you readers send me questions and want my opinions. A woman wrote to me saying that she has not been in the mood for a long time and she is starting to feel like her husband is pulling away from her. She says he is a good man, he works hard, he is very catering to her and isn’t the type of man who thinks a woman’s place is at home, cooking and clean. He does his fair share of maintaining their home too and he’s a great father to their kids. So she wants to know what she should do because she loves her husband, but she just hasn’t been feeling like getting down in the bedroom.

Ok, I am about to be raw with you guys so please don’t listen if you are overly sensitive to certain terms…

The Effort Series

I really did have fun with this red color.

Baby…ain’t shit out here in these streets. There is piss all up an down these roads, okay. 90% of these men will waste your time and just want you at their convenience. Their penises come with bs that you don’t need especially if you are a woman who has her shit together, career, home, healthy bank accounts, things like that. That dick that comes with the bs, isn’t stable dick and will also make you unstable. The other 10% may or may not be single. And the ones who are single are probably 25 years old, like the young man I’ve been telling you about. His grown is not the same as my grown, and if I give him some of me, I’m going to snatch his soul. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want that on my conscious, so I am going to spare him. But honey, back to your marriage, it sounds like you have a great man. First thing I suggest is to go to the doctor, your gyn, to get everything checked out and tell your doctor what’s going on. It may be health related. If there is an issues, get it solved and if there isn’t, the next thing you need to do is go get some lingerie, some oils, candles, and some sensory toys. Then get a babysitter, book you a nice hotel room, get some room service and take care of your husband! Arch you back, get on your knees, lick it up, swallow it, do the most on your husband. Let him know that your body wants him and how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family. Because like I said, AIN’T SHIT OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS!

Ladies, we cannot get too high and mighty and letting other people get in our heads about not catering to your good man. That “City Girl” life…leave it to the city girls, they just want to frolic and have fun and that’s work for some women, because their life ain’t your life. You have to face what you currently have. And if you have a good man at home, let him know it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.

Is this how defensive women get these days? “Why are you texting him?” - Girl, stop sneaking on his phone and hand it back to him.

February Summary

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

  1. The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.

  2. The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

The Effort Series

Legs.

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Recovery

My last 3 days consisted of…

Sunday: Superbowl loss. The pain.😫

Monday: Binge drinking all day. It started at lunchtime and did not stop until about 12am. Too much and I remember so little details from that span of time. 😫

Tuesday: Did not get out of bed and wasn't functional until about 6pm. I did get some sweet messages from friends and a few from some of you. I also got an email from someone who wants to do a write-up about my dissertation topic. This will be my 3rd interview about my accomplishments and goals. 😊

What do you guys think of this video and what he’s saying? IS this true? Is there really no such thing as “being too busy”? So because I do not make time for someone, does that really mean I don’t care enough to want to see them? Is this the narrative we are accepting?

*There’s a few people I should send this to. Lol.

Just A Few Minutes

“There's men who really don’t appreciate a woman who has her own, they instead go for someone who wants to be his dependent.”

So I saw this statement on one of my social media feeds, take a second to read it.

Fellas, I know some of you are on here and I'll tell you right now, THIS IS SOOOOO ABSOLUTELY TRUE! And let me explain why…

When we are taking care of ourselves, there’s no charade or showboating. We know exactly what we want and exactly what area of the Hello Kitty to focus on. My only audience is me.

The Effort Series

When I tell you this dress turned heads…IT TURNED HEADS!

With a man, and I can only speak for myself, but when I’m with a man I want the full experience, the kissing, touching, hugging, the tease, the foreplay, the talking, I want it all and I want it to last longer than a few minutes. But when it’s just me, there's no need for all of that, I just need to clear my head and it won’t take me long to do that. So yeah, we only need a few minutes. 😼

For those of you who don’t know what a rose is, it’s a toy that looks like a rose and the middle peddle vibrates and moves a different speeds depending on the setting you put it on. This toy has great marketing and has a lot of good reviews and I can tell you it lives up to the hype and all the reviews are accurate. 😼💦

Our Business Not Yours

“I hate when people lie to me when I can read their energy. Who are you trying to convince? Me or You? Because I already know.”

This topic is sort of related to the My Man My Man post and for those of you who asked me about how my guy friend reacts when I say certain things to the women he’s dating, he doesn't react because he'll tell those ladies that I’m not going anywhere and they'll either have to accept it or be gone. And all of them cooperate because they want to be with him. And again, I never slept with him so there's no sexual energy between us. Some women just aren't comfortable with me around their men no matter what my history is with him. And the women who try to get snappy with me, I hold my tongue as best as I can because I can promise you that anything I say in retaliation will crush her soul and have her thinking her whole life choices. — You don’t want to play with a woman who has her shit together because she did and learned a lot to get there and she will tare down your value if you push her. If a woman has an issue with a man she’s dealing with, don’t bring your aggression towards another woman or bring other people into it, address it with the man because if you’re not my friend and you’re getting upset with my about a man, I’m not going to really care too much about your feelings because your focus is on wrong person.

There is also a few of you who didn’t like that I said I'm not one of those females who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman.” and saying I should be more supportive to women. What is there for me to support? Listen, adult relationships are different especially the older you get and you realize everyone has their own ways of making things work. It’s not my place to tell a woman about a man, any man. He decides however he decides to act and you have the option to accept it or walk away. You can tell him about things that bother you and if he doesn't make any changes, then that is his choice and you can make your choice. There's no need to get anyone else involved for you to decide what to do. Can you not make your own decisions? Do you not have options? That's why I’m not telling a woman about a man, I’m not going to influence her heart in way. Her partner should be handling that.

Anyways, let’s move on. You guys know how I talk about privacy? Let's talk about privacy in our relationships even if it’s not yet too serious and let’s all get on the same intellectual field here about secrecy vs privacy because I hate being gaslighted and being told I don’t know what I’m talking about when my intuition was right the whole time…C'mon now I’m not a dumb broad. I’m pampered, but I ain’t dumb and I pay attention 😏. Secrecy is denying your involvement with someone. Privacy is acknowledging your involvement with someone, but not sharing details about it.

The Effort Series

Even when I was being casual, I still made is stylish.

You still need to keep a barrier between you, your partner and everyone else. My two best friends are both married. Just like any other relationship, they go through some tough times, but a marriage is high level commitment and communication. Both my bestfriends and I can talk about anything with one another and we support each other unconditionally. My one bestfriend has never discussed with me any of her marriage woes. While my other best friend has only once told me when her husband was upsetting her and it was more so a disagreement between the two of them and they both said some harsh things to each other, it wasn't a divorce level issue. Either way, my bestfriends and I all know that our relationships are our own not anyone's, not our parents, not our other friends, not our other family members, not our coworkers, no one. The most anyone really needs to know is that you are in a relationship, any other piece of information isn't necessary unless you want to share it.

Even with my marriage my friends didn't know there was issues until it ended. Everyone thought we were doing good. Although, my ex had a habit of sharing our business with other people. So when my friends learn about some details, they called me about it. I didn't want to discuss it, I just wanted to move on.

It's the same with anyone else in my life, if I’m having issues with them, I don’t console with anyone else. There have been times when a mutual party would step in, which I don't mind, but I still keep the details limited and I'll let the other side tell their story however they want to tell it. Keep in mind that people who have a lot to say about someone when things are bad they are deflecting their part in the problem which is why if I’m on bad terms with someone I don't give anyone too much information about what the problem is. If that person and myself cannot work it out then I’m not going to solicit other people to get their involvement or input. If there is a mutual person who wants to step in then it should be a person who knows both of you and is going to be unbiased.

Zodiac Compatibility: Real?

“Taurus women are loyal and sensual lovers.”

Not Mentioned: With the Asian zodiac (said to be most accurate) I was born in the year of the Ox. Patience and honesty are the two characteristics that many people appreciate the ox for. The reliable, dependable, and loyal ox is probably the best type of friend you can ever have. Oxen are very caring towards their family and friends. The will always be there when someone they care about is in need, but the ox is very stubborn; it is hard to change their mind when they have already decided on something. They are usually calm, but when they are at their limit, they can turn into an aggressive person. - I can see this being accurate.

Okay, first topic of the month and since we’re starting off I figured it be best to begin with the zodiac topic and I am paring it with another post that’s about what one of you suggested I start doing.

Interesting…

This is very accurate to my personality. I’m very chilled and laid back, but if you push the right buttons, there’s no telling what will happen. You only get a pass to try me one time.

Like I said in a previous topic, I’m not a huge believer of this, but I'm willing to read about it here and there. It all depends on what you believe. I’m into Greek and Roman mythology and they believed in God’s that represented similar ideas to the zodiac signs. Plus, I always like reading the stories that have hidden life lessons and theories. Oedipus, Sisyphus, Medusa, Persephone, and Narcissus are a few good stories if you want to do a little reading. — Those Greek and Roman Gods were reckless!

My sign is a Taurus. It’s assume that one of my top compatibility partners is a Scorpio. Taurus is an earth element and ruled by Venus, which in Roman mythology represents love, beauty and pleasure. Tuaruses are said to be loyal, stable, dependable. Scorpio is ruled by Mars (are you picking up where this is going). Mars represents action, passion and sexuality. Scorpio's element is water. So what they are saying is the opposites between Taurus and Scorpio is what attracts them together and can create balance: Mars (masculine) and Venus (feminine), earth and water, sensuality and sexuality. Both signs have a desire for pleasure and luxury. I also read that these signs can have a great sex life as long as Scorpio is tender and Taurus experimental….yeah, I’ll leave that to your imaginations.

The Effort Series

The really used to focus on accessorizing my looks.

Another sign that is compatible to me is Cancer. Cancer is also a water element. It’s said that a Taurus and Cancer are affectionate and nurturing and share many of the same values and interests. Their connection is based on empathy and trust and have a perfect understanding and value security, commitment, and love. A Taurus and Cancer couple will be like “Peaceful Warriors” and will approach problems with practicality. Taurus and Cancer couples are powerful because they know how to complement each other with ease. They also get along really well with each other as they are both sentimental, and sensual and they appreciate each other's ability to love deeply.

My next compatible sign is Capricorn. Capricorn is the goat and Taurus is the bull so they have similar characteristics. Both of these zodiac signs are practical, dependable, and intelligent. Both are earth elements and are attracted to each other's stability and reliability. They are both extremely ambitious individuals with a tremendous work ethic and a high drive to succeed on the professional front. Since they are both Earth signs, they are both grounded people and build a solid and responsible relationship.

So if any of you are any of these signs, you may be the one for me. 😄BUT I must give you a heads up, because I am very reserved, I tend to hold things in and can be sensitive at times, so your emotional intelligence needs to be on point.

Find out your sign compatibility is this article my friend shared with me: HERE . Remember, this is just for entertainment, I wouldn't run home with this information. And if you’re dead set on compatibility partners being based on zodiac signs, look at the people who you know are married and have been married a long time, what are their signs?

Love Challenge

“I like to engage with people of my caliber. I limit my attention to everyone else.”

So this topic came about after one of you readers suggested I start doing a few things differently to have a fulfilled love life…I love how your guys look out for me. Before I get in to that, to be clear, having a romantic relationship is not one of my top goals and you all know I’m stubborn, right? The last man I was involved with was in 2021. Remember in a previous post I mentioned I had a little back and forth with someone about the timeline of when I was last with a person? I did my research and confirmed my timeline. So the other person is confused and is probably telling the wrong information to make other people feel better…My thought is if you’re going to tell a part of my business, tell it right, don’t just say things to make yourself look better. Because when someone else doesn’t remember the same way, they may have been doing some bs on their end. Just my opinion.

The Effort Series

Coordination is a skill.

Look I want to enjoy my life and if I have to cry or be upset, I rather shed tears for other people who are going through troubles; I’m not shedding tears for myself anymore. And you can still value the history you have with someone, that's beautiful, but if there was any hurt or pain, you have to let that go and be grateful of where you are right now✅️. And with the guy there some things that happened which hurt me, he may have a different perspective and that's okay because today, we’re fine. He was the last significant relationship type of thing I had, but it’s not awkward when I see him.

Anyway, let’s move on. I will take some of these mentioned suggestions into consideration. And I also want to mention that I am starting to come out of my shell just a tad…I mean, I did go on a date a few weeks ago. That’s a start. I think with where I am at in life I can only sparsely dedicate my attention to building a relationship with someone new. I really don’t want to go through getting to know someone with the intention of something happening, I rather hangout with someone when my time permits and make the most of that time and if an intimate relationship develops, that’s okay, BUT I still want us to keep our initial friendly foundation like hanging out casually, talking about different life topics, and enjoying each other outside of sex. I need someone who is of my caliber and can fully understand that I have my life already setup to my preference and I am willing to bend my own rules on some things, but I cannot make compromises that take away from my stability. - A homie, lover, friend, that’s what I would like. (I think I talked about this in previous topics.)

Here are the suggestions made to me:

  1. Meet someone new each month: This won’t be hard because I meet people all the time when I am out because I am very welcoming and open to conversations with people around me although, I usually keep it at that and do not engage into anything further. I could be more open to connecting better with new people.

  2. Go on at least 2 dates a month: Well, I already did one in January, I guess I could be open to this.

  3. Reconnect with someone you already know: I have no comments for this one.

  4. Be more affectionate: I actually had this realization late last year that I am not very physically affectionate although, I am verbally affectionate, so I can improve on this.

  5. Agree to spontaneous trips with someone: Ummmm…this one I am a little hesitant on. Unless I already know the man very well or I’ve already been intimate with him, I am not so sure about just disappearing with a random person for a few days.

  6. Be more flirtatious: I think I am charismatic, but I am fuzzy on what flirting is. Do I just smile and give a man compliments? Or do I say suggestive things? Like if he asks me what I’m doing later do I say Him? Do I give him sultry looks? What defines as flirting that’s not too forward?

  7. Make special time to be with someone special: Well, I can do this. Once I have someone special, I can definitely devote some undivided time to him.

  8. Send good morning and goodnight messages: Again, once I have my homie, lover, friend, I am open to doing this.

Thank you dear reader who send me this list. I’m willing to be open to these things and see what happens.

January Summary

“Come with love and peace or leave needing it.”

WHEW…I don’t know about you guys, but this month has been A LOT! I hit the ground running on the first of the month and have not stopped yet! Plus we talked about a lot of topics in the last few weeks, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t think I have ever wrote this much in one month. I cannot promise it will continue to be like this, my Spring term is heavily centered around reading and research, so I may have a period of quietness, but don’t fret, I am never gone too long.

I also want to welcome the 800 new readers here, I don’t know what caught your interest to this site, but I am so happy you chose to be here and read or listen to all this madness. THANK YOU! For those of you who are new, I’m Raya. I developed this site in 2008. I write about topics pertaining to love, relationships, how to best navigate through them and to not lose yourself in the process. Many times I reference my own experiences, but I never get too personal.

The Effort Series

I listen to my church sermons online now, but when I used to go in person, I really made sure I was presentable.

I’ve already got a few topics set aside for February such as identifying the types of relationship you want vs. the types of relationship you get into and how you include other people into your relationship. For instance if people are always around you and getting involved into your personal details, then it’s their relationship too 🤷🏽‍♀️😆. I am also going to talk about the suggestion one of you readers gave me about my own love life…that’s going to be an interesting topic. Plus, are you guys zodiac people? Meaning you follow hard on what your birth sign is and how it relates to your future and the type of person you are? I’m not. Although, I do have friends like that and I do listen intently, I’m just not a full believer. One of my friends sent me a zodiac compatibility based on my sign, which I thought was very interesting and that’s going to be another topic. So yeah, February is mapped out it seems. Any of you have Valentine’s Day plans? I think I may do a spa day, wine and dine myself with a fancy dinner (there is the one resturant called Evnaglines that people keep telling me about, but I have yet to go to. I wonder if I’ll need a reservation if it’s just me…Hey, I have no shame in have dinner by myself. I enjoy my own company and that’s why I think the “Single” life with an understanding and caring lover-friend will work best for me), and maybe I’ll book a night at a local hotel. We’ll see.

Happy February everyone!

My Man My Man

“Saying ‘I Love You’ can cost you more than your heart can afford.”

PRE THOUGHT: The reality is, other people don't improve or ruin your relationship. Your choices do that.

Some of you ladies send me messages about your relationships. Many times it’s in response to one of the topics and you either affirm you have something great going on or you have your concerns.

One reader wrote how her boyfriend is so catering to her and how she feels special and safe around him. My dear reader, I love that for you. I don't come across many messages like this unfortunately.

So many other readers share heartache about men and how they can't understand why their relationships fail. I've learned some men can have odd ways of expressing themselves. The constant arguing is not healthy. The best thing I can tell you is to give him space to figure things out. Men harbor thoughts and emotions, I don't have an explanation why, they just do, so give them time to sort through their thoughts and keep letting them know you still care.

One of my guy friends always seem to have the same issue with women he gets involved with and I always ask what is he doing the same and what is he doing differently to avoid going in circles. Sometimes a relationship isn't really what we want, we just like the idea of having someone to spend time with. — And this is where things can get complicated because you transfer comfort into romance and you convince yourself this is a great idea without assessing your lifestyles, your goals, and your values.

I take my personal relationships seriously and anything that occurs between me and another person is between us two. Meaning the things we talk about or do in private is not privy for everyone else unless we are both present to discuss the matter with others. I am not only at a certain age, but also at a mindset that casual encounters hold no value to me. You are either a significant part of my life or you are not and being significant to me doesn’t necessarily mean being a lover to me, but it can mean just being there for me or being a good friend.

Nothing is ever simple and expect the unexpected. Every single one of us has our uphill battles as well as our downhill battles and our focus should always be to understand our own emotions and getting ourselves into a space where we can still be good to others even when we are facing issues in private and not treat others as if they are a road block in our lives. Never speak poorly about someone even if they are speaking poorly about you. 99% those people always regret their words.

Women like to be sure of the man they're dating and it can be a hard road to navigate if the man has female friends. If a woman approaches me about my interactions with a man and trying to see what my involvement is with him, whatever I say is going to have her more confused and I don't like being interrogated. I’m not one who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman” type of thing and if someone starts to ask me questions here's how I answer:

  • Yes, I am a part of his life

  • Whatever else you want to know you'll need to discuss with him

  • I won't say anything bad about the man

  • I won’t say anything bad about the woman either because she's already upset

And this isn’t a reflection of the man, it’s more keeping myself from going back and forth with another woman. Her concerns don't stem from me so I’m not the person she should be having the conversation with. Again, that's why I like to keep things private even with people I’m just friends with especially men. I never know what their dealings are with other people, I only know what their dealings are with me and there can be a misconception of what that is so I don't explain my connection to people with anyone I’m not fully comfortable with.

The Effort Series

Blue or white are usually my go-to colors. I play around with other hues here and there.

One of my friends who I grew up with is constantly going through relationships phases. One month he’s so in love and the next month he's dealing with someone new. And with some of the women I met and they'll ask me questions, but I don't ever give them too much information because at the end of the day, I stand by my friend and I was here before any of these women, I here now, and I’ll still be here after them. And I don’t mean that in a foul way and this friend and I have never been romantic, but I just know how he is, I know his patterns. So I don't ever get too close to his women.

Ladies, if you are having issues with your man or special friend, that's something you’ll need to work out with him or yourself. And again sometimes men need time to sort things out too. (Fellas, I’m trying to go to bat for you on this). Figure out what you want and then have the necessary conversations.

For those of you whom are in healthy relationships, maybe I’ll need to set something up where you can tell us how you're making it work. 😀

Check On Me Tonight

“Say hi today. It could bring a brighter tomorrow.”

I don’t know how I'm going to explain this topic because I can't always determine why people do what they do. Do you ever check on people just to see how they are or what they've been up to? What about when you indirectly check on them? Like instead of talking to them directly, you're seeing about them through other ways whether it be through other people or looking on their social media page. Have you ever done that? Why? Why not just call the person?

Let’s go through the different possibilities of why you would keep tabs on someone.

  1. You want to know what's going on in someone's life because you want to know where you fit in. Maybe it’s someone you used to be with and you're seeing if they've moved on with their lives.

  2. It’s someone you've seen go through a lot of struggles and you like seeing them do well.

  3. It’s someone from your past who you're not sure if you should reach out to them or not because maybe things didn’t g so well the last time the two of you spoke you want to avoid any possible conflicts.

No matter what the reason is, you care about this person in some way. So what's keeping you from talking to them? So I started thinking about this whole transparency thing because I mentioned in the post “Love Isn’t Enough” that a guy I used to be involved with, we were not always transparent with one another and it affected the way we treated each other. So one of my newer goals is to be more fluid with people and I think if you are thinking about someone, you should reach out to them. What could it hurt? — Don’t put any expectations on it and go in with an open mind.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a guy checking for me from a distance. Would that be creepy or romantic in some way? I guess that would all depend on how I know the man and if he has good intentions for me. OMG what if the athlete I use to be serious about was keeping tabs on me? Actually, no he would have popped up on me somewhere by now. He would've found out who I do business with, the places I like to go and somehow just walked his way into my life. How do I know this? Because he’s done it before. He’s one of the reasons why a few years ago I started going to extra lengths to keep my name out of certain things, although it’s not always easy to do that in my field of business and investments. The athlete isn’t dangerous, let me be clear about that. He just always causes problems anytime he’s in my life, and bless his heart, he doesn’t mean to. I think his heart is in the right place, but he challenges any other man around me. We both don’t act right when we’re around each other. But I doubt he's checking on me. Last I heard he was married with a few children now. People who’ve happily moved on usually don’t look back.

The Effort Series

Over the next few topics I'm going to share how I really used to put effort in my looks: hair, makeup, clothes

It would be kind of nice to know that someone is frequently thinking about me, not just for their own person gain, but to genuinely be happy to know where I am at in life and how well I’m doing. And maybe just waiting for the right time to say something to me. — Hey, we’re on a new year, clean slate, make something happen.