Phone Down

December 17, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING: This topic will revolve around depression and mental health.

I know we all go through stages of being happy and then being sad, whether or not we identify the causes or parameters of our moods and emotions. My PhD friend and I speak about this often, especially around this time of year. People seem to mentally struggle a little more around the holidays for various reasons. She posted an article on her LinkedIn about how to identify and combat mental health concerns during the holidays. She actually shares a lot of great insightful articles about health and wellness. I very much believe that mental health is still a taboo topic among so many people. Although, I also believe mental health awareness is becoming more accepted in conversations.

There a few factors professionals or doctors look for with mental health:

Biology: Genetics and family history may be a cause of mental health. It’s also possible that exposure to alcohol or drugs has an effect.
Psychology: Stressful events, like a traumatic experience, in a person’s life can alter their psychology and lead to mental health changes.
Social: Social factors like a person’s home environment, community, relationships, employment status and more can affect a person’s mental health.

Signs/symptoms can include mood changes, problems thinking, apathy, appetite issues, etc. The statistics of different age groups is also interesting and I do think that having more and more access to the outside world influences these numbers, what we see, hear, and experience can all be triggers.

Ages 18 to 25: 33.7% have symptoms
Ages 26 to 49: 28.1% have symptoms
Ages 50 and older: 15% have symptoms

I do not ever recall being "stressed" in my preteen and teenage years, but when I speak to my kids, stress is a common word in their dialogue and I can understand considering the world they are growing up in as opposed to the world we grew up in. They literally have an electronic box in front of them all the time that connects them to different details of the world, life, and what their peers are doing. Growing up, I remember getting excited when pagers were able to transmit letters instead of only numbers that we had to decode. And my biggest stress as a kid was pushing STOP on the cassette player before the radio dj started talking so my "mixtape" could sound smooth from one song to the next. Our world was a little more secluded decades ago. My friends and I were more worried about getting to the skate park to see our silly crushes. These days, people seem to be worried about various things like body shapes, being the baddest bitch or the main bitch, being Instagram or TikTok famous, or connecting their self worth to other people. I cannot imagine how people 30 and under are navigating a media forward world and the age gap between me and my oldest is 20 years. I talk to my kids all the time about what they are facing amongst their peers and if they feel pressured to think how other people think just to fit in, be liked, or be accepted. Luckily, my kids mirror my same self-confidence and do not follow the herd.

We've experienced firsthand how so much changes just within a few years let alone 10 and 20 years. And this is one of the things my PhD friend highlights in her research is that our brains have been conditioned and influenced differently. For instance, my influences not only come from being born in a certain generation, limited internet access or social media, or living in different countries, it also comes from being the eldest child, being an immigrant child, being the first daughter, being a young mother, being a wife, being a divorcee, and achieving high academia levels, all of these transitions in my life affects who I am and who I’ve become. And sometimes these things do influence my stress levels and mental wellness.

My friend also says that people who live in small towns and who have not traveled much outside of those small towns or relocated to other small towns, or do not expose themselves outside of their comfort zones keep the same mindset no matter what age they reach. She assesses that small-town-minded people stunt their understanding of people who are not like them or think like them and can be very defensive when you challenge their way of thinking. *I thought this was a very insightful assessment and I’m probably going to talk with her about it some more.

Back to mental wellness, I think when people are honest about what they are dealing with, they can better understand it and position themselves better to combat various forms of depression or other mental health concerns. I am going to get a little personal with you guys and I know I’ve shared this in passing in other topics. But I struggle with seasonal depression which has now been identified as SAD. SAD is an acronym that stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder and is a type of depression that's triggered by seasonal changes, usually in the fall and winter.

Symptoms of SAD can be:

Feeling sad, or anxious
Feeling hopeless, or helpless
Loss of interest in activities
Fatigue and decreased energy
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Oversleeping
Thoughts of death or suicide (*I do not have these thoughts)

SAD is more common in people who live farther north, where there are shorter daylight hours in the winter. Women are more likely than men to develop SAD, and younger people have a higher risk than older ones. I find this to be true considering most of my adolescence and early adult years were spent in the northeast and I started noticing the symptoms in my late teens and early 20s, but at that time I did not know what it was. I just thought I was tired of my schedules and routines, I just thought I was getting bored with everything and needed a change. Even now when I get like this, I think to myself that I need to make a big change or do something new with my life. Little did I know when I was younger, this is something very real. And I think it’s like this for many people and just like how I was, they just don’t know what it is or maybe even want to accept it.

I can feel it when my depression comes on. It’s like I can feel a weight on me that slowly gets heavier and changes my mood. Sometimes when it gets too much I just shut down, sit in my room, no tv, no phone, no noise, I just lay in my bed and do nothing. Although, most times I try to get ahead of it and I force myself to get up and get out. Like the past few days I’ve been feeling it and I’ve not wanted to do much after work, but I still pushed myself to go out and be social.

I refuse to go on any medications, but don’t let that stop you from taking any prescription that can help you. I’m not someone who largely relies on pharmaceuticals. But, when it does get really bad, I take the following combination of vitamins and supplements: *Speak to your doctor about these supplements. I told my doctor I did not want to be drugged up and feeling like a zombie, I still wanted to be me.

Magnesium: helps with anxiety by improving sleep, calming the nervous system, and reducing muscle tension
Vitamin D: helps with mood and fatigue
St. John’s Wort: has mood-balancing properties and can help with mental and emotional function
Zinc: plays a role in immunity, protein and DNA production, and wound healing
Omega 3 Fatty Acids (fish oil): improve brain function and mood

But to throw in another perspective, sometimes we do need to shut down and shut out and rethink our decisions because like I mentioned above, social factors like your home environment, community, friendships/relationships, employment status and other factors can impact your mental health. What felt like a good decision in the beginning, may not have the same feeling now, you have to be honest with yourself about it. And it’s not back peddling if you are changing your mind to improve your environment. But this can also be tricky because you still don’t want to avoid how changing your mind may affect others, don’t just avoid people to avoid friction. Take accountability for the change and you don’t have to over explain yourself, but at the very least let people know why you’ve changed your mind about them or about something that no longer serves your overall happiness and well-being.

Be safe everyone.

Handsome Man, Ugly Teeth

December 12, 2024

“Putting Effort Into Your Appearance Is A Form Of Self-Care And Good Manners.”

What do you notice first when you look at someone? For me it’s their personal style, what they decided to put on when they left their house. If that’s appealing to me, then it’s teeth and someone’s smile. I have pretty good insurance that covers my teeth check-ups, cleaning, and anything that needs to be addressed with my oral health. And some people do not realize that your oral health affects other parts of your body including the heart, lungs, eyes, and kidneys.

Cardiovascular disease: Oral bacteria can cause inflammation and infections that lead to clogged arteries, heart attacks, and stroke.
Pneumonia: Germs from the mouth can enter the lungs and cause pneumonia and other respiratory diseases.
Pregnancy and birth complications: Gum disease can increase the risk of premature birth, low birth weight, and respiratory problems in the baby.
Kidney disease: Gum disease and oral inflammation can decrease kidney function.
Glaucoma: Higher levels of bacteria in the mouth, gum disease, and losing teeth can increase the risk of glaucoma.
Diabetes: Gum disease can make it harder to manage blood sugar, and diabetes can increase the risk of gum disease.
Alzheimer's: Poor oral health has been linked to Alzheimer's disease.

Good teeth and healthy gums are important to me among other things that affect my health and well-being. One of the most disappointing things is when I see a handsome man who has great command presence, who dresses nice, and smells good, but when he smiles, it’s very lack luster. Like I don’t want that month anywhere near me. Let’s skip the personality and character for a second and just talk about optics. What turns you off with someone’s appearance? One of you ladies said a man’s grooming can be a turn off if he doesn’t keep his hair or beard maintained. I can see how that would be an issue. Another reader said dirty shoes is a turn off for her, and I’ll admit, I look at men’s shoes too. Another turn off for me is when a grown man is dressed like a high school student. If the clothes are too oversized or the clothes are too tight, I cannot see past that. Dress what compliments your body type fellas. Don’t wear jeans off your ass and definitely don’t wear skinny jeans that look like you got them from the women’s section. Let me give you some pictures for reference. Take a look at these images, this is what I like to see on grown men.

One time, I styled one of my guy friends and put him in clothes like this, and when he told me he got so much attention when he went out in one of the outfits I picked out for him, I told him, “Baby, I know what women like and we don’t like boys in graphic t-shirts. We like men in collar shirts.”

And I know men like to see women in certain styles too. Men may look at the girl with barely there clothes on, but a grown man admires a woman who can be covered, but still exudes sex appeal. It’s a little cold outside these days and my cold weather look consists of a long coat and an outfit that represents chic and class. I may still show some leg or cleavage, but I’m strategic to leave something to the imagination. I’ve always been complimented for my personal style. A guy was telling one time he didn’t want to take a girl out after he saw the type of outfit she picked out. He said she had a nice body, but her outfit was too revealing for the place he wanted to take her to. He said the outfit looked really trashy and would attract the wrong type of attention. I like when a man can identify things like that. What I would wear to a business event isn’t the same as what I would wear to a friend’s party. There’s professional attire, there’s club attire, and there’s casual attire. My casual may not look like your casual because our personal styles will be different. You just have to know what not to wear and what you can wear in each setting.

And I wouldn’t say I’m too picky with how men dress, I just know what catches my eye. Luckily, 90% of my circle of guy friends know how to dress appropriately for their age. They are well to do men and they know how to dress the part, and I love it. They’re not coming outside looking like they just rolled out of bed and threw whatever on. Even if you do not put too much thought into what you wear when you are shopping, know what to pick out, that’s the key to making it easier to decide how to dress for the day or for an event. Get some nice pieces that can be dressed up or dressed down, like a good blazer. A blazer can elevate a professional look or a casual look.

But let’s not only get wrapped up in clothing, hygiene is just as important to being appealing. Just like the aforementioned, don’t skip your dental visits. Don’t skip your other health check-ups too. Your physical health, stay on top of that. Your mental health, definitely stay on top of that because if your mind isn't right, nothing else will be either (in fact, this is part of the topic that I’ve been wanting to share with you for the past week!).

Folks, we are grown, let’s get our shit together and not be out here avoiding what adds to our appeal and what takes away from our appeal. This has nothing to do with getting attention, people can admire you from afar and not say a word to you because they just noticed how you present yourself. It doesn’t faze me if people approach me or not, but I like to be proud of how I put myself together and I do like when people notice whether or not they let me know it. I just am not someone who doesn’t care about my image and that might sound superficial, but it also means that I’m going to take care of myself internally and externally. And I’m not going to come out of the house looking like anything. Even if I’m wearing sweatpants, I’m going to pair it with other things that make my outfit stylish. It’s the same if I’m wearing workout clothes, I’ll throw on a long jacket and maybe throw on a scarf to add to the aesthetic. We should all be conscious of optics and make an effort to create good optics for the public. The moment I stop caring about how I look or how I present myself, you should be worried because there might be something serious going on in my life that’s keeping me from being my normal self. 99% of the time, I’m going to make sure I’m presentable. You should want to do that for yourself too.

Be safe everyone.

The Wife Knows Me

December 3, 2024

“Know Your Reality.”

Reader Comment: “No wife is ever okay with sharing her husband no matter what she puts up with.”

Reader Comment: “A classy woman is never a side bitch because she knows how to keep shit on the dl.”

Reader Comment: “Married men be fooling with girls who be watching Housewives of ATL and think that's how you need to be.”

Reader Comment: “These days all these girls want is another woman’s man.”

Reader Comment: “If you're with a married man, so is everyone else, you just gotta know your place in line.”

Reader Comment: “Men forget to be a gentlemen and women forget to be a lady. Ladies and gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

Reader Comment: “Married men are the biggest whores.”

Reader Comment: “If a chick fooling with a married man and she bragging about it, she don’t care that she a hoe.”

I guess some of you saw this upcoming topic on the main page and started sending me your thoughts about. Let me point this out first and I've made mentions about this in previous topics. There’s so many different types of relationships you can have, you just have to be realistic about the type of relationship you currently have with someone.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is married, you have to be very honest about what you can and cannot do with this person. And if this person truly has an open marriage, then their spouse will know of you or at the very least won’t have an issue knowing their partner has other partners. But it has to be a mutual understanding between the married couple. The only mutual understanding you have have as an outside party is that you will not be the priority in the relationship.

Now, I've not experienced all kinds of relationships, although I’ve experienced plenty in my time to say this much. Ladies, if you are *knowingly involved with a married man, and he is a family man and/or has kids too, you don’t get first dibs on him. No matter if he’s in an open marriage or if his wife knows of you. And regardless of the gravity of your relationship with him, you probably won’t hold a high priority in other parts of his life. If he has female friends who he hangs out with or talks to every now and then, you can be upset about that, but you're emotions are misplaced because you are consciously choosing to be involved with a married man whose sharing his availability between his home life and his outside life and parts of his outside life are going to take precedence over you.

So whatever time you can get with him, I suggest you just make the best of it. And it’s tricky because your feelings will run deep, but you have to be realistic about who that man is and what he is willing and not willing to do with you. And I apologize for just using men as the married one because with applies for men who are dating married women too. You’ve got to have a full and realistic view of your situation.

You may find yourself thinking he/she will eventually get a divorce which may or may not happen. And if that person does get a divorce there's no guarantee that you will be their next spouse. And considering they were in a relationship with you while they were married, you will have that in the back of your mind if you end up in a more secluded relationship with them.

My whole point to saying all this is, if you are going to be involved with someone who is married, don’t give yourself high hopes that you’ll be their next partner or that you're a priority to them, because then you are just going to make a fool of yourself. You have no leverage to ask a married person if they are spending time with someone else. Fam, their married, whether they are spending time with their spouse or someone else, what's the difference? Just like you don’t have any leverge to ask someone else if they are spending time with the married person you're involved with. No one owes you any comfort or an explanation in this type of situation. YOU owe yourself that comfort, if you don’t like them spending time with other people, then you need to be with someone who’s not married. This is just something constructive criticism for you. You can take offense to it or use it to decide what you're going to do with youself. A married person comes with criteria that you either accept or don’t accept. And you are not going to be privy to everything or have 100% access to them because realistically, their spouse doesn't even have 100% access to them if they are entertaining other people.

Enjoy the time you have with them and don’t get beside yourself when that person is spending time at home or with other people in their life. Don’t sink into yourself for the sake of someone who can’t give you all of themselves. And I’m not trying to say married people who date other people are horrible human beings, because you never know what is going on in someone's marriage or what type of understanding they have for their marriage. 50% of my friends are married and regardless of what they choose to do, I will still support them as long as they are not out here making themselves look like clowns, I’m keeping my mouth shut about anything I see or hear in regards to them.

I hope this topic didn't trigger any bad feelings. If you're married and dating or if you are the one dating a married person, there's got to be an element or realism. You're feelings can still be strong, but don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment and making yourself believe something that isn’t practical. A married person is a married person until they are not. And as long as they are married, you are not the priority.

Be safe everyone.

Healing Vs. Hoe-Ing

November 26, 2024

“Nah, baby, you’re better than that.”

I do not jump from man to man. I give time and space between my love affairs. I don't do the whole “I’m hurt so I need to make hoe-ish decisions” or “He did me wrong, so I’m going to do something to do him wrong.” - No, that was never my M.O. I took strategic steps after each lover. For those of you who are new, I never use the term “boyfriend” and I don’t like saying “My man”. If I am romantically involved with a man, he is my lover and I’ve only ever had one husband. And the last time I called anyone a boyfriend was in high school. If you prefer to use those terms in your life, by all means, speak how you are most comfortable. This is the dialogue I am comfortable with using. Like I said, I don’t jump from man to man and I give time between each man, six months at the minimum, and that time can last anywhere from just six months to… I’ve gone several years between partners before. It all depends on what my focus is or what is all going on in my life at the time.

Right now, ya girl is finishing up the last leg of this doctorate program and the research aspect of it is kicking my ass! When I step away from my computer and maybe step out to a drink, I am taking that time to decompress my brain. The other day, I took a study break and my mind was in such a daze, I couldn't even focus on what anyone was saying to me, I kept zoning out and thinking about my paper.

But one thing NONE of my previous lovers can say about me is that I was a dumb broad who wasn’t about much. Even with my first pregnancy, I was still ambitious. Probably even more so because I didn’t want to be a bum parent. But anyway, yeah, no man can ever say I lacked intelligence. And I cannot speak for any of my previous lovers, but I would like to believe that at some point in time they realized I deserved more than what they were willing to give me and that I didn't succumb to the woman they wanted me to be but instead stayed on the path of how I'm intended myself to be. No matter how they treated me while we were involved, I want to believe that whatever they think of me now, at the very least they know I'm a good woman and an overall good person who wanted a love that wasn't easily defined and wanted someone to accept me as I was, as I am, and who I will be.

And this topic isn't shaming anyone who gets into relationships easily, most men do it all the time. They fall for a female that makes them feel good and they get hooked. Sidebar, I heard something the other day that stuck with me. A woman said that men lie because they aren't the man they believe themselves to be so they lie, hide the truth, or bend the truth to make themselves seem more than what they actually are. Ladies, gentlemen, what are your thoughts on that? Let it sit and get back to me.

This healing vs. hoe-ing thing is important to distinguish. I don’t find it healthy to heal through someone else. Like if something is fractured in my life, I am not going to lean on someone else to help me get over it, get through it, or forget about it. For instance if I just got out of a relationship, I’m not going to lean on a new man to help me move on. It’s the same if I’m dealing with something heavy in my life, I’m going to give myself time to navigate through it the best way I can.

This doesn't mean you can accept any type of support, we all need some form of it to feel loved and to know we’re not alone, but for me, I won’t depend on support. And some people may say that's a flaw, okay if it is, I accept that, and to be honest with you, even my father doesn't understand why I want to go through things by myself. He’s even said that I shut people out. So hey, Dear Future Lover, this may be a red flag for you. But at least I’m not out here being free-spirited about who has access to me.

But if you are the kind of person who needs that physical comfort or needs someone with you to fulfill whatever is missing or lacking in your life, then do what is best for your health and happiness because some people do need that type of gratification to get through things, I’m just not one of them. Everywhere I lived in my adult years, there may be just one man that people can link back to me romantically. I just don’t move around like that.

I think in a topic a few months ago I mentioned something about a hoe phase, never had one, never wanted to have one, be remember I recently told you guys that I believe loose women don’t get good blessings. And this is not to be religious, it’s a spiritual element too. I’m special, and you should think of yourself that way too. And how special can you continue to be if you give yourself to just anyone. And men really get me with this especially when they get wrapped up in women who aren't even on their playing field all because maybe that woman kept doing things to get his attention or kept feeding his ego or kept making him feel “young”. Fellas….babies, I know you like the attention, I know you like when pretty girls hype you up, I get it, but can you at least deal with a woman with something more than a trail of dope boys, and looking at the floor pictures?

C’mon fellas, especially my mature and dapper gentleman, you know you can do and deserve better than a girl with a loose free-spirited mindset, with questionable direction, and who’s mainly attracted to your appeal for their own self worth. Think about that, you fellas don't see what we see and think we have a problem when we try to tell you about it. Especially my good men out here, you're the standard, don’t link up with someone who lessens your value. I mean if you're going to hoe out, ladies this is for you too, then at least hoe out with people in your spectrum.

Be safe everyone.

Be The Standard

November 16, 2024

“Just because I came from nothing, doesn’t mean I want to go back to it.”

Reader Comment: “The only reason a man should be going below me is to kiss the kitty.”

Reader Comment: “You can’t be a S Class Benz and be worried about a Kia Rio”

“A Fool Isn’t A Fool For Making A Mistake. A Fool Is A Fool For Refusing To Learn.” - Jalen Hurts

We are back with this topic that was influenced by a reader who sent me a message from the last post. I told you I was in a group discussion with mature people talking about various relationship and men and women ideas. We talked about how some people have standards and I mentioned how some people do not understand the concept of standards so they say they don’t have any. And we talked about how a $12 an hour person can still be a great person, but it was also suggested that it’s good to know if that $12 an hour person wants to stay where they’re at or if they want to build on something bigger and that’s how we can distinguish someone’s mindset, are you forever going to be a worker bee? Or do you want to manage and run the beehive one day?

I also mentioned in the last post that I don't like when people look at me and think money simply because I carry myself and certain way or speak with a different vernacular. If you see me and only think money then that was a poor misconception you have. Instead see me and think, that's a woman who takes care of herself or that's a woman who is on her grind and hustles hard. If you don't have that type of critical thinking skills, then yes, you don't have a standard because you're understanding of it is one dimensional. If you can praise someone else for doing good, why are you keeping me out of your praise? Do you not think I deserve to be applauded for my accomplishments? I really don’t understand people who clap at everyone else for living good but will minimize someone else's efforts for living good. It's no different when a man who praises a woman for picking up extra hours at her job, but won't praise another woman who's managing 3 businesses. That’s a man who is focused on the wrong substance. Mature ladies, stay mindful of men like that. They are not in your wheelhouse and they can’t even comprehend what it is you're saying.

I forget what we were talking about and I know this person didn’t mean this as a dig at me, because he was going off of an assumption which I get all the time, but one of the guys in the group conversation that I talked about in the last topic made a comment and said, “Raya doesn’t deal with $12 a hour men.” I mentioned this to one of my guy friends a few days later and he said, “Well you didn’t give 6-figure men a shot either.” And that caught me off guard a little bit because I did not expect him to say that and then he doubled down and said, “You treat all men the same, no matter how much money they make, if they are nice to you, you're nice back, if they are rude, you're rude back, and if they are doing too much, you get annoyed.” And you know what, he is completely correct. But then he followed up with this. He said that men can’t just talk to me any type of way and I asked my friend to explain what he meant by that. He says, "Well a guy can’t just come up to you and say, hey I think you’re really pretty, let me take you to dinner.” Then my friend said, “A guy has to peak your interest by peaking your mind in a way that’s different from other men.” Prior to him saying all this, I was telling my friend that I get all types of men that approach me, but I do notice that more suited men approach me, like men who are older, who are well established, and have more experience in life. But again, I don’t give anyone a chance, not the $12 a hour man nor the million dollar man. And as my friend was saying all this to me, I just kept thinking - Damn, my friends do pay attention to me!

There was a case not too long ago where a man offered to get me VIP seats to a sports game, I would have been sitting in a box with some big names. I’m not dating this man, I’m not interested in this man, nor am I even good friends with this man, so I declined. No. 1, I know he’s interested in me. No. 2, I don’t want to be the type of woman who just rides the wave to see how far I can go. And No. 3, I don’t want to play games with people or feel like I owe this man something. If we were good friends, that’s one thing because friends do for each other all the time, like what you do for me over here, I got you over there. There’s continuity with friendships.

Speaking of friendships. There is one that I recently reassessed. I have a friend who I met when I first relocated, I actually met him through a social group that had planned events for people around town. I only ever hang out with this friend maybe once a year and usually we grab lunch or drinks just to catch up. The last time we caught up he was saying things that really began to annoy me. He was saying how he had a crush on my when we first met, I wasn't bothered by that comment because even a different guy friend one time said to me, “Raya, I’ll never get at you because of my boy, but I’m still a man and I got eyes.” So I know men look at me like that, but when this guy started to say I had a thing for him too, that's when I started to give him the side eye. He’s not a bad looking guy, but I was never interested in him and when I joined the social group I only joined to meet new people because I was new in town. I didn’t join to find dates. But he kept saying things like that and was too confident about it, like dude you're cool but I’m not looking at you like that and never did. Like there’s things about him that don't compliment my demeanor and don't really align with my personality which isn't a bad thing, it’s just not my interest. I don’t know what grown man who talks about being on TikTok or talks about wanting to be a social media content creator. Like if you're on there for entertainment or promoting a business, cool, but if you're trying to make it part of your livelihood, hmmm, that's not for me. I don’t need to showcase what I’m doing or how I’m living. I don’t have TikTok and my personal Instagram page is private and I don’t share much on there anyway. But that's not what really made me reassess my friendship with this man...

About 4-5 years ago, something occured and I wasn't accessible for a few days. One of my friends got worried and reached out to our mutual friends to try to reached me and when they couldn't get a hold of me they reached out to people they thought may know what was going on. And this guy was one of the people they reached out to and of course they didn't know that I’m not that close to this guy, but they were just worried. Anyway ever since that happened, the guy brings it up every time we hang out. This last time I told him to stop bringing it up because I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about it from my side. Also, he doesn't know the full back story so he really speaking on something he knows nothing about. I was irritated at this point. Like you don't know the people that reached out to you, you don’t know what they were thinking, you don’t know what their intention was, so stop bringing it up. Even after I said that, he kept trying to sneak it in and eventually he tried to back peddle and started giving me compliments, it was already to late, I was already beyond annoyed. His friendship has not made much of an impact on my life that I need to keep it going how it’s been going. We were never close. My other friend was right, you can’t just say anything to me especially if you’ve not really imprinted on me. I won’t be rude to this guy, but we’re not hanging out anymore unless other people I know will be hanging out with us.

Plus, many of you already know, I’m not a loose woman. I may be outside every now and then, and I may be nice but there’s limits to it and if you see that I’m getting bothered by something, then you need to stop. I may show some thigh, I may wear a low cut shirt, or I may show a little stomach. Just because I show it, doesn’t mean it’s for you and definitely doesn’t mean I’m giving it to anyone. I’m just comfortable with my body and know how to style my clothes to compliment my shape.

Back to the conversation with my friend, I was talking to my him about that topic of standards, and he said something else that really caught my mind. Real quick, my friend is in his fifties, he’s had a fulfilled life so far, understand that how you want to. He said, “We’ve grown past the point of accepting or dealing with just anything so we do have standards, otherwise anyone and everyone can have at us.” That makes so much sense because do you have that type of time on your hands? Baby, I sure don't.

I made a joke in the last post saying how my previous lovers went below standard after me, they just get in anyone’s bed - I’m not going to start any trouble, but maybe those mfers need to know, I’m still everything they loved and even better now - you see this yellow dress I got on? They all know I can I can shut it down, because one thing I will always wear well is CONFIDENCE even if I’m wearing sweatpants. And I don’t have to be loud about it, I’m very demure and quiet when I’m in a group of people, because what’s known doesn’t have to be spoken and other people usually speak it for me anyway. But with silliness aside, when I was with them and when I loved them, they met a certain standard for me at that particular juncture in my life because each of them were different so the standard wasn’t the same for all of them. What I wanted or needed from one lover at a particular time in my life was not the same as what I wanted and needed from another lover at a different time in my life. What I needed from my marriage wasn’t the same as what I needed from my lover who live in another state. Even now, what I wanted and needed 5 years ago isn’t the same today. I did say that I’m open to more things now, but I still want to be loved and protected and appreciated, although how I receive that love, protection, and appreciation doesn’t have the same ask as it did 5-10 years ago. And for me to get that, I have to set a standard for it.

I think some people think of standards as the bar being at a certain level and you have to reach that level. No it’s not that simple, it's deeper than that. The standard is what you are able to accept into your life and to what degree do you accept it. For example, I can accept a $12 an hour man, but I cannot accept if that’s where he wants to stay, because baby I want you to grow. I want you to create and build something that you can pass on to other people and help them grow. I don’t want you just to be an employee, I want you to guide employees and help them better develop their skills and their value. But if you don’t want any of that, it’s okay, we aren't a good match. Because I’ve done well, I want to help others do well too. I don’t want to gate keep success, hear that again, Don’t gate keep success. We can all eat. I want to help you create your blueprint - if that’s what you want. If not, that’s fine, everyone’s ambitions are not the same.

In this matter, I am the standard of growth and you can grow at your own pace, but I still want you to grow and do things that contribute to your growth. Don’t look at me and think, I’m all about people with money, no I’m all about people who are hungry, but let’s not get it twisted, just because you’re hungry, doesn’t mean I’m going to be interested in you romantically, because remember, I don’t even give million dollar men a chance. And my friend said it - A man has to peak my mind in a way another man hasn’t. So I am not out here being sloppy with anyone, because…Baby, I am the standard. And to my previous lovers…uhmmm, again you see that yellow dress, none of your biches know how to pull that off. I’m still the greatest baby...jk. Let me stop before someone catches wind to this and gets in their feeling about it. It’s all love here. But seriously, let me stop playing on here, I don’t know what any of them got going on or what type of girls are on their roster, as long as they aren't letting any broad stress them out, well fellas if you're going to let a woman stress you out at least let it be a woman who's about something. You gonna be a million dollar man and let a $12 a hour broad stress you out? Listen, I used to be a $12 an hour broad. I was that girl. I haven't seen $12 a hour since I was 19/20 because I knew that's not all I wanted, so I made sure to raise my own bar and achieve more. What are we saying now… I am the standard. Remember fellas, you too are the standard. So make sure you are not out here looking and acting shameful with whoever just because she has a pretty face and feed you compliments all the time, don’t be dense. Be mature about it.

Be safe everyone.

Shameful

November 12, 2024

“Be ashamed if you think you’ve not done anything shameful.”

READER COMMENTS:

"If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" -

"Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." -

"Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." -

"A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." -

"I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." -

"A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." -

"I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." -

"I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." -

"Be my rider. Don't be my headache." -

"If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." -

"Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

READER COMMENTS: "If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" - "Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." - "Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." - "A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." - "I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." - "A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." - "I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." - "I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." - "Be my rider. Don't be my headache." - "If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." - "Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

I gave you an intro in the previous topic about a young lady who starting seeing a guy, but her friends don’t like him because of his shameful things that he’s done or said. And I told her, “Look, if you like the guy and you are having fun, just keep hanging out with him.” Here’s the thing, we are going to go through different types of relationships. We are going to learn a lot from them even the ones that weren’t the best for us. We can’t grow if we don’t continue to navigate new things. And you are going to do shameful things and make shameful decisions that you are going to defend in that moment, but when you move on from that moment, you are going to have this new perception of yourself.

I am not ashamed to admit my shortcomings and I will be the first to say what I need to work on. Hindsight is 20/20, and trust me I’m not saying that the men I’ve previously dealt with have been perfect, but only they can to want to work on their flaws, I can mention it, but they have to want to work on it. And I think I’ve told you that the next man I get involved with in any capacity whether it’s a serious lover or a cuddle buddy, I am going to tell him what my flaws are. I’m going to tell him, “Hey, sometimes I’m not great at expressing myself or letting you know I miss you or that I want your company. And sometimes I may say something that might come off rude, but if you want this with me,then be patient and help me with it.” I want someone who isn’t going to throw in the towel when things get a little uncomfortable. Let’s created a fabric that keeps us willing to develop better ways of communicating with one another. Right now these kinds of relationships have to be of value to me and have to me meaningful to me even if it’s just temporary fun.

And I am going to address this because many of you keep making these suggestions. Say if a previous lover came back into my life, of course there may have been some things that were both hurt by, but I am at that mindset to just let that go and not revert back to the same things that did not work. Let’s not cause each other triggers or any new long-term pain. Let’s start fresh. And I’m not going to lie to you, I am well aware that a lot of men find me attractive. But if I am with someone whether he’s a lover, cuddle buddy or whatever, I’m not going to lean into the compliments other men give me. Even if the man I am sleeping with is sitting next to me and no one knows about is, because again, I don’t like to display my intimate relationships to people. If you know you know, but I’m not going to purposefully showcase it. But what you may see is me engaging more with the man sitting next to me than any other man and giving him special treatment. And people may see that as us being good friends or they may see it as us possibly together in some capacity. Either way, the one that I am sleeping with, I want him to know I want him, not these other men who are trying to take me out, no, I want the man who you may or may not know is my man. And I’m using the “My Man” term loosely, because you know that’s not a term that’s in my normal vernacular. Also, in return, I want to feel wanted too. Give me more attention when were are hanging out somewhere and give me special treatment. Let me know when you miss me and want to see me. Even if we are not going home together at the end of the night, make me feel that I’m the one who’s on your mind.

But let’s lets get back to the shameful things. We have to be aware when we are doing something shameful or making shameful decisions. Especially when we are in mentally inappropriate relationships. Here’s another tidbit from my PhD friend’s research; a five year olds mind isn’t the same as a fifteen year old’s mind. The same goes for a twenty-five year old’s mind isn’t the same as forty-five year old’s mind. You may like some of the same things, but the way our minds process information at different stages in life are not the same. Even if that twenty-five year old is making a half million dollars a year, what that person’s mind is capable of doing isn’t the same as what a forty-five year old mind is capable of doing. Don’t let lust cloud that judgment to where you are defending an age inappropriate relationship because you both like the same reality shows. - I’m being facetious with that example, but you get it. And my friend says a man who doesn’t get it has a complexity issue with his own age and identity and he will keep rationalizing his choices no matter how it makes him look. Sidebar: the President elect has that same issue on many levels.

The other day I was having a conversation with a mature group of people and the topic was about men and women and their preferences and roles in relationships. One of the highlights that came from the conversation was a woman being feminine and letting a man be a man. I am not sure if I share all of this or just pieces because I more listened than speak because I like hearing other views, but I said that I believe when women become very independent, we tend to emasculate men without even realizing it because we are so used to doing everything ourselves, we are not open to allowing a man do something for us. I will admit, I am guilty of this. Independent women have created their own securities, sometimes so much that when a man wants to share some of his securities with her, she doesn’t welcome it. And the result of that is the man not feeling wanted or needed so he doesn’t feel valued. There was an example the group used about changing tires and cooking. Even if a man cannot change a tire, he should be able delegate that task to someone who does. Same with a woman, if she doesn’t know how to cook, she can order take out. The end result is, the tired is changed and there is a hot meal on the table. But men and when have to share their securities with each other to get to that result and part of that is talking about where they fall short and where they can step in and come up with solutions to make our lives easier. This is also an area I need to work on. Even with my previous lover, we didn’t have the type of relationship where we did those things. But did we need to have that type of relationship? I don’t know because our dynamic was a little unconventional and it was more about spending time and having fun together as opposed to doing things for each other, but I’m not going to get into that and I’m not going to say which lover it was, but I’ve only ever mentioned three so go ahead with your process of elimination.

And when I talk about “weight class” I am not talking about your salary. I am talking about where your mind is at in life. The value of money came up as well in a conversation. The discussion was about how it doesn’t matter what you are earning, it matters how you are making your partner feel and how you are treating your partner. My weight class is someone who can understand or empathize what I go through as a parent, as someone who has responsibility to my family, as a career oriented person, and as someone who doesn’t just do the bare minimum. I’m older, so there are things I picked up along the way that a twenty-one year person cannot fully comprehend. I need the comprehension to be aligned. Money has nothing to do with it and money cannot buy comprehension. But there was something that the only other woman in the group beside myself said in the group conversation that I fully agree with. Some point of the conversation the example of cutting grass was used and the woman said she doesn’t mind if her partner cuts grass for a living, but she’s going to want to know if he’s content with doing that or if he wants to do something more with it? Do you want to keep working for someone else? Do you want to have your own lawncare business? Or is this temporary until something else comes along? And I don’t think I applauded her for saying it and I loved that she said it, because that is a very mature mindset and that let me know that she is an elevated women who wants to build something with a man. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the bottom, but is that where you want to stay? If I’m at level three and you are a level one, I don’t mind if you are working to get to level three, but I will mind if you want to stay at level one. It’s a different mentality.

Fellas, what about you, are you okay with a women staying at level one? Like you’ve been dating her for several years and she’s still at the same place in life as when you met her. Are you good with that? I think this question was phrased to the group slightly differently and someone said he didn’t mind if his woman was unemployed as long as she was taking care of the household and his needs. And if that’s okay with him and his woman, that’s their relationship. But let’s not forget there’s different types of men and women. I am a woman who likes to have more purpose that just my man, some men don’t like that, that’s fine, no hurt, no shame, that’s not the man for me.

And I think someone mentioned standards. There’s a standard to everything. Like why are you driving a luxury car instead of a economy car? Because you have a standard, right? And it’s okay to have standards, don’t shame people for them because a lot of times we developed our standards due to previous experiences. Like maybe you prefer navigation and leather seats and tvs in your car, so that is your standard when car buying. And to go back to the money topic, I don’t care how much money you make, but don’t shame me for doing well and spending my money how I want to spend it. Don’t make me feel bad for maintaining myself especially when I am not asking anyone to do it for me. When men criticize women like that, it shows their own insecurity. I don’t like sharing how much I earn or what I have, even when people ask me what I do for a living, I just say HR and I really don’t go into details about it because it is a vast field and people have different ideas of what HR does, so I just let them think what they think. At the very least, you know I’m a professional with years of experience. You don’t need to know what my checks look like. Just like I don’t need to know what your checks looks like. The only thing I need to know is if you want me as much as I want you and if we are open to understanding each other and if we can communicate through our flaws and help each other be better.

You probably thought this topic was going to be about the shameful things men do to piss women off, and yes, men are good at doing that, but what’s love without some challenges, and what’s love if it doesn’t teach us a few things? The shameful thing is not taking the risk. The shameful thing is avoiding our flaws. The shameful thing is not being open to other point of views. The shameful thing is not being clear about what we want and misrepresenting ourselves. The shameful thing is not learning how to love people and ourselves better. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.

Easy?

November 7, 2024

“When you take the easy way, you end up taking a longer route. - Read that again.”

Recently, several of my friends have been inquiring about my love life, asking me if I’m currently seeing anyone, what exactly I want in a relationship, and why being single has become my preference. One of my guy friends actually mentioned that I keep running, and I took a moment to reflect on it, I began to think that he might partially be right. I find myself caught in the middle of wanting something easy and enjoyable, while also wanting a more complicated challenge at the same time, but let me be clear about this: I do not want the type of challenge that keeps secrets from me, or the kind that gaslights me when I ask questions, and I certainly don’t want anything that makes me feel foolish or leaves a hole in my heart. I want a challenge that is genuine and fulfilling and makes me want to be the best partner for him.

I was telling another friend that I developed this paradigm that loose women don’t get good blessings. Which is why I’m not out here just giving my goods to anyone. And I would not entirely agree that I am running, but I am very cautious and intune with what may fulfill me and what may stress me. I know I mentioned in a previous topic that I am not normal, so my relationships can’t be normal either. Normal won’t keep me happy, normal won’t surprise me. And I also mention that someone suggested a cuddle buddy, which I am not opposed to, but again, I will need some upfront understanding of what I will and will not accept. And I am open to hearing his boundaries too. I don’t know where the line is if you don’t tell me. Also, my other criteria is that my lover has to be in my weight class or above it. I know I made this reference before and I account it for men too.

When you deal with someone in your weight class and you are transparent with what you want, there’s less issues because you are on similar wavelengths. Someone below your weight class is going to want more of you or more that what you are willing to give. They may be subtle about it at first, but eventually their need for you perpetuates beyond what you’re comfortable with. *But I need to mention that you may have this problem with anyone if you are not clear with your boundaries, even someone in your weight class can be an issue if you do not communicate effectively.

It’s very similar to the 80/20 rule. I’ve not highlighted this in a long time, but lets give it its own space. You’ve got someone who gives you 80%, but with people, especially with men they run after the 20% because it’s new, it’s fresh, it’s exciting. But that 20% isn’t fulfilling you like the 80% does and men tend to be the main ones who try to defend that 20% decision. No baby, its making you foolish and you can’t even see it. But if you need that 20% don’t showcase it like it’s 100%. This may go over some of your heads. - Don’t be mad a me, be mad at yourself for wanting to keep that clown nose on.

But what does this 80/20 rule mean for someone like me who has a lot of other things to focus on than a relationship? I’m lover girl true and true. I want to love on people and I love loving on someone and I have mentioned that I need to work on how I express my affections, but I do like having companionship. I like being able to have a conversation with someone and they give me feedback that’s articulate and insightful. I like spending time with someone who makes me laugh and makes me feel seen and appreciated. But with a romantic connection, I want the person to know and feel that I care, but I also want them to know that I have a few goals right now that I am working on and that I am not always going to be accessible or be the best company when I’m in my zone.

If we are spending time together, I am going to give you my 100%, but you cannot expect that all day everyday from me. I just can’t do it. And I cannot have someone who needs that much of me all the time. But when I’m in front of you and we are putting other things aside for the moment, then I am loving all of you. And if I cook for you, oh I really love you. Food is one of my ways I express gratitude. Even if you are just my friend, if I make you something from my kitchen, then you have a place in my heart. So I really don’t know what perspective this is in regards to the 80/20 rule, I just know if you take time to invest in me or someone like me then you are going to have a great return. And if anyone knows anything about investing and the stock market, you know it’s full of highs and lows, but if the goal is to get to know me, be in my life, and experience things with me, then you are going to continue to take your time with me.

I’m not easy, people like me are not easy. I have opinions, I have ambitions, I work hard, I’m smart, but I also have a sensitive heart because people like me have become so independent due to being disappointed by people we thought we could trust. So when I say you have to take your time, I really need you to think on that. And yes, it may seem like we’re running, we just can never tell who’s really by us or who is just using us for their own convenience and thrills.

Be safe everyone.

Professional vs. Reality

October 30, 2024

"If you are work in the service industry and treat other service industry people badly, you are the worst type of person."

"If you only order Tito's at a cocktail bar, you're on that wyte people shit."

"You can't have class and be rude to people who are serving you."

"My job doesn't offer a 401K, but I opened an IRA because I'm not a basic bitch."

"People, if you got dental insurance, please get your mouth fixed!"

"Nothing worse than people who treat service people wrong."

"You can't do baldheaded hoodrat shit and expect people to look at you with class."

"If you know you out of your element, go somewhere else and stick to what you do know."

"People who go out and order just Tito's go to ATL and Miami and think that's being cultured. Girl bye!"

"People who order Tito's are the same people who order Casamigos and think they ballin. Lames."

"If you got a good gig, you should know how to act."

"It's always a bum working at the bottom who try to treat people like they are the bottom."

"If you are work in the service industry and treat other service industry people badly, you are the worst type of person." - "If you only order Tito's at a cocktail bar, you're on that wyte people shit." - "You can't have class and be rude to people who are serving you." - "My job doesn't offer a 401K, but I opened an IRA because I'm not a basic bitch." - "People, if you got dental insurance, please get your mouth fixed!" - "Nothing worse than people who treat service people wrong." - "You can't do baldheaded hoodrat shit and expect people to look at you with class." - "If you know you out of your element, go somewhere else and stick to what you do know." - "People who go out and order just Tito's go to ATL and Miami and think that's being cultured. Girl bye!" - "People who order Tito's are the same people who order Casamigos and think they ballin. Lames." - "If you got a good gig, you should know how to act." - "It's always a bum working at the bottom who try to treat people like they are the bottom." -

“Some People Think They Are Professional… Until The Pressure Gets High.”

Do we all have medical insurance and retirement accounts here? 401ks and IRAs? If you do, I hope you are proud of yourself and feel blessed, because there’s people who have certain jobs and cannot afford to have those things or do not have the means to attain those things. Having insurance and money aside puts you in a different class in life…but that doesn’t mean you always have class. You guys have a hint on where I'm going with this topic?

I told you I have a group of bar friends, yes? Some own bars, some are managers, some are bartenders, and some are servers. Most of them are student working through their undergrad or in graduate school to they work for some extra cash. I speak with them pretty frequently and they've gotten very comfortable with me to where they’ll confide in me about various things like their personal lives, work advice, and the things that they experience in the bar scene like people who are drunk and get out of line, but what really gets me is when they tell me about sober people who act a certain way towards them.

First let me say, I love my bar friends, they're good to me and they look out for me so when I hear about people mistreating them or giving them a hard time, that bothers me. So some of them were telling me about a person who comes in from time to time and orders Tito's vodka and salt. Now, first of all, this is a cocktail bar not a dive bar, order a crafted cocktail, that's what the bar is known for. That’s the first thing the bar friends pointed out and said that person is really out of their element. The next thing they mentioned was how the person speaks to the staff which isn't friendly or pleasant and that’s the most classless way to be. Like don’t be dismissive of people in the service industry, you are a horrible human being if you're like this. I don’t know who this person is, the bar friends didn't give me identifying details, but they don’t care for the person at all, and being as good as they are with customer service tactics they still do their best to accommodate this individual and I applaud them for that.

Professionalism isn't just for corporate America or people with office jobs. Professionalism is a part of all of our realities. And with class, you either got it or you don’t no matter who you are or what you do for a living. The bar friends told me about another person they they are no deeming and not a good person. Again they did not give me any identifying details, they just said that this particular individual seemed like a good and honorable person and they liked severing this individual. So, I don’t know what happened, but something occured the last time that person came to the bar to where the staff now will not interact with the person like how they used to. I don’t know if this person did something disrespectful or said something rude to one of the staff or displayed themself in a poor manner, I don’t know and I did not ask for any details that wasn’t volunteer to me. All I know is, the moment you step outside of your home, you are a representation of yourself, and not only what you believe yourself to be, but also who you want others to perceive you. And although many times professionalism relates to working environments, it also relates to how you conduct yourself outside of those environments. I talk about values all the time like what they are and how often to stick to them, but you should also consider your integrity and ethics. Are you maintaining good integrity and ethics and would people say that about you?

A few months ago, there was a judge in Georgia who was arrest outside of a nightclub for her conduct against police officers. At first people were giving their input stating that when you work in certain professions, you still need to carry yourself a certain way. But as more information came out, it was shared that the judge had been under review by the ethics committee due to some of her questionable case rulings. This brings about another point towards integrity and professionalism. No matter what you do for a living, you still have to abide by the expectation of your job duties, this may require more education or hands on training.

Let’s say for example, you work in the restaurant industry. And if someone you don’t like comes in and sits in your section, you as a “Professional” still need to display good customer service and not do anything to ruin their experience at the restaurant especially if that job is part of your livelihood. But if you are willing to risk it, then you may need to rethink your life choices. I have friends in the restaurant business to, it’s all still part of the service industry, and again they are owners, managers, or part of the staff and they share their horror stories of not only bad customers, but bad workers too who just really have not grasped the idea of being professional and knowledgeable of the expectations on and off the clock. You have to understand, even when you are not working, what you do can affect your job or career.

I’ve mentioned plenty of times that I’m not saint and nothing I’ve done is always perfect. So don’t think that I’m sitting on my pedal stool telling you how you should act. There’s been several times I’ve acted out of character, and you know what? The people who know me know that if and when I act out it was because I stayed dormant and held something in for too long. That doesn’t justify or excuse anything, but my loved ones know I maintain a certain demeanor and when I step outside that demeanor, they know something is wrong. Although, I am cognizant enough to know where to draw the line before it impacts my livelihood and if I’m not cognizant, then I’m around people who are cognizant because my circle of friends all have stable jobs or careers and have a lot to lose, so we will look out for each other.

Overall, no we should not be hindered or influenced by what people say or think of us. And I cannot speak for any of you, but I’d rather have people think and say good things about me which means, I need to showcase my better qualities to the world. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.

Hidden

October 20, 2024

“I’m Thinking Of You, I Know You’re Thinking Of Me Too.”

Do you remember a few topics ago where one of you sent a message talking about checking up on an ex or someone you used to be involved with? This topic is going to be in relation to that. There are so many ways to check in on people these days without directly contacting them, but there is a fallacy to that. When you don’t directly speak to the person, you don’t really know if what you are seeing or hearing is accurate. I tell you guys all the time, what you see on here or any of my other platforms does not 100% reflect the actual details of my life.

I don’t think I have anyone who's checking on me through any of my platforms or through any other sources. I’ve really not been surprised by anyone in a long time, and that would surprise me if anyone is going out of their way to see what I’m doing, well aside from the petty people who want to find something nasty to say about me, other than that, these days there’s not too much that people do that really makes me lose my words.

Is there someone you guys keep tabs on? It can be something simple like checking to see what they are doing with themselves since you last spoke with them or if they’ve gotten married, divorced, moved, or some type of major life change. I don’t think it’s odd if you do that every now and then, BUT if you are constantly or routinely checking in on someone, maybe you just need to reach out to them. Why stay hidden? That person could be wondering about you to. You’ll never know unless you take that chance. Just like with one of the readers, JK, she ran into an ex, agreed to have lunch with him, they caught up on each other’s lives and now they are trying to rekindle a new romance. There’s nothing wrong with re-loving someone you used to love. Does that make sense? If there is someone who crosses your mind more than once a week, just call them. What is the hesitation? What are you afraid of? The only fear you should have is the fear of not knowing what could happen. Communication can settle many things, just be honest and transparent with your intentions.

Just like how I mentioned in the last topic, whoever I get involved with, I am going to lay it all out for him, what I will and won’t accept, what my limits and boundaries are, and what my main priorities are. I am no longer going to hide my feelings about something especially if it’s negatively impacting me. And I’d want him to share the same things with me, let me know what you have going on so I know your limitations and let’s figure out how to be cohesive together.

And even though I am saying all this, I’m still not going to approach a man with my interest towards him, he still has to break the ice on that. I am a firm believer that a man is the leader, he’s the one that takes charge. I like a sure man, and a sure man is going to let me know if he likes me and wants to see more of me and that’s when I decide if I want him too. I also like a confident man; I’m a confident woman. I like a man who is of good echelon, who believes in acts of service and being gracious to people and the community and who also understands the importance of having good character, but how will I know any of this if a man isn’t going to speak up and let me know I’m on his mind? And even if I don’t feel the same about him, a confident man won’t let it bruise his ego and feel some type of way against me, he’ll still be a good person about it and just step away without any resentment.

…..

Audio Suggested: I started watching Scandal, I know I’m very late to this. I’m only on the second season. I’ll admit it’s well written. The one thing that I’m really intrigued by is Olivia Pope’s dynamic with the President. Yes, they have a salacious affair, but it’s very clear that they care about each other even when they aren't getting along. There’s scenes where they are arguing, just picking at each other, but at the end of it they give into each other because they want to look out for each other and they have this pent up frustration because they can't be with each other like a normal couple.

Both of them have done things to hurt each other, but they can’t seem to let each other go. And it’s not only because they care for one another, but it’s also because they are in the same environment and and have the same circles. So in one way or another they are going to interact. It’s not like they are volunteering to go somewhere knowing they will see each other. Both their lives and the people they know overlap so it’s by default that they are indirectly and directly in each other’s lives. Both characters are attractive, powerful, and highly intelligent. They can choose to be involved with anyone, but for whatever reason they still fall back to each other. It's not like the main character in the Reasonable Doubt show where Jax fooled with men below her weight class. — Like girl, you are a high profile lawyer and you're sleeping with these type of men?

Fellas, it’s the same for you too. If you are in a certain tax bracket or make a certain salary with a nice investment portfolio, and a mortgage or even children in high school or college, you’ve got an honorable circle of friends, you yourself is very smart and have taken yourself through a lot of difficult life challenges, and you’ve climbed the blue or white collar ladder, then don’t link yourself with someone who chasing minimum wage and not even on a management track or in some type of program to improve their skills set or their paycheck. Let them figure out their lives, you can check back with them in a few years and if they're still in the same place, keep moving. Those type of people are just for the moment and nothing more because they are never going to be able to keep up with you until they step up and until then you’ll end up being their source of dependency. Know your worth ladies and gentlemen.

Olivia Pope knew her worth. Granted she got herself is some mess and I may be speaking too soon because again, I’m just starting season two. But so far, she seems to get involved with men who are within the same echelon as herself. And yes, there's drama, but where there's love there's drama.

But what I love about Olivia's character and also triggered by it is that she still protects her lover even during the times when he doesn't protect her and during times she's not sleeping with him. And those of you who watched the show will probably say, “Well, that's her job.” And you're not wrong, and this is why the writing is good. She exercises extreme discretion about her relationship with the lover, so far in the show she has not told anyone she was sleeping with him, but a few people did know because they found out other way, but even then, she doesn’t go into the details about her relationship, and I applaud that. There are times where you see her struggling with her emotions between the man she loves vs. what she should be doing for herself and her career. She even tries to distract herself by getting involved with other men and you still see her protect what she had with the lover. You see her sacrifice her feelings and make heartbreaking decisions just to continue to protect the man she cares about and to keep herself at bay. That resonated with me.

How relatable is this too any of you ladies? I don’t know how many times I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden just to protect the image of a man or protect the sanctity of what I shared with a man, while he was doing whatever he wanted and not realizing how he himself was subsequently damaging his own image, but yet I still did and said things to protect him. How many of you ladies have experienced this? It’s because when you love, you love too much and sometimes people don't know what to do with that. In my case, I was never great at telling a man I cared a lot for him. I would just get upset when I felt he didn't notice how much I was investing into him and of course that was always misinterpreted; that's something I need to be aware of and work on with whoever I decide to get involved with next.

Okay, we've derailed too much. Back to the original thought. If someone is constantly on your mind and if you keep checking on them indirectly, just go talk to them. Especially if you're a man, take the lead and tell that woman you still care about her, even if all you do is just stay friends. At least let her know you're in her corner and part of her support circle. I can’t speak for everyone, but hearing something like that would mean so much to me.

Be safe everyone.

Reality Damage

October 10, 2024

“I Don’t Need Someone Perfect. I Just Want Someone Who Tries.”

You know what I noticed? And I’ve realized that I am doing it more and more now. I talk to my guy friends like they are my boyfriends or lovers. I call them baby, sweetheart. Sometimes I tell them I love them. I compliment them, I give them praises, I hug on them, and always show my excitement and happiness when I see them. Is this odd? If there was someone just watching or listening to how I interact with my fellas, they would think I am in a relationship and fully in love with my guy friends. Though the reality is, I do love them. I admire them, and I am so taken by them.

This past weekend my laptop crashed and I panicked. I called up one of my fellas and sent him a picture of my laptop and asked him what to do. He reassured me that everything was okay and to just wait for it to reboot. When my laptop finally restored itself, I frantically looked through my files to make sure all my research work was still there and I came across an old folder with pictures of times I’ve shared with my guys. Tell my why I instantly started getting emotional! - Here’s the thing with me, I don’t take myself too seriously that I hide my love or grace for people.

After looking through those photos, I reached out to a few of the fellas and just poured so much love on to them. And they poured it right back to me which made me get even more emotional! They are my babies, even though they are fully grown men and all of them older than me, they’re mine. Once those friendships were made and the connections strengthened over the years, yeah, they are mine. I will support and defend them always.

But the thing that I wonder is, have my friendships with them damaged my potential relationship with possible lovers? Because I am not one to bring someone new into my life and then push my friends to the side or treat them differently. And some people do that without even realizing they do it. I am a fully self-sufficient adult, things have already been built or they are already in motion, plus I’m not a foolish man whose trying to relive his glory days, so there is no one that I will let come into my life and affect the relationships I’ve already have with people. Maybe some of you allow that to happen, but I don’t. And if I feel someone is trying to deter me from my friendships, then they’re ties with me are not going to be very strong and I definitely won’t have them around my friends.

So yeah, I guess it is affecting any possible romantic interests, but I’m not sad or bothered by it. You already know, I’m a very confident woman and never had major issues with my self-esteem, so I have no issues with being single. As a matter of fact one of me crazy-ass guy friends suggest I just get a cuddle buddy. Where I call him when I need attention and he calls me when he needs attention and we just come together for that moment, then go about our day. In theory this sounds good, but in practice is it realistic? And my friend told me no one needs to know about it and that me and whoever can look like simple friends in public, but in private we give each other what we both need. - Also, I didn’t say this to my friend, but I felt like he was alluding to someone in particular, but I didn’t take the bait, because again, is this realistic? I’m going to be honest, if I’m sleeping with someone in private, I don’t want to see him out in public and there’s a woman all over him. I don’t want to sleep with a hoe or a man who doesn’t show discipline. Like if I’m not hanging on you and I’m the one sleeping with you, no other woman should either. - Am I wrong for this?

But, I have to refer back to how I am with my guy friends and how I am very affectionate towards them, of course I’m not kissing on them or lusting on them (like there’s one who looks like my previous lover and I’m affection towards him, but I’m not in his face), yet sometimes it can look like I’m fooling with my guy friends because of the endearment I show them and the endearment they show me. You know what, I think now when people ask me why I’m single, I’m not going to give them the whole speech of how I’ve been able to doing things on my own, I’m just going to tell them, “It’s because I won’t let go of my fellas.” And I know that will bother a lot of men, but hey I’m honest about it, right? I’m letting you know where I draw the line. And if drawing that line is an issue for someone, then let it be an issue for them, because I’m not damaging my friendships for anyone. Most of you already know, I am not a traditional relationship woman. If it’s not feasible or practical, than I’m not going to be interested very long, no matter how good of a man you may seem to be - because baby, we all have our flaws, I’m just telling you mine from the beginning. There several things that take precedence before a romantic relationship and here’s the list:

Family
Self
Career/Business/School
Valued Friendships
Lovers (hey, at least a man is in the top 5)

But this is my list and my reality, it is damaged? Have I allowed to be damaged? My answer to both of those is No. This is just what works for me. This is how I’ve been able to do what I’ve been able to do. Yes, relationships are important, but I’m going to put the relationship I have with my family, myself, my money, and my friendships first. So maybe I should take my friend’s advice and just have someone to cuddle with when I need it, but yet how is that so different from having a lover? Because either way, he’ll need to accept the he’s not on top of my list. Well… he could count as #2 since that can be a form of selfcare. What do you all think about this?

Be safe everyone.

None of Your Friends Business

October 5, 2024

Do any of you remember the Genuwine song called, “None of your friends business” ? The song talks about not sharing the details of your relationship to other people because it’s not their business. And I agree with this…

When you share information about your partner or your personal relationships to your friends, you are giving them permissions to be part of your relationship and allow them to have opinions or give input towards it. Now, I do agree that you should have a safe space to talk about certain things with certain people, but I still do not believe you should be mentioning too much about your relationship to other people even if it’s not bad information. For instance, if I’m involved with someone, my conversations with other people will not be mainly about what’s going on in my relationship. Women are more common in doing this, they like to talk to their friends about the men in their lives, how things are going and what’s been happening. I was never really one to do that with any of my relationships. I just always felt if there were any issues, it was between me and my partner to work through. Too much outside interference can cause unnecessary problems. Even with my friends who want to vent to me about their relationships, I always give them the disclaimer that they do not have to share too much with me, but also with anything they do share, I try to look at both sides and remain a neutral party, even if I do not personally know their partner.

Sometimes when you discuss your relationship woes with people, they develop their own opinions not just about your partner, but about you too. And depending on what opinions they have, they may tend to say things negatively about you, your partner, or your relationship. Ladies, have you ever mentioned something to your girlfriends about your husband/boyfriend and then later they start treating him differently or say negative things about him? It’s natural to vent about your problems, but be mindful about what you share and how much you share AND who you share it with.

Here’s a relative example: One of my friends told me, a few other friends and people she works with about someone she met and was starting to like. We were all supportive, but then the guy she liked did something that really hurt her and she told everyone what happened. Naturally a lot of the people started developing negative thoughts about the guy, mainly because everyone wanted to be supportive of the her. She ended distancing herself from the guy for a few weeks, but recently, the she let me know that she hung out with the guy again and she did not want to tell anyone about it because she was afraid of the backlash and the judgement she would receive. I asked her if she had a good time and she said that she actually feels better that now they were able to talk freely and can be friends and move past the hurtful issue and they are now building a platonic friendship. I applauded her and told her that I was happy for her and proud of her for wanting to let go and accept good feelings for the situation. So even though she was not in a relationship with the person feelings are still feelings. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and surprise us. She did end up telling a few other people that she’s friends with the guy again and unfortunately, she did not get the same affections that she got from me. She kind of got chastised and scolded and pretty much got told that she was going to get hurt again. Mind you, no of us really know this other guy other that what we’ve been told. To be fair, I do think that guy made a bad decision that hurt someone I care about, but I do not think they are a bad person. So with this scenario, you see how sharing too much information can put you in a compromising headspace with people?

For me, if I am sharing anything about someone I am with or someone I like, at the most, I’ll just let people know that I am with someone or getting to know someone. I may share qualities about him that attracted me to him or caught my attention, but I do not go into detail about everything I know or do know how about him. Yes, I’ll tell you if I have someone special in my life, but I’m not going to tell you much about him or what we do in our personal time together. Most of my married friends share the same sentiment. I know of their spouses and maybe have met their spouses, but I do not know much details of what occurs in their marriage. It’s their marriage. Just like it’s your relationship, so you manage it how you see fit and how it works best for the two of you. Yes, you should have a safe space to talk to someone about any issues you might have in your relationship, but that person shouldn't make you feel bad or wrong with whatever you want to do and should be more of a sounding board and a sensible voice rather than telling you what to do.

Be safe everyone.

Reader Question: JK

October 2, 2024

“Stay Open To A Good Possibility”

One of you sent me the following question or dare I say dilemma. She signed of as “JK”.

Hi Raya,
I recently ran in to an ex-boyfriend. He moved back into town and I ran into him while I was out with my friends. He came up to me and asked how I was doing then asked if we can have lunch sometime. I agreed. During lunch we caught up on what has been going on with each other and it seems like we may rekindle something or it seems like he’s interested in being with me again. My hesitation is that our relationship in the past wasn’t the best. We did not agree on a lot of things and I had suspicions of him cheating on me and he had issues will opening up to me. So there was a big communication barrier between us. The last time we spoke we said really horrible things to each other. So I am reluctant to go through that again. Any advice for me? What would you do?

Dear “JK” and anyone else who may be facing something similar… think of it this way: 5 years ago was 5 years ago. That was then, this is now. Both you and him were probably in different expressions of life at the time. It’s understandable that you may be hesitant because past experiences keep us guarded and there can be triggers of bad memories, but don’t let that stop you from possibly having a good experience with someone from your past. Go into it with a fresh pair of eyes, but I do suggest that you two talk about the issues you faced previously with each other and build a new foundation of communication so that if the concerns show up this time, you two have a better idea of how to handle them. If I were in this situation, this is how I would navigate through it.

With any of my previous lovers, of course there were issues, of course we argued about different things, of course we didn’t say the nicest things to each other when we were upset… but what about now. How to we become better people if we do not take a step forward for a better sense of understanding for those who have been in our lives? I do not know if I would rekindle a romantic relationship with any of my previous lovers, but having a cordial sit down with any of them is feasible. We have to be open to the idea that people do change and there are time that people do show us ugly versions of them sometimes, but should we hold that against them until we die? Well, there are exceptions, such as if that person is abusive or dangerous, but outside of that, we should be able to have open conversations with people from our past. The athlete came into my life twice, each time was different, but both times our lives does didn’t align, I had a different vision on how I wanted to live and he did too. Even though we had love for each other, we knew that we could not coexist as a couple. And “JK” this may be something that happens with you and your ex, but you won’t know unless you open yourself up to the experience.

Life is funny like that, sometimes people come and go, sometimes people come and stay, and sometimes we have to decide who stays and who goes. I don’t know if any of my previous lovers think about me. I mean, what would they even think about if I crossed their minds? I also have not clue if I’d rekindle anything with them because that has not been presented to me, but again what did I say? “Life is funny.” - We really don’t know what we will actually do until we are faced with the decision. Everything isn’t always going to be comfortable and we don’t always know how to prepare ourselves when things are uncomfortable.

“JK”, I think your ex asking to have lunch was a great start. I also think you agreeing to meeting him was good on your part too. And it seems like what you discussed opened several possibilities for the two of you… even if it doesn’t lead to a romance. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. And if anyone else is going through something similar, I would say all the same to you. You don’t know what you are going to do until you are presented with it. Keep an open mind that things can be better, and if it get worse, you have to make a decision. But either way, open yourself up to a possibility of an experience that can be different.

Be safe everyone.

Different Women, Different Standards

September 28, 2024

“People who care and love you will protect your character.”

This may be a bit of an off topic and I want to start by saying that anything that's mentioned in this topic isn't intended to shade anyone. There's different variants of types of women and I've kind always been put in the “Classy” category and a lot of that has to do with how my father raised me. But even though I’m out of his household, men tend to put me in that category too. It’s like they expected me to act and speak a certain way. I really don’t mind because I am proud of the woman I am and how I carry myself and how many people see me. But sometimes there’s a part of me that wants to break that image.

For instance several years ago I was hanging out with a group of friends and there was a girl that came up to me and start dancing very seductively with me. My guy friend saw and pulled me away and said to me, “No, you’re too good to do things like that.” Although, I appreciated how he sees me, I just didn't think it was a big deal and I was having fun. Another time, I was at a club with a different group of friends and I started dancing and then I started…. ummmm… how do I say this without turning red… ummmm, you know how strippers can do certain things? Ummm yeah, that. And again a different guy friend came up to me and said, “You’re not that kind of woman, stop it.” He wasn’t rude, he said in a gentle and protective way and then he handed me a drink and guided my back to my seat. Have you ladies ever had this happen to you? And it’s not even the dancing part, one of my bar friends sometimes will say something very vulgar and then apologized to me for offending me even though what he says isn't directed to me. I think that's very sweet, but I guess he's never heard how vulgar my mouth can be. 😆

It’s almost like most of my guy friends and some of my girlfriends want to keep me in a protective box. When every now and then I just want to let lose without being corrected or told that I'm too classy to do something. There's a hole in the wall bar I like to go to every now and then and it never fails, there's always someone there who tells me I don't look like I should be in a place like that. WHY? I like that bar, the people are nice and I’ve been going there for years. And there's a lot of bars that are within walking distance from where I live, most of then are kind of like country bars where you can smoke and play pool. Well I went to one with a few people and a guy friend texted me randomly to see what I was doing. I told him where I was at and maybe 20 minutes later he comes in, takes my drink, finishes it and then walks me out and takes me home. Mind you, I’m walk distance from home, but he wasn’t walking distance from his house, so he drove out of his way to take me out if a bar that he felt I didn't need to be in. I love when people are protective of me and they probably have good reason, and for the most part I do comply when people correct me like that, but sometimes I hate when people put me in that box and just want to keep me there. Can I step out of box sometimes?

Although realistically, I know me. And there’s limits I won’t go over. I talk about a lot of things here, we have even talked about suggestive things, uncomfortable topics, and painful topics. And even though I have diverse experiences and have developed certain views, just because I may think something is fun or exciting, doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it.

With this website, some of you have said that it’s a manuscript of who I am and how to communicate with me, but it doesn’t really share too much on how to be in a relationship with me, whether a it’s a friendship or a romantic one. Yes, I’ll share what I like, what I don’t like, and you may be able to pull from that, but this really isn’t a detailed outline of how to love and accept me. Does this make sense? You can walk into a coffee shop where and I doing some work and typing away at my laptop, come up say hi to me, I say hi back, then I go about my business. Or I can stop what I’m doing and engage in a little conversation with you and get to know a little more about you and we plan time to hang out. My interactions with people differ from person to person and it also depends on what’s on my mind at the moment. Overall, I try my best to stick to my core values, even if I deviate from them at times, I still make attempts to remind myself the type of woman I am, the type of person my father raised me to be, and the type of individual that people are happy to know and have in their lives.

Be safe everyone.

I Like When He (2022 Refresh)

September 21, 2024

Here is another 2022 topics that I am resurfacing. If you read through or listened to “Making Up” and “I Wish a Man Would” then you will already know that I am not sure what was going on with my life around that time to write these topics because I have a little bit of short term memory issues due to some trauma I faced.

I think with this topic in particular I asked my female readers to share details about what they like during sex, so here is a summary of those answers. And if you were one of the people who answered these questions back in 2022, are you preferences still the same? Talk to me. 👀

1. Lights On or Off?

67% preferred the lights off, but those of you who like the lights on said you like for a man to look you in the eyes while he’s swimming in your pool. — I’m okay with the lights on to…dimmed lights or accent lighting.

2. Top or Bottom?

82% prefer to be on the bottom because you like for the man to maintain control, but some of you also mentioned that him “throwing” you on top is also big d*ck energy…Yeah, I agree. 🍆💦

3. Oral: Giving or Receiving?

Interestingly, this was almost split down the middle. Some of you are saying you don’t like receiving because most men don’t know what they are doing, so you prefer to be the giver. One of you said, “If he don’t make my eyes roll back, I’m getting up and leaving.” 😂 Someone else said, “I guide him to it, so he doesn’t have an option.” What?! 😂 I’m 50/50 on this question, you give, I give. 👅

4. Backshots? (Non-anal)

A good 92% are all for the backshots. Most of you seem to like it when you’re in missionary position and he takes it out for a second, flips you around, pushes your back down and slides it back in for a few minutes while gripping your hips and ass cheeks…Yeah, that’s a great move.💢💦

5. Anal?

72% of you say that is an exit only. — I prefer not to comment on this one. 🤐

6. Open to threesomes or orgies?

59% say they have not done either, me included. Although, most of you would rather do a threesome than an orgy, I tend to agree with this, but not with two men, that’s too much masculinity for me. One of you said that you went to an Eyes Wide Shut party with your partner and you didn’t engage with multiple people, but you did have sex with your partner in front of other people. I’ve only told one person about my thoughts on going to one of these parties, but again the whole “Good Girl” persona in me feels that a man may look at me differently if I do attend one, even if I am only doing things with him. Then again, he’d probably look at me differently too if I agree to a threesome. 🙈🙊🙉

7. Talking During Sex?

Almost everyone answered, Yes, talking during sex is a must and a turn on. You ladies like hearing a man tell you how good it is, ask you questions, compliment you, and moan. I like all this this too, it’s kind of like having live commentary to keep the momentum going. 💬 One of you said during sex your boyfriend tells you the 🐱 is his and that you better not ever think about giving it away to anyone but him. 👀💦…yeah, I can see how hearing can be a turn on. 😆

8. Hair Pulling, Choking, Slapping, Biting, Nipple Stimulation, etc.

Some of you were really explicit with your answers. For the most part, a lot of you like for men to take control of your body. — This is another one that I won’t share my comments on 🤐, but I’ll say this much, I do like soft body kisses especially on my thighs. Aye, you’ve seen my pictures, I’ve got thighs for days.💋

9. Sex in other places outside the bedroom.

I really liked some of your answers, like pulling into a parking garage or hidden road to go at it in the car. Or on the dining room table while people are upstairs sleeping. One of you ended up on the stairs because the lust was just too strong that you never actually made it to the bedroom. To the one who said the elevator…I have still many questions for you, sis. 👀👀👀

10. The Aftermath

Most of you said you like to lay there and be silent for a little while. Yet, all of you said you like when a man “wipes you down with a washcloth” afterwards. There were a few of you that said you like to talk each other about what you just did, like a recount of the events so you know what was good for him and you tell him what was good for you. I think I am somewhere in the mix of being quiet and talking afterwards. I do like to reassure a man when he does things I like and yes, the wipe down right after is top tier. 🤌🏽

11. What gets you aroused to have sex?

These answers had a lot of details too. You broads are all freaks! 😂 Most of you like the teasing and touching back and forth before sex. One of you told about a night where you and your boyfriend were at a bar sitting in the back area. It was dark and he had his hand up your dress playing with your 🐱 while his tongue was down your throat. Another woman said she was in the VIP section sitting on the couch between her boyfriend’s legs while he sitting on the back of the couch and he had his hand down her dress playing with her nipples and when he noticed another man looking her, he grabbed her neck with his other hand, leaned down, and started kissing her 👀. Whew, chile!!! I guess I’ve been dealing with the wrong type of men because I would love for a man to do that with me. 💦

12. What is something you will not do for a man?

This question was a little vague so you could answer however you saw fit. Some of you listed off your standards. For instance one woman stated she will not get involved with a man who has a child under 5 years old…I can see why that can be an issue for a relationship. Another said, she won’t deal with a man who has roommates...I agree with this one too. If you don’t have your own personal place, we’re not going to spend all our time at my place. Other answers were sex related and were about what you won’t allow such as threesomes, anal, or being tied up.

Here is my answer: I don’t think there is not too much I will not do if the man if treating me right and making me feel appreciated. This all goes back to my thoughts on being submissive or being more willing to appease a man’s wishes if he is doing right by me. But there is one thing I am not too open to do unless I am fully comfortable with a guy. — I won’t sleep over a man’s place. When I was younger, it wasn’t a big deal, but now that I’ve developed certain idiosyncrasies, I’m not too eager to sleep in a man’s bed. I think it’s the thought of him having other women in his bed (I know it shouldn’t even be an issue, but I’m just weird like that.) I don’t know when he last washed his sheets, if he has a mattress protector, when the last time he bought new pillows…all of that. I told you folks before, I am a 1 man girl, regardless of the situation, I don’t entertain multiple people at one time. I also make sure I take a few months to myself before I even consider sleeping with a new man, so there isn’t going to be any type of residue or essence of more than one guy in my place, if any at all. Plus, I wash my bedding weekly anyway. Not only that, I also don’t want to carry an overnight bag with extra clothes, face wash, toothbrush, etc. And I have my morning routines, coffee, breakfast, or sometimes I’ll just lay around and watch tv before starting my day. So if he doesn’t like to do any of that, then I have to get up early, drive back home and redo my morning. Unless we are co-sharing our spaces, I’m not staying over.

Whew…I love it when you guys give me something to talk about or think about. Really, my website wouldn’t be as exciting if I didn’t allow open dialogue with all of you.

Be safe everyone.

Unhinged

September 15, 2024

“I miss when we use to meet people outside of an app.”

I kind of did a social experiment and I also was a bit curious on what the hype is with dating apps. And this isn't an advertisement, I’ve not partnered with any apps. So I downloaded a popular dating app and one of my guy friends actually set it up for me, he arranged my profile, selected my pictures, and helped me with the captions. Then I let it do what it does. Within the first 24 hours I had over 100 messages from the app. There were men giving me compliments, asking me to dinner, wanting to speak to me, asking me more questions about myself. It was really overwhelming. Keep in mind, I didn't download the app to really date anyone, I just wanted to see why a lot of people resort to this. With the messages I got, I can see why women like dating apps, but I’m not so sure what the hype is for men.

My friend showed me how to go through the profiles and x-out the men. And as we were going through it, I noticed how many men like to post pictures of themselves fishing/hunting, going to the gym, being shirtless, or showing off money or cars. And let me tell you, I don’t know what the thought behind those pictures are, but those aren't appealing to me. And I was telling another guy friend about the pictures and he even say, “That’s not going to get your attention.” SIDEBAR: I love it when my friends, especially my guy friends, know me well enough to know what attracts me and what doesn't.

Although, I do understand a picture only tells a small part of a story, and because I’m not really invested into dating apps, my opinions are probably null and void. I did have a few nice conversations, but soon realized, I was just wasting time instead of really being interested in anyone. I am very much the type of person who rather just meet someone authentically and we slowly start to get to know each other. I think the whole idea of putting yourself online and pretty much giving a resume about yourself is kind of ……. But with that being said I know there’s been plenty of relationships and marriages that were a result of dating apps and meeting people through social media. I just don’t think I have the personality type to do that.

I rather have a scenario of boy sees girl, boy says hi to girl, they exchange numbers, they talk, they spend time together, and they decide whether it's something special or not. Is that too much these days? And those of you who are on dating apps, I’m not saying there's anything wrong with it or that you need a new mode of meeting people, I’m just saying it’s not for me. If it's working for you, then continue on and share with me how well it’s going and maybe you can convince me to take it seriously!

I’m a woman of a certain age and I’ve never not valued companionship it’s just been hard for me to balance it. And I don’t know it I’ve shared this already, but I’m coming into a more graceful time of my life, I still have moments where I may get beside myself, but now I take more time to process things and give myself and others more patience. There's still things I have little tolerance for, but I don’t hold in or hold on to frustration as much as I used to. I would like to have a lover who appreciates that about me, who maybe has seen me or understands my different phases. I want to be or become someone who makes someone else forget their dark moments, who’s genuinely happy to see me and spend time with me and who is open to hearing my thoughts about various topics. Don't get me wrong, I love sharing things with you guys, but I’d like to have someone who stands apart from the rest and supports my willingness to be graceful and love towards people even to people who don’t give it back.

Be safe everyone.

Mixing Friend Groups

September 10, 2024

“I love them and they love me. But they don't love each other.”

How many friend groups do you have? I think I have about 4 or 5. Friend groups are people you either met at different junctions in your life or people you’ve connected with who share the same qualities or visions as you. I have friends from my childhood and friends I met post high school. Within those categories are different friend groups. I have 2 separate girlfriend groups, one who like to go to lounges and make a night of it, and the other who like to do day events like brunch and be home before 10pm. Then I have friends I've who I categories by city or state. Lastly, I have friends who I don’t have in a group and I just hang out with them individually. But the question is, do you mix your friend groups and bring them all together? Some people say only for special events like birthday and holiday parties. Other people say the keep everyone separated. And I'm part of that other crowd.

You see each group knows different versions of me and that's how they view me. It’s the same for all your friends too. People you met when you were kids, they had different experiences with you as you experienced the different milestones in life. Same goes for people who net you as an adult, they only know about your childhood if you share it with them. And because my own life has had many obstacles and turns my friends represent those different avenues of my life.

I don’t keep my friends from meeting each other but I’m mindful not to bring people around each other who may not share the same vibes. For instance, I wouldn't necessarily invite my brunch girlfriends to come hand out with my lounge girlfriends. But I'd be more receptive to bringing my lounge girlfriends around my group of guy friends who like to do the same. The only thing is, I don’t like to be the middle person if one friend ends of having an issue with another friend and then I have to defend them both. I know what I love about all of my friends and I know why they love me, the doesn't mean they’ll love each other, so most of the time I just rather keep everyone separated.

Even my 2 bestfriends from childhood, they are complete opposites and wouldn't really enjoy each other's company. So even growing up, I spent time with them separately. It just avoids potential issues with my friendships. And you know how I've continually mention that I don't bring a guy who I may be interested in around my guy friends? I don't do it with my girlfriends either. And I really don’t know how it became like that and maybe it's because my views on relationships have changed? I just like to be mindful of everyone's comfort especially those I care about.

The only group of friends that's kind of already mixed are my bar friends including the bartenders. The ages are varied, the education is varied, the demographics are varied, it’s really a mixed bag. They've gotten to know a little about me, I’ve gotten to know a litte about them and sometimes they’ll invite me to other bars. Sometimes I go, and sometimes I just stay where I’m at, because the most of the bars pull in a younger crowd and I don’t necessarily want to mixed in with that. I can adapt to anywhere I am and I can have fun anywhere, but I also have a limit when I'm around people or in places that really don’t fit my personality, you know what I mean? Even one of my bar friends who is my age and many people in the area know him, he has shared the same sentiment. He likes being invited and he'll join sometimes, but he doesn't want that image on him. Either way, I love that the younger groups see me as someone they like being around.

You know how sometimes you'll see the older guy with a bunch of young women? Many people don’t have positive thoughts on that and I’ve heard some of the things they’ve said especially more so in the bar setting when people notice certain a certain couple or a noticeably older gentleman with a younger woman, and I can see the looks on their faces and they’ll make comments and the comments aren't very pleasant. I don’t want to be someone who they make those types of comments about. So I mainly stick to my circle of friends who I've developed valuable connections with.

In a way, you're friends groups are your protection circles. They'll protect what they love about you, well at least my friends do. Even when I’m not really getting along with someone in the same group, each of them still stands by both of us. Which I can appreciate when people don’t take sides and still acknowledge both people have to take steps to mend fences. And that's what’s beautiful about having these friend groups who protect the value of the group and everyone in it. And I’m very protective of my friends and that may be the reason why I don’t mix my friend groups because I don’t want them being offended by a friend from another group and vice versa. What are your thoughts on this?

Be safe everyone.

*You can look good, smell good, be a perfect gentleman, and dress with sense, I still will not chase you are fight another woman over you.

*When I say I'm picky, what I really mean is SHE is picky. Lol.

*I work hard and have a lot of responsibilities, but in between that, I like to enjoy everything life offers.

Who Hurt You

September 5, 2024

“We can either let the pain destroy us and the people we care about or pivot the pain to heal us and help others.”

We talk about pain and disappointment a few times here. It's part of life. When we put our hope and faith into someone, we're taking a big risk and we don't know if it’s worth it or not until it plays out. That’s part of the lessons we face. Trust is the most dangerous thing to give away. It's also the most valuable thing to keep sacred when it's given to you. I’ve put trust in people who didn’t deserve it but in the same accord they expected me to trust them even though they knew they were doing things to hurt me.

For instance, how do you trust someone who says they are not involved with anyone but then that person is seen out and about with an individual acting like they're a couple? One time there was a man who claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone and then not even a week later a girl was rubbing on his thighs, sitting on his lap and kissing on him…he wasn't correcting her either. If you're not a man of your word, you're actions will show it and make you look like a fool. Men with discipline don't carry themselves like that because they know how to steer the public eye from categorizing them as a reckless man. Read that again if you have to 🔁.

I’ve never deliberately tried to hurt someone, although I can react to being hurt in an irrational way, but I don’t consciously make it a point to cause someone pain. And the problem is most people who hurt others believe that when people react, it comes out of nowhere, and that's such a shame. I’m going to share something that I've never really shared out loud. With any of my previous lovers whether they notice or not and whether they appreciate it or not, or even whether they care or not, I still do this. If I know there’s a chance I may run into a previous lover, I don’t bring a man of interest around. This is just my discreet way of showing a small gesture of respect, no matter if I am on good or bad terms with any of them.

Even with my ex-husband, there's no possibility of us ever reconciling, but I’m not going to bring anyone anywhere that I may run into him. I’m a single woman through and through, that's a choice I continue to make, and if I so choose to entertain someone romantically, I'm not going to entertain him in the same space that a previous lover may be or show up at. And this is just me, many of you may not agree with this and say if it’s the past than I shouldn't worry about what they think, I agree to a certain extent, but and hear me out, if there are still times or situations where I come face to face with my past, I rather just face it on my own than to pull someone else into it, because they don't know all the history and I’m not one to share too much history with someone who wasn't there to witness it or be a part of it - are you starting to understand my way of thinking with this? I not too keen on talking about past relationships in detail with your new one. I may mention a few things here and there to explain why things didn't work, but for the most part my past with anyone is sacred. And some of you may not agree with this either, but no matter how or why things ended with someone, we still shared something personal and private. I can’t speak for any of my previous lovers, but I still respect our privacy to a degree because we shared those intimate times together and I don't take that lightly.

The ONLY exception is if I’m getting serious with a man and it's leading to a marriage, yes, I’ll be more open with my husband, but frankly, if a man really knows me and accepts me, he won’t care to know all about my previous relationships because he’ll be confident that I’m only focused on building something with him - but we all know my thoughts on marriage ☺️ - So 99% of the time any previous lover can be certain that what we’ve shared together just stays with us and if I run into one of them, there's no reason for him not to speak or approach me unless he has an issue with me and if he doesn't want to share it, than that’s on him to hold on to.

No previous lover can ever say that I never cared or paid attention when I most likely care more and paid more attention than they did and I'm still cognizant of them in a few ways whether they know it or not. I may have not cared for what they did, the decisions they made, or the type of people they entertain, but that didn't mean I had no care for them. I care about how you make yourself look. Know the difference because if you're doing things that’s poor character or decorum, that bothers me because I don't want people seeing someone I love in a bad light.

Some of you may be saying, “Raya that's doing to much” and we'll agree to disagree because if I’m laying with you that means I think highly of you and remember what I said in the last topic? Who we chose to be with can be a reflection of us. Even if the relationship lasts a few months, in that short period of time we still represent each other no matter if anyone knows we’re fooling around or not. I want to be confident of the type of man I’m laying with just like he should be confident of the type of woman I am. If I welcomed you into my personal space, I cared a lot for you.

I still carry some secrets I have with my previous lovers. While some of them have taken advantage of me not speaking about us and used it to create their own stories, and I remained quiet while they slandered me to other people….what type of shit is that? And who's the better person here? Why would you give people ammunition to dislike me just because you're upset? What kind of person does that make you? How does hurting me help you? 🤔

Sometimes being grown is a state of mind and other times it's learning and adapting to life experiences. You can be 55 and still not know how to conduct yourself or know how to handle your environment. I said this in a previous topic, grown women with standards and who’ve been able to come up on their own, we’re not out here to play pitypat with you. And you're going to feel it when you fck up with us. So you either do better or you stay where you're at. Your choice. But don't continue to hurt people because you think you don't have to make any changes or you feel you didn't do anything wrong.

We all are going to face challenges over and over again and some of those challenges will try to break us, but that's when you have to decide whether you're going to allow that to happen or find a way to pull through it. I can work through pain. And if I can put down the pain you put on me and still show you kindness, it doesn't mean the pain is gone, I just pushed it aside and chose not to let it affect me as much for the sake of being a better person.

If you were someone who's ever said you cared about me, but never asked how I’m doing, checked on me, asked about my family, defended me, spoke up for me, or you've allowed other people to offend me then the distance between your head and your asshole isn't that far. And no matter whatever else you decide to do, you'll still have to face the fact that you treat a great person so poorly and eventually that will affect other decisions you make because you either are trying to overcompensate what you've done or you're trying not to acknowledge what you've done. I can be entirely pissed off at someone and in tears from the pain they caused, but I'd still want to know if they are ok. And that's why I get hurt, because most people don't understand empathy.

And if you're someone who deflects accountability by trying to point the finger at someone else rather than owning up to your decisions and actions then you indeed have internal issue that you need to work on. The worst kind of victim is the one that creates another. Also, when you hurt someone for someone else...that pain you caused will come back to you and you’ll inadvertently keep hurting people and it just becomes your cycle. And you have to choose to break that cycle.

Be safe everyone.

They Represent You

August 31, 2024

I've said this time and time again, who you choose to entertain or who you choose to partner with says something about you and where your head is at.

Remember a few topics ago, I told you I have a friend with the PhD in psychology and that she's digging into adults who choose partners over 15 years younger than them and her theory is that those people have the same thought patterns as people who engage in inappropriate relationships with children or people under 18. She's actually started pulling together some case studies that confirms her theory such as how those people try to defend their choices by not taking accountability of their actions, or having identity issues within themselves, and not being completely honest with themselves about who they really are, and part of that is not having good self-awareness. She doesn't want me sharing too many details right now until she does more research, but what she has so far will really open your eyes. And you don’t have to be an academic or high degrees to follow her findings, you just have to have some decent common sense.

Again, you have to be cognizant of who you are involved with because whether you agree with this or not, that person is a representation of you. Not just how they look, but how they present themselves to the world, what their goals are, what their accomplishments are, if they have stability, if they have good people around them, what they talk about, and so on. No that person isn't a complete reflection of you, but they represent a marker of who you are at this moment in your life.

Just like me, my ex-husband was a marker of who I was at a certain time in my life. He represented a part of who I was, but not who I could be and thankfully, I evolved from the person I was because I knew I wanted better and I knew I wanted more and in order to do that I had to make decisions that would lead me to what I want. Even the Athlete, he represented a different marker in my life. There's still parts of who I was when I was with them that’s still within me, but I’ve learn to pivot those characteristics to something better. Are you guys following me or is this too cerebral? I know sometimes I can go off on a wild tangent, but the point is, your choices impact a lot of things, including who you choose to be with.

Let’s take it a little further. Let's look into monarchies, how royal people only marry other people who are of similar class or status or better. My friend always told me, “You either date across or you date up, but you don't date down.” What he meant by that is when you date someone who is adjacent to your wheelhouse there isn't an underlying struggle or barrier that's already present. This doesn't mean you can't have things in common with anyone outside the wheelhouse, it just means those commonalities aren't enough. Just like love isn't always enough, having a few things in common isn't either — I mean we all breath and we all like to eat, those are things everyone has in common, I’m just saying don’t always rely on what you have that is similar to someone else. And going back to my PhD friend, she says much of those older partners in relationships with highly younger people rely on those common factors to defend their choices.

Let's put this in another perspective. The presidential race is at foot, but before we got here and with any presidential campaign, we get to find out who the candidates elect as their running mate. And are you all aware of the selection process? The running mate has to align and compliment the candidate so together, they make a stronger force. Does this make more sense? Now put this into the perspective of relationships. This is very similar to what I’m saying.

Of course if you're just out here having fun and not trying to get serious with anyone, then hey do what you want with whoever you want. But if that's what you're doing, don't be out here parading that person around like it is something serious. Remember, we don’t treat bottom shelf like it belongs on the top shelf. Keep your toys where toys belong.

But if you are like me who is for the fun, who isn't looking for marriage or to share your life with someone, but who also isn't for the bullshit and the nonsense, then we still have to be mindful of who we chose as our lovers. I can't be with just anyone and anyone can’t just be with me. No matter how long or short it lasts. Any one who has been involved with me, consider it a high compliment. - Aye you guys like it when I talk my shit, so here you go. - I am the flower that continues to bloom. I’ve always been that, even when a man is looking the other way, he still feels my presence. I don’t know if any of you have studied Greek and Roman mythology, but under my birth sign and the stars, the Roman Goddess, Aphrodite, who rules under the planet Venus is known to be a lover of pleasure, luxury, and sensuality. And I do not follow astrology too closely, but I do embody those hallmarks. And if those are some of the characteristics I represent, I’d want someone who has traits that balance me. The thing is you can be opposite from a person and still align with them as long as you two are in the same vortex, but that’s a deeper conversation we’ll have to save for another day.

You have to be a certain kind of man for me to be interested. Especially now, because if I introduce you to the people I love including my friends, if they don't see a part of who I am in you then you will not gain their favor and you’ll just be someone I brought around a few times. And I already told you guys, there's one group of friends that I’m not bringing anyone around to unless I am for sure he'll mesh well with them. Because this group of friends won't hesitate to tell me, “Nah, Raya, you need to get rid of this clown.” And if they say that, then you are out of sight, because this group isn't going to adjust to anyone who doesn't align with us. We'll tolerate you to a certain extent, but you're not part of us. If my friends represent me better than you represent me then guess what? I’m going to defend them over you.

Some of you may say that's wrong, but remember, I’m not looking for a husband. At best maybe long-term lover who understands my need for space and discretion and we come together when we can and people may know there’s something between us but they won't know all the details or even how it works with us, I’m on board with that and realistically there's a certain caliber of people who can really do that and those people would be adjacent to my wheelhouse. But, if you are seeking a marriage, then yes, make bigger efforts for your person, but still keep in mind that person becomes a reflection and representation of you.

Be safe everyone.

I Wish A Man Would (2022 Refresh)

August 27, 2024

Have you ever been around a man you are attracted to and not sleeping with, but with one right move you would ravage him, but you don't want to say anything because you don’t want to seem forward? Same. 😄😇 Sometimes I wish men could read our minds so we don’t have to seem like “wayward” women…or is that just me? 😆

I'm so stubborn that I’ll keep holding on to my celibacy before I tell a man I want to do anything with him . If a man wants me, he better say something because I surely won’t!!! 😳😬🤐🥴🤣 — I’m very disciplined in different areas of my life and this is one of them; due to this, contrary to how I may dress and how friendly I can be, I still don’t have a history of many partners…Fam, my sh*t is precious, everyone is not deserving of it. 🙃 (Even if I’m joking around and say “I’m going hoe-ing”, I may come back home with a few new numbers in my phone, but NO BODIES! 🚫)

There is a part of me that's very strong willed, but there is another part of me that wants to be or does not mind to be…submissive. I got some emails and private comments about how you would like a man to make the first move.

I have this super fine trainer and every time we start our workout he helps me stretch out my body, his hand are on my waist, legs, all of that. I think he's attracted to me too but wants to keep it professional but just once JUST ONCE I want him to pull me into one of the changing rooms and bang my back out. 💪🏽
I don’t know how to say this a man but when we are out in public in front of friends and people we know I want him to show PDA and kind of nasty PDA like walk up to me when I’m in mid conversation with someone grab my neck, whisper something in my ear and walk away. I want that move to let everyone know he doesn’t play about me especially in front of men who want me. 🔐
I want him to record it while he's hitting it from the back and then I him to tell me to suck his dick until he cums and record that too. 😳
After an argument I want my man to tell me to shut up and he just does what DMX did to Keisha in Belly. 👀
Sometimes I just want the dude I like to show up at my house and when I open my door he doesn’t say a word to me but just pushes me against the wall and pulls my leg up over his thigh and starts fcking me through my house. 🏠
During sex I want him to cuss me out and call me bitch and hoe. But I’m scared he may judge me for it. 🙊
If I’m wearing a low cut dress at the club I want him to slide his hand in my top and start playing with my nipples and kiss me while everyone is looking. 💋
I want this guy to grab me, look me dead in my eyes and tell me what he's about to do to me. And I want him to setup a threesome while he watches and tells the other girl what to do and how to do it. 😼
I have a guy friend that is being too nice to me, but I don’t want him to be nice. I want him to take full advantage of me the next time we go drinking. But I want him to be kind of slick about it and not make it obvious and find a way to get me to his house or him come to mine but I want him to take all control of the situation. 😈
I want him to go all out one weekend and take me to a nice hotel where he pulls all my nastiness out and convinces me to do things I never did before like tell me to swallow and then still treat me like an innocent princess afterwards. 👸
I have a friend who doesn't know I'm crazy about him but I also think I’m not his type because I see the type of girls that be around him and I’m not like any of them. He likes the party girls who like to twerk and shake ass but I just like to chill. We hang out a few times and we have a good time together but just wish he’d tell me I’m the only one he's worried about and to take home and so I can ride him and suck his dick until he cums in my mouth and show him what he’s been missing. ❤
I’ve been lusting on a man for about a month. He hasn't made any moves. I’m not ugly so I don’t think he's not attracted to me. I think he knows I want him but he's not doing anything about it. He might have a girl but I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want him thinking I want him if he doesn't already know it. But girl! If he ever calls me and tells me to come over I’m shaving my pu$$y and I’m going over there and sit on his face until I cum in his mouth and then I’m going to let him bang my back out from behind and let him pound my pu$$y until it’s sore. 🤐

I also asked a few ladies to give me examples of things a guy says or does to them that’s a turn on, gets the mood started, or keeps the momentum going.

Here is the list of things he says: (I’m not going to lie, if a man said some of these things to me….just go ahead and take my panties off, I give in! 🙊😂)

Come here, let me taste you. 😳
When I get over there, I want you to come to the door naked. 😳
Put on that dress I like. 😳
Don’t wear any panties tonight. 😳
Tell him you coming home with me. 😳
Damn, this 😼 feels good.
This is how you like it, huh? 😳
Don’t keep this 😼 from me.
Don’t ever give my 😼 away.
Open these legs up more. 😳
F*ck, this 😼 is so wet.
Does he make you cum like I do? 😳

Here is a list of things you ladies like that he does:

When he holds my wrists over my head with one hand and grips my thighs with the other hand while he’s stroking it. 💦
My man will come up behind me and put his dick right on my butt and says to me, “You ready?” 💦

Making Up (2022 Refresh)

August 21, 2024

For me, I don’t think of sex as just that. I’m a bit of an old fashioned girl, I told you before, I value intimacy and only sharing my goods with one man…I am not rated “E” for Everyone. And as much as I may like to show skin and friendly with people, I am NOT open to doing anything that isn’t significant to my values. I have to actually like the person and like to be around them, talk to them, hear from them, and enjoy their company. So if the regular sex isn’t great, I’m not going to be very interested in the make up sex. I also believe it depends on how much you miss the person and what good things you remember about the person that makes the reconciliation sex so amazing, because there is so much pent up emotions and unspoken conversations that you are letting go and giving in to each other.

Here are some of your thoughts…(I had to clean up the language from some of you freaks. 👀😂)

Reader 1: I don’t know what it is about make up sex, but it is top tier! You just go at it like the world is ending. My man poled me down so good I couldn’t move afterwards. And the things he was saying to me when he was rearranging my organs! I fell in love with that man all over again. That was his way of telling me he missed me and if it’s like that! Then he needs to miss me again and again! 😂

Not rearranging your organs?!?! I do love the talking. — Tell me you miss me, tell me how good it is, tell me you’re sorry, tell me we’re good, tell me the issue is dead, tell me we’re moving on, tell me you want me, tell me everything. 🔊👂

Reader 2: Make up sex is the best ever! Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I moved out and everything. My new place was 15 minutes away and there is one grocery store between us. We ended up running into each other after work, it was awkward because I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at him and said Hi. He started asking me how I was and we had a 30 minute conversation in the produce section. We had not spoken in 2 month prior to this. He seemed to be doing really good so I figure this was our closure. That weekend, he showed up at my apartment. He didn’t know my apt number I only told him where I was living when we talked at the grocery store. The leasing office called me and wanted to make sure it was okay to give my information out to him Lol, they thought he might have been a threat to me. He came up to my apt and we talked some more and then one thing led to another. I can’t explain how good it was! And it’s not like he did anything different but it just felt amazing, he did everything just right. Thank god I waxed earlier that week!

This sounds like a scene from a movie. Sometimes you can’t fight that urge to see someone and realize whatever you were arguing about isn’t important anymore. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. ❤️✨

Reader 3: It depends on who it is. Make up sex ain’t good with everybody. A man has to know my body. He has to know how I like it. If he don’t then it’s just wasting my time and I don’t have time for basic make up sex. Blow my mind or go somewhere else.

I agree. If you don’t know what I like then how are you going to please me? And I’m a talker, if you are doing something I like, I’ll tell you. If I’m not talking, then I’m not into it, so I love it when a man pays attention to my cues. 💦

Reader 4: The best make up sex I had was when my dude stopped me in mid argument, grabbed my neck started kissing me and then picked me up and threw me on the bed. He ripped my panties and started eating it and then came back up and put the just the tip in and said, You gonna stop arguing with me?, I didn’t know what was going on! He kept telling me to stop moving and take it. All I said was “Yes Daddy”.

👀 My face turned as red as my hair color reading this response! 😳😂 I felt like I was getting flashbacks to a similar situation. I don’t mind being told what to do in these types of situations. Look me dead in the eyes and put some bass in your voice when you do it. 🙈🙊🙉

Reader 5: I was in college and I was messing with this guy for a year. He was no good. The typical pretty boy on campus. He was always lying and talking to every other girl and I got tired of it and cussed him out over the phone and hung up on him. Not even 10 minutes later he comes knocking on my door and we are yelling at each other my TA had to come out to check on me. The guy was still in my room and while he was yelling he’s taking off his clothes and grabbing me and kissing on me. Then he started taking off my clothes. It was such a turn on. I’m glad my roommate wasn’t there! He made me [climax] 4 times that night! I didn’t know I could even do that!

So you two are just hollering at each other while you’re letting him strip you down naked? I guess the end result was worth it. FOUR TIMES??!! 👀😲

Reader 6: I was so fed up with this one man I was dating, but his 🍆 was everything! Every time I wanted to leave him he would come and press up against me so I can feel it on my 🍑 and then he would whisper, So you gonna leave all this? And when he was in me he would say, This is my sh*t. You ain’t giving my sh*t to nobody else. That man was toxic but I bent over each time! LOL.

Lmao! I don’t know if I would hate or love it if a man did that! Some men just know how to finesse you and when they start walking closer to you, then you just know you’re done for and you feel so ashamed for giving in but it’s all for the good of the glory! 😂

Reader 7: My husband and I were separated for 8 months one time. We only talked when it was about the kids. One of our mutual friends was having a dinner party and we both went but not together and everyone knew we were separated. I thought he was going to bring someone because I heard that he was dating again. Our friends are known to throw big parties so I got all dressed up, did my hair, got my makeup done and was looking right! I didn’t bring anyone and I saw my husband didn’t bring anyone either. When my husband saw me he acted like we never met before. He played like a stranger and came to introduce himself and asked what my name was. The whole night he kept sending me drinks and coming over to give me compliments. I was turned on and played along. We ended up sneaking into laundry room for an hour. He pulled up my dress and lifted up my leg and we couldn’t stop. We were like teenagers! We’re now back together and every now and then we play the “stranger game” when we go out.

I think that is so sexy. When you drop all the problems you had and do a refresh on the relationship. Like we no longer know each other from before and we are meeting each other again for the first time. Sometimes you need to push that reset button. 🤗

Reader 8: This just happened last week. I was mad a my fiancé during Christmas because of issues I have with his family. We got into a big fight. I even left my ring on the kitchen table and got myself a hotel for the weekend. I didn’t tell him where I was going to be and I didn’t answer any of his calls or text messages. I knew his work schedule so I went home to get some of my stuff. He didn’t go to work and was at home and when I walked in the first thing he says to me was, Why you haven’t been answering me? I walked away from him and went to our room to start getting my clothes. He kept getting in front of me and I don’t know how it happened but we started kissing and I ended up naked and on top of him riding him like there was no tomorrow. And when he was on top banging my back out, he kept saying, You gonna answer me next time right?! I need to know where you at! And all I could get out was , Yes I’m going to answer every time!

WHAT?! What do you mean you don’t know how it happened? 👀😆

These next two are from men. Not many words, but still enough to get the point across 👀😆. It’s funny because I recently and literally just told someone that my site is NOT FOR MEN😆. There is nothing on here men need to read but I guess my audience is more diverse than I anticipated. (And again, I am cleaning up some of the language. 😂)

Reader 9: Anytime my girl act up, I know what she needs. A good 15-20 minutes of this 🍆 and she good for the next 24-48 hours. That’s what yall women need anyway is a man to shut you up because yall just always wanna argue. Just shut tf up and come here and get this 🍆.

Sir….👀 sometimes you do need to talk to your girl and find out what the issue is. Sex isn’t always the problem solver...but it sounds like it’s working for you so I’m just going to mind my business. 🙈🙊🙉😆

Reader 10: The 🐱 after you done arguing is the best. It’s warmer and wetter and she let me do more. It’s good when it’s been a minute and it’s tight and then I know she ain’t been nowhere.

Wait what??!! Is this really true?!?! 👀 See, I’m not about to play with you guys! Lol. I don’t even know what to say with this one, I’ll just let the readers take over. 🙈🙊🙉

I swear, you readers thrill me! I think another part of make up sex is the excitement of it all. You don’t know what's going to happen but you’re just going with it and letting go of any anger or resentment you had before. So you are breaking down all your walls to have this euphoric feeling all throughout your body, like a high. And in those moments, nothing else matters but you and the other person.

Thank you everyone who shared your thoughts and whenever I decide to step out and get involved with someone again, I’m going to be thinking of some of these scenarios AND the ones from the other post! 👀🙈🙊🙉 And I’m definitely not telling him about my site! 😆