High Expectations

If my topics are becoming redundant, it's because people keep doing the same things, so I have to keep these thoughts in rotation....

Never be the woman who demands a man to think about her ⚠.

We tend to create expectations for people we barley know.  We expect them to be considerate of our feelings.  We expect them to reach out to us often.  We expect them to make time for us.  Why?  What if this person does not want the same things or have the same plans?  What do you want that is opposed to what he or she wants? What did you misinterpret? 

Sometimes it's not the men, it's the women who have premeditated expectations or demands of him. (Yes, my sisters, we must take some blame for our heartache.)

The only expectation I have of a man is for him to be a man per his own definition. 🔀: Then it is my discretion to accept the man as he is because I refuse to invest time into changing someone who has his own thoughts and plans. ⛔: Unless you are already committed to one another and both identify that things need to change, the "We need to talk" can fall on deaf ears.  ℹ : And the list that you want to discuss, go over, and revisit is probably last on his mind, he may entertain it but, it's not his focus. Especially, if he has many things going on in his life that doesn't require you.

Many incidences result to: She says they're dating but, he says they're just hanging out. She is more involved than he.  Pay attention to your perspective in conjunction with his.

I have discussed with several friends about their experienced and I never just look at their side of the story.  I consider the other the possibilities of their thoughts or feelings and my response is not always in favor of my friends.

You shouldn't have to ask "What are we?" (I've only ever asked that once. I was 18 then.)  A man who knows what he wants or doesn't want will make it clear.  And if things aren't transparent, he may still be figuring out parts of his life, you can chose to hang on or you can continue your life unaffected.  And if you can subdue your 'crazy' then you can do both.

The only time I had certain expectations of a man was when it was clear that we were in a relationship and had plans to grow together.  And friends who knew me through this part of my life knew I went through the hell and high water! 📉😤

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY #BAMA

Sometimes, you meet people who imprint on your life and begin to find connections with entities that connect with them.  All imprints are a lesson and some imprints continue to add impressions onto your timeline.

My life in Texas has really opened my world to this unusual thing called, "Southern Hospitality".  Houston itself is a melting pot of people from all over the US and the world yet, what's interesting is when I meet true southern people.

I do not know much about Alabama other than driving through Mobile one time and getting stuck in f**king traffic for 5, 6 hours! WTF!

But, I have made some friends from Alabama who've imprinted upon my life.

I made my first unexpected friend from Alabama almost 2 years ago.  It was a gentleman whom did not allow me to simply disregard him.  I was my usual self, blunt and abrasive but, my Northern persona didn't offend his Southern Hospitality. 

Initially I thought, What's wrong with this dude? He must like being abused.  Realistically, it is more so, What's wrong with me and why am I so guarded and quick to automatically deflect people? 

Somehow, this Alabama man and I created a unique friendship at which most people wouldn't understand it...but what is for me to understand, isn't for you to understand.

I can identify that I am a little different from others in the sense I do not see relationships, infatuation, or even love the same way as mainstream society depicts it.  I see what makes most sense to me.

I think of my own friends, all from different backgrounds, experiences, neighborhoods, and countries.  We have collectively made a connection with one another because of small similarities that caught our interest but, bigger differences that keep us in each others' lives. 

Our friends are the family that we get to choose.  I inadvertently made so many varying arrays of friendships that my circle is as diverse as my persona.  I love it.

Expectations of a Woman

Women, please understand that WE are the pinnacle of life.  Throughout history, women were place on a pedestal, men fought each other for our attention and love....

Now, what the hell has happened to us?

We parade ourselves like cheap ornaments and chase after well-to-do men who may or may not be married, and get easily sensitive when we don't feel good enough.

**Even, I'm not void of snapping a few "thirst trap" pictures here and there.

YOU WERE BORN GOOD ENOUGH!

It may not seem obvious in my posts but, I am a very reserved and conservative woman.

I believe a woman should take pride in her deliverance to the world and not showcase herself in a way that may cause doubt...then again, any way we behave will incite critics from all angles.

I won't throw myself at a man simply because he buys me a drink or give me a compliments.  To be honest, I get a little uncomfortable when a man offers to buy me a drink...What is his motive? What does he want in return? How often does he do this? What are his intentions?...I admit that it is not great to think this way but, this is what the social scene has become for singles...or people who portray being single...<< Yall ain't shit and some of you are my friends but, you still ain't shit.

Almost every time I go to a happy hour or just swing through one of my favorite bars, there is a man or two willing to buy me endless drinks and overload me with compliments.  It is endearing and sweet BUT, where is this going?  Especially, since I did not come out to find a lover.  So, I listen and add to the conversation but, I keep it very casual, although, at least I think I do.  I don't just bat my eyes and ask for another drink or how much is in his 401K.  No, I ask how his day was, give praises to his accomplishments, inquire how he made his way to this bar, and wish him safe travels home.  This has become my basic dialogue with men.  Some of them try to derail me and talk about continuing the night, No sir, it was nice to meet you, have a good night.

Remember, men will be men among men...mainly foolish and stupid.  I'm sorry fellas, I love you guys but, we know the truth. It is our right as women to know better, behave better, deliver better, expect better, and just BE BETTER.

Now when starting a new relationship...

I do not believe a woman should make compromises early on when meeting a man.  Once you make the first life adjustment for him, he'll expect you to continue to make more adjustments catering to him without him doing much in return. No, no, no...if we are going to be serious with one another then my changes will need to equal your changes; whatever change we feel is necessary and conducive to our relationship.

I also do not believe a woman should share her relationship details with everyone.  It ain't official if it's not on Facebook! << You can keep that feeble thinking away from me.  I've seen so many people on my timeline share just a little too much about their personal life and then all of a sudden, the relationship disappears.   It is great to be proud of who you are with and it is also great to share your happiness with a few pictures or comments here and there but, keep in mind, many people disguise their negativity with empty praise. 

Keep your personal business to a minimum.  We don't need to know why you're arguing, or why you are upset because you let him use your car and now he hasn't come home in two days, or that he does not contribute to any of your bills but, he's always in your house.  << YES, for some reason women still treat grown men like their sons, taking care of them, catering to their needs and getting little appreciation in return.  My son has no idea how pampered he is.  While dropping him off a school the other morning, he demanded I go to McDonald's and get him food before I pick him up at the end of the day.  He also requested I put his tablet in my bag and not to touch it.

You want to be a good woman, GREAT, you want o show him you can maintain a relationship, manage a home, and conduct business, AWESOME but, be a good woman to a DESERVING MAN.  Otherwise, just be his friend with set limitations of your willingness and support; add on as he adds on...value.

Many times you can prove to a man that you are a good woman without doing the most for him.  My intentions for my future husband will not be much different from my intentions for my friends, and that is to support, uplift, motivate, and love them...of course, my husband's benefits will be on a different level...but still, it is the same basic formula.

Expectations of a Man

Just because you are nice to a woman, does not mean your are entitled to her affections...

<<< Who is this man?

Can we find him and make him POTUS?!

Be a good human, don't put on that facade to only gain a woman's attention.  If I am already not showing you interest, nothing in your "niceness" will change my mind.  The only thing that I will think is, "Huh, he's sweet." ...that's it and I will move on about my day.

I won't take anything more from a nice guy's behavior, but I also don't want the nice guy to deplete all his efforts into me when I am not available or willing to give him the same.  It's one thing to become a friend who I can count on and who I can converse to without it being awkward, it's another thing to be a man who's waiting on a weak moment to make his move on me.  This is why I am always hesitant to make male friends, I never really know their true intentions, especially the ones who revealed their feelings towards me in the beginning.

Yet, even if I do not adhere to his advances, it doesn't mean he should revert to being an asshole towards me. — And if you are the type of man to go toe-to-toe with a woman, then what type of man are you really??

Moving on, let's refer to the song, "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown and some of the lyrics...

Ohhhh, girl

As long as I've been giving my love to you

You should be giving me your love too

But you just keep on actin' just like a fool

You know it ain't cool

Girl, I work so hard for you from 9 to 5

So you could have the finer things in life

Since you're the kind that's never satisfied

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TREAT A WOMAN LIKE SHE IS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU! 

Okay to be fair, the song is more about a man and a woman, presumably in a relationship or maybe the early stages of dating, so there could be reasons why he is doing the most for this woman.  Either way, a good man is a good man all around, not just for the sake of a woman.  If he wants to extend his expectations, so be it but, don't get upset at the woman because of something you decided to do to make her happy and she didn't seem to appreciate it.

(Don't worry fellas, my next post is about the Expectations of a Woman, and trust me, my thoughts on that are more exhaustive.)

If you feel you are not being appreciated or she does not show you the same qualities, THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?  This is no different than a woman giving her all to a man who doesn't deserve it.  Move it along and find someone who shares your same views on relationships and love.

For me, the only thing I expect from any man is understanding and respect of my space, that is the minimum for a potential husband. 

Now, if a man does graduate to become my spouse or a serious partner at the very least, then my expectations will be a little more, because I will expect him to consider me in his decisions if we are planning to build a future together.  I would expect for him to be side by side with me in maintaining stability for our present state and for whatever future goals we have.  This includes, but not limited to, location of main residence, type and function of residence, financial allocations, parenting tactics, involvement in social activities, charity or volunteering, retirement goals, vacation plans, and the list goes on. 

I will agree it is harder to get into a relationship now because the make-up of the man has changed mainly because the make-up of the woman has evolved.  Everything that I am doing in my life right now, I don't want to stop, I want to expand on it.  Make more money, travel more, have more time to facilitate with friends and family.  If a man can add upon that, then GREAT but, even if he is willing to do that for me, doesn't mean I am owed him anything due to his willingness.  Nor will I jump at the opportunity to take advantage of his generosity....again, 'Expectations of a Woman' in the next post.

The Men We Entertain

Generally, men aren't slow and they can comprehend what you tell them; 

He just doesn't think in the same way you do. You can easily misunderstand his thoughts or over exaggerated his actions to appease your insecurity about him.

We all know, I don't date but, I still come across men who tend to mislead women...sometimes not intentionally.  Some are unaware of the affect they can have on women. Or maybe they are very aware and still don't feel any remorse to heartbreak, especially if they never asked a woman to be his lady.  Again, men do not think like we do, many times they act without thinking and leave us wondering, "What the hell is his doing?!"

Yes, fellas, I am usually hard on you guys but, I can still see the goodness in you...some of you.  Women do attach themselves to someone who they can see a potential future with.  We formulate an imaginary story of our lives together, hey, I never denied that we are crazy; we are. 😊 And we do bend our "limitations" for a man we really like.  We allow certain things that may not sit well with us to continue and cover it up with his sweet words or generous acts.  His simple words and actions help us overlook the concerns we have...yet it still doesn't lead us to a healthy relationship. 

You cannot accept that he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.  You cannot accept that he doesn't call you everyday.  You cannot accept that he doesn't check up on you.  You cannot accept that he doesn't make plans with you.  You cannot accept that he does not do for you in the same capacity that you do for him....BUT, you still hold on to him?

 You go through the process of showing him how good of a woman you are, how caring you can be, how much you consider him, and that you are willing to drop everything to come to his rescue.  Of course he will still allow you to cater to him and he will do what little he has to do to keep you holding on for hope.  He is getting all the benefits of being your boyfriend, without being your boyfriend.

Ladies, why do many of us fall victim to this?  Why are some of us not willing to accept that he doesn't want a girlfriend or more painful to accept that he just doesn't want YOU specifically?  Men have their preferences also.  You can do everything in the world that makes him smile, but if he does not feel that you are not the one, then you have to understand that.  And he can tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, just to spare any insult you may feel if he told you that he's just not that into you...then you see him months later publicly kissy faced with a woman...a woman who is not you.

It's OKAY ladies.  He wasn't the one for you either.  It just took you longer to let it set in.

☝☝☝ This is the problem ladies.

Yes, you should do the best you can for people and maybe do a little more for those you care about but, if you are only doing it in exchange for him to pay more attention to you and drop to his knees with the perfect ring, then it may not turn out they way you planned.  You cannot dictate someone else's future, even when you are mapping out your own.  If you want to do the most for him, okay, then do so but, don't get heartbroken when he doesn't reciprocate your affections into someone he wants to share his life with.

Walk the path you intended for yourself.  One day you'll look over and notice someone walking that same path, and guess what, it won't be a hassle for him to intertwine his journey with yours.

Love is hard. We can't predict it.  We are unaware when it happens and it consumes our logical thinking.  Why do we do it?....because humans are meant to love and be loved.

It's that "be loved" part that is a bit convoluted.  And yet, we still entertain the idea of it because it's one of the greatest emotions to have. 😞😟

Is a Married Man Worth The Effort?

The other week, I had dinner with a good friend whom is married and we touched on this topic...

Many women find interest in married or unavailable men.

WTH?! WHY?!

I guess I should not be surprised considering my own experience.  Men in relationships seem to attract more women than those whom are not in relationships.  My friend confirmed it when he stated he notice more women approach him now than before he was marriage.

Interesting.

What does a married man have that a single man doesn't?

Proof to Commit: Of all other possibilities that may make a married man appealing, the thought of him making a commitment is highly attractive.  There is a deep appreciation when a woman learns that a man has dedicated himself to one partner.  Then where do her thoughts wonder after knowing this information?  'Maybe he too can commit to me?' Or 'Well, he's married so I don't have to really care what he does after he leaves my bed.' (Scandalous heffas!)

What does it take for a man to be faithful to his wife?

Love, Discipline, & Prayer: Whether he is a praying man, a spiritual man, or just a man.  He still needs to embody the ideas of hope and faith.  He should be able to control himself against the odds and he should not forget the love he has for is wife.  The best thing my dinner companion said was, "It takes a strong man to be married." I agree.  It takes a strong man to identify a potential threat to his marriage and to stay clear of women who test him.  It also takes a strong man to identify that he cannot commit and be honest to the women about it...but this is for another topic.

Another friend of mine disclosed that she had a 10 year affair with a married man.  No, I didn't call her a whore and throw rocks at her.  She made a decision that please her heart at the time.  She did not know his wife and she admitted that she felt little remorse over it.  What she liked about this man was how he treated her.  She said he made her feel like he really loved her but, eventually she did not see a solid future with him and decided to end it.  Good for her.

But this made me wonder...how was this married man treating his wife?  Was he that good to juggle two women without having his wife become suspicious? Were there more women?  Did he have that much love to give that he could just come and go as he pleased in my friend's life?

Some of you men really ain't shit.  Yeah, I said it.

Can a married man really keep his home life separate from his adulterous life?  I do not believe so.  What is done in the dark will eventually come to light. Plus, it depends on what they type of husband and wife who are involved in said marriage.

Some women only consider it “cheating” if the husband is creating relationships with another woman, making her feel just as valued as the wife or allowing this other woman to believe she can BE the wife…Some women are aware that men are different creatures who needs an outlet, but there are still boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.

Just recently I read an article about a local, high profile lawyer whom was allegedly having an affair.  His wife caught wind of it and seen the other woman leaving her husband's office.  As the report reads, the wife attacked the mistress leaving her bloody and bruised on the floor.  EMS had to be called, it was not pretty.  Was this a victory for the wives?  I can't say since we are unsure if the lawyer came to his mistress's aid or if he realized his foul doing and is now trying to do right by his wife.  Yet, I did want to fist pump for the wife when I saw how badly she beat the other woman.

We've seen many stories in the media about well known names being involved in a love triangle.  A few times we've witnessed the mistress win over the husband!  Some of the wins are long lasting while others are pending demise.  I guess love can be found with a married man but, at what cost?  And are you willing to pay that bounty?

No thank you, I'll pass.

Those who lost their husbands to the other woman, trust me, it was a win for YOU, no matter if he is happy or worse off without you, you still won, especially if you were the one who decided to pack up and leave!  Those who gained a husband who was married, cheers to you for now always wondering if you will lose him the same way you got him.  If you do lose him, take that lesson and go on, but maybe you will have him forever, who knows.  Yet, that insecurity will continue to dwell in you and you'll hold on to him with every last breathe because you just can't bare to be wrong and alone.

Decisions

I have made many questionable choices in my life that could have went wrong, have went wrong, or worked out for the best.   I made a choice to change my life by packing up and driving 24 hours to rebuild.  I made a choice to change career paths and I've not looked back since.  I've also made dangerous choices like allowing 3 unknown men in my car and driving them to a particular location. (Please don't tell my Daddy.)  I've even hung out all night with a man I met randomly at a bar whom was from out of town and kept offering me drinks. (Please don't tell my daughter.)   Some of my choices could have put me in very compromising situations but luckily, nothing detrimental has occurred and I seem to have good judgment in most humans 😅.  Each decision I made for myself has molded me into who I am today.  

Now, I'm not saying to go ahead and just take all the wrong routes and hopefully you will find your way out, no.   I'm saying be mindful of your surrounds and know what options you have before limiting those options.  There is a lesson in everything if you are really paying attention.  Be fully aware of the experience you had and extract every positive out of it.  Then assess the negative and break it down to its simplest form, so you are able to better understand why it was a negative and how you can make it into a positive next time.  If you do not learned anything from the result of your choices then you will continue going in circles trying to find a way out with the same direction.

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Must Read For Women

You cannot make a man want you.  As much as you may like him and try to hide your "crazy" so he takes interest in you, you still CANNOT make him want you if he has no thoughts of wanting you or being serious with you.

When a man likes you, he will make the effort to tell you, show you, because again, he will be the one to pursue and court you.

BUT, ladies hear me out....we also need to identify the man that we may have our eyes on.  Watch how he interacts with other women, are you just another face in the crowd or does he make a special effort to be different towards you?  A man will not change just because you ask him to.  If he has a lot of women lusting over him, that may not stop once you have him but, what should stop is how he addresses the other women.  If you are in his consideration, he will make the right moves to accommodate your heart. 

I have a male friend who I poke fun of because he seems to be the type that loves attention.  I call him a hoe and a floozy all the time.  But, in actuality, whatever he does on his own time is none of my business and he is a single man, so he can behave as single men may do.  As far at the attention element, that is due to the of the type of business he is in, so his behavior towards women may be flirtatious or very friendly but, that is just how he engages with them. Aside from all of that, he's a good guy.

  We cannot be naive about the attention we may receive or overthink his affections or lack there of.  Keep in mind that men who are very driven and focused on their careers/success may not have eyes on any woman because he does not want to give the wrong impression when he knows he cannot offer a woman his full time or attention.

Another male friend of mine falls into this mold.  I barley can get him on the phone because he is constantly traveling, in and out of meetings, making business deals, etc. And we've talked briefly about relationships and having someone to spend time with but, we are both in the same structure in life where we know we cannot fully offer ourselves to someone just yet...we still have some work to do.

All and all, Ladies, you should never have to chase a man.  If he wants you, he'll come for you.

Clinging

We do tend to hold on to the memories, thoughts, feelings, and gestures of a person or relationship even though, these things may not be good for our aura. We hold on because we want for something to change or to have that same happy moment again but, unfortunately we cannot control the change in others, only ourselves. 😔

Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have?  Why?

Because the person you once loved with all their flaws has now become the person you can't stand?

You must learn to let go.....and Let Live.

Yes, people do change but, that doesn't mean they grow. And people mostly change for benefit of themselves not necessarily for others.  😒...but this notion should not always be frowned upon.

I made changes over the years that help me to progress and succeed as an individual.  Some of my changes have made me "seem" heartless but, really, I'm just more enthusiastic and focused on my future.

In a different aspect, people may change to better find ways to "manipulate" others.  Finding better ways to hide secrets or learning other outlets to get only their needs met...selfishness. 

Just because you spent a lot of time "investing" in someone, doesn't mean it is a good investment.  Sometimes you have to count your losses and allow better means to be presented in your life.

The Proposal

I honestly believe that for a relationship to begin and be validated, the man is the one who needs to present a woman with one.  But does that mean that a woman needs to drop hints to the man she wants a relationship with?  If I like a man on a more personal level, then I will make it known to him....and I am not talking about simple friendly behavior like calling him and asking how his day was, because I did have several experiences where a platonic guy friend misinterpreted my behavior and thought I was interested in something more.  — No, I am talking about a more personal and intimate behavior where romantic topics are discussed.  If nothing else, I am great with my words and I am good with conveying what I think about a man I may be interested in.  And if that man does not pick up on my interest towards him, then I'm not going to keep voicing my thoughts, I am going to eventually grow weary and move on.  

But what if a man whom I do like were to ask me...ME...to be his lady?  Men have far less patience than women; what if a man were patient enough to deal with me...ME?

People always assume I have a line of suitors knocking at my door….That is so far from the truth. There may be men who are interested in me but, I do not have interest in all these men and I do not think any of them really know me so well that they know how skewed my mind has become towards men and relationships...well, unless they are avid readers, then all bets are off. — But could a man really be willing to dig through my psyche and break down everything I built up to keep him out?

I don't know how to be in a relationship. The only real experience I had with one ended in disaster...even though I came out of the mess like a shooting star, it was still very trying to my persona. Could the man who wants me be able to understand all of that? Could he be so benevolent towards my guarded heart that he is able to find what I once lost? If a man were to propose a relationship, I do not know how I would respond. Correction, if the right man wanted to have me, I definitely would not know how to respond...and this is where my true insecurity comes in...What if I am not fit to be in a relationship?...Am I aware enough to identify when I am pushing him away? Am I healed enough to reciprocate his affections? Am I caring enough to comfort him when he needs me without asking me? Am I unselfish enough to love him as he loves me?

Is this what we all unconsciously think when considering relationships? Or do most of us just take the dive and see how well we can swim against any currents? What if people stated these thoughts before entering a union? Would it open more lines of communication and understanding?

Lord, who ever you got for me, he doesn’t have to be perfect, just good to my soul.

What They Want

I recall a few interesting things my friend said to me once about a woman he knows...

(*names are changed)

Summary of what my friend disclosed: Tara is a fitness trainer and so was her boyfriend at the time.  Tara was seeing Robert during the she had a boyfriend.  Tara's boyfriend was Robert's fitness trainer. Tara and Robert eventually stopped seeing each other when he got engaged to someone else and married her.  Robert's parents liked Tara better but, he still married someone else.  At one point Robert asked Tara to train his wife because they were about to go an a vacation....

Of everything in this information, my fiend only seemed to be discerned about the fact Robert wanting to get his wife trained.  To my understanding my friend thought that it was maybe an insult to his wife because he wanted her to get fit....

Here are my two cents:

1. Tara did not display to be a trustworthy partner since she was sleeping with Robert while she also had a boyfriend.

2. How do you know the parents liked her better?  Are you just going off of what she told you? What Tara perceived may have been better but, does she know the type of relationship Robert's wife has with his parents?

3. No matter who the parents liked more, Robert is the one who decided which woman he ultimately wanted to propose to.

4. The only hesitation I see with Robert asking Tara to train his wife is the fact that Robert and Tara used to be intimate...it is unknown if the wife was privy to this information.

5. How do you know that Robert and his wife did not agree before hand to get fit?  You cannot underestimate the communication between husband and wife.

6. Not only for Robert but, also for his wife, being fit and looking good is a benefit to them both.

**Dear friend, if you are reading this and I misinterpreted what you said, please feel free to correct me.

No one will ever know or should ever know the fine details in someone else's marriage.  We cannot always flow with what someone on the outside tells us.  I do not personally know "Tara", my friend says she is a great person and that could be very true and I am not placing any judgement against her.  We all have our reasons for the decisions we make.  My point of this is that a husband and wife have a special relationship, maybe not the best, but their relationship is definitely outlined differently than another relationship that holds another title.  So us being on the outside cannot assume that a husband's request or even a wife's request was not already discussed and agreed upon with their partner.

Devaluing Your Partner

When you speak negatively about your partner, or even when you make jokes with negative undertones, it lessens the value of your partner and takes from their confidence in the relationship.  Not only that, but others also gain a sense of "right" to then ridicule your partner. 

I don't know about you but, anyone who speaks against the one I am with also speaks against ME.

You chose your partner as well as your partner chose you.  So what goes against them also goes against you.  Instead of breaking down my partner, I would rather guide, uplift, and encourage him.

No relationship we have is simple, even if it seems easy because the two of you get along, there will still be times of dispute.  I am a firm believer of keeping personal matters private especially when involving a spouse or partner.  We can ask for outside support but, any detailed issues should be resolved privately between the two.  With my personal experience in my last run at love, our issues were NOT private since there was a third party involved who sought the demise of our relationship.  And this third party involved others as well, so I could not address anything privately and nothing could be resolved other than the decision for me to leave and move on with my life.

BUT, even during this madness, I did not speak unjustly of my partner, I basically let everyone know he was figuring things out and we were going to do the best we can for our family...even though I knew deep down inside, I was ready for it to be over.

And I might have made these statements before but, when you love someone, it's not enough to just tell him "I love you". It's how you love him.  You partner doesn't just want to hear those words but, to also live in the feeling of your them.  When you make less of your actions, you make less of your words, your sincerity, your promise to support and protect the love you have for your spouse.

I do not know when I will find myself in another relationship and I do not want to love the wrong person again but, I know he is going to love everything I offer him.

When he's happy, I share his joy
When he's proud, I am proud with him
When he's hungry, I prepare his plate
When he's lonely, I sit with him
When he's ill, I bring him tea and soup
When he's cold, I cuddle him
When he's stressed, I lay his head on my lap
When he's wrong, I tell him about his rights
When he's lost, I guide him back home to me
- Raya L.

See Me Less

"If you see me less, I am doing more." - Unknown

I was in a mass rush, trying to put my heels on, making sure my hair was presentable, and my dress was appropriate.  Lip gloss; check. Earrings, watch, back up flats; check, check, check.  Business cards; check. Kids bathed, yes.  Report done and ready for the morning, yes. Alarm set for 1 hour earlier than usual...ummm, yes.  Did I wash my car? Do I need to? Do I have time to swing through the wash? Crap, my jacket is still at the cleaners, I'll go there first. I need to get my nails done soon. Volunteering this weekend.  Wait, ATM? Yes.  Phone rings, "Hello?"

I let the caller know I was heading out the door because I had an important engagement to get to and that I cannot be out too long since I have a task for work early in the morning so the kids needs be ready on time.  Then the caller says, "You are doing too much because you are single."......Ummm, run that by me again.

The caller goes into explanation. After attentively listening to the detailed reasons, I thought to myself...is this correct? Would my life be more organized if I had someone to help me categorized my tasks? To maybe pick up dinner on the way home because I got caught up with work.  To make sure my car is cleaned regularly.  To help me dress for important events and to accompany me to them.  Would I need to be so busy if I had someone? Am I busy because I am single? Would he want me to be home when he is home?  Would he encourage me to make more business connections? 

I consider myself an organized person.  I keep an agenda and small note pad in my bag and my one of my phone screens is the calendar widget with all the reminders set to alert me.  But, would my weeks go a bit more smooth if I had a man to help me navigate through it?  It sure as hell wasn't smooth when I used to have one of those!

But, if I were to consider one right now, what if his schedule is just a full as mine?  What if he has meetings every day and needs to be in a different city every other week?  What if he is constantly meeting new prospects?  What if he works late? What if he has children too?  Would I then help him in his organization?  Do we help each other?  Would he want me to accommodate his schedule first?

With all these thoughts, I came to this conclusion...and this is why I am single. I wonder too much about how something will work instead of allowing it to work...because being someone who has many titles, my mind automatically inquires how someone will benefit me and my life, furthermore, me benefiting him and his life.  I cannot just accept anyone, this person has to know and understand my desires, just as I must know and understand his desires.  I refuse to force anything and I refuse to be the woman who just gets married because she only wants a ring and the title of a wife...I want it all...and I want him to want it all and want it all for us.

Busy

I stay busy because I like to be busy. I do a lot of things alone.  Not because I am single or that I do not have many friends, no; because I like experiencing things on my own.  I like to be in my own space, in my own thoughts, and not be drawn into conversation or in someone's company all the time.  Many times I dine out alone, shop alone, go to the movies alone, and travel alone.

Because I am single, does not mean I am lonely.  And to be honest, I plan to still do things by myself when I do get back into a relationship.  I will still want my "me" time as well as I am sure he will want his...hence a reason for a "man-cave".

Recently, I was at a friend's birthday celebration and a mutual friend of ours approached me and said, "I do not understand why you are single."  My simple response to these types of questions are, "I'm too busy." or "I am not looking for a relationship right now."...which is how I responded.  For some reason this gentleman assumed that because I was "just one", that I was also lonely or missing out on something great telling me I needed to be a "plus one".  He made comments about being with someone to share you experiences with, and how it's not worth it if you are by yourself, and needing to find a good mate.  Then he hits me with the, "We should get to know each other more and hang out sometime."....yup, he tried it...automatic NO. 

#1: He approached me completely off key.

#2: He assumed without merit.

#3: He tried way too hard.

Why can I not openly state that I am single without someone thinking that I am just some lonely woman waiting for the right guy?  If I connect with someone, great, but I do not want to be forced into anything or coaxed into something without any form of understanding.

No, humans are not built to travel through this life by themselves, I get it.  We are born with mechanisms to intertwine with others and make links...but allow me to embrace the idea of a partner or give me a chance to speak my stance about my life before you just "attack" me with suggestions of my love life.

The Mystery

Ever since my initial post "The Stranger" I have been getting an abundance of emails and comments here and there about this 'mystery guy'.  It is not a mystery, he is a friend of mine and yes, we have shared romantic moments but, we still consider ourselves as friends.  And, yes, I do refer to him every now and then.  I empathize that some people may have concern about him for me but, with all that I do share with the world, there is much that I do not share for my own personal reasons...I am the one who is living this experience and although I can appreciate everyone's thoughts, I am the one who has to live out any decision I make regarding my friend. 

I know that it may be difficult for most people to comprehend our friendship but, with having bad memories from my last love spell, I am very adamant about building a friendship before anything else...how can anyone create a life with someone and not truly enjoy the person?...I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to have cross paths with this man and we always mention or joke about how we met, how everything happens for a reason, and how all the decisions we made that day led us to be introduced.  We both have our own versions of it and we chuckle about it each time but, that is how our foundation started. 

I speak highly of him because I think highly of him.  He understands my mindset and the direction I am taking in life and he respects my space.  We may always just be friends and I am fine with that and he knows this.  It is all positive energy.  I may never divulge any details about our relationship because those matters are between us.  Even some of my close friends just get the basic information about him..."He's fine."..."Everything is great."..."I still like him."...etc.

So, you will not see his face or know his name unless there is good reason for it or if certain events occur.  I fully believe in respecting the privacy of others especially when it also involves my own privacy.  Anything that is revealed openly will because of our actions and decisions together.  Until then...We're good.

Any future questions or inquires about this subject, we are just going to revisit this post. Cool? Cool.

On Another Note: 

People seem to think I have a slew of men calling me or texting me trying to date me.  Well, my response is as follows...

I will admit I am very particular with whom I communicate with, even more particular when it comes to men.  Sometimes when a man realizes I have little time for him, or senses that my interest is obsolete, he usually ends up eliminating himself from the equation.  So no, I do not have dozens of suitors beating at my door, there are no flowers being delivered to my office, my phone is not constantly ringing, and my text message inbox is lackluster.  The only reason I have a lock on my phone is because my children are professional criminals.  (-___-)

In all fairness, I will respond to those who I want to respond to and reach out to those who I feel is worth reaching out to.  If a man does not hear from me, it does not necessarily mean there was something wrong with him...or there could be something wrong with him and I just don't have the patience to tell a grown man about himself...again, I am...particular and somewhat difficult...So, any man who gets upset with me about my disinterest towards him...I don't care. It's not to be heartless, I just have too much else to focus on rather than coddle your hurt feelings due to my choices and standards.

In Training

I want to mention that being someone's wife is not my sole purpose in life, it is just a part of my life that gains the most interest among friends and family so I makes sense to discuss those topics here. 

I know that I do not want to be a wife that my husband cannot be proud of.  I avoid certain situations, invites, topics, and connections with some people because I know it may play a part of how my future husband could perceive me.  I still enjoy my time and make new friends, I am just very careful of how close I get with particular people...No one will approach my groom and tell him scandalized stories of me but, of course there will always be bitter people who have nothing but foul things to say, I pray for these souls... 

And not all connections are perfect, of course I will have disagreements with my spouse but, I still want to have fun with him.  I do not want to just love him but, also "like" him; like to be around him, like to have meaningless conversations with him, like to see him, like to date him, like to stare at him and make faces at him, like to throw popcorn at him from behind the couch... and like to be good to him...because he is good to me and we genuinely admire each other.

Also, I am never ashamed to admit that I was raised spoiled, so I do expect my husband to understand that saying "No" to me does not process well and I can become very hard to deal with when I hear "No" BUT, in all fairness, I will not to request anything impossible.

Partnership

Have you ever been in a relationship where your sole purpose was to met your partner's needs?  I do not know the ratio of people who fall victim to such circumstances, but some of us do get confused with what a marriage is suppose to consist of.  

You may be expected to cater to your spouse, but what does that mean in turn for you?  Are you always the one making compromises, left out on making decisions for the home, adjusting your schedule, and subduing your wants and "needs" to appease your significant other?  Does your words go unheard?  Do your emotions get unattended to?  Do you feel as if you are always needing to prove how much you are willing to do just to show how much you love this person?

At one point, I did believe that a marriage meant to follow the husband's lead no matter where it ended up...I know now how wrong I was.

In a marriage, you are still TWO separate people coming together as a union.  You are not becoming ONE person.  My needs are just as important as yours.  Do not make a decision about our household or our family without my input or even considering my input.  Do not feel that what you say or think holds more weight than what I say or think.

Repressed Memory: I had completely forgotten about this, maybe because of how shocked I was to hear someone I loved say this to me....While I was in the process of finishing my degree, he told me I was wasting my time and money when I could be doing something better with it for our family...even as I am typing this out, my eyes are filling up with tears...How dare him tell me that it is a waste of time to better myself.  How dare him look down on my efforts to achieve more in life.  How dare him think that furthering my knowledge will hinder our family...did he want me to remain foolish and behind him forever?  He must have ill and delirious at the time.

My next relationship will be a bit more challenging because not only have I grown from a young mindset, I am also bringing 2 children in the mix and if he has any, then we will definitely need to discuss how to blend our families.  For the most part, I expect it to be trial and error but, if he and I want it to work then we will see through any and all errors for the sake of love.

Also, just because a woman may take her husband's last name does not mean he has the only say.  He is the leader, yes but, even a good leader listens to his community.  I want my husband to confide in me, take comfort with me, ask for my advice, listen to my sorrows, ease my pain, and not walk away from me.  One of the biggest heartaches you can feel is feeling alone when your are not supposed to be.

Go On

Ummmmmm....I'm not going to say I do this and I'm not going to say I don't do this.  What I will say is that sometimes learning people is about strategy.  Especially when conflict arises, observe what they do, what they say, how they say it, and how they react to your responses, if you give any, in which case, how they react to your silence.  Take mental notes and access your conclusion.  Then decide whether a person is interesting enough to learn more of or if a person needs to become an absent thought.

Conflicts can allow you to see a different side of a person.  Are they stable enough to decipher all parts and still protect their involvement with you or do they get so caught up in their emotions and go rouge that there is no longer a filter to what they say.  Usually, when someone lashes out without pausing to listen, they are showing you all you need to see.  Just sit there and let them feel like they are being heard while you are thinking up the fastest exit out of this connection.

I believe I've had enough serious, life changing conflicts to not want to entertain any silly or minuscule ones.  So I don't, especially with men...What?...Would you rather me be passive aggressive the next time I see a guy who I digressed from and I act like there is no issue but yet, I proceed to make comments to him and handle him in such a way that discretely digs into his hidden insecurities subconsciously making him wish he never said or did anything wrong to me, all while I am smiling, flipping my hair, and sipping on my drink?...Not saying I've done that before...But, a man who wears a mask and takes it off, won't ever have to put that mask back on for me again.....like this dude...

I need to start making a collage of massages like this.  I do not know why they feel the need to make it known "It's cool, I'm not bothered."...Okay, so why am I getting this kind of message from you?...Some men get so beside themselves and behave like women.  I am fine with a man being expressive and having feelings but, I really give my stale face (-_-) to men who react this way after only a few conversations with me.

This message in particular was from an older gentleman, I knew how old he was before I agreed to meet him...so, I don't know where he is coming from by mentioning his age....I was even the one who suggested on meeting for lunch and he thought of the location.  During our meal he mentioned that he was not looking to be serious with anyone, just wanted to mingle and have fun.  He seemed very hedonistic about it.  He said he just likes to be out and enjoy himself.  I had no issues with that since I am not one to jump into any type of relationship....so, I am a bit confused with his statement of knowing who he is and what he can offer a woman...huh?...Again, no clue where he is coming from with that.  

I also learned that he worked overnights and usually has a busy schedule.  I told him to let me know when he was available and we can hang out again.  I heard from him a few times after our lunch but, he never attempted to make plans with me, I guess he thought I would make the first suggestion again....you know my views on this, a man must take the lead when learning a woman....And him being "so observant" by saying I like thugs and worthless men is derived off pictures he seen of me taken with my two of my male friends, who were dressed in polos and jeans and one of them had a baseball cap on.  Mind you, both of my friends are muscular and very diesel looking BUT, they are far from being thugs or worthless.  As a matter of fact, they both have stable jobs, their own vehicles, their own places, very much involved with their children, very respectful to women, and not to mention, the night I hung out with them, they both checked up on me to make sure I made it home just fine....and yet, this man had a few quirks about him that was a bit questionable but, let me not judge him for what he is not aware of...because "Classy I am!"  So again, once the mask comes off, do not bother putting it back on.

P.S. - This is mainly why I hate doing one on one meet and greets or "dates". 

Different Languages

What did Tevin Campbell say? "Can we talk for a minute?"

Let's face it, men and women speak different languages, whether it is family, friends, or lovers.  A man may not receive what I say how I delivered it to mean and I cannot assume he will automatically know the intent of my words.  Yet, what I can be aware of is the person of whom I am speaking with.  Depending on your audience, you may have to adjust your speech, the words you use, the tone you use them in, your expressions, your body language, all of that, so there is no misunderstanding but, again....different languages.

So, what if the conversation is through text and someone misinterpreted the meaning of your message?  Again, know your audience, although, in the same sense, your audience should know you as well.  Either way, depending on the connection you have with said person, you may need to decipher whether or not it is worth explaining your meaning or intent.  If the one who misunderstood, lashed out before any clarity, then I suggest accessing the reality of this person in true form and not even invest anymore thought in communicating at all.  Why continue to look at your dirty hands when you can just wash them clean?  Buuuut...it's not my business how you communicate or how frequently you communicate with silly people.  Carrying on...

I have realized that some men tend to forget they are speaking with a woman and say things that just make NO SENSE AT ALL! (Okay, I know I have male readers, I am not a man, so my perspective is purely of a woman and my experiences with your kind.  Sorry but, not really.) And I find myself giving a sideways look or reaction as if to say, "Did this just happen?  Am I slow?  Did I miss something?  Is he speaking to me like that?  Is he serious?"...Then my mind wanders elsewhere..."I wonder if my dry cleaning is done.  Did I pay my car note yet?  What did my boss want me to do tomorrow?"

Here is my disclaimer: I am going to be very frank to any man who is reading this and any man I come across, I don't do the dramatics especially if you are a MAN.  Yes, at times I am overzealous, facetious, and nonchalant, not for reasons of being a woman but, for reasons of where I am at in my life right now.  And YES, I can be dramatic if I want to, why? BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, it is in my nature and in my contract with God to be an emotional mess when necessary or unnecessary.  Unfair?  Oh well, write a book or pray about it.  And I know for damn sure I am not quiet about my opinions on love and romance at this point in my juncture; ask any man who has had a conversation with me about it.  So if you have an issue, state it.  Whether you feel I am being cold, insensitive, selfish, spoiled, stubborn, whatever, tell me but, please collect your thoughts before hand and make sure your monologue is something I will be receptive to....if I do not respond, WAIT.  DO NOT begin to assume anything of what I may be thinking.  I guarantee you cannot fathom how my thought process works.

If a good amount of time goes by and I do not respond, then contact me again, because if you were not aware, let me educate you, I work, I have two children, I maintain a website, I read, I study, I have friends, I socialize, I live my life accordingly and there is a possible chance that I did not have time to answer you.  Yet, if I consider you a genuine friend, someone I can see a steady connection with, then I do make a point to set time aside to respond (Note: This list of men who I consider in this manner is very small...more like one person whom has been very patient with me, accepts who and where I am in my life at this moment, so yes, this one man does get very thoughtful and thorough words from me and has been just as consistent with his communication towards me.  I do have other guy friends I catch up with from time to time but, they are in a different category from this particular man).

Also make note, I will prolong my response to you if you were in anyway demeaning, aggressive, or shown me a completely unappealing side of you, in which case I may never respond.  So speak to me in the language that YOU feel is correct as a man and I will speak to you in the language that I feel is correct as a woman.  If there is misunderstanding, address it and be patient, or let it all the way go.  I use myself as the reference since I cannot speak for all women but, the many I know concur with these thoughts. 

Adding to the topic of interpretation....

What say you of this? Initially when I read it, I did not understand the meaning but, the statement is left open for you to distinguish your own meaning.

My view of it is both men are behind masks so anyone's face could be under that mask.  Batman represents heroism, doing good for others, making the right decisions, and everything we are taught as children to do or be mindful of.  The Joker on the other hand, represents everything else.  I do not necessarily see him as the face of evil but, more so the face of reality......the reality that the world is not as perfect once we walk pass our mailboxes.  The reality that the world contains so much more chaos then we would like it to have and not everyone is a hero at all times.....not even Batman.  And while you are letting that sink in, let me add another thought for your cerebrum....Batman is always so serious even as Bruce Wayne, just very stern, while Joker is always smiling even when being defeated....and they both seem to have an equal amount of weight on their shoulders.  Yup, let that marinate.

Speaking of marinate...
I was elected to cook this weekend....yup, while I was away from home but, my friend was away from home as well, so no, I did not mind at all especially since the request was pork chops!  Que in Lionel Richie...Hello...

The Placement of a Kiss

A kiss is more than just a kiss when it is from the right person and place on the right location.  I do not know if men realized the affect they can have on a woman just by knowing how and where to kiss her. 

The Neck/Shoulder kiss: Some would consider this a lust kiss or a tease kiss and maybe it is.  When a man hugs you or pulls you close to him and kisses you there, you are definitely more than just friends and he definitely thinks of you as someone sweet or special. 

The Forehead kiss: This is my absolute favorite and the most endearing kiss of all.  To me, this kiss means, I care for you, I adore you, I admire you, I want to protect you, I want you near me, I want you in my life.  When things were good, my ex would give me the forehead kiss while I was falling asleep on his chest and at that quick moment, I felt all the world could be in disarray but, I was at peace.