Raya's Rundown

This is what you’ve been wanting from me….

Let’s start with sports. If you are new around here, I’m an Eagles fan to the core. The whole family is. There’s just something unique and different about my team and there’s just something unique and different about the fans. If you’re not an Eagles fan, bless your heart baby. Anyway, so Saquon Barkley who played for the Giants has always been an Eagles fan, he grew up watching the team and has expressed wanting to play for for the Eagles and now that opportunity has opened up for him and he’s taking it. Barkley is originally from Bronx, NY, but grew up in Lehigh Valley, PA. He played at Penn State, so he has connections to Philly. But Tiki Barber, who is a former Giants player, is not happy about Saquon’s decision. Let’s pause on this for a moment. So Saquon, a grown man, is making a decision for himself and a Tiki, another grown man who is no longer playing football, allegedly tells Sequon, “You’re dead to us.”

First of all, who is US? Is he speaking on behalf of the Giants franchise or is it a particular group of people? Secondly, if that’s how you react to someone else’s choice whether it be personal or professional, then let’s put the clown stamp on you sir. You cannot control what people do, on top of that, you cannot speak for other people. Who made you the spokesperson? This is what happens when men have too much ego, they think they can control the people around them. Tiki, aren’t you the same man who left his pregnant wife for your mistress? Now I don’t know that situation, you and your then wife may have already had some type of agreement, but fam, this is how you look. You may have more than a few character flaws there, my guy. I’m sure in the grand scheme of things my little website will never get to your eyes and ears, but sir, Why are you having a tantrum over this?

That’s like someone being mad at you for doing something they didn’t like, so now they tell people not to associate with you. If any of you are like this, please wear that clown stamp proudly. How are you going to tell other adults not to associate with someone YOU have a problem with? Do you pay all their bills? Do you dress them? Do you feed them? We are not on the playground, baby. Whatever your issue is with someone is YOUR issue, it’s not someone else’s issue. If you are like this, please sit down and just stay quiet. Clowns need to take a break sometimes. Hey, you wanted this side of me, here it is.

Plus, my Daddy likes Barkley move to Philly and says he is a great running back with a good track record. I’m rolling with me Daddy.


A lot of you are asking my thoughts on the Draya and Jalen Green chaos. First and foremost, congratulations on the pregnancy. Let's start there. Next, I'm going to give you both perspectives. If we're looking at the age gaps, Draya has a son who is Jalen age, so of course, that's going to be weird anyone. And that couldn't be something I would do and especially get pregnant, no. I don't know if you guys are familiar with 90s hip-hop, Cam'ron is a rapper from New York, some of his most notable work was during the time he was signed to RocAFella Records, and he has a podcast with another New York rapper, Mase, whose best known for his tracks with Bad Boy label. Anyways, they share their thoughts on this and mention they want to know if Jalen is even cool with all this, like does he have any say or thoughts about this? Or is he just trying to follow suit because Draya is an older woman and is just trying to keep his head down. And what do Jalen's parents think about this because his parents may be close in age as Draya. Jalen was probably watching that reality show Draya started on, and that might be where the infatuation started. Who knows, I know she's getting a lot of flack from this. I don't know how Draya makes her money, but people are saying that she's set herself up comfortably due to Jalen's basketball contract. My sister and I spoke about this briefly, and she told me that if I did something like that, she would be highly upset with me and embarrassed. I wonder if anyone in Jalen's or Draya's circle has those feelings?

But let me now give you the other perspective. He's an athlete. She is a reality tv, Instagram model, beautiful, and semi famous for her looks. They are in the same environment. Their people know each other, they probably go to the same places, he's young so he mostly like hangs out at clubs and lounges and Draya's PR people probably tell her she needs to be out and host parties and be seen mixing and mingling in the celebrity social scenes. Their environments and their surroundings are not far different. Plus, he is not some bouncer at a bar, and she's not some diner waitress. Both of them have publicly made a name for themselves. If it was everyday people in this situation, yeah, I get it, be upset, that's not a proper situation. But like I said, i don't know how Draya makes her money, but her name is obviously known among certain entertainment crowds. So she's not a bum, and neither is Jalen. In a normal light, they're not equals, but in the lives that they've created for themselves, they are somewhat aligned. Can people still find fault it it? Of course, it's natural for the majority to react in disgust. Especially since Jalen is starting his career and has so much to learn still, but no one would have batted an eye if it had been a bottle girl who is his age and got her pregnant.

Take me, for example, I do well and make a comfortable living, which would be better, me dating a 22 year old delivery boy or me dating a 22 year old entrepreneur who's developed a successful business? I could probably have better conversations with the entrepreneur, but outside of that what else would I have in common with him? Neither of the guys would be an option I would decide on because it's just not practical and my life is beyond comparison of a 22 year old, even if he was a 10 million dollar athlete. Again, congrats to Draya, this is what she chose and she's the one who's going to go through it. I wish her the best.

📍NOT MY WORDS: People are commenting that she is “Draya is passed around goods…Just because she's pretty doesn't mean she’s worthy….Jalen is too young to understand what he got himself into.PLUS! There's now men (other athletes) who's commenting on things she did with them. 👀 People are cold! 🥶  


I am so sick and tired of men trying to subliminally convince me I need to be in a relationship. Men who are like this have intentions that do not align with their understanding of me or consider what I want. If I tell you, there’s no value for me to be in a relationship right now, you need to pay attention to that, not make plans to be alone with me to try to get me to see that you are the man I should be with. Or if I tell you that I am comfortable with how my life is right now, and I’m not interested in giving my time or emotions to a man, you need to hear me out. I do not have the capacity to be in a relationship, I don’t have the capacity to be someone’s girlfriend, and I definitely do not have the capacity to be someone’s wife, I’ve held those titles before, I really don’t see a need right night to have them again. And even if that door was open, I’m not going to be with a man who doesn’t listen to me. I’m not going to be in a relationship just to be in one. There has to be value and significance that surpasses a friendship. I want something tangible.

If a man is constantly talking about a relationship or asking what I want in a relationship, he has ulterior motives with me. Why can you not accept my friendship? Or if you just met me, figure out if I’m at least someone you want to be friends with. Start there. And let me be clear, I’ve mentioned entertaining lovers before, that type of relationship is not a traditional one. It’s a European adaptation, moreso French and Italian. Having a lover does not mean we are checking for each other everyday. It just means we admire each other, we encourage and praise each other, we spend some time together, we may have mutual friends and go out socially, we are intimate, but we are not in interference to anything else going on in our lives and we give each other space. And that last part is my biggest thing, SPACE.

I’m building up my passive income portfolio because I may retire from my career, but I am not going to retire from making money. Plus, I’m deep into my dissertation research, and I’m very much involved with the happenings in my family. I also try to make time for people I’ve know for a long time. For instance, I have a friend who is coming in town this week. I have not seen him in over 7 years and he reached out to me to have drinks and catch up. I’m going to go have drinks and catch up with him and I don’t have the patience for someone to be upset about that. When I’m in my zone, I’m in my zone, whether it’s studying, working, or being around loved ones. So if I step out, I just want to relax and not have anyone making me feel bad for wanting to be by myself or for wanting to see about friends who I dearly care about. Yes, I have a lot of male friends and that factor about me is not something that will sit well to certain men. I’m a loyal lover at the very least, no matter how distant I may seem or how emotionally close off I may be, if I’m sleeping with you, I’m only sleeping with you. I don’t want to have to keep explaining my friendships with people or why I like my space.

Let me live. Be my friend, don’t try to be my anything else. If I see something in you that I feel would make a good lover, I’ll let you know in some way, and if that doesn’t happen, then just accept my kindness, funniness, and friendship. Be easy on that other stuff.

📍A man said he wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him I will stress him out because I don’t listen and I don't like sharing my bed. He said, “We can work around that.” - MEN DON'T LISTEN! 😫


In Georgia a father and daughter have been arrested after the father shot and killed his daughter’s boyfriend. Now, there’s always many sides to a story, but the news reports states that the daughter and the boyfriend where fighting, not sure if it was physical, but the daughter calls her father and so I guess that father wanted to protect his daughter and went to where his daughter was at with a loaded gun and shot the boyfriend. Now I take everything I read online with a grain of salt, especially with news reports like this. There used to be a high standard when it came to journalism and there’s prestigious school like Dartmouth University and Syracuse that focuses on helping students become great writers and reporters. Dartmouth was one of my considerations when I was in high school. Nowadays, people just put anything out there and it seems like is more for entertain that information value. What really caught my attention about this story was the daughter is only 22 years old a baby! And the father is 47 years old, still YOUNG. Now 3 lives have been forever altered for poor decision making.

I understand that father wanting to help his daughter, but to shoot and kill someone?! You are 47 years old, that’s still young to me, but old enough to know better and to maybe just get his daughter out of that situation insteading of shooting someone. Plus, I’m not sure how the daughter was raised, but to all parents out there, please raise your kids to have the ability to make decisions that don’t harm them, especially when it comes to relationships. Because much of the younger generation and mindsets today act like they don’t care what happens they’re just so caught up in what they feel at the moment without stopping to think about the consequences.

I pray my kids never put themselves in compromising situations like this, but I also know how I am raising my kids. They are not going to stay anywhere where they are not respected and valued. My kids resemble too many parts of my personality. Both are laid back, my daughter gets excitable about certain things, while my son just stays cool and quiet. My son is the one who doesn’t like to be bothered too much, he’ll come to you if he needs something, but for the most part, let him be and give him his space. And my daughter will tell you quick if she’s bothered, she will not hesitate to walk away.

I pray for the father and the daughter in this story. I also pray for the boyfriend’s family. It’s a sad situation all around. You’ve got to be very conscious on how you raise your kids and what you do around them. Many kids emulate what they see from their parents or whose around them and they either grow up to be the same or learn to be different. But damn, 47 years old and now your being charged for killing someone’s son? And at 22, you should be out enjoying your life, not face criminal charges over a situation you probably could have handled better. 47 and 22, there’s a difference in ages, but similar in mentality. Some people don’t mature with age, that’s why you see them doing things they should know better than to do. Let the kids be kids. If they are in a possibly dangerous situation, do what you can to get them out of it, but don’t get yourself trapped in it. And this goes for people who date other people 10-20 plus years younger than them, where is your mental to be entertained by this person, or have you yet to mature?

Be safe everyone.


Signs Of A Dying Relationship

“If you have to walk away, then do it with grace.”

I met someone the other evening when I was out. Don’t get too excited, he’s not a potential. We just had a nice conversation about life. He divulged to me that he was married, although he and his wife were separate all last year, but they decided to try to work things out. He revealed that he does not feel the same way about his wife anymore and is leaning towards divorce. I then proceeded to ask him: “Do you feel you’ve done everything you could to salvage your marriage? If the answer is No then you need to make an effort to do those things.” He thought about it and said, you’re right, I need to try harder. I don’t know if I’ll ever run into this man again, but I hope things do work out for the best for his marriage, no matter which way it goes.

I’d asked that same question to anyone else who is married and thinking of heading to divorce : “Did you do everything you could to make your marriage work?” We talk about a lot of things here, but I am a firm believer that when you get married, you made a promise, a commitment to be there for one another, so you need to do your best to be there for your spouse. Even if you have an open marriage or some sort of understanding in that nature, you still need to consider your spouse first, everyone else is just background noise.

I’m not saying that people should never get divorced, I am an example of divorce. I am saying that if there is still love there, love isn’t enough to make something work, it’s just a feeling, it’s just a chemical reaction. So whatever love you do still have, it needs to be enough to motivate you to make the effort to resolve issues in your marriage. You guys following me? Sometimes people take that “do what’s best for you” mantra in a selfish and unhealthy way. All these self-love and self-preservation affirmations are sometimes used to make you feel better about your decisions, and it’s not always a good practice of thinking especially when you make bad decisions. For instance, not caring what others think is not always the best way to behave. You should care about things and people, and you should do your best not to hurt people, especially if you are married. But, let’s step back a little bit, here are some signs of a dying relationship.

  • You spend less and less time together

  • Your conversations or very short and dry

  • Your conversations always lead to a disagreement

  • You or partner seem to be very secretive lately

  • You or your partner are not as affectionate as you used to be

  • When major things in your life happen, you don’t talk about it with your partner

  • You don’t say or hear “I love you” anymore

  • You or your partner are emotionally distant

I know this does not cover all the signs, but I believe any issue can be repaired if you make the effort to do so. If anyone here is married or is in a long-term relationship, and you’re 8-9 toes out of it, stop and think about the relationship, what you both want and come up with a solution that’s healthy for both of you. I have a friend who has been married maybe 4 or 5 years now and he recently got himself a girlfriend. I asked him if he saw that as sign that there are issues in his marriage. He said "No” and told me that he loves his wife and is not thinking about divorce, but sometimes he just needs a mental break from his marital life. He said the girlfriend knows about the marriage and where he stands with it and they just spend time around each other’s schedules.

He also shared that his parents did something similar where both of them had other companions outside of their marriage and what he learned from that was the value of discretion which is the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information. This is not the same as being distant or lying to someone. There’s an art to having discretion, some people know how to do it, others don’t. It’s more of a character trait that you cannot easily learn and people who practice discretion and are good at it are mostly likely to be the most trustworthy people you’ll know.

Should we count friendships into this? It is a type of relationship we have. The signs may be different but, whether we realize it or not, there is a type of dependency we have on our friendships. Sometimes we may look to our friends for guidance, comfort, or even just a break away from something. Having a boys night or a girls night is an outlet many of us use to help us alleviate or not think about the stresses in our lives. Our friendships can be just as important as the other relationships we have. So then what is the breaking point for a friendship. I have only consciously ended 1 friendship and it was based on a difference of values, and the friendship being one sided. It hurt me to end the friendship because I did consider her a good friend, but she shown me a mindset that I just could not agree with and it had a lot to do with her childhood insecurities that become her adulthood insecurities. I just got tired of coddling her insecurities and trying to help her feel better about herself and her choices. It’s one thing to so something that makes you happy, but it’s another thing to do something based on your insecurity or self-esteem issues. It was draining me and I had to walk away. That’s the only friendship I ever broke up from. It’s weird to say it like that, but that’s the reality of it.

And I am probably not the best person to be friends with if you do have self-esteem issues because Baby, my confidence will shine no matter what. And I’m not trying to sound full of myself. I may not get all the attention, but I do get noticed and I just don’t like being around people who use self-pity as a coping mechanism. I also don’t like people who bad mouth women because they feel inadequate around them. See, my self-esteem is built different. Don’t be mad at a woman for being pretty, be mad at yourself for being mad in the first place, because what’s really the problem? And if you’re worried about a man being interested in that another woman, that’s not the other woman’s issue, that’s an issue you need to take up with that man. I’m just saying, don’t misdirect your personal issues towards other people. That’s an insecurity trait.

We ultimately have to decide what is good for us, but when we are involved with other people, we should take a moment to consider them as well and figure out the type of relationship we want to have in comparison to the type of relationship it is right now. Aye, no one said it was easy being an adult, but here were are. We are the big people now. Let’s just do our best.

Be safe everyone.

PSA: A confident woman has the power to make you feel insecure. A mature woman has the humility to let her presence be known without doing or saying much. A bothered woman will be upset either way.


Sneaky Links

“Don’t be sneaky with how you feel. That’s a sucker move.”

You all just deboed my topics! I had another one ready to go, but now I’ve deivated a little. If any of you want to share your thoughts on anything, you can always send me a message. You are not required to share you name, your email, or any contact information. Nothing ties back to you if you want to remain anonymous. I have a lot of readers like that and I have some that share their names and emails because you want direct responses from me and I do not mind that either. I’m not here to just impose my ideas onto you. Like I said, there’s no guide book to life or how to navigate your connection, communication, or relationships with people. We let the Universe do what it does and make sure we take accountability just as much as we may try to blame others.

You guys gave me much feedback from the Situationship topic, and give me some more insight on Sneaky Links, I figured I go through that since it’s not my area of expertise and these are all fairly new terms because thrown around a lot lately. So I’m just going to share your thoughts on Sneaky Links. For the most part, you all say that Sneaky Links are JUST SEX. Not thing else. You say a Sneaky Link can become a Situationship and further become a relationship, but not the other way around. Like a Relationship can never become a Sneaky Link. Is this 100% accurate?

But my major question is, how do you not let a Sneaky Link get too far? In my opinion, sex can be very intimate and can cause unexpected emotions for each other? Is it realistic to disconnect certain human elements from sex? So if it’s just sex, that mean you two are not hanging out, you’re not making meaningful conversations, you’re not meeting friends or family, all you are doing is calling or sending a text message when you’re in the mood. Am I on the right track here?

Let me explore this outloud. Say I get myself into a Sneaky Link situation, how do I even make it clear that that’s what it is? Like do we plan to be at the same place, not acknowledge we know each other, but leave at the same time? Are we legit friends? Or is that not even important? Say if I’m at a bar and my Sneaky Link is also there, do I shoot him a text to let him know when I’m leaving? Or what if he is with someone? Do I still make some form of contact or do I assume nothing is happening that evening with him? I need to know these parameters! Where is the line drawn?

Or let’s say I have a long time friend, we do not speak to each other often or see each other often and we happen to run into each other. And say we’ve always had an attraction for each other but never acted on it and on the day we run into each other, we slip off to a hotel room. Everything with our friendship has always be good, so we don’t want to make this a routine thing and we don’t want to ruin our friendship, so we have an unspoken agreement that we just hookup if we run into each other and if we are both available. Am I sort of getting the picture?

I cannot say I see myself doing this, but I also won’t say that I’ll never consider it. First and foremost I have to be comfortable enough with the person to even entertain the thought of sex, as far as the dynamic of our relationship in regards to how well we do or do not know each other and the factors that may be affected, I guess a Sneaky Link would be unique to you and the other person. But then again, isn’t that the case with any form of relationship? Whether its a Sneaky Link, a Situationship, or an established Relationship, isn’t all of it unique to the people that’s in it?

I think at this point in my life, I don’t much care what the label is, I care more about how I’m treated. Be clear with me. Let me know what you want and what you don’t want and most importantly, let me know if any of that changes. Don’t have me thinking something is a certain way, but you change your mind and not tell me, so then I start to pick up on weird vibes because you didn’t know how to use your language skills. C’mon now, don’t be a chump. I think the biggest issue that two people can have is not communicating exactly what you feel, what you want, and what’s changed.

I’m going to give this topic a day or two to allow any additional feedback, then we’re moving on to the next subject.

Be safe everyone.


Signs of a Situationship

“If you don’t want to love me tomorrow, tell me today.”

I really enjoyed writing about this topic and getting your input on it. And I’m starting to learn that men are using what I’m saying here to go back and use in the women they are involved with to influence them into thinking in a way that more benefits the man. You all need to be shamed! And which one of you ladies are not picking up on this hack?! You should be shamed too!

So what is a “Situationship”? This term has sort of replace the idea of a casual relationship. A situationship by definition means: a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. (I’m sort of taken back this is in Google’s dictionary).

Mainly, it’s a person that you spend time with, treat differently from your other friends, and have sex with. It’s the makings of a relationship, but it’s not an actual committed relationship, like there’s no talks of living together, having babies or getting a pet. If you guys hang out together somewhere, you may look like a couple, but when asked, you just say you’re just friends. But there are also scenarios of people being in a situationship and could be on opposite ends of the room, but still end up together later on in the evening. And the reason for this is so that people don’t make assumptions. One of my previous lovers was a “Situationship” so I know what one looks like and feels like. There can be a lot of emotional blurriness. And there were times where I felt like he threw in the towel and left me hanging out to dry. That hurt. A lot. But as time passed my vision got clearer. We’re not going to get into all that, just know that my heart has been broken by a man who was my lover, but not my man. And I am not embarrassed to admit that.

Several of you get your input on how to identify a situationship:

  • Hotel Room Hook-Ups (possible “Sneaky Link”)

  • You’re only going to one person’s house

  • You only speak on certains days or at certain times

  • You do not introduce each other as your girlfriend/boyfriend

  • You do not spend major holidays together

  • You’ve not met their family (parents, kids, etc.)

  • One or both of you are Married (I think this one is a big indicator you’re in a situationship)

  • No one has said “I love you” (I’m not sure about this one, I said “I Iove you” to my situationship guy and he said it to me too.)

  • S/He doesn’t acknowledge you or he tried to avoid interacting with you too much in public. (possible “Sneaky Link”)

  • You’ve not been on an official date.

  • You don’t talk about a future together.

  • One of you says “Let’s just see how this goes.”

Situationships CAN work just as good as normal relationships as long as there is full understanding from both parties. I also think situationship can become relationships and relationships can turn into situationships. I have a friend who is currently upset with me because he feels I am an interference to his alleged situationship. Although, this is not confirmed information because he claims nothing is going on with anyone while she is singing a different tune 🙄. But, let me not be facetious, I don’t want to seem like I’m being dismissive of his feelings, if he’s upset, he has the right to his emotions or if he’s upset because someone else is upset then that’s another factor for him to work through. Again, I'm not trying to be impartial to his feelings, I’m just not going to avoid rationale.

Here’s a token for all of you: If your mere presence makes other people uncomfortable, Baby, that's not a you problem, that's a them problem. Men are obscure sometimes and they can also be sensitive about things and not know how to handle pressure, give them time and patience. I was raised by a man and I’m the eldest of my siblings, I always had to be strong and keep a poker face. But I’ve cried in front of men before, actually I left an emotional voicemail for someone the other day. I didn’t intend to get emotional, I just wanted to share clarity, but as I keep talking and thinking about different scenarios, I just start bawling. A few hours after I left the message, I kept think, Oh goodness, this person is going to hear it, think I’m a loser and be cold hearted about it. But again, nothing I am ashamed to admit doing because sometimes we have to be that person who wants things to be better and in order to do that, sometimes we need to make the first step and do things we normally would not do...that’s just my conscious and spirit talking just in case any of you are having a little rocky moment with someone.

Anyways, Situationships can be great or they can be ummm not so great. It’s all on how to start it, maintain it, and end it that determines its value. Because I do not plan to get married again, I have to be realistic about possible relationships or situationships. So it’s best to start with your deal breakers, then your standards, and then feel out who marks off those checkboxes. But keep in mind, people are not perfect and they are unpredictable, so not everyone will check off every box, or if they do in the beginning, they may not mark off those same boxes at the end.

I think that’s why more and more people are getting into these Situationships because the level of commitment is different. What are your thoughts?


Repressed and Suppressed

“Sometimes You’ve Just Got To Give People Their Fair Shot And See If They Can Make It.”

Question for you guys. I want to think this out loud with you all. Have you ever kept your feelings for someone to yourself, or have you ever suppressed issues with some in order to keep things the way they are? How did that work out?

Something occurred recently with me and someone else, and the person said something in the heat of the moment that made me think that there's a repressed issue between us that this person is holding on to. And I didn't quite understand it because if everything was fine between this person and I, then why is there an issue?

I thought about my relationship with this person some more and slowly realized that there's been things I've never shared with this person, and I probably should have when I was in that moment. I started to write it all down, and holy shit it's a lot. I keep going back and forth on whether I should share this with the person or not because I don't want them to feel attacked or caused them to have other issues. I also don’t want the person to think my repressed feelings are what I feel now. Looking at everything, I had some built-up resentment. And I'm thinking to myself, "Fck, why didn't I say this when I was feeling it?"

In psychology, repressed emotions refer to emotions that you unconsciously avoid. These differ from suppressed emotions, which are feelings you purposely avoid because you don't know exactly how to deal with them.

But I think me holding on to it may be the reason why I act the way I do towards this person, and if I just let it out, it will be weight off my shoulders. And I don't know if this person will look at it and think,"Well damn, this makes a lot of sense now." Or they'll look at it and think, "This is a waste of my time." But if it's going to help me release pain that I didn't know I was carrying, shouldn't I just go ahead and let it out. I have no clue how this person will react, if they'll be mean about it or if they'll be conscience of what I’m doing. I know I'm very stubborn, and it doesn't help that this person is just as stubborn.

I'm a highly intelligent woman, and I have an analytical mind. If I were on the outside looking in, I'd tell myself to just say it and be prepared for any fallback form the person, be prepared for the worst, and be prepared for their defense. When you share something, you can only control what you say, not how the person understands it. There's an indirect third party who wants this person, and I just hash out the differences and get along. And I want that too, but I feel like there is going to be some explosive before we get to the other side. Or I could be wrong and this will have a more positive outcome. Ugh, being an adult is a hard sometimes especially when dealing with other adults. Because at any point both of us could be like, "I've got more important shit to deal with." And everything stays as it is. The thing with repressed and suppressed issues is that it becomes a cancer within you and it can get worse and affect other parts of your life.

I know I'm being very cryptic, I just don't want to share the particulars because it may be considered sensitive. If you guys have any experience with something similar, please share it.


Questions (8)


Got Questions for Me? Send Them HERE.

(You are not required to share your name or email.)

So I've got a little time today and decided to answer some of your messages.

1. How do you tell someone that you want to be with them without ruining the friendship?

This one is a little hard, and there's really no right answer. You have to be willing to let go of the friendship if the other person doesn't have the same feelings for you. Because once that cat is out of the bag, there's no going back. 💝

2. I'm trying to plan something for my girl, what's a good date night idea?

The answer to this is based on what she likes. Does she like getting dressed up and going out? Does she like gifts? Does she like affection? A good date night for me is a man letting me know he wants to treat me to dinner and to wear something nice. He picks me up and gives me flowers, we go to a nice quiet restaurant and possibly a lounge afterwards. By the end of the night I'll be excited for adult activities. 💦

3. How are your previous lovers doing?

There's really only one who I really still communicate with. Poppa is not Poppa-ing right now. He's doing some things. And I'm going to touch base with him later. I'll just going to leave it at that. 🤣

4. What's your career?

I'm an HR professional. I've been doing it for 12 years now. I'm certified and have degrees relating to the field. I also freelance my expertise. Making as much money as I can because ain't nothing cheap these days. 🤑

5. What do you think about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce?

I'm happy for them. They're both at the top of their careers, and they seem to support each other and enjoy each other's company. 🎤

6. What's a secret about yourself no one knows?

Well, I can tell any of those because then everyone will know. But I'll share something interesting about myself: I'm a sensitive lover. I like love songs. I like being complimented, thought of, and feel loved. Also, when I'm really into someone, I want them to be happier than me, so I tend to make extra efforts to make them happy. 💕

7. What's something you'd tell you're 25 year old self if you could?

Ummm, I don’t think I'd tell her anything because all of my decisions and experiences in life got me here, and I like where I'm at. ️🌞

8. Do you think it's a good idea to get back with your ex?

I think it depends on the 2 people. If you want to get back together then go for it. Even if it was a casual thing and you 2 stopped fooling with each other for a while but want to start up again. It's up to you. The only thing that would make it a bad idea is if the person is a bad influence and doesn't make you feel 'seen'. Then no, don't do it. 🩷

Is He Gay?

“I rather you be the best version of you so I can show you the best version of me.”

One of you ladies sent me a message expressing your discernment about a man you're interested in. The woman states that she gets frustrated when the man seems to rather want to hang out with his friends over spending time with her. And makes a claim of him being gay because he wants to be around men over being around a woman.

This is an interesting topic. But let’s start be recognizing that the gay community is more accepted and prominent these days. Let’s also be mindful not to make assumptions when something does not seem clear to us. I do not know if the man in reference is gay or not, the reader mainly said he spends time with his guy friends more than he spends time with her. In my experience with men, I don’t think a man planning to be around his friends a lot is a red flag for gay behavior. I think as individuals we create camaraderie with people who align more with who we are or who we aspire to be. Are women not the same way? You constantly see women in groups of 2 or more. I think it is great for men to have a strong group of friends he feels comfortable around. Isn’t that the main idea of fraternities and sororities? They are organizations that follow certain standards, values, and beliefs. So if a man has that with his friends, what’s the problem?

I have several guy friends who hang out together and I always mention how I love their support for each other and how I admire them keeping in touch and getting together as often as they can. So to the reader, I am not sure of all the details of your relationship with the man, but have you considered the following:

  • He is not exclusive with you to want to spend more time with you

    • This may not necessarily mean that he is seeing other women, but maybe he is still figuring things out within himself to decide if you are someone he wants to spend more time with.

  • The things you two do when you are together isn’t something he wants to do routinely

    • Think about what you do when you’re together. For women quality time holds different weight than it does for men. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to them, they just don’t need it as much especially if the relationship is already confirmed. *Men who are career or business oriented are like this.

  • He just wants to be around his boys and talk about things he can’t speak of around you

    • Sometimes boys just need to be boys. If he has a good group of friends, he may need to see them often to stay grounded or to keep him on the track of being the best version of him.

Although, as always, you should rely on your intuition. If you feel something isn’t right, then there’s probably something happening that’s not in your favor. You can always give people the benefit of the doubt, but you have to identify what type of communication and relationship you want to have with someone. And you may have to accept some hard truths if someone turns out to be a person you won’t be with long term. I’ve learned to accept people as they are with what they show me and place them in my life according to what I know. Everyone I interact with holds some value to me, no matter how often or less I speak with them.

Everyone I have come across has imprinted onto me and has contributed to my growth in some way. I am around more men than I am around women and I pay attention to people, what they talk about, how they carry themselves, how they behave, and if they act differently around certain people. I don’t initially think there is anything “gay” about a man spending a lot of time with his boys if that’s the only concern. I think it’s needed, just like women sometimes need to be around or confide with other women. And trust me sometimes when all the boys are together, we don’t need to be among those conversations. Sometimes a man may say something around his friends or people who have known him longer than you, it can make your mind wonder about his character or make you have more questions. I say, just let him have his time with his friends, but also let him know that you would like to spend more time with him and see if he makes any adjustments for you, then go from there.

Be safe everyone.


My Funny Valentine

“I’ll never be foolish for loving you. I’m just foolish for how long I loved you.”

Let me start by saying, I do not have a Valentine, I do not plan to have one, it’s not even in my thoughts. I think if I were involved with someone, I may take interest to it, but for now, no. And I am not against people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and do grand gestures for their partners, by all means if it is important to you or if it makes your person happy, then make the most of it.

Although, don’t be one of those women who wants to be treated special on that day and that day comes around and the man who they thought they are with doesn’t even acknowledge it. If that happens, then Sweetheart, he doesn’t see you like that or you are more into him than he is into you. If you are in a relationship or similar and your companion likes acts of admiration, then you should do something special for them. I mean, if I was with someone, I’d want him to make a little extra effort for me. Even if I started talking to someone tomorrow, yes, it’s new so I would not expect him to go over the top, but maybe a nice dinner or something simple.

Some of my guy friends are the sweetest though, they know I’m fully single so they’ll send me a Happy Valentine’s Day message or call me to say something nice. My guy friends are silly, a lot of times when I am hanging out one on one with any of them, people assume we are a couple and my friends just go with it and some of them will make up a whole story about how we met and just run with it! I let them have their fun. It’s very endearing when they do silly things like that, in a way it lets me know they care about me and that whatever my status is, I am never alone in anything. I value that.

But come February 14th, if I’m sitting by myself somewhere, don’t for one moment think that I am unhappy, that my life isn’t fulfilled, or that I am lonely. None of those things are a factor. You can be sure that my self-esteem is healthy, my happy is high, and my peace is stable. I can be surrounded by couples and still not feel out of place. The only thing I am weary of is PDA (public displays of affection). I’m okay with sitting close, cheek or forehead kisses, or even a quick lip kiss. I’m even okay with him putting his hand on my legs or rubbing my thighs or leaning on me, but I am a little too modest to do anything more than that, with the exception of going out of town. Because when you’re out of town, you do know anyone and it’s just you and your person or close knit friends, so I may be a little more affectionate in public, but when I am in my home cities where people know me or recognize me, I don’t like people in my business. Sometimes people will speculate, ask questions, and create a certain image of you. And many of you might say, “Well it’s doesn’t matter what other people think.” That’s only realistic in certain circumstances. For the most part people see me carry myself as a well-dress, friendly, respectable woman and I don’t want to taint that image. When you step out of the house, you represent yourself. What I do behind closed doors is my business, but if I am seen out with a man kissing and hugging on him, I open myself up to the public’s opinion. So I cannot be upset if people were to have questions or get defensive about it because I allowed my personal life it to be seen.

I will say this, but with extreme discretion, there’s one person I talk mess to every now and then, but he’s not hearing me. Bless his heart. I don’t say anything too crazy, and I never say anything in front of other people. I could whisper something slick in his ear, but I’m still nervous of someone hearing me, so I stick to my level of comfort. I don’t act up in front of company with him. I keep it just between us and I don’t even have his full name saved in my phone just to avoid the possibility of someone trying to look over my shoulder at who I’m texting. I try to be as discrete as I can. There’s this one line I’ve been wanting to say to him, but it would need to be triggered by something he says for me to say it. So he may never hear it. And in relation to this this, if he were to call my bluff one of these days, I can honestly say that I have come to an accepting point in my life where I have no idea what decision I would make until it’s presented to me, but one thing I am certain of is that I will not do anything that I am not comfortable doing. I’m at least comfortable with this person enough to say certain things, but putting that into action is something different, I do not know which choice I’d make. Either way, it’ll have to be a practical choice, because nothing of the heart ever makes sense and I’ve learned that lesson over and over again, so the mind needs to make sense of it. And that’s my stance on a lot of things right now.

Any of you who have Valentine’s Day plans, I hope you enjoy it. I’m happy for you. Actually, let me share my Lover’s Playlist with you. It’s on YouTube music. There’s over 100 songs on it and I keep adding to it. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t, but here it is if you want to listen to it: SLOW DOWN Playlist. If you don’t have a sweetheart, I’m still happy for you and the playlist is still good for you. Don’t let people get in your ear about being alone on Valentine’s Day and making you feel bad about yourself. No, we don’t do the self pity around here. We do what’s in our best interest and we make the most of it.

I’m not opposed to loving someone or letting someone love me, I just have to be comfortable with everything and whatever compromises there are, it has to not take me away from my vision. Nothing can be strong on a bullshit foundation. If a man is just going to bullshit me and gaslight me about his bullshit, then he needs to like me from a distance. We're adults, we work, we pay bills, we pay taxes, we've got responsibilities, so why would anyone want to put a filter on who they are or what they've got going on in their lives? I’m young enough to still have a full life ahead of me, but I’m also passed the point to not be wasting time with anyone who doesn’t get it.

You cannot build on a hollow foundation.

Be safe everyone.


I'm Good

“Being mature in theory is not the same as being mature in practice.”

Many of your are trying to talk me into just getting out there and having a little fun with someone, trust me, some of my friends are doing the same. It’s not falling on deaf ears. I get what you are saying, but I do have fun anytime I step out. Although, you want to have me out here playing around with some man. I just can’t do it, well I could, but I won’t. I just can’t open up and be out here with some random man. There’s levels to this B.

He has to meet me intellectually. He has to meet me professionally. And he had to meet me maturelly. Yeah, I could go and have my way with someone, but that doesn’t gratify my soul. I’m not an instant gratification type of person. I like to have fun, but not the type of fun that will have me waking up next to a stranger or next to someone who I shouldn’t be intimate with. I was talking to a friend I’ve known for many years and we were discussing different with men and women dating at certain levels. I made the comment, I believe some older men have affinities for younger women because younger women make them feel more wanted and needed because those women are still working up to what a more mature woman may have already achieved, so she needs a sense of co-dependency with a man.

My friend added to that by saying younger women “go after” it more because that’s where their heads are at and they have yet developed parameters for themselves. Whereas older women, most of them, know what they like and they may deviate from that depending on how interested they are in the man, but for the most part they stay in the neighborhood of what they prefer. My friend also told me he recently went on a guys trip out of the country and the met a few women. Now pay attention to this next part…

My friend is older than I am and he said the women they met were very pretty, very friendly, and seemed very eager, BUT they were young. He said he would have been in trouble if one of them were at least in her 30s. He said even though they were very attractive and fun, he didn’t find interest in taking it further with any of them, and that just meeting and hanging out with beautiful women was enough. And you know what, I can appreciate a man who understands the different between superficial lust vs. tangible attraction. I can appreciate a man who can see a gorgeous woman, no matter what age, and just leave it at that and not see a pretty face and think, “Huh, maybe something could happen with her." You can be up in age and still roll with the punches, but you also need to understand the emotional intelligence of people at different ages. More importantly, you don’t need to be for everyone. Experiences can make a person more mature, but life lessons and good life skills come with age and self-reflection and the willingness to make improvements.

I admire men who can look at themselves and identify what they are attracted to, but can differentiate a substance base interest vs an unsubstantial interest.

I told my friend about the 25 year old I befriended last year and I told him the young man didn’t have much tact when speaking with me. Even though he had a professional career, lived on his own, and had achievable goals, his language and competency of life experiences was only relative to his age, his environment, and who he chose to be around. And that’s no fault to him. I can’t expect someone in their 20s to have that same knowledge of life that I have. Because as you age, you are supposed to go through experiences that can change your lenses on how to make decisions, how you carry yourself, and how you act towards people. And with that being said, recently a different young man sat next to me while I was having a drink and struck up a conversation with me. He was a cutie, and had a respectful vernacular, but with my experience with the last young man in his 20s, I just left it as a nice conversation about went about my evening. I’m no going to play games with anyone who I know is attracted to me any may try to push their luck. Especially when they just met me or don’t know me too well. Plus, from hearing stories from girlfriends who dabble in the tadpole pool, they say the young ones only have one speed 👀😬😳. I can’t work with that. I need a lover to know how to switch gears 😅. Although, some older men stick to one speed too 🙄😒.

I’m good either way. I don’t need anyone disrupting my focus or expecting more than I can give. Whenever and whomever I chose to get close to will have to be the creme-de-la-creme (well at least in my eyes, because it is all based on perception), and he will value me in the current realm of who I am, and I will value him in the current realm of who he is and we’ll go from there. Until then, I’ll be in my own business enjoying friends, family, and myself.

Be safe everyone.


Options Aren't Really Options

“When your mind is disciplined, your body will be too.”

The idea that you have so many options as far as romantic partners has some fallacy behind it. Although, there may be many possibilities of choices, it doesn’t mean they are actual options. For instance, a willing high school student isn’t an option for an adult who is not looking to be arrested and charged with sexual abuse of a minor. But let’s look at this in another way. For me, anyone I directly work with is not an option. Anyone under 35 is not an option. Anyone without their own transportation or living space is not an option. And this isn’t because I am high maintenance, it is more so why would you have not secured certain essentials? I guess this would be more of what you prefer, but I do prefer someone who has the main essentials in life. I think it also has to do with priorities as well and maybe a little bit of how you were raised or what was taught to you as far as what is important to have.

Much like in my last post about maintaining a good pH balance, I shared that I’ve not been intimately involved with anyone and that’s by choice, not because no one has shown interest. Due to what my life is like right now, with work, growing my freelance business, my studies, and the dynamics of my family obligations, I have a lot on my plate right now and I do not know of any man who will be patient and understanding of that, which leaves me to having “no options” for intimate companions. Especially with regards to my academics. I knew that the courses would get more involved as I progressed further. I just started my Spring term 2 weeks ago and only 3 more to go! I am so close it makes me feel anxious and excited. And I don’t need some man downplaying my goals and my lack of availability because I'm trying to reach higher. I’ve barely spoken to any of my friends the last few weeks because I've been spending most of my free time reading, writing, and preparing for the next phase of my research. I'm not trying to wait until the last term to get everything done, so I'm serious about my time right now. I’ll breakout every now and then to hang out with people, but I still need to stay focused.

And like I mentioned several times, I am choosy with who I allow to see me in a certain light. The practice of remaining celibate wasn’t something I planned, it’s just how it’s playing out because of my standards and boundaries.

I am not suggesting anyone to be the same way, do what works best for you. But, I rather not waste my time or play games with some 20-something year old just for quick thrills. No, I’ve got to see something in you other than just a few common interest and sex. There’s plenty of young men who want to see more about me, but I know there’s nothing that will come of it, so I don’t even play with the thought. If I was the cheap thrills type of person or had a one night stand type of mentality, I’d probably be thinking about all of this differently, but I’m not like that, so here we are. And I not saying I require a serious relationship. No, but I do require someone to be serious about me, if that makes any sense. He does not have to revolved his life or decisions around me, but I’d appreciate consideration for me when he is doing something or planning to do something that may affect me whether positively or negatively.

Ladies we have to take accountability for our decisions just as much as we expect men to do it. A very attractive man or woman may have plenty of people wanting their attention, but YOU decide who gets it and the type of person or the caliber of person you decide to choose can say a lot about who you are. You can have a great connection with anyone, but you've got to be emotionally intelligent enough and self-aware enough to not get too wrapped up in someone who:

1. Can't or won't understand what you want or trying to do.

2. Manipulate you into feeling guilty about your personal goals or standards.

3. Wants to be with you to benefit off your status or success

4. Doesn't see you as an equal person and doesn't consider your happiness and comfort

5. Someone who isn't emotionally intelligent and self-aware themselves who won't acknowledge their flaws to better themselves for the sake of being a better person.

I've seen my friends get involved with certain types of people and I think, oh that was a vulnerable choice and it never lasts for them, but I don't say anything because sometimes people get defensive when you point out their deficiencies, because they don't want to believe they make poor decisions because they've gotten their emotions too involved with someone who doesn't align well with them. Like I said, you can have a great connection with anyone, but you don't have to emotionally or intimately connect with them. But hey, that's your choice and sometimes we need to make the wrong ones to learn and eventually make the right ones. But remember, everyone who's interested in you doesn't mean they're an option for you.

Be safe everyone.


How's Your pH?

“Sometimes staying away from what you want isn’t the hard part, it’s being near what you want that can be difficult.”

Hey ladies, let’s talk. So what's your pH balance doing these days? I know I’ve discussed this before and I’m going to keep discussing it because your vaginal or Hello Kitty health is important and it needs to be a priority to you. So fellas, this may not be a topic for you, but if you stick around you might learn something useful.

If there are any young ladies here who isn't full knowledgeable about vaginal discharge, depending on the color and consistency, vaginal discharge can be healthy. And if your discharge bleaches your underwear, that's a positive thing because that indicates you have good pH balance. And that's why the recommendation is that you buy new underwear every 3-6 months. For me, I’m change mine ever 2-3 months because 1. I’m serious about my Hello Kitty and 2. I’ve not been letting anyone play with my Hello Kitty for _____ years. Let’s just say a very long time. I've not allowed anyone to come swim in my pool. It's been closed and locked. So I definitely have good vaginal health going on right now. 😆😇

Vaginal discharge can often stain/bleach your underwear because it is naturally acidic. The vagina has a 'good' bacteria called lactobacilli which keeps it healthy by maintaining optimal acidity levels and preventing bad bacteria from causing infection. When this discharge is exposed to air, it oxidises causing it to bleach your underwear. So when you notice something off with your discharge, pay attention and if you're having sex with someone, my best suggestion is to hold off until you get your pH back in order. But your grown, do what you want. I'm just saying, if there's something going on with my pH and I've been having sex with someone, then he's no properly taking care of his personal health or maybe hygiene because a man’s bad hygiene can definitely cause nasty bacteria for you.

Sex to me is very personal. I’m sharing my body with someone so I prefer to be very selective and that's the biggest reason why I don't have a long list of sexual partners. Listen, the one time I did something out of character and thought I was going to have a one night stand, it ended up being a thing for 8-9 years. 😆 That gentleman and I are still social, he's not seen my naked in a while, but I really thought the day I met him was going to be the last day I saw him. Yeah, so apparently when I tried to do something I’m not used to doing I still end up staying who I am 😂. And I think I told him that the day I met him, I made several decisions I normally wouldn't make. I don't know if he believed me, but that's my truth.

But back to having a healthy pH balance, it’s a new year ladies, if you haven't paid much attention to your Kitty's health, it’s time to start. You’ve got to keep her clean. Just like how you would clean and take care of your face, you've got to put in that same effort with her. I shared the oils I used in a previous post and I share it again below along with an oil mix for your face, but you can also use the V Mix for your face too.

There's no particular measurement, I just use the dropper and mix 2 to 3 full droppers of each oil into the bottle. I consistently use this oil mixture daily, just like how you would use lotion on other parts of your body, the Kitty needs lotion too.

In a small dropper bottle, mix the following:

https://amzn.to/3SiZqyN (Purchase Glass Dropper Bottles)

”V” Oil Mix:

  • Sesame Oil

  • Argan Oil

  • Jojoba Oil

  • Tea Tree Oil

Face/Eyes Oil Mix

  • Almond Oil

  • Rosehip Oil

  • Castor Oil

  • Tea Tree Oil


My Boyfriend Is A Great Husband To His Wife

“You can either be right or you can get what you want, but you can’t have both.”

I was hoping we would not have this topic so early into the year, but here we are. One of you sent me a message saying how you found someone and love everything about him. You discussed all the things you do together and what you talk about and then at the end of the message you say he’s married with kids. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised anymore, but somehow I still am when I learn of things like this. And the part that really caught me off guard was how you spoke about how much you admire the wife. She’s has her own business and positive influence to the community, I don’t think you mentioned if you know the wife personally or if you were friends with her, but for her sake and for your sake, I hope not. But this also makes me wonder why some men have affairs with women who are not of the same makeup as their wives. I guess maybe this eliminates them from running into each other or being in the same social circles, or I think the reality of it is a woman of a lesser stature shows more desire to men, like she wants the life or the experience she doesn’t yet have or will ever have. And from what I have experienced, men like to be desired. I’m not mad at that, we all like to know someone is interested in us.

And men are visual beings, they like seeing what is appealing to them and if a man has a woman who is constantly showing her interest towards him, it peaks his interests too. If he has a wife who works a lot or he is with a woman who has many obligations, she probably isn’t as accessible as a woman who isn’t at the same levels. But to be fair, there are men who are in relationships with highly established women and have no interest in allowing someone to take her place, he just maybe dabbles here and there without affecting the relationship he cares most about. And I can applaud that type of man; he already has something great, but every now and then, he just lets his other instincts play out. Honestly, that’s not something I’d be overly upset about, as traditional as my views and morals can be.

I’m adaptable, if it’s not affecting my health or making me second guess his feelings for me, or negatively changing the status of our relationship, then I’m not going to add unnecessary stress to my thoughts. Just don’t do anything foolish in front of me, like don’t do something to make me wonder if the woman who keeps smiling at you is going home with you or not. If I’m in the same space as you regardless if it was planned or not and we are sleeping with each other or at the very least have shown interest for each other, then respect my presence and don’t show me something that will make me think little of you; and that’s usually where men fail when it comes to being involved with me.

If you are new here, I’ve not been in a lot of relationships or had many partners. When I was in my 20s I was married and having kids, so I wasn't really exposed or aware of the types of things going on in other relationships, I was mainly focused on my own household, but I’m not naive to what happens in relationships, I’ve just not had a lot of experiences in that subject matter. And I never had that “Hoe Phase” that maybe could have shown me how different situations can be.

Sidebar, I asked someone if I should have a Hoe Phase and he told me that if it’s not in your character than you’re not going to be comfortable with acting like that. He also said that too many people glorify it and take it too far and make it part of who they are, not realizing it can be damaging to your views of people or even your relationships. He says if you're going to have a Hoe Phase, then keep it at that and there's a certain level of maturity and understanding one needs to have so that phase doesn't break your spirits about love, whether it’s loving other people or loving yourself. So in conclusion to this sidebar, it's safe to say, I will NOT be entertaining any kind of Hoe Phase. And trust me, I’m not mad about it, and I don’t feel I’ll be missing anything substantial either. I think I’ve just always been particular about who I’m intimate with. I know there are so many people my age and younger who have surpassed my body count or have more sexual experience than I do, and I’m okay with that.

But let’s get back to this dating while married thing. Is everyone doing this? Is this the common trend now? Is marriage not the same anymore or has this always been happening? I will say this, there have been stories that one of my older relatives had affairs outside of the marriage, but still maintain the original home and family without any major issues. So it’s not that I am not accepting this concept , and I am far beyond passing judgments. I’ve witnessed matters like this over and over again, and I’ve always said, Women know who they marry.

I think an ideal situation for a single woman if she was choosing to date a married man, is if the man himself is separated or not living with the wife and is only still in the marriage for tangible reasons. I think that could be a workable situation, even though morally questionable. And in this type of situation, I also think the wife should know of the woman, maybe not meet her, but at least know of her, just to have some type of distant understanding of everyone. Although, if a woman is just having fun and not wanting a significant relationship, then I suppose the status of a man’s marriage would not matter at all.

I think where there is love there is also chaos, I guess you just have to be aware of the chao you cause directly or indirectly and be good at managing the chaos. I’ve already made it clear that I have no plans to be married again, but that doesn’t mean I cannot love people or have deep feelings for them. It just means that whoever I do decide to love will have to know what my limitations and boundaries are with consideration of his limitations and boundaries too.

Be safe everyone.


Oh, Hey Ms. Independent

“Women aren’t made to be understood. They are made to be loved.” - Oscar Wilde

Question for all of you: What do you consider being independent?

Here's my definition. Someone who is independent relies on themselves and utilize resources to help themselves get through an obstacle. An independent person doesn't lean on anyone else to help them financially. Your car, your insurance, your meals, your home etc. Now, there may be some confusion with people who have roommates, some may need a roommate due to financial reasons or if someone can afford to live alone, but rather share a space with someone, maybe someone who is financially independent, but not emotionally or socially independent.

A person who maybe financially independent, may still need to depend on others for other types security and validation, like they cannot be alone or they constantly need people around them to feel comfortable and important. And I think this is what my Auntie was telling me about not being so independent. I am so used to doing things myself that any inkling of someone who isn't a family member wanting to be there for me, I get so guarded. I didn't even depend on my ex-husband fully.

I also think independent people are also very private people, but don’t hold me to this because I cannot speak for everyone. I just think that people who have come up on their own, don’t include too many people in their decision making or different aspects of their lives. For instance, people may see me out being social and having fun. They may know of me, but they don’t know much about me. They may think I go out all the time or that my life is full of leisure activities, when actually I’m in the house most nights and my leisure activities consist of listening to one of my playlist or watching old movies. But people may have certain ideas of me because of their particular interaction with me. Although, I think at the very least, people see that I am a happy person who is easy to talk to.

I do think that being too independent can be a crutch because you have become so conditioned to only trusting yourself and only a select few people. I lean on myself fully, if there’s someone I need assistance with, my first call is to my father, after that it all depends on what I need and who I know that may have the knowledge or tools to help me. Although, this can interfere with your relationships. So I like to go to places by myself most times and if I run into people, then I run into them, but my girlfriends hate that I am like this. They always get on me about not being alone, but I do not see it like that. While my guy friends fully understand my purpose for this. So with guys that I have been involved with, there were times I would not reach out for days at a time or step out without inviting them. I meant no harm by it, it’s just what I am comfortable with doing. Or in another aspect, I have not always been great with asking them about their day and keeping routine conversations going with them and again, I meant no ill intent, and it also did not mean I was not thinking of them, I just am so used to my own daily routines and tasks.

I believe when you are in a relationship or have any sort of intimate involvement with someone, there is a subconscious expectation of you. You are expected to say certain things, change certain things, and act a certain way. And I completely understand that, but what if you are already kind of set into your life and like how it is, how much are you willing to adjust for the sake or health of your relationship? So this is something that I have not been well versed in because I still kept my walls up in previous dealings with men and never fully let them in. So I guess a man having patience is what will work best for me and knowing how to explain things to me to help my see why having someone could bring value or be a benefit to my life in several ways and actually acting on that.

Although, with everything that I have done and continuing to do for myself, having a man with the same mindset would be ideal, but he’d have his set routines and ways about him too. At what point would we know to make changes for each other? I’m not saying I require us to integrate all parts of our lives with one another, but for us to balance and comprehend each other we would need to let each other in, aside from just stepping passed the doorway. I think this is why I avoid getting too involved with someone, because when I do take time to think about all of this, it’s a lot. And I am still on the mode of not wanting a partner and having a companion instead who understands that I like and need my space to be able to be the best me, but to also be a man of his action and appreciating the woman I am without making me feel bad or being inconsiderate of my feelings, time, and space.

I’m harmless, a man should not be scared of me, but in the same breathe, I’m not the easiest person to be involved with and I fully admit that. I have my life set in place and that is a result of who I am and who I have become. Maybe I’ll come across someone who will know just exactly how to open me up without making me feel I’m giving up too much of myself and still makes me feel supported and understood. Although, there’s a part of me who thinks this too much of an expectation for anyone, so I do even bother letting anyone try. So yeah, I see it, being too independent can be a problem whether you are a woman or a man.

Be safe everyone.


Is Destiny Already Set Or Do You Create It?

“I’m not always focused on what happens next, if what’s happening now is making me happy.”

How many of you studied Greek Mythology? There's endless stories about the Gods and Goddesses of Greece.

For instance, the story of Oedipus, his father sent him away when he was born because a prophet told him that his son would overthrow him and take over his kingdom and marry his wife. After Oedipus was grown up a prophet told him that if he wanted to be king then he needed to go to the castle and kill the first person he saw. Well, in the story, when Oedipus is heading to the castle, the guards were there to protect it and when the king realized it was his son that he sent away and regretted doing so, he ran ahead of the guards, but as the prophet stated, Oedipus had to kill the first person he saw, who ended up being the king, and therefore he became the new king and married the queen who ended up being his mother. After learning the truth about who his parents were Oedipus took his own eyes out and lived the rest of his life unable to see. The moral is supposed to be that you cannot control your own destiny, it plays out how it’s supposed to.

In another myth, Sisyphus tries to cheat death and Zeus punishes him by making him push a heavy boulder up the hill and if he pushes it over the hill, Sisyphus is free, but something always happens to the rock when it reached the top of the hill and it rolls back down to the bottom. So in this story, Sisyphus created his own destiny by trying to trick or deceive people.

This is not to say we do not have free-will. We are still able to make our own choices, but our decisions determine how may lessons we will learn along the way. We will aways get from point A to point B, but the unknown variable is what happens in that journey between the two points. And once we reach point B, the next marker in our destiny is point C. But let’s put all this into perspective. Let’s say I was destined to be a doctor of education. My point A is where I began in my studies and my point B is my degree. I’m still on this journey, so how I get from A to B is a combination of big decisions, failures, distractions and so on.

Let’s use my romantic relationships. I could say each man is a point in my life, or let’s use the word chapter in this case. The man I had kids with would probably be the most complex chapter due to the fact I was at an age where I was make big adult decisions before I was mentally ready to. And my previous lovers they would be different points or chapters of my life, and the decisions I made determined how I met them and what type of dynamic relationship I had with them. And if we are relying on destiny, I was always going to meet them, I just didn’t know how or when and the things that happen between me and them is what wasn’t set in stone.

The big lesson here is that you have to take life as is comes, because it’s coming regardless, and whether or not you believe in destiny, the things you do based on the choices you make are what’s going to determine if whether you need more time at your current point, or if you’ve already learned and grown enough at this step to move on to the next step. I know I am speaking in a lot of metaphors and philosophies and I am not saying to think of this my way. The points in your life may be different, or your chapters may have different categories. I encourage you to digest all of this in a fashion where you ask yourself:

  • With everything I am doing right now, where am I still struggling or where am I stuck?

  • Do I keep getting into the same types of relationships?

  • Do the people I care about know that I care about them?

  • Am I mistreating anyone?

  • Am I asking for what I want?

  • Am I equipped to handle what I want?

  • Do I keep my word?

  • Do I really forgive or do I still hold grudges?

  • Am I healed or am I still holding on to the past?

  • Am I learning from my setbacks?

  • Am I aware when I am being vulnerable?

  • Are my vulnerabilities welcoming positive change or stress?

  • Can I go to sleep tonight knowing I did my best to be a good person?

Again, I’m not telling you to think like me, come up with your own values of life and what everything means to you. I do not know if I fully believe in destiny, but at times when I am struggling, believing in destiny keeps my mind hopeful. However I do believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, even if I don’t understand the reason and maybe things happening for a reason is part of our destiny.

Be safe everyone.


My Christmas Wish

“Kids make mistakes. Adults make decisions.”

Merry Holidays everyone! Anyone getting together with family and other loved ones this week? What about holiday wishes? Was there anything that you wished or prayed for?

I sort of have an image of how I want my 2024 to be. I’m going to continue to stay focused on my dissertation and develop it more. I’m going to make more time for my dear friends. I’m going to workout more often. And I’m going to do more things that make me smile.

As far a what I wish for, there’s a few items in particular that aren't really tangible.

First, I wish I can figure out what my dreams are trying to tell me. I keep having dreams about someone and I don't know why. This person keeps appearing and I don't know what to make of it. In some dreams we’re just talking on the phone or in person, in other dreams we’re making plans to see each other. What is my subconscious or the universe trying to tell me?! Because I think I’ve mentioned this before, most of my dreams always have a reason or meaning, especially the ones that keep having the same elements. 🤔

Second, I was watching the movie Brown Sugar with Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs. There's specific scenes that I love. Sanaa’s character is a writer and she was dating a guy and she was asking him what he thought about the article she just wrote. The guy way trying to act like he read it but eventually admitted he didn’t and that he was too busy. But her friend who is Taye Diggs character praised her for the article and said she did a good job. So this got me thinking, anyone I do get involved with, I’d want him to take interest in the things I do. For instance I may have a professional career and work on my academic portfolio, I’d want him to engage with some of the things I go through at work and classes, but I’d also want him to take some interest in what I talk and how I write on this site. 🥰

Third, speaking of websites, I launched my business site a few months back, www.dailypro.us, and I’ve already gained good momentum on it. My wish and my goal for that site is to hit certain numbers by next quarter. I believe I can do it. 📈

So that's pretty much it, I don’t really have too big of plans for next year, just to stay steady on what I've been doing and praying that whatever lessons are waiting for me in 2024, that they don't throw me too far off course that I lose focus or worse, I lose myself. 🚫

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽


Pain

“We should be processing all of our emotions, even the ones that we want to avoid the most.”

Pain is more prevalent around this time of the year because of the stigma of spending time with loved ones during the holidays. There’s a few people who I think about more than others during this time because of loss and it seems like the list of people I think about just keeps getting longer and longer each year. It just means that I am getting older, my friends are getting older and all of our loved ones are getting older and life, for one reason or another doesn’t go on forever. My prayer book has over 10 names this year and unfortunately, as the years move forward, more names will be added.

Pain has no set limit and it has no boundary. It can be a friend making plans with everyone except you or someone responding to everyone else’s calls except yours. And pain can also be no longer being able to spend time with someone you love or not being able to talk to someone you deeply care for.

I don’t want to just talk about things that hurt us, I want to mention something very specific and before I do, I want to be clear that in no way I am intending to be insensitive, but for the sake of what I’m about to say, let’s not consider modern medicine or science, or health related issues, hear me out. What if, when we are nearing the end of our lives, whomever we pray to doesn't want us to know that our days are almost over so we don’t hinder on it and be sad, so instead our wings are put on us while we're sleeping or while we're doing something we love that we don't have time to react and let it hinder us. Or in another scenario, we are put in a condition where we lose our memory of what going on in our current lives. Even though our loved ones may feel sad, subsequently, we are walking through our last journey in our own peace. I know this may not comfort some of you, and again, I don’t mean to be insensitive. If one of my loved ones is going to be gone from me soon, I wouldn't want them to think about it, I rather take on that burden for them and let me think about it and let me do what I need to do to prepare and recover.

Pain is defined by what your heart feels. I’ve experienced many levels and categories of pain, from how people treat me to getting disappointing news, to seeing something that my heart didn't want to see.

I don’t know what you're traditions are around this time of year and maybe they've changed in the last few years to accommodate any adjustments you've had to make, but whatever you find yourself doing I hope you do it with love in your heart for yourself and the people who love you and think of you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽


Women With Red Flags

“The Only Person Who Never Makes Mistakes Is The One Who Never Makes Decisions.”

I could not stop laughing at the list below. One of you sent me a criteria of how to narrow down a woman with red flags. Now for disclaimer purposes, this is just satire, do take this too seriously, just have fun with it. I surely did and had big laughs when I re-shared it with a few friends.

How To Spot a Woman With Red Flags:

  • She’s had more than 1 relationship within a 12 month period

  • She has a college degree

  • She has a son

  • She has her own house

  • She pays for car insurance

  • She has health insurance

  • She has more than 3 designer bags

  • She has more than one tattoo

  • She goes to the spa or beauty salon every 2 weeks

  • She’s a Taurus or a Scorpio

So everything, but the first one would classify me as a red flag. And the only one I did not fully understand was the car insurance one. Doesn’t everyone have car insurance? When you get a car, don’t you want to be protected if something happens? Or is that one of those things only responsible people know to do? And the other one I got a big laugh at was the Taurus/Scorpio one because I think both are known to be stubborn and also headstrong on what they feel which can be considered stubborn depending on the context. And I remember reading somewhere that both signs are passion lovers and are driven by emotion. They are both very grounded and private. Taurus is a an earth element and Scorpio is a water element so they balance in the sense that Taurus is the feminine sign because of Venus being its planet which represents love and beauty, while Scorpio is a masculine sign due to their planet, Mars representing energy and action. So I guess a woman who is either sign has very strong presence and demeanor about her. Hey, I am definitely going to take this as a compliment.

But the entire list is funny, it’s just pointing out a woman who has reached certain accolades and probably isn’t interested in being played around with and I guess if a man wants someone to be in his shadow, he won’t be with a woman like this. But, would this list be the same for a man? I would surely want a man to check off most of these things, because to be able to understand me in some way, he’d have to have gone through similar things like becoming a parent, going through higher education, having been in a significant relationship or marriage, is keen on his health, takes care of himself, and knows the value of real estate. So adversely if you are in the right mindframe, none of these are redflags, just proof that not everyone matches up to you.

Be safe everyone.


The Hug

“When you wait too long to tell someone how you feel, the decision gets made for you and you may not get the chance to tell them.”

Ladies, lets gather for a minute. It doesn’t matter if you're single, married, dating, in a complicated situation, this is all for us. So let me ask you...

When was the last time you were held? I'm not talking about the cuddling after sex, the "hey how are you doing" hug, no I'm talking about held in a way that time freezes and anything that was on your mind just leaves your body as he keeps his arms wrapped around you and your head is either nestled on his shoulder or your chin is on the nape of his neck and his cheek is pressed on your neck. None of you say a word and you just stand there letting him hold you, protect you, and breathe you. ✨️

When was the last time you were held like this? 🫂

Who was it and where is this man now? If he is your husband or your companion, cherish that act of love, because that's what it is, an act of love. And we all deserve to feel that. 💗

Now, I'm single so I don't expect anyone to hold me like that unless we're involved or he really feels that way about me...but you know what? If one of my previous lovers randomly did this, I probably wouldn't know how to act. Do I pull away, do I give in? Do I just let it all happen? What would I do? Knowing me, I’d probably just freeze until he says something. 😵‍💫😆😳

And fellas please don't use this as one of your tactics. As a matter of fact, I hope none of you are using any of the content on here to play mind games with women. And if you are, and it’s working, then you’re welcome. I’m glad I was able to help you maneuver through women. I wear a size “All Expense Paid Trip To Fuji”.

Or maybe you always have been like this and just did not know how to manage your interactions with women, and believe me I can always tell when men are being hesitant around me. Just be genuine, that's all you need to do. But, please don't make me an accomplice to your shenanigans, some of my friends already do that enough. 🫠🙃

Why am I bringing this up? Because I was having lunch the other day and I was facing the windows that looked out into the street. I saw a couple, it looked like they were arguing. The women's face looked frustrated and the man's face looked tired. So after a few minutes of her waving her hands around his face, the man just hugs her. She tried to pull away, but her held on to her and she gave in and hugged him back. This hug probably lasted less than a minute, but I'm sure for them that time wasn't a reality and the only thing that mattered was that space and that hug became about love and trust. Call me sentimental, call me a hopeless romantic but it was beautiful to see that. 💕

I hope, no matter if you are a man or woman, that you have this in your life, or if you've never experienced this, I hope you do one day. ❤️

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽


Readers Rant Women vs. Men

Hey my loves 💕. I'm not going to add audio to this one. None of these are my words, so please feel free to set your own thoughts on what some of the fellow readers wanted to share.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Reader 1: (Woman)

  • Men are out here being so stupid. I seen a post on IG that men are out here dating Teen Titans to avoid grown women standards and it's so true! How you in your 50s Unc and chasing a bottle girl who's posting ass pics for everyone to see?! Men are so trash. Why can't you get yourself a respectable woman with a 401k, an IRA, insurance and a mortgage? That's too much for you? Are you intimidated? Unc, what's up? Are you trying to raise a woman or are you trying to be with a woman?

Reader 2: (Man)

  • Women don't even know what they want but always mad because a man isn’t giving her what she wants. B🚫ch say something! Stop shaming us for being out with a young b🚫ch and start speaking up. We know a young b🚫ch is only good for party and bullst. We know these youngins are for the streets, so we need a grown b🚫ch to keep us grounded. If you got it then you got it. I'm a smart man, these youngins are smoking, drinking, popping pills, doing lines, in 25 years they gonna look like life hurt them, so we need grown women in our corner to keep us from going too off the edge. Only a dumb man wifes a youngin. If my boy loving a young b🚫ch, I dab him and go, but we all not like that, so chill.

Reader 3: (Woman)

  • Anytime you see a man cuddled up with a woman, but he still says he's single, RUN!!! Men are the main ones talking to several women, but still say they're not with anyone. Boy be honest for once in your life! You're a community 🍆! And you're embarrassing!

Reader 4: (Man)

  • I'm a simple man. I like quality time with a woman and I like a woman who can handle her own and I like a woman who can have fun and get attention but still comes home to me. But a lot of these women don't understand that. You can socialize and hang out with your friends, but my lady has to act right. I don't want to hear about her letting a man touch on her and I don't want to see any video or pictures of her twerking on a man. My lady has to be demure and classy. If we're together and she's saying hi and hugging men I don't know with no introduction, then she's gone. That's hoe activity.


A Helpful Man

“The Best Man Is A Man Who Pulls Out The Best In You.”

I was talking to one of my aunties the other day and we were talking about dating and relationships and she was asking me what I want. I told her I didn't just want someone to have fun with, I also want someone to confide in and call when I have exciting news or bad news and he does he best to comfort me. I still don’t want to share a space with anyone, but I want to be able to have someone who can come over and just sit with me. We laugh, joke about each other, share our troubles and just be comfortable around each like genuine friends. Or we can just be doing our own separate tasks together, like I’m on my laptop, he’s on his. Auntie and I also talked about being patient and if we want a good companion we have to be good companions ourselves and we have to be just as patient as we want someone to be for us. And she tells me that in some ways I have to revert back to not having such an independent mindset and to allow a man to be there for me, who is willing to learn me and be of value to my life. And she’s right, even though it’s unusual and hard for me to ask for help or even to admit that there's just times I don't want to feel like I’m facing life alone, I would appreciate a helpful man.

Although, in contrast to this, the other evening I stepped out and invited a few friends, one ended up already having plans that evening, and the other joined me later that evening. We haven’t hung out in a long time so we caught up on things and then we starting getting into other topics. Then another friend came, I’m not close to this one friend, but he is good friends with people I know and I’ve been around him several times before so he gets into our topics too. And we were talking about how as a woman even though I like for a man to know how I handle me, I find it more appealing when he is considerate of me and my father instilled this in me. He says that a man should still be thinking of you even if you are in the same room as him like taking a moment to check on you and seeing if you need anything. And I think all of my previous lovers were like this to a certain point. I know with the most previous one, if we were out with friends, if he was not standing or sitting in close proximity to me, he would still make sure to check on me and I always appreciated that. And the one thing that the Athlete did that I loved was anytime we make plans with each other, before meeting up, he would ask if I needed anything or if I wanted him to stop anywhere to pick up something for me. I just think that’s a very loving gesture.

I think my idea of companionship is centered around how I like my life to be and I cannot remember is I said this to my friends or if I was thinking it, but many of my friends and I have reached a point in our lives where we have a certain level of freedom to do what we want to do, respectively. And I think man of woman, the issues we face with relationships is that we know what we can offer and what value we can add to someone, but we don’t like to change too much of our routines for anyone, we may make adjustments here and there, but if we start to feel unappreciated or misunderstood, it becomes a problem that we either address or we just walk away completely. And I know I am not making this up because I’ve done it and I’ve seen my friends do it. For instance, all my guy friends, I do not know if I tell them this enough, but all of my guy friends are handsome, they’ve done well for themselves, and regardless of how they may handle certain situations or the decisions they make, in their core, they are decent men and I think the women they involve themselves end up wanting them to change things they are not ready to change or even want to change. And at the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel is best for then even if it hurts other people. With my previous lover, regardless of whatever issues there were, I think initially he wanted to be good for me, but I think there were other elements that kept him from making decisions that considered my feelings. I don’t know this for sure, this is just my opinion.

I know there’s things about me that could be better, just like what my Auntie said, how I don’t need to be so independent all the time especially around a man who cares about me and who wants to help me. And a few of my guy friends have mentioned this to me too, it’s just hard for me to break that wall because I am so used to not having anyone. And again with my previous lover, I do remember having previous conversations that could have played out better had I said things differently. That doesn’t mean anything would have changed, I’m just saying words can be very powerful. My Auntie also said to careful of men who think you're being a problem because you are pointing out where they can be better. She says people who aren’t ready to face their demons are too comfortable with having them and will think you're being too critical of them. And I know my words can sound critical and demoralizing. That is something I am continuing to improve.

Overall in my opinion, nothing beats a considerate and helpful man, but I am very aware that I need to be open to allow a man to be there for me.

Be safe everyone.