Letting Go

Many of us have experienced or are still experiencing the redundancy of going back and forth with the same person.  Whether it is the fear of starting over and not finding someone who will know us the way this person does or whether we feel there is possibility of it working out if only he/she would work less, listen more, call more, spend time more....blah, blah, blah.....whatever the reason, you will not know the possibilities of this relationship if you do not let go.  You two may come back together and be the perfect match after taking time apart and growing individually.  OR, if you do not learn to let go, you may be keeping yourself from someone who is waiting for you and is exactly the type of person you want as your partner.  

If my ex and I had this conversation many years ago, we would have save each other from so much unnecessary stress and disappointment, but that is past 'woulda coulda shouldas' and I will make sure there will not be any future ones! (I do not have the patience nor the energy to go back and forth with someone who I have concluded to not be the type of person I can imagine spending the rest of my days with.  There are far too many souls who may connect better with mine.)

Just think about it, there are people who are married for 20-30 years and decide to get divorced because they came to the realization that they are no longer a cohesive couple.  There is nothing wrong with starting over and there is absolutely noting wrong expressing to this person that you cannot be a better you if this relationship keeps running into the same issues.  It's time to let it go.

The Stranger: A Gentleman's Style

My coyness towards his warm embrace gave him a glimpse of my cautious heart. His indiscreet glances at me without saying a word kept me curious about his quiet thoughts. His debonair affections kept me in awe each second in his presence. His connection to my spirit kept me lifted.

I do not really know this man and we could possibly never meet again but, he has shown me how much I can really enjoy being in the company of a true gentleman who is attentive to my comfort and security. Although, in my true self, I did not make it easy for him at first to be next to me, calling him "decent" and being a bit nonchalant towards him; that faded.

“Sometimes, just sometimes, you ignite with someone's smile and for a mere moment, time freezes and there are no worries with the world. You just breathe in their delightfulness, exchanging energies all the while saving that feeling in the depths of your soul.“

Every moment in life we have choices and our actions follow.... I walked up to to the bar to order my drink, not really paying attention to his being. I could feel him looking but, I did not want to turn my head and have a socially awkward glance — I am still a bit shy in these types of occurrences. I stayed mute because, "Sweetheart, when you dance with me, YOU sir, must take the lead." He did.

If he never said a word to me as I waited for my order, he would have watched me walk away and the two of us could have missed a necessary beat in life.

I also had the pleasure of meeting his friends whom were just as pleasant to be acquainted with. I cannot appreciate him and his colleagues enough for being Lords of Chivalry. Any woman would be blessed to have one of these dashing gentleman standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her.

It might have been divine intervention that I met this man and his associates. As if God wanted me to see a different light that only He can guide me to; keeping me mindful that I am worth every bit of attention that is drawn to my growth and efforts in being a good, classy woman. And not being seen as some pretty girl who has been tainted by life's lessons and needs the attention to feed her insecurities. No darling, I evolved away from that.

I have yet to learn the purpose of this man in my life, because everything happens for a reason, no matter how minuscule one may think the reason is; there is purpose to everything. He may be just an instrument to the construct of what I need embedded within my thoughts about being open to someone's spirit without being reluctant or presumptuous with the idea not needing love. Or he could become a life long voice in connection to my continuous growth in this world. Whatever purpose he holds, I accept it.

Some critics may say that I am romanticizing the whole experience because I do not truly know this man in his everyday environment, and that I am being naive to a temporary notion that may be just a fantasy. Well, my response to that is "I. DON'T. CARE." Even if this is all a figment of my imagination, I still want to forever save this memory and refer back to it anytime I feel that Man has lost all senses in the proper treatment towards a Lady. So all you critics can see yourself off MY stage and exit left please, thank you.

....and to think, I was just going to stay in on Saturday.

Chemistry

I'm not sure who said this and people are claiming it was rapper, Nas, but it was not him. Although, he's ill enough that people would believe he said it (yeah, I think Nasir Jones is Dope.) If you think about the long standing relationships you know of, what are the key factors that keeps him with her or her with him? All the women who you see post 'body' pictures of themselves with suggestive captions, are they 'single'? I emphasis single because any gorgeous woman can be involved but not fully committed to the foundation of a relationship. Yet, let me not make my words seem definitive since every union is different and I am not speaking on behalf of every woman or relationship dynamic but, for the most part I've noticed many of the 'eye candy' have been in just as much relationship turmoil as those who aren't 'eye candy'.  A beautiful and curvy woman can be just as single as a plain Jane. 

Personality is a source to the heart.  Whether it be romance or platonic, the characteristics that define your personality is what people grasp and create memories with.

Physically, we like what we like (I am attracted to tall men who hit the gym at least twice a week, with a great smile, and clean shaven face) but, what we see isn't always enough to make us stay or keep us intrigued.  

Ladies, have you ever been asked, "You're so pretty, why are you single?"

Well. The simple answer from me is, "I'm not ready." Which thoroughly translates to, I am not in a place in my life where I can commit to someone's emotions other than my own and my children. This is not to say I will not enjoy someone's company. I will definitely carve space out of my life to learn someone who may have caught my interest but, I will not change my mind about being single overnight.

What's worth the significance is worth the time.

Until a woman is ready to step off her own pedestal and allow him to place her on his, she will continue to present herself as 'available for the taking.' That does not mean she will take every number or go home with every man she deems worthy, it just simply implies that she keeps her options open.

Chivalry

I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead. 
I also refuse to believe that only the elder generation practice it.

I'm all for women being independent and managing their own homes, jobs, finances, families, etc.  It's awesome but, we are still WOMEN and as for myself, I still like for him to open the door and extend his hand to help me out.  Is it necessary?  No but, the gesture is appreciated.  Also, another tiny thing I admire is when he opens the door to let me walk in first and as I am walking in, his hand is slightly behind my waist as if to signifying 1. I am his company 2. If there is someone or something that's in my way he can just pull me out of caution. I guess I would consider that a "protective" gesture.

In casual settings around friends and family, chivalry doesn't have to be as prominent but, still considered.  Come stand with me if I am conversing with people and join the conversation or just see how I'm doing. Show light affection like a forehead kiss or half hug (for serious couples) or a simple back caress and move on.  Just show subtle acknowledgements that I am there with you.

I've also noticed, with some of my male friends, they insist on walking on the "outside" of a sidewalk (closer to the street) when walking with a woman. A woman who does not know the importance of this was not taught right or is used to the wrong type of man...I cannot recall if my ex did this since I have gotten used to blocking him out of memory but, considering I cannot think of any chivalrous gestures, he probably did not display any. But, let's not cry me a river...I've learned better.
We also must take into account that if a woman wants a man to be chivalrous, she has to be worthy of it and carry herself like a lady.  It's only right. Why should he accommodate you if you have a funky attitude and is ungrateful to him.

A Queen Doesn't Play The Joker

One of the many things I've learned in "Womanhood" is: What a man expects from you is derived from how he perceives you. If you are boisterous and dramatic, even though it may be nerve wracking to him, your actions will not be a surprise to him. If you are quiet and docile, he won't expect you to overpower a conversation. If a man meets you at the park playing on the swings with your kids, how do you think he views you? If a man meets you at the club lap dancing on the local celebrity but, you don't work there, how do you think he views you?

Much like, don't post sexually suggestive ideas on Facebook and then act like a prude and take offense when a man approaches you about it. That's not how he thought of you, otherwise he would not have approached you in that manner.

Also, don't have him bring you to an upscale restaurant and cause a spectacle with the waitstaff because your plate came out with 4 jumbo shrimp instead of 5. He thought highly enough of you to be a classy woman who would simply tell the waiter of the mistake so it can be corrected instead of being carried out by security. (I know this example is a bit extreme but, you get my point.)

I say all this to say....How you present yourself to him is who he expects you to be so don't put on an act knowing the script has an end. I recall a distinct memory from my previous relationship that is relative to this topic; I posted a picture of an aggressive gesture on a social site that was public. My love saw it and asked me to take it down. I brushed it off like it was not a big deal but, when he explained it to me, I felt silly and took the picture down. 

In summary he said, "You are not that type of woman. That is not how you are and if people see that picture, they may get the wrong idea about you. Don't let people speculate the wrong image of who you are."

He was right, I didn't and don't want to be seen as a careless, facetious, and ignorant woman. Women who pride themselves with substance and class are held at a different and most likely higher degree than those who pride themselves with....well, I'll let you fill in this part. A respectable woman should not digress from her stature to gain bleak attention. 

You can be interesting and entertaining without playing the fool and becoming the joke.

Good Men

Look, we can sit here and man bash until we run out of words, but the reality is not all men are liars, cheaters, egotistical, losers, who are just focused on their next conquest. We women choose who we are attracted to. Sometimes we are not attracted to the good ones and I raise my hand on this one. YES, there are good men who are single and want to settle down with a good woman. Are you worthy of a good man? Think about it before answering. Do you carry yourself in such a way that he can be proud to have you by his side? That his family can be proud? That his friends respect? A woman he can seek comfort in without judgement or criticism? Do you invoke intrinsic thoughts or are you just...eye candy?

Let's be honest, we analyze everything about a man, from his attire to his demeanor around other people. We subconsciously question his every move, "Why did he turn his phone over?". We search for things we have no reason to search for. We look passed red flags hoping our intuitions are wrong. We CREATE red flags that are irrelevant. Sometimes, we, yes, WOMEN, can be the source of our relationship failures whether we know early on if the man is no good but we still pursue or if he just seems too good to be true and we look for flaws. WHY?

STOP IT.

Once you see something that you know will become a major problem, address it but, don't magnify something that is minuscule, like him not calling you or texting you everyday. He does have a life, he could very well be busy. Especially if you two just met, you have to give it time to learn each other's languages before jumping to conclusions and yes, I have been guilty of this. I've assumed and I've fabricated complete stories in my head on why a man has not called and it's silly! You know you're great, give him time to know it too, if not, hey, someone else will see what he didn't. That's just the reality of dating. If you are already in a relationship and have "language" problems, then most likely you looked passed certain issues before having an understanding or you jumped into the relationship too soon.

Also, you must learn that being wrong isn't being weak (as stubborn and as strong willed as I am, I have learned to identify when I need to back down and let him say what he has to say and accept it. It's not just about me and what I think and what I think isn't always accurate.) I was recently brought back to a realist perception after I made comments to a man that insinuated he was placing me in an unflattering category. He responded with statements that made me quiet and realize that I was making accusations without significant cause. I backed down, apologized, and said he was right.

Before anything, you two are supposed to be friends. Ask yourself, Is this a friend you want to keep long-term or do you feel the bond will digress over time? In which case you either need to invest smart or withdraw quickly.

Testing Him

I am not positive if these are truly his words but, let's not focus on that:

It is very endearing for a man to show he is interested in a woman and shows that he wants her in his life. Yes, we like for men to earn us, to fight for us, to stand by us, to understand us, to comfort us, to admire us, and to love us.  I like flowers, I like "You're beautiful" text messages, to be held, to be tended to, to be introduced to his colleagues, to be looked at with sincerity....I LOVE ALL OF THAT!  But, I will not have that, if I keep pushing away because he may eventually stop pulling. (Please note that there is no man in particular I am speaking of, it's just a generalization.)  A man is still human and has his limits just like we have ours.

Those of us who have been through chaos will not be so willing to let a man have all of us but, we have to slowly allow our walls to break down to let love back in.  If a man has sincere interest, he will help you break down the wall but, don't allow one brick to crumble just to lay another brick behind it.  No, we don't always like to be vulnerable but sometimes being vulnerable gives opportunities for someone to make us smile.  We can't always turn the cold shoulder on those who want us. 

There's no need to always test him.  If he gives you his time, loyalty, and respect, why question his interest?....you already have it.  Trust me, I am as inquiring as they come and I "Why?" everything.  I notice myself doing it less because that crazy earnest feeling to know every detail is digressing slowly from my persona; I am learning to accept and not doubt the good in a man.  Yes, certain experiences from my last relationship has me cautious and hesitant but, I am not going to allow those bad memories deter me from making great memories with someone amazing. 

Don't let a good one go just because you can't let go of past hurt. Grow to #LOVE 

Introvert

Do you ever hear people say this about themselves? 

There's nothing wrong with enjoying personal time by yourself, but if that is the only time you experience happiness...well, that kind of raises red flags, no?  Let's think on this, it is natural to interact with one another.  Sometimes we feed off people energies and words of advice or criticism from those we associate with, but for someone to claim they rather have little to no association with the outside world can be categorized as 'peculiar'.  As in, not what's wrong with the world...because we all know the world is ahem...f**ked up!...but, what's wrong with YOU that you cannot find enjoyment in being around people or why is it that people do not want to be acquainted with you?  

Now, I know some people are shy and socially awkward but, why would one not want to part take in the vast diversity the world offers when it comes to us crazy humans?  I enjoy my me time but, I also love catching up with friends and meeting new people, and many of my good friends are NOTHING like me, that is the beauty of it.  So all you "loners" need to get out and make some friends!  Otherwise you become this dark, meager, lack-luster person who people worry about or stray away from...we don't want that now do we?