It's Complicated

Relationships are tricky...one day you meet someone, you exchange contact information, you two hang out a few times, a kiss is involved, and BANG, you're in a relationship!

Just Kidding, I don't know how these things work, I just know getting into a relationship is not a simple as what it used to be...or at least how I thought is used to be.

Before, a boy would just ask, "Will you go out with me?" or "Will you be my girl?" and that made it official. But, this was acceptable on the playground during recess.

We're grown now.

Now, getting into a relationship almost requires thorough conversations of what both of you want to achieve mixed in with emotions, mixed in with sex (for those who are not following certain personal or religious obligations), mixed in with disagreements, mixed in with compromises, and so many other things that make a relationship work (these things can happen over time in the process of dating or courting)....BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS....WORK. You must put in the effort for it to thrive. You have to complete certain tasks to make money, right? Well, you have to put in consideration to keep cohesive involvement with your partner...P.S. - I still believe a man needs to ask a woman to be his lady for it to be official.

Relationship require time, attention, communication, and understanding.

The tricky part is keeping the momentum of love and appreciation at a level where the two of you are mindfully involved and still want to continue your lives together....and that formula, my friends, is unique to each relationship. I never ask too many questions or judge a relationship that has lasted years since there are infinite reasons why people stay together; reasons that may be taboo or frowned upon or reason that may just work for only that couple. Either way, EVERY relationship is complicated, it just depends on if the complications will break a bond or make it stronger.

Great Expectations

A man likes a fun girl but, he loves a classy woman. Well, at least the men I am attracted to.
Here is a summary of what I said in an archived post in March 2015:

One of the many things I've learned in "Womanhood" is: What a man expects from you is derived from how he perceives you.  It is not just your image but, also your behavior that plays a part in how a man treats you.  How you present yourself to him is who he expects you to be. 

In my post, Grooming, I talk about being a good woman that anyone can be proud to know, especially a man who you want close to you...not to say that everything we do should be based on a man's likes or dislikes but, if you are a woman who wants a relationship, a marriage, you have to be the type of woman that your type of man wants to marry because again...they are the ones who propose marriage.  

Going back to my opening statement, the men I admire appreciate women of class.  Look, I have my no-so-classy ways but, for the most part, I maintain a good level of sophistication.  As far as image, I'll wear a high slit dress, a backless dress, or a tight dress but, I'll make sure the most of me is covered and if I decide to wear anything suggestive, it's because I feel comfortable and safe with the person I am wearing it for...You can read between those lines. 😉

I place women on a high pedestal because I know we are the better of the two sexes...this is not up for debate.  We are highly intelligent creatures but yes, sadly not all of us utilize our powers for the better.   To achieve our greatness, we have to groom ourselves to fit the lifestyle we have or want.  Having expectations for others can be unrealistic but, having great expectations for ourselves is something we can attain.  The only way a man or anyone can take my greatness from me is if I ALLOW IT.  And if someone is taking that value from me then I have question my self-esteem, to grant a person the opportunity to strip me of my worth.

Ladies, I expect you to be amazing because you were born to be just that.

Let's Not Waste Our Time

"How long is forever?...

....Sometimes, just a second."

- Lewis Carroll

At church, a guest speaker stated, "What you have today, you traded time for."

This thought stuck with me since I consider 'Time' to be a man-made entity used to organize our duration here. Time is really all we have, all we truly own. You can make the most of it or you can make the least of it....but, let's not waste it.

I get so bothered when I hear women (and sometimes men) vent about people they are "dating"...Why are you wasting YOUR TIME and giving him undeserved grace?

All these GREAT men out here and you wanna waste your free time with that clown? 🙄 How long have you known him? What has he shown you in that time? And how much did you "overlook" to see if maybe he may be a "good one"? 😶

If you have common ties together (children, business, housing, a proposal, etc.) then it's not always as simple to break away...you must plan your escape in these cases... BUT, if there is nothing you possibly need to seek lawyers about, WALK AWAY, WALK SWIFTLY AWAY! 🏃🏽‍♀️ Keep in mind, the type of man you have...or think you have...says a lot about the type of woman you are. 🤐

I went through years of not being "great" because of who I choose to keep ties with. At my age, we're too old to be going in circles with those who don't bring balance and value. Leave the running for the kids. I'm cruising. 😏

I Love You But...

I'd like to be with someone I enjoy sharing my life with but, also leaves me alone most of the time.

Over recent years I've created my own space which I love.  This doesn't mean I am not willing to open my time to someone, he just needs to be open to who I am.

No, I'm not planning to gallivant with many men or hoe myself around.  I don't even do that now.  No, I will be loyal to him and as accommodating to our relationship as we see comfortable for one another.

In a marriage, you are still TWO separate people coming together as a union.  You are not becoming ONE person.  My needs are just as important as yours.  Do not make a decision about our household or our family without my input or even considering my input.  Do not feel that what you say or think holds more weight than what I say or think.  

Just because a woman may take her husband's last name does not mean he has the only say.  He is the leader, yes but, even a good leader listens to his community.  I want my husband to confide in me, take comfort with me, ask for my advice, listen to my sorrows, ease my pain, and not walk away from me.  One of the biggest heartaches you can feel is feeling alone when your are not supposed to be.

My next relationship will be a bit more challenging because not only have I grown from a young mindset, I am also bringing 2 children in the mix and if he has any, then we will definitely need to discuss how to blend our families.  For the most part, I expect it to be trial and error but, if he and I want it to work then we will see through any and all errors for the sake of love.

I went back and read a post I published in 2015 about what I don't want from a man, my list remains the same today….

Things I will not accept from a man before he has potential to become my husband. 

• While dating, he does not invite me to places outside his home - No explanation necessary.

• He does not give me my space - We are individuals, I will already have things in place that I must tend to without him. Don't be disgruntled about it.

• He is controlling - We both have thoughts and opinions, he should be open to mine as I am open to his.

• He is needy - I will cater to the one I am involved with but, I will not be at his every beckoned call. If you knew how to take care of yourself before me, then the benefit of me is to assist, not to assume all your needs.

• His truth is not his real truth - He can tell me anything, I have no reason not to believe him until he gives me a reason, just do not sugar coat anything.

• He does not know how to be around children - If my kids don't like him, neither do I.

• He is not personable - I am social, if we are out, he cannot be on the wall

• He does not plan for ANYTHING - I am a planner, especially when it comes to events, surprises, trips, night outs, etc. I do not want to have to do this all the time.

• He is not money conscious - I work hard to maintain financial stability, he will not hinder that for me or expect me to finance BOTH our lives.

• He cannot cook - I cook, he should too.

• He does not like or understand my wayward humor - I say things that may be inappropriate just for laughs, if you take offense, then he will never understand me.

• He does not make me laugh - Don't be a bummer.

• You were not my friend first - The foundation starts here, don't try to skip over this.

Gold Digging Clarified

This is one of the funniest statements I've ever heard! It's mean but, here is perspective...and read fully before catching an attitude towards me thinking I'm being arrogant or stuck-up.

In high school and a little time afterwards, "Call Center" jobs were the ones to get. (Mainly with credit card companies.) If you remember MBNA, you were the business if you worked there. I worked there and I worked at Discover Card at different times. At a young age this was considered a good job; reasonable hours, good benefits, and you can earn commission if you get the caller to purchase some type of protection plan or program.

Fast forward to the present, the salary of an average call center representative cannot afford 85% of my lifestyle.  I cannot speak for everyone but, much of the middle class home has graduated to the upper middle class status and expenses have only increased.

This is not about "Call-Center Salaries" I have nothing against call center jobs nor is this about making 6 figures a year, a person can still do well with 50K-65K if they manage their money well.  

No. This is about men who automatically think a woman is looking for his finances to be well endowed.  Yes, it is good for a woman to know whether or not you can handle your own expenses and if she were to be added to your life, could you afford both of your expenses?  Not assuming she does not have her own income. I know several women who could spend thousands without blinking, they just choose to live humbly. 

Sir, analyze your salary before making this assumptions of a woman's intentions for your bankroll.  Sitchoass down.

P.S. I don't come across men like this anymore, my last laugh at this was in my early 20s. Yet, that is not to say after 30 everyone has their shit together.  I'm still trying to balance all the dynamics of my life but, one thing I have learned about myself is that I am not going to allow a man to believe that I need him to survive.  NO SIR.  If you are stable under your own definition, that's wonderful but, don't think that every woman is trying to benefit off your stability.

Then again if we refer to "traditions", a man is expected to be stable enough to take care of a wife, home, and family.  Sometimes men, whom are actually well off, just attract women who want to be taken care of.  I guess it all depends on what a man sees suitable for him.  If his mentality is very traditional then my argument is really directed to those who have a conflict with what they classify as materialistic women.  But then don't be a materialistic man with a materialistic attitude.  Especially if your lifestyle is all smoke and mirrors.

Times Up #MeToo

I've been reading about the Times Up movement and all the statements and articles that have been publicized.  I do agree that men should know their limits with women, I also believe they should not abuse their authority to obtain anything they want from women.

BUT....

There are still so many women who play on the fantasies with men.  The Times Up Movement is not for woman who just had a bad date or no longer interested in the a man she once allowed to knock her off in the men's bathroom at a nightclub.

No, the Movement is for those who did not have a voice when they were being violated by men of a certain stature.

Yet, I do want to mention that society plays a part in today's sexual influence; advertising food, cars, and events with half naked women.  Everything we see is highly sexualized...I mean, have you seen some of these middle-schoolers today?!  Does this excuse a man to act as he wants?  Fck no. But women need to know where to draw the line as well. 

Yes, I expect to get some backlash about this because there are flaws on both sides of the spectrum.

I've always preached that women need to hold themselves to a high degree of intelligence, professionalism, and discipline.  We CAN get what we want without laying down.  But if you want to be a hoe, go ahead and let you freak flag fly, sweetheart.  Just remember, there are consequences to your behavior.

If you decided to use your body to get ahead, how do you expect men to view you?  If you continue to allow a man to mistreat you or demand certain activities from you, why would he think that you feel wronged?  Even if the actions are morally or ethically wrong, if it is allowed to continue, what value do you have for yourself? When do you say, “Enough, I am not going to let him do this to me anymore!”?  As I read some of the stories, I wondered about their self-esteem, about their lifestyle choices, and the people around them who turned an eye.

This is not to bash women, I understand a woman being scared, feeling like no one will believe her, thinking nothing will change, or hoping that agreeing to certain advances will grant her other opportunities.  I do believe that some of these women who came forward did not have a voice at the time.  Sometimes when a woman is wronged, her basic knowledge of relationships or interactions with men is compromised; she shuts down and will not discuss anything until she feels it necessary.

But understand this...

WE WOMEN ARE A LOT MORE POWERFUL THAN SOME WANT US TO BELIEVE.

And when we band together....You betta pray your name isn't on the list.

There was a story about a medical professional abusing young gymnasts is BEYOND disgusting.  My opinions on men like that are extremely vexed.  This type of abuse of power is demeaning to our human understanding of medical professionals and their responsibility to keep us healthy.

When you use your authority to wield towards your benefit, NO, that is not justifiable.

Grooming

We groom ourselves for certain triumphs.  Study hard in high school for good grades to be accepted to the best colleges.  Practice our interview skills to land the best job.  Improve our craft to move up the ladder.  It's no different to being a single person wanting a certain type of relationship. 

People are not designed and engineered to be "made" for you.  We cannot expect a box from Santa with the perfect partner inside. (Dear Santa, I need a man over 6', who dresses well, does what he says he's going to do, a good protector, loves me with his whole heart, and makes me smothered pork chops when I'm having a bad day.)  Reality: We cannot expect for someone to automatically know how to respond to us.  What we can do is set guidelines for ourselves.

Be a woman any man can be proud of, whether associate, friend, colleague, or partner.

The other day, I admitted to a man that I was a bit ashamed of the some of the choices I made when I first met him.  I explained that as a woman, I placed expectations of myself to NOT be a particular type of woman.  He differed with my words and stated I had no reason to be ashamed which, I can emphasis that a man's perspective will be different from my own and I don't expect anyone to always see my point of view.

As a woman, a single woman, a mother, a single mother, I personally feel I need to behave in a certain manner.  I need to make decisions that will not negatively impact my life or those who depend on me.  When it comes to men, I need to be extremely careful with how I behave because I do not want to be thought of as a woman who should not be taken seriously or a woman who can easily be broken.

I can honestly say, No man I've met in the last few years has placed me in the category of  a woman he can degrade or demoralize.  Yay me...but, if a man decides to talk to me cray, all hell will break loose!

It's not just grooming myself for a great husband, it's more so grooming myself to be a good, respectable woman with or without a husband. 

Waiting for Who?

I don't date, not because there is not any suitable men.  There are plenty.  

I don't date, not because I'm secretly wanting my ex to come back around.  He already tried and it ain't happening.  

I don't date, not because I think I'm not worthy of a good man.   I'll make any man happy and proud.  

I don't date, not because my standards are too high or I'm superficial.  My wants fit the lifestyle which I've accustomed myself to.  

I don't date, not because I'm "waiting".  Waiting for who?

No, I don't date because I have a list of ventures I need to achieve before giving my time and attention to someone other than myself and my children.

I'm still BUSY.

And the audacity of some men to think or assume that a single woman is single because there is something wrong with her is asinine! Or that she is putting more strain on herself by remaining single is more ridiculous!  How about you fools SEE ME LESS!

What I've witnessed from the past 6 years of being single is that some men say they like a woman who is ambitious, keeps a steady schedule, and wants the most out of life, but when the man wants attention that isn't available to give, there is a problem.  I don't tolerate problems, especially if I'm not dating you and if I don't consider you any kind of friend then I don't owe you any of my attention.  And I'm not apologetic about it.

Don't get me wrong, there are men who are very understanding and I appreciate them, they applaud my growth and want me to be amazing; they accept me as I am and give me my space to be great, but these other men....need to stay out of my path.

Let me tell you something...."I'm not over here waiting to be rescued.  There is nothing wrong with my self-esteem, if anything, my self-esteem is too high!  I like my life and I like my progress.  Is it perfect? NO.  Is it easy? NO.  But, I'm not complaining and I'm surely not about to have some man come in and change or dictate everything that I've done and I also won't let him come into my life and reap all my benefits without providing equivalency or stability."

I don't ask for much because I'm getting it myself but, if you cannot ADD value, then don't try to take value from me.

The Newer You

You should never not be learning or bettering yourself. 

Every decision you make, every path you turn to, every experience you have allows you to be "Renewed". The way you think effects how you behave, how you live.  You cannot keep doing the same things, keeping the same connections, reacting the same way and wanting different results...that's insanity.

I've taken many different routes in my life and my way of thinking changed with each route.

I have learned to not be the one who "knows everything", the one who "must have the last word", the one who needs to have "all the answers", the one who "talks the most", the one who is "always defensive", the one who has to "argue my point of view".

I have learned to be humble, to listen, to receive guidance, and to deliver knowledge as I see appropriate.  You will never be able to control anyone else around you but, you can always learn to control yourself and how you view the world.  Not everyone will agree with you because how someone else understands will not be the same as how you understand but, if you are at peace with yourself, their disagreements will not affect how you continue to live.

Stay blessed my friends.

Can you Survive It?

Can you survive an open relationship?

Having an open relationship generally means you and your partner agree to date/sleep with other people without recourse.  Could you be okay with this arrangement?  Does this mean you don't love each other?  Is there more chance of separating?  What if your partner falls in love with the other person?  What are the rules?

I do not think this is a "NEW" way of how relationships can function.  I believed this has been an option (even if it is the last) and reality for many couples for many decades. 

For myself personally, it is not in my make-up to be with someone other than my partner, yet do I think my partner should practice the same discipline?  Ideally, yes. 

In a recent post I stated:

"All I ask of my partner is to be good to my health and my heart.  However he translates that or acts on that is on him.  As my husband, I expect a man to handle me as his wife, a woman who he placed on a high pedestal and who he promised to love, cherish, and protect."

Read full post HERE.

What a man is not going to do is have our lives play out like a reality tv show where I can clearly see him kissing face with someone else.  No sir, you can pack your shit now!  Some men are out here creating new relationships while still involved in one.  The moment you begin to invest into someone else is the same moment your home begins to crack.

With a celebrity reference, a Hip-hop artist mentioned that his wife said, "It's not the cheating that hurts, it's the type of bitches he cheats with." 

We can translate this is many ways...

Yes, it is a bit questionable when a man decides to entertain a woman who is completely opposite from his wife.  The wife may wonder why he would be attracted to someone who does not have her same values or qualities.  But, think about it; he married her for those characteristics; gallivanting with someone of the same nature would be more threatening, No?

Similar to my past, the man I was with for many years invested in someone who was not like me at all.  I did not see the attraction but, over time I cared less and less about this ordeal and let them go off on a journey together while I ventured on to a better life. Men, you cannot give 2 women at the same time the same promises. You are setting the tone completely wrong...hence my last post.

And, Ladies, you cannot control a man with your pu**y.  As good as it may be, there are plenty of other women throwing it to him.  The defining character will be the caliber of man HE IS.  Is he a man of messiness or a man of thoughtfulness? Messy men bring home distractions, babies and, other women to your doorstep. Thoughtful men bring home conversation, love, and attention.

Granted, wrong is wrong and once the vows are said, no one should be stepping outside their marriage but, I am going to be aware of other possibilities.   The issue is, how do you stop from emotions getting involved?

Regardless of what a Husband and Wife decide to do, the Love and the Home should never be at risk.  The moment your Peace is compromised, there is a problem.  *And there are many people who do not know how to truly fortify their marriages.  These are the ones that fail.

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Men Set The Tone

I know I've said this countless times before but since it's inevitable for people to misdirect themselves or others, let me continue to say it....

Men set the tone for a relationship because Men propose the relationship.

Let me repeat....MEN (the ones with a penis and an Adam's apple) set the tone for a relationship because MEN propose the relationship. 

It's interesting the type of men who come across me these days. And the ques they don't think I pick up on or see as a red flag.  Maybe because no one has addressed it with them or they just feel they should take a shot anyway.  Who knows but, I'm going to make you aware of what I see to be an issue.

A man told me he was going through a divorce. His soon to be ex has been giving him a hard time through the trials and they have a young child together.  After telling me all the details of how he feels and the type of man he is, caring, hard working, understanding of all women's wants and needs, etc., he then attempts to ask if I'd like to go out sometime. 

Really sir????

I told him I'm a different mindset in my life and not interested. I also told him it takes time and whether or not he has bad feelings towards his ex, she and their son will need time to accept and process everything. 

Had I accepted his pass, I'd be accepting that I'm going on a "date" with a MARRIED MAN since their divorce is not final yet. And from what this man has revealed, he ex is still sensitive about the divorce so I'm opening myself up to unnecessary drama. Plus, he has a young child, I would expect for the man to make sure his child gets through the divorce before trying to pursue a new woman. — This is the tone he wanted to set?

If you are going to approach a woman with the intentions of something more, approach her fully free of whatever past or obstacle that may hinder you from being great for her and approach her fully prepared to accept the type of woman she is...whether or not something comes of it.  Not every connection is meant to be more.

Once a relationship is started, the man continues to set the tone within the union. BUT, a woman also sets the tone for how a man treats her and behaves towards her. And Women sure as hell should never, NEVER EVER, chase a man.

The issue we face today is that the ratio of men to women is lower than the ratio of women to men. Men have far more to chose from and they know it. And sometimes there is no standards with them — as long as she is pretty and does what he wants. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of men, but women are a bit more meticulous when choosing partners.

Better Decisions

I really need women to make better decisions, especially those who keep making the same bad ones. Yes, it is great to take risks but, if you know the risk is going to give you the same result, then What.The.Whole.F are your doing? Reevaluate yourself; you cannot change others but, you can change how you react to others.

DISCLAIMER: I'm hard on women because I know how we can be. AND because I've been the silly girl before.

I'm definitely not innocent of making bad decisions, I've made PLENTY! But, instead of making the same ones over and over again, I had to look at myself and list what I could have done better or different.

You really cannot be mad or overly dramatic at someone else for the results of your poor decision making. This may be hard for some people to accept because most people have "hope" for making questionable choices...and sometimes that's blind hope.

When I was younger, my father would tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself when I was moping around the house complaining or feeling defeated. I didn't understand why he didn't comfort me more but, now I understand it.

As I see people around me, complain and talk about how bad things are for them, I begin to do a blank stare. Especially, with people who just need to make better decisions or just need to decide on SOMETHING and follow through!

❓ Don't like your job?

Take a class, get a certification, earn a degree, begin a business, add to your resume and move on. You think that's too much? Then stop fckn complaining about your job!

❓ Don't like being broke?

Well, I guess you'll need to evaluate your income vs your spending!

This part was hard for me since I like fancy things but, I had to buckle down and set aside my money in 4 categories: Bills, savings, kids, and personal spending. I've also opened myself to having more than one stream of income. If I like spending, I need to be making.

BUT WOMEN REALLY MAKE THE WORST DECISIONS WHEN IT COMES TO MEN...

❓❓ Don't like your relationship? Welp, again you can't change others but, you can change your level of happiness. So, stop fckn acting like you're confused or don't understand why things aren't going right. Move the fck on! Many of times, YOU are the reason for your broken heart; holding to someone who you know isn't for you. It's like you're saying to yourself, "Okay, I'm good to get hurt again."

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

90% of Women, Is this True?

I was scrolling through my social media feed and saw this...

I read a few comments that followed this and saw some backlash from women and men over this statement.  Yet, I cannot be sure if Trevor Noah actually said these words and I'm not one of those people that think...It's on the internet, he musta said it! 

Whether or not he said this, I can see some TRUTH in this statement. 

There are still a large number of women who believe it is their right or even responsibility to appease men in exchange for a "comfortable" life. Meaning keep looking gorgeous and keep up with his libido.  Instagram is full of beautiful women showing their "surface" to lure attention. I suppose we may be asking to much if we want these women to show another side of them like cooking, speaking in a motivational seminar, or volunteering in the community…I mean, that’s not sexy right? (Sarcasm people). Pretty images and sex relate to one another. Ladies, how many times have you seen an Hanes ad with a man only in his brief and think, “Yeah, I’d give it all to him.”   But men are not innocent in this either; you guys like to look as much as women like to show and there are men who are willing to spend the money to get the pretty trophy.

But let’s look into a deeper aspect. Oscar Wilde wrote in one of his books, “Woman love with their ears, just as men love with their eyes. If they ever love at all.” This thought has been rephrased over and over such as, “Women are emotional lovers and men are physical lovers.” etc.

Keep in mind, sometimes you get what you see. Yes, sometimes all it is is just a pretty face and a woman who expects to be a “kept woman”. Although fellas, if that is what you want, then don’t mind my thoughts.

Yet, sometimes you will run across an overly filtered picture and that pretty face isn’t what you recognize in real life….catfish anyone?

Personally, I never want to give a man the financial upper hand over me.  His money may be important, but so is mine.

For so long now, I have subconsciously been striving to not be part of this 90%  or whatever percent the truth is.  I don't have to make more money than a man or even have the same salary but, I do have to make enough money to obtain my own wants and needs.  And as for sex, that is our private business.

Yes, in general the sexes love differently, but it is only looks/sex and money that get us there? What is it that keeps us in a relationship or even “in love” for that matter? Comfort? Stability? Not wanting to start over? Fear of being alone? Tradition?

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Forgiveness & Apologies

We all have flaws and make faults onto others, but should it always be held against us? Especially if we've changed our mindset?

Forgiveness isn't just a religious practice, it's for you to gain peace of mind. It is for you to release a burden that can imprison your heart. We forgive for us. Similar to an apology, many times an apology is more for the person giving it than the one receiving it. They are intended for all parties to feel better. But, sometimes only one side is granted the benefit.

If you are apologizing, what is the purpose? You did something wrong and you want to share your acknowledgment of the disappointment you presented. Yet, the fact that you acknowledged your faults is an unwritten achievement within yourself. So, apologizing is an attempt for others to know that you've already identified what you need to work on.

If you are the one receiving an apology, how does it make you feel? Are you released of the disappointment or do you still feel slighted? In which case, why hold that grudge? Once you get over being hurt, does hearing an apology change anything within you? Within your life? The upside is the fact that you've now heard someone state their flaw.

I'll accept any apology given to me but, if I'm waiting on someone to apologize then I need to question why I'm holding on to that feeling. Why do I need to hear "I'm sorry" to gain closure, peace, or freedom? What good does it do me to "expect" an apology?

I usually forgive before ever hearing an apology.

A Two Household Marriage

So I knew I was not the only one, I also knew I was not crazy for thinking what I think...

There ARE marriages where the Husband and Wife live in two separate homes!

I stumbled upon 2 separate stories of  2 women whom have been married for more than 5 years and they live separate from their husbands...AND IT WORKS! One couple only lives down the street from each other, while another lives in two separate cities.  And I am most certain there are more marriages similar to this.

Although, what really touched my soul about both stories is that the WOMEN requested this arrangement because they wanted to continue to have their space! AND the Husbands cover the expenses for both homes!

Okay, okay...let me get myself together.

And let's be clear, What is ideal for one marriage may not be ideal for another.  

The only reason this type of marriage is a thought for me is not because I cannot live with someone else but, because of the woman I have become and the type of lifestyle I like...having my time, my space, my "freedom" to still be an individual. But before you start screaming at me saying, "Then don't get married!" Hear me out....

1. It will still be a functional marriage with love, support, compassion, and understanding.  I won't love my husband less, I will still support him equally, my compassion is for my marriage, and the understanding is between my husband and I. 

2. My husband doesn't need to pay for the second home or cover the expenses, I can do that. Or it can come out of our mutual bank account.

3. We will have keys to both houses, this type of arrangement does not allow me to shut my husband out or vice versa.  He can come to my house whenever he wants to because it is his house too. 

4. If my spouse is not okay with this arrangement, then I am perfectly fine with sharing a home together because number 1 still stands. In no way do I feel this is the ONLY way a marriage will work.  No, I just agree that sometimes traditional marriages are not best for everyone.

I'm sure many women and some men are thinking, "How can you trust your spouse won't cheat?"

Well my answer would be, "Do you know who you married?"

Granted, you may never fully know the thoughts of another person, but if you are going to say "Yes" or "I Do" then you are accepting everything you already know about this person.  The good and the possibly bad.  No matter who or how your husband is, there will always be women who want him and it is the same the other way around.  Know who you married.

 All I ask of my partner is to be good to my health and my heart.  However he translates that or acts on that is on him.  As my husband, I expect a man to handle me as his wife, a woman who he placed on a high pedestal and who he promised to love, cherish, and protect.

I'm sure people will still consider me crazy for this way of thinking.  Like I said, this is not ideal for all marriages but, let's not rule it out as an option.

You Don't Go Together

Just because you are "talking" to someone, doesn't mean you go together...

Ladies, if he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and you have not agreed,  you don't go together! Yes, it's like a marriage proposal, the man asks and the woman says yes or no...I'm pretty sure I've said this many, MANY, times in previous posts.

He can tell you he likes you.

He can tell you how good of a woman you are.

He can tell you that he really depends on you.

He can tell you that you're not like other women.

He can tell you he's not seeing anyone. 

He can even tell you he loves you.

BUT, if he has not asked you to be his lady, YOU. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

It doesn't matter if you had/have sex with him or if he seems like the type who doesn't sleep around, YOU. STILL. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

Look, I was once the woman who took many things a man said to me and ran with it. 

Yeah, he wants to be with me, he's just figuring things out right now.

No, we're really together or dating, it's just complicated.

Yeah, he really does like me, he just doesn't know how to express himself. 

LIFE LESSON: Don't run with scissors.

Here are some more signs that you don't go together...interchangeable to men and women.

• When you make it known you are having a bad day or having a rough week and (s)he doesn't check up on you or if (s)he does but, doesn't follow up.  - I'm guilty of this. I may initially express my concern, but that's it, I rarely check back for an update. BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't respond to your calls or texts. - I'm guilty again. I'll read a message and never answer or respond days later, no matter who is reaching out to me and BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't make an effort to make plans with you or spend valuable time with you. - Busy is busy but, you make time for those you want to keep in your life; I may move my schedule around for someone, but until he officially asks me, I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

So people, let's do our best to avoid girl/boyfriend emotions when you weren't even allowed that position.  Also hear this, If you are not legitimately in a committed relationship with someone and your feeling get hurt, that is YOUR issue not his/hers.

Committed Relationship = Two people agree that they are exclusive and working towards combining their lives and making a future together.

And don't expect your non boy/girlfriend to come coddle you or be interested in "we need to talk" or "I need closure." WTF do you want to talk about?  WTF do you need closure for?  This ain't Oprah or Dr. Phil.  

It's like you putting your food in someone's refrigerator and you tell the person he can have it if he wants it.  You're hoping that he sees this act of generosity and will return the favor with equal affections but, instead he eats all the food, says "thank you" and then leaves the dishes in the sink for you to wash, because c'mon, you will do what you can to show this person you belong there.  And now you get upset and want to have a dramatic sit down to talk about it because you feel slighted.  WHY? You created this scenario!

**In some defenses, people don't automatically see the error of their way unless it is brought to their attention but, let's not hang too heavily on this notion since he's not your boyfriend. He's just someone who is in that gray area that you want to crossover with, instead of just letting it be and allowing him to filter himself into that role or filter himself out of your life.**

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a single broad who loves my space and doesn't require much attention.  Just feed me and tell me I'm pretty every now and then.

Learn to control your own emotions, or better yet, STOP trying to coax someone into wanting to be part of your future.

You can boohoo all you want to...

and he may entertain some of your tears but, if you are not his woman...

Some people, mostly men, already do not do well with emotions, so if you start with the water works, don't expect a clear and concise resolution. 

Honesty Moment: I am not the friend you should cry to if you have a broken heart.  I'm going to point the finger to YOU, and ask you what you did to get yourself in this mess. Now if everything you tell me directly points fault to the other person then, yes, I'll coddle your hurt feelings but until then, I'm scrutinizing YOU.

Sorry, a little harsh but, sometimes I have to give you guys some tough love.  Com'ere, and read this quote below...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

And yes, my friends get this same verbiage from me when they do silly shit and get their emotions wrapped up in a man who's not their boyfriend.

Do Men Settle?

When it comes to dating and relationships, women are always telling each other, "Never settle." Do men go through the same notions? 

The act of "settling" is best defined by the person who believes she has settled. It does not necessarily take away from the man, he could still be a great guy, but ultimately, he was not her ideal man or first choice. Hence, he did not meet a certain criteria for her but, overall he was good enough and she just wanted a relationship. 

Do men settle for a woman who was not his ideal match but, instead a woman who is just good enough? A woman who he feels will always be present in his life, no matter the circumstances? Or is it, that woman was always truly the one for him? Therefore, would he begin to condition his thoughts and feeling to adequately "accept" her?

Maybe men have settled into a lifestyle that has worked for them: those who have a way of talking a woman into doing what he wants by saying sweet affirmations and complimenting her in some form; those who have learned to disguise their ulterior motives very well; those who just have a way with women that can't be easily explained.  BUT, some women allow themselves to believe that if she does not appease a man, he will not consider her. Sighs to my fallen ladies whom are trapped in this way of thinking.

Honestly, men are simple beings, Fellas, I say that in the most loving way.  I believe men want different things at different times, and maybe from different people.  On Friday, he may just want sex.  On Saturday, he may just want to catch a movie.  On Sunday, he may just want to talk.  Each of these days may be with different people and the rest of the days, he may just want to be left alone.  The problem is, many men do not know how to articulate exactly what they want from a woman, and ladies, it's our fault…We get too emotional and too wrapped up on the wrong details.  We always want to know the WHY of things.  

Here is something to keep in mind: MEN DO NOT LIKE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES OR REVEAL THEIR FAULTS.  A woman's emotional state can cause a man to not be completely upfront with a her because she wants to harp on every fukcing minuscule detail that has nothing to do with the bigger picture and he does not want the headache.  The point is, if he wants to love you, he will love you and you will feel loved, not needing to question his every word or action.

If it takes years for a man to chose you (not years of consistent dating, just years of going back and forth with you), then I am eager to wonder why his heart was absent for you when yours wasn't absent for him.  Although, it is in our nature to be patient, yes?

So do men really settle or does it just take a long time for them to realize what's good for them? And was what is good from them someone they already had a relationship with or someone who was always there, no matter the status?

It’s a slippery slope when dealing with emotions and everyone’s wants are different. There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?”

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

She Did WHAT?!

Ladies, I don't want to judge but, I just cannot get my brain to wrap around the idea of it being "acceptable" for a woman to propose...

Let's just go ahead and emasculate a man completely and get down on one knee with a box from Jared's....

Let us women just take control of the relationship and weaken a man's dignity...

So, who is going to go dress shopping with him and make sure his figure looks great in a fitted gown?  Will he get french tips?  How high should his heels be?  Which bouquet will he pick out?  Will you cry when you see him walk towards you down the aisle with his hair and makeup all done?

Can you grasp my discontentment of this whole idea?

It is NOT MY PLACE to ask a man to be my husband.  I feel the same way about a woman proposing a relationship (if you've been reading my previous post, you already know this.)

Yes, I believe in a trusted and sacred union of two people but, I also believe a man's role is separate from a woman's role when it comes to being in this union.  We are equal in heart and can mentally balance each other but, a woman's position is not the same as a man's. 

I look to a man to lead us into a relationship further leading us into marriage.  However he decides to begin that path is mainly for his benefit, I either take the path with him and accepted what I am compromising or walk alone in another direction.

And let me not start on the men who allow their women to drop down on one knee to propose to them. Something in the relationship occurred or behaviors the man has displayed let his woman know that she has to take the first step to becoming husband and wife.  Maybe I'm too old school, maybe I need to get with the times, maybe I should just go sit my single ass down somewhere, but I will not and I repeat, I WILL NOT ASK A MAN FOR HIS HAND IN MARRIAGE!

Have a Strong Presence

A woman should never feel the need to be the "man" in the relationship.  Nor should a man be so inadequate that he allows a woman to dominate the relationship.

I have a strong personality but, I am not going to allow it to overshadow my partner and if there is a situation where I am too forthright in my opinions or actions without considering him, then I need him to call me out on it.  Don't disrespected me, but let me know that I overstepped my boundaries. 

And if I am not hearing you, find a way to help me understand, because if you back away, avoid addressing it, or just give in, then who is the head of this relationship? And why should this relationship continue if you don't want to make an effort?

Be proud of me and step in if I drift of into doing, saying, or being someone who may cause more concern than comfort.  Don't just be with me...be present with me.  Sometimes people can notice hairline cracks without anyone pointing them out. — I don't want cracks in my relationship…or a least I don’t want not significant enough for others to see.

A. MAN. SETS. THE. TONE. IN. THE. RELATIONSHIP.

As strong willed as I am, I am NOT the head of the relationship or household.  I will put aside bearings to allow a man to lead me...he may have to put me in my place a few times...respectfully...but, my place as a woman is not the same place of a man.

Even though I believe both people equally make a relationship work, I can empathize if a woman decides to be the one to make the adjustments to suit a man's life, ONLY IF she feels truly loved, protected, and provided for spiritually. 

A woman will do anything for a man when she feels loved...But ladies, let's not let the love blind us into making foolish decisions that leave us with egg on our faces.  Always remain smart about what you are willing and able to do.  If he loves you, he will understand and not put you in a position where you need balance what he wants and what you are not comfortable with.

Preparing for You

I'm a professional creeper, who is overly dramatic, living through filters, doesn't know when to stop eating, complains about my weight but, won't exercise, likes to shop, prefers my lighting to be just right, and is emotionally unavailable = why I am single.

There is some truth to my above foolishness, so let me explain...

For many years, I've not had to consider anyone's plans but, my own.  I've not had to coddle a man's emotions nor be extra affectionate when he's having a bad day.  I've not continuously had to think about anyone but, me.  This is not to say, I don't know how to be the type of woman who is in full support of her partner, I was her once, and this is also not to say I cannot be her again, I can.  I just did not want to be the woman who is immediately in the next relationship.  I've been so determined to reach certain levels in life that I've not opened up to the possibility of a relationship.  It would not be fair of me to expect a man to be completely ready for me but, me not be completely ready for him.

I don't want to be half a woman wanting a full man, nor do I want half a man.  Granted, there are some things that may improve in my life when I have a partner but, I am not relying on that potential.  I am relying on my own results and what I am able to do.

Many men could not comprehend my views or hesitation, so they would conclude the follow to be true for them: 

She's too high maintenance.

She doesn't know what she's missing.

She can't handle my honesty.

She just wants to play games.

Her standards are too high.

She must already have a man.

She's young-minded.

I really do not entertain these types of thoughts.  If that's what a man thinks of me to make him feel better, then so be it.  And one thing that irritates my soul is when a man is trying to justify how great he is and mentioning how many other women want him...Good for you Sir, you should go call them and get out of my way.  Let me not deflate your ego, and you can leave me all they way alone since you cannot be patient enough to really know me.

*I once told a man flat out, I was not interested in him.  I'm not sure how that could be misunderstood but, he proceeded to go on telling me how much of a good person he is...obviously that did not help him at all.

Yes, I am a woman whom has went through certain experiences that has made me be very cautious; made me be more observant, more patient, more understanding, more analytical with a man's perspective vs. a woman's perspective.  This does make it more challenging for a man to get through to me but, it's not impossible...if he is secure with himself and accepts what I am willing and not willing to do, he'll be able to start chipping away.