GENTLE-Men

March 29, 2025

Fellas, we expect a lot form you at times, don’t we? You know, we want you to be respectful, honest, dependable, and not hurt us. That’s a lot for some of you, no? I’ve come across all types of different men. Here’s what I’ve learned. The men have good character and values are genuinely gentle towards women in how they treat them and speak to them, even when they are upset with them. These men also know that there’s all types of women too and that all women do not deserve their time and attention. That’s not to say those women are bad people, it more in regards to a man knowing the types of women who compliment their character and ways of life. We talk about the whole age gap thing a few times here and that is one of the factors to consider if you are a man of honor, value and distinction. I heard there’s an equation distinguished men use when calculating the acceptable dating age of women. The equation is 1/2 your age plus 7. So fellas, take how old you are now and, divide that by 2, and then add 7 to that number. The number you end up with the the youngest age you should consider appropriate when dating a woman. Of course this is up for debate, especially for those of you who say, “Age ain’t nothing but a number.” - Again, OK R.Kelly, go ahead and be out here looking crazy chasing after these young girls and getting caught up in those antics. I know some men who made their lives more difficult because they decided to go inappropriately younger with the women they entertain, but hey, do what you want.

The equation is also subjective if the woman is already into her 30s and has reached certain milestones. That’s what my second audio clip is about. That clip is from a previous topic after receiving some feedback from you guys. But let’s move on for that and keep going with how there’s a difference between men and gentlemen.

The third audio clip was also from a previous topic about how certain men know how to be private and discreet. Remember, I used the words discretion and propriety. Men of class and distinction practice these qualities in their everyday activities. This helps them avoid any flack or negative feedback they may get from other people. I admire my guy friends who are discreet in the way they move. They are not secretive because they do deny or lie about anything they may be doing, but they just share simple information without going into the details. For instance, if I ask one of my friends if they are dating a particular person, they will admit to it, but they won’t go into the detail of that relationship no matter if it’s serious or casual. And with my guys friends, those relationships are all casual. But this also allows them to be gentle to the women around them, because they are not sharing too many details about other relationships they may be involved in, they are not pigeonholed to behaving rudely, disrespectfully, or distantly towards other women in their company. Men who are in this category know exactly what I mean.

Now going back to the types of women who compliment a man’s character and way of living. There’s a lot of men who do not know how to distinguish the difference. With my guy friends, I think I’ve said this to them in so many words, maybe not exactly like this, but I’ll make sure they know this is what I think of them. My guy friends are one of a kind. They may welcome everyone to sit with them, but they are also aware that not everyone fits with them. Does that make sense? I am the same way. I meet people all the time and I am friendly and welcoming, but I am also aware that not everyone is going to fit into my mode. Like to my guy friends that have their girlfriends, those girls can sit with us, but that doesn’t mean they fit with us and many times they sense that too. My friends and I, we are top tier, we’re all on our shit, we make moves that you don’t forget about. And again, we’ll allow you to come hangout with us, but that doesn’t mean we believe you match our synergy. And I’d say most of my guy friends make sure their female companions are respectful of me otherwise, they keep them away from me. And I’d do the same for them if I had a male companion that has any issues with my guy friends.

The term gentlemen doesn’t emulate all men. A true gentleman has a certain finesse about him and believe me, I’ve had men approach me with no finesse and they keep trying and trying with no luck. Like it’s great you are persistent, good for you, but when you have no mack and no game, it’s just embarrassing for all of us. A gentleman knows how to see a woman, observe her moves, and approach her in a way that captures her attention, even if he’s not approaching her with a romantic interest. And even though my guy friends know me and have spent time with me, they still speak with me with gentleness, and yeah, they flirt with me and get fresh, but they never cross the line. Their finesse with me is more about seeing me as the female friend who they can relax with, and who can roll with them without any issues or judgement. They are my GENTLEmen.

So ladies, depending on how you are, what you are about, and how you carry yourself, you’ll attract men who will naturally be gentle with you and are protective of you. I don’t think that I have any man in my life who I call a friend who won’t want to help me in some way if I asked for it. So yeah, another part of men being gentleman is a woman being the type of woman she is.

Be safe everyone.

Love Delicately

March 19, 2025

“Loving Hard Isn’t Always The Best Way”

Let’s break down this concept. We usually hear people say, “I love hard”, but is that really a good thing? I’m one of those people who used to say it and here’s what I’ve learned about this concept in my experiences with relationships.

What do we mean when we say we love hard? I supposed it means we have strong feelings towards someone, but let’s translate that a little bit further. Having strong feelings is not necessarily a problem, although it can become a problem if the other person doesn’t share the same sentiments. Loving hard roughly translates to the idea that you are all in on a relationship and you would do anything for a person, that doesn’t sound to bad, right? But let’s keep diving deeper. Loving hard could also indicate someone being very possessive, controlling, insecure, and jealous. Are any lightbulbs going off in your heads right now?

It’s great if you deeply care about someone, but it’s unhealthy if you constantly need to be updated on their whereabouts, what they are doing and what they are planning to do, or what decisions they are going to make. Of course there’s some gray area here if the two of your share a home, have children together, or make financial decisions together, then yes, you should be informed of decisions surrounding those topics. Outside of that, you really just have to rely on what you know about the person.

If I am dating someone, I don’t expect him to tell me every move he’s making. Maybe in conversations with him, he may give me a heads up on what he may do, but I wouldn’t expect him to give me all the details. Here’s my thing, if you are living in the wrong, there’s nothing you can do right by me (that statement is more for deeper thoughts). If you are just playing games with me or keeping important information from me that I would need to know, then your moves are going to be hurtful to me in one way or another. But if you lay out who you are and your intentions, I don’t have to wonder about anything or feel like I need to be reassured all the time. My love is now delicate. I can love the flaws you have or the imperfections in our relationship as long as you are also aware of these things and keeping them in mind when you interact with me or make plans with me.

I can be invested in you without needing to know everything about you, but I do need to know things that may affect our connection or our availability to each other. For example, if you are a father and you take your kids to soccer practice every Saturday, then I know those days are unavailable to me, unless to tell me differently. I’m not going to take advantage of that time to go be cozy with someone else, that’s unfair to you, and doesn’t speak highly of my character either.

I am going to love someone as delicately as they allow me to. I’m not an advocate of going through someone’s phone or telling a man to show me his messages. If a man leaves his phone around me and it’s facing up, I’m turning that damn thing over. I don’t need to see anything that’s not for me to see or anything that he has not voluntarily shared with me. I’m not competing with anyone. I am in my own league and in my own lane. What you love about me or what you hate about me is your prerogative. I am a woman of value and means. You can accept what I bring and communicate with me what isn’t working for you or you can completely shut me out. As an adult, I would hope you know how to use your words by now, but I cannot expect everyone to have the same levels of maturity.

I have my life, you have your life, we can blend certain parts of our lives, but I don’t expect anyone to expose me to each inch of their world if we have not tangible connections such as a marriage, children, and financial assets. If I can only enjoy you on those small areas where our lives are blended, then I want to focus on that time. Anything outside of that, if it doesn’t affect me or have a negative impact on me, then it has nothing to do with me. It’s on us to keep the drama low or non-existent and big contribution to that is communicating and being transparent about of our intent with each other. I’m grown, I can’t deal with half ass conversations. We have to be good a talking to each other, otherwise, we are left to our own perceptions and sometimes our perceptions aren’t clear or 100% accurate. So ladies and gentleman, just talk to each other, so we don’t have to experience any unhealthy “love hard” type of relationships.

Be safe everyone.

I'm Just A Girl

March 7, 2025

“I Don’t Want To Be Anything Else Other Than A Woman.”

It is women’s history month so let’s just embrace being feminine. Women just have this allure about them. My friends keep claiming there's such thing as pretty privilege and double down that I have it. But I firmly believe that my persona is what grants me grace. Don’t get me wrong, I know how I look and I do lean into my features, but those aren’t my best qualities. My loved ones may say different things if they were asked what they love most about me, but the one common denominator is that I show up for them. I’ve learned that people avoid you when they know they've hurt you and there have been times where I still show up for those individuals. I guess what I’m saying is having heart is the best quality someone can have. I know I care more than I should at times. I know I give to much grace to people at times. I know I allow people to disappoint me at times. But I also know that with any difficulty I face, and what broken pieces are left behind, I will always preserver.

So ladies, no matter what your status is or where you're at in life what is something that makes you feel uplifted and unbreakable? I really want you to pull out your confidence. I’m strong in that area and there's no reason you can't be either. Well unless you're just mindless girl who lacks direction and value, then I highly suggest you start making better decisions for yourself. Someone who isn't on a path of prosperity, love, and growth will always feel intimidated and insecure around someone who is on that path. I’ve come across plenty girls who are intimidated by my presence, but I keep in mind that’s not something I can control, it’s something that is internal within those people. So again, ladies what is your motivation, your determining factors that gets your mind going and your feet moving? Don’t just be beautiful on the outside. And if you do get insecure around another woman, look into yourself and figure out what you think is lacking in your self-esteem or your life. Then make a plan to change directions.

My thing is, I try to welcome everyone, but if I'm not really friends with you or well acquainted with you and you do something to spite me or try to show me up, you’ve lost all grace from me. I’m a very likable person, I’m usually smiling and laughing when I’m around people and I will continue to smile and laugh around people who don't favor me, because my confidence doesn't come from them. It comes from the ones who love me and stand by me. There's a blurred line with confidence that you get from within yourself and the confidence you gain from others. My confidence doesn't come from anyone who doesn’t consider me or anyone who disregards me or takes my kindness for granted.

I’m a woman, even though I have a strong personality, I’m soft and pink at my core. There’s still things you have to be delicate with especially since I love delicately (I’ll explain that more in another topic). Women are sensitive creatures. And we love people wholly even when the love is blind and we can’t see that we’re loving the wrong people. But hey that wrong love was right for that moment. Women are complex beings. We go through so much internally that it can be hard to express it externally. I don't think the men I loved really understood me and part of that was me not fully opening up to them. Because at times I felt I had to be what they wanted me to be. Yes, I was once the girl who let men become part of my identity, there's nothing wrong with that if you're in a healthy bond with someone. My bond with the men I loved had unraveling pieces due to things not being said or shared. And I think that's why traditional relationships just won’t work for me, I’ve become an untraditional woman. Even the people in my circle are untraditional, I mean the friends I mentioned, you can tell they are untraditional. I don’t believe that one person should know everything about you. I recently found out something about a friend that made me even be more impressed with them. I love when people have an element of mystery in them, especially women. We are the Sirens.

Plus, there’s something classy about a mysterious woman, even a mysterious man — but fellas this topic isn’t about you today. Although, I’ll include you in this little piece. If you believe yourself to be a good man, even a “Good Man” like Savannah had in Waiting to Exhale, then connect with a good women who aren’t about being easy, Connect yourself with women who embody the qualities you’d want your own daughter to have. Connect with a woman who still presents herself with dignity when people try to break her. Connect with a woman who you see other good people rally for. Connect with a woman who is more than what she can do for you, but also what she can and has done for herself. Fellas, in a world of superficial ideals, don’t be a superficial man, don’t be a low value man, and don’t be an ashamed man. You are entitled to your mistakes and bad choices, but you are also responsible for repairing the parts you broke. For instance, my one and only ex, in his heart I do believe he wanted to repair what he broke with me, but in practice, he just didn’t have the aptitude to do it and I no longer had the energy to be patient or any more chances to give. This is the case for a lot of men I noticed. What they want to do and what they actually do isn’t aligned.

Ladies, yes, it can be difficult to navigate these new aged men. Even the grown ones have seemed to slip into instant gratification mindset and getting easily sucked into these newer generation’s appeals, but don’t feel you and to adopt those attributes to be seen. You are worth being seen as you are. If you have some personality flaws, no worries, as long as you identify them and working on yourself to be better, that’s all you can do. Just please, don’t aspire to be one of these women whose ready to fight anytime someone looks at them wrong. That’s why I cannot watch most of these reality shows, it’s all about gossip, getting back at someone, and fighting with each other. Please don’t think this is how you should be. Refer back to these topics, Learn Some Class, Embrace Growth, and Our Options, if you need a reminder of how you can be unperfect and still be an amazing person. I am not a feminist, but I do believe women should be more supportive of each other, but again, if you are nasty towards me or anyone I love, yeah….you’ll have to do a lot to dig yourself out of that hole.

Be safe everyone.

Social Topics

February 27, 2025

“BB, what are you doing?”

Sometimes social topics pop up in my professional networks. I was at a business event and we were talking about various things, then someone mentioned a well known general manager of an NFL team who is transitioning to college football. I don’t want to mention his name for discretion and propriety reasons, but anyone who knows sports knows the man I am referring to, especially when I say this other part. And the main reason I want to share this is due to all of you bringing this subject matter up routinely.

So the unnamed man is 72 years old and has recently gone public about his relationship with a 22 year old. For those of you who do not know who this is, I’ll give you a second for this to digest. I saw them televised at an event my first thought was, “Oh the internet about to chew him up.”

The comments among my professional colleagues are as you may expect them to be. One person said, “What do they have in common? They both like soup?” Another person said, “He’d get more respect if he just carries around a blow-up doll.” All comments were funny, but they also expressed their disgust about this man parading his over triple times younger partner. But there was this one thing someone else said which I 100% agree with. The person said, “He has the money, give her an allowance, buy her a condo or apartment and keep her out of the spotlight. Because having her stand next to you at public events is an embarrassment. We all know what she’s doing, but what in the hell is he doing? If you want to have a little toy or a pretty trinket, have it, but there’s a specific manner in which you have it.” - Do you agree with this as much as I do?

If you are someone who is highly regarded (sidenote: I’ve never been a fan of this unnamed man, and with this new ordeal of his, he’s lost even more favor, he really should have kept it to himself) but anyone who is a pillar or an admired person in their community or circles, there is a decorum you abide by. Another example, a huge music mogul is under fire for his private escapades. I’m sure many of you know who I am talking about and to be honest with you, I was not surprised of some of the revelations that came out about him, mainly because of what I saw in his public behavior, and remember we talked about this a few times, how you conduct yourself in public can be a tell of how you are in private. Plus, the things I’ve heard through the grapevine about him behind closed doors. There were a few incidences when I was younger where I had the opportunity to be in his presence and I decline. My instincts about him were to be very careful around him and his entourage. My father did not raise me to be a victim. Now, I’ve made questionable decisions in my life, but no decision I made has left me traumatized about being acquainted with powerful men. I know many powerful men, I also know not to accept certain invitations from them or not to lean into some of the things they may say or talk about.

Anyway, back to the football GM, majority of the people said he looks like a damn fool. Maybe she’s been pressuring him to go public about their relationship, maybe she has some damaging secrets about him, who knows, but if that’s the case, then that is his fault for allowing her to have that much leverage on him. The tail does not wag the dog, folks. And maybe, to keep her within his grasps he’s probably doing things that he really doesn’t like to do, like listening to Taylor Swift when he rather be listening to Dolly Parton. (I hope you all understand that difference, not just in age, but also the content). And we’re pretty sure the girlfriend is doing things she doesn’t really like to do as well, but we won’t point out this things. Aye, I know growing up, the girls were fast, but these days…baby they are being fast to secure their bags. Hey, I know Birkins ain’t cheap, but I ain’t laying down for one.

Maybe this is her way of getting ahead in life. Maybe she doesn’t have many other aspirations. Knowing how society is these days, she may pop up on a reality show or start her own podcast, or her next man may be a GM of a basketball team. If I was this type of woman, I wouldn't be involved with a man like this, especially a man who I know damn well I don't need to be linked if there's no longterm benefit for me, and I’m not just talking about a few Louboutins or Chanel bags, no if this relationship is as superficial as it is, something is going in my name, stocks, properties, I’m getting something more than being your arm candy and your sex slave. Did you ever see the Denzel Washington clip where he says, “I’m from around the way. I’m leaving here with something.” This may be what the girlfriend is doing? Her parents must be proud.

But is that the reality of the young people now? Everything is so expensive that it’s more difficult for them to obtain their own assets, so the girls lean more on older men to help them gain security, because if these young girls can’t get it on their own, it’s likely the boys their age aren’t getting it either. But one thing I have noticed is when a young man or woman has stabilized themselves financially, they’re not really looking to deal with anyone who hasn’t done the same, so again, a lot these girls are looking for someone to bring to the table what they can’t, and that’s what catches their eyes, that’s what keeps them interested in a man — the possibility of what he can secure for her. And a lot of these grown men fall for it and end up digressing from a high stature just to be appealing to people who can’t even meet their stature. I hope that didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

Again, I’ve told you guys, I have friends in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s, but I mesh better with the more mature circles because we’re about growth, progress, and business more than were are about partying. Don’t get me wrong, we still drink up and have great times, but our biggest focus is our comfort and stability and cultivating relationships that share the those same values so we can have those great times. I’m at a median age where in my dating life, I can go younger or I can go older and no one would bat an eye, because many people tend to be surprised when they learn how old I am and that I have an adult child.

Even one of my friends whose known me for almost 10 years just found out how old I am. He thought I was younger, he said how I look and what I talk about let him know that I was a lot more mature for my age, but he didn't realize I’m older than what he initially thought. And with the whole dating options, knowing how I am, I value intimacy with someone who is mentally within the same orbit, and the probability of a 25 year old meeting that is slim. And I’m not saying there aren’t any mature young people, I’m one who had to grow up faster than my peers, but even then, there were still things that I could not yet understand or comprehend until I got older.

My friends who are in their 20’s and 30’s many of them ask me for advice or my opinion on things, or sometimes they just like to be around me to experience how I enjoy my time and how comforfortable I am in my own skin, but with the young men, I do not blur the lines between friendship and something more personal because that’s when things get complicated and you end up taking on responsibilities and emotions that cloud your judgement and change the way you act. Kind of like the football GM.

But, to each their own. This is how I’m living my life, there’s no drama, and I’m going to sleep not wondering if someone is making me look foolish or if someone really has my best interest or not. I also don’t have to worry about defending my involvement with someone, because my friends know I’m not bringing anyone around if that person cannot fully and genuinely be welcomed by them especially when I’m not around. I’m not like every other woman, and I say that with confidence. I know what I offer, I know what I bring. You have to be patient, delicate, and make me feel comfortable enough for me to show you those parts of me, but I can assure you, I’m not going to show any of that to a 22 year old.

Be safe everyone.

Shay Nicole: Situationships

February 21, 2025

I want to share this clip from an influencer. Her name is Shay. She and her husband live in Houston. She was furlouged during Covid, so to pass the time started creating videos on how to make thrifting look luxurious. When she achieved a large following her content evolved to more lifestyle topics for women. She's not shy about sharing how she met her husband. The started their relationship through Instagram where he sent her a message first. They had a long distance relationship and eventually as things became more serious, she relocated and now they have a beautiful marriage where in some of her content you can see how he looks at her and showers her with love and affection. Shay also sometimes shares how to keep her marriage thriving. But in this clip below she has a message to women. Listen to her message, then come back for my intake.

No. 1, I love this message. It's honest and very relative to the type of relationships people are getting themselves in. I agree with everything she said. Situationships are easy to get into and sometimes you don't realize you're in one until you start to consider what's happening and what has happened with a person. And the main thing is situationships can be hard to get out of because you just became so used to the person even if they are not fulfilling your wants and needs.

Here’s No. 2, this message isn't for me or people like me. Some of you already know why, but for anyone new, let me share. I’m not looking for marriage. I’m barely tolerable of dating. Relationships come with responsibilities that I cannot take on right now. That doesn't mean I don't want a companion or to have someone love me, I just cannot do the traditional love trail. I don't want to live with anyone. I want to keep and protect not only my space, but also my time. I’m a woman of a certain age and I don't have small children. I've had good relationships, I’ve had bad relationships. I’ve had proposals. I’ve been taken on vacations to other countries. I love it all. I’m just not at a place in my life where I have ambitions to be someone’s girlfriend or wife. I like attention when I get it, but I don't need it all the time. So I guess having a situationship fits me. To be clear, I’m not involved with anyone at this time. Situationships aren't concrete. There are kind of like an anomaly of love and emotions.

You want to know it you're in a situationship? Go back and watch the video again. If that person isn't doing the things that Shay's husband was doing for her while they were dating, it's likely you're in a situationship. Or if you've been involved with the person for a long period of time, but it seems like you're stuck in a cycle of confusion and there's no real clarity or forward mobility, then baby, you're probably in a situationship. In this case, the best thing I can tell you is, DON’T GET PREGNANT. If you think things are unclear and complicated now, it's not going to get any better with a baby.

And you know what else? My statement is going to be controversial, but situationships really workout better for mature and established adults who don't have to be codependent with someone to feel they've succeeded in life. I know some of you will have opinions against that. I welcome them. A situationship is an adult luxury. They're not for people who want committed partner, a family, and a home. And here’s the last bit of salt, if you're in a situationship with someone who’s married, they're commitment is to their spouse, not to you. Take a seat and know your place.

So if you want the family, the house, and the husband, listen to Shay. Otherwise, be safe out there.

The Vday Experience

February 12, 2025

“Will You Be My Valentine? ….But From Over There.”

I lost track of this month and didn't realize Valentine's Day is coming up. What are your thoughts about this day. Do you get into it? For me it’s becoming more of a commercial novelty. I think I read somewhere that Valentine's season is one of the biggest times for retailers and I can see that. Women put a lot of weight on that day and men feel obligated.

I’ve had great Valentine's Day moments with previous lovers. One went all out for me one year and organized a dinner date on a private yacht. It was really nice, I was presented with flowers and jewelry, the chef did a five course meal, and we spent the night sailing the water. But bear in mind this lover had the means to be extravagant without breaking the bank, you can probably narrow down which lover this was if you’ve been here with me. Although, this wasn't something I asked for or was expecting, he did it on his own. I told him I just wanted to spend the day with him. With another previous lover, we just stayed home, cooked dinner, and watched TV, and I enjoyed that too. I think what means the most to me is who I’m spending that time with and who wants to spend that time with me.

So I ask again, what do you feel about Valentine's Day? Is it important or is it only important to you because it’s important to someone else? And I’ll through this question in here too. To those of you in extramarital situations how are you managing that? In my opinion, if you are the side person, you should know your place and not really have expectations at all. If you want someone to celebrate you on Valentine's Day, be with someone who already doesn't have commitments. That may sound cold hearted, but am I wrong? Their home life comes first. You should know that, not matter what you feel or being told.

And if you are the married one with someone on the side, if that side person is expecting to spend time with you or expecting gifts from you, then you're probably mishandling that situation. Unless, you're going to do it just to make sure that person doesn't start to cause issues towards your marriage, but wouldn't that be counterproductive? I mean who has the upper hand here? I’m pretty sure you can find a side person who understands and accepts their role without giving you grief when you're not available. It becomes a problem when you get too involved and allow someone to feel comfortable enough to expect you to do certain things for them. You should never allow someone outside of your marriage to feel like they have more stake in you than your spouse. That's lesson one from the book of foolery ghost written by my married friends. Also, another lesson they’ve shared is don’t showcase your side situation like it’s the main and only situation. You’re main and only is your spouse, anyone else is an option of desire. That may be hard to hear, but again, am I wrong or are my friends wrong?

I’m not against Valentine's Day, I just have no reason to put any significant thoughts on it right now. I’ll probably just do my same things I do any other day, put on some clothes, feel great, and be me. For those of you who will be spending it with someone or wanting to spend it with someone, I hope you receive what you deserve. But before you get your hopes up, be realistic about the person you're involved with. Are they and can they give you what you want without you making a fuss over it?

Be safe everyone.

Embrace Growth

February 5, 2025

“Have Mercy On Those Who Want Better”

In the last topic one of you sent a message that got me thinking and encouraged this topic. So you knocked my other topic back a week.

One of you said that if someone isn't seeing your growth, then that person isn't growing because they are not willing to accept another version of you. Because then, if they accepting a new version of you then they are also accepting that maybe there are parts of themselves that haven't grown and still need to grow. This topic might be sensitive to some of you, be these topics are always here to make you comfortable. It's to encourage you to be introspective.

I have friends I grew up with, and some of them have not fully accepted the more stable, more responsible, and more conscientious me. They still want me to be this carefree type of person with no structure of tangible goals. Some of my friends are still doing the same things we did when we were in high school and our early 20s, like doing things that weren't really getting us anywhere even though in our minds we thought we were getting ahead but in really we were just going in circles and I'm not that person anymore.

And it's hard to spend time with those friends because the trajectory of my life wasn't their same trajectory. Speaking to them sometimes feels like speaking to someone who is a prisoner in their own mind. Prisoners are limited to resources and activities, so they only know what's available to them, and they are not utilizing what resources they do have to help themselves out of that mindset.

And it does bother me a bit because I can't have certain conversations with them because they are settled in their comfort zone and I won't want to take them out of that. I never make any of my friends feel bad about our lives now being different I just have accepted the fact that I can better understand them than they can understand me because I used to have their same mentality. But it is disheartening that some of them have not accepted my transformation since we were younger and still want me to be the old version me. It's hard navigating those friendships.

Let me give you another example, say if you were an addict or you knew someone with a problem and they got themselves help and learned how to overcome it a move past that version of them and they continue to be committed to a better life, but instead of embracing the new version of them, you are still holding on to their troubled version. Why are you still holding on to that version of someone? What good is it doing you?

We don't have to use addiction as the only example. It could be someone you had a falling out with, and they have now changed for the better. Are you still going to hold on to the issues, or have you yourself changed as well and embracing more positive opportunities in your relationship with people?

There are many scenarios of someone becoming a better version of themselves. And if you aren't accepting that better version of someone, maybe you still are holding on to that old version because you want to use their past issues as a reason for you not to make changes. Did I strike a cord with anyone? And maybe you're in a bad cycle of repeating your own flaws.

Let me tell you why I try to be so positive about everything... because baby I'm blessed. And because I am abundantly blessed, I'm not going to take my blessings in vain. I am going to smile. I am going to laugh. I am going to look at every glass as half full. And if anyone doesn't enjoy my light, then they are struggling to put aside their shade for me. Or they are wearing someone else's shade against me. And what good does that do you? Why are you going to allow that burden to be imposed on to you? What type of person does that make you? And is that the type of person you want to be or is that how you want to be remembered? Like I said early, this topic isn’t for you to be comfortable. It’s here to challenge your way of doing and being.

Be safe everyone.

Our Options

February 1, 2025

“Choice Matters Over Need”

If you ever feel like you’re out of options, take a moment to think things over. Life has so many possibilities; sometimes, a small change in how you see things can reveal new paths. You might feel stuck, wondering why certain choices leave you feeling empty, but beyond what’s familiar lies a world of opportunities just waiting for you.

Being single can actually be a great time for personal growth. It’s a chance to shape your own life and focus on what you love. This time isn’t just a break; it’s an opportunity to chase your passions, understand yourself better, and enjoy some quiet time without distractions. Your friends might tell you that you’ll find companionship eventually, but for now, embrace the freedom to explore your own interests and think about what you truly want. I’ve been single about 12-14 years now. Yes, I’ve had lovers in that time, but by definition I am still single even though I chose not to date more than one person at a time. Intimate relationship are important to me and I like for my lover to know that although my life have various options, I am only dedicated to one man at a time.

On the other hand, being in a relationship or married can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming, with shared responsibilities and various challenges. Still, it can also lead to deep connections and enjoyable moments as you navigate life together. Relationships like this is a shared adventure, and remember that finding happiness and being happy is a choice. You can have happiness even when things get chaotic. It’s sometimes in the simplest interactions you share with your partner like just spending quality time, discussing plans, or just wishing them a good day can make a difference in your mood and how your relationship progresses.

Whenever you feel unsure and think your options are limited, remember that it’s often just how you perceive things. The world is full of potential, just waiting for you to push past your comfort zone. Keep your heart open, as new ways to find fulfillment can be hidden by doubt, but they’re still there if you’re willing to take a leap into the unknown with courage and curiosity. It’s natural to be curious about people and the potential connections you can develop with someone, it’s also very valid if you change your mind about those connections. Listen, I was married for 10 years, my longest legitimate relationship ever, and yes it was not easy to make the choice to leave, but my heart and what I wanted changed. It took time to process my decision and there were moments where I asked myself if I did the right thing. Ultimately, I decided to stand by my choice and Yes, it was the best option for me and my family.

The concept of "choice over need" highlights an important aspect of personal growth and self-awareness. Often, we find ourselves caught in the cycle of fulfilling our immediate needs such as having social acceptance in certain circles or gratifying our sexual desires, without considering all the choices or options we have available to us. Personal growth begins when we recognize that we have the power to make conscious choices that align more closely with our values and who we are or who we are trying to be, rather than simply reacting to our immediate needs.

Self-awareness plays a critical role in this process. By understanding our motivations and the reasons behind our choices, we can break free from patterns of behavior that do not serve us, like choosing relationships that influence us to stray away from good character or alienate us from people who really care for our overall well-being. Reflect on that. This reflection often involves asking ourselves challenging questions about what we value most, people who accept us as we are or people who want us to change parts of our personality or lives for them? Are we making choices that foster our growth, or are we simply reacting to external pressures?

Ultimately, the choice over need empowers us to take control of our lives. It encourages a mindset shift from not evaluating all our options to taking a proactive approach to make choices that fosters long-term fulfillment and satisfaction. Embracing this philosophy can lead to deeper self-awareness and a more authentic way of living, where each decision aligns with our true self, rather than just responding to the demands of the moment. Take some time to think and assess your recent or current choices, are they serving you into being a better person, or are they putting strain on you because you felt you had to make a just decision due to pressure?

Be safe everyone.

Learn Some Class

January 24, 2025

“Sometimes we just know how to be. Other times, we need the lesson.”

A few of you ladies asked me this over the years and I was never really sure how to answer. You ladies would ask, “What makes a classy woman a classy woman?” or some variation of that question. I think I share little nuggets of how to be classy spread out in each topic in some way, but we can talk about it directly. And before we get into it, I do believe that class can’t necessarily be taught, although there are such things as finishing schools for girls to teach them how to be in proper society. Class is learned through lived experiences like the reactions you get when you do or say certain things or speak a certain way.

In my recent LinkedIn post, I spoke about “Code Switching” and how it can be not only necessary but also beneficial if you know how to do it well. What I did not mention was that Code Switching is relative to levels of class depending on your environment. Like I have some friends who sometimes get me hyped up and I do or say things that may not be seen as classy or acceptable to some people or certain circles. If I have a friend who has so much live energy when we hang out, my live energy will probably come out too, because I feel comfortable with that friend to do that. Does that make sense? So just because a woman is labeled as classy, doesn't always mean she has to fit that mold for everyone or means that she stays on that pedestal in every scenario or situation.

So ladies I made a short list for you and I guess this can be translated for men too.

Dress with Elegance & Self Respect
This is something I always talk about. Your appearance is the first thing people notice, so choose clothing that is tasteful. Dress in a way that shows you respect yourself and your body - outfits that are elegant, modest, and timeless. I like clean lines and simple colors. When it’s cold, I invest in long coats. Although, every now and then people may see me in sweatpants and a t-shirt, and even then I keep the aesthetic simple.
Master Your Manners and Etiquette
How you treat others reflects who you are and this is very much for men and women. Being polite, using "please" and "thank you," and showing respect goes a long way no matter what type of relationship you have with someone. Good manners and etiquette, from table manners to writing thank-you notes, show you care and value others. It's the small gestures that make a big impact.
As a matter of fact, when I traveled and stayed in hotels a lot, I would leave a thank you note to the hotel staff. I do not do that as much now, instead I leave a Google review to engage more customers for the hotel. Actually, I am a Google Reviewer. I reviewed many restaurants and businesses throughout the years, you may see some of my reviews if you look up any of the places I’ve been to.
Back to writing thank you notes, I think it’s a lost art and no one really taught me to do it, I just feel it’s a kind gesture. I sort of still “write” notes to my loved ones, but instead of handwritten notes, I create an image with a message on it to express my thoughts of them. And I think that’s just a beautiful act of expressing your gratitude for people. Honestly, I do not notice many people doing that. Even with my professors, at the end of each term, I’d sent them and email thanking them for anything the guided me on or helped me better understand certain lessons. I guess I am just a thankful person, and sometimes I can be overly thankful, but I rather be that than not at all.
Practice Kindness and Respect
Classy women are kind. It's that simple. They treat everyone with respect, whether it's a friend, a stranger, or someone they disagree with. They don’t catch attitudes or make ugly faces, they remain composed and confident. Kindness also means staying out of gossip, and being someone who is fair and compassionate.
This is actually something that came about recently and I did not see it as gossip, but someone was saying unfavorable things about another person I know. I did not entertain what that person was saying, instead I redirected the conversation by making a statement to let that person know, “Hey, I know this person you are talking about, and I do not agree with what you are saying.”
Of course I did not say it in those words, because again this is where Code Switching makes sense. I said it in a way that I knew that person would understand my position about the individual they were talking about. In a separate occurrence, there’s a clique of people who…I don’t want to say they gossip, but they do share a lot of information about other people and I’ve always made it clear to them that I don’t like hearing bad things about people. So I’ll ask questions or say things that redirect their opinions of people.
Stand by Your Values
Knowing what you believe in and sticking to it is a big part of being classy. It shows that you're strong, confident, and not easily swayed by what others think just to be liked or fit in. A classy woman knows when to say no and doesn't compromise her standards please others. If it’s within my values, yes, I’ll make changes or do things to make someone feel more comfortable.
Now, I fit into multiple circles and networks of people. I’ve always just had that knack of being someone who can mix in with any crowd. The main thing anyone who knows me can say about me with confidence is that I am very personable and charismatic, I don’t know if that is something that can be taught, I’ve just learned how to make others feel seen around me. Does that make sense? But not matter what group I am associating with, I am still strong on my values. But I also don’t push my values on others, that’s another element of class; accepting the fact that everyone is not exactly like you and not using it against them.
Stop Oversharing and Be Private
This is another one I am big on. Keep personal matters to yourself and avoid broadcasting your life, like on social media or in conversations. Share selective information to selective people and maintain a sense of mystery about yourself. Being private adds an air of sophistication and ensures that your life isn't open for unnecessary scrutiny or gossip. And sometimes gossip is inevitable, but you do your best to be mindful of your surroundings and how you conduct yourself or what you do in those surroundings, because there’s aways someone paying attention.
Invest in Personal Growth
Never stop improving yourself. Don’t I always advocate this? A classy woman is always learning, whether it's reading, taking a course, or trying something new. Personal growth keeps life exciting and helps you stay confident and capable. When you invest in yourself, you feel better, think clearer, and naturally become more graceful and elegant.
And sometimes personal growth is taking the time to just be by yourself so no one is interfering with your growth. Sometime you need to separate yourself from people who always need some type of update from you for their own reassurance. People who are dependent on you and who are not your family or close loved ones can drain you and influence you to think you have to make big adjustments in your life in order for them to feel secure. They are blocking your growth. And that might be difficult for you to accept, but the reality of it is not everyone who leans on you is leaning on you for the best reasons. Be aware of that.

Be safe everyone.

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Reader's Choice

January 15, 2025

One of you sent me this clip, watch this first.

Fellas, do you share the same sentiments? Is it true for many of you? If you are married and have someone else on the side, is that where the person stays? And if that relationship can only go so far, how do you keep everyone’s feelings from getting hurt? And do you communicate your intentions and make that clear to the person? Or do you let the person feel like they are in a legitimate and committed relationship with you? Ladies, if you accept being the side chick, is that a real relationship to you? I’m not talking about the people who are just having fun and are very realistic about what everyone is doing and not making something more than what it is, I am talking about people who vie into these relationships wanting a promising future from it. Take a moment to think about all of this. Next, watch the rest of the clip.

Watch the whole clip HERE.

Did you watch it? What did you think about it? Many of you ladies may be on the side of the woman and that’s very admirable of you, but let’s break this down.

She starts off by saying she has been with her children’s father since they were younger. Then she says he left her, and later in the clip we learn that they were married and separated for several months. My take on this is, Okay so what? What is the issue of him being out with someone else if they are separated. Yes, the man is still legally married, but even the wife admitted they have been separated, so what did she expect? And remember, she said he left her. In my opinion, the wife’s ego is a bit bruised and her feelings are very hurt. We don’t know the details of their relationship, but the husband must of had his reasons for wanting to leave the marriage. But again, we do not know what happened, maybe the husband was telling the wife they were going to work things out and then he shows up with a date at the same place the wife is at.

And if the couple is indeed separated, does that still make the girlfriend a side chick? Yeah, he’s still married, but according to his wife, their marriage is heading to divorce. So did she not want the husband to pursue other women? It’s hard to really have a firm opinion on this because we are only getting one side of the story and there’s a lot of information we do not have about the individuals. Maybe the girlfriend was the reason the husband left because he got his feelings deeply involved and the girlfriend didn’t want to be the side chick anymore. Maybe the girlfriend was doing or saying this to the wife during the separation to make the wife upset - ladies, you know some of us are spiteful like that. I’ve had my share of spiteful women doing and saying nasty things to me, but the situation never becomes what they wanted or expected. So at the end of it all, they did all that for what? For a man who did not end up being the man to sweep them off their feet, marry them, and give them a home? Ladies, we should do our best not to let our emotions make us become horrible women, because guess who the worst bitch is? KARMA.

But let get back to these people, if the husband ends up in a serious committed relationship with the girlfriend, would it be reasonable for the girlfriend to have trust issues about the man? Like I said we don’t have enough information, but just from this clip, I get the sense that the wife did not want their marriage to end and was maybe surprised the husband left, and is upset about it so she is saying things that’s coming from a hurt place. Sometimes when we are going through hurt, we do not always think positively about everything. I don’t think the wife should have gotten up and said anything. I think she should have just enjoyed the show with her girls and had a great night, but for her own reasons that we are not clear about, she was triggered. And although I am not on either side, how we feel and how someone makes us feel is valid. When I have strong feelings about something, it’s hard to just shut them down. Maybe there was some infidelity in their marriage, that’s painful. And to then have the marriage be over, that can pile on more pain. And given the fact they have been together since they were kids, there’s a lot of history there. Women do tend to hold on to things, even when it hurts, and that’s not to torture ourselves, it’s more about reflecting on everything we gone through with someone and having hope that they still want to stand with us to face more life has together.

I feel for the wife, but I also have a bit of understanding for the husband even though we never get to hear his position about the marriage. Sometimes it’s best for things to just be over, but it can be hard when the other person isn’t ready for things to end. And that can make things very complicated for everyone. I don’t know if there is a right answer here because our emotions come and go and can be triggered by anything. We may see a past boyfriend or girlfriend randomly somewhere and old feelings come back up. Or you may want to end your marriage and start something new with someone else, but then something happens and you and your spouse end up becoming closer and reconnecting. Relationships are difficult no matter what type of relationship it is.

I really don’t know what more to say about it. Sometimes we love who we love, sometimes it’s the right time, sometimes, it’s the wrong time, and sometimes we love the wrong person at the right time and it just becomes a mess later. But it’s up to us to make that distinction on what feels right for us and how far we are willing to go with someone or how much we want to show we care. Ideally, if you are fully still involve with your marriage, everyone else is an option and don’t make them believe they can graduate from their current position if that slot isn’t open or going to be open. But if your marriage is on the brink of divorce and you are living separate lives, then hey your dating life and who you want to move forward with is up to you.

I don’t know ladies and gentlemen, there are a lot of people in this world you can connect with, I guess don’t get your nose wide open for someone who cannot give you what you want or isn’t willing to understand your parameters. Look for those of you who have been here for a while, you know my take on relationships is a bit untraditional. So aye, do the best you can out there.

Be safe everyone.

2025

January 6, 2025

“Hello 2025”

It’s already been a few days into the new year, so how has it been going for you? I know there were a few tragic things that happened such as the NOLA attack. Such a sad way to enter the year. I hope that does not set a precedence of how the next 12 months will be, let’s all hope of the best and continue to be at our best.

My days have been good. I followed some of the superstitious routines like not cleaning anything on New Years day, but I did do a deep clean on New Years Eve. I did end up pushing myself to go out. I went around to a few places to say hi to loved ones and wish them blessings in the new year. I did not intend to stay out past midnight because I wanted to go into the new year in my own space, but I ended up at my friend’s bar and ran into a few familiar faces. I enjoyed myself. The atmosphere was filled with smiles, hugs, and love. So I guess I started the new year how it was intended for me. It’s 2025 and I am resetting and starting fresh with many things and people.

Plus, this is the last term of my doctorate program! I’m highly excited and anxious about that. It’s crunch time now. I cannot let up on the peddle. I really need to zone in and have tunnel vision. This is going to become one of the pivotal moments of my life. To some people it may just mean another unnecessary degree or just a reason for people to act like they are better than those who do not have a doctorate, but that’s not what it means to me. This degree is proof that I can achieve whatever I want to, without any handouts or anyone encouraging me or paving the way for me, I am doing it with my own tenacity and resources. It also sets the tone for my kids that they can do the same.

I’ve said this plenty of times before, people may see my and see my lifestyle and some luxury labels, but they don’t know how hard I worked for it. They don’t know how hard I worked to provide a comfortable and stable life for my family. I don’t expect people to all of a sudden come to realize my reality, I’m just used to it by now, but I would like for people not to assume I’m some type of pampered woman who’s being taken care of by someone. I think the only relationship where I asked and expected a lot was with my marriage. All the other lovers, I just wanted a type of camaraderie that allowed a personal barrier of communication and understanding. - Baby, I don’t want much, I just want you to see me as me and appreciate who I am and protect my name and my happiness.

I have great feelings for this year. I think back to 5 years ago, what was I doing? Well in 2020, Covid restrictions were slowly starting to lift - wasn't Covid such a wild time? Even though it was over 5 years ago, it’s unbelievable to remember everything we faced and everything we had to do during that time. We couldn't be in large groups, schools were shut down, businesses had to close and figure out ways to still make money, I renovated my home office to make my work days more efficient, also I had to make a space for my kids to have their class time. Yeah, the wake of Covid was definitely an experience for everyone.

Things really began to change for me when the restrictions started to lift. I negotiated a few work contracts that allowed me to get a high-rise apartment in a downtown location, not in a big city, but in a city that I have grown to appreciate. I also got re-involved with a previous lover around the 3rd-last part of the year. I was working on my second master’s degree and I was expanding my professional network. My family dynamic was shifting a little, I began traveling more for work and picking up more projects going into 2021 and my life has sort of been on that groove since then; work, business, travel, family, and school. Life has been good, not easy and a few struggles at times also a few unexpected moments, but I don’t have any major complaints.

I want my 2025 to be a memorable year. For my career, I want to work with more small businesses. I've enjoyed the challenges of working with major corporations and manufacturing companies, but I believe in small economy. With family, I want more time with them, not just being at home, but experiencing different parts of life together. My kids are getting older and one is already halfway through college, I still want them to have space with me and know that their mom wants great things for them. For my love life, well, I’ll leave that up to the universe, but one thing is for damn sure if I do get involved with someone, I’m not showcasing it to the world, we could be in the same room and you’d never know that he's sees me under the sheets occasionally. Right now, l’ll just keep loving on my friends and strengthening the bonds I have with them.

One thing I am going to do differently is be more open with people. I want to express when I'm happy or excited about something and I also want to share when something bothers me. I actually began doing that recently. I told someone to not bring people around if they have or will have an issue with me. And I told this person to consider my feelings about it and to protect my peace as best as they can. I did emphasize that there is only so much we can control, but we can make better decisions to avoid uncomfortable situations. I don’t want bad energy in my spaces of comfort and I don’t want to feel like I can't be who I am with people because of someone who may take offense and play the victim or feel like something isn't fair to them. I’m not going to readjust who I am to cater to someone who doesn't like me, especially a person who does spiteful things towards me. Those type of people have always been odd to me, like the people who do shady things to others or always find a way to talk about someone else in a bad manner but yet, takes offense when someone doesn't see them as a respected person.

Another friend said you me, “You shine when you enter a room. Don’t dim your light because someone doesn’t know how to brighten theirs.” - I like that. 2025 is going to be a different tone. I hope all of you have a great year. Not too much will change around here, I’m still going to talk about the topics you like and I’ll still share some of the feedback and I do my best to always give different points of views.

Again, I’m forever grateful you guys take time for me. With there being so many podcasts, radio shows, YouTube, TikToc, Instagram, and millions of Influencers, I Iove that you take time to hear my little messages and I hope some of my words resonate with you and maybe help you in some way.

Happy 2025. Be safe everyone.

Give Without Receiving

December 31, 2024

“Cheers To Love”

I am going to make this short, because HAPPY NEW YEAR and you all may have other plans. Usually I have my topics already completed days before I actually post them, but as I am typing this on NYE, I have not decided what I want to do tonight. My energy is a little off and I don’t know if I want to go out with my friends or just stay in and watch the fireworks from my window. But since you are here, I appreciate you taking the time to be here for a few moments. What did Jay-Z say? “You could've been anywhere in the world. But you're here with me. I appreciate that.” (Sidebar: I know Jay-Z started to face some of Puffy’s issues, I’m not saying I believe or do not believe anything, I’m just going to say this: Fellas and Ladies, do not ever think that anything you’ve done in your past won’t be brought up again. Don’t take advantage of people, don’t play with people’s emotions, don’t play with people’s time, and don’t play with people’s money, know the difference between age-appropriate and age-inappropriate relations and relationships and what goes on in those relationships, and lastly, be cognizant of how damaging your decisions can be to others and to yourself.)

There’s always these affirmations that tell us to leave people alone if they are not giving us what we are giving them, and then there are affirmations that encourage us to give people love no matter if we get it back or not. - I more lean on this thought. This doesn’t mean I do not know my value, I absolutely know how amazing I am, I just don’t believe that I should do things with the expectation of getting anything back in return. I think I have been practicing this a lot this past year.

I always believe that when you have a giving heart, you get rewarded in so many other ways. Don’t get wrong, there are a few times where I’d like for someone I show love to show me the same love in return, but that’s not something I harp on and I don’t know what someone else’s beliefs are and everyone shows love differently. For instance, I know I said this before, if I cook for you, I care about you. It’s just something about preparing a meal for people who are dear to me makes me feel good. Or if you are hosting a party, I’m likely to help you clean up or makes sure everyone is comfortable and has what they need. For someone else, they may show love by introducing me to people who can help me in my career, or someone may show love by just calling and checking in on me, or someone may invite me out to a special event because they want to share that time with me and want me to enjoy myself.

There’s a lot of people I care about and I make my best attempts to let each person know in one way or another that they are a part of my “care circle”.

I don’t belive in new years resolutions, because I feel it you want to make a change or do something different then why wait until January? Do it today, do it now. But if you are a new years resolution type of person and you want to feel good about something or feel good about yourself, then my best suggestion is show people you care about them, show up for them, show them patience, support them, praise them, forgive them, reach out them, sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest difference to a person.

Happy New Year Everyone, and be safe.

Code of Honor

December 26, 2024

“There’s people who think they live by a code, then there’s people who actually do.”

Do you know what it means to live by a code or when people say they live by certain codes of honor? "Living by a code" means to actively follow a set of personal principles or values that guide your actions and decisions in life, essentially acting in accordance with a self-imposed moral compass, even when faced with difficult choices; it signifies a commitment to behaving in a consistent manner based on your own established standards of conduct. Let’s break this down into terms we can all relate to.

To live by a code is to live by a certain discipline. Those disciplines are mapped out by your morals, values, pride, integrity, dignity, or all of the above. For instance, as many of you have already picked up on this, I have a code of privacy. There’s just certain things I do not do or say around people because let’s keep in mind that it’s hard to sway public opinion once they have something set in their minds. Once the public sees something about you, they generate an opinion. So there are just certain things I am not going to allow people to see if I can help it. Say if I go to a strip club and ball out. Don’t take any photos of me and if you do, don’t share it online. There’s nothing wrong with going to the strip club, that’s just my personal time and my personal time doesn’t need to be seen by everyone. And another example is unless I am in a solid relationship with someone, I am not going to keep being seen with the same person over and over again. Like you cannot keep being out with the same person being hugged up on one another and not have people think you two are fooling around. This is part of living by a code. There’s a lot of people who do not understand this. If you don’t have discipline then you are going to be sloppy and reckless with what you show people whether you intend to or not.

I’m going to switch to my professional mode really quickly. You know how companies have Codes of Coduct in their policies? A "code of conduct" is a set of rules, standards, and principles established by an organization to guide the behavior and conduct of its members, outlining expectations for how they should act within the company or group, usually outlines ethics, professionalism, and appropriate behavior in various situations; essentially, it defines the expected norms for employees or participants within a specific context. Same with a Code of Ethics. A "code of ethics" is a set of guiding principles that outlines expected behavior for individuals within a profession or organization, designed to ensure they act in a morally responsible way that aligns with the organization's values and benefits all stakeholders. Whether you are at work, at home, or out socially, there’s always some type of code. And it’s all about how you carry yourself and conduct yourself in different situations. Don’t just talk about what something is or what something isn’t. Or don’t tell people it’s not what it looks like or it’s not what you think when the reality of it is that people go off on what they see. So if what you are showing them isn’t really what it looks like, then live by the code that you are trying to portray and stand on.

I have codes I live by. A code to live by is a set of principles that guide how you behave and make decisions. It can be a few words that summarize your values, how you treat others, and your philosophy about life.

Here are some examples of codes to live by:

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated
Honesty: Always be truthful, even when it's difficult
Respect: Treat others with respect and dignity
Responsibility: Take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that come with them
Be tough, but fair: Be fair while also being tough
Keep your promises: Keep the promises you make
Be grateful: Be grateful for what you have
Have the courage to show up: It's better to show up than not even try
Sacrifice: Sacrifice what you want for what needs to be done

Creating a personal code of ethics can help you live with integrity and consistency. It can also help you manage relationships, careers, and personal challenges. Remember we talked about standards. Living by a code is not much different than living with standards. One of you guys sent me a message a while back and said,

“A man who doesn’t have standards, is a man who lacks integrity and dignity, and is the same type of man who will be careless with how he treats women.”

Fellas, you can chime in on what he said and share your thoughts on it.

What are we if we don’t have codes we live by? Who are we if we don’t have standards? When your loved ones are in need or in pain or struggling with something, I have a code that I am going to show up for people I care about. Even if it’s just telling them they are on my mind or wishing them good blessings or sending them a care package, I am going to make sure my loved ones know I am here for them. And if I am in a relationship with someone, I have a code that I am not going to start treating my friends like they don’t matter to me because a relationship should not be an obstacle to your other relationships with people. Don’t start treating people differently because you start seeing someone new. You want to know the craziest thing? My married friends tell me this all the time. They say that if they are fooling with someone, then that person isn’t going to make them act different to their friends. And they don’t just speak it, they prove it by living by their word. One of my guys friends, I know I’ve mentioned him several times here, he’s married, loves his family and has no plans to change his home life. But I’ve met some of his girlfriends and he has not once changed the way he treats me or talks to me when his girlfriends are around. He and the other friends in the same group kind of have this standard that, “Hey Raya has been here, she’s our girl, and we’re going to look out for her each time.” I have no doubt in my mind that they are like this with other people too, because they live by a code of loyalty, honor, and respect and I’m blessed to be part of their code.

There’s just a certain way I live. There’s a discipline I have, and there’s an integrity I want to keep intact. So I have to live by a code. I couldn’t have gotten this far without it.

Be safe everyone.

Phone Down

December 17, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING: This topic will revolve around depression and mental health.

I know we all go through stages of being happy and then being sad, whether or not we identify the causes or parameters of our moods and emotions. My PhD friend and I speak about this often, especially around this time of year. People seem to mentally struggle a little more around the holidays for various reasons. She posted an article on her LinkedIn about how to identify and combat mental health concerns during the holidays. She actually shares a lot of great insightful articles about health and wellness. I very much believe that mental health is still a taboo topic among so many people. Although, I also believe mental health awareness is becoming more accepted in conversations.

There a few factors professionals or doctors look for with mental health:

Biology: Genetics and family history may be a cause of mental health. It’s also possible that exposure to alcohol or drugs has an effect.
Psychology: Stressful events, like a traumatic experience, in a person’s life can alter their psychology and lead to mental health changes.
Social: Social factors like a person’s home environment, community, relationships, employment status and more can affect a person’s mental health.

Signs/symptoms can include mood changes, problems thinking, apathy, appetite issues, etc. The statistics of different age groups is also interesting and I do think that having more and more access to the outside world influences these numbers, what we see, hear, and experience can all be triggers.

Ages 18 to 25: 33.7% have symptoms
Ages 26 to 49: 28.1% have symptoms
Ages 50 and older: 15% have symptoms

I do not ever recall being "stressed" in my preteen and teenage years, but when I speak to my kids, stress is a common word in their dialogue and I can understand considering the world they are growing up in as opposed to the world we grew up in. They literally have an electronic box in front of them all the time that connects them to different details of the world, life, and what their peers are doing. Growing up, I remember getting excited when pagers were able to transmit letters instead of only numbers that we had to decode. And my biggest stress as a kid was pushing STOP on the cassette player before the radio dj started talking so my "mixtape" could sound smooth from one song to the next. Our world was a little more secluded decades ago. My friends and I were more worried about getting to the skate park to see our silly crushes. These days, people seem to be worried about various things like body shapes, being the baddest bitch or the main bitch, being Instagram or TikTok famous, or connecting their self worth to other people. I cannot imagine how people 30 and under are navigating a media forward world and the age gap between me and my oldest is 20 years. I talk to my kids all the time about what they are facing amongst their peers and if they feel pressured to think how other people think just to fit in, be liked, or be accepted. Luckily, my kids mirror my same self-confidence and do not follow the herd.

We've experienced firsthand how so much changes just within a few years let alone 10 and 20 years. And this is one of the things my PhD friend highlights in her research is that our brains have been conditioned and influenced differently. For instance, my influences not only come from being born in a certain generation, limited internet access or social media, or living in different countries, it also comes from being the eldest child, being an immigrant child, being the first daughter, being a young mother, being a wife, being a divorcee, and achieving high academia levels, all of these transitions in my life affects who I am and who I’ve become. And sometimes these things do influence my stress levels and mental wellness.

My friend also says that people who live in small towns and who have not traveled much outside of those small towns or relocated to other small towns, or do not expose themselves outside of their comfort zones keep the same mindset no matter what age they reach. She assesses that small-town-minded people stunt their understanding of people who are not like them or think like them and can be very defensive when you challenge their way of thinking. *I thought this was a very insightful assessment and I’m probably going to talk with her about it some more.

Back to mental wellness, I think when people are honest about what they are dealing with, they can better understand it and position themselves better to combat various forms of depression or other mental health concerns. I am going to get a little personal with you guys and I know I’ve shared this in passing in other topics. But I struggle with seasonal depression which has now been identified as SAD. SAD is an acronym that stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder and is a type of depression that's triggered by seasonal changes, usually in the fall and winter.

Symptoms of SAD can be:

Feeling sad, or anxious
Feeling hopeless, or helpless
Loss of interest in activities
Fatigue and decreased energy
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Oversleeping
Thoughts of death or suicide (*I do not have these thoughts)

SAD is more common in people who live farther north, where there are shorter daylight hours in the winter. Women are more likely than men to develop SAD, and younger people have a higher risk than older ones. I find this to be true considering most of my adolescence and early adult years were spent in the northeast and I started noticing the symptoms in my late teens and early 20s, but at that time I did not know what it was. I just thought I was tired of my schedules and routines, I just thought I was getting bored with everything and needed a change. Even now when I get like this, I think to myself that I need to make a big change or do something new with my life. Little did I know when I was younger, this is something very real. And I think it’s like this for many people and just like how I was, they just don’t know what it is or maybe even want to accept it.

I can feel it when my depression comes on. It’s like I can feel a weight on me that slowly gets heavier and changes my mood. Sometimes when it gets too much I just shut down, sit in my room, no tv, no phone, no noise, I just lay in my bed and do nothing. Although, most times I try to get ahead of it and I force myself to get up and get out. Like the past few days I’ve been feeling it and I’ve not wanted to do much after work, but I still pushed myself to go out and be social.

I refuse to go on any medications, but don’t let that stop you from taking any prescription that can help you. I’m not someone who largely relies on pharmaceuticals. But, when it does get really bad, I take the following combination of vitamins and supplements: *Speak to your doctor about these supplements. I told my doctor I did not want to be drugged up and feeling like a zombie, I still wanted to be me.

Magnesium: helps with anxiety by improving sleep, calming the nervous system, and reducing muscle tension
Vitamin D: helps with mood and fatigue
St. John’s Wort: has mood-balancing properties and can help with mental and emotional function
Zinc: plays a role in immunity, protein and DNA production, and wound healing
Omega 3 Fatty Acids (fish oil): improve brain function and mood

But to throw in another perspective, sometimes we do need to shut down and shut out and rethink our decisions because like I mentioned above, social factors like your home environment, community, friendships/relationships, employment status and other factors can impact your mental health. What felt like a good decision in the beginning, may not have the same feeling now, you have to be honest with yourself about it. And it’s not back peddling if you are changing your mind to improve your environment. But this can also be tricky because you still don’t want to avoid how changing your mind may affect others, don’t just avoid people to avoid friction. Take accountability for the change and you don’t have to over explain yourself, but at the very least let people know why you’ve changed your mind about them or about something that no longer serves your overall happiness and well-being.

Be safe everyone.

Handsome Man, Ugly Smile

December 12, 2024

“Putting Effort Into Your Appearance Is A Form Of Self-Care And Good Manners.”

What do you notice first when you look at someone? For me it’s their personal style, what they decided to put on when they left their house. If that’s appealing to me, then it’s teeth and someone’s smile. I have pretty good insurance that covers my teeth check-ups, cleaning, and anything that needs to be addressed with my oral health. And some people do not realize that your oral health affects other parts of your body including the heart, lungs, eyes, and kidneys.

Cardiovascular disease: Oral bacteria can cause inflammation and infections that lead to clogged arteries, heart attacks, and stroke.
Pneumonia: Germs from the mouth can enter the lungs and cause pneumonia and other respiratory diseases.
Pregnancy and birth complications: Gum disease can increase the risk of premature birth, low birth weight, and respiratory problems in the baby.
Kidney disease: Gum disease and oral inflammation can decrease kidney function.
Glaucoma: Higher levels of bacteria in the mouth, gum disease, and losing teeth can increase the risk of glaucoma.
Diabetes: Gum disease can make it harder to manage blood sugar, and diabetes can increase the risk of gum disease.
Alzheimer's: Poor oral health has been linked to Alzheimer's disease.

Good teeth and healthy gums are important to me among other things that affect my health and well-being. One of the most disappointing things is when I see a handsome man who has great command presence, who dresses nice, and smells good, but when he smiles, it’s very lack luster. Like I don’t want that month anywhere near me. Let’s skip the personality and character for a second and just talk about optics. What turns you off with someone’s appearance? One of you ladies said a man’s grooming can be a turn off if he doesn’t keep his hair or beard maintained. I can see how that would be an issue. Another reader said dirty shoes is a turn off for her, and I’ll admit, I look at men’s shoes too. Another turn off for me is when a grown man is dressed like a high school student. If the clothes are too oversized or the clothes are too tight, I cannot see past that. Dress what compliments your body type fellas. Don’t wear jeans off your ass and definitely don’t wear skinny jeans that look like you got them from the women’s section. Let me give you some pictures for reference. Take a look at these images, this is what I like to see on grown men.

One time, I styled one of my guy friends and put him in clothes like this, and when he told me he got so much attention when he went out in one of the outfits I picked out for him, I told him, “Baby, I know what women like and we don’t like boys in graphic t-shirts. We like men in collar shirts.”

And I know men like to see women in certain styles too. Men may look at the girl with barely there clothes on, but a grown man admires a woman who can be covered, but still exudes sex appeal. It’s a little cold outside these days and my cold weather look consists of a long coat and an outfit that represents chic and class. I may still show some leg or cleavage, but I’m strategic to leave something to the imagination. I’ve always been complimented for my personal style. A guy was telling one time he didn’t want to take a girl out after he saw the type of outfit she picked out. He said she had a nice body, but her outfit was too revealing for the place he wanted to take her to. He said the outfit looked really trashy and would attract the wrong type of attention. I like when a man can identify things like that. What I would wear to a business event isn’t the same as what I would wear to a friend’s party. There’s professional attire, there’s club attire, and there’s casual attire. My casual may not look like your casual because our personal styles will be different. You just have to know what not to wear and what you can wear in each setting.

And I wouldn’t say I’m too picky with how men dress, I just know what catches my eye. Luckily, 90% of my circle of guy friends know how to dress appropriately for their age. They are well to do men and they know how to dress the part, and I love it. They’re not coming outside looking like they just rolled out of bed and threw whatever on. Even if you do not put too much thought into what you wear when you are shopping, know what to pick out, that’s the key to making it easier to decide how to dress for the day or for an event. Get some nice pieces that can be dressed up or dressed down, like a good blazer. A blazer can elevate a professional look or a casual look.

But let’s not only get wrapped up in clothing, hygiene is just as important to being appealing. Just like the aforementioned, don’t skip your dental visits. Don’t skip your other health check-ups too. Your physical health, stay on top of that. Your mental health, definitely stay on top of that because if your mind isn't right, nothing else will be either (in fact, this is part of the topic that I’ve been wanting to share with you for the past week!).

Folks, we are grown, let’s get our shit together and not be out here avoiding what adds to our appeal and what takes away from our appeal. This has nothing to do with getting attention, people can admire you from afar and not say a word to you because they just noticed how you present yourself. It doesn’t faze me if people approach me or not, but I like to be proud of how I put myself together and I do like when people notice whether or not they let me know it. I just am not someone who doesn’t care about my image and that might sound superficial, but it also means that I’m going to take care of myself internally and externally. And I’m not going to come out of the house looking like anything. Even if I’m wearing sweatpants, I’m going to pair it with other things that make my outfit stylish. It’s the same if I’m wearing workout clothes, I’ll throw on a long jacket and maybe throw on a scarf to add to the aesthetic. We should all be conscious of optics and make an effort to create good optics for the public. The moment I stop caring about how I look or how I present myself, you should be worried because there might be something serious going on in my life that’s keeping me from being my normal self. 99% of the time, I’m going to make sure I’m presentable. You should want to do that for yourself too.

Be safe everyone.

The Wife Knows Me

December 3, 2024

“Know Your Reality.”

Reader Comment: “No wife is ever okay with sharing her husband no matter what she puts up with.”

Reader Comment: “A classy woman is never a side bitch because she knows how to keep shit on the dl.”

Reader Comment: “Married men be fooling with girls who be watching Housewives of ATL and think that's how you need to be.”

Reader Comment: “These days all these girls want is another woman’s man.”

Reader Comment: “If you're with a married man, so is everyone else, you just gotta know your place in line.”

Reader Comment: “Men forget to be a gentlemen and women forget to be a lady. Ladies and gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

Reader Comment: “Married men are the biggest whores.”

Reader Comment: “If a chick fooling with a married man and she bragging about it, she don’t care that she a hoe.”

I guess some of you saw this upcoming topic on the main page and started sending me your thoughts about. Let me point this out first and I've made mentions about this in previous topics. There’s so many different types of relationships you can have, you just have to be realistic about the type of relationship you currently have with someone.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is married, you have to be very honest about what you can and cannot do with this person. And if this person truly has an open marriage, then their spouse will know of you or at the very least won’t have an issue knowing their partner has other partners. But it has to be a mutual understanding between the married couple. The only mutual understanding you have have as an outside party is that you will not be the priority in the relationship.

Now, I've not experienced all kinds of relationships, although I’ve experienced plenty in my time to say this much. Ladies, if you are *knowingly involved with a married man, and he is a family man and/or has kids too, you don’t get first dibs on him. No matter if he’s in an open marriage or if his wife knows of you. And regardless of the gravity of your relationship with him, you probably won’t hold a high priority in other parts of his life. If he has female friends who he hangs out with or talks to every now and then, you can be upset about that, but you're emotions are misplaced because you are consciously choosing to be involved with a married man whose sharing his availability between his home life and his outside life and parts of his outside life are going to take precedence over you.

So whatever time you can get with him, I suggest you just make the best of it. And it’s tricky because your feelings will run deep, but you have to be realistic about who that man is and what he is willing and not willing to do with you. And I apologize for just using men as the married one because with applies for men who are dating married women too. You’ve got to have a full and realistic view of your situation.

You may find yourself thinking he/she will eventually get a divorce which may or may not happen. And if that person does get a divorce there's no guarantee that you will be their next spouse. And considering they were in a relationship with you while they were married, you will have that in the back of your mind if you end up in a more secluded relationship with them.

My whole point to saying all this is, if you are going to be involved with someone who is married, don’t give yourself high hopes that you’ll be their next partner or that you're a priority to them, because then you are just going to make a fool of yourself. You have no leverage to ask a married person if they are spending time with someone else. Fam, their married, whether they are spending time with their spouse or someone else, what's the difference? Just like you don’t have any leverge to ask someone else if they are spending time with the married person you're involved with. No one owes you any comfort or an explanation in this type of situation. YOU owe yourself that comfort, if you don’t like them spending time with other people, then you need to be with someone who’s not married. This is just something constructive criticism for you. You can take offense to it or use it to decide what you're going to do with youself. A married person comes with criteria that you either accept or don’t accept. And you are not going to be privy to everything or have 100% access to them because realistically, their spouse doesn't even have 100% access to them if they are entertaining other people.

Enjoy the time you have with them and don’t get beside yourself when that person is spending time at home or with other people in their life. Don’t sink into yourself for the sake of someone who can’t give you all of themselves. And I’m not trying to say married people who date other people are horrible human beings, because you never know what is going on in someone's marriage or what type of understanding they have for their marriage. 50% of my friends are married and regardless of what they choose to do, I will still support them as long as they are not out here making themselves look like clowns, I’m keeping my mouth shut about anything I see or hear in regards to them.

I hope this topic didn't trigger any bad feelings. If you're married and dating or if you are the one dating a married person, there's got to be an element or realism. You're feelings can still be strong, but don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment and making yourself believe something that isn’t practical. A married person is a married person until they are not. And as long as they are married, you are not the priority.

Be safe everyone.

Healing Vs. Hoe-Ing

November 26, 2024

“Nah, baby, you’re better than that.”

I do not jump from man to man. I give time and space between my love affairs. I don't do the whole “I’m hurt so I need to make hoe-ish decisions” or “He did me wrong, so I’m going to do something to do him wrong.” - No, that was never my M.O. I took strategic steps after each lover. For those of you who are new, I never use the term “boyfriend” and I don’t like saying “My man”. If I am romantically involved with a man, he is my lover and I’ve only ever had one husband. And the last time I called anyone a boyfriend was in high school. If you prefer to use those terms in your life, by all means, speak how you are most comfortable. This is the dialogue I am comfortable with using. Like I said, I don’t jump from man to man and I give time between each man, six months at the minimum, and that time can last anywhere from just six months to… I’ve gone several years between partners before. It all depends on what my focus is or what is all going on in my life at the time.

Right now, ya girl is finishing up the last leg of this doctorate program and the research aspect of it is kicking my ass! When I step away from my computer and maybe step out to a drink, I am taking that time to decompress my brain. The other day, I took a study break and my mind was in such a daze, I couldn't even focus on what anyone was saying to me, I kept zoning out and thinking about my paper.

But one thing NONE of my previous lovers can say about me is that I was a dumb broad who wasn’t about much. Even with my first pregnancy, I was still ambitious. Probably even more so because I didn’t want to be a bum parent. But anyway, yeah, no man can ever say I lacked intelligence. And I cannot speak for any of my previous lovers, but I would like to believe that at some point in time they realized I deserved more than what they were willing to give me and that I didn't succumb to the woman they wanted me to be but instead stayed on the path of how I'm intended myself to be. No matter how they treated me while we were involved, I want to believe that whatever they think of me now, at the very least they know I'm a good woman and an overall good person who wanted a love that wasn't easily defined and wanted someone to accept me as I was, as I am, and who I will be.

And this topic isn't shaming anyone who gets into relationships easily, most men do it all the time. They fall for a female that makes them feel good and they get hooked. Sidebar, I heard something the other day that stuck with me. A woman said that men lie because they aren't the man they believe themselves to be so they lie, hide the truth, or bend the truth to make themselves seem more than what they actually are. Ladies, gentlemen, what are your thoughts on that? Let it sit and get back to me.

This healing vs. hoe-ing thing is important to distinguish. I don’t find it healthy to heal through someone else. Like if something is fractured in my life, I am not going to lean on someone else to help me get over it, get through it, or forget about it. For instance if I just got out of a relationship, I’m not going to lean on a new man to help me move on. It’s the same if I’m dealing with something heavy in my life, I’m going to give myself time to navigate through it the best way I can.

This doesn't mean you can accept any type of support, we all need some form of it to feel loved and to know we’re not alone, but for me, I won’t depend on support. And some people may say that's a flaw, okay if it is, I accept that, and to be honest with you, even my father doesn't understand why I want to go through things by myself. He’s even said that I shut people out. So hey, Dear Future Lover, this may be a red flag for you. But at least I’m not out here being free-spirited about who has access to me.

But if you are the kind of person who needs that physical comfort or needs someone with you to fulfill whatever is missing or lacking in your life, then do what is best for your health and happiness because some people do need that type of gratification to get through things, I’m just not one of them. Everywhere I lived in my adult years, there may be just one man that people can link back to me romantically. I just don’t move around like that.

I think in a topic a few months ago I mentioned something about a hoe phase, never had one, never wanted to have one, be remember I recently told you guys that I believe loose women don’t get good blessings. And this is not to be religious, it’s a spiritual element too. I’m special, and you should think of yourself that way too. And how special can you continue to be if you give yourself to just anyone. And men really get me with this especially when they get wrapped up in women who aren't even on their playing field all because maybe that woman kept doing things to get his attention or kept feeding his ego or kept making him feel “young”. Fellas….babies, I know you like the attention, I know you like when pretty girls hype you up, I get it, but can you at least deal with a woman with something more than a trail of dope boys, and looking at the floor pictures?

C’mon fellas, especially my mature and dapper gentleman, you know you can do and deserve better than a girl with a loose free-spirited mindset, with questionable direction, and who’s mainly attracted to your appeal for their own self worth. Think about that, you fellas don't see what we see and think we have a problem when we try to tell you about it. Especially my good men out here, you're the standard, don’t link up with someone who lessens your value. I mean if you're going to hoe out, ladies this is for you too, then at least hoe out with people in your spectrum.

Be safe everyone.

Be The Standard

November 16, 2024

“Just because I came from nothing, doesn’t mean I want to go back to it.”

Reader Comment: “The only reason a man should be going below me is to kiss the kitty.”

Reader Comment: “You can’t be a S Class Benz and be worried about a Kia Rio”

“A Fool Isn’t A Fool For Making A Mistake. A Fool Is A Fool For Refusing To Learn.” - Jalen Hurts

We are back with this topic that was influenced by a reader who sent me a message from the last post. I told you I was in a group discussion with mature people talking about various relationship and men and women ideas. We talked about how some people have standards and I mentioned how some people do not understand the concept of standards so they say they don’t have any. And we talked about how a $12 an hour person can still be a great person, but it was also suggested that it’s good to know if that $12 an hour person wants to stay where they’re at or if they want to build on something bigger and that’s how we can distinguish someone’s mindset, are you forever going to be a worker bee? Or do you want to manage and run the beehive one day?

I also mentioned in the last post that I don't like when people look at me and think money simply because I carry myself and certain way or speak with a different vernacular. If you see me and only think money then that was a poor misconception you have. Instead see me and think, that's a woman who takes care of herself or that's a woman who is on her grind and hustles hard. If you don't have that type of critical thinking skills, then yes, you don't have a standard because you're understanding of it is one dimensional. If you can praise someone else for doing good, why are you keeping me out of your praise? Do you not think I deserve to be applauded for my accomplishments? I really don’t understand people who clap at everyone else for living good but will minimize someone else's efforts for living good. It's no different when a man who praises a woman for picking up extra hours at her job, but won't praise another woman who's managing 3 businesses. That’s a man who is focused on the wrong substance. Mature ladies, stay mindful of men like that. They are not in your wheelhouse and they can’t even comprehend what it is you're saying.

I forget what we were talking about and I know this person didn’t mean this as a dig at me, because he was going off of an assumption which I get all the time, but one of the guys in the group conversation that I talked about in the last topic made a comment and said, “Raya doesn’t deal with $12 a hour men.” I mentioned this to one of my guy friends a few days later and he said, “Well you didn’t give 6-figure men a shot either.” And that caught me off guard a little bit because I did not expect him to say that and then he doubled down and said, “You treat all men the same, no matter how much money they make, if they are nice to you, you're nice back, if they are rude, you're rude back, and if they are doing too much, you get annoyed.” And you know what, he is completely correct. But then he followed up with this. He said that men can’t just talk to me any type of way and I asked my friend to explain what he meant by that. He says, "Well a guy can’t just come up to you and say, hey I think you’re really pretty, let me take you to dinner.” Then my friend said, “A guy has to peak your interest by peaking your mind in a way that’s different from other men.” Prior to him saying all this, I was telling my friend that I get all types of men that approach me, but I do notice that more suited men approach me, like men who are older, who are well established, and have more experience in life. But again, I don’t give anyone a chance, not the $12 a hour man nor the million dollar man. And as my friend was saying all this to me, I just kept thinking - Damn, my friends do pay attention to me!

There was a case not too long ago where a man offered to get me VIP seats to a sports game, I would have been sitting in a box with some big names. I’m not dating this man, I’m not interested in this man, nor am I even good friends with this man, so I declined. No. 1, I know he’s interested in me. No. 2, I don’t want to be the type of woman who just rides the wave to see how far I can go. And No. 3, I don’t want to play games with people or feel like I owe this man something. If we were good friends, that’s one thing because friends do for each other all the time, like what you do for me over here, I got you over there. There’s continuity with friendships.

Speaking of friendships. There is one that I recently reassessed. I have a friend who I met when I first relocated, I actually met him through a social group that had planned events for people around town. I only ever hang out with this friend maybe once a year and usually we grab lunch or drinks just to catch up. The last time we caught up he was saying things that really began to annoy me. He was saying how he had a crush on my when we first met, I wasn't bothered by that comment because even a different guy friend one time said to me, “Raya, I’ll never get at you because of my boy, but I’m still a man and I got eyes.” So I know men look at me like that, but when this guy started to say I had a thing for him too, that's when I started to give him the side eye. He’s not a bad looking guy, but I was never interested in him and when I joined the social group I only joined to meet new people because I was new in town. I didn’t join to find dates. But he kept saying things like that and was too confident about it, like dude you're cool but I’m not looking at you like that and never did. Like there’s things about him that don't compliment my demeanor and don't really align with my personality which isn't a bad thing, it’s just not my interest. I don’t know what grown man who talks about being on TikTok or talks about wanting to be a social media content creator. Like if you're on there for entertainment or promoting a business, cool, but if you're trying to make it part of your livelihood, hmmm, that's not for me. I don’t need to showcase what I’m doing or how I’m living. I don’t have TikTok and my personal Instagram page is private and I don’t share much on there anyway. But that's not what really made me reassess my friendship with this man...

About 4-5 years ago, something occured and I wasn't accessible for a few days. One of my friends got worried and reached out to our mutual friends to try to reached me and when they couldn't get a hold of me they reached out to people they thought may know what was going on. And this guy was one of the people they reached out to and of course they didn't know that I’m not that close to this guy, but they were just worried. Anyway ever since that happened, the guy brings it up every time we hang out. This last time I told him to stop bringing it up because I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about it from my side. Also, he doesn't know the full back story so he really speaking on something he knows nothing about. I was irritated at this point. Like you don't know the people that reached out to you, you don’t know what they were thinking, you don’t know what their intention was, so stop bringing it up. Even after I said that, he kept trying to sneak it in and eventually he tried to back peddle and started giving me compliments, it was already to late, I was already beyond annoyed. His friendship has not made much of an impact on my life that I need to keep it going how it’s been going. We were never close. My other friend was right, you can’t just say anything to me especially if you’ve not really imprinted on me. I won’t be rude to this guy, but we’re not hanging out anymore unless other people I know will be hanging out with us.

Plus, many of you already know, I’m not a loose woman. I may be outside every now and then, and I may be nice but there’s limits to it and if you see that I’m getting bothered by something, then you need to stop. I may show some thigh, I may wear a low cut shirt, or I may show a little stomach. Just because I show it, doesn’t mean it’s for you and definitely doesn’t mean I’m giving it to anyone. I’m just comfortable with my body and know how to style my clothes to compliment my shape.

Back to the conversation with my friend, I was talking to my him about that topic of standards, and he said something else that really caught my mind. Real quick, my friend is in his fifties, he’s had a fulfilled life so far, understand that how you want to. He said, “We’ve grown past the point of accepting or dealing with just anything so we do have standards, otherwise anyone and everyone can have at us.” That makes so much sense because do you have that type of time on your hands? Baby, I sure don't.

I made a joke in the last post saying how my previous lovers went below standard after me, they just get in anyone’s bed - I’m not going to start any trouble, but maybe those mfers need to know, I’m still everything they loved and even better now - you see this yellow dress I got on? They all know I can I can shut it down, because one thing I will always wear well is CONFIDENCE even if I’m wearing sweatpants. And I don’t have to be loud about it, I’m very demure and quiet when I’m in a group of people, because what’s known doesn’t have to be spoken and other people usually speak it for me anyway. But with silliness aside, when I was with them and when I loved them, they met a certain standard for me at that particular juncture in my life because each of them were different so the standard wasn’t the same for all of them. What I wanted or needed from one lover at a particular time in my life was not the same as what I wanted and needed from another lover at a different time in my life. What I needed from my marriage wasn’t the same as what I needed from my lover who live in another state. Even now, what I wanted and needed 5 years ago isn’t the same today. I did say that I’m open to more things now, but I still want to be loved and protected and appreciated, although how I receive that love, protection, and appreciation doesn’t have the same ask as it did 5-10 years ago. And for me to get that, I have to set a standard for it.

I think some people think of standards as the bar being at a certain level and you have to reach that level. No it’s not that simple, it's deeper than that. The standard is what you are able to accept into your life and to what degree do you accept it. For example, I can accept a $12 an hour man, but I cannot accept if that’s where he wants to stay, because baby I want you to grow. I want you to create and build something that you can pass on to other people and help them grow. I don’t want you just to be an employee, I want you to guide employees and help them better develop their skills and their value. But if you don’t want any of that, it’s okay, we aren't a good match. Because I’ve done well, I want to help others do well too. I don’t want to gate keep success, hear that again, Don’t gate keep success. We can all eat. I want to help you create your blueprint - if that’s what you want. If not, that’s fine, everyone’s ambitions are not the same.

In this matter, I am the standard of growth and you can grow at your own pace, but I still want you to grow and do things that contribute to your growth. Don’t look at me and think, I’m all about people with money, no I’m all about people who are hungry, but let’s not get it twisted, just because you’re hungry, doesn’t mean I’m going to be interested in you romantically, because remember, I don’t even give million dollar men a chance. And my friend said it - A man has to peak my mind in a way another man hasn’t. So I am not out here being sloppy with anyone, because…Baby, I am the standard. And to my previous lovers…uhmmm, again you see that yellow dress, none of your biches know how to pull that off. I’m still the greatest baby...jk. Let me stop before someone catches wind to this and gets in their feeling about it. It’s all love here. But seriously, let me stop playing on here, I don’t know what any of them got going on or what type of girls are on their roster, as long as they aren't letting any broad stress them out, well fellas if you're going to let a woman stress you out at least let it be a woman who's about something. You gonna be a million dollar man and let a $12 a hour broad stress you out? Listen, I used to be a $12 an hour broad. I was that girl. I haven't seen $12 a hour since I was 19/20 because I knew that's not all I wanted, so I made sure to raise my own bar and achieve more. What are we saying now… I am the standard. Remember fellas, you too are the standard. So make sure you are not out here looking and acting shameful with whoever just because she has a pretty face and feed you compliments all the time, don’t be dense. Be mature about it.

Be safe everyone.

Shameful

November 12, 2024

“Be ashamed if you think you’ve not done anything shameful.”

READER COMMENTS:

"If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" -

"Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." -

"Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." -

"A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." -

"I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." -

"A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." -

"I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." -

"I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." -

"Be my rider. Don't be my headache." -

"If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." -

"Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

READER COMMENTS: "If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" - "Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." - "Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." - "A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." - "I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." - "A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." - "I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." - "I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." - "Be my rider. Don't be my headache." - "If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." - "Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

I gave you an intro in the previous topic about a young lady who starting seeing a guy, but her friends don’t like him because of his shameful things that he’s done or said. And I told her, “Look, if you like the guy and you are having fun, just keep hanging out with him.” Here’s the thing, we are going to go through different types of relationships. We are going to learn a lot from them even the ones that weren’t the best for us. We can’t grow if we don’t continue to navigate new things. And you are going to do shameful things and make shameful decisions that you are going to defend in that moment, but when you move on from that moment, you are going to have this new perception of yourself.

I am not ashamed to admit my shortcomings and I will be the first to say what I need to work on. Hindsight is 20/20, and trust me I’m not saying that the men I’ve previously dealt with have been perfect, but only they can to want to work on their flaws, I can mention it, but they have to want to work on it. And I think I’ve told you that the next man I get involved with in any capacity whether it’s a serious lover or a cuddle buddy, I am going to tell him what my flaws are. I’m going to tell him, “Hey, sometimes I’m not great at expressing myself or letting you know I miss you or that I want your company. And sometimes I may say something that might come off rude, but if you want this with me,then be patient and help me with it.” I want someone who isn’t going to throw in the towel when things get a little uncomfortable. Let’s created a fabric that keeps us willing to develop better ways of communicating with one another. Right now these kinds of relationships have to be of value to me and have to me meaningful to me even if it’s just temporary fun.

And I am going to address this because many of you keep making these suggestions. Say if a previous lover came back into my life, of course there may have been some things that were both hurt by, but I am at that mindset to just let that go and not revert back to the same things that did not work. Let’s not cause each other triggers or any new long-term pain. Let’s start fresh. And I’m not going to lie to you, I am well aware that a lot of men find me attractive. But if I am with someone whether he’s a lover, cuddle buddy or whatever, I’m not going to lean into the compliments other men give me. Even if the man I am sleeping with is sitting next to me and no one knows about is, because again, I don’t like to display my intimate relationships to people. If you know you know, but I’m not going to purposefully showcase it. But what you may see is me engaging more with the man sitting next to me than any other man and giving him special treatment. And people may see that as us being good friends or they may see it as us possibly together in some capacity. Either way, the one that I am sleeping with, I want him to know I want him, not these other men who are trying to take me out, no, I want the man who you may or may not know is my man. And I’m using the “My Man” term loosely, because you know that’s not a term that’s in my normal vernacular. Also, in return, I want to feel wanted too. Give me more attention when were are hanging out somewhere and give me special treatment. Let me know when you miss me and want to see me. Even if we are not going home together at the end of the night, make me feel that I’m the one who’s on your mind.

But let’s lets get back to the shameful things. We have to be aware when we are doing something shameful or making shameful decisions. Especially when we are in mentally inappropriate relationships. Here’s another tidbit from my PhD friend’s research; a five year olds mind isn’t the same as a fifteen year old’s mind. The same goes for a twenty-five year old’s mind isn’t the same as forty-five year old’s mind. You may like some of the same things, but the way our minds process information at different stages in life are not the same. Even if that twenty-five year old is making a half million dollars a year, what that person’s mind is capable of doing isn’t the same as what a forty-five year old mind is capable of doing. Don’t let lust cloud that judgment to where you are defending an age inappropriate relationship because you both like the same reality shows. - I’m being facetious with that example, but you get it. And my friend says a man who doesn’t get it has a complexity issue with his own age and identity and he will keep rationalizing his choices no matter how it makes him look. Sidebar: the President elect has that same issue on many levels.

The other day I was having a conversation with a mature group of people and the topic was about men and women and their preferences and roles in relationships. One of the highlights that came from the conversation was a woman being feminine and letting a man be a man. I am not sure if I share all of this or just pieces because I more listened than speak because I like hearing other views, but I said that I believe when women become very independent, we tend to emasculate men without even realizing it because we are so used to doing everything ourselves, we are not open to allowing a man do something for us. I will admit, I am guilty of this. Independent women have created their own securities, sometimes so much that when a man wants to share some of his securities with her, she doesn’t welcome it. And the result of that is the man not feeling wanted or needed so he doesn’t feel valued. There was an example the group used about changing tires and cooking. Even if a man cannot change a tire, he should be able delegate that task to someone who does. Same with a woman, if she doesn’t know how to cook, she can order take out. The end result is, the tired is changed and there is a hot meal on the table. But men and when have to share their securities with each other to get to that result and part of that is talking about where they fall short and where they can step in and come up with solutions to make our lives easier. This is also an area I need to work on. Even with my previous lover, we didn’t have the type of relationship where we did those things. But did we need to have that type of relationship? I don’t know because our dynamic was a little unconventional and it was more about spending time and having fun together as opposed to doing things for each other, but I’m not going to get into that and I’m not going to say which lover it was, but I’ve only ever mentioned three so go ahead with your process of elimination.

And when I talk about “weight class” I am not talking about your salary. I am talking about where your mind is at in life. The value of money came up as well in a conversation. The discussion was about how it doesn’t matter what you are earning, it matters how you are making your partner feel and how you are treating your partner. My weight class is someone who can understand or empathize what I go through as a parent, as someone who has responsibility to my family, as a career oriented person, and as someone who doesn’t just do the bare minimum. I’m older, so there are things I picked up along the way that a twenty-one year person cannot fully comprehend. I need the comprehension to be aligned. Money has nothing to do with it and money cannot buy comprehension. But there was something that the only other woman in the group beside myself said in the group conversation that I fully agree with. Some point of the conversation the example of cutting grass was used and the woman said she doesn’t mind if her partner cuts grass for a living, but she’s going to want to know if he’s content with doing that or if he wants to do something more with it? Do you want to keep working for someone else? Do you want to have your own lawncare business? Or is this temporary until something else comes along? And I don’t think I applauded her for saying it and I loved that she said it, because that is a very mature mindset and that let me know that she is an elevated women who wants to build something with a man. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the bottom, but is that where you want to stay? If I’m at level three and you are a level one, I don’t mind if you are working to get to level three, but I will mind if you want to stay at level one. It’s a different mentality.

Fellas, what about you, are you okay with a women staying at level one? Like you’ve been dating her for several years and she’s still at the same place in life as when you met her. Are you good with that? I think this question was phrased to the group slightly differently and someone said he didn’t mind if his woman was unemployed as long as she was taking care of the household and his needs. And if that’s okay with him and his woman, that’s their relationship. But let’s not forget there’s different types of men and women. I am a woman who likes to have more purpose that just my man, some men don’t like that, that’s fine, no hurt, no shame, that’s not the man for me.

And I think someone mentioned standards. There’s a standard to everything. Like why are you driving a luxury car instead of a economy car? Because you have a standard, right? And it’s okay to have standards, don’t shame people for them because a lot of times we developed our standards due to previous experiences. Like maybe you prefer navigation and leather seats and tvs in your car, so that is your standard when car buying. And to go back to the money topic, I don’t care how much money you make, but don’t shame me for doing well and spending my money how I want to spend it. Don’t make me feel bad for maintaining myself especially when I am not asking anyone to do it for me. When men criticize women like that, it shows their own insecurity. I don’t like sharing how much I earn or what I have, even when people ask me what I do for a living, I just say HR and I really don’t go into details about it because it is a vast field and people have different ideas of what HR does, so I just let them think what they think. At the very least, you know I’m a professional with years of experience. You don’t need to know what my checks look like. Just like I don’t need to know what your checks looks like. The only thing I need to know is if you want me as much as I want you and if we are open to understanding each other and if we can communicate through our flaws and help each other be better.

You probably thought this topic was going to be about the shameful things men do to piss women off, and yes, men are good at doing that, but what’s love without some challenges, and what’s love if it doesn’t teach us a few things? The shameful thing is not taking the risk. The shameful thing is avoiding our flaws. The shameful thing is not being open to other point of views. The shameful thing is not being clear about what we want and misrepresenting ourselves. The shameful thing is not learning how to love people and ourselves better. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.

Easy?

November 7, 2024

“When you take the easy way, you end up taking a longer route. - Read that again.”

Recently, several of my friends have been inquiring about my love life, asking me if I’m currently seeing anyone, what exactly I want in a relationship, and why being single has become my preference. One of my guy friends actually mentioned that I keep running, and I took a moment to reflect on it, I began to think that he might partially be right. I find myself caught in the middle of wanting something easy and enjoyable, while also wanting a more complicated challenge at the same time, but let me be clear about this: I do not want the type of challenge that keeps secrets from me, or the kind that gaslights me when I ask questions, and I certainly don’t want anything that makes me feel foolish or leaves a hole in my heart. I want a challenge that is genuine and fulfilling and makes me want to be the best partner for him.

I was telling another friend that I developed this paradigm that loose women don’t get good blessings. Which is why I’m not out here just giving my goods to anyone. And I would not entirely agree that I am running, but I am very cautious and intune with what may fulfill me and what may stress me. I know I mentioned in a previous topic that I am not normal, so my relationships can’t be normal either. Normal won’t keep me happy, normal won’t surprise me. And I also mention that someone suggested a cuddle buddy, which I am not opposed to, but again, I will need some upfront understanding of what I will and will not accept. And I am open to hearing his boundaries too. I don’t know where the line is if you don’t tell me. Also, my other criteria is that my lover has to be in my weight class or above it. I know I made this reference before and I account it for men too.

When you deal with someone in your weight class and you are transparent with what you want, there’s less issues because you are on similar wavelengths. Someone below your weight class is going to want more of you or more that what you are willing to give. They may be subtle about it at first, but eventually their need for you perpetuates beyond what you’re comfortable with. *But I need to mention that you may have this problem with anyone if you are not clear with your boundaries, even someone in your weight class can be an issue if you do not communicate effectively.

It’s very similar to the 80/20 rule. I’ve not highlighted this in a long time, but lets give it its own space. You’ve got someone who gives you 80%, but with people, especially with men they run after the 20% because it’s new, it’s fresh, it’s exciting. But that 20% isn’t fulfilling you like the 80% does and men tend to be the main ones who try to defend that 20% decision. No baby, its making you foolish and you can’t even see it. But if you need that 20% don’t showcase it like it’s 100%. This may go over some of your heads. - Don’t be mad a me, be mad at yourself for wanting to keep that clown nose on.

But what does this 80/20 rule mean for someone like me who has a lot of other things to focus on than a relationship? I’m lover girl true and true. I want to love on people and I love loving on someone and I have mentioned that I need to work on how I express my affections, but I do like having companionship. I like being able to have a conversation with someone and they give me feedback that’s articulate and insightful. I like spending time with someone who makes me laugh and makes me feel seen and appreciated. But with a romantic connection, I want the person to know and feel that I care, but I also want them to know that I have a few goals right now that I am working on and that I am not always going to be accessible or be the best company when I’m in my zone.

If we are spending time together, I am going to give you my 100%, but you cannot expect that all day everyday from me. I just can’t do it. And I cannot have someone who needs that much of me all the time. But when I’m in front of you and we are putting other things aside for the moment, then I am loving all of you. And if I cook for you, oh I really love you. Food is one of my ways I express gratitude. Even if you are just my friend, if I make you something from my kitchen, then you have a place in my heart. So I really don’t know what perspective this is in regards to the 80/20 rule, I just know if you take time to invest in me or someone like me then you are going to have a great return. And if anyone knows anything about investing and the stock market, you know it’s full of highs and lows, but if the goal is to get to know me, be in my life, and experience things with me, then you are going to continue to take your time with me.

I’m not easy, people like me are not easy. I have opinions, I have ambitions, I work hard, I’m smart, but I also have a sensitive heart because people like me have become so independent due to being disappointed by people we thought we could trust. So when I say you have to take your time, I really need you to think on that. And yes, it may seem like we’re running, we just can never tell who’s really by us or who is just using us for their own convenience and thrills.

Be safe everyone.