Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

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Summary of the Vlog:

1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

The Gatsby Man

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When you hear the name Gatsby, you probably think about extravagant parties. The story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote is loosely based on his relationship with his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. The book is a love story, a sad love story and it is one of my favorites. Jay Gatsby is a fictional character, he is an idea, but it is the realism of a man who will do anything when he is in love — at least I think that is what the author was trying to convey. A man in love may not do the same things as Gatsby did to win back Daisy, but a man may do irrational things to prove to a woman how much he admires her. There is something thrilling about that.

Naked Wardrobe: Search “A Real Catch”

A friend recently said to me, “Raya. I don’t think you’ve ever been in love. You may have loved people and you know what love is, but you never been in love.” — To which I gracefully nodded. Being in love warps your thinking, it’s similar to being in lust which also has you doing things you would not normally do, but when you are in love, you do things that change the long term effects of your life. For instance, Gatsby created businesses and bought a huge house with housekeepers and servants just to prove to Daisy he can give her everything she needs. He spent years making enough money and kept track of her to one day get the chance to convince her to be with him. Does that sound crazy? And is it crazy if you are in love?

Yes, I’ve done things I’ve never done or normally would not do for men I have been involved with, but the list was short. And each man did not get all the same benefits. For instance, I gave my ex children, I didn’t give anyone else kids (but that is more logical reasoning than anything else). Another man I knew worked late hours and he would call on his way home just to talk. I’d be sleeping most of the time, but I kept my ringer on so I wouldn’t miss his call. I’ve not done that with anyone else. You see, I don’t believe everyone is the same because everyone isn't the same, hence not every man is the same. And ladies, do we agree that each man we’ve been involved with has brought out something different in us that the other man has not done before?

But what if Gatsby wasn't Gatsby? What if he was an average man, with an average living wage? Or less? What would this kind of man do to gain the love of his sweetheart? I think he’d be more creative. I think he’d pay more attention to what she likes and find a way to make her smile without superficial objects. Gatsby could afford anything Daisy wanted and with Daisy being the character that she is in the book, she validated luxury with love. I think I would rather someone listen to my interests and surprise me with what he comes up with.

My friends and I talked about love languages recently. There are 5 of them:

1. Words of Affirmation: Saying words of encouragement, support, and confirmation.

   • This is the language I speak the most. I believe saying good things to people goes a long way. *One of the main attributes that I'm aware of within myself is that I can be great with words or I can be vicious with words and that is because my intellect extends beyond spoken language. I read people.

2. Gifts: Giving little or big presents to someone, depending on the person's likes.

   • I like giving gifts that relate to the person in some way. I feel like it’s confirmation of what I’ve noticed about them and I appreciate people who do the same for me.

3. Physical Touch: Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

   • I am really not an affectionate person, but when I really like someone, I’m more willing to show and receive physical affection.

4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.

   • This probably the one I cherish most. When someone chooses to spend their time with me and we just enjoy each other's company it means the world to me.

5. Acts of Service: Doing nice things for someone.

   • The is another one I hold high regards for. I love it when someone does little things that help make my day go by easier.

I believe I speak all these languages and I’d want all these languages spoken to me. So the Gatsby type of man is not the ideal man, he’s a fantasy, a void, a romantic idea, a superficial feeling. I don't want a Gatsby, I want a partner. A partner in compassion, a partner in consideration, a partner in understanding, a partner in love.

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Worth The Fight

(Comments enabled until Sunday Jan. 16th, 6pm.)

This first paragraph has nothing to do with the topic, but it is not enough for me to create a separate post about it. — You know what I learned recently? Being a free spirit can be also considered as being hoe or participating in hoe-like activities. Huh? When did this happen? I bring this up because one of the things I want to do differently is to say “Yes” more, not to anything that jeopardizes my health or my values, but saying yes to new experiences (this may be hard to do right now since I spend much of my time studying and working and I’m inside by or before 8pm and asleep by 10pm. Lol, I told you my personal life is not that exciting, it’s all emails, deadlines, books, writing, editing, and online shopping 😁). The idea of saying Yes more is similar to being a free spirit which is now apparently a vague term, it can mean so many things. It still mainly means being fun loving, right? But what’s fun for one person may not be fun for the next, so I guess the definition is unique to each person. I am still going to stay grounded; I can make mistakes, I just can’t make major ones that drastically change the dynamics of my life. So hopefully saying yes to things doesn’t land me on the questionable line between right and wrong.

Moving on: I told you previously that I would ask this question…

At what point do you decide the person you are fighting with is the person worth fighting for?

So we talked about make up sex recently and other things pertaining romantic relationships, I still cannot get over some of your messages and I completely appreciate your openness to share it with me. I don’t know if I can be so comfortable being very open talking about my…ummm… “Oochie Wally” 👀 with people who are not touching my…ehem…“Oochie Wally” 🤐. But thinking beyond the physical yearning for someone, the mental yearning is just as strong, Yes?

With the stories and scenarios you guys shared with me, it made me think about what makes a functional relationship and what makes a person hold on when things are difficult? Aside from that, what makes a person worth telling people “Yeah, I'm talking to someone.”? Because there are so many opportunities to do anything with anyone these days and I just can’t get on board with it. I’m practical with how fluid people are with each other these days but, I’m traditional in wanting someone to protect what we share together. And trust me, if you're having sex with someone, the relationship is beyond what you think or say it is. So don’t downplay it or hide it, because at that point you’re just trying to challenge people's intelligence.

Relationships are a risk, aren’t they? You are making adjustments in your life to fit this person in. You are compromising, you are thinking of not just you anymore. How and when do you know it’s worth it?

Misguided: Search “Plisse Long Shirt”

I don’t know if I can properly answer the any of these questions. When I fought with my ex I fought for loyalty and respect to our home and family. In hindsight I think the only times I was fighting for Him was when we first got together. - When I genuinely wanted to be around him, hear him, touch him, smell him. We were very young and I had different goals then, my mind was not the same. As time when on, we grew to want different things, the fighting became normal and my opinions about him changed…Yes, I can admit I changed. But isn’t that what we all do eventually? Especially when we want something different.

One of you made a comment that maybe the reason I refuse to stay over a man’s house is because I’ve not met anyone I wanted to spend my nights and mornings with. That comment sat with me for a while, maybe you’re right. Someone else said that a man who really cares about you will keep updated on you and sometimes support you in silence because he waiting for the right time to be everything you need him to be. That sounds good, but I don't think men wait very long. I think if you're not interacting with them frequently, then they don't think much about you. Although, it is a nice feeling to know that someone is thinking about you.

So how do I decide if someone is worth the hassle? What is the checklist or criteria for someone to still get the best of me especially when they pull out the worst in me? No relationship is simple. My best friends and I have even had our fallouts. I’ve had fallouts with family too. I just can’t always go along with something I don't fully agree with and that’s where the conflict begins. I don’t like conflict, but I’m not afraid to be heard either and I don’t like being mistaken for soft, because when I speak out, then narrative about me changes and I’m not longer soft, instead I’m a problem, even though you’ve been benefiting from my “softness” and took it for granted. What sense does that make? It’s the same story every man spins when a woman is upset and a man doesn’t acknowledge the part he played. One of my girlfriends just had a blow up with her guy and the first thing out of his mouth was telling people she was being “crazy”. Oh, okay sir, you obviously have low emotional intelligence. It takes at least two people to create a problem and neither are 100% right.

So what is the answer here? Who is and isn't worth it? I guess it will be different for everyone; what feelings are still there, what experiences were shared, what are the challenges, can it be fixed, etc. With my friends and family, anytime there was an argument, we’d just give each other space and just casually start speaking again, “Want to meet for brunch on Saturday?”, “Do you need anything from the store?”, “How was your day?”, “How have you been?”. Every relationship we have is different, although if the same things keep occurring, you have to consider that the common denominator is You. What is it that you keep doing or not doing? And if that is the case, are You worth someone’s fight?

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I Like When He...(NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

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*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

Accepting the People

Learning to accept someone for who they are isn't always easy because we innately feel everyone should share the same views we do, hence the war between Vaccers and Anti-Vaccers.

I lost a friend to addiction recently. We weren't close but we were friends and he was always very uplifting anytime I spoke with him. I didn't accept his addiction, but I accepted he had a flaw that I couldn't begin to understand or even have the knowledge to battle against. So anytime we talked I made it a point to discuss all the good things he had going on in his life.

Another friend who I am closer to is a bit of an a--hole and he'll even say the same about himself. He is a very loud, can be overbearing, and a bit rude...he's just very lively. We've known each other since we were kids and he's been the same, so this is part of his personality. I don't speak to him often, but I know if I ever talk to him about a problem I am having he's not going to water anything down for me no matter how long we've known each other. -- To the point where he will hurt my feelings to get something through to me. I've learned to accept who he is because I realized he is someone who isn't going to bullsh-t you. And whether his views are right or wrong, he's still going to tell you what he thinks is best for you. But he has also given me grace; he hated my ex, thought I was too good for him, didn't understand why I was with him, but out of respect of me and my kids, he kept most of his thoughts to himself. He even knew things about my ex that I did not find out until things blew up; he accepted that I was not yet ready to move on to realize I deserved better no matter what he told me, but he continued to be a friend and hear me out, so he's not a complete a--hole.

We befriend people who have back stories that shaped who they are and who they can become. We can encourage people to be better but we can't make anyone do anything. It's the same with those we don't choose, like family and coworkers. We don't always get along with these people, agree with them, or even like to be around them, but we find ways to cooperate with them and accept them. We adjust ourselves to be more reasonable with them, yes?

Think about this, you are hiring someone for a position, the person meets all the criteria, has the experience, strong references, great resume, interviewed very well but, a few years ago this person committed a crime, nothing heinous, but enough to show up on the background check. Do you hold that crime against the person and move on to the next applicant? Does that crime define the person? Same question, different perspective, Do you hold someone's flaws against them when you have evidence they are more than what their faults are? There are people who are "once in lifetime people" and those people aren't perfect but what makes them stand out is the experiences you have with them that you can't duplicate with anyone else because it won't be the same.

Side Story: I interviewed an applicant similar to the one I described above who had an assault charge on his background, I asked him if he wanted to explain the matters of the crime and he revealed that he was protecting his sister from an abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend pressed charges. This could have been a made up story but, I hired him anyway. He is still one of my best employees today.

How do you define a good person? Caring, supportive, understanding, empathetic? Everyone is a good person but everyone is also not. And not to get religious but a sin is a sin, there is not one sin that is worse than the other in the eyes of the All Mighty, it is still claimed a sin. Each one of us carries characteristics that make us not so great, it's how we make others feel that defines our goodness. Going by motivational quotes don't make us good people. They tend to be self-serving and we gravitate to them when we are going through bouts of stress, confusion, or frustration. Many of the generic quotes are contradicting. For instance, there are several versions of the saying. "If it's meant to be, it will be" then there's the thought, "If you want it, go get it. Don't let anything stop you." But no matter the saying, the purpose of those quotes are designed to make us feel better.

In some cases these sayings can help us through our darkest moments, in other incidences, maybe we should stop looking to motivational quotes to justify our behaviors and just own up to what we did and handle the matter.

We are all individual people and I believe different people bring out different versions of ourselves. Our personality is who we are but our attitudes depend on who others are. Get it? Could I sit in the same room with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I have a conversation with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I still care about someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. In time I can learn to accept anyone and all their faults but in accepting them I'm also putting up boundaries and restricting the type of communication I have with a person. I don't necessarily believe in cutting people off, I feel like there is an underlining heartlessness in doing that, although I have done it to people the past, I now believe in limiting what I do and say with them. It's a discipline.

You choose what to accept and what not to accept. It is your discretion in life. With people, you have to decide not who they are, but how you are with them.

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That's Just Love

We all have our own definitions for Love and the ways we love people all depends on the type of relationship we have with them. Love is a strong emotion. We love people for different reasons; family, friends, significant others. Love is also a weird emotion, some people are very passionate about it while others are a bit lackadaisical.

The way I love my siblings is not the same as I love my father, and the way I love my kids is not the same as I love my siblings, and the way I may love a significant other is not the same as I may love my friends. We have a different obligation to each person we foster in our lives and we have to balance our emotions accordingly. We can love many people but, not treat them all the same. Think about it, everyone you care about, you have a different way of speaking to them and behaving towards them, yes?

Any why is it some people treat the ones they care about poorly? Is it because they feel that person will never walk away? — I don’t think anyone should be that sure. Or why would you treat someone who you know cares about you badly? I think sometimes people run from those who care because it challenges them to vulnerable too and people are afraid to be vulnerable…because they fear disappointment and heartbreak. Although isn’t the greatest reward the after affects of a great risk? All is fair in love and war. Even if just for a short period of time, when you love someone, in those moments you felt the best feelings; a euphoria. And what’s that saying?

"It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I noticed when women love people, we act like mothers, “How are you? How was your day? Did you eat? Are your hungry? They weather will be bad, stay dry. Be safe on the road. Call me when you get home. Are you sure that’s safe? Do you really want to do that?…etc.” I think it’s the inept nurturing quality most women have when we care dearly for someone. With men…well, you all are a bit of a mix bag of honor, dominance, gentleman, and bitch.

What I never could understand is in regards to relationships, do you ever see people who are constantly in and out of them? I always think, How can you love someone so quickly, stop loving them and then love someone new in such a short period of time? I’m sorry, but I cannot move on that fast, it took me a little over a year to get back to myself after splitting with my children’s father. I guess I don’t love or fall out of love very easily. — That may be one of my flaws, but at least I’m willing to take some risks no matter how it turns out. There is a saying that if two people split and still remain cordial, they either never loved each other or they still do…that’s a bit of a fine line. Yet, how do you have a friendship after parting ways with someone who you shared plans of a future with? — I guess that’s why people are quick love someone new; so they can forget who they loved before. (???)

As I am more identifying what I like, I think it is best to say that I love traits and characteristics of people and only just like or tolerate the rest of their qualities. And what I love about them may drown out what I don’t like about them.

Generally, what I love in all people are:

• Compassion/empathy

• Thoughtfulness

• Humor

• Humility

• Dressing well

• Great work ethics

• Organization

• Good communication skills

• Not taking offense to my smart-ass remarks

What I love in a significant other:

• Being protective

• Willingness to understand

• Not talking about our personal woes to others

• Doesn’t allow others to speak harshly about me

• Affectionate and Playful

• Being flirtatious, not matter how long we’ve know each other

• Maintaining eye contact

• Answers every part of my messages

• Knowing how to calm me down without telling me to calm down

• Not giving someone else the same attention

• Dominant but also gentle

• Checking on me whether I am in the same room, a different place, or a separate state

• Remembering the little things

• Says “Hey beautiful” when he sees me

• Head kisses

• Proud to have me and knowing I only want him

One specific thing I find really attractive is when a man is so confident in me that if we're in a public place and we arrived separately, other men are talking to me and giving me attention, but at the end of the night, he walks up to me and says, “C'mon, let's go.” and he reaches for my hand because he has no doubt I’ll leave with him. — This has only ever happened once with a past lover and I've never forgotten about it.

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Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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A Woman’s Insecurity

We're always so quick to categorize a woman as moving too fast, being too clingy, being paranoid or crazy when she falls for a man and starts to assume he is up to no good when he becomes distant or shows signs of concern. However a man and woman are involved whether serious, casual, courting or otherwise, it is a form of relationship between the two. So let's take a look at another perspective before writing off a woman as being ‘extra’.

When a woman likes a man or even loves him, she thinks the most of him. She wants to spend any available time with him, talk to him, be with him, etc. Her emotions have linked to him. She thinks the world of him and has passion for him. So why do men confuse this with being “too much”?

When you were a kid and had a favorite toy, did you not get upset when someone else wanted to play with it? And when your parents told you to share, did you really want to? No. Because you didn’t want someone else to ruin or break your precious toy, something that you loved and valued. You didn’t want that taken away from you — that feeling of happiness, safety, and relaxation of something you were fond of. We have those same feelings for people.

So when a woman feels something for a man, her thoughts may resemble... "If I think he's great then someone else will also think he's great." and then they think, “What if he rather be with that someone else? What if he rather explore possibilities with her?”

Us women get on high alert anytime we feel something is off or has changed about a man. It can be the slightest gesture, the way you speak to us, the way you touch us, the things you say, how you say them — We notice. And so many thoughts run through our minds because again, are you pulling away because your thoughts are with someone else?

• I haven’t heard from him in a few days, is he talking to someone else?

• He hasn't asked to see me, is he not interested in me anymore?

• He's been very short with me lately, does he no longer care?

• We just had an argument, is he going to find comfort with another woman?

Yes, many times we think the reason for any slight changes is because a man has started getting close with someone other than us. But men should take some accountability in this too. When a man feels that he shouldn't have to address anything a woman may be feeling, it feeds into the problem instead of making it better. Why would you let a woman you care about think that you don't care? What sense does that make?

Women like to feel special, like no other woman can be her and no other woman can take her place in a man's heart. Does it mean he can't look at another woman or interact with other women? No. It just means he doesn’t let another woman feel like she can replace the one who's already there.

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The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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You're Just Stubborn

Have you ever been in a argument and you know your stance is valid but, you are also practical enough to understand that the other person’s stance is just a valid but, you still want to keep going with your opinions?….Yeah, same.

For my astrology people (I do not follow or study astrology that much so correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong about anything), I am a Taurus, an earth sign ruled by Venus; Goddess of love and beauty, likes the finer things in life, nurturing, dependable, grounded, loyal, hardworking, dedicated. I was also born in the Oxen year of the Lunar calendar which has similar characteristics traits. I’ve been told I am the most stubborn mix of all signs…a Bull and an Ox. Well, the other most hard-headed sign is Scorpios who’s presiding planet is Mars which in mythology is the God of war (funny how we connect a Scorpion with war), so these people are considered to have bad tempers and can be secretive and resentful but, it's also said they're known for their passion and loyalty and will fight for what they feel strongly about. Scorpio is also water sign so they go hand in hand with Taurus being an Earth sign and can really thrive with each other if their visions are similar or they could deplete each other…earth drying out water or water sinking earth. So help us all if I get involved with a Scorpio, it will either be WWIII or we’re building conglomerates together.

Anyway, when I hear someone call me stubborn I rather think I’m just very headstrong on what I believe and what I want…even if I’m wrong. It may take me some time to think about that the other person is feeling but, in the moment of a dispute, I can only hear my thoughts. Men are so quick to call us crazy or unstable when we are in midst of an argument but, never want to evaluate their contributions to an issue. Why is that?

Let’s first understand the female brain. There was a book published that also became a movie called, “The Female Bain” which points out that although woman’s brains are smaller, they still have the same number of brain cells as men, just in a more compact space. This was only discovered in 1995. So of course how we compartmentalize thoughts, release endorphins, cortisol, dopamine is vastly different than men.

For instance, when under stress, women like to plan and execute order, we put things where they should be and where they make sense, we organize what we can control. - This can be considered being a neat freak, micromanaging, or having OCD when really we just want some type of order in our lives. Let’s couple this with the fact that throughout history, more “socially accepted” women did better in life which is equivalent to men being successful by being aggressive and competitive. So what that translates to is women being required to be groomed, appealing, attractive, well spoken, sociable, understanding, forgiving, nurturing, and whatever the fck else history has wanted us to be, but men just have to show up and assert dominance.

BUT, when women go against any of those “expectations” mentioned above, we are called stubborn. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Maybe it is not me being stubborn, maybe it is the man who wants me to conform to his conveniences because it is easier for him that I comply instead of him setting aside ego and pride to compromise because compromising means to fold and folding to a woman is…unmanly. — Yeah…fck that shit. I will continue to be called stubborn because I’m not going to just say “Yes” to everything a man tells me, especially since I’ve done so much without a male counterpart, so if I have a man in my life, it’s because I want him, not because I need him.

Yet, in all fairness, there is a level of maturity and reasoning needed to be able to be in disagreement with someone and not have it become a damaging toll on how you view or feel about the person. — Then again, learning someone else’s stance on a topic can persuade and determine how close you continue to be with said person.

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So, here a little funny snippet of a text between someone and I. We were going back and forth throughout the day about something really minor and unnecessary but, since we are both the way we are it became something else. Eventually, it died down because I think we both realized how ridiculous it was to be disputing about this particular topic. — Honestly, all of our other minor disputes have been the same way where we ended up being very mellowed and back to ourselves afterwards within 24 hours. Anyhow, what was really the tipping point for me was his text (in white)… I immediately laughed, but I also got upset because he was slightly right — only because I felt like he wasn’t getting my point — but I didn’t want him to know he was right so I just sat there biting my lip wanting to respond crudely and trying to evaluate what to say and not making it seem like I needed to have the last word…so I was like “Fck, let me think before I reply right away because then it’ll just prove HIS point.” It was a painful moment for me and I’ll never admit it to him. 😭😆😂

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The Wall

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

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How To Trust

Okay, so let me start by saying: Some of your comments and emails in regards to my last post were ENTERTAINING! You all are crazy and I love it‼ And people who come on here just to see what I'm doing, I love you too!

Many of you asked if I’d ever share specific details about the man I am seeing and the initial answer is, No. I will only share to a certain limit because it’s not only my privacy, it is also his (Oh, but he has said for me to write about our….never mind, I can’t even bring myself to type out the words. How do I even begin to go into details about how he snatched me the first time and how he’s had his way with me every time thereafter….and this is not about to be a Zane novel. 👀)

Other questions you asked were about TRUST:

• “How do you know you can trust him?”

• “How do you allow yourself to trust someone after not being in a relationship for so long?”

• “Don’t you have doubts?”

There is no simple answer I can give, the only thing I can say with confidence is that I know what he is showing me and I know who I am and where I am at in life. 📣 I believe trust has more to do with yourself than the other person; Where are you in life? Are you in a good mental space to welcome someone in with open arms without any disdain, judgment, criticism or ridicule? Over the years, I’ve learned much of who I truly am and I’m comfortable with her. If ________ and I did not reconnect a few months ago, I’d still be living wonderfully. I am fully aware of my value and what I will and will not tolerate. Not to be conceited, but I’m a GREAT person. I’m good to people, I like people to enjoy themselves when they are around me, I work hard, I volunteer, I do the most for my kids, I support my loved ones, and I require time to myself. I am not going to stick around if I sense I am not being appreciated and I am definitely holding him accountable for his behaviors. Here are some examples:

1. One time I met him out, but he had to quickly run an errand right before I arrived. He sent me a text to let me know he had to do something would return as soon as possible (I didn’t see the text a first) and then he called to see if I got the message to make sure I knew what was going on. — As simple as this gesture may have been, it spoke volumes to me. It let me know that he didn’t want me to think that he bailed out or have me upset that he was not there when I arrived.

2. Another time we were out together, we were sitting beside each other and having a very personal conversation as if no one else was around us (there were plenty of people around us). — He'll do this often and tell me things to remind me that he's completely interested in me and how he loves that I'm able to be engulfed with who he is...Yet, in reality, who he is isn’t too far different than who I am. When you do and say things you’re not used to, but it doesn’t feel like it’s changing your core, then it’s because that’s always been part of your personality, it’s just been waiting to be awakened.

3. At least twice he has mentioned to me that if I am ever uncomfortable about something he is doing then he wants me to let him know and he will make adjustments. He wholeheartedly wants me to realize that at the end of the day, it’s just me and him, it’s us and if I say I’m now okay with something then he’ll make changes so that I am okay. — He doesn’t have to be so open with me about this, but he is and I love that.

4. He introduces me to everyone he knows, whether they are friends, associates, or colleagues. — I admire that he acknowledges me in a way that lets me know he actively wants me to be involved in his surroundings and environment.

5. I’m not sure how to explain this one, but sometimes it seems like we’re the same person; either that or he's really paying attention to what I'm saying and paying even more attention to what I'm not saying. — He'll make a comment and it will be exactly what I wanted to hear. Or I'll make a comment and he’ll give me a look with a nod of pure admiration.

   (Sometimes I feel like he comes on here from time to time. I don't mind if he does and if he is I like that he’s low-key taking time to learn about my thoughts and it's pretty clever of him to do. He'll mention something that will be reminiscent of my opinions or humor and I just think to myself, “Is he reading or is it the fact that we kind of do think a like? I won’t ask, I sort of like having that wonder. — I believe there should always be some type of intrigue of mystery between two people, not to be confused with damaging secrecy or lies. Don’t get yourself fcked up and lose a good thing.)

So if the main questions are: Do I trust him? — Yes, I do. Am I taking a big risk? — Well…YAH! Anytime you deal with matters of the heart, you are taking a risk, and with knowing a little of his history it can possibly be a growing experience for both of us and how we manage things. Do I have adverse thoughts in the back of my mind? — Of course I do, there is always that annoying voice that says “But what if he…?” I do not allow those thoughts to consume me and he is not giving me any reason to doubt what he feels about me. No, we can never be certain what someone is thinking, what they are doing when they are not around us, and if what they are telling us is the truth, but what we can be certain of is what we are willing to experience with someone. I'm not just here for the highs, I'm here for the lows too, that’s what we sign up for when we decide on relationships and like I said in my last post: I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen. So I am open to embarking on this direction with him.

Through people I know, I’ve watched relationships bloom and I've watched many fail. The ones that have been successful are the ones where both people are open to understanding one another, understanding each other’s passions, dreams, values, goals, strengths, dislikes, flaws, pet peeves, and being able to discuss any adversities without holding grudges. ________ and I are still in the beginning stages. We may not be new to each other, but we are learning new things about one another on a different level…it has been interesting.

I will admit a behavior I know I need to work on and that is pushing people away when I'm upset and not talking about what bothers me. I tend to internalize things. Sometimes when I get frustrated, there is a very aggressive side of me that I am not proud of and I resort to using demoralizing phrases with a condescending tone. I don't want to push him away, so I have to make sure I catch myself to keep from causing any unnecessary strain between us, especially since this is the first time in a very long time that I'm allowing someone to get this close to me. I’m sure he has his voids too and I’m sure we'll have our not so great moments, but if we want this, we'll work through any challenges that may face us.

I'll close out with this:

Love isn't just a four letter word that makes you feel warm, excited, happy, and wanted. Love is an action, a choice to act. Whether you are casually dating or in a committed union, it's what your partner does or doesn't do that affects your sentiments towards them.

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*But don't stop giving me L&A. I still love it even if I'm skeptical at times.

*Forgot to add Forehead Kisses and Playing in My Hair.

*Texting him, emailing him, calling him, it’s all the same…lol. I’m sorry kids, Auntie Ray is not your role model!

*Let's skip the children part. I’m not having anymore babies and my kids are not too far from being adults. Plus, I hated that feeling/pain when the milk came in, so many shirts have been ruined! I know all moms understand what I'm talking about. 😫

You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫

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When Is It Actually Considered Dating?

Okay, so before you move in with your partner (reference here), Ladies and Gentleman, help me out here…

At what point when you are hanging out with someone do you identify it as “dating”?

So I am very much a “guys girl” meaning I can hang with the fellas and fit right in, but there is a difference in aura and body language when you are just enjoying time with a friend verses spending valuable time with a lover. (If you are new here, I use the term “Lover” a lot to describe a romantic interest. — I’m too old for boyfriends, you either want something serious with me or you don’t, let’s be on the same page about this, because we’ve got other things we could be doing.) When I’m out with friends, we may engage in conversation and I may buy us a few round of drinks, but it’s innocent and casual. With a Lover, there is more physical contact and closeness not just on his end, but also on my end. — If you don’t see me reciprocate his touch or return the affection, it’s because I’m not that into him, I’m not interested, we’re not together, or…drum rolls please…he is NOT my Lover; be observant.

Back to my question: When is the status of a relationship determined? Am I too old school in expecting the man to ask me…or tell me…”I want you to be my lady.” (and are you all too young to know the song, You’re my Lady by D’Angelo?)

Location: Houston Graffiti Building // Dress: JLuxLabel

If I’m going places with a Lover and we are just doing the basic things like getting food, asking about each other’s day, or making time to see one another…are we dating? Or are we just hanging out and that I shouldn’t think anything more of it because he could just be “hanging out” with several other women. Lissen…I have several guy friends who entertain multiple women, I don’t judge and I’m all for going with the flow, but I also like to know that my presence and time is significant to someone. I don’t know…this dating shit is for the birds. I hate it, that’s why I’ve been avoiding it for so long and I feel like at my age, the dating pool definitely has pee in it with all the men either too set in their ways, not wanting to commit, or just have no clue what they want (I’m at an age where these matters are more pronounced). Aye, I’m pretty reasonable, practical, and I know I have my flaws, but I also don’t want to be toyed with. I don’t have the fckn energy to deal with the bullshit. You’re either riding with me or you’re not and if we hit a pothole, let’s check for damages and continue on. — “Oh you and her used to smash? Are there still romantic feelings involved? No? Okay, let’s get something to eat.” It’s the same mood if a woman were to approach me and say, “I used to fck with him.” — Okay…what do you want me to do with that information, get mad? There’s over 7 billion people in this world, S-E-V-E-N / B-I-L-L-I-O-N, and I don’t keep myself stuck in a small box, so I’m going to stop knowing my value because of 1 person??? Been there, done that.

Look, I cannot and will not control what a man does. It is on him with what he chooses to do when I am not around. I believe this: If he wants me in his life then he will not make decisions or put himself in a position to lose me.

Also a few things to consider when you are getting to know a person:

• Do you have the same values? If not, can you be open to their point of views?

• Do you have good intentions for one another?

• Is your connection with each other genuine and natural (not forced)?

• Are you or the other person healed from the past? If not, can either of you deal with the other’s pain?

• Are you inspired or encouraged to be better by the person?

What is the difference between “I like you” and “I love you”?

When you like a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily. One who understands this, understands life.

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Do You Move Into Your Partner’s Place After Other Ex’s?

Call me crazy or too demanding, but I don’t like the residue of past relationships. I know many of you will not agree with me and that’s okay, but hear me out…

If I am dating a man and he had a previous woman living with him, then I am not going to be so eager to move into that same space. If it’s a rental, lets wait until the lease is up and get something together. If it’s a mortgage, let’s put that place up for lease and look at getting a home of our own. I am aware this may be asking too much and not everyone is able, but I want to start fresh with someone…and burning sage may not be enough. — If I kept my place back north, I would not feel comfortable inviting a man to stay with me when my ex previously called the same place home…there’s just too much residue. I want clean energy with someone.

You have memories with a person in a place you share together. And not all memories are bad memories so I’m not asking to forget everything, but when I leave people in the past, that’s usually where they stay…you’d have to do something amazing for me to reconsider — and I’m not easily impressed. (But I also believe…and learned…what’s done should remain done.)

Don’t you want to start fresh with a new beau?

Maybe I’m thinking too much into it…which I tend to do often. Maybe the one I end up with will welcome me into his home and make me feel like I’m the only one who was ever worth staying in it and let me paint and add shelves and fixtures, maybe some new appliances, there's a Samsung refrigerator I’ve been eyeing — Goodness, I hope that’s the case….but if not, he's coming over here with a weekend bag until we decide what the next step is. (P.S. — Don't expect to get a lot of closet room at my place, which is why we should think of getting a different home together so we a customize the His & Hers closet space….just a thought — go ahead and change my mind.)

Or we can continue to live separately and be a little unorthodox with our relationship, but still welcoming each other into our spaces anytime, like having a key to each home and still allowing each other to be comfortable and stay as long as we please. There is this “Keurig” style cocktail maker I want to order by Bartesian and we’ll just have to do rock, paper, scissors to see which house it’s going to sit at, and I’d still want to make a trip to Home Depot and add a few features. I'm not closed off to the living separately idea, but we’d really need to have a good understanding of our relationship and one another. — I do come a go a lot, it’d be nice to have someone I trust make sure my place is secure and address any issues while I'm away.

Are my standards too high? Am I being unrealistic about this? I know I think differently than some of you, but let me know if I sound crazy. Lord, please let whoever “The One” is have so much patience for me. I promise I’m worth it. 😔

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*Sorry about the vulgarness of this one. I don’t create any of these memes, I just laugh at them.

The Prenup

What do you feel about prenuptial agreements? Do you feel someone loves you less or does not have faith in your relationship if a prenup is presented?

Here is my take on it:

I agree with prenuptial agreements. I do not feel it deals with matters of the heart, but more of matters of security. If you have built something on your own, you did the research, you put in the hours, you threw up the capital for it, then how would you feel if you’ve gotten into a married that is ending and the judge says you owe HALF of what you earned to someone else?

• I am not referring to something you created or developed while you were married, I am talking about something YOU planned and executed before getting married.

Prenuptial agreements can be a simple as writing out what is shared or protected during a divorce. The documents can be very detailed in explaining specific ‘Do’s & Don’ts’: infidelities, children, new businesses, already established businesses, obtained properties, stipends, living costs, etc. It may sound like a business proposition because a marriage IS a type of business, it’s a PARTNERSHIP. — There was a time when girls were only bred for marriage in exchange for some type of payment to her family, such as farm land.

• I’ve seen agreements be as specific as outlining if a wife delivers a son during the marriage, she will get an added 20K a year until the son turns 18 if they get a divorce before then. Another one stated that if the husbands commits infidelity, the wife can earn additional monies if they get divorced. (I would definitely want an infidelity clause included to address any children born outside of my marriage or transmitted diseases. — Bitch, you get nothing from me if you have babies elsewhere or give me a disease and if you are a well to do man, then in YOUR prenup, there should be an appendix that details some sort of accommodation for my pain and embarrassment.)

I do not believe it has anything to do with how much you love a person. I fully believe is has more to do with protecting your assets and both people have a say on what goes into the agreement. You can request an amendment to better benefit you if there is something you feel is unfair, of course all this will have to go through lawyers, but if you want something done, do it right and be thorough especially with things like this. Prenuptial agreements are best discussed with two people are “Happily in Love” because the details may be more generous as opposed to being in divorce court and you hating the way your ex-partner breathes.

My whole outlook on it is, If you weren’t shooting with me at the gym, why am I going to hand over the reward from all the training and hard work I put in just because we don’t want to be with each other anymore? — I’m not saying what’s mine is ONLY mine, I’ll share will you, but I am drawing a line with what you get from me if we decide to go our separate ways.

And think about this: If you are choosing to be with someone whom has not already created their own stability, then that person is going to look to you to provide that for them.

But one thing I know for sure, if I get married again it will be my last. Even if I’m fed up with him I'll still fix his plate, “You want potatoes or not, jackass?!”

PLUS, My Daddy says:

If he can’t take care of you as good as you take care of yourself, don’t waste your time and don’t start matching your first name with his last name.

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Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

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The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

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Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

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Whether You Chose to Address It or Not, It Still Exists

[DISCLAIMER: I understand why companies or groups may want to stay quiet during controversial times. I understand that they may not want to backlash of revealing their thoughts on a topic. I understand they may not want to cause controversies for themselves. There are ways to relay your support and empathy without making a public announcement, it’s okay to want to be careful. -- You've heard the saying, "Silence speaks volumes" or "Silence can be deadly"...yeah, sometimes silence can be damaging to relationships you don't realize are important to keep. Let that sit.]

Sometimes life has its disappointments...food, sports, places, outfits...people. It's one of those guarantees that we plan to avoid, but destiny does not send us heralds and we are met with necessary lessons. The best thing we can is to discuss and share in hopes the experience will birth new enlightenment. — Mind you, this practice is relevant to any topic in life not just about the explosion the world is currently facing. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and my mind is dwindling, I tend to block things I need to address, but my nightly dreams never fail me and like to play "Captain Save-A-Hoe" by dropping off messages for interpretation to remind me I need to put my big girl shoes on and the address issues in my life. What a joy those dreams are. (-__-)

A friend shared THIS ARTICLE with me after I told her I had to have a candid conversation with my high school aged daughter about the racial divides. I also know that I will need to have the same conversation with my son. With having 4 godsons and 1 goddaughter from different families, all black, ages 9 months to 18 years old, I know they had or will be getting the talk from their parents. The article is a first hand narrative of a black man and his experiences of racial inflections even though he comes from a two parent home, prestigious neighborhood and with a high praised education. The article is lengthy, but it is insightful of the author's first hand accounts of racial profiling, embedded systematic bias, and titles. What I really appreciated is that even though the author’s upbringing was whitewashed, he still knew and understood he was different from his friends, they could not fully relate to him and he could not fully relate to them.

Within my children's environment, they are that "token friend" where most of their peers will not be able to relate to my daughter's and my son's experiences because their acceptance in society requires a little more practice and effort...it's a reality not every family has. Although, the main concern with my children is that because they can be oblivious racial issues they may say or doing something that can cause them to face the harsh realities of prejudice and I’m not around to help them process it.

In some of my own circles because my skin tone is darker than what most Americans "expects" Asians to be, I'm usually asked what race I am or mixed with. For those who may be wondering, I am not Black. There have been suggestions that my ancestry is linked to descendants of the Moor People which have African bloodlines, but that's not confirmed and I only know of my Asian history. Although, the two reflections of me do check off the box that reads African American/Black and are Citizens of the U.S. And let me tell you, both of my young ones excel in their academics, are respectful, and have their mother's off keel sense of humor, but that means nothing to people who do not see their human value.

When I would take my kids to birthday parties, my little beautiful brown babies would stick out like sore thumbs and I'd watch how other kids and parents act around them. The kids were fine, it was some of the parents who looked a little too hard for my comfort and were met with a gaze from me. I'm a parent who's of the Knuck of You Buck generation.

Even with my kids having an Asian mother and me not facing the same scrutiny as darker toned friends, it doesn't void negative stereotypes and unbeknownst to some people, my little family does fit into several unflattering statistical categories. I play it down to avoid questioning and sharing too much of our personal lives.

There is an issue, whether we chose to identify it or not.

“Civilization is not, by any means, an easy thing to attain to. There are only two ways by which men can reach it. One is by being cultured, the other by being corrupt.”

- Oscar Wilde

I am interested to see how this year is written in the history books...Australia burning, almost faced WWIII, Kobe Bryant tragically passed, Covid-19 came and is changing the blueprint of business functions, then a senseless death of a man sparked outraged of "Enough is Enough"...and we are only half way through the year. WTF. — Can I return 2020? I think it got damaged during delivery. Although, this may be the defining year that gets us out of our comfort zones.

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”

- Oscar Wilde

It's not ONLY a matter of police brutality, is it an irrational fear other of the Black Community and making decisions from that fear. For some resources to help aide against injustice and racism: CLICK HERE

HERE is a conversation between two influential women, Candace Reese Walters and Carli K. Mathews of Empowering Woman Locally based in *Tuscaloosa, AL. (my review of the city HERE), about having conversations regarding race.

Let me be clear, no one is telling you how to raise your children, but it is a fundamental sin to teach them to second guess someone based on their ethnic backgrounds. These racial crimes stem from people who were once children that were subconsciously or directly fed information to develop negative views against certain demographics.

Have you ever seen that movie, American History X with Edward Norton? It's not a movie for children, but there is a scene where you see how a parent influences a child's views.

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If you are still reading, do you want to know what happens when you die? Every action, every thought, every laugh, every change that could have came from you stops. People go on either remembering you loved them or not knowing how much you truly cared for them and what continues is those lives you've influenced.

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.” - Ray Bradbury

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Comfort Food Meal: Smothered Chicken over Mashed Red Potatoes

Seasoning for Chicken: Cayenne Pepper, Ground Mustard, Minced Garlic, Garlic Salt, Dried Oregano, Lemon Pepper, Worcestershire Sauce 🧂

I started the base of the pan with chicken stock, collard greens, and mushrooms. Added garlic salt, Brown Sugar, Tabasco sauce, vinegar, and ground pepper. Simmered for 30 mins. 🥬

Then I added the seasoned chicken. On top, I added fresh basil and rosemary, plus asparagus. After 30 minutes, I added 1/2 a can of coconut milk. 🥥

Allow to cook on medium for 45 more minutes ⌚

Red Potatoes: Boiled until soft. Then mashed with butter and added garlic powder and dried oregano. 🥔