Grown Activities Aren't For Childish Behaviors

Ladies and gentlemen, the last few weeks have been full, but let me catch up with you all. How are you? Is everyone good? How’s the weather over there? Are you ready for the holiday season? Life has been good lately, well, life is always good, but I’ve been really steady the last few months. And I think it has a lot to do with just being at ease with myself and everything around me. I don’t find reason to fuss, complain, or add stress to myself, and I try to be conscious not to bring any of that towards anyone else either… I’m just not for childish behaviors or ways of thinking, and what I mean by that is that life and the world I created is for me, just like the life and world you created is for you and it doesn’t have to be perfectly aligned with each other, but I can respect and appreaciate what you’ve done for yourself and I would like that same respect and appreciation for me too.

Think of a Venn diagram, how different items overlap one another to show the connections. I created one to show you how I set my life up. I’m a very visual person, so there’s me in the middle of it all, and all my other elements that make up my world are connected to me, some are connected to each other, and some are connected to more than one element, but each circle represent a different part of me and who I am, my personality, my character, my responsibilites, my purpose to everything. And at any point, if that pink circle fcks up, it affects all the other circles. Realistically, anything we do affects everything that is part of us, but I would rather make a good decision and have a great outcome over a bad decision with a horrible outcome. Does this make sense?

I cannot afford to be childish or act in a poor manner. Although what I feel about certain things is still valid. I can still be upset, disappointed, and frustrated, but how I act on those feelings is important and can be a reflection of how people perceive me and how they respond towards me moving forward. We cannot always react without thinking first. And I’ll be transparent and admit that there have been times I’ve reacted poorly and the outcome wasn’t the best, and I ended up feeling worse afterwards. I do my best not to put myself in that space again. So I give myself time to reflect, collect my thoughts, and process what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it before I address anything if in fact it needs to be addressed.

Now my social life is pretty vibrant, and I have a diverse group of people I enjoy being around and as much fun as I have with people, I still stay mindful of my decisions and actions. One bad night can ruin everything I worked hard for. It’s the same for my personal and private life. Even though I do not openly discuss the details of those parts of my life, I still need to be conscious of what I do and how I maintain that. It’s important for me that I am accountable and do my best to balance the different parts of my life.

I cannot control what others do or say, but I can control how much of what they do or say affects me. Now if I care about someone, what they do or say may have more of an impact on me over someone I don't have the same thoughts towards, but again, before I react or respond, I need to process everything.

Being grown and being an adult are two different concepts. And 18 year old is considered an adult, but it doesn’t mean that person is grown. As someone who wants to have positive experiences, I have to be mindful of not just myself and my surroundings, but also of who is within my surroundings and the types of people they are. Are the grown too or are they just adults? Are they the kinds of people who take accountability or do they deflect and push back the blame on others? Are they open to looking beyond themselves and consider how other people feel? Or are they the types of people who only want to feel good for themselves and everyone else is the problem? Think about this in your own life.

Be safe everyone.

Keep That Over There

A lot of you have been asking me how I am so good at handling relationships and getting through pain or disappointment, but to be honest with you, I’ve not always been great at it, plus I don’t share all the details of my hurdles. I like to go through things my way so I can grow through them, you know? Life is constantly a learning process, and every experience comes with its own lessons. I will say this much: I have little to no drama in my life.

I am not sure how this happened or even how it came about, but I am in a phase in my life where my mindset is…. “Life goes on.” I’ve noticed that I am not as phased or reactive to certain things that I used to be bothered by. I mean, I still get upset, by my reactions towards it are either very passive or if I am really bothered by it, I don’t let it last long. And to be honest with you, being this way has allowed me to have better experiences and enjoy my time with people better. The drama line in my life has flatlined, at least for now. I want to be clear, it’s not that I do not care about anything, I care very much about a lot of things… and people, I just decide if something is really worth me being distraught over or not. Say if I am anticipating on spending time with someone and they end up being busy or decide to do something else without me, I may be a little let down, but I am still going to find a way to enjoy the rest of my day. If I call or text someone and they don’t respond for a few days, okay, no worries, I accept that they will reach me when they can.

Although certain relationships with people may require more frequent contact and communication. For instance, I speak to my father about 2 or 3 times a week, whereas my sister speaks with him daily. My sister and I have different relationships with our father. Now with my kids, that’s an everyday call or text. With my two best friends, one of them I speak with every few months, while the other, I speak with about once a week and no one makes a fuss about it, there’s no drama with how few or how often we speak or see each other. As for people I see often, I know a few of them have gotten used to seeing me or hearing from me on a regular basis, so when I am absent or silent for a period of time, they start to reach out and check in on me. And I appreciate that, because sometimes I do get caught up in my own responsibilities or tasks that I seclude myself without realizing it. And again, I appreciate that people don’t get upset when they haven't seen or heard about me or assume things about me. I like to be that way with people, also. If I am used to seeing you or speaking with you often, I try not to go more than a few days without reaching out. It doesn’t take a lot to be considerate, and I want to be considerate of people. There is no drama in my life, and I don’t want to accept anyone bringing drama into my life.

There are more than plenty of times when people are telling me about someone else’s business or sharing their unfriendly thoughts about someone, and I do not add any encouragement to that type of conversation. I either try to redirect the mood or give the person a different perspective to think about. Especially since I am private about certain parts of my life, I don’t always like it when people talk about their misconceptions of me, but hey, I know people will talk no matter what, and all I can do is continue to be as pleasant as I can. I guess the best way to explain it is that thinking positively is now my automatic, knee-jerk reaction to things. If someone is telling me they are having a bad day or they got bad news, I offer my empathy and tell them something to feel good about. I pick up on a quote from a movie made in the 1940s, which goes:

“Nobody can tell you where your place is, wherever you're happy, that’s where your place is... and happiness is a matter of personal adjustment to your environment.”

All of our interactions and connections with people are different, and I adjust myself to be pleasant and enjoyable in each of those scenarios. And since we talk about intimate and romantic relationships a lot here, remember in a previous topic called “Emotional Residue” where I talked about leaving your issues from previous relationships in the past. If anyone you used to have relations with still has issues with you or the situation you once had, please handle that in a way that doesn’t interfere with what we have going on. And a man who knows how to lead and is practical and rational with his decisions will know or find a way not to let his past negatively affect you. Ideally, there shouldn’t be any issues; your past is your past, and once you make the decision to move on, that should be it. I also understand that sometimes your past can still pop up on you because we all have our triggers, but at that point, you make another decision on how much you allow it to affect you and if you will allow that to affect what you have going on in your life now.

If a man entertains the drama, I cannot control that, but I can decide how I want to be involved or how I want to communicate with him. Or if he is the type of man who welcomes all types of attention from women, all I can do is see how he handles that, how he interacts with those women, and how he interacts with me. I cannot control what someone else does, but I can control what I accept in my life, and I know I don’t want a man who allows himself to accessible to every woman. It’s one thing to be personable and charismatic because I am like that too. I will sit and converse with anyone, but I try to be careful of how I interact with men. There’s a fine line between being friendly and being flirtatious and sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference, but if a man is being nice and welcoming to people, I don’t need any woman being nasty or spiteful towards me because she thinks he has an interest in her and sees me as someone who needs to be set aside. Don’t bring that into my life.

Things are always occurring around us, and things are always happening to us, but we have the autonomy to welcome what we want to welcome, and drama isn’t one of those things I’m freely willing to accept. I never know how I will react to something, but I do know that I don’t want to welcome unnecessary strain or stress into my life. And if that comes across that I'm handling things well, they hey, I love it.

Be safe everyone.

Our Special Moments in a Crowded Room

In the last topic I mentioned I like small discreet acts of affection from a man. Discretion is not only a strategy, it’s an art form. People may see that you have chemistry with someone, but you don't need to double down on that and show all types of PDA to everyone. Relax. If you like someone and that someone likes you, there's no need to be extra about it in public. But if that's what you like or if that’s how you are, don't let what I’m saying deter you from how you normally are. For me, I just don't need all the attention on me and my interaction or chemistry with someone.

Although, I do like when we can share intimate moments with each other when we are in public, like saying things to each other that no one else would get or understand. Or doing small gestures with one another that we don’t do with anyone else. Here’s the thing when you are involved with someone beyond a platonic friendship, you're exposing each other to elements of yourselves that no one else knows or sees and being able to discreetly share that connection while being around other people without making it obvious is what I like.

As social as I may be, I’m still a private person and I prefer a private man. I love it when a man knows he wants me and expresses that to me and I love it even more if he knows to still express that same feeling and sentiment when we’re in a crowded space. You know how to can lock eyes with someone without saying a word but you know exactly what each other is thinking? Or when you quickly glance at someone and you just automatically feel the admiration for each other. That's the type of intimacy that I’m talking about. That type of intimacy can’t be forced, because there has to be a blanket of understanding, growth, love, maturity, and subtleness.

I don’t need a man to be loud about me. He doesn't always need to be right next to me or always focus his conversations towards me, but I do want a man be about me. Meaning, I would like a man to look out for me, be tender with me, protect my character, clap for me, and not bring any confusion, drama or chaos to my life. And the only time he should be aggressive towards another man around me is if that other man is making me feel uncomfortable or is being agressive towards me. Other than that, there are subtle and discreet ways we can be towards each other in public that let’s us know we’re paying attention to each other with avoiding our surroundings.

I'm of a certain age and although my circles are made of various age groups, my interests are years ahead of me, not because I’m looking to be taken care of, but because my topics of preferred conversation requires a certain level of experience and maturity. Does that make sense? And like I said in the last topic, if people know who I'm spending my private time with, then they know. If you ask me, I may say something like, “Yeah, we’ve been hanging out lately” but I’m just not going to announce it or share details of what we do or say during our intimate moments, that is our time, those are our moments. And say for instance if a person doesn't know who I'm hanging out with and say the man I’m spending my private time with is sitting next to me, and someone around us asks me if I’m fooling with someone, I may say, “Yeah, I have a personal friend, I just spoke to him and I saw him yesterday.” Not revealing that I’m talking about the man sitting right next to me. And he doesn't even have to be around for me to respond to questions like that. That's just how I am with my private life. If you know you know, if you don’t, you don’t.

If you happen to see me and my special friend out somewhere whispering to each other or locking eyes with each other or if you happen to overhear some of our comments towards each other, then hey think what you want to think, we’re grown over here. You all are over there with your business, let this be our business.

Be safe everyone.

Reader's Choice: The Things He Does

Okay ladies, this one is for you, so fellas take notes. I already started in the previous topic that I like when a man still reaches out to me when he is busy or has a lot going on, because I like knowing that I am being thought of even if he knows he won’t be able to see me until he has more free time. I don’t like being just an object of appearance, let me know you like me for more than how I look.

Now let me share what you ladies sent to me:

  • Vivica: I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months. The second week in, I mentioned that I needed to get my car cleaned and detailed, but I needed to make time to do it. A few days later, he sent me a text letting me know that he had scheduled an appointment for me at a detailing shop and that he had already taken care of the cost!

  • Cari: I had a bad day at work one time and I told my man about it. We did not live together at the time. When I got home he popped up with flowers and wine. But what really got me was he didn’t stay, he just came in, made me dinner, and left. That’s when I knew I was going to love that man.

  • Sonny: I like when a man hypes me up when I talk about my goals.

  • Chloe: When a man cooks, that’s top tier.

  • Megan: One time I was at a work lunch and I was a guest speaker. I was nervous. There was a good looking man sitting next to me at the table. I made small talk with him earlier. He noticed I was fidgeting my hands under the table. He reached over and held my hand steady and said, “You will do just fine.” We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

  • Lauren: I was having girls night. We got a section with 2 bottles. All the guys kept getting us shots and more drinks, except one man sent over an order of wings, fries, and water. He ended up being a guy that one of my girlfriends was hooking up with. I like when a man looks out for his girl and her friends.

  • Aliyah: I got the flu earlier this year and told my boyfriend we couldn't hang out until I got better because I didn’t want to get him sick too. You know what this man did? He came over and brought me soup. He drew me a hot bath to help my fever, then he washed my bed sheets, made my bed and gave me medicine before I went to sleep.

  • Nikka: I had just broken up with my boyfriend a few weeks before I passed the LSTATs. We hadn't spoken since we broke up, but we always talked about our career goals. We he heard I passed the exam, he sent me flowers and got Chipotle delivered to my apartment with a note saying how happy he was for me. We didn't get back together but I really like that he remembered how important this was for me.

There seems to be a common theme here. Even with the messages I didn't share because there were just so many, but the commonalities are that women love it when a man pays attention to them and contributes to their health and well-being, this includes the mental health too.

I keep talking about efforts, and all these messages just proves that effort goes a long way and leaves a lasting impact. So fellas, if you're here, take some notes. When we say we don't want much, we don’t mean we just want to bare minimum. No, show us something to let us know you care and you want us to be good. Don’t do something with a motive of getting something back. If I do for you, I’m not necessarily expecting you to do the same back and I’m not keeping tabs. If you're a decent person, you'll do for me too in your own ways and in your own time.

These days men and women tend to be so divisive on who should be doing what. I don’t get into all of that. If you like me and you care for me, then something in your heart, your soul, your spirit will want you to stay connected with me and your actions will follow, even if it seems like a small gesture, the effort of maintaining that connection with me, especially if we are both feeling each other or sharing a nice vibe or interested in each other in some way, because if only one person is interested then the effort isn’t going to hit much, but if we are digging each other then your ways of keeping connected with me is a beautiful act of respect, care, and admiration.

Be safe everyone.

When A Strong Woman Becomes Soft

This is an extension of the last post about a man knowing how to lead. When a man knows how to lead and a woman knows how to follow, she naturally reverts to her feminine side and her softer side. For me when a man I like or a man I’m attracted to, when he takes charge, I immediately paused and think, “Oh, this man is about to handle me!” And then I have less than point two seconds to decide if I’m going to let him or not.

I’ve said time and time again, I’m a very strong minded woman and it takes a certain type of man to really pull out a more feminine and docile side of me. But when that side of me comes out, it’s like a different version of me and only he gets to see that version of me. The rest of them get what they get. And every woman has this side of her. Fellas, you've got to be THAT MAN to bring out her softer side. Every man can't do it, just like how every man can't lead. Ladies, just because a man is interested in you doesn't mean he’ll know how to lead you, don’t get caught up in the compliments or the superficial actions. Pay attention to what he does and what he shows you beyond the bare minimum.

I am willing to be soft for a man when I see that he's treating me differently and making me feel like I’m important to him or special to him. You can tell when a man admires you, he doesn't just say it, his aura and demeanor around you will show it. He’ll make sure you're comfortable, he’ll check on you, he’ll only say certain things to you that he won't say to someone else, especially when you're out and around other people. There will be significant things that he'll he’ll only do or say with you.

And ladies, it’s not about us giving up our power or independence, it’s about noticing when a man is noticing us and wants us to not feel the need to be so guarded and by ourselves. It’s about letting him take the role of a man and showing us what a man can do to add value and vibrancy in our lives. And I'm talking to all the women who's had to do everything on their own for most of their lives, baby I’m one of you. I know how hard it is to relax your shoulders and allow a man ease out that tension you’ve been carrying, but as women, we’re not meant to always carry everything, even if we’ve become good at doing it. Let that man relax you and make you smile and in return, show him how feminine and soft you can be.

A mature and grown man will know his value and knows how to distinguish a well rounded woman, he will cherish the person you are and not want to change you, but rather elevate and add to you. A man who hasn't figure himself out yet or is having some self awareness issues will fall into the trap of liking the attention from a low level woman who makes him think he's a king because he won't acknowledge the fact that she has limited or no other options. (That may go over some of your heads, so I’m not going to go further into that thought 😶). I’m just saying, there's a difference between a woman who knows who she is and a woman who's still trying to figure out her identity. And there's a difference between a man who can see that in a woman.

I’d like to be involved with a man who knows who he is and has confidence with his identity, because one thing about me is that I love a confident and dominant man. A man who's dominant in the right ways, to where he is not controlling, overbearing, but he knows how to settle me and treats me with the type of care and gentleness that leads me to pulling out my more softer and docile side.

I feel like when a woman is able to bring out her feminine side, she's also able to make a man feel at peace and make him feel like there’s no one like him or that no other man can have the same place in her heart that he has. When a man can do that for a woman and make her comfortable enough to not be so brazen, I feel like she will transverse that same sentiment and energy for a man and multiply it. Because women are fruitful, what you give to us we give it back in abundance. What do you think?

Be safe everyone.

When A Man Leads

There's many men who think they are leaders, and then there's men who just lead. A man who knows how to lead doesn't leave you confused or unsure about where you stand with him or whether you're important to him. If a man tells you that you're connection with him, or your history with him, or your time with him is no different than what he is sharing or has shared with someone else (especially if that someone is another woman), then that man either is

1. He is not leading you anywhere

2. Your situation with him is not valuable to him to make a difference from the past women he’s been involved with.

For instance, if a man is telling me that my experiences with him are no different than his experiences with other women, then I’m going to feel like he doesn’t really value me that much and I'm not really that important to him, in which case there's no reason I should allow him to lead me.

Here’s the thing, ladies, when you're getting to know a man or starting to get more involved with a man, you do have to let him lead in certain ways, but not every man can do that. Not every man should be given that opportunity to lead you, especially if he’s not making it clear what his intentions are with you.

A man who leads will make a solid decision about you and let you know what that decision is. He makes an effort for you. He tells you he wants to see you. He does what he says he’ll do. He's not always going to do what he wants, he’ll learn what you want and make some adjustments to make you happy just as much as you make him happy. And he understands that if he is involved with a focused, driven, and ambitious woman, then she isn't always going to be available, but that's not going to make him call the next one, because he knows where the value is, and he's patient with you.

Even when I am busy or if I am handling something where I cannot give my full attention to someone, if a person reaches out to me, I try to contact them back in a timely manner just to give them a heads up that I am not avoiding them or ignoring them. What I don’t like is when I’m not available and a man makes assumptions that I’m with another man or dealing with someone else. No, if a man is really paying attention to me, then he knows I’m not doing any of that. He's not going to deflect and say or do things that have no merit. Like don’t be dismissive of me being I’m not being exactly how you want me to be.

A man who knows how to lead is self aware and reflects on decisions and actions and doesn't automatically place blame on someone else. He thinks about what he could have done better to avoid or remedy the issue. I’m trying to practice that as well. With me being very opinionated and head strong it can be very frustrating for someone to get their point across to me, this is one of the things I am very aware of with myself and also something I'm working on. And I’ve also been finding myself taking more of a backseat when there’s a dispute especially when the other person takes into consideration what I’m saying and how I may have been affected by something.

I mentioned in the last topic that I've not always been great at expressing my emotions. The reality is, my feelings do get hurt at times especially when I feel like someone doesn't really care. I feel like if a man thinks of me as important or someone he appreciates, then he'll notice when my emotions are off or he’ll notice if I’m pulling back and he’d want to know why. Because a man who knows how to lead is also a man who wants to learn how to improve his interactions and intentions with a woman. What do you all think?

Be safe everyone.

Emotional Residue

Let’s talk about emotional residue. Many of us avoid talking about our emotions (I am one of those people), but in order for us to move forward, we have to be clear about what we used to feel and how we feel now and what we are not going to do when we move forward.

I think sometimes when we leave a relationship, no matter what degree the relationship was, we don’t leave all of it behind. Certain feelings, fears, or habits can stick with us, almost like a little leftover ‘emotional residue.’ It’s not about still wanting the other person—it’s just that some of the pain or patterns from before can sneak into how we see and react to things now. We are a product of our experiences. In the last topic, I mentioned what I want, and whoever I get involved with, I really want to be mindful of not bringing old wounds into something new and risk hurting what someone and I can develop together.

Emotional residue is the lingering emotional impact from a past relationship that sticks with you—even after the relationship has ended. It’s like a faint “emotional fingerprint” left behind by your previous partner. This residue can include unresolved hurt, mistrust, fears, or even habits and assumptions that were formed during that past relationship.

When someone carries emotional residue into a new relationship, they might:

  • Compare their new partner to their ex (positively or negatively)

  • Feel defensive or mistrustful because of old wounds

  • React strongly to small triggers that remind them of past conflicts

  • Struggle to be fully present and open to this new relationship

In the context of moving forward, the idea is that emotional residue needs to be acknowledged and worked through so it doesn’t spill over into the new relationship. Without doing that, the past is effectively “living in the present,” influencing feelings and behavior in ways that might not be fair to the new partner. It’s like you’re tracking dirt from one house and into the next house; you don’t want to do that because then that dirt becomes part of your new relationship that the new person has to help clean up, is that fair?

Like I said, I want to avoid doing that with someone because that puts our communication and connection at a disadvantage. And I wouldn’t want a man doing that to me either. Your previous relationship isn’t this relationship, and both people have to open enough to discuss that so that the two of you don’t get a misunderstanding of each other. So whoever I may get involved with, I am going to have this conversation with that person and let him know:

“Hey, I am not the person you were with previously seeing, so don’t automatically assume that things are going to happen the same way with me. Let’s give each other grace and a fair chance to show one another that things can be better if we just stay open to sharing our thoughts, concerns, and feelings with each other.”

I think this is a very mature conversation to have with someone, what do you all think?

Be safe everyone.

What I Want

This topic is going to be very short. In the last few years, I’ve really been able to assess what I want for myself and the list is very short, hence why this topic is short. Although, I do understand that there may be people who cannot give what I want and that’s fine. I’m not going to require, expect, or demand what you cannot give, just don’t expect from me what you cannot give back. Now, I'm a mature woman of a mature age, and at this stage in my life, if a man wants to be involved with me there's just certain things I want from him.

  1. I want quality over quantity. We need to do more things and talk about more things other than sex and drinking. I want to know how you think, what your values are, how you handle conflicts, and what you believe is the pursuit of happiness. My friend explained to me that some men may see me as unaproachable or unattainable because I do not carry myself as a one night type of woman. Like, I’m not one of those girls who takes a bunch of shots and end up in some random man’s bed. No, I’m the one who you realize within the first 10 mintues of talking to me that I have my shit together and like to be around people who have their shit together too. Being able to take care of yourself and manage the life you want or the life you have is and admirable quality (especially at the age we are) and it shows me that you not only have potential, but you are living up to your potential too. Ladies and gentleman, be very careful of the people who only have potential but, have nothing to show for it then end up leaning on you to develop their potential.

  2. Let’s go out. I don’t always want to be in the house. I like to hang out and be social. We don't need be all up on each other and constantly in each other’s face. Just check on me and in between conversations and let’s laugh and have a good time and then go home. I just don’t want to sit in the house everyday.

  3. State your intentions and do not deviate once we establish that understanding. I’ve got responsibilities and restrictions, and I expect a man of a mature age and stature to also have responsibilities and restrictions. Let’s be clear on those things and talk about what we want from each other and stick to it so we can act accordingly. We are too old to be going back and forth with mixed emotions and not knowing where we stand. Be clear with me about what you want and listen when I tell you what I want.

I'm not opposed to having parts of a relationship experience without the full relationship. I still want the effort, but I also understand that we can't always be available to each other because of other things in our lives that need our attention also. Communicate with me so I don't get a misunderstanding of what we are and what we’re doing.

Now, to those of you who have been reading or listening to my topics, I am not sure how my personality, my values, or my wants come across, but I got the following message from one of you:

Raya, I mean no disrepect by this, but you seem like you would be a perfect mistress for a married man.

How do I take this comment? Is this a compliment? Is this an insult? I know there have been a few topics on here talking about marriage and side relationships, but do I read as a woman who would make a good girlfriend to someone’s husband? Please, someone explain this to me.

Be safe everyone.

We Can Be Saved

I was speaking with a colleague a few weeks ago, and we were talking about forgiveness, grace, letting go, and keeping a kind heart after going through trauma or pain.

If we don’t give grace, we won’t know how to accept it when it’s given to us, we may take it, but we won’t know what to do with it because we don’t understand enough of it to give it to others, does that make any sense? You have to experience both parts of something to have a better understanding of it and to have a better handle on it.

I think in the last few years, I’ve been leaning more on giving and showing people grace. That does not mean everything will go back to the same as before; it just means I’ve accepted the experience, but I’m not going to go through it again. You have to do things and make decisions that are good for your soul and align well with your spirit. If you make a choice and it ends up being a bad choice, then you have to make a rational decision on whether you want to continue with that choice or make a complete change. Only we can save ourselves from our poor decisions. And yes, we are going to make mistakes, but if you keep making the same mistakes, then you really have to ask yourself why you want to keep going through the same cycles instead of learning from them and doing better. And you also have to reflect on the notion that you cannot help someone if they are not willing to help themselves. Again, only you can save yourself, even if that means you can no longer be the same person for someone else.

So, ladies and gentlemen, take a moment and think about your life, what you value, and the direction you want to take yourself. Then think about the people in your life, what they mean to you, what they’ve added to you, and even think about what they may have taken from you, and I don’t mean taking from you physically; I mean taking from you mentally and spiritually. If you come to a conclusion where there are certain people in your life who just don’t align with your values and your direction, then baby, trust me when I tell you, it is not selfish to walk away from those people. Forgive them for any of their indiscretions, give them grace for them to go and help themselves, and you refocus on repairing yourself. You don’t have to hate someone to leave them alone; you just have to be firm on what you don’t want for yourself anymore. Because there is never a good reason for you to keep allowing someone to keep putting their emotional weight or burdens on you. You want people who complement your dynamic, people who know your flaws but don’t use them against you, and people who add to your energy instead of taking from it.

I said this to someone the other day, people who are truly good in their core will always thrive, and others will gravitate to them, but these people also have to be careful of those who just want to thrive off of their energy instead of adding to it. So, yeah, take a moment and think about the people in your life and assess who you just can no longer allow to walk with you in your journey and who is not deserving of your value, and then just connect with the people who make you feel great.

And I want to add this last thing. I do know who may need to hear this, but if you are dealing with something that is a result of the direction you choose, take that loss, accept the lesson, clean up your mess, cut the rope and tie off the loose ends, and start healing yourself and get back to what makes you feel and be great. I’m sure there are people out there who miss you and have been waiting for you to see what wasn’t good for you.

Be safe everyone.

The Wives' POV

The Wives have spoken. Let’s get into it.

First I want to share my perspective when I was a wife. I know men do what they do at times, I’m not naive. And not to get too much into my personal past, I do feel my then-husband could have handled things better. I think if a husband OR a wife is going to partake in extracurricular activities, there needs to be some ground rules, kind of similar to TJ’s rules for being the side person. Now, this is just my personal opinion and I am not advocating for married people to explore outside of their relationship, but if they choose to do so, here’s what to consider:

  1. If you still want to be married, do not let your actions or decisions negatively impact your home. You still need to think about your partner and do things you normally do, like date nights, family time, and just doing things that keep you connected to each other.

  2. NEVER put your side time above your married time. If you entertain an outside relationship, whatever plans you have with that person do not override any plans, or even last-minute plans, with your spouse. For instance, if you had dinner plans with your side person, but then your spouse wants to do something that same evening, then you need to put your spouse first. Although, you also need to let that other person know that plans have changed, don’t just leave them hanging. You see, if you are going to juggle people like that, you still need to be transparent about your moves.

  3. NO BABIES. Do not bring any babies home. I feel like this rule is very self-explanatory, so I’m not going to get into the implications of an outside pregnancy.

  4. Do not get your feelings too involved. This may be hard to do because when you are getting to know someone and you are intimate with them, feelings are inevitable, but you have to know when to pull yourself back and draw the line so it does not interfere with your marriage.

  5. Do not let the person know too much about your home life or your marriage. Just like with no. 4, as you are getting to know someone, you may share details about yourself, but try not to get too detailed about what goes on in your marriage or in your home. The main thing you should be sharing is that you are married and/or very much involved in family activities. Your side person should never know your spouse’s routines or schedules or any specific details. You’ve got to compartmentalize your relationship and the only one worth protecting is your marriage. And if you ever have issues or problems in your home, you keep that to yourself and only discuss them with your trusted friends and family.

So these are my 5 rules. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Now let’s get to some of your comments. One reader stated that a husband cheating is not a deal breaker and as long as no one comes to your doorstep and the home is still cared for, then there should be no problems. I agree with this. Another reader said that if you are the type to step out of your marriage, you should never have gotten married, and I empathize with this statement, but the reality is, that people are going to do what they do, you just need to have some standards and rules to it. There was one reader that stood out. She shared 3 things to do or not do as a wife who has a husband who wonders. We are going to call her “Wifey”. Wifey says that she has been married for 8 years and she has no proof, but she knows her husband plays around a little. Here is what she says to keep her home at peace and her marriage thriving.

  1. When he leaves the house, don’t ask too many questions because if he is doing something with another woman, his answers will not align or make much sense, and then your mind will wander and you’ll start second-guessing everything. Wifey says all she does when her husband goes out is tell him she loves him, to have fun, and to keep his phone handy if she needs him. And she also says that as a husband, he needs to answer his phone when his wife calls or texts, but she also says she’s not one who calls or texts all the time. Wifey says she lets her husband be, and if it starts to get too late or past the time he said he was going to be home, then she starts to call.

  2. Never check phones or emails. I agree with this too no matter your relationship with someone, I do not care to look through your phone. Wifey says this is just as bad as asking too many questions. It will drive you crazy if you find something that looks suspicious, so just avoid it altogether.

  3. Wifey says, he is still your husband, so treat him as such especially if you love him and want to keep your marriage. The marriage may not be perfect, and you will have arguments, but she says she and her husband still make time for just the two so they don’t forget or lose the love they have for each other. - I think this last one is very important for any married couple whether or not someone is stepping out. You two have to grow with each other and keep learning from each other. If a couple met when they were younger and have been together for many years, there will be changes in how you think and move, and act, but you and your spouse have to keep the communication going so that you continue to understand each other through the years.

I like Wifey’s standards. I think this is a very mature and reasonable point of view. Marriage can be difficult to navigate and maintain, but I think as long as you still want it, you have to keep taking care of it. Don’t just abandon your marriage. Don’t stop doing things for your spouse, don’t stop talking and listening to each other. And even when you disagree, don’t put someone else over your spouse. You two are not going to see eye to eye on everything, but you still have to do your best to make compromises and sacrifices for the security of your marriage, family, and home. If you are going to be a spouse who has other relations, you first have to be a spouse who is disciplined enough not to allow outside people to interfere with your marriage. What are all your thoughts about this?

Be safe everyone.

Her Boundaries

I’m skipping around topics for a sec because I wanted to share these thoughts about the interactions with men and women and how sometimes things can get uncomfortable, but there is not always a correct way to address it. So a few weeks ago there was a video making its rounds on social media. I’m mainly active on Linkedin and Instagram and use those platforms to completely different things. The video I am referring to, I saw in Instagram. You all know who Doja Cat is right? She’s a singer/rapper and has made a nice career for herself. Well in the video I saw, a fan came up to her he was very excited and standing close to her and I guess the fan has a tshirt business and he gave the shirt off his back to her, maybe to have her promote it in some way? I’m not sure of what his intent was for doing that. But in the same clip, you can see Doja is uncomfortable and she just going with it and I can only assume she’s just trying to not be rude or dismissive of the guy, so she entertains it for a little. Then sometime later she makes a post on one of her social media pages stating she was uncomfortable and that she threw the guy’s shirt away.

Of course this started a tirade of everyone’s opinions, somewhere in support of her and others were questioning why she didn’t say anything in that moment if she was uncomfortable, and some even pointed out that she matched the guy’s energy so she couldn’t have been uncomfortable. My opinion on this is that I side with Doja and I’ll explain why in a sec. My sister and I had a conversation about this, how men will approach us and when we are nice or friendly, they tend to take it too far, but how are we supposed to act in that moment? My sister was sharing with me how men can make things awkward all because she was being nice to them and didn’t want to seem like a bitch.

I’ve shared many times that I go to places by myself, and it’s not uncommon for men to approach me and strike up a conversation. I’m not stuck up, so I’ll engage in small talk. What I don’t like is when they take my willingness to converse as a signal that I am interested in anything more. And I know some of you may be thinking, “Well, he doesn’t know, so he’s just trying to figure it out as you two are talking.” - and I understand that, but there are also other things to pay attention to during the conversation, like my body language, how I am responding to you, and the topics we are talking about.

If you ask me about my relationship status, that kind of gives me a clue as to what your potential interests in me are, and if I am interested in you, there are certain ways I will answer that - I’m not going to reveal what I’d say, but if my answer is a bit standoffish or it’s not matching your energy, then that should give you a hint that I’m not interested in you beyond this conversation, but that means I’m expecting these men to have emotional intelligence and a good sense of self-awareness which I have learned that most men don’t have these acute skills.

I’ve been in situations where I’m having a conversation with a man who approached me and he got too comfortable where he started putting his hands on me, and ladies and gentlemen, this has happened more times than a little. And when I am having a conversation with a man I’m not interested in, I stay congnizant on my body language where I don’t get too close or I keep my distance, or I don't engage in topics that I feel may give him the wrong impression of what I’m willing to do. Like sexual inuendos, I don’t entertain or add to, I maybe will give a little laugh and then change the topic.

But uncomfortable things also happen when I’m not having a conversation with someone. Recently, I was hanging out with one of my guy friends, we were sitting at the bar and he went to the bathroom. A man was standing nearby who was talking to another woman, he reached over to me and started playing with my hair. I just look at him and I look at her, she doesn't react and I just give a little smile, then I notice my friend walking back. He saw what happened and looked at the man like WTF. My friend asked me if I knew him and I said no, and then he ask if I wanted him to say something to the guy and I said no. Now, ladies, I know some of you would want a man to go into protective mode and go approach this man, but all of my friends and I have professions, careers, families and a lot to lose if something serious happens; so we have to be smart in how we handle things. So my friend and I just left and he asked me how I was feeling, and this may be sad to hear, but this happens so often, (not someone random playing with my hair, but men crossing my boundaries) that I’m kind of numb to it. And I said to him, if I address it and say something then I become the problem because then I’m accused of not going with the vibe or I’m rude or I’m stuck up or I’m not a chill person. Plus, I have no clue how that man will react, so it’s two parts. If I address it, then I’m the problem because I’m making “a big deal out of nothing,” and it’s also for my safety because, again, I do go out by myself a lot. My friend was really bothered by this because he has a daughter and of course he doesn’t want her going through things like this and he was like, “I’m sorry you go through this, you shouldn’t have to.” And I just reiterated to him that I’m just used to it now and I do my best not to make a scene over it.

There have been times where I had to pull away from men who I just met who try to hug me too tight and rub on my body or men who try to kiss me all because I had a friendly conversation with them and you want to know the types of things these men said to me to make me feel bad for pulling away?

  • Why don’t you want to hug me, aren’t we cool?

  • I can’t get a kiss, we were having a good time tonight?

  • What, I can’t touch on you?

  • I can’t help it, you’re just so beautiful.

  • Stop being like that, I’m a nice guy.

So, fellas, am I supposed to let you all do what you want just because we had a conversation? Do you think that a woman being nice to you is obligated to let you touch her? And is supposed to go home with you all because she welcomed a conversation? Maybe I’m an anomaly, maybe I’m one of the few women who just like to have a conversation and just keep it at that. And fellas, if you are not sure if a woman is interested in you or not, then just take her number and see if she wants to hang out with you again or even engages in another conversation with you.

So, yes I do believe Doja Cat was uncomfortable and I do believe that in order to avoid making an uncomfortable situation more uncomfortable, she tried to be a nice as she could. And to the viewers, that may have looked like she was okay with the guy invading her personal space because she didn’t push back, but her facial expression and body language said a lot. To the people who supported the guy’s position, affirming that he did nothing wrong only let’s this guy know it’s okay to hug on women he doesn’t know and cross their boundaries. What do you all think about this topic? Am I wrong or is my sister wrong for being friendly to men? Where is the boundary and how do we let men know not to cross it without them gaslighting us or being disrespectful to us?

Be safe everyone.

The Blueprint by TJ

Since we got a lot of interest from the last topic, the reader who sent the message asked if she could detail the rules of dealing with married men. I like learning different points of views, so I said sure. Now the next topic is going to be from a married woman’s point of view because I got a lot of you ladies who want to say your part about this too. So let’s start.

The reader wants to be referred to as “TJ” and here is her blueprint for married men. To be honest, a lot of what she shared is admirable considering the nature of these types of relationships.

  1. The man needs to first make it known that he is married. This sets the foundation. This puts an automatic understanding of how the relationship can or cannot develop. Even if the man is separated, he is still obligated to his wife to a certain degree. TJ says married is married until the divorce papers are signed.

  2. Talk about the do’s and don’ts and stick with them. TJ says both of you need to outline what you want from each other. Is it a casual once a few months thing, are you hanging out a few times a week, and what all is expected when you two are together?

  3. If a man is with his family or his wife, you keep your distance unless that man says something to you. TJ said she once dealt with a man who introduced her to his wife. She said she was out having lunch with some girlfriends and the man came to the same spot with his wife and instead of acting like he didn’t know her, the guy walked up with his wife and introduced TJ as one of his friends. Ladies, if you are not comfortable with this type of interaction, let that man know so there’s no awkward situations for either of you.

  4. The rules are different if he is out with another woman who is not his wife. You can and should say hi to the man, because the only person he should be worried about is his wife and that’s it. Any other woman is rocking the same boat you are. And if he does act funny when he’s with another woman, that’s a sign that he doesn’t know how to handle his decisions and will play mind games with you and any other woman he’s talking to.

  5. Even though he’s stepping outside of his marriage, make sure that man has standards in the types of women he deals with and the types of people he surrounds himself with. (Don’t I say this all the time?") TJ says when a man doesn’t have standards, then he will likely be dealing with women who either don’t have standards themselves or who have low standards and have issues controlling themselves in various situations. Here’s my thing about standards: when I hear someone say they don't have any, my immediate thought is to say, “Yeah, I can tell.” If you don’t have standards, then you are willing to accept anything from anyone. Is that the type of person you are? Understand what you’re saying before you say it, especially if you are saying it around someone like me. Rather than saying you don’t have standards, say that you are open-minded to dating different types of people, but there are things that you prefer and won’t accept from someone. Everyone has their non-negotiables and that is also known as standards.

  6. Be realistic about your situation. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can have a future with a married man. And you can decide when you are done. He already has a home with someone, so however that is, you are the outlier and you are the one who can come and go as you please. TJ said never convince yourself you have to be committed or dedicated to a married man. His availability is not like your availability and you are not obligated to him in any way. Don’t create false hope with that man. Even if he says he loves you and wishes his wife were more like you, that’s just him being in the moment and you can be in that moment with him too, but don’t let that cloud your reality.

  7. No pictures. As beautiful as the moment may be, never take any “couple” photos with a married man. Photos that look suggestive or make it look like that’s something going on with you two. TJ says group pictures with friends or other people is okay, but it’s better to have no pictures at all of you two in the same photo. I know this new generation likes to share everything online, baby, I’m not from this new generation. I may snap a pic with someone here and there, but that all depends on who I am around and who my audience is. Not everyone gets to see what I’m doing or who I am with. And if you are dealing with a married man, that needs to be understood.

  8. Be on birth control. TJ says the last thing you want is to be the side bitch with a side baby. No one wants that. So, go to your doctor and handle that.

So that is TJ’s blueprint for dealing with married men. What do you think of it? Personally, all of it is very modern and practical. I can see how she has her fun and doesn’t get caught up in any bs. I already know there’s going to be a group of you ladies who have a lot to say about this, so go ahead and start your messages. I’ll be on standby to read through them. But let’s all be aware that this is not something that rarely happens. Married people have side relationships all the time. That song “Poppa was a rolling stone” wasn’t about a man who was dedicated to only one woman. And whether you want to admit it or not, I’m sure there’s an older relative or two who had secret children or other families they created. I know I have some of those relatives. But what TJ shared is giving you a way to enjoy these side relationships without destroying anyone’s home. The reality is, the only people who can destroy a home or a marriage are the people who are living in it, because anything a married man or woman does outside their home or relationship is a conscious choice. And if you are going to make that choice, you need to follow some protocols. Can we at least agree on that?

Be safe everyone.

Glass Kept Full

*This old topic is getting a lot of traction lately (2020), so I’ve updated the post: “What to do between Birmingham & Tuscaloosa”

I first want to say this because it made my week. I was walking home from the bar, yes, I live within walking distance from many restaurants and bars. So, I was walking home, waiting to cross the street and then I hear someone yell to me from their car. It was two women and the one said to me, “I say this in a non weird way, but you're body is amazing!” And I wasn’t even wearing anything tight, I actually had sweatpants on and a fitted top, so I guess my outfit highlighted my shape and the car was behind me so all they really saw was my backside. I suppose the daily cardio and waist training is working good for me 🥰. A few days before this a man said my body looks nice, but it’s different when a man says it because, Sir you just want to see me naked 😐. But I will give myself credit, I have been drinking my water and managing my diet, so I’m proud to know other people see my progress too.

I can be very critical of myself, aren't we all our own biggest critics? I have learned not to be so hard on myself and to keep a positive mind even if other people aren't on the same energy. As much as I may show my love and support for people I have to accept that I may not get the same love and support back, but trust me, when I do get that same energy back, I’ll never take it for granted.

This month has been such a full month for me. May has been abundant and what I experienced this month just confirms that my glass isn't half empty, it's not half full, baby that cup is filled to the top! And I'm going to keep it filled. Some of you have contributed to filling my cup. From my last topic a lot of you gave me some great words of wisdom.

One of you ladies gave me some really bold advice. You want to know what she sent me? Of course you do! She said,

“Hey girl! Welcome to the 40 club! You're already killing it. It seems like you will never have a problem getting a man, but if you not trying to be married or live together, then girl, you can do what you want with whoever you want. And you're friends who told you not let your morals get in the way, I support that. I had relationships with men with girlfriends, fiances, and wives, and I still had fun and I still had my freedom. Girl live ya life, make ya money, and find the men that call you beautiful and don’t have time to control you. Happy birthday and congratulations on the doctorates!”

Baby, this reader said a word, and why do I feel like she read me my rights? 😂 Her message stood out. I appreciate it, thank you!

And it never fails, every time my birthday comes around someone tells me about the qualities of my zodiac sign. I’m a Taurus and I’ve been told that my sign represents love, beauty, luxury, and sensuality. Taurus people are said to be dependable, patient, and determined, with a strong appreciation for prettiness, comfort, and material possessions (if you’ve seen my house, then you know this is very accurate). The biggest hallmark is that Taurus people are very stubborn. The sign also claims I am grounded, I like stability, I'm very loyal, sensual, and generous. And to be honest, this is all very accurate. Zodiac signs stem back to Greek and Roman mythology and I’m very big on those studies, but I just never got too deep into astrology. But my sign does describe me very well. So fellas, here's a blueprint for me, take notes where you can. 😉

Another thing I noticed and a few of you ladies mentioned this too. I’d say in my late 30s I noticed my hormones either being really off balance and causing unexpected mood swings or sometimes they make me feel, ummmm how do I say this, they can make me feel really sensual 🫠. I’ve not once acted on those feelings when they occured, but when it happens, I just try to think of something else, because remember, I’ve not been fooling with anyone for a long time and I’m not about to start something salacious just because my body is going through whatever she’s going through, my Hello Kitty is trying to be aggressive, and I’m like, girl stfu and stay hidden😆. Oh yeah, I’m going to love my 40s.

I think it can be revitalizing when you stop letting things or people upset you or you just let go of bad memories and focus on making good one. That's not to say you still won’t get hurt or disappointed, but we should learn to not let those experiences hinder our grace and love. When a negative thought pops in your mind, challenge it with a positive one. Before you speak, think of how your words can make someone feel seen. When you hug people, hug them with your soul, and when you look at people, look at them with admiration. Trust me, if you start to practice these simple things everyday, you're spirit is going to feel fulfilled.

Be safe everyone.

This is 40

Is 40 still considered a momentous age? I really don't feel much different. My heart is young, but I feel like my soul lived much longer. I like old school music like jazz and rnb. I like the hyper music too, but I more prefer the relaxed sounds.

I have learned a lot in my 40 years, there's a few new things about myself I’ve learned recently, but here are my top lessons:

  1. Get rest - You can work hard and you can play hard, but always make sure you get some rest so your body and your mind gets a chance to reset itself.

  2. Life is unpredictable - You can be a great planner, but ultimately things will happen the way they happen.

  3. You can only control yourself - Even if you have children, there's no change you can control everything they do, just like you cannot control what anyone else does. You only have full autonomy of yourself, what you say, what you do, and how you react.

  4. Perfect relationships are fairytales - Every relationship has unique cadences and caveats that make it what it is. Sometimes those relationships work for everyone, sometimes they work for only one person, and sometimes they don't work at all.

  5. Love is not a weakness - Loving someone takes strength and energy. When you love people, you are consciously thinking of their happiness, comfort, and and well-being. And loving people who don’t love you back the same doesn’t make you foolish, you just know how to be warm even when someone wants to be cold.

I’m not a person who is ashamed of getting older or feel that I need to prove to people I can still be young. I still have my late nights sometimes, but I love when I'm under my covers before 10pm. My younger friends always hype my up and tell me they admire how I carry myself and even my older friends and the ones my age compliment how I move and take care of myself. I want to be someone who looks like life wasn't hard on her, I’ve had my tough times and some heartache here and there, but I don’t think it shows on me and I like to believe it’s because any struggles I went through, I didn't feel sorry for myself, I did look for pity, and I didn't act like I had no other options, I just took my licks and made the best of it all.

I've not had a lover in the last few years and I think that contributed to how I’ve grown as a woman who wants intimacy over empty connections. A fun night is a fun night, but I want someone to imprint on my life and vice versa. Even if it doesn’t last long. I’ve heard stories of people having a great summer love that they still think about or someone they spent time with when they were traveling in another country. I’d like to have one story like that. - The summer did just begin, so it is possible, we'll see. I think I’m becoming more open to freestyleing my love life, just respect me and show me love.

With my professional life, some of you may remember from a previous topic that I decided to take a leap and shift my business plan slightly. I’m going into unknown territory for myself and I have no clue what the rest of the year will look like, but regardless of what happens, I’m going to make it work.

I am very pleased with who I am right now and the types of people I have in my life. I hope people continue to see how much love and support I give towards my loved ones and also know that even on bad terms, they can still count on me to be there in times of need. I want to be someone who is worth the time and the effort. I want to be someone who makes people smile just by showing up. I want to be someone that pops into someone's thoughts when they think of good things. Because there's people in my life who do that for me. ❤️

I hope you all have a great weekend. Be safe everyone.

Your Identity

I want to give a shoutout to one of my friends who I recently learn visits this website every now and then. This is someone I grew up with. He was a few grades ahead of me and both of us relocated to different states as our careers blossomed. We’ve kept in touch throughout the years. He’s now married and planning a family and he’s become a very affluent person, to which I could not have imagined the topics on this website would interest him. Even when we were younger, he was always very studious and speaking him would always make me feel less smart because of his extended vocabulary and use of syntax, but now we are intellectually equal and we had a great conversation about where we are in our lives currently. He highlighted a few topics that he liked and told me that some of the things I talked about gave him a different angle on family, friendships, and relationships. It felt so good to hear that from a childhood friend. I never know who visits my site. I know there are a large number of you who have been with me for years and that means so much to me too. I started this just to share my thoughts and experiences and to allow people to develop several points of view about various things. I never thought this site was going to become what it has become. And I cannot thank you all enough for it.

Here’s another message from Shay (lifestyle influencer). Listen and then let’s chat.

What do you think about her message? Have you ever been involved with someone and found yourself changing what you want to match what the other person wants? I’ll admit that I have, I was also young and foolish at that time. With the woman I have become, I really don’t see myself changing too much of what I want and what my preferences are to appease someone else. But to be clear, if I really like someone, I will make some adjustments and do some things to make the person happy, but I am not going to abandon who I am or my identity for someone else.

There’s a difference when someone is showing you how to improve your mindset or your way of living, vs someone who prefers you to think how they think or only gives you praise and attention when you comply with what they want from you. You don’t want a dictator, someone who is always controlling or influencing your decisions and how you live or move.

I was in a relationship for so long where I based my decisions and happiness on someone else. That’s why when I always say to be your own person and not to give up or morals and beliefs, it’s not criticism, it’s coming from experience. About 85% of the things I discuss here is drawn from experience, the rest is things I’ve witness or have been told by other people.

I’m not here to tell you how to be, I’m here to share my lessons and my lessons don’t have to be your teacher, you can learn everything that I’ve learned on your own. But I will always say this, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to trust yourself, don’t stray too far from your morals, and give people grace because you never know what season in life someone is in.

As for Shay’s message, never let someone make you feel that what you want for yourself is wrong of unattainable. I love when people love what I represent, even if they don’t think like I do or live like how I do, but they still admire what I’ve been able to do for myself and my family. I love having intrinsic conversations with people where we exchange thoughts about our values of life. What you place as a priority may not be what I place as a priority. And what you feel a romantic partner should do may not be what I believe and that’s fine. I like having people in my life who aren’t just like me and who give me insight on topics I’m not familiar with or things that I’ve not experienced.

I’d want my lover to be like this. If he’s exactly like me, then we are stagnant. But I also don’t want him to be so opposite from me that our morals and values don’t align and we’re in a constant battle on who’s right or who’s way is better. There has to be some similarities. I want someone who embraces me as an equal even with any differences of views we may have. As long as our foundation is solid then our differences just help us teach each other. That’s how you grow with someone.

Be safe everyone.

Know Your Value

So I figure many of you here are over 35 judging by some of your messages and the topics you like to discuss. And you've probably experienced enough to know who you are, how you are, and what benefits you bring. You all know I have a good sense of self esteem. I know my professional value and my personal value. My professional value brings me material assets to enjoy the life I want, while my personal values provide me experiences I cherish.

I made a tough business decisions recently, decisions that will change the dynamics of my life, all for the good. And within in these changes, other moving parts will also need to be adjusted. Yes, I know I am being very vague. Trust me, it’s all for purpose. These decisions did not come about without me exercising my skill set and standing firm on what I knew I deserved and what I know I’m worth. My professional life has really never been hard for me to sort out, I just have to make choices and go with it.

Our personal values can be a little more complicated, because your relationship with people differs from the next. Where someone may call me heartless, another may call me a sweetheart. I know my value as a friend and I tend to match energies with people. I get along with just about anyone, if your demeanor is warm and welcoming, mine will be just as much. And due to the type of person I know myself to be, in troubled scenarios, I either do not speak during conflicts or I match the tone of who I’m conflicting with.

We also have to identify the value of others in their different blooms of life. Let me give you an example. I have a friend who I really don’t hang out with very much, I just know him in passing and at times when we see each other, we’ll sit and chat. He runs a business that I frequent often and his staff is all under 30. Within a few years, I’ve watched him grow as a manager and an owner. He knew he couldn't successfully run his business alone, so he identified his best employees and gave them management positions. He knew that he need to let them know how much he appreciates his staff so he provides them with group trips so they can have fun and relax. But one thing I've noticed recently is his accountability. He had an inappropriate conversation with a few of his new employees which caught the attention of his managers. And each work environment and even in friend groups, gossip is just a instinctive trait. His managers got wind of what was going around and pulled him aside to let him know that he needed to stop whatever he was doing before it got out of hand. And here’s the best part, he listened to them and he went back to his employees and apologized for the inappropriate conversation and then he and I had a conversation about it.

First let me tell you, he is such a sweet and determined soul, that's what he's always shown me, so there's really nothing I could ever say bad about him. When we had our conversation, I praised him for his acknowledgement of his actions and listening to the people he put in place of trust and respect. Then I told him, “You don’t want to lose everything you build over a young girl who's got her eyes locked on you.” And I told him there's too many men who go down that path and get lost in the experience of loving the fact they have someone who they can snap their fingers to and the person would come running and willing to do whatever is asked of them. Trust me, that's not someone with their mind right. That's someone who bases their identity through someone else. And I value my friend for knowing his mistake and taking accountability for it.

Knowing your value is also knowing when people do not have your best interest. I am very lucky to have people who continuously show their love and support for me and don’t change faces on me when things get rough or if we are around other people. If you are truly friends with someone, they will not change the way they behave towards you for the sake of pleasing others, nor will they try to change you, but they will try to protect you if you are doing things that aren't the best for you.

It should be the same in romantic affairs. There is nothing wrong with being submissive…to your HUSBAND or to your committed partner, but until we get to that part, there are some things that we will need to understand about each other. I cannot speak for all women, but my stance towards men is, “If I want you to be in my life, you’ll have to understand that I’ve done and built a lot on my own, so even though I may not need you for certain parts, the essence of me wanting you should be valued and not taken advantage of.”

Be very confident with who you are and if there are things you know you could improve on, then be cognizant of improving.

Be safe everyone.

The Hype of Men

Ladies, ladies, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m listening. Many of your messages lately have not been male friendly, so fellas, what you all up to? I know the weather is getting hotter and foolishness isn’t far behind. So I am going to do my best to summarize the ladies’ disappointments here.

Want to know how to identify if someone is narcissistic? They don’t think about how their actions or words affect others and there's little to no remorse for it. They claim, “It's just how I am.” but don’t stop to see that maybe how they are isn’t healthy. Men aren't going to like this topic, but the ladies are saying…STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU DON’T.

We get wrapped up in the Hype of a Man that sometimes we excuse parts of him that still needs growth. Let me be clear, a handsome man who is humble, dresses decent, and is established doesn’t mean every category in his life is smooth or organized. He's still got things he can improve upon. We all do but, don’t let how great you think he is overshadow what he still needs to be aware of. We call these red flags now. Does a red flag eliminate a man from being great? No. Hell, all of my guy friends each have a few of their own red flags and I still think they are amazing men.

Red flags are more related to your personal preferences, so you first have to identify those and why you have certain preferences. And many times you developed preferences from previous experiences and how you want your life to be. One of my preferences is that I do not want to be involved with someone who doesn’t have tangible purposes in his life, such as a business or career, or some obligations that he has a responsibility for. I like a busy man, I also like a smart business man, not busy with doing bullshit, but busy with maintaining his life and himself and not doing things that directly hurt my feelings or hurt my value of him. And yeah, there are times men do take us for granted and don’t realize until it’s too late how great we are.

Men can be a means to an end, depending on what your end goal is with them. And ladies we have to understand that men take issues with us too. Let’s not make men accountable for everything. If you have a girlfriend who is always complaining about men, ask her about her accountability. I’ve done this with several of my friends, because a good friend with defend you in public, but hold you accountable in private. Many of my close friends and I practice this. We don’t call each other out in front of people, even if we disagree with each other. I have plenty of scenarios where a friend and I did not agree with certain things, but we did not discuss the issues in front of anyone, we discussed them privately. Romantic relationship should be like this too. If a man I am involved with is doing something that is bothering me, I’m not going to put the spotlight in front of people, even if it’s people we are close to. No, I am going to wait until we are by ourselves to mention it.

So ladies, there is a lot of good hype around men, but we cannot expect them to be perfect and we have to understand why certain things affect us the way that they do when it comes to men. Sometimes they are trying their best and their best may not be enough for you, but that’s not necessarily the man’s fault. You also have to figure out if you are asking for too much and if the answer is No, then maybe that man is not the man for you. And you also have to be reasonable with what you are asking. Now, I do agree that with these new age men, they want you to court them and chase after them and be sensitive to their feelings. Those aren’t the men I’m around or the men I would be intimate with. But it is harder to weed out the men who act and carry themselves like adult men who take control and get shit done. There are so many more Betas than there are Alphas these days and it’s disappointing. I like for a man to have a major in being an Alpha with a minor in being a Beta, because you do need elements of both, but the scale needs to be heavier on one side.

Men do drive us crazy and they call us crazy in the process, but collectively, we have to become better at knowing what we want, knowing how much to ask, and knowing when to walk away. Because what happens when you hold on too long to a loose rope? It’s going to break, and you are going to get hurt. A lot of times you are holding on because of hope, but baby sometimes you have to redirect that hope somewhere else.

Be safe everyone.

Pretty much any cocktail that doesn’t cock tails. 😉

Treatment

Let’s take a moment and think about how we treat people. I usually try to be pleasant with people. I have gotten better at toning down my discontentment when people intentionally do things to hurt me or spite me. One of my good friends told me that we should always be fair but firm. Meaning, we should be fair in our decisions towards people and be firm on those decisions. Of course there will be times where we give people more grace than others, but we still need to be aware that we are not intentionally causing damage to others.

Now when we are talking about relationships, that can be tricky because love is a mischievous emotion that can influence us to act in ways we wouldn’t normally act. I will never say that any of my previous relationships damaged me, at the least I’ll say they were learning experiences…even when I was taken for granted or treated like I was not a great person. Even at my lowest, and I’m not being conceited, I still remained amazing. And I hate to use this term, but do you know how to point out a true hater?

Someone who will always find a way or an excuse not to support you or applaud you, even when others around them praise you and stand by you, that’s a hater. Even if that person smiles at you or speaks nicely to you, but when they are not around you and your name comes up, they always have something to dispute when others are saying positive things about you. That is a sneaky hater and they are the worst kinds of people. They won’t speak to you about what their issue is with you, but they will try to convince other people not to think highly of you. Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t be this type of person. Again, treat people fair. If someone is not directly hurting you, why hurt them? Because then what does that say about yourself?

We have to be in control of our feelings and not be controlled by them. When our feelings control us, we don’t always make reasonable decisions and we don’t always treat people in a good way. Let’s talk about alpha and betas. An Alpha is someone who takes charge, someone whose words are powerful and everyone will listen to. An Alpha leads by example. A BETA is mostly the opposite of the ALPHA. A Beta is someone who does what he was told, is influenced by what someone else wants him to do or say, and someone who allows emotion to conquer rationality. Can you really be an alpha if you let your emotions control you and influence how to treat people?

If you are in a relationship, you want to respect your partner and make them happy. But if your partner doesn’t feel secure in the relationship, that person is going to want you to do things to make them feel secure, like telling your friends certain things, wanting you to avoid certain people, limiting your social life or wanting to be more involved in other parts of your life. Do you think this is rational? Everyone is different, so everyone isn’t going to have the same answer.

I think when your are still developing who you are, building your life, and figuring out what’s really important to you, than being flexible is okay, including being flexible in your relationship, but if you are someone like me, there’s only so much I’ll be flexible about. And what I won’t do is allow someone to tell me how I should be with my friends and loved ones because they have an issue with my relationship with them. I have friends who I only speak to a few times a year and they are important to me. I’m not going to change how I interact with them if I start being involved with someone. Anyone new coming into my life will get the rundown of who’s who and what’s what. They either accept it or they don’t. I’m not going to change my act for someone when I’m not doing anything that would go against my connection with him, because then I’m giving that person control of how I move. I’m not someone who sleeps around or hangs out with reckless people, so any man I get involved will never have to worry about me doing something that would embarrass him.

Here’s a weird anomaly with relationships, sometimes you begin to take on their personality traits and what you may not have had in common before is becoming more common now. Friendships are a perfect example of this, this is why the statement, “You’re as good as the company you keep” is important, because the people you have around you should inspire you to be better and your qualities should improve by being around them. You notice how when you meet best friends, they kind of think the same way and have similar vernaculars with their speech? Those friends may only start with only a few common interests and then developed into more over time. But if you are in a relationship with someone who has some bad qualities, it’s only a matter of time you will start to develop poor qualities because your energies bounce off each other. This is why choosing the right partner is also important.

When you begin to change who you are for someone, you also begin to treat other people differently. If it’s not someone you look up to, someone who inspires you, or someone you see yourself going through life together, then you don’t want to be so consumed by a person that you start allowing them to tell you how to be. This is why I said love is mischievous. It can trick you into thinking you have to be someone different when there’s nothing wrong with who you are in the first place. You can really like someone, and I’ve mentioned this before, there’s a difference between lust and love. Don’t let lust make you think it’s love and don’t let love make you become someone who you're not even proud of.

Be safe everyone.

GENTLE-Men

Fellas, we expect a lot form you at times, don’t we? You know, we want you to be respectful, honest, dependable, and not hurt us. That’s a lot for some of you, no? I’ve come across all types of different men. Here’s what I’ve learned. The men have good character and values are genuinely gentle towards women in how they treat them and speak to them, even when they are upset with them. These men also know that there’s all types of women too and that all women do not deserve their time and attention. That’s not to say those women are bad people, it more in regards to a man knowing the types of women who compliment their character and ways of life. We talk about the whole age gap thing a few times here and that is one of the factors to consider if you are a man of honor, value and distinction. I heard there’s an equation distinguished men use when calculating the acceptable dating age of women. The equation is 1/2 your age plus 7. So fellas, take how old you are now and, divide that by 2, and then add 7 to that number. The number you end up with the the youngest age you should consider appropriate when dating a woman. Of course this is up for debate, especially for those of you who say, “Age ain’t nothing but a number.” - Again, OK R.Kelly, go ahead and be out here looking crazy chasing after these young girls and getting caught up in those antics. I know some men who made their lives more difficult because they decided to go inappropriately younger with the women they entertain, but hey, do what you want.

The equation is also subjective if the woman is already into her 30s and has reached certain milestones. That’s what my second audio clip is about. That clip is from a previous topic after receiving some feedback from you guys. But let’s move on for that and keep going with how there’s a difference between men and gentlemen.

The third audio clip was also from a previous topic about how certain men know how to be private and discreet. Remember, I used the words discretion and propriety. Men of class and distinction practice these qualities in their everyday activities. This helps them avoid any flack or negative feedback they may get from other people. I admire my guy friends who are discreet in the way they move. They are not secretive because they do deny or lie about anything they may be doing, but they just share simple information without going into the details. For instance, if I ask one of my friends if they are dating a particular person, they will admit to it, but they won’t go into the detail of that relationship no matter if it’s serious or casual. And with my guys friends, those relationships are all casual. But this also allows them to be gentle to the women around them, because they are not sharing too many details about other relationships they may be involved in, they are not pigeonholed to behaving rudely, disrespectfully, or distantly towards other women in their company. Men who are in this category know exactly what I mean.

Now going back to the types of women who compliment a man’s character and way of living. There’s a lot of men who do not know how to distinguish the difference. With my guy friends, I think I’ve said this to them in so many words, maybe not exactly like this, but I’ll make sure they know this is what I think of them. My guy friends are one of a kind. They may welcome everyone to sit with them, but they are also aware that not everyone fits with them. Does that make sense? I am the same way. I meet people all the time and I am friendly and welcoming, but I am also aware that not everyone is going to fit into my mode. Like to my guy friends that have their girlfriends, those girls can sit with us, but that doesn’t mean they fit with us and many times they sense that too. My friends and I, we are top tier, we’re all on our shit, we make moves that you don’t forget about. And again, we’ll allow you to come hangout with us, but that doesn’t mean we believe you match our synergy. And I’d say most of my guy friends make sure their female companions are respectful of me otherwise, they keep them away from me. And I’d do the same for them if I had a male companion that has any issues with my guy friends.

The term gentlemen doesn’t emulate all men. A true gentleman has a certain finesse about him and believe me, I’ve had men approach me with no finesse and they keep trying and trying with no luck. Like it’s great you are persistent, good for you, but when you have no mack and no game, it’s just embarrassing for all of us. A gentleman knows how to see a woman, observe her moves, and approach her in a way that captures her attention, even if he’s not approaching her with a romantic interest. And even though my guy friends know me and have spent time with me, they still speak with me with gentleness, and yeah, they flirt with me and get fresh, but they never cross the line. Their finesse with me is more about seeing me as the female friend who they can relax with, and who can roll with them without any issues or judgement. They are my GENTLEmen.

So ladies, depending on how you are, what you are about, and how you carry yourself, you’ll attract men who will naturally be gentle with you and are protective of you. I don’t think that I have any man in my life who I call a friend who won’t want to help me in some way if I asked for it. So yeah, another part of men being gentleman is a woman being the type of woman she is.

Be safe everyone.

Love Delicately

“Loving Hard Isn’t Always The Best Way”

Let’s break down this concept. We usually hear people say, “I love hard”, but is that really a good thing? I’m one of those people who used to say it and here’s what I’ve learned about this concept in my experiences with relationships.

What do we mean when we say we love hard? I supposed it means we have strong feelings towards someone, but let’s translate that a little bit further. Having strong feelings is not necessarily a problem, although it can become a problem if the other person doesn’t share the same sentiments. Loving hard roughly translates to the idea that you are all in on a relationship and you would do anything for a person, that doesn’t sound to bad, right? But let’s keep diving deeper. Loving hard could also indicate someone being very possessive, controlling, insecure, and jealous. Are any lightbulbs going off in your heads right now?

It’s great if you deeply care about someone, but it’s unhealthy if you constantly need to be updated on their whereabouts, what they are doing and what they are planning to do, or what decisions they are going to make. Of course there’s some gray area here if the two of your share a home, have children together, or make financial decisions together, then yes, you should be informed of decisions surrounding those topics. Outside of that, you really just have to rely on what you know about the person.

If I am dating someone, I don’t expect him to tell me every move he’s making. Maybe in conversations with him, he may give me a heads up on what he may do, but I wouldn’t expect him to give me all the details. Here’s my thing, if you are living in the wrong, there’s nothing you can do right by me (that statement is more for deeper thoughts). If you are just playing games with me or keeping important information from me that I would need to know, then your moves are going to be hurtful to me in one way or another. But if you lay out who you are and your intentions, I don’t have to wonder about anything or feel like I need to be reassured all the time. My love is now delicate. I can love the flaws you have or the imperfections in our relationship as long as you are also aware of these things and keeping them in mind when you interact with me or make plans with me.

I can be invested in you without needing to know everything about you, but I do need to know things that may affect our connection or our availability to each other. For example, if you are a father and you take your kids to soccer practice every Saturday, then I know those days are unavailable to me, unless to tell me differently. I’m not going to take advantage of that time to go be cozy with someone else, that’s unfair to you, and doesn’t speak highly of my character either.

I am going to love someone as delicately as they allow me to. I’m not an advocate of going through someone’s phone or telling a man to show me his messages. If a man leaves his phone around me and it’s facing up, I’m turning that damn thing over. I don’t need to see anything that’s not for me to see or anything that he has not voluntarily shared with me. I’m not competing with anyone. I am in my own league and in my own lane. What you love about me or what you hate about me is your prerogative. I am a woman of value and means. You can accept what I bring and communicate with me what isn’t working for you or you can completely shut me out. As an adult, I would hope you know how to use your words by now, but I cannot expect everyone to have the same levels of maturity.

I have my life, you have your life, we can blend certain parts of our lives, but I don’t expect anyone to expose me to each inch of their world if we have not tangible connections such as a marriage, children, and financial assets. If I can only enjoy you on those small areas where our lives are blended, then I want to focus on that time. Anything outside of that, if it doesn’t affect me or have a negative impact on me, then it has nothing to do with me. It’s on us to keep the drama low or non-existent and big contribution to that is communicating and being transparent about of our intent with each other. I’m grown, I can’t deal with half ass conversations. We have to be good a talking to each other, otherwise, we are left to our own perceptions and sometimes our perceptions aren’t clear or 100% accurate. So ladies and gentleman, just talk to each other, so we don’t have to experience any unhealthy “love hard” type of relationships.

Be safe everyone.