She's Too Young For You, Bro.

Question 1: What is an appropriate age to begin dating?

Question 2: What is an appropriate age gap between two people whom are dating?

I had this conversation with a friend once and we discussed the difference between a 20 year old man and 20 year old woman verses a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman.

The late R&B artist, Aaliyah, had a song called "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" but not long after that song was released, we find out she allegedly had an inappropriate romance with an older man when she was just 14 years old.

Celebrities, people in entertainment, and people who make vast amounts of money sometimes break the lines of what is appropriate. I don't have to list their names, I'm sure you can think of a few. I'm no celebrity and 90% of my friends aren't celebrities, but the 10% who are well known definitely do not get seriously involved with those too young. So to us, what's abnormal IS indeed abnormal.

The age gap between two people isn't necessarily the bigger issue, it's the age of the people themselves and the place card they're at in life. At 25, what is your focus? Would it be the same as someone who is 40? That's a 15 year gap. Although, at 35, you may be on the same playing field as someone who is 50. And here’s a thought, at any age you could be working retail management with a 50k salary, good benefits, taking one nice vacation a year, and that would be enough for you. So you could be 45 and your partner 30, doing the same thing.

There are people who comment that a man who is dating someone much more younger is not fully connected with himself, matured, or disciplined enough so he wants to be with someone who keeps him feeling or looking young…while his friends and family observe and discuss their thoughts in private. I presume it may be the same for when a woman dates a much younger man….but, I’ve not reached those years yet where that could be a reality in my circle.

There is no set age of when someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but with each new age we reach, we do become different people in the sense that we make decisions each year that shape us and we can either be better equipped to be in a relationship or need more time to ourselves. I'm not in my twenties and with technology changing the way we live, social media having more influence, and resources evolving, many young twenty year olds cannot relate to what I experienced while I was in my twenties or even my teenage years for that matter.

My friends and I joke about the music we used to listen to, the mixtapes we used to make with radio songs, having a phone with the long spiral cord, holding hands with your crush at the skating rink, and getting excited when pagers were a hot thing. I don't see myself being serious with someone who I cannot have similar conversations with, but that's only part of it. There also needs to be similar professional and personal missions.  If all you can discuss with me is the grass being green, I will grow tired of you fairly quickly. My mind cannot work with dense conversations.

I should not void out that a woman of a certain age and accomplishments is not the same as a man of a certain age and accomplishments.  I don't ever see myself providing a life for someone who is fully capable of proving their own desired lifestyle. But, a man may be okay with that and may not have any hesitation with dating younger; it's the dating someone too young that may raise some questions.

Hey, if you're happy, what does anyone else think? Enjoy your relationship. Be proud of it. If you feel like it's wrong, then you may need to ask yourself some questions and search for your own answers.

Business Woman to Business Wife

Would you change your career for your partner? Or stop working completely? This was a recent topic of discussion among my friends and I; single, married, and engaged.

My simple answer is, Yes.

Yes, I would consider changing the direction of my career, but if I end my career for him, I am not going to stop working. I am either going to take on business projects with him or I am going to find a hobby that brings me income.

Some of you who know me may be thinking this goes against everything I stand for: Independence, Working Women, Women in Business, etc. No, no, no…I am still very much advocate for those things, but when you are in a partnership, a commitment with someone, you lay out all your thoughts and plans in which the two of you want to follow through with. If believe in my partner and he can afford to carry both of us, plus our family, and there are factors in our relationship that I can cater to better, then yes, I will change my direction, but he will also need to understand that I will still remain lucrative. If I am choosing to give up a my salary, the salary that has allowed me to cover my financial responsibilities and grants me to do all the things I enjoy doing, there is going to be a reasonable compromise, whatever that may look like for us.

Many single women have learned to maintain themselves without Prince Charming (by the way, most of us prefer the Prince who thinks he’s a Frog over the Frog who thinks he’s a Prince. Let that sink in for a bit), so it may be hard for some of us to make adjustments. We have conditioned ourselves to obtain the necessities without the man, so Why would I want to share my closet space? Don’t lose hope fellas, be patient with us, for not all of us are lost into the black hole of estrogen dominance…Just build her a bigger closet.

In another posting, I mentioned the different standards with men and women and the stigma that surrounds their responsibilities. The men provide, the women comfort. And really, women are a bit tougher, yeah we may be more emotional and most times we aren't making much sense, but of the two sexes, we were granted to ability to bare children and withstand the many levels of struggles and triumphs life can throw at us which includes, knowing when and how to coddle a man who wants to be comforted more than he is willing to admit.

In a 2013 survey, 43% of women quit their jobs after marriage because they now have a new role, new responsibilities. I do not fault women who chose to do this. I know plenty of couples who have been successful with separating roles. For some duos, it is beneficial for the marriage for the wife to be home, the kids do not have to be in daycare and are better attended to, the wife manages the home and activity schedules, possibly helps organize the finances, etc. You take on those stairs, I’ll take on these, and we’ll meet at the top. And there there are relationships where the roles are conjoined, We both look over the finances, we both tackle the issues, we both maintain our home, we both work on projects together, etc.

There are plenty of things wives can do to 1. Support their Husbands, 2. Stay Lucrative, and 3. Maintain Knowledge of Business Practices. Here is a take from a divorcee who says, "Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job." Although, how you chose to keep stability in your married life is a personal and private discussion with your spouse. What may work for you may not work for others.

Working women have acquired several useful business skills in their careers that can be helpful to her husband, her marriage, her family, because with most of us, the definition of a wife is not someone who only cooks, cleans, and raises the children; the definition is being a Partner which means that we discuss big decisions that may change the dynamics of our lives and we come to an agreement that we are both comfortable with.

The same concepts in business will still apply with our relationship: Why? Because it is a Partnership.

• We do not discuss problems outside of our partnership unless it is an unbiased source (There may be some exceptions depending the seriousness of the issue and who we are sharing our personal business with.)

• We do not speak ill of one another to other people (I once read something that said, “The weakest thing a man can do is talk badly about his woman to others.” And of course it works the same way with women.)

• We take the time to talk to one another about changes in plans or goals (If we have to “call a meeting” with each other, then so be it. We both need to understand each other to be a benefit to one other.)

• We do not make final or permanent decisions without the other

• If we are continuously at odds and cannot seem to meet in the middle, then we need to consider dissolving the relationship without any added stress

When you allow someone into your life, change will happen; work together towards the best. You don't let something go that you already know is great to see about a different possibility. You make what's great even greater. (Read that again, some of you missed it.)

For those of you ladies who are married or soon to be married and there are talks of you leaving your employer, here are some tips and advice to consider:

• Give your boss at least 2-4 weeks notice depending on the depth of your position and how long it may take to train a replacement.

• Be honest about why you are leaving. You want to focus on your marriage and family. Maybe your spouse has a more lucrative offer in another city or state. (A friend of mine is soon to be married and her fiance has an offer to an elevated position in another city a few hours away, I told her, "Honey, you better put in your notice and let your husband be great so you can be great together!")

• See if there is a possibility of you to work part time or as a consultant, especially is your role requires a lot of skill that may take more than 4 weeks to train someone new. Plus, you never know, consulting may be something you can take on to stay in the business loop.

Here is a article that has a sample: How To Resign From Your Job Due to Marriage

Sidebar: For me to make compromises he will need to be spectacular and do the unexpected. For instance, if you tell me you are stopping at the store and want to know if I want anything and I say No, get me a candy bar. Twix. Spectacular does not have to be extravagant. Although, surprising me with a weekend getaway would be nice too. Balance.

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Waiting for Who?

I don't date, not because there is not any suitable men.  There are plenty.  

I don't date, not because I'm secretly wanting my ex to come back around.  He already tried and it ain't happening.  

I don't date, not because I think I'm not worthy of a good man.   I'll make any man happy and proud.  

I don't date, not because my standards are too high or I'm superficial.  My wants fit the lifestyle which I've accustomed myself to.  

I don't date, not because I'm "waiting".  Waiting for who?

No, I don't date because I have a list of ventures I need to achieve before giving my time and attention to someone other than myself and my children.

I'm still BUSY.

And the audacity of some men to think or assume that a single woman is single because there is something wrong with her is asinine! Or that she is putting more strain on herself by remaining single is more ridiculous!  How about you fools SEE ME LESS!

What I've witnessed from the past 6 years of being single is that some men say they like a woman who is ambitious, keeps a steady schedule, and wants the most out of life, but when the man wants attention that isn't available to give, there is a problem.  I don't tolerate problems, especially if I'm not dating you and if I don't consider you any kind of friend then I don't owe you any of my attention.  And I'm not apologetic about it.

Don't get me wrong, there are men who are very understanding and I appreciate them, they applaud my growth and want me to be amazing; they accept me as I am and give me my space to be great, but these other men....need to stay out of my path.

Let me tell you something...."I'm not over here waiting to be rescued.  There is nothing wrong with my self-esteem, if anything, my self-esteem is too high!  I like my life and I like my progress.  Is it perfect? NO.  Is it easy? NO.  But, I'm not complaining and I'm surely not about to have some man come in and change or dictate everything that I've done and I also won't let him come into my life and reap all my benefits without providing equivalency or stability."

I don't ask for much because I'm getting it myself but, if you cannot ADD value, then don't try to take value from me.

Can you Survive It?

Can you survive an open relationship?

Having an open relationship generally means you and your partner agree to date/sleep with other people without recourse.  Could you be okay with this arrangement?  Does this mean you don't love each other?  Is there more chance of separating?  What if your partner falls in love with the other person?  What are the rules?

I do not think this is a "NEW" way of how relationships can function.  I believed this has been an option (even if it is the last) and reality for many couples for many decades. 

For myself personally, it is not in my make-up to be with someone other than my partner, yet do I think my partner should practice the same discipline?  Ideally, yes. 

In a recent post I stated:

"All I ask of my partner is to be good to my health and my heart.  However he translates that or acts on that is on him.  As my husband, I expect a man to handle me as his wife, a woman who he placed on a high pedestal and who he promised to love, cherish, and protect."

Read full post HERE.

What a man is not going to do is have our lives play out like a reality tv show where I can clearly see him kissing face with someone else.  No sir, you can pack your shit now!  Some men are out here creating new relationships while still involved in one.  The moment you begin to invest into someone else is the same moment your home begins to crack.

With a celebrity reference, a Hip-hop artist mentioned that his wife said, "It's not the cheating that hurts, it's the type of bitches he cheats with." 

We can translate this is many ways...

Yes, it is a bit questionable when a man decides to entertain a woman who is completely opposite from his wife.  The wife may wonder why he would be attracted to someone who does not have her same values or qualities.  But, think about it; he married her for those characteristics; gallivanting with someone of the same nature would be more threatening, No?

Similar to my past, the man I was with for many years invested in someone who was not like me at all.  I did not see the attraction but, over time I cared less and less about this ordeal and let them go off on a journey together while I ventured on to a better life. Men, you cannot give 2 women at the same time the same promises. You are setting the tone completely wrong...hence my last post.

And, Ladies, you cannot control a man with your pu**y.  As good as it may be, there are plenty of other women throwing it to him.  The defining character will be the caliber of man HE IS.  Is he a man of messiness or a man of thoughtfulness? Messy men bring home distractions, babies and, other women to your doorstep. Thoughtful men bring home conversation, love, and attention.

Granted, wrong is wrong and once the vows are said, no one should be stepping outside their marriage but, I am going to be aware of other possibilities.   The issue is, how do you stop from emotions getting involved?

Regardless of what a Husband and Wife decide to do, the Love and the Home should never be at risk.  The moment your Peace is compromised, there is a problem.  *And there are many people who do not know how to truly fortify their marriages.  These are the ones that fail.

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Men Set The Tone

I know I've said this countless times before but since it's inevitable for people to misdirect themselves or others, let me continue to say it....

Men set the tone for a relationship because Men propose the relationship.

Let me repeat....MEN (the ones with a penis and an Adam's apple) set the tone for a relationship because MEN propose the relationship. 

It's interesting the type of men who come across me these days. And the ques they don't think I pick up on or see as a red flag.  Maybe because no one has addressed it with them or they just feel they should take a shot anyway.  Who knows but, I'm going to make you aware of what I see to be an issue.

A man told me he was going through a divorce. His soon to be ex has been giving him a hard time through the trials and they have a young child together.  After telling me all the details of how he feels and the type of man he is, caring, hard working, understanding of all women's wants and needs, etc., he then attempts to ask if I'd like to go out sometime. 

Really sir????

I told him I'm a different mindset in my life and not interested. I also told him it takes time and whether or not he has bad feelings towards his ex, she and their son will need time to accept and process everything. 

Had I accepted his pass, I'd be accepting that I'm going on a "date" with a MARRIED MAN since their divorce is not final yet. And from what this man has revealed, he ex is still sensitive about the divorce so I'm opening myself up to unnecessary drama. Plus, he has a young child, I would expect for the man to make sure his child gets through the divorce before trying to pursue a new woman. — This is the tone he wanted to set?

If you are going to approach a woman with the intentions of something more, approach her fully free of whatever past or obstacle that may hinder you from being great for her and approach her fully prepared to accept the type of woman she is...whether or not something comes of it.  Not every connection is meant to be more.

Once a relationship is started, the man continues to set the tone within the union. BUT, a woman also sets the tone for how a man treats her and behaves towards her. And Women sure as hell should never, NEVER EVER, chase a man.

The issue we face today is that the ratio of men to women is lower than the ratio of women to men. Men have far more to chose from and they know it. And sometimes there is no standards with them — as long as she is pretty and does what he wants. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of men, but women are a bit more meticulous when choosing partners.

Do Men Settle?

When it comes to dating and relationships, women are always telling each other, "Never settle." Do men go through the same notions? 

The act of "settling" is best defined by the person who believes she has settled. It does not necessarily take away from the man, he could still be a great guy, but ultimately, he was not her ideal man or first choice. Hence, he did not meet a certain criteria for her but, overall he was good enough and she just wanted a relationship. 

Do men settle for a woman who was not his ideal match but, instead a woman who is just good enough? A woman who he feels will always be present in his life, no matter the circumstances? Or is it, that woman was always truly the one for him? Therefore, would he begin to condition his thoughts and feeling to adequately "accept" her?

Maybe men have settled into a lifestyle that has worked for them: those who have a way of talking a woman into doing what he wants by saying sweet affirmations and complimenting her in some form; those who have learned to disguise their ulterior motives very well; those who just have a way with women that can't be easily explained.  BUT, some women allow themselves to believe that if she does not appease a man, he will not consider her. Sighs to my fallen ladies whom are trapped in this way of thinking.

Honestly, men are simple beings, Fellas, I say that in the most loving way.  I believe men want different things at different times, and maybe from different people.  On Friday, he may just want sex.  On Saturday, he may just want to catch a movie.  On Sunday, he may just want to talk.  Each of these days may be with different people and the rest of the days, he may just want to be left alone.  The problem is, many men do not know how to articulate exactly what they want from a woman, and ladies, it's our fault…We get too emotional and too wrapped up on the wrong details.  We always want to know the WHY of things.  

Here is something to keep in mind: MEN DO NOT LIKE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES OR REVEAL THEIR FAULTS.  A woman's emotional state can cause a man to not be completely upfront with a her because she wants to harp on every fukcing minuscule detail that has nothing to do with the bigger picture and he does not want the headache.  The point is, if he wants to love you, he will love you and you will feel loved, not needing to question his every word or action.

If it takes years for a man to chose you (not years of consistent dating, just years of going back and forth with you), then I am eager to wonder why his heart was absent for you when yours wasn't absent for him.  Although, it is in our nature to be patient, yes?

So do men really settle or does it just take a long time for them to realize what's good for them? And was what is good from them someone they already had a relationship with or someone who was always there, no matter the status?

It’s a slippery slope when dealing with emotions and everyone’s wants are different. There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?”

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

She Did WHAT?!

Ladies, I don't want to judge but, I just cannot get my brain to wrap around the idea of it being "acceptable" for a woman to propose...

Let's just go ahead and emasculate a man completely and get down on one knee with a box from Jared's....

Let us women just take control of the relationship and weaken a man's dignity...

So, who is going to go dress shopping with him and make sure his figure looks great in a fitted gown?  Will he get french tips?  How high should his heels be?  Which bouquet will he pick out?  Will you cry when you see him walk towards you down the aisle with his hair and makeup all done?

Can you grasp my discontentment of this whole idea?

It is NOT MY PLACE to ask a man to be my husband.  I feel the same way about a woman proposing a relationship (if you've been reading my previous post, you already know this.)

Yes, I believe in a trusted and sacred union of two people but, I also believe a man's role is separate from a woman's role when it comes to being in this union.  We are equal in heart and can mentally balance each other but, a woman's position is not the same as a man's. 

I look to a man to lead us into a relationship further leading us into marriage.  However he decides to begin that path is mainly for his benefit, I either take the path with him and accepted what I am compromising or walk alone in another direction.

And let me not start on the men who allow their women to drop down on one knee to propose to them. Something in the relationship occurred or behaviors the man has displayed let his woman know that she has to take the first step to becoming husband and wife.  Maybe I'm too old school, maybe I need to get with the times, maybe I should just go sit my single ass down somewhere, but I will not and I repeat, I WILL NOT ASK A MAN FOR HIS HAND IN MARRIAGE!

Expectations of a Man

Just because you are nice to a woman, does not mean your are entitled to her affections...

<<< Who is this man?

Can we find him and make him POTUS?!

Be a good human, don't put on that facade to only gain a woman's attention.  If I am already not showing you interest, nothing in your "niceness" will change my mind.  The only thing that I will think is, "Huh, he's sweet." ...that's it and I will move on about my day.

I won't take anything more from a nice guy's behavior, but I also don't want the nice guy to deplete all his efforts into me when I am not available or willing to give him the same.  It's one thing to become a friend who I can count on and who I can converse to without it being awkward, it's another thing to be a man who's waiting on a weak moment to make his move on me.  This is why I am always hesitant to make male friends, I never really know their true intentions, especially the ones who revealed their feelings towards me in the beginning.

Yet, even if I do not adhere to his advances, it doesn't mean he should revert to being an asshole towards me. — And if you are the type of man to go toe-to-toe with a woman, then what type of man are you really??

Moving on, let's refer to the song, "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown and some of the lyrics...

Ohhhh, girl

As long as I've been giving my love to you

You should be giving me your love too

But you just keep on actin' just like a fool

You know it ain't cool

Girl, I work so hard for you from 9 to 5

So you could have the finer things in life

Since you're the kind that's never satisfied

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TREAT A WOMAN LIKE SHE IS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU! 

Okay to be fair, the song is more about a man and a woman, presumably in a relationship or maybe the early stages of dating, so there could be reasons why he is doing the most for this woman.  Either way, a good man is a good man all around, not just for the sake of a woman.  If he wants to extend his expectations, so be it but, don't get upset at the woman because of something you decided to do to make her happy and she didn't seem to appreciate it.

(Don't worry fellas, my next post is about the Expectations of a Woman, and trust me, my thoughts on that are more exhaustive.)

If you feel you are not being appreciated or she does not show you the same qualities, THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?  This is no different than a woman giving her all to a man who doesn't deserve it.  Move it along and find someone who shares your same views on relationships and love.

For me, the only thing I expect from any man is understanding and respect of my space, that is the minimum for a potential husband. 

Now, if a man does graduate to become my spouse or a serious partner at the very least, then my expectations will be a little more, because I will expect him to consider me in his decisions if we are planning to build a future together.  I would expect for him to be side by side with me in maintaining stability for our present state and for whatever future goals we have.  This includes, but not limited to, location of main residence, type and function of residence, financial allocations, parenting tactics, involvement in social activities, charity or volunteering, retirement goals, vacation plans, and the list goes on. 

I will agree it is harder to get into a relationship now because the make-up of the man has changed mainly because the make-up of the woman has evolved.  Everything that I am doing in my life right now, I don't want to stop, I want to expand on it.  Make more money, travel more, have more time to facilitate with friends and family.  If a man can add upon that, then GREAT but, even if he is willing to do that for me, doesn't mean I am owed him anything due to his willingness.  Nor will I jump at the opportunity to take advantage of his generosity....again, 'Expectations of a Woman' in the next post.

Must Read For Women

You cannot make a man want you.  As much as you may like him and try to hide your "crazy" so he takes interest in you, you still CANNOT make him want you if he has no thoughts of wanting you or being serious with you.

When a man likes you, he will make the effort to tell you, show you, because again, he will be the one to pursue and court you.

BUT, ladies hear me out....we also need to identify the man that we may have our eyes on.  Watch how he interacts with other women, are you just another face in the crowd or does he make a special effort to be different towards you?  A man will not change just because you ask him to.  If he has a lot of women lusting over him, that may not stop once you have him but, what should stop is how he addresses the other women.  If you are in his consideration, he will make the right moves to accommodate your heart. 

I have a male friend who I poke fun of because he seems to be the type that loves attention.  I call him a hoe and a floozy all the time.  But, in actuality, whatever he does on his own time is none of my business and he is a single man, so he can behave as single men may do.  As far at the attention element, that is due to the of the type of business he is in, so his behavior towards women may be flirtatious or very friendly but, that is just how he engages with them. Aside from all of that, he's a good guy.

  We cannot be naive about the attention we may receive or overthink his affections or lack there of.  Keep in mind that men who are very driven and focused on their careers/success may not have eyes on any woman because he does not want to give the wrong impression when he knows he cannot offer a woman his full time or attention.

Another male friend of mine falls into this mold.  I barley can get him on the phone because he is constantly traveling, in and out of meetings, making business deals, etc. And we've talked briefly about relationships and having someone to spend time with but, we are both in the same structure in life where we know we cannot fully offer ourselves to someone just yet...we still have some work to do.

All and all, Ladies, you should never have to chase a man.  If he wants you, he'll come for you.

What They Want

I recall a few interesting things my friend said to me once about a woman he knows...

(*names are changed)

Summary of what my friend disclosed: Tara is a fitness trainer and so was her boyfriend at the time.  Tara was seeing Robert during the she had a boyfriend.  Tara's boyfriend was Robert's fitness trainer. Tara and Robert eventually stopped seeing each other when he got engaged to someone else and married her.  Robert's parents liked Tara better but, he still married someone else.  At one point Robert asked Tara to train his wife because they were about to go an a vacation....

Of everything in this information, my fiend only seemed to be discerned about the fact Robert wanting to get his wife trained.  To my understanding my friend thought that it was maybe an insult to his wife because he wanted her to get fit....

Here are my two cents:

1. Tara did not display to be a trustworthy partner since she was sleeping with Robert while she also had a boyfriend.

2. How do you know the parents liked her better?  Are you just going off of what she told you? What Tara perceived may have been better but, does she know the type of relationship Robert's wife has with his parents?

3. No matter who the parents liked more, Robert is the one who decided which woman he ultimately wanted to propose to.

4. The only hesitation I see with Robert asking Tara to train his wife is the fact that Robert and Tara used to be intimate...it is unknown if the wife was privy to this information.

5. How do you know that Robert and his wife did not agree before hand to get fit?  You cannot underestimate the communication between husband and wife.

6. Not only for Robert but, also for his wife, being fit and looking good is a benefit to them both.

**Dear friend, if you are reading this and I misinterpreted what you said, please feel free to correct me.

No one will ever know or should ever know the fine details in someone else's marriage.  We cannot always flow with what someone on the outside tells us.  I do not personally know "Tara", my friend says she is a great person and that could be very true and I am not placing any judgement against her.  We all have our reasons for the decisions we make.  My point of this is that a husband and wife have a special relationship, maybe not the best, but their relationship is definitely outlined differently than another relationship that holds another title.  So us being on the outside cannot assume that a husband's request or even a wife's request was not already discussed and agreed upon with their partner.

Devaluing Your Partner

When you speak negatively about your partner, or even when you make jokes with negative undertones, it lessens the value of your partner and takes from their confidence in the relationship.  Not only that, but others also gain a sense of "right" to then ridicule your partner. 

I don't know about you but, anyone who speaks against the one I am with also speaks against ME.

You chose your partner as well as your partner chose you.  So what goes against them also goes against you.  Instead of breaking down my partner, I would rather guide, uplift, and encourage him.

No relationship we have is simple, even if it seems easy because the two of you get along, there will still be times of dispute.  I am a firm believer of keeping personal matters private especially when involving a spouse or partner.  We can ask for outside support but, any detailed issues should be resolved privately between the two.  With my personal experience in my last run at love, our issues were NOT private since there was a third party involved who sought the demise of our relationship.  And this third party involved others as well, so I could not address anything privately and nothing could be resolved other than the decision for me to leave and move on with my life.

BUT, even during this madness, I did not speak unjustly of my partner, I basically let everyone know he was figuring things out and we were going to do the best we can for our family...even though I knew deep down inside, I was ready for it to be over.

And I might have made these statements before but, when you love someone, it's not enough to just tell him "I love you". It's how you love him.  You partner doesn't just want to hear those words but, to also live in the feeling of your them.  When you make less of your actions, you make less of your words, your sincerity, your promise to support and protect the love you have for your spouse.

I do not know when I will find myself in another relationship and I do not want to love the wrong person again but, I know he is going to love everything I offer him.

When he's happy, I share his joy
When he's proud, I am proud with him
When he's hungry, I prepare his plate
When he's lonely, I sit with him
When he's ill, I bring him tea and soup
When he's cold, I cuddle him
When he's stressed, I lay his head on my lap
When he's wrong, I tell him about his rights
When he's lost, I guide him back home to me
- Raya L.

Letting Go

Many of us have experienced or are still experiencing the redundancy of going back and forth with the same person.  Whether it is the fear of starting over and not finding someone who will know us the way this person does or whether we feel there is possibility of it working out if only he/she would work less, listen more, call more, spend time more....blah, blah, blah.....whatever the reason, you will not know the possibilities of this relationship if you do not let go.  You two may come back together and be the perfect match after taking time apart and growing individually.  OR, if you do not learn to let go, you may be keeping yourself from someone who is waiting for you and is exactly the type of person you want as your partner.  

If my ex and I had this conversation many years ago, we would have save each other from so much unnecessary stress and disappointment, but that is past 'woulda coulda shouldas' and I will make sure there will not be any future ones! (I do not have the patience nor the energy to go back and forth with someone who I have concluded to not be the type of person I can imagine spending the rest of my days with.  There are far too many souls who may connect better with mine.)

Just think about it, there are people who are married for 20-30 years and decide to get divorced because they came to the realization that they are no longer a cohesive couple.  There is nothing wrong with starting over and there is absolutely noting wrong expressing to this person that you cannot be a better you if this relationship keeps running into the same issues.  It's time to let it go.

Good Men

Look, we can sit here and man bash until we run out of words, but the reality is not all men are liars, cheaters, egotistical, losers, who are just focused on their next conquest. We women choose who we are attracted to. Sometimes we are not attracted to the good ones and I raise my hand on this one. YES, there are good men who are single and want to settle down with a good woman. Are you worthy of a good man? Think about it before answering. Do you carry yourself in such a way that he can be proud to have you by his side? That his family can be proud? That his friends respect? A woman he can seek comfort in without judgement or criticism? Do you invoke intrinsic thoughts or are you just...eye candy?

Let's be honest, we analyze everything about a man, from his attire to his demeanor around other people. We subconsciously question his every move, "Why did he turn his phone over?". We search for things we have no reason to search for. We look passed red flags hoping our intuitions are wrong. We CREATE red flags that are irrelevant. Sometimes, we, yes, WOMEN, can be the source of our relationship failures whether we know early on if the man is no good but we still pursue or if he just seems too good to be true and we look for flaws. WHY?

STOP IT.

Once you see something that you know will become a major problem, address it but, don't magnify something that is minuscule, like him not calling you or texting you everyday. He does have a life, he could very well be busy. Especially if you two just met, you have to give it time to learn each other's languages before jumping to conclusions and yes, I have been guilty of this. I've assumed and I've fabricated complete stories in my head on why a man has not called and it's silly! You know you're great, give him time to know it too, if not, hey, someone else will see what he didn't. That's just the reality of dating. If you are already in a relationship and have "language" problems, then most likely you looked passed certain issues before having an understanding or you jumped into the relationship too soon.

Also, you must learn that being wrong isn't being weak (as stubborn and as strong willed as I am, I have learned to identify when I need to back down and let him say what he has to say and accept it. It's not just about me and what I think and what I think isn't always accurate.) I was recently brought back to a realist perception after I made comments to a man that insinuated he was placing me in an unflattering category. He responded with statements that made me quiet and realize that I was making accusations without significant cause. I backed down, apologized, and said he was right.

Before anything, you two are supposed to be friends. Ask yourself, Is this a friend you want to keep long-term or do you feel the bond will digress over time? In which case you either need to invest smart or withdraw quickly.