Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

---

The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

---

Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Raya L.

Don't Give Everyone Access

0:00 / 0:00

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

---

Business Woman to Business Wife

Would you change your career for your partner? Or stop working completely? This was a recent topic of discussion among my friends and I; single, married, and engaged.

My simple answer is, Yes.

Yes, I would consider changing the direction of my career, but if I end my career for him, I am not going to stop working. I am either going to take on business projects with him or I am going to find a hobby that brings me income.

Some of you who know me may be thinking this goes against everything I stand for: Independence, Working Women, Women in Business, etc. No, no, no…I am still very much advocate for those things, but when you are in a partnership, a commitment with someone, you lay out all your thoughts and plans in which the two of you want to follow through with. If believe in my partner and he can afford to carry both of us, plus our family, and there are factors in our relationship that I can cater to better, then yes, I will change my direction, but he will also need to understand that I will still remain lucrative. If I am choosing to give up a my salary, the salary that has allowed me to cover my financial responsibilities and grants me to do all the things I enjoy doing, there is going to be a reasonable compromise, whatever that may look like for us.

Many single women have learned to maintain themselves without Prince Charming (by the way, most of us prefer the Prince who thinks he’s a Frog over the Frog who thinks he’s a Prince. Let that sink in for a bit), so it may be hard for some of us to make adjustments. We have conditioned ourselves to obtain the necessities without the man, so Why would I want to share my closet space? Don’t lose hope fellas, be patient with us, for not all of us are lost into the black hole of estrogen dominance…Just build her a bigger closet.

In another posting, I mentioned the different standards with men and women and the stigma that surrounds their responsibilities. The men provide, the women comfort. And really, women are a bit tougher, yeah we may be more emotional and most times we aren't making much sense, but of the two sexes, we were granted to ability to bare children and withstand the many levels of struggles and triumphs life can throw at us which includes, knowing when and how to coddle a man who wants to be comforted more than he is willing to admit.

In a 2013 survey, 43% of women quit their jobs after marriage because they now have a new role, new responsibilities. I do not fault women who chose to do this. I know plenty of couples who have been successful with separating roles. For some duos, it is beneficial for the marriage for the wife to be home, the kids do not have to be in daycare and are better attended to, the wife manages the home and activity schedules, possibly helps organize the finances, etc. You take on those stairs, I’ll take on these, and we’ll meet at the top. And there there are relationships where the roles are conjoined, We both look over the finances, we both tackle the issues, we both maintain our home, we both work on projects together, etc.

There are plenty of things wives can do to 1. Support their Husbands, 2. Stay Lucrative, and 3. Maintain Knowledge of Business Practices. Here is a take from a divorcee who says, "Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job." Although, how you chose to keep stability in your married life is a personal and private discussion with your spouse. What may work for you may not work for others.

Working women have acquired several useful business skills in their careers that can be helpful to her husband, her marriage, her family, because with most of us, the definition of a wife is not someone who only cooks, cleans, and raises the children; the definition is being a Partner which means that we discuss big decisions that may change the dynamics of our lives and we come to an agreement that we are both comfortable with.

The same concepts in business will still apply with our relationship: Why? Because it is a Partnership.

• We do not discuss problems outside of our partnership unless it is an unbiased source (There may be some exceptions depending the seriousness of the issue and who we are sharing our personal business with.)

• We do not speak ill of one another to other people (I once read something that said, “The weakest thing a man can do is talk badly about his woman to others.” And of course it works the same way with women.)

• We take the time to talk to one another about changes in plans or goals (If we have to “call a meeting” with each other, then so be it. We both need to understand each other to be a benefit to one other.)

• We do not make final or permanent decisions without the other

• If we are continuously at odds and cannot seem to meet in the middle, then we need to consider dissolving the relationship without any added stress

When you allow someone into your life, change will happen; work together towards the best. You don't let something go that you already know is great to see about a different possibility. You make what's great even greater. (Read that again, some of you missed it.)

For those of you ladies who are married or soon to be married and there are talks of you leaving your employer, here are some tips and advice to consider:

• Give your boss at least 2-4 weeks notice depending on the depth of your position and how long it may take to train a replacement.

• Be honest about why you are leaving. You want to focus on your marriage and family. Maybe your spouse has a more lucrative offer in another city or state. (A friend of mine is soon to be married and her fiance has an offer to an elevated position in another city a few hours away, I told her, "Honey, you better put in your notice and let your husband be great so you can be great together!")

• See if there is a possibility of you to work part time or as a consultant, especially is your role requires a lot of skill that may take more than 4 weeks to train someone new. Plus, you never know, consulting may be something you can take on to stay in the business loop.

Here is a article that has a sample: How To Resign From Your Job Due to Marriage

Sidebar: For me to make compromises he will need to be spectacular and do the unexpected. For instance, if you tell me you are stopping at the store and want to know if I want anything and I say No, get me a candy bar. Twix. Spectacular does not have to be extravagant. Although, surprising me with a weekend getaway would be nice too. Balance.

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Let Him Lead

As independent as women have become over the years either by force or by nature, we are sill NOT men. Let the men be men.

No, I am not advocating to set women back to the kitchen and to stay there, I am advocating sensible gender roles. A man is masculine; a woman is feminine. I do not mind making sure a man eats or prepare a plate for him before I feed myself, although, if he is a gentleman, he’ll make sure I eat as well.

In traditional dancing practices, men lead, correct? Men hold out their hand for the woman to lay hers upon and then the gentleman leads his lady to the dance floor to begin the waltz. As strong willed as I may be, I prefer a man to lead the way…well a man who has a good sense of direction, I won’t be led to oblivion.

Ladies, please be aware when a man is taking you the wrong direction.

• You are losing money, bills are not being paid, etc.

• You are constantly questioning his behavior or he seems unstable

• He is making you second guess yourself or your values

• He is asking you or expecting you to compromise your well being

If we share a home, I expect him to be head of the household and make choices that is best for us, although I’d like to be included in the decision making process. Even if we don’t share a home, but we are still in a committed relationship with a promising future together, I still want to be involved in what plans he may have. You see, part of being a good leader is getting input from those you are leading to ensure you make the best decisions for everyone. Talk to me about what is on your mind. Talk to me about any confusions you may have. Talk to me about an idea that could benefit us. I need for him to think things through and think about how changes would affect the both of us and our family. Yes, that IS the responsibility of leading a home, making sure we ALL come up together…otherwise, I KNOW I can do better by my damn self.

Let’s be clear, it is not only allowing him to lead, but it is also being sure that he is capable to be the leader and if he is not, should you really consider a relationship with him? Ladies, let’s not be o blinded by his image, his p——, or a few sweet gestures, that we throw out all our good sense and put him on an undeserving pedestal. There are so many great man out here, let’s not allow the unable to keep us from being able.

Can you Survive It?

Can you survive an open relationship?

Having an open relationship generally means you and your partner agree to date/sleep with other people without recourse.  Could you be okay with this arrangement?  Does this mean you don't love each other?  Is there more chance of separating?  What if your partner falls in love with the other person?  What are the rules?

I do not think this is a "NEW" way of how relationships can function.  I believed this has been an option (even if it is the last) and reality for many couples for many decades. 

For myself personally, it is not in my make-up to be with someone other than my partner, yet do I think my partner should practice the same discipline?  Ideally, yes. 

In a recent post I stated:

"All I ask of my partner is to be good to my health and my heart.  However he translates that or acts on that is on him.  As my husband, I expect a man to handle me as his wife, a woman who he placed on a high pedestal and who he promised to love, cherish, and protect."

Read full post HERE.

What a man is not going to do is have our lives play out like a reality tv show where I can clearly see him kissing face with someone else.  No sir, you can pack your shit now!  Some men are out here creating new relationships while still involved in one.  The moment you begin to invest into someone else is the same moment your home begins to crack.

With a celebrity reference, a Hip-hop artist mentioned that his wife said, "It's not the cheating that hurts, it's the type of bitches he cheats with." 

We can translate this is many ways...

Yes, it is a bit questionable when a man decides to entertain a woman who is completely opposite from his wife.  The wife may wonder why he would be attracted to someone who does not have her same values or qualities.  But, think about it; he married her for those characteristics; gallivanting with someone of the same nature would be more threatening, No?

Similar to my past, the man I was with for many years invested in someone who was not like me at all.  I did not see the attraction but, over time I cared less and less about this ordeal and let them go off on a journey together while I ventured on to a better life. Men, you cannot give 2 women at the same time the same promises. You are setting the tone completely wrong...hence my last post.

And, Ladies, you cannot control a man with your pu**y.  As good as it may be, there are plenty of other women throwing it to him.  The defining character will be the caliber of man HE IS.  Is he a man of messiness or a man of thoughtfulness? Messy men bring home distractions, babies and, other women to your doorstep. Thoughtful men bring home conversation, love, and attention.

Granted, wrong is wrong and once the vows are said, no one should be stepping outside their marriage but, I am going to be aware of other possibilities.   The issue is, how do you stop from emotions getting involved?

Regardless of what a Husband and Wife decide to do, the Love and the Home should never be at risk.  The moment your Peace is compromised, there is a problem.  *And there are many people who do not know how to truly fortify their marriages.  These are the ones that fail.

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Letting Go

Many of us have experienced or are still experiencing the redundancy of going back and forth with the same person.  Whether it is the fear of starting over and not finding someone who will know us the way this person does or whether we feel there is possibility of it working out if only he/she would work less, listen more, call more, spend time more....blah, blah, blah.....whatever the reason, you will not know the possibilities of this relationship if you do not let go.  You two may come back together and be the perfect match after taking time apart and growing individually.  OR, if you do not learn to let go, you may be keeping yourself from someone who is waiting for you and is exactly the type of person you want as your partner.  

If my ex and I had this conversation many years ago, we would have save each other from so much unnecessary stress and disappointment, but that is past 'woulda coulda shouldas' and I will make sure there will not be any future ones! (I do not have the patience nor the energy to go back and forth with someone who I have concluded to not be the type of person I can imagine spending the rest of my days with.  There are far too many souls who may connect better with mine.)

Just think about it, there are people who are married for 20-30 years and decide to get divorced because they came to the realization that they are no longer a cohesive couple.  There is nothing wrong with starting over and there is absolutely noting wrong expressing to this person that you cannot be a better you if this relationship keeps running into the same issues.  It's time to let it go.