"Power Couples"

UPDATED: 03/07/2020

(Happy Valentine's Day. I feel like this day gets more pink and red each year. That's okay though, it's for us ladies anyway.) To those of you who are single, continue reading to the bottom for a message.

In my photographer life, I've captured a good amount of couples. Those madly in love, those newly engaged, those expecting, etc. But the couples who intrigue me the most are the ones building conglomerations together and seem to be...perfect. You know the types of people I'm talking about; the man who has the strongest presence in a room even if he's being silent and the woman who seems intimidating to approach even if she's being personable. They are not just the beautiful people, they are individually interesting, confident, charismatic, and powerful in their own right. Entertainment Society has termed these people who come together as "Power Couples".

Their definition is not referring to two people working and coming home to the usual "How was your day, honey?" types of conversations. It's referring to couples who are in the public eye, whether locally in their communities or nationally on a wider plain who inspire, encourage, and support one another in their personal and professional journeys. The couples who show up for each other. The couples who show their pride in their partners. The couples who push each other to achieve full potential. The couples who have loaded agendas....this sounds like any healthy couple, right? The Power Couples are usually people who have a strong sense of business fundamentals and have a vision to keep moving up the ladder whether it's in a corporation or within their own endeavors. They have a cohesive vision to plan, invest, and excel...together.

Outside from being a Power Couple, legitimate relationships aren't hidden from people. Private, Yes. Hidden, No. A couple may not share the details of their union, but they shouldn't shy away from letting people know they are together. If you are seriously involved with someone and being treated like a stranger or less than a partner when you two are around others, then you're not in a relationship, you're in what the younger generation calls, a "situationship" and that's a completely different dynamic.

I am a firm believer that a good friendship is the foundation to a great romance. You wouldn't hide your friendship, would you? If a friendship is one sided, unbalanced, and conditional, then don't expect it to be anything better if it becomes something more. For any relationship to thrive there needs to be a healthy level of love, respect, and admiration for each other. And the best way to do this is to SHOW it in your actions. We prove by doing, not by saying.

The forehead kiss is one of the most loving forms of affection for any type of relationship. (I've discussed this in extreme detail on my personal site a few years ago.) My young son has even started doing this sweet gesture with me. I may be exaggerating, but the forehead (or top of the head) kiss is a sign of admiration, love, and protection. To be clear, I'm not in any form of romantic affair and not entertaining the idea of anything close to one, (Yes World, there are women who keep themselves to themselves for reasons that are unique to them, respect it), so anytime I receive a forehead kiss it's from good friends, and it makes me feel that these people appreciate having me in their lives and if something is ever wrong with me, they would want to know or try to help me through it in some way. Sweet, right?

Here's a little something personal about yours truly: I'm not always vocal about where I am until after I've been there. More often than not, I take last minute trips for myself, by myself. Some people have jokingly referred me to "Carmen Sandiego" as a result of my disappearing acts, but I always maintain contact in some shape or form. Not too long ago there was a matter where I was almost completely inaccessible...(*sometimes when you are great at doing something, it causes others to feel threatened because they weren't given the opportunities you were. Hard work doesn't go unrecognized...or unpunished.) Only a handful of people were made aware of my location and was able to reach me through other channels. Many of my friends who could not reach me became concerned and two of them moved around their busy schedules to seek me out. They knew exactly how and where to find me, which was impressive since I wasn't in any of my common places. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly before and given so many forehead kisses. They stayed a few days and reminded me each day how important it is to always have a way to stay touch with ALL of my loved ones no matter what was going on.

I say all this to point out that loving someone begins before being in love. Being present for someone and supporting them is another way to show someone you love them. Even though the two friends who showed up for me were platonic friends, I want elements of their affections for me to paralleled with how my partner should care for me. And unfortunately, people can fall out of love, but at least you know what you liked when you were loved. To be this so-called Power Couple, or any type of couple, loving your partner is just as important (if not more important) as being in love with your partner; you two should at least like each other, right?...because if both of you are very busy, confident, driven, and ambitious, losing sight of each other can have an adverse effect on many of your goals. And depending on how you communicate, there may be times of a power struggle. Practice listening and compromising. Ultimatums are not always the best solution. You wouldn't go into a business meeting with equal partners and have only one thought process or strategy, would you? If not, then give your relationship the same attention. You can be powerful alone or you can be powerful together.

In a related post, I discuss dating age gaps. Interestingly enough, the age of you and your partner coupled with your phases in life can have an impact on how your relationship succeeds or suffers. Read more HERE. I also discuss the concerns of dating in the workplace HERE.

*For the Singles: Own being single. You are not alone, you are with yourself, change the narrative of how you acknowledge being single. Be confident and comfortable with your time and space. I've notice in the last year that my standards have only been going up and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't care what critics may say, I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't match my energy and I don't care who makes more money, as long as we keep making efforts for each other. I've been building upon business in other cities/states (image shown). I am extremely focused on how I want my life to be. Even with my personal assistant "S" moving to another country to begin her career, with her help, I have been able to better organize my time and delegate my tasks, yet I'm still very busy. I'm in a "No One Is Allowed To Touch Me" phase and I take pride in being there. I know I'm too amazing of a person to not at least get 80% from someone (80/20 Rule theory) or even 70/30. In a previous post, I talk about investing in people and deciphering between good and bad investments, here's a tip: investing in someone else's marriage is a not great investment see HERE, there's about 5% of happy endings in those scenarios.To invest in others is to also invest in yourself. Take yourself out and vibe with new people. Many strangers who I've met have either became associates, friends, or just good conversations I remembered from those interactions. Sometimes we put too much expectation on making an encounter more than what it really is or needs to be. Let it flow.

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Speaking of being supportive and showing it, on Super Tuesday, the Nation saw how Jill Biden is 100% for her husband. *This is NOT a political message nor does it represent my political views.*

Jill Biden blocked protesters who interrupted her husband's speech to supporters.

Why I frickin LOVE this image:

1. Jill didn't step aside, she stepped up! She was not having it and from the look on her face she probably would have went further if others didn't come in to remove the woman from the stage. (There were 2 protesters).

2. I smirk at Joe's almost nonchalant demeanor because he probably knows his wife is not one to mess with.

3. Jill's face said, "Not today, little girl. This is MY HUSBAND'S time."

4. Jill's face also said, "Catch me outside."

Your loved ones, whether it's your partner, your family members, or your friends should be just as supportive and protective of you as Jill is with her husband. We all need a Jill in our lives. Be like Jill.

She's a Jersey Girl raised in Willow Grove, PA. 😊

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She's Too Young For You, Bro.

Question 1: What is an appropriate age to begin dating?

Question 2: What is an appropriate age gap between two people whom are dating?

I had this conversation with a friend once and we discussed the difference between a 20 year old man and 20 year old woman verses a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman.

The late R&B artist, Aaliyah, had a song called "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" but not long after that song was released, we find out she allegedly had an inappropriate romance with an older man when she was just 14 years old.

Celebrities, people in entertainment, and people who make vast amounts of money sometimes break the lines of what is appropriate. I don't have to list their names, I'm sure you can think of a few. I'm no celebrity and 90% of my friends aren't celebrities, but the 10% who are well known definitely do not get seriously involved with those too young. So to us, what's abnormal IS indeed abnormal.

The age gap between two people isn't necessarily the bigger issue, it's the age of the people themselves and the place card they're at in life. At 25, what is your focus? Would it be the same as someone who is 40? That's a 15 year gap. Although, at 35, you may be on the same playing field as someone who is 50. And here’s a thought, at any age you could be working retail management with a 50k salary, good benefits, taking one nice vacation a year, and that would be enough for you. So you could be 45 and your partner 30, doing the same thing.

There are people who comment that a man who is dating someone much more younger is not fully connected with himself, matured, or disciplined enough so he wants to be with someone who keeps him feeling or looking young…while his friends and family observe and discuss their thoughts in private. I presume it may be the same for when a woman dates a much younger man….but, I’ve not reached those years yet where that could be a reality in my circle.

There is no set age of when someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but with each new age we reach, we do become different people in the sense that we make decisions each year that shape us and we can either be better equipped to be in a relationship or need more time to ourselves. I'm not in my twenties and with technology changing the way we live, social media having more influence, and resources evolving, many young twenty year olds cannot relate to what I experienced while I was in my twenties or even my teenage years for that matter.

My friends and I joke about the music we used to listen to, the mixtapes we used to make with radio songs, having a phone with the long spiral cord, holding hands with your crush at the skating rink, and getting excited when pagers were a hot thing. I don't see myself being serious with someone who I cannot have similar conversations with, but that's only part of it. There also needs to be similar professional and personal missions.  If all you can discuss with me is the grass being green, I will grow tired of you fairly quickly. My mind cannot work with dense conversations.

I should not void out that a woman of a certain age and accomplishments is not the same as a man of a certain age and accomplishments.  I don't ever see myself providing a life for someone who is fully capable of proving their own desired lifestyle. But, a man may be okay with that and may not have any hesitation with dating younger; it's the dating someone too young that may raise some questions.

Hey, if you're happy, what does anyone else think? Enjoy your relationship. Be proud of it. If you feel like it's wrong, then you may need to ask yourself some questions and search for your own answers.

Adieu 2019

Dress: JluxLabel | Tote: The Little Market

What did 2019 teach you?

Did you begin a new job, career, relationship, family…or did anything end for you this year?

Before we start, take a look HERE to review what current events happened this year. Remember anything? How did any of it effect you?

Personally, there were two and a half months that were my gut wrenching with still some residue today. I made some choices against my heart and allowed my head to take the lead…let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Would I have been okay with choosing the latter?…Yes, of course, I would have made sure of it. But, those few assholes of months were mentally and emotionally challenging and since I am not one to point all blame towards others, it was some of my subconscious decisions that put me there…even if others are not aware of their choices, I’ve still got to take ownership for mine; self awareness.

Although, those months also opened different opportunities for me which are coasting into the new year…I see myself hosting many dinner parties. So yeah, 2019 and I had some battles but, not without a few blessings in between, and I’m still pulling my weight through.

To be fair, I am in good health, I didn’t lose any good friends, my career has not had any hiccups, my cars have all good tires, and my bank card never declined, so okay, this year wasn’t terrible. I suppose maybe nothing AMAZING happened to where I can write off this year as one to speak highly of. Don’t get me wrong, I had good moments but, the not so good moments won the gold medals.

Top: Forever21 | Skirt: Shein | Bag: MCM

When I speak with others, 2019 was not a best year for them either. To those of you who had a spectacular 12 months, drink a glass of sour milk! Just kidding, congratulations, you did everything right, sprinkle some pixie dust on me so I can fly through 2020. But for the rest of us, why did 2019 treat us like this? Did the planets not align correctly with the stars? Did I pick up the wrong crystals? Because I didn’t burn sage throughout my house? Because I missed moisturizing my face with rosehip oil each night? I curse too much? What is it?

Some people I know took some major loses this year, personally and financially and others didn’t go through any change at all; like my one friend who keeps going in circles with his relationship knowing his ladylove won’t change but, hoping one day she may. He just keeps trying and holding on even though they break up every 2-3 months…I don’t know why some of you men are so intelligent but yet, so fckn stupid at times. And my friend is a very successful, highly attractive, well-spoken, no baggage, dresses nicely, good teeth, and comes from a good family. Yet, I’ve seen him go through at least 2 failed relationships over the years while working on this third one (the first one, he messed up and admits to it but, his pride won’t let him go back. The second one, she was too young; in her twenties and still focusing on her studies. My dear friend is in his late thirties, not a large gap in age but mentally, they are at different stages in life. Although, I do like the second girlfriend the best and there is a good chance she may come back around after she’s lived a little more, but he has to be rid of his current situation first.) I just want to pluck that man’s forehead sometimes.…and WOMEN are supposed to be the confused ones??? I have another friend who counts the time that has passed since she last spoken with her…whatever he was. Listen folks, if you come to me with your relationship concerns, I’m first holding You accountable for your behaviors before I consider assessing your partner’s behaviors. Don’t waste your coins calling me if you don’t want to discuss your bad habits.

…I’m not perfect and when people ask me why I’m single, I’m going to start responding with this: “Coaches don’t play, now do they?”

It’s almost like 2019 was a dud for some of us. It was present just to be present which forced us to do or not do, ya know what I mean? Yet, we cannot have made this trip around the calendar without taking something from it, right?

Hmmm….

Let’s mention the basics, we cannot dictate what happens to us or around us but, we can control how we react to what occurs and what we do not change, we are accepting. Do you know why great comedians are great? They learned to laugh at their pain. They learned to take what tried to break them down and turn it into humor to help offset the disappointment. Some claim it to be a form of therapy. I’m not a comedian, but I do try to make light of dark matters. I…we, have to, otherwise we continue to be burdened and tormented by the heartache. Who wants to keep doing that? I hate feeling sad and I hate for others to see me in that state as well, I rather laugh at my own expense than not to laugh at all.

Honestly, 2019 taught me what I already knew and known, I just needed a hard reminder and a choke hold of reality.

Okay, so what if you didn’t face any turmoil this year and you also didn’t have a great year, what happened? Did you just…exist? If so, is that what you are planning to do in 2020? We are starting a whole new decade. How do you want the next 10 years to be? What can you do differently? Short term goals vs. Long terms goals, yup they are still a thing. I write mine down and make adjustments when necessary. Don’t change the goal, change the path that takes you there.

Look at your life/future in three different categories: Money, Love, and Career/Business. Are you making enough to live the life you want? Be realistic. Is your relationship fulfilling and going in a direction you feel is conducive? Or if your are single, does being in a relationship even make sense for you right now? And are you happy professionally? We have to take a hard look at ourselves and reflect. Don’t expect others to make the changes you want to see happen.

One major thing I did differently this year, I created a finance/expense/net-worth spreadsheet….Ouu chile, lemme tell you! The biggest trips I took this year was to Neiman Marcus, Saks 5th Ave, and Happy Hours. When I saw the number of what I spent this year, I was ashamed! My broker told me at the least, I need to stop buying out VIP Sections…Ummmm, sure okay. Look, as hard as I work, I play even harder, so keep up…but I agree, I do have to clam down a bit. (Friends and Colleagues, if you love me, don’t leave me unattended with my card or cash. Thank you in advance. )

Even if you have a financial adviser, it is still a good idea for YOU to review your finances often. I created my spreadsheet from scratch with knowing how to create certain tables, charts, and formulas. If you are not familiar with excel, here is a Net Worth Calculator tool that will give you an idea of your financial stability. Another tool I use frequently is a Money Management App that I have downloaded on my phone. It’s called “Expense Manager” by Bishinews (image shown above). You can set up the app where reoccurring expenses and income is automatically recorded, or you can do it manually each time you spend or make money. The app takes the data and creates charts and spreadsheets separating your expenses by category (if you set it up that way). This tool is wonderful at showing me what I am spending each day, week, and month. Lastly, Credit Karma is very helpful. I’ve been using CK for years. It gives you updates on your credit score and will notify you with changes in your credit report. I also have a credit monitoring through my bank, Hey, money may not always make you happy, but it certainly buys things that can.

Dress: JLuxLabel

P.S. - Drink plenty of water and Louis Vuitton is now open in Market Street in The Woodlands, TX.

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Sharing Finances

I have a personal rule: “Don’t talk finances in casual conversations.” This means that I do not discuss what is in my bank, how much I make, or the fine details of my investments. The only time I feel it proper to have this type of dialogue is with a broker, a business partner, and/or a spouse. I have learned that when people start to know how much you have or how much you spend, they begin to categorize you by that dollar amount. I recently caught up with a childhood friend and we were discussing our fields of work. He proceeded to ask me what my income amount was and my response to him was, “I do well.” I know my friend had no ill intentions with asking me that question and although he shared details of his wife’s and his own income, for me Finances are Personal; I make it one of the very private sectors of my life. If I am ever struggling with money, I am going to confide in someone I trust and who I know can help me, like an accountant who can analyze my expenses, tell me where I need to stop spending and how much I need to save. And if I purchase something that is deemed “expensive” it’s because I made certain choices that allowed me to treat myself or my family.

We do live in a flashy society and people tend to value you by the things you have and further think about what you can do for them. I will admit, I am guilty of this; when I hear of someone talking about investments or wanting to build a business, I become intrigued and think about how this person and I can benefit one another. (Okay, maybe this isn’t so bad if I’m considering the advantages for both sides. I like business and I like profit sharing.) Unfortunately, there are people who only look for their own benefits….which is the main reason why I don’t like to talk about money with just anyone. Right now, no one but the government knows how much I rake in each year, not even my dear father.

Although, if I find myself in a relationship, I have to think about how my finances may affect his, how his may affect mine, and how both of ours can work or not work. You do not want to be involved in someone else’s frivolous debt or bad decision making with money because then you end up paying for it all if you plan to keep the relationship…but if you do not mind doing that, by all means go right ahead, who am I to tell you what to do with your money?

I wouldn’t say to talk about our credit reports on the first date but, at least after 6 months to a year we still cannot be so wrapped up in the beauty of romance that we forget about the overall “bill”. Once we identify that we want to grow together, we’ve got to talk about our financial stability. Is only one of us paying? Are we splitting anything? Are we co-signing? Is what’s yours, yours and what’s mine, mine? What types of debt do you have, if any? Credit cards? Student loans? What’s our FICO scores? If we cannot talk about money, then we cannot have a real future together, so let me Venmo, Cash App, or PayPal you my half of this love affair and I’ll go my own way. Let’s not linger because we got comfortable.

Not only are finances personal, but it can also be a sensitive topic. If your partner squirms anytime you mention dollars, that might be a sign of concern. Address the issues before they become bigger problems. Fellas it’s one thing if you want to gift your sweetheart with a nice surprise but, if she is asking you to buy her a pricey handbag, do you think about if she can afford it on her own? Does that matter to you? Or does it make you feel chivalrous to present your lady with flowers? (But we ain’t talking about flowers here.) Yet again, who am I to tell you what to do with your money? *Stay-at-home moms and wives, you are excluded from this topic, continue to love your husbands.

[According to a recent survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).] Here is another article that talks about the top reasons for divorce and yes, Money makes one of the major reasons. Personally, I do not like conflict, it causes anxiety, but I will speak my piece when necessary. I like to think I am reasonable; I am an advocate of making your best attempts to be good to people even if they may not be so good to you, but that's all perception. If I do have conflicts, it is usually due to a misunderstanding of some sort and we all know that misunderstandings come from lack of communication. It all connects, folks.  Don't just assume I "understand" if we have never discussed all the details. Sometimes what is unsaid can become misleading.

Read through some other articles that give insight and tips on when to talk about money when dating. You don't want to talk about it too early but, don't ever avoid having the money talk.

1. When should you talk about finances in a relationship?

2. 4 Ways To Talk About Money When You're Dating

3. We Should Be Talking About Money With Our Partners — Here’s Where To Start

4. When to talk about money in a relationship

5. 5 Important Money Talks Every Couple Should Have

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Working as a Single Parent to Make it all WORK...

Before I begin, let me clarify a few things. Although I am classified as a 'Single Mother', I get a lot of support from my Father. I never had/have to worry about the basics: where my children and I would sleep, what we would eat, and how I could maintain a career. (My Daddy Dearest is the best.) When I travel, my Father fully attends to his grandchildren, heck even when I'm home my kids sometimes rather be around their PopPop. Thanks kids, Mommy really feels great about that. Although, I still face other struggles of being the one parent they call on. Their teachers still refer me to by my previous last name and I supposed in their defense, my maiden name is a bit more difficult (Laephuang = Lay-pwong). I don't even flinch anymore when I hear it because I've made peace with my past and calling me by my previous name doesn't make the top 10 of my list of issues being a single parent.

When it comes to business it can be tricky with how much information you give about your home life. In time you will learn about you work with but, there will still be some boundaries that we dare not cross, I'm not one who overshares. With networking, identifying myself as a mother is something I shy away from because it's usually followed with a round of questioning..."You have kids?" "How many?" "You were married?" "Where is the father?" "Is he involved?". I feel that there is still this unspoken notion of thinking women are "incapable in business" because they have children, the irony. There are a few business colleagues who have no idea I have children. Although, I don't mind and I understand people are naturally curious, but sometimes I like to keep my personal life private which is why some people have misconceptions of me.

In 2015 a report released by the US Census Bureau claims that there are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States, and despite assumptions that women want to raise children on their own, studies say that majority of single parent homes began with committed relationships and never anticipated to be single parents. Some of us are left with raising children alone without much say and some of us rather raise children by ourselves than go through the frustration of arranging meetings and agreements with the other side...some of you men are just....ugh. Interestingly, there has been a rise of single fathers over the years. A colleague of mine has full custody of his son and the mother is barely in the picture and to my understanding, she doesn't want to be. It's almost taboo to hear of that but, Yeah, there are some women who ain't worth a nickle either. For many of us, it's not our first choice to be a single parent. Why would we want to choose to raise a whole human alone with little to no support from the other parent and on one income? Those of us who go against the odds and prevail are really ones to honor. In 2018, there were about 16.4 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.25 million children living with a single father. These number seem to just be increasing. Yup, we are all statistics.

Because my Single Mother Status is a bit pampered does not mean I do not face certain obstacles as other Single Parents out there. I still have to be fully involved in their academics, open house, parent-teacher conferences, after school activities, tie shoes, taking off the training wheels, driving, knowing who their friends are, making sure they have hearty meals, doctor's appointments, health insurance, birthday celebrations, hand out chores, give allowance, plan vacations, getting them involved in things outside of school, the list goes on. There is no one standing on the front line with me ready to take a run at these responsibilities. Not to mention, I've not yet reach the phase of puberty with my son, and the stories I've heard...Lord, help me. The term "stankass" that I use towards my son I feel like I am going to continue to use it until he's out of my house. And of course when they get sick at school or if there is some other problem, I am the one who is expected to come to the rescue.

Hell yeah, It would be appreciated for someone to take on these battles with me, but that is not my focus at the moment and I've conditioned my life to cater to what I created. I keep my Father away from most of my parental responsibilities because he's already raised his kids and I now have to raise mine own. There are moments where I have to tell him to stay in his lane when I am correcting his grandchildren, he doesn't like it, but I'm their Momma. I am also learning that because I have a boy and a girl, they need to be taught different lessons. I do prepare my son's plate before I prepare my daughter's and at times she will make her little brother a meal when he asks. My son has learned to hold the doors for his sister and I, randomly kiss our foreheads, and compliment us, among other chivalrous behaviors. One day my sister was pulling up, it was raining, my son grabbed an umbrella, ran to her car, opened her door and held the umbrella over her head, he's 9 years old. There are some gender traditions I want my kids to practice and by the way, cooking and cleaning is a survival skill NOT a gender role. (Here is a funny article about Single Moms vs. Single Dads.) Yes, I may have to schedule time away from work, cancel meetings, push emails to later, and consider how much energy a project will drain me and if it will interfere with any plans I have with my little people. This means that my schedule at home is mostly full.

I am not one of those 'PTA Moms' who micromanages her kids and has to be involved in EVERYTHING they do, mainly because I don't have the time or energy...go ahead and fight me on it 'Helicopter Moms', I don't need your rude banter on what "Good Parents" are supposed to do. I once told my son, "I love you kid, but you get on my f*ckin' nerves sometimes." to which he responded, "I know...and don't say bad words to me." As much as I am involved, I also give my kids space, I let them do stupid things, I let them watch scary movies, stay up late on school nights, and they can yell at me when I do wrong. My children and I have an understanding of each other. Instead of one parent and two children, we behave like 3 people living together and learning what works and doesn't work for us. Just like how any other relationship may operate. My kids have gotten used to me being in and out for different reasons. When I am out, they check on me and once they confirm I'm okay, they leave me alone. I am still their Parent but, I allow them to speak openly with me and talk about various topics. Yes, at times I also allow my kids to curse whether out of frustration or just being silly (they don't drop f-bombs, it's the less vulgar words I allow them to use) and they tease me as much as I tease them; we have fun in my family.

*Forewarning to any future stepchildren I may have, your father is not going to like how much you rather want to hang out with me than him. (Whispers:...and if your father and I don't work out, you kids are still welcome at my house and I'll still fix you some food, I'll even make up your bed if you want to stay over, we'll tell your dad about it in the morning.) We don't fault children for our adult indiscretions; we find a way to make it better for them.

I appreciate employers who understand the need to be present for our kids. Do you know how difficult it is to get a check up, dentist appointment, and an eye appointment scheduled on the same day? And let's not mention if you have to run by the pharmacy to fill a prescription. It's even more difficult to manage time with children under 5 years of age. And bless the women who find themselves pregnant and single. How you got in that situation is not as important as what you plan to do next. There may be some decisions you are not proud of or maybe you didn't handle something with the best judgment; just face what you have to overcome to be okay and trust me, I KNOW, that shit ain't easy. You feel like you're alone, you get these judgmental looks when you go to your appointments by yourself while other expectant moms are sitting next to their doting partners and when the doctor asks about the father, you pause with discontent, then you also notice people looking down at your bare ring finger, Yeah there's one finger I want to show you and it's definitely NOT my ring finger. It's unfortunate that some of us go through this, but guess what My Love, You've got this. Let the other parent figure out their own lives while you continue to maneuver through yours. The key word here is ACCEPTANCE. Accepting what you've decided to do and accepting what the other parent is not deciding to do. Never make the children be in the middle of your tug-of-war and don't ever speak ill of the other half.

On top of all that, you still have to keep an income to care for your family. Maintaining a comfortable lifestyle on one income takes a lot of budgeting, re-budgeting, investing, saving, transferring money, and putting into an emergency account. It also takes a lot of time to invest in developing your professional/business skills to make the salary you need to have the life you want. Whew. I am one parent working as two, the head of my household, I had to be strategic and obtain more than one revenue stream to afford the lifestyle the kids and I like. So any men out there who want to fuss with me about how I spend my free time, what I do with my money, or challenge my ambitions, Take your clown ass to the exit, I never sent for you anyway. Fellas, I don't know how it is on your end as single parents, but if you face the same scrutiny as some of us women do and still have faith in humanity, You are a strong soul my friend, cheers.

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Side Note: Did you know at one point in history, there was an issue for women to claim 'Head of Household' even if she made more money or had more valued assets than her husband? -- English jurist William Blackstone put it in his Commentaries on English Law (1765–1769): By marriage, the husband and wife are one person in the law: that is, the very being or legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband: under whose wing, protection, and cover, she performs every thing. -- It was presumed that once you are married, the husband manages the household. Oh, okay, come fix your own plate and iron your own shirts then...I make your house a home. There were even inheritance laws that left out the daughters.

Ladies, as much as things still need to progress, you have to admit, we've come a long way so far. Remember that one time when all races of men could vote before any of us could? Oh and remember when it was okay for them to hit us if they did it with an open hand?

...Let me get back on track before I go into a wild tangent of how women were treated decades ago...and still today.

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Back to us Singles...It's okay Parents. Breathe. And then Breathe again.

There are many family-friendly companies to work for but, don't abuse their graces or benefits, you still have to do the work. I've been lucky enough to work with a company and a handful of other businesses who give me flexibility to be a Mom. If you find an organization in your field of experience, GREAT. If not, it can be overwhelming to switch gears. I fell into the career I have now, my designation was in psychology. (My father hates it when I read/psychoanalyze him, so I think he secretly appreciated me changing directions; What is it with some of you men and counseling?) I had to learn everything new and with that, it has allowed me to expand professionally and personally. Life is amusing like that, whoever is running the show up there has really been throwing me some obstacles making me question so much about who I am, who I think I am, who I want to be, how I want for others to view me, and how I want to be thought of or remembered...Here I stand, however you know me, however you view, the Universe planned it that way. A dear friend of mine believes it has much to do with the zodiac signs...I do not fully believe in astrology but, I do take her words in small increments.

Here is an article that may help those who are facing challenges with work and kids. Look, no matter what age you are or what age your kids are, at any point you may find yourself standing between a rock and a hard place wondering whether to go left or right and which way is best for you and your family. We can't not work and we can't not be there for our family. When kids are involved, there is no simple answer and depending on what type parent you are verses the type of business goals you have...May the force be with you and say no to drugs.

*Above Video from 2017.

Letting go of Bad Investments

Time is money and money is time, yes? We invest in things that we anticipate will bring us value; dividends. Well, what about people? We invest our time in them, right? I mean, isn’t that how relationships evolve and stay strong, even with family members? There has to be some type of exchange in value, otherwise what are we really doing?

For many of us, as we see a new year or go through some type of metamorphosis, we think of our investments and the values they hold.  At least I do. Let's look at it like a stock portfolio, you have a number of stocks that you bought and/or frequently allocate your money to and you see that one of your stocks has not reached much gain. As a matter of fact, you look at the history and see that this stock has given you more loss than it was initially worth. What do you do? Do you invest more money with the thought of the market possibly turning around? Or do you let it go? I suppose it depends on how much this stock really impacts you and your portfolio.

I do not have many connections I had to force out of my life, but I have had connections that no longer hold the same value, so I eventually withdrew from them; some were familial connections. You are allowed to grow away or beyond people, even if it is people you are supposed to love. And with those who you found intriguing enough to love on your own, make sure you love them for who they are, not what you want them to be and yes, even these ties can loosen and disconnect.

When we build our relationships with others, we have hope that it will be good, but where do we draw the line at it not being what we thought but, also not feeling like we made a poor decision, avoid going in circles, and not wanting to hurt others? No one likes to waste time or have their time being wasted, no one likes to be the asshole, and yet, we are at least once in someone else's experience. In the duration of my career and some of my personal experiences, Yes I've been and sometimes am still the asshole. How do we disconnect from an emotional investment without being cold-hearted? I'm sorry, I don't have an easy answer and this is just my opinion but, let’s look at it this way and ask yourself these questions:

• How long have you known the person?

• What memories do you have with this person? (Good and Bad)

• Does the good outweigh the bad?

• Is the bad so bad enough that you cannot recover from it?

• What value does this person bring to your life? (entertainment, support, encouragement, advice, business, etc.)

• If you stopped communicating, would you be bothered if something happened to this person? If so, how much would it bother you and would it change your outlook in your connections with others?

BUT ALSO…be honest with yourself,

• Are YOU worth the investment?

• What type of investment are you worth?

• Do you add value to someone’s life?

• And how truly valuable is it?

• Are you giving as much as you are receiving?

I am sure people have digressed from me because I did not bring them enough value. I know I am not and will not be great for everyone. I will either be too much or not enough for some people, but for those who want and continue to be in my life, I'm just right. We have to accept that we don’t meet everyone’s criteria. That should not make you feel less of a person, it just means that those people don’t belong in your investment portfolio.

Someone said a “Forever Goodbye” to me a few weeks ago; I did not attempt to stop this person from walking away. Whether this person felt that our friendship was not worth keeping, or just felt that our communication was no longer cohesive, or there is possibly some sort of misunderstanding that neither of us have the patience to sort out, whatever the reason is, I still have to move forward no matter what link I have with this person. We cannot dictate the actions of other people. Not all investments will be great and not all investments that end are bad ones…even though the title of this reads “Letting Go of Bad Investments” the reality is, even good expenditures can fade and no longer gain any interest. It’s okay, it happens. Continue to be positive and act like you have no clue who they are if you ever run into them....just kidding, don't be spiteful. Simply smile, say "Hi" and go about your day.

I am not encouraging us to assess the people around us with emotionless regard but, to define our relationships with others more strategically. What is the investment? What are we giving and what is our return? No, don’t look at connections with a quid pro quo type of attitude but rather, understand what you find value in and if you are receiving that value. What dividends have you gained? If you come to a conclusion that someone is not a benefit to you in any form that you feel is significant then you may need to withdraw some or all of your allocations. Although, if there is a substantial benefit, consider investing more.

Everyone Loves the Hero, but No One Forgets the Villain

No matter which era you grew up in there was always a hero protecting people from the Villain. Captain Planet vs. Captain Pollution, Thundercats vs. Mumm-ra, He-Man vs. Skelator, GI Joe vs. Cobra Commander. Yes ladies, even Jem and The Holograms had enemies. For those who are too young to remember these names, how about we go with, The Justice League or The Avengers (even though these were around just as long).

We in general idolize the heroes for their strengths, confidence, power, and wit but, do we not more relate to the Villain? Follow me for a second....

The "bad characters" are usually the ones who are misunderstood, mistreated, and taken advantage of; they were once the victims if you will.

We are now seeing more movies humanizing the villains, Venom, Maleficent, and Joker. Even in The Avengers, a few times we see moments of weakness with Thanos and we also learn to kind of like Loki; the "adopted" son who conflicts with his origins vs what he can be. Yeah, Thor is a God, carries a hammer, and makes the ladies swoon, but Loki is also a God, carries sarcastic humor, and pokes fun of himself. Some of us women rather laugh than lust and none of us want to be placed in a pool of choices. *Sidebar: Fellas hear me out, there are those of us who are loyal due to respect not because lack of options...put that in your savings and let it collect interest.

Before becoming Villains, these characters faced some type of turmoil in their lives that changed their outlook of the world. Something switched. Isn't that what happens to all of us? Somewhere in our subconscious, whether we want to admit it or not, we more connected with the Villain, but to admit that is to admit we are bad people, yes? No, that's not what it means. The hero is who we want to be, the one people admire, look up to, praise, and love. In reality, the Hero holds everyone's burdens and has more responsibilities than he can handle.

We are all capable of being that hero, but the Villain is who we try to escape from even though, some of the elements of the villain are relative to us.... wanting something so badly that we overlook who it pushes away, disappointment, betrayal, loss, suffrage, pain. Yes, you can say Batman and Iron Man faced these things in their own backstories, but remember, both of them are human and part of being human is experiencing something that deeply affects you.You respect the one who loves you but, you never forget your first heartbreak?

Of course, I'm not saying if you've struggled at any point in your life it excuses you to be hurtful, but there is a saying that goes, "Hurt people HURT people." How much do you allow your pain to guide your actions?

Even after the 9/11 attacks, a large portion of America turned their heartache into frustration against anyone who resembled the terrorists. Kids getting severely bullied at school, coworkers being outcasted, neighbors' homes being vandalized, people having to hide their culture in fear of being harassed or assaulted. (Sorry, this is a sensitive topic all around, but it is important to address pain on all sides. We all have some darkness within us.)

Back to the fictional villains; what we learn with these movies and stories is not to rule out the Villain as always being "that bad guy". Their aggression has a source. Remember the Star Trek movie with Chris Pine? We are introduced to a character called, Nero, who felt the Federation did nothing to protect his home resulting in the loss of his family. His resentment fueled his revenge.

One of the fictional hero/villain relationships I most like is with Professor X and Magneto. They both want the best for their people but, have different ideas of what best is. Although, we fall into the propaganda of Magneto being the opposing one. Yet, can you not empathize with his backstory? His early life experiences changed him into what we know him to be. How did Professor X grow up again? C'mon now, many of us were not born into affluent families so my hand rests on Magneto's shoulder.

And soon, we'll get to view the new script of who Joker was before becoming the painted-face villain. Honestly, he's one of my favorites, from Jack Nicholson, to Heath Ledger, to now Joaquin Phoenix. And I'll never forget the scene when Jack Nicholson is vandalizing famous works of art while dancing to Prince's Partyman. I wanted to be that character, only for that one scene. And my favorite line with Heath Ledger is, "Why so serious?" In an alternate perspective, that line reminds me to 1. Not take myself too seriously and 2. Whatever obstacle I am facing, I will eventually be able to joke about it.

Our experiences can turn us into many different things. Much like deciding what's right and what's wrong. What may be right for you may be wrong for someone else and vice versa. The outcome is what waits for us in our character development.

We are always somewhere in the middle of being the Hero and being the Villain.

Everybody wants to be a hero, but when it comes down to it... all you're really doing is trying to survive. -- The Invaders: Genesis (2010)

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Make It Work Anywhere

Being able to work from home has become more welcomed in recent years, but remember, work still needs to be done. In an overview of top rated companies 51% offer flexible hours and a little over 17% allow employees to work remotely. People assume that if an employer allows you to office remotely that your are not managed, you can wake up anytime you please, respond to emails/calls at your convenience, and brush off tasks until you are ready to complete them….Ummmm, No. Let’s bring you back to reality. There are still parameters you need to stay within, such as, business hours traditionally still begin in the morning and end in the late afternoon or early evening. Certain companies expect to see you “clock in” at a particular time and monitor your activity throughout the day, because unfortunately there are people who take advantage of this benefit which brings us to another misconception that people who work remotely are lazy or are not really professionals. There are definitely professionals who have done well in maintaining a remote career, consultants, virtual assistants, and freelancers come mind; these people have generated a list of clientele who have specific needs and contract out the work.

Being given the choice to work from anywhere or having the flexibility to do so is not something one should underestimate when thinking about the demands of a job. Anytime I am out of my office, I am still in office mode, whether I am sitting by the window at a coffee shop, making sure I am connected to the hotel WiFi, or checking emails on my phone periodically, I don’t need anyone to think I am slacking off. I took the position I currently have and it is going to stay mine until I let it go. I will not give anyone reason to second guess my work ethic. I have a job and people pay me for my knowledge and skill set, so I am going to make sure those checks keep coming my way. You are entitled to have personal or vacation time, but when you are on company time…Sweetheart, you better get your coffee ready and have your brain fired up. Sometimes I joke with people about being lackadaisical with completing my tasks, yet the reality is, I know what’s expected of me and more importantly, I have expectations of myself.

For those of you who cannot fully function at home there are such things as Co-working spaces which are essentially shared work spaces that are affordable office space for those looking to escape the isolation of a home office or coffee shop. These shared work spaces offer a suite of office-like amenities such as hot-desks, private meeting rooms, kitchens, coffee and more. Or you can just opt for the free WiFi at Starbucks, you may have to prowl around for a power outlet though…Hence, why I have plans of opening a coffee shop geared towards people who need a relaxing space to work because the expansion of businesses and people operating beyond the office is only going to increase, I gotchu and I may even cook. How do you like your eggs? Need more coffee? Bailey’s Irish Cream with that?

And have you heard?! There are even some start-ups wanting to popularize unique private spaces for you to rest, “Sleep Pods”. Companies like Google and Samsung have already implemented such benefits. Yes, there are many resources for us to be successful outside of the traditional office. I mean, you can even earn advanced degrees from the comfort of your own kitchen table. Last week I took an exam in a space full of people in their business casual attire, I had my headphones on, the server delivered my breakfast croissant, and I noticed the person sitting next to me working on pivot tables with his headphones on. Oh what a world we live in.

Big companies and organizations are learning that employees need outlets and other resources to perform well. Here’s an interesting fact, the Grand Canyon gives their employees the option to live within the park by providing housing and they even have public schools for their children…inside the National Park. I learned their high school graduation ceremonies are held on one the of rims of the Canyon. Can you imagine how amazing those pictures are?

There is no such thing as “work when I want to”. You may be more effective at different times of the day but, you still have on interact full time with your responsibilities even if you are your own boss. Business owners and Entrepreneurs still need to oversee and manage productivity, review profits and losses, make changes, call meetings, organize, and delegate to stay in business. I know a husband and wife duo who seem to never sleep. They have a widely successful restaurant, breaking ground to open more establishments, attend their kids activities, go to the gym, spend time with relatives, give back to the community, meet with their business partners, train new employees, and still have date nights. I always see them working and achieving together. They are a legit power couple. I applaud them.

Even the main company I am currently with, the owners are still very hands on with the day to day activities. I communicate with one of them practically everyday. What this tells me is that if the owners are working, I need to be working too, not snuggled up under my covers avoiding adulthood. You should be operating when your customers or clients are operating. Companies have to meet quotas and if your are sitting home not helping to meet that, well then you should already be comfortable where you’re at.

You see that picture of me with a backpack, standing close to the edge even though I was told not to? I don’t listen, but that is beside the point…I am nowhere near an office but, guess what is in the bag? My laptop, an external hard drive, and a notebook. One thing I learned about myself and others who have the same goal-oriented mindset is that we never really shut ourselves off from working and the proof is in our results. My father is preparing retirement and he has been recently talking to me about not putting too much on my shoulders, Daddy, I hear you; I’ll slow down when I reach your bank roll, sir. (I am my Father’s Daughter but, he knows who he raised.) Whether it is logic, rationale, or creativity, the thoughts of a working mind are relative to productivity, growth, and success. Even with our personal relationships, look at the business aspects of it:

• How well do we work together?

• Is there integrity?

• What is his/her drive compared to my own?

• How can we help or benefit each other?

• Do we keep open lines of communication?

• What are our goals?

• Can we depend on each other?

• Is there support on both sides?

• Are we good a conflict resolution?

• Are we able to overcome adversities together?

• Can we compromise?

  (Refer back to Business Woman to Business Wife for more insight.)

All of you reading may not agree with this thought but, Everything is fundamentally business related. A business person will always be a busy person but, If you can organize yourself, then you have time for everything you need and want to have time for. How are you advancing personally and professionally? One plays on the other. Having the flexibility to work from anywhere can benefit your personal life but, it still has to balance.

I enjoy both being able to have an office to go to and having projects that allow me to be remote. If you have the tenacity to achieve without the confines of a physical office, you are able to meet expectations, you understand what has to be done, and you communicate effectively…then you have developed a skill and quality of creating the office in your mind. Kudos, you will continue to do well.

Business Woman to Business Wife

Would you change your career for your partner? Or stop working completely? This was a recent topic of discussion among my friends and I; single, married, and engaged.

My simple answer is, Yes.

Yes, I would consider changing the direction of my career, but if I end my career for him, I am not going to stop working. I am either going to take on business projects with him or I am going to find a hobby that brings me income.

Some of you who know me may be thinking this goes against everything I stand for: Independence, Working Women, Women in Business, etc. No, no, no…I am still very much advocate for those things, but when you are in a partnership, a commitment with someone, you lay out all your thoughts and plans in which the two of you want to follow through with. If believe in my partner and he can afford to carry both of us, plus our family, and there are factors in our relationship that I can cater to better, then yes, I will change my direction, but he will also need to understand that I will still remain lucrative. If I am choosing to give up a my salary, the salary that has allowed me to cover my financial responsibilities and grants me to do all the things I enjoy doing, there is going to be a reasonable compromise, whatever that may look like for us.

Many single women have learned to maintain themselves without Prince Charming (by the way, most of us prefer the Prince who thinks he’s a Frog over the Frog who thinks he’s a Prince. Let that sink in for a bit), so it may be hard for some of us to make adjustments. We have conditioned ourselves to obtain the necessities without the man, so Why would I want to share my closet space? Don’t lose hope fellas, be patient with us, for not all of us are lost into the black hole of estrogen dominance…Just build her a bigger closet.

In another posting, I mentioned the different standards with men and women and the stigma that surrounds their responsibilities. The men provide, the women comfort. And really, women are a bit tougher, yeah we may be more emotional and most times we aren't making much sense, but of the two sexes, we were granted to ability to bare children and withstand the many levels of struggles and triumphs life can throw at us which includes, knowing when and how to coddle a man who wants to be comforted more than he is willing to admit.

In a 2013 survey, 43% of women quit their jobs after marriage because they now have a new role, new responsibilities. I do not fault women who chose to do this. I know plenty of couples who have been successful with separating roles. For some duos, it is beneficial for the marriage for the wife to be home, the kids do not have to be in daycare and are better attended to, the wife manages the home and activity schedules, possibly helps organize the finances, etc. You take on those stairs, I’ll take on these, and we’ll meet at the top. And there there are relationships where the roles are conjoined, We both look over the finances, we both tackle the issues, we both maintain our home, we both work on projects together, etc.

There are plenty of things wives can do to 1. Support their Husbands, 2. Stay Lucrative, and 3. Maintain Knowledge of Business Practices. Here is a take from a divorcee who says, "Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job." Although, how you chose to keep stability in your married life is a personal and private discussion with your spouse. What may work for you may not work for others.

Working women have acquired several useful business skills in their careers that can be helpful to her husband, her marriage, her family, because with most of us, the definition of a wife is not someone who only cooks, cleans, and raises the children; the definition is being a Partner which means that we discuss big decisions that may change the dynamics of our lives and we come to an agreement that we are both comfortable with.

The same concepts in business will still apply with our relationship: Why? Because it is a Partnership.

• We do not discuss problems outside of our partnership unless it is an unbiased source (There may be some exceptions depending the seriousness of the issue and who we are sharing our personal business with.)

• We do not speak ill of one another to other people (I once read something that said, “The weakest thing a man can do is talk badly about his woman to others.” And of course it works the same way with women.)

• We take the time to talk to one another about changes in plans or goals (If we have to “call a meeting” with each other, then so be it. We both need to understand each other to be a benefit to one other.)

• We do not make final or permanent decisions without the other

• If we are continuously at odds and cannot seem to meet in the middle, then we need to consider dissolving the relationship without any added stress

When you allow someone into your life, change will happen; work together towards the best. You don't let something go that you already know is great to see about a different possibility. You make what's great even greater. (Read that again, some of you missed it.)

For those of you ladies who are married or soon to be married and there are talks of you leaving your employer, here are some tips and advice to consider:

• Give your boss at least 2-4 weeks notice depending on the depth of your position and how long it may take to train a replacement.

• Be honest about why you are leaving. You want to focus on your marriage and family. Maybe your spouse has a more lucrative offer in another city or state. (A friend of mine is soon to be married and her fiance has an offer to an elevated position in another city a few hours away, I told her, "Honey, you better put in your notice and let your husband be great so you can be great together!")

• See if there is a possibility of you to work part time or as a consultant, especially is your role requires a lot of skill that may take more than 4 weeks to train someone new. Plus, you never know, consulting may be something you can take on to stay in the business loop.

Here is a article that has a sample: How To Resign From Your Job Due to Marriage

Sidebar: For me to make compromises he will need to be spectacular and do the unexpected. For instance, if you tell me you are stopping at the store and want to know if I want anything and I say No, get me a candy bar. Twix. Spectacular does not have to be extravagant. Although, surprising me with a weekend getaway would be nice too. Balance.

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Stand By Me

Let’s be honest, we don’t succeed by ourselves. Whether it is a team of people who help us work through tasks or if it is just a group of individuals who support us, breaking through the ceiling is not a one man project.

We all have goals we want to achieve. We are able to best achieve them when we have supporters; people who inspire us, encourage us, or people who just seem to always be there to cheer us on. What is success if we are doing it all alone? What is feeling great if we have no one around us to experience it with? What do we need to ensure we reach the top?…People who stand by us.

What are the makings of a good supporter?

• Listen - Hear what plans they have. Lend some advice, but don't force it. When people are excited about something, one of the things they enjoy doing is talking about it. Throughout the process, ask them how their plans are going, again lend your ears. Even when things aren't going as anticipated, people may still need to vent, be a sounding board and dissolve judgments.

• Show Up - Yes, physically be present if possible. I don't know how many times I've pushed passed my sleepiness or made adjustments in my schedule to show up for the people I care about and support their endeavors. If they have a business where goods are sold, buy their products. If they offer services, book them. If they are speaking in front of a crowd or putting on some type of show, arrive. Just being present for people gives them a sense of peace and accomplishment.

• Praise - Let people know how proud and happy you are over them, even if they are still in the process of building. Positive words can encourage people to keep going and continue to do well. If you have a second, make a quick call or a simple text message to say, “You are doing great.”

• Protect - There will always be critics. If someone is speaking negativity about someone you care about, don't entertain it and just sit there, CHECK THEM. You don't have to be rude, but you can simply affirm your confidence over your friend or loved one and how you will continue to show your support for them. There have been times I heard people cast their doubts on someone I support and I made no hesitation to let those individuals know how disheartening it is for people to criticize others without wanting to understand the drive or reasons. People who defend you when you are not around are the best people to keep in your life.

• Don’t Quid Pro Quo - Don’t be one of those people who shows support just to get something back in return. Support because you believe in someone, not because you have motives to gain some form of benefit. Accept the accolades of being genuine.

The simplest things someone does for us or you do for others can have a lasting impact.

What Dreams May Come

I can remember my first "nightmare" from when I was 4 years old. I was being chased by 3 bears down a street that was near my preschool in Brussels. At that time I was fresh in a new country, learning a new language and seeing a lot of pale faced people. That dream represented a sequence of changes that were relative to my new life.

Some people think of dreams as just a figment of imagination and just for entertainment purposes. While others find connections between their dreams and their reality...I am one of those people and you also should not disregard what you saw as you slept you night away. The messages you may receive can give you comfort and clarity.

In an article I read about the dreams we have, it states that EVERYONE dreams. If you sleep, you dream, but a large percentage of people do not remember their dreams. Why is this? One theory the article mentions that I agree with the most is that some people are overly consumed in their day that remembering a dream is not on the to-do list. “If by the end of the day, you're down for the count, nearly passed out on the couch, science says you're the type to hardly remember anything you dream about.” Read the full article HERE. If your brain is balancing a lot of stress while you are awake, that can be a reason why it is blocking you from remembering your dreams, and when you get so used to not remembering, it becomes normal and then you are conditioned to "not dreaming". There are also studies of diet and hormone levels such as melatonin which affect dreams. And one thought to consider is that those who do not recall their dreams are not truly in tuned with themselves or the people around them. Hmmm.

Recalling dreams is a delicate and fragile process. As this article states, remembering a dream is like holding a fist full of sand in your hand and submerging your hand under water then bringing it back up.

For those of us who do remember, there are some dreams that I wake up from and want to dissect because it left that much of an impression. I once had a dream that I was looking onto a pond of pink water lilies and within my dream, I saw myself looking up the meaning of the flower...so something in my subconscious was telling me I needed to not forget about these water lilies and that I needed to research what it meant for my life. Of course the next day I impulsively looked up the meaning of pink water lilies in one's dreams and what I found was very comforting. Dreaming of water lilies meant I was going though a time of trial…which I was…and the message to me was not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. Dreaming of the flower represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

There are dreams that I have about other people and it foretells me what to expect as if I am being prepared for something that may have a big impact on me. Last year I had a dream of a baby, I could not tell if it was a boy or girl nor could I tell who this baby belonged to but, I was sure this little one was not mine. I've had similar dreams like this and it turned out that someone around me was expecting. The next day I reached out to a good friend and said, "Are you pregnant?!" My friend was almost appalled by my question and vehemently denied, especially since at that very moment she was consuming an alcoholic beverage. One month later she calls me with her husband in the background and tells me her home pregnancy test read positive. BOOM, my next godchild was on the way. It was the same result a few years ago when I had a dream of two little boys and a few months after that dream, two of the women in my office ended up being pregnant at the same time and both delivered boys. There is still a baby dream that has yet to surface. In this particular dream, I saw the details of a baby girl’s face. She was about 6-8 months old with a head full of chocolate brown curls and big brown eyes with an almond skin tone. Who does this little one belong to? Yours? I shall wait.

Is it a gift?

Maybe, but that’s up for debate since I also had and have dreams of pending heartbreak; again my subconscious telling me to be prepared. Years ago I had a dream of an incident and a few more dreams relating to the incident that became reality and would later lead to my move to Texas. Lucky for me, dreams of heartbreak comes far and few in between.

Most of my dreams are silly, confusing, and reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland’s adventures as yours may be as well but, ones that stick are the ones I continue to remember; even the ones that tell me about the success of others. I recently had a dream that I was with a friend looking at a vacant space he wanted to buy to expand his business. He was so excited and told me about all his plans and asked me to come back on a specific date to see the grand opening. This dream is yet to unfold or if it will unfold the same as what I saw, but if nothing else, the message here is to prepare of great things to come from this friend of mine.

Other dreams that occur are of places I have never been; I am wandering through a small village or a scenic island. Some studies claim dreams like that are resurfaced memories from your previous lives…if you believe in reincarnation….and if this is true then it leads me to wonder who was I in those past lives?

Here are some common dreams to think about: (None of these are definitive analysis, it is a combination of studies of people who have these dreams and their general consensus. Your dreams are particular to you and what you have experienced in life. The meaning of your dreams may not mirror the below meanings.)

• Being Chased - You are avoiding issues in your life so you are running from it. It is a message that you should face what you are trying to avoid. Sometimes it may be easier for you to run from a problem than to face it, but your subconscious is telling you different.

• Falling - There is loss of control in your life with work, finances, relationships, etc. and it is giving you anxiety. You cannot seem to grasp anything around you a hard as you try, you are still falling. Pay close attention to this dream and what it means to you in connection with what you have occurring in your life.

• You Think You Woke Up But Are Still Sleeping - You are worried about your upcoming day and your mind wants to prepare you for it. You may dream that you are waking up and starting your morning routine but you are actually still sleeping.

• Snakes - Hidden fears or worries that threaten you. This dream could be alerting you about upcoming issues that have yet to surface and could have a negative impact in your life. Think about what is happening around you, who is around it and if it is possible that there are ulterior motives that will hinder you in some way.

• Infidelity - Dreaming of a partner cheating signifies that you have concerns because your partner may be spending time and attention on things that do not involve you. It also signifies lack of trust with your partner which may be something to think more about and identify if there really is an issue. Dreams like this are more likely to continue with unresolved issues.

• Hot Air Balloon - There are different meanings of this dream depending on what you saw. If you were in a hot air balloon, it signifies that you will overcome an obstacle and find yourself in a higher status emotionally over others because you rose above a situation. But, this is temporary because with all balloons, they come down, so you have to be careful that your remain steady with your feelings while in flight and while coming back down to earth. If in your dream, you saw a hot air balloon crash, it means that you have set your goals too high and are not being realistic with yourself; your are being overly confident and not seeing the bigger picture which could lead to your crash and burn.

• Flying - Some studies say that the feeling of flying in your dreams means your subconscious is encouraging you to let go of certain issues in your life and be free of the worries. What is plaguing your mind? What are you worried about? It may be something not worth your stress, let it go.

• Dying - This dream does not mean the end for you, it more notes that there is something in your life that you should end, a job, a project, or a relationship, etc. much like the flying dream. Say your goodbyes and put the matter to rest.

• Babies or Being Pregnant - As you already read above, for me, having dreams of babies means someone around me is expecting but, generally seeing babies in your dreams signify innocents and new beginnings, in which my dreams aren’t far off. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or untainted. Dreaming of being pregnant is similar, the birth of a new idea, project, or direction in life such as a new venture, job, a move, or new relationship maybe?

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behaviors

“I read the world around me.”

The Busy Woman

Him: Can I take you out to dinner?

Her: No, I don’t have time.

Sound familiar ladies?

Over the years a certain breed of women have stopped waiting around to be “saved” and decided to save themselves. What does this mean exactly?

It means we have prioritized our lives to put our needs first. Although, please understand that the needs of each woman differ from one to the next. Some of us want to be head of major corporations, some of us what to invest in start-ups, some of us want to travel the world and help others. A post on PsychCentral details 6 Reasons Women are Too Busy. The post was published in 2014 but, it still holds relevance and lets just go ahead and pile on the reasons for those of us wanting to make waves in business.

I’m not sure how it happened but, something just clicked in our brains that the Cinderella stories are far and few in between. This does not translate to all busy women being single women. No, a married woman can still have just as much drive especially if her husband encourages her business spirit. There are not too many men who understand the scope and reasons why a woman wants to be proactive with making her own lane in life, even if her lane is beside his. Some men just prefer woman to stay in the shadows, but there are women who want to be more than just a man’s wife. So ladies, if you have a partner who supports your ambitions without him creating an overcast on you with his own goals, hold on to him, that’s a rare specimen. Yeah, he may want to protect you, but he should also hear you out.

It’s funny, at times when I am at networking events or if I stop somewhere after work to decompress before heading home, I get approached by men who seem to have a preconceived notion of what type of woman I am.

• The Kept Woman (A rich man’s wife)

• The Gold Digger (Looking for a rich man)

• The Spoiled Naive Daddy’s Girl (The temperamental woman who must have her way)

I humor their ignorance on occasion, but for the most part, if I tell you about myself the first time and you do not get it, I’m not likely to have the tolerance to explain myself several times, nor should I, especially when I did not come out to meet a suitor anyway. How you perceive a woman will not necessarily change because she tells you differently; you are either open to understanding her or you are not.

However, I will admit I do appreciate it when men want to be of assistance like when a passersby offers to load my groceries into the car, hold his umbrella up for me even if it means he gets rained on, gives up his chair for me, sees me putting air into my tires and comes to take over the task, help me reach a high item, or lend a hand to carry my bags (luggage, backpack, laptop bag) into the building. I guess that is part of the “Damsel in Distress” ideal and a man wanting to be the hero, can’t complain, but gestures like this are quick and usually without expectation of anything more than just being a decent human.

Busy women juggle many thoughts that lead to an infinite number of tasks. Our brains can be a souffle of madness at any point of the day. Let me give you a quick rundown of what occurs in our silence or stillness:

• Careers: Where am I, Where do I want to be, How do I get there, What do I need to reach that level, Am I highlighting my skills, Am I keeping myself valuable to the company, Am I meeting expectations

  • Entrepreneurs/Small Business Owners: What is my vision, What is my business structure, How much do I want this to grow, Do people clearly understand what I do, What marketing tools do I need, What team do I have, Is my licensing in order, Am I putting aside enough for taxes, Who is my accountant, Do I know the legal perimeters, Do I have the correct insurance

• Education: What do I still need to learn, How much is needed, What is the cost, How long will it take, What needs to be adjust to complete this, What do I plan to do with this, When is that paper due, What day is that exam

• Kids (if applicable): What are the children’s schedule, Where do they need to be on what days, When are their check-ups, Are they eating enough, Who are their friends, What activities are they involved in, What are they understanding or not understanding, What types of choices are they making

• Husband/Spouse (if applicable): What is his schedule, When are we able to have time to ourselves, Is he overwhelmed, What kinds of decisions is he making for the relationship or family, Does he feel supported, Am I communicating well enough

• Meaningful Friendships: Am I reaching out often, Am I being empathetic, Am I being supportive, Am I listening

• Finances: What has to be paid, When is payment due, How much is due, What’s in the budget, What needs to be recalculated, What amount needs to be set aside, What are the stocks doing, What does the retirement fund look like, What is the savings plan

• Health: Am I eating enough, Am I eating the right foods, When is my next check-up, How much am I exercising, How often do I need to exercise, Where do I go, When can I go

For single women - With all this above, what time do we have to entertain men who want us to appeal to their lives and not consider what we have already created. For critics who say, “You find time for what you want.” Okay, that’s fair but, I am going to get my to-do list done first because he’s not going to be the only one who brings something to the table.

For non-single women - If you are doing all this alone, get yourself a new partner. I prefer a busy man, but if I’m married to one, I expect his level of busy to match mine and we will share some of these responsibilities If I mention to you that my car is making a weird noise, you know where the key is, take the car to the shop and get it checked out, and it would be nice if you get it washed on the way home.

By no means am I discrediting a man who may be just as busy; I was raised by a single father of three with me being the eldest. I know some of you men can have a lot on your plate too, but remember the expectations of what a woman should do and what a man must do is contrasting. We are held to separate standards and we are not placed on leveling pedestals. This may be a bias statement but, women hold the burden of taking care of those around her on top of what she still needs to do for herself.

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If you feel you do not have the patience for a busy woman, she probably did not send for you anyway, so step aside, you are blocking her path.

The Boys Club

Business is still very much a male dominated entity.  This article goes further into similar thoughts mentioned in a previous article, Business Gender. Even though the workforce is almost half female.  In 2017, statistics reveal that 47% of women make up the workforce in the United States, and only 39.8% are in management roles.  With some companies, the higher the ladder, the fewer the women, which may be why in the past 20 years, there has been an 114% increase of women entrepreneurs.  More than 11.4 million businesses in the US are women owned creating at least 9 million jobs across the nation.

But, why do some women go the route of opening their own business?

Several reasons:

• They feel undervalued

• They are overlooked for promotions

• They are being overworked and underpaid

• They want to be more involved with business operational functions (other than being a receptionist, a data clerk, or an administrative assistant)

• They want to be part of major decisions

• They are tired of their concerns being “swept” under the rug

Although, let’s dig in about why women may feel this way.

Men have developed a camaraderie with other men, a “Boys Club” so to speak.  This is nothing new, even the first President of the Unites States was a Mason.  Men were always granted a level of power just for having a…well, you know the emoji I’m referring to, while a woman was to feed him and prepare his clothes.  Women are held to a degree of being catering but, not held to a degree of being business savvy.   It was the idea that women were not intelligent enough to think outside of the home, so why would a man place her in a position of responsibility that involved making major decisions of a company’s growth and wealth?  And dare not let a woman earn more than him, egos would be damaged and we must protect the ego of a man. (Refer to Dorothy’s mood).

It is no surprise men feel more comfort around their own, women do as well, it is nature; birds of a feather flock together. (Although, some men think women’s groups are cute and a way for women to be entertained with shoes and mimosas during brunch...Sir, sit all the way down.)  We are all aware of organizations and memberships just for men….Fraternities, yet not all groups classify themselves as such.  There is an automatic subconscious bond that reassures men to other men, “I’ll look out for you.” Remember The Little Rascals movie?  The “He Man Woman Haters Club” is what the boys called it.  They held meetings and discussed pranks they played on girls. The leader, Spanky, felt girls were a nuisance and did not want any of his members to be involved with one.  Let’s translate this….

Is there an unspoken thought that women are the downfall of a man’s progress? Maybe the wrong woman, but that’s just my 2 cents. YES, some of you men make some horrible decisions, aht, women do too, I'm not waging a war here. Do men feel that women are a hindrance? Are women a distraction in business? Do women decrease productivity? Do women negatively effect the goals of a business?

That all depends on how you utilize a woman and how you involve her.

Considering the growth of the #MeToo Movement, I can empathize why men now want to exclude women from their business circles especially men who mean no harm and want no trouble. Let's be honest, much of you successful men have a lot to lose if you are accused of mistreatment and I don't deny that woman can be vicious, some of us are disgracefully vindictive. I apologize and I have no excuse for this.   But, let’s also be clear, some of you men are pigs, and the #MeToo Movement is necessary to highlight and stop true abuse.  Yes unfortunately, there are still men who deem women as leisure objects; pretty things to look at and do away with when done. Granted, there are women who do not know their own value and allow this type of man to treat them in a disgraceful manner.  Although, let us not dismiss a limited breed of men who place women on a high pedestal where we are treated as precious treasures to be respected and protected. We appreciate these men for continuing to be delicate to our psyches and understanding that woman are far more than arm pieces but, Chivalry is topic for a non business related discussion and there are many layers to why these noble men behave the way they do.

In a different perspective, there is the concern some men may have when working with women.  When men and women work closely together a slight personal relationship can develop, sharing weekend stories, comparing parenting notes, exchanging relationship advice, etc.  It is possible for a man to think to himself, “Am I too getting too close?” “What if she takes offense to something I meant innocently?” “What if she is misinterpreting our work relationship?”   With these types of concern, Men and Women have to create boundaries within the workplace, especially the married. You don’t want your husband or wife to pop up at your office and drag your co-worker or employee out to the parking. Although, I am a firm believer of “a woman knows who she marries”..but that’s another topic for a non-business related discussion. You can act on your animal instincts if you want to but, getting too personal can become problematic in the workplace…or anywhere else for that matter.

Yes, I can understand why Men support each other, especially in business, we Women support our own as well, hence the #MeToo Movement and mass amounts of women owned businesses.  BUT, are there some cases where men support other men simply because they are men?  And not because of performance, trustworthiness, confidence, and achievement of expectations?  You may not agree to this thought but, I am going to spell it out anyway....

There. IS. a. double. standard. in. business.

If a woman is firm with her orders and directs a man to complete a project, she is considered cold, harsh and well, let's just say it, a bitch. Yet, if the orders were coming form a man with the same temperament, the reaction would play out differently. If the goal is to get the work done, why hesitate and become sensitive when a woman gives the directive as opposed to when a man giving it? Let me tell you why...it all goes back to our natural views, the views that are embedded into us as children and throughout our growth in society...and that is, men and women travel in separate lanes. The speed limits are different, the road signs are different, our detours are different. I hope you are following this analogy, if not, I'll make it more simple. Men and women are not equal in the sense that we are both engineered differently. Whether you are religious or just have a traditional way of thinking, women are the soft and pink beings while men are the strong and dominate ones, so to have a woman be in a position of authority subconsciously alerts us to react differently. Be mindful on how you react though, you can behave in an insubordinate manner and think, How dare She tell me what to do. Or you can understand that a task needs to be done and the expectation is set for everyone to adhere to. Another disturbing reality is that there are also women who do not want to work with other women or see them in elevated positions. Yup, sad.

If you think I'm speaking of things I know nothing about, consider this experiment I did. I applied to several different employers using 2 different resumes. The ONLY difference between the resumes were the names. The first resume was my initial name, "Raya Laephuang" while the second resume read, "Ray Laephuang". All other information on the resume was the exact same. I'll let you take a guess at which resumes received the most call backs.

This is business and by all means, keep your Boys Club, just don't act like women are incompetent and can't help you attain goals.

A BODY IN MOTION

“An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” – Newton’s First Law of Motion

Do you ever observe an object in motion, how it moves through the elements of its environment, and how it keeps going until it faces an unstoppable force? Let’s refer to this law of motion with people. Do you know someone who doesn’t seem to get much rest, who always pushes through to complete tasks or meet expectations, who also never seems to have time to sit and relax? Are you this person? You skip meals, don’t get enough rest, not drinking enough water, and surely not giving your body the attention it needs to recover from constant movement. Sound about right? When you don’t give yourself time to physically and mentally relax, you create stress for yourself and it just builds with the less attention you pay to yourself, then you may face an unstoppable force.

According to an article published in Forbes: Employee stress levels "have risen nearly 20% in three decades."

At a more personal level:

• 76% of respondents said workplace/business demands "had a negative impact on their personal relationships"

• 66% have lost sleep due to work-related demands

• 16% have quit jobs because stress became too overwhelming.

The article is more about people being overworked in a particular job and fearing failing, being replaced or fired. What I am referring to is being mindful of your health, knowing that you are doing a lot and also knowing when to STOP. Whether it is work, other business ventures, family, friends, anything that pulls you way from you, know when to hit the breaks to refocus on your health and well-being. Not stopping decreases the chances of being the BEST you.

Yes, some of us what to achieve so much, and we can, but we also need to decompress the demands of everything around us. Time is not kind to the world and the only way we can manipulate it is to make sure we are capable to function without avoiding warning signs that our bodies give off.

Another article on HealthLine.com talks about the 7 Red Flags You’re Working Too Much. The article mentions having daytime fatigue, feeling down, having body aches, etc. All of this adds congestion. We have to let our minds be free of demands. And speaking of feeling down, I can attest to that red flag. A few years ago, I faced this obstacle; it was mild. I was being pulled in different directions and was expected to be reliable to all those around me. At times I was asked to go beyond expectations to make others feel more comfortable, even though it put more stress on me and I would feel more strained if I didn't meet that expectation. I was always tired, I was interacting less with my friends, and I didn't have the energy to engage in activities with my kids. The worst part of it is that I was in denial...How could I feel this way? It's just a fluke, I'll get over it. There is nothing going wrong in my life. I refused to believe it was real and I further refused to accept seeking any form of relief. Eventually, I did and learned to separate myself from things that did not contribute to my good health. Even now, I can sense an imbalance coming on when I am consistently overwhelmed and feel trapped, but I have learned to better identify the causes and to better manage my time when juggling different projects and tasks.

Both articles mention the effects of personal relationships. Maintaining good health is not only important for productivity, it is also important for your personal relationships. Did you see the movie, Pretty Woman? Remember in the beginning, when Richard Gere's character comes across a woman who he once dated and their short conversation was about how busy he was during their relationship which led to their breakup. Yup, writers just don't pull erroneous thoughts out of a magic hat, they use realistic and relative story lines. Another movie is The Family Man with Nicholas Cage. Cage's character sacrificed his personal life to pursue his career which he became very successful, a wealthy bachelor with a lavish lifestyle and so forth, but he wakes up in an alternate life and realizes what he has been missing...family...friends...home...balance. This isn't only about the romantic connections, it's about all the connections you have with people, parents, siblings, children, close friends, etc. The more you work the more strain it can place on your personal affairs, especially when your loved ones see the effects it has on you.

It is easy to tell people to separate business and personal, but we only have one mind and even if we create file cabinets in our brains, our personal and our work files still overlap. Humans are not created to be alone. We need families, we need partnerships, we need comfort, we need support, we need interaction. We can allow certain relationships to suffer and there are some sacrifices worth taking but, which sacrifices will result in the most damage? Are we willing to accept that damage? These are questions only you can answer in correlation with what you want for yourself and your future.

The bigger question is, are you willing to allow YOU to suffer? You cannot be any good to work or personal relationships if you don't care for your own well being. It is not selfish, it's healthy. I am not encouraging you to go ahead and quit everything , I am advocating to better manage your time and include yourself in the equation.

Take a break. We can get too consumed with working and obtaining more that we lose focus on what else we need. We are much better to ourselves and those around us when we have a clear mind; get back to having enough rest, good diet, exercise, and "me time". If this means taking a leave of absence from your work life and personal life, then so be it. Are you not worth it to yourself? You want to achieve your goals right? You also what to enjoy the fruits of your labors, yes? Well, listen to your body and make sure it can continue to take you everywhere you want to go. Even cars will breakdown sooner if they are not properly maintained.

(Art installation by William Forsythe, "Choreographic Objects", for the Houston Fine Arts Museum.)

WHY DO WE KEEP MISCIMMUNICATING IN THE WORKPLACE?

Within every work environment, there are several elements which subconsciously separate us, age, gender, culture, race, and experience. We have all heard similar statements like,

“He just set in his ways and not willing to learn.”

“They don’t understand what I do. “

“Women are too sensitive for this job.”

“This kid comes in here and thinks he knows everything!”

“He just walks around the office and does nothing all day.”

All these statements are derived from our perception of the unspoken separation.  At times, this is the main source of our miscommunication with one another.   We do not want to say the wrong thing, we want to be delicate, we want to be politically correct, or the most common hindrance, we do not want to be wrong.  No one likes a trip to HR, but also, no one wants to walk on eggshells or feel they cannot express concerns or ideas with co-workers.

Yes, we are of an EEOC work society, yes, we need to learn communication etiquette with those different from us, and yes, we need to sustain focus on the business itself.  

Assess your current work environment. Do you feel everyone effectively communicates with each other? Do you feel comfortable making statements that pertain to one’s work performance? Do you feel confident that everyone is being diligent with their daily tasks? No? Then Houston, we have a problem. 

But what improves communication and what better connects us? Simple. TRAINING.

Implementing informative and periodic training helps a staff to communicate better and creates a cohesive work environment.  Identify roles, outline expectations, structure tasks, set goals and deadlines.  Let’s call this type of training “Workplace Communication Training.”  If you create and implement this type of training, then communication issues regarding age, gender, culture, race, and experience digresses and the focus leans more on the work itself.

Whether it is group training or individual training, each person in the office needs to understand and be fully aware of his/her purpose on the team or within the office.  This training can be as simple as a staff meeting to go over how and with whom to address and resolve certain issues.  The training should be as frequent or routine with anytime a new operative is presented.  Consider the following standards.

Identify Roles

Who is head of the team? Who completes certain tasks?  Who addresses which problems? Having an “Order of Operations” lets everyone know who to speak to about certain tasks or topics.  You won’t speak to the IT person about ordering coffee for the office or ask the receptionist to create a sales proposal, right?  Each person should have a title and with that title, comes expectations.

Outline Expectations

Even though employment expectations may be mentioned during orientation, it is also good to openly discuss what you expect from an employee.  Highlight performance details and the results you want.  Give examples using skills the employee may already have or can easily attain.  Also, go over other expectations such as work hours, attire, and communication requirements or tools.  You may think this is remedial information but, you’d be surprised how some employees may think, “No one told me, so I don’t have to do it.”  Not setting expectations gives opportunities for issues among other employees.  They may chatter about unfair business practices that can cause disgruntled workers.  Keep in mind, unhappy employees may not deliver good results.  

Structure Tasks

Who does what?  Is there a backup?  There is a beginning, middle, and end to a task. When a new project comes along or if a change that needs to be had, delegate who is responsible for what part.  Also, delegate a backup person to assist if needed or necessary.  Make sure everyone understands what needs to be done and explain why it needs to be done.  When employees get the full scope of a project, they are more willing to do their part to meet goals and deadlines.  

Set Goals and Deadlines

When does the task or project need to be completed?  Be clear of an end date for a project or assignment.  Create goals throughout the process to ensure everyone is focused and on task and make each person accountable for their part, including the manager or team leader.  Do not allow anyone to not be present or to not have their part done and ready.  Setting the tone is imperative and allows each person to know what will and will not be tolerated.

Miscommunication will occur but, lack of communication is preventable.  If something is miscommunicated or not thoroughly addressed, do you think lack of communication will fix it?  This is business; this is not your family reunion with relatives you see once or twice a year, so it’s okay to be vague. No. 

What is that phrase? ”Change is inevitable.”  So guess what, effective and consistent communication is necessary.  As the nature and environment of businesses change and faces come and go, we all need to work better at communicating with one another.  Ideally, you want to keep personal matters at bay, although at times you may get close to some of your co-workers or not even favor others at all, but do not let that hinder your position in the office and be the narrative of how you speak to each other.  You do not want to be the source of communication problems where people are not confident in coming to you about work concerns OR the opposite, people being too comfortable coming to you about concerns that they lose sight of their own expectations.

You make up a part of a team no matter your title; your professional involvement is required.  If you want your business to function well and be lucrative, you need to actively and frequently discuss work matters with your co-workers and employees, especially if and when issues arise.  If we put aside our biases and personal differences, it will allow us to effectively discuss what the business needs to thrive.

Let’s communicate.

"Office Housework" is keeping women in their place?

Sometimes women blur the lines between home and office. Many of us are natural "caterers", we automatically volunteer to do certain tasks that are not in our job description because we want to be helpful, but we have to realize that being a homemaker in the office does not earn us that raise. And if a woman is getting a raise for cleaning up the break room after everyone, that is not the type of raise I want.

'Office Housework' is non-promotable tasks such as organizing birthday lunches and or planning the holiday party. As I read through 3 different articles that explained this term, I almost felt degraded, stripped of my education and work experience, because in my office, I am the one "expected" to do these exact things; set up the lunches, call around for catering, run and pick up the food if there is no delivery....what the whole fck have I been subjecting myself to?! Although, I have been great at doing these things, not one of these tasks elevated my position.

New York Times published an article which stated,

...according to  new research published in the Harvard Business Review. The study found that volunteering for what it called “nonpromotable tasks” at the office can actually shift your career into reverse. And the report showed that those who say yes to thankless tasks — like planning holiday parties, filling in for absent colleagues or serving on low-level committees — are 48 percent more likely to be women.

Women are more expected to complete these non-promotable tasks over men. In my experience, this is 100% accurate. Why? Well, the perception and sometimes explanation has been that anyone else is too busy, does not have the time, is not as good at the task, or just does not want to do it...Oh, I suppose I must have so much free time in my workday that I need more to do...or maybe it is because I am good at what I do and do not complain when there is an obstacle and people assume that my job is "simple", so why not throw another simple task my way, eh? (This is sarcasm for those who didn't get it.)

Also, in the same Harvard Business Review article, it claimed that women of color are asked to do more office housework tasks...insert the stale face look. Are we so numb to the propaganda that society has set upon us that we do not even realize what we are doing or being asked to do when this occurs? I am not going to dive too deep in this thought, but I am appalled.

My stance on this is not about equality between men and women, it is about employers, managers, and co-workers being aware of what they are asking others to do. You want a Christmas party? Great! Call an event planner for that. Yes, there are services that do just that and commissioning them will keep your employees focused on their jobs at hand. Or how about this? Create a team of co-workers to put together an event and assign a function to each person, not just throw 97% of the responsibility to one person while the remaining 3% is someone else sending email invitations.

Look, when I am at a party or event and whether or not I am the host, for the most part I like to make sure everyone is comfortable, has eaten, is enjoying themselves, the tables are clean, and the trash is not over-flowing, but in the office, my priority is making sure my data reports are accurate, I am able to make deadlines, and reaching my performance goals. A job expectation of me should not be to feed co-workers between certain hours on a particular day. It may be a nice gesture, but unfortunately, that is all it is. It does not earn me a raise or a promotion. It only earns me a chance to be asked to do the same thing again when someone else has a birthday or another big holiday comes along.

Although I am serious about my career, my career is not my husband and my office is not my home, so there are some homemaking skills and benefits my employer should not be getting from me. Yeah, I will bring something to the potluck. Yeah, I will check to see if the caterer has the correct address, but while at work, women should be focusing their time and energy on advancement and making the highest impact with their job or careers, not wiping down the break room table because everyone else is too "busy" to do it.

Let Him Lead

As independent as women have become over the years either by force or by nature, we are sill NOT men. Let the men be men.

No, I am not advocating to set women back to the kitchen and to stay there, I am advocating sensible gender roles. A man is masculine; a woman is feminine. I do not mind making sure a man eats or prepare a plate for him before I feed myself, although, if he is a gentleman, he’ll make sure I eat as well.

In traditional dancing practices, men lead, correct? Men hold out their hand for the woman to lay hers upon and then the gentleman leads his lady to the dance floor to begin the waltz. As strong willed as I may be, I prefer a man to lead the way…well a man who has a good sense of direction, I won’t be led to oblivion.

Ladies, please be aware when a man is taking you the wrong direction.

• You are losing money, bills are not being paid, etc.

• You are constantly questioning his behavior or he seems unstable

• He is making you second guess yourself or your values

• He is asking you or expecting you to compromise your well being

If we share a home, I expect him to be head of the household and make choices that is best for us, although I’d like to be included in the decision making process. Even if we don’t share a home, but we are still in a committed relationship with a promising future together, I still want to be involved in what plans he may have. You see, part of being a good leader is getting input from those you are leading to ensure you make the best decisions for everyone. Talk to me about what is on your mind. Talk to me about any confusions you may have. Talk to me about an idea that could benefit us. I need for him to think things through and think about how changes would affect the both of us and our family. Yes, that IS the responsibility of leading a home, making sure we ALL come up together…otherwise, I KNOW I can do better by my damn self.

Let’s be clear, it is not only allowing him to lead, but it is also being sure that he is capable to be the leader and if he is not, should you really consider a relationship with him? Ladies, let’s not be o blinded by his image, his p——, or a few sweet gestures, that we throw out all our good sense and put him on an undeserving pedestal. There are so many great man out here, let’s not allow the unable to keep us from being able.

Are You Running From Her?

Do men run from women? I never really dove into this thought but, it is a concept we should consider. Are there in fact men who are aware that there is a great woman in front of them but, they do not seize the opportunity to court her because of “projects” they still need to complete within themselves?

Hmmmm…..

In my opinion, men don’t run from women, unless I’m old (which I am getting up there in age) but, I have never heard of a man running from a woman. I have heard of a man being too intimidated by women but, never running from one. Maybe these new aged kids are scared of women but, not any man I know.

I think that men who have set goals for themselves and have conditioned themselves to be disciplined in making sure they reach those goals are not going to cater to a relationship because it is not a priority for them. Ladies, we should respect that. Let that man be great. If he wants to go conquer the world, let him go do it. Support him as much as you are willing to, BUT DO NOT SIT YOUR ASS AT HOME WAITING FOR HIM TO BE READY! And if it will cause damage to your heart to keep communication with him….then Honey, LET HIM GO. You can only be patient but so much.

But, let’s also consider this, You can be a great woman and still not be the caliber of woman a certain man needs to be conducive to his life. I know a lot of great men but, that does not mean they are a good fit for me. If that is the case, don’t let it hurt your ego.

We women are naturally conditioned to support, to love, to cater. So it may be harder for us to come to terms with the facts that a man is not ready for us. No one is to blame.

Ladies, you have to understand the reality of your relationship with a man. Fellas, you too. Understand what you are able and willing to give or not give. And make it clear to those who may have affections for you..

Find yourself before finding your husband/wife.

Not Equal

Men and Woman are really not equal.

What I expect of a woman is far different than what I expect of a man.

Society paints a man to be chivalrous, open doors, pick up the check, fix things around the house, be the driver.  I agree to all of this and although, I personally expect every man to have this mindset, I don't think the same behaviors for a woman.  Isn't it odd to think a woman should open a door for a capable man?  And what's a man really worth if he can't fix minor things?

Let's be ALL THE WAY REALISTIC, society still sees a woman as the secondary of the household, so the standard and the expectations of a woman is NOT the same of a man

Of course I feel that a woman has the capability to provide for, manage, and maintain her home without a man but, I am still NOT a man.

If I decide to welcome a man into my life, to my family, to my children, then I do expect him to be that masculine presence.  Take out the trash, mow the grass or pay the yard people, make sure my car gets an oil changed and the breaks fixed.

One thing I am not ashamed to admit is that I know nothing when it comes to what is wrong with a car or what it needs, except for oil changes - only because my car tells me so.  But, anytime I go in for the routine oil change, I always get a 'suggested' repair list.  When this happens I usually decline and call my father later to ask his opinion.  Although, there have been times when I called my father in front of the service tech and put the call in speaker phone.  My husband will take over this role. 

Moving on, how does this translate in business?  

Men tend to get the upper hand because the are seen a stronger of the two sexes.  They are seen as closers, as deal makers, the head of the meeting because their minds do not attach to emotions like a woman's mind does. 

Yes, men have and show emotions but, they connect and disconnect them when needed or when convenient for them.  The only time a man's emotions should remain connected is when he is married or in a relationship that is important to him.  

Many women cannot easily disconnect.  We are not normally engineered that way.  We hold on to things that are not good or healthy for us because of our emotions.  This makes us a liability.  This makes us unpredictable...especially for a single woman in business.  We are either seen as the ball busting bitch or the woman who cannot be given a higher position because her "emotional infractions" won’t allow it.

Yet, in the passed few years, Women have making history in business, THEIR OWN BUSINESSES, because we are getting tired of being passed over for the elevated positions or only being offered positions that the general opinion depicts as being more 'fit' for women.

Okay, we'll take the positions that are more fit for us and turn around to make it more lucrative than what the world expected us to earn.

But, we'll still pay a man to do the manual labor.

Then call my dad or husband on speakerphone when the laborers are trying to get over!

Dear Men...and Women

Dear Men,

Let's not think I'm just here being a man-hater, I love you fellas, and trust me, I defend you guys more than you'll ever know, but I can't save you!

I get it, you don't understand why women are so emotional and always want to talk through things. You guys aren't built that way. I hate that shit too.

I get it, you don't understand why she's gets upset when you never asked her to be your girl and you're out there having your fun with other sweethearts.

I get it, you don't understand why she's not answering your calls when she's finally realized you weren't ready and moved on to someone who was.

Look Son... Yes, I'm calling you my son because you're just as childish as many of my female colleagues... Son, don't play with these females. Be up front with your intentions, I'm serious. Treat it like business, lay out what you want and what you can accept. If she agrees and behaves accordingly, great. BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO SET THE TONE ON WHAT 'TYPE' OF FRIENDSHIP OR RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH THIS WOMAN.

Yes, women will run with anything you give or show them. You give her access to the house, she will mark it partially hers!... Look, I can't explain everything that goes through our souls, I don't even fully understand us, so I know your ass ain't gonna get us! So, let's meet halfway.... I can't tell you that each encounter with a woman will be great but, I can tell you that you cannot be out here making these broads feel like they are the only one if they aren't. Just let them know, "Hey, I'm not looking for anything serious." Let her make the decision if she's cool with it. And if she starts acting up after that (because there are some women who say they are okay with it just to get in good but, afterwards try to change your mind)... Homie, you need to go out there and meet another one if she does this ....It may be a tedious routine but, hey if that's the life you want to live, then that's the protocol you'll need to keep executing.

Now Ladies, let's transition to you....

Men are NOT HARD to figure out. They are simple creatures. And they are considerate to the women they LOVE. << I'm going to come back to this. Men don't need you to over-explain and they tend to get irritated or distant when you over-exaggerate (be dramatic). Again, they are SIMPLE creatures. In relation to animals, men would be more like cats in behavior. They'll come to you when they want something but, for the most part they rather be unbothered.

Let's go back to the "Men are considerate to the women they Love" statement. A man's love for his mother or for his daughter will NOT match the love he will have for an outside woman, make note of this. It is all on what he decides to INVEST into YOU. Investments come in different amounts and are catered to what HE wants from you. Also note that consideration and respect go hand in hand so, he will respect you as much as he VALUES you. If you don't value your time and self, what tone are you setting for him?

Men love differently than women. And their emotional stance does not have the same capacity as ours. He may be infatuated with you one week and show you his best side but, next week it's different and now you label him an Asshole. Yet, you still give him grace because you are holding on to the potentials he shown you the first week. Men act accordingly to how they feel at the moment and if he does not truly love you, then you will never be a continuous thought before his actions.

Don't get caught up in your expectations of him. Go with what he shows and proves to you. Don't create something that doesn't have the resources to be realistic. Be honest with yourself about what type of man he really is instead of what you want to see in him. Good men don't hide who they are, you just have to know how to identify him. And he may NOT be ready to be good to YOU or any other woman. In which case, you CAN'T make him.

Think of this, in a man's life from birth to adulthood, he has a slew of women contributing to his psyche, his mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, cousins, neighbors, schoolmates, co-workers, etc. If you come along later in his life, your input may or may not be of value to him. The "You should not do this" type of conversations have most likely already fell on his ears before you came along, he just has not made any changes since then.

Don't ever claim a man who is not claiming you...

Your expectations of a man can and will cause most of your disappointments in men, especially in the men who you favor. Don't be bitter about the man who thought of you less, be bitter about the fact that you still hung on to him.

Wall Art Location: Yoga One Studios on 19th St, The Heights, Texas (Houston)

Artist: Ruben Rojas

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