Ladies, Stop It

“If you’re looking in on me, enjoy the view.”

Apparently, you all like it when I talk my shit. My last post got record views. I’m not going to go overboard with it but I'll sneak it in here and there. I’m confident, but I also want to maintain humility because at any moment something can happen and all my blessings go away, so I want to be grateful and full of love.

Let's get into this and ladies you may not like to hear some of the things I’m going to say but it needs to be said. So I've had this feeling for a while but I never paid it much attention because it doesn't stop anything I'm doing or want to do. There’s a young lady who doesn't like me because of a man (I know right? This already sounds childish and stupid). I recently found out that she has a fake social media page 🙄 and has been using it to see what I’m doing, who I’m with, and what I talk about. And baby, let me tell you something, you are not going to find anything to confirm any suspicions you may have of me. My social media platforms are purely for entertainment. I don't know if this girl created her fake profile because of me or if this is just something she does, either way, it's stupid. Ladies, if you do things like this, stop it. 🛑 ✋🏽 Your insecurity is showing and it's being loud.

When you do sneaky things like that even if you don't tell anyone or admit it to anyone, there's an internal issue that you are battling whether it's trust issues with your partner or lover, or you're secretly praying on someone’s downfall, that’s something you have to work on. If you are threatened or intimidated by a woman, it's not going to ease your mind by trying to see what she’s doing, especially if it’s me you're checking on.

And with this young lady, supposedly she's supposed to be mature and has her mind right, and isn't petty or vindictive, but yet she's doing things like this. Good luck with that baby girl. I know you've got some growing to do still and you’ll get passed this phase in your life, you’ll learn to make better decisions, you're just in your feelings right now whether you want to admit or not. And it's okay. But you're not going to find anything that will fix your issues through me.

People have so many misconceptions of me. One of my friends thought I've been dating a certain guy that I’m not even interested in or attracted to. So I know I’m being discussed amongst my friends, even though the information is inaccurate, unless they ask my directly, I’m not bothered by what they may speculate. And I know they speculate a few things about me because they know I'm private and don't openly discuss everything with everyone, but again, if they ask me directly, I'll tell them.

But when it comes to women who don't know me or who aren't in my circle, it can get a little messy with what they assume of me and use a false narrative to speak badly about me. I’m going to talk some shit for a little bit. I can easily be that woman who doesn’t care if he's with someone, if I want him, I’ll have him even if it's just for one night. I can easily be that woman who makes your man start acting funny with you. I could easily be that woman who tells your man to come see me after he takes you home. I can easily be that woman who your man still thinks about and checks up on, and with this last one I may be that woman to some ones relationship because I know I leave a lasting impression on people. Being that type of woman would fit my lifestyle right now to be honest, but I choose not to do those things.

Also, if a man is going to sleep with other women, there's really nothing you can do or say to stop it. Men have different minds and intentions when it comes to women. Just like I said if I wanted to I will if I wanted a man for the night, a man can be the same way. Baby, don't let that man meet me on the right night, especially if he's attractive, smells good, dresses modestly, and knows how to flirt with me and make me blush. And let’s hope that man isn't someone else's man, because I will let him go swimming! 💦

One of my friends says I'm a problem because he's seen me interact with men when we’re hanging out together and he tells me that I can have a man interested in me by how I speak and present myself and ready to take me home and all I have to do is just say the word, but I never do. 🤦🏽‍♀️😄 He says I give these men false hope because they're thinking that they are making an impression on me when I'm just really passing the time while my friend is flirting with a woman at the end of the bar. So really, I could use my powers for evil, but I try to do good. And I don’t know what’s going on these days, but men just don't know how to talk to me. Just talk to me like a normal person. I’m getting so tired of people saying, “Oh, you're just too pretty”, “You intimidate men”, “You make people nervous”…STOP! Just talk to me, but don't assume that you're taking me home because of a good conversation, yes there's always that possibility, but don’t expect it.

I'm going to talk some shit again… Ladies if you're dating a guy and you're not too secure about your relationship status you're definitely not going to be secured if he's sitting near me and having a conversation with me. I've learned be default that I don't really put anyone’s self-esteem at ease and it's not because of something I’m doing on purpose, it's just that I’m very personable, and this is where the speculation and misconceptions come from. Someone may see me having a chat with a man and assume I’m with him, then they share that with other people and those people develop assumptions and then a friend comes to me and tells me that the friend group thinks I'm dating a guy who I have no romantic interest in 🤦🏽‍♀️. And some men will use a rumor like that to tell women so they don't feel threatened by me 🙄. You hear how dumb all this is?

Moral of the story, 1. your insecurity isn't going to be fixed by lurking on my page through a private account. 2. If you're relationship isn't solid, it still won't be whether I’m around or not. 3. At any given point I can choose to sleep with a man whether or not he's already in a relationship, but I choose not to.

Be safe everyone.

Men Who Don't Got It

“Fellas, Let’s Get It Right.”

Before we get into the topic, I want to say this. I like when men surprise me, in a good way. Especially when I’ve already written them off as someone who won’t make the extra effort. So when a man does or says something that catches me off guard and makes me change the way I look at him…I’m like…this muthrfckr 😂🥹. Why are you being so sweet?! I already had it set in my mind you were one way, now you’re showing me you’re another way. WHT, but I’m not complaining, I like when a man proves me wrong in the best way. Like show me that you are better that what I thought of you. Don’t hide that from me. Baby show me the man you can be! 😚I may want to love on you.

But let’s talk about that. There’s too many of you that really aren’t aware how your actions make you look like…for lack of a better word…a bitch. It’s one thing to have confidence and claim to be an Alpha male, but it’s another thing to confuse that with being narcissistic and emotionally destructive. First, I want to point this out, I know some of you are use my topics and my words make yourselves look better to women, I don’t fault you for that, I’m on my shit, but what I will fault you for is if you really don’t believe or practice what you are preaching. Don’t take my words to gain admiration, but then don’t really follow through what what you are trying to claim. That’s a way of trying to control people and you’re going to get bad juju for that. be upfront, believe in what you are saying and let people make their own decisions.

Secondly, when you are called out for doing something foul, own up to it. The mark of a gentleman is taking accountability not just for the good, but for the bad too. Those of you who have been around a while, know that I speak of taking responsibility for your decisions and finding a way to do better. You are going to make mistakes, but you should also be mature enough to acknowledge your part in that mistake. I am not saint, I am not the perfect mother, not the perfect daughter, not the perfect sister, not the perfect wife, not the perfect lover, not the perfect friend. But what I am is someone who does take time to reflect on things and make an effort to work on myself. Ladies, this is for you too, I can’t just only point to the men on this one.

Both men and women, we have feelings and emotions, but we have to get better at expressing it, this includes me too. Part of my issue is that because I am single, I do not have any obligations to anyone. Even if I care about someone, I don’t always make it a point to tell them I care, again this is something I need to work on. And my feelings towards people change all the time, especially with what I said in the beginning, if a man shows me a great side of him, I may develop different thoughts about him. That’s the beauty and the ugliness of being single, I can care and not care at any given moment. But I do want to be a person who does care and let people know I care. I don’t want to make it seem like someone else’s feelings is an inconvenience to me, especial if they are part of my life.

Because communication between men and women can be dense at times it’s one of the main reason that gets me weary about serious relationships. I don’t want to be out here thinking how great my partner is and he’s out here not even protecting my confidence in him. And I hate to say it, too many of you fellas are like this. If you don’t think this is you, think again and think about how you have been treating women and what they have been expressing to you. Fellas, I get it, women can be irrational at times, but that doesn’t come out of nowhere. Our gripe usually comes from not being seen and heard by you guys. I don’t like feeling that way, especially when I know that I’m not just a trophy, I am a benefit and a value to a man. Yes, I’m going to talk my shit right now. - I am that bitch. There’s no one else like me, there are women of similar caliber, but no one else is me or compares to me. If you want a mediocre bitch that doesn’t have too much going on other than shift work, some little outfits, and simple minded friends, then go ahead baby, there’s plenty of them out here and yes they are all pretty and they want to have fun and yes they will make you feel good about yourself, but none of them got shit on me and can’t hold a candle to me.

I’m a single mother, I’m devoted to my family, I’m a career woman, and I handle my business. If you want someone who’s not just serious about her own growth, but also serious about yours too, someone who’s going to push you, sing your praises, validate you, and show you things about life that you’ve never been aware of, then baby you want someone of my character. But I’m going to be honest, women of my caliber are tough because we are willing to put in the work, so we require you to put in the work too. When we get involved with someone, we are making an investment because we saw something in YOU. Who you chose to be with or who you choose to entertain, that person is a reflection of you. Women of my stature, we’re not out here playing pittypat. Yes, we do want to enjoy ourselves, but we are also out here to support you, build with you, toast with you, learn from the mistakes, and love on each other the whole way through. And if any of those things fall short - Yes, we will put on some pressure. So you’ve to be clear with us if you’re not ready for that, because then we’ll know how far we CAN’T go with you and us women will keep thriving in our own ways. You can’t bullshit a woman who’s got her shit together, because she has a lot going on and wasting her time and drowning her emotions is a different type of pain and disappointment And don’t be upset with me for being upset because you couldn't handle me. You don’t put top shelf at the bottom.

It’s been many times where I hear women complain about men not coming through for them when or living up to their word. One of the things Scarface said we have in this world is our Word. Fellas, when you say something, follow through. And if you are dealing with a woman who you can’t follow through with, then baby she ain’t someone you’re really serious about, and you’ll need to be honest with her. If your only concern is YOU, there’s nothing wrong with that, but you need to let that be known.

With men, I know that navigating through your emotions is different for you guys than it is for us ladies. But fellas let me say this, don’t give a woman hope if you cannot give her everything she wants with you. And there are incidences where you may not mean to do that, because some women do take things more to heart. And maybe you are not really sure of what could happen, that’s fine, we’re never really sure what tomorrow brings, but if you know you cannot give her all of yourself, that you cannot promise her certain things, or that you are not willing to make big changes for her, then be clear on that. It’s okay if you don’t got it all figured out, but don’t make her think you do.

Being a good man is be being good to the people around you and part of that is being honest with who you are, what you want, what you are willing, and what your limitations are. I can’t make you be better than what you are, but I’ll give you credit for making an attempt to be better.

Be safe everyone.

Fellas, Listen

“If I am giving a part of myself to you, take care of that part.”

I think all of us women at one point or another has dealt with a man who really thought he was different or making a difference or felt that he was the best we’ve ever been with when really we were just feeding his ego…I know I’ve had a few experiences of that.

Men can have very fragile egos and sometimes a woman’s attention appease that ego. I think this comes from the idea of the older generation women telling us to cater to men and keep him happy, but there’s holes to that way of thinking. Yes, if you are in a committed relationship, you should do things to make your partner happy as they should be doing the same. But in today’s society, the constructs of those types of relationships have faded. It’s more about instant gratification and what makes us happy in right now and in the moment. In which case, should women still be catering to men who aren’t willing to be consistent with us? I’ll let you decide on that for yourselves.

Intimacy

In the realm of intimacy; it the connection of minds and spirit. Having an intimate relationship with someone does not necessarily mean you are having a physical relationship with someone. Honestly, I rather prefer these types of relationships. I rather be linked to a man’s mind than a man’s….ummm, well you know. I rather sit on the couch together and talk about our day, or go grab a drink or something to eat and learn new things about each other. In fact, this perfectly describes that male friendships I have now. And because our connections are close, people on the outside usually assume that I am in a romantic relationship with them. And I can see how it looks. No, my fellas have a piece of my heart, but nothing else.

Sex

Here is what you all want to hear about. A friend made a comment about people in their early 20’s about being highly experienced in the bed and mentioned that may translate them to being very promiscuous. He used the term “whore” and “loose” but, we are not judging over here. I’ve not had a lot of partners, but I’m also not inexperienced. Although, I do still turn a little red when a man says something sexual to me or makes a suggestive remark at me. I’m more of a sensual person, I want to look into your soul - I have been told I have great eye contact in conversations. I don’t like anything quick, I like for a man to listen to my body and learn my body. You know that little jackrabbit move you guys do sometimes during sex? Ummm, many of us women don’t like that. It may feel good to you, but it’s not really doing anything for us. And not every woman’s body is the same and that’s why you have to pay attention to her movements and sounds. But ladies, when a man isn’t pleasing us how we like, do you say something? Some of you ladies have said that you don’t mention anything because of a man’s fragile ego. If that’s the issue, how do we tell these men what we do and don’t like? Fellas, we’ll need you to chime in on this one. How do we become better lovers if we don’t say anything? I don’t want to be the only one pleasing you.

When I’m involved with someone (sidebar: I used the term “involved” a lot instead of saying being in a relationship because my thoughts on relationships are not traditional and I do not want to downplay anyone’s definition of a relationship), when I am involved, I like when a man does simple touches when we are out somewhere. For instance, putting his hand on my thigh under the table or holding my hand while we are sitting in conversation, kissing my cheek or forehead, things like that. I’m not one who likes public displays of affection. I’ve alway preferred a veil of discretion. I like signals and codes that only my lover and I understand. And that draws back to the intimacy element. I like having an unspoken language with my partner. There’s no need to put ourselves on display for people we know. If we are away on a personal trip where it’s just us, I am a little more open to showing public affections. I’ve been referencing mature men a lot lately, and I’ve noticed more mature tend to think the same. Small affections make more of a difference. Do you agree?

Speaking of maturity, I have a friend who has a PhD in psychology and every now and then we exchange wits. She is doing research in how people of a certain age rationalize being in relationships with people who are exteremently younger than them. She is using a 15-20 year age gap as a base. In here words, she said “Imagine graduating college and being interested in a toddler. Her reference is a bit extreme, but she’s trying to make a point (Do any of my readers/listeners fit this shoe? Maybe you should be part of her case study). Her research will be a little radical and it will include people who have inappropriate relationships with those under 18, so I know she is going to touch on a lot of sensitive factors. She is trying to uncover the thought processes of people who have these large age gaps in their relationships, whether the other person is over 18 or under 18. She believes that the older people think the same ways when they are defending their choices. She is tying in the frontal cortex of the brain where those types of decisions, thoughts, and actions are developed. My friend thinks that there is a lapse or an infliction with that part of the brain that makes people believe they are being appropriate. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with.

But back to our original topic. Yes, you should please your partner and your partner should be pleasing you too. I have experienced times when a man I was with wasn’t listening to my body. I would try to tell him what I like and he either didn’t understand or didn’t grasp what he was doing. So fellas, PLEASE LISTEN TO OUR BODIES.

Be safe everyone.

Can You Afford To Be Single

“The Luxury of Your Life is How You See it Fit.”

One of you sent me a message and said, “Being single is a luxury.” I thought about it for a little and, Yes, I agree there is some truth to that statement. There is an element of freedom when you are single. You do not have any emotional obligation to anyone. You can make decision that fits you and you are not appealing to anyone’s comfort. Although, the single life does come with your own financial responsibilities. There’s no other parties funding your lifestyle (we’ll unless you are one of those people who accept monetary contributions), but ideally, single people figure things out on their own. I like my single life and I’ve crafted it to me.

A friend of mine recently asked me why I don’t bring any men around our group of friends. I told him that the friendships I have are very unique and I highly value them and because of that I do not want to change those connections that I have with them. I told my friend that we don’t adjust to those outside our group, they have to adjust to us and if I feel a man who I may be interested in can’t adjust to the connections I have with my friends then I am not bringing him around. There’s a level of loyalty and respect I have for the people I value, and I am not going to introduce someone to my people if they do not align with my other connections. I am firm on this and if a man isn’t willing to understand, I am completely okay with him walking away.

There is a power to being single and being comfortable with being single. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please without anyone having an issue with how I move. It’s similar to loving your own company and loving that fact you can do things by yourself without the need of someone doing it with you. I take myself to dinners, I take myself on trips, I take myself anywhere I want to go or do without having a fear of being alone. In fact, I’ve been able to meet some great people this way because I was not confined to someone. Being this type of person also has to do with your level of confidence. How can I be that b*tch if I can’t do anything on my own? Or if I always need someone to depend on or refer to before making a decision for myself? It the same with men. - Fellas, how can you be that dude if you always need someone with you to do anything?

It’s kind of like needing an emotional support person to help you be comfortable. Can you emotionally afford to be single? Even when I want to be around people, 95% of the time, I come out alone, and then I leave or go home alone. I don’t need a shadow or someone right by my side at all times. If being single is a luxury, then I’ll take it.

I love men. Most of my friends are men. I love the companionship that men can bring, but as I’ve been able to navigate different relationships, I’ve noticed a few revelations with men…. most men today wanted to be courted as if they are the woman. They want all the focus on them and get bothered or start acted distant towards you when you have other obligations in your life or when you need to shift focus on other things. Or they may start assuming another man has your interest (sounds like something women do, right?) Like a said, some of these men today are adopting a lot of feminine qualities.

But, I’ve also noticed that mature men are fully aware of their actions and won’t get defensive when you point out their unfavorable behaviors, while other men will get sassy with you and start deflecting the issues towards you. The last thing I identified in men is that they will treat you based on how they feel about you and this can change at an instant without any notice, explanation or warning. I think I already said this before, men don’t like to have emotionally heavy conversations especially if they feel a woman will get upset. It’s not naturally in their DNA to open up, express their feelings and say “We need to talk.” It may be nerve racking, but that’s just how they are. Although, not to be completely despondent towards the men, there are some who will have those hard conversations with you. These types of men are alright in my book. Even just making the effort to hear me out is valued even if he doesn’t have much to say and just taking it all in to think about it. Men and women complicated beings separately and combining those complications can be frustrating when trying to find a common ground. Friendships can be like this too.

No, not all of us can afford to be single or alone and not all of us can adopt to not having a companion. If you need to have someone, that’s okay, but they have to need to have you too. Otherwise, you are going to go through a battle to try to pull them out of their ways when they don’t want to.

Be safe everyone.

Positive Progression

“Being good in your spirit translates to being good in your intentions.”

🚫 There will not be any personal updates or follow-up on this post. 🚫

Do you guys go to church? I am not a devout religious person, but I do listen to church sermons online. I used to go in-person, but ever since COVID, I tend to get weary of being in large groups in a confined space. But today’s message really resonated with me - isn’t it funny when a message hits you during time relative circumstances are happening? This message was about forgiveness and repairing the love in your heart. We’ve all probably gotten a few lessons about this in our lifetime whether it was through church or other avenues.

Forgiveness is a process of healing even when you didn’t even realize you needed to heal. Forgiveness is for you. And the other part of it is letting go of holding on to the pain or using that pain to stay guarded and not being open to moving forward. So there is a particular scenario that literally occured in the last 24 hours that related to this message. I have been avoiding a particular person for several months now. Anytime I see this person, I don’t acknowledge them, I don’t say anything and I make it a point too keep a large distance from this person. Is this healthy? Maybe in the first month or two, but we probably should have broken the ice way before now. And I was encouraged to extend the olive branch.

Of course I had some hesitations because all I can recall is what this person last said to me and the image of their actions afterwards 🫤. So me deciding to close myself off from this person was for self preservation; I needed time. I was hurt. Although, the reality is, this person and I are continually linked because of the common people in our lives. I don’t want things to be awkward. So I had to come to terms that if I am really going to improve anything with this person, then I really need to let go of the past, meaning I am ready to let go of things that were said and done and not use any of it against this person in order to move forward 💞. Something we all should be aware of is that part of moving forward is hashing out the differences so you can develop a new understanding of people. This may require having those hard conversations, which I am open to having. You kind of have to let it all out to let it all go. ❤️‍🩹

So what I ended up doing was making a phone call because I initially felt that a text message may be misconceived. I ended up leaving a voicemail which ended up me being all over the place so I just decided, “Fck, I’ll send a text.” At this point I do not know it this person will respond or be receptive, but I did make the attempt for reconciliation. To give a clearer picture, the person is a man. And men are not naturally vocal or expressive when it comes to discussing hurt emotions 🤷🏽‍♂️. And there’s no amount of soft-parenting that can help create more emotionally expressive boys, it’s just an element of their DNA and genes. Men just don’t like to talk about certain things like how women do. And I’ve realized over that years that I am not great at expressing my emotions either 🤦🏽‍♀️. I harbor things and I just deal with them privately. I don’t know if it’s because I was raised by a man, but my father is the same way and I have a lot of dominant traits when communicating with people. But I want to be more emotionally intelligent and be very clear of my intentions with people. I do not want to keep practicing unhealthy habits. And with this guy, I feel a reset is a start. He may not feel the same and not even respond, and I’ll be okay with that too because my heart is lighter now that I made the attempt. ✨️

When you try to reconcile with people, both of you have to be willing to acknowledge and let go the the issues that were between you. If I’m the only one who is willing and he is not, then it won’t work. And if he does not respond, I still need to keep positive and still let go of the issues on my own and only keep good memories I shared with him, because even if he is not receptive, I still need to forgive the pain - for myself. 💗

We have to understand that there may be times that you are the only one who wants to change and improve, so that’s what you keep doing. I don’t want anything heavy on my heart, I don’t want anything heavy on my soul and if I am going to keep affirming that I am a good person, then I know I need to take a step forward, even if I’m the only one taking that step. If any of you are experiencing or have experienced something similar, all I can say is letting go is just the start, repairing is a process, and there may be times that you revert back to those bad memories or feelings, but you have to be vocal when that happens so that the person you are resetting with can identify what they may be doing to affect you. I’m not saying this is easy, not even in my situation, I’m just saying to be prepared to open and vulnerable so that you don’t fall back into the same issues. We want to develop and maintain healthy connections, it won’t be perfect the whole time, but we have to be conscious of the things we do and say when we are making an attempt to reconcile.

Be safe everyone. 🥰

🚫 There will not be any personal updates or follow-up on this post. 🚫

➡️ In other news, who's ready for RDJ to be Doctor Doom? 🤯

Manage It Right

“Don't Take Away What I’ve Accomplished Just Because I Didn't Talk About The Work I Put Into It.”

How are you with your finances? Are you in debt? Do you always need a co-signer? How’s that credit score? As some of you may know, I am in a doctoral program which I only have 1 more year left. My research topic has just been approved by the IRB (Institutional Review Board). My topic is: “The Impact of Financial Literacy for High School Students”. I am going to explore previous research on this topic in conjunction to getting feedback from people and their views of financials literacy and what they think should be taught to high school students. If you would like to be a participant in my research you will only need to answer 18 questions. If you don’t feel comfortable with certain questions, you can skip it. Plus, it is 100% anonymous (you know I like to protect your privacy just as much as my own). Participate HERE.

My 10% may look like 💯 because I learned to delegate my energy effectively.

I am passionate about this topic because growing up there were not many courses or classes that offered financial learning, and if there were, it was an elective. I believe everyone needs to undergo a robust financial literacy course before graduating high school. I don’t know if you believe this, but money goes a long way and having good credit takes you further. You don’t want to be one of those people who can’t pay your rent because you decided to have a fun weekend. Or your lights got cut off because you spent that money on a VIP section. Let’s be better than that, and I’m really taking to the kids who like to show out with no backup income or not enough in savings. You have to understand that living within your means is crucial to money management. And if you want more, than do more. I don’t mean to sound off tone, but there’s plenty of opportunities to make the money you need or want to make, you just have to go after it. If you see me out having a cocktail during the week, it’s because I put in 10-12 hours worth of work already.

One of the BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS PEOPLE HAVE OF ME is that my life is easy or that everything was handed it me. I HATE THAT! 😖 Someone actually said to me that I was “born with a silver spoon” — ☹️ It hurt to hear that because this person knew me for a long time, which means they never really paid attention to my drive and hard work. LISTEN, just because I don’t talk about my struggles or tell people the steps I’m taking to reach a goal doesn’t mean that what you see was just handed to me. Just because I make it look simple and I don’t complain, doesn’t mean I didn’t go through obstacles. My father wasn’t a CEO or an Executive, nor did he own businesses. What he did do was obtained valuable skills that allowed him to make a good living to provide his family with a good life. I adopted those traits from him and want to do the same for my kids. Don’t ever think I was given any freebies in life.

That person who said that may deal with people who depend on them or deal with people with their hands out, I surely never had my hand out to this person, nor did I ever expect extravagant things from them. As a matter of fact, I always tried to make sure I contributed something anytime it seemed appropriate. So to hear that they think I was born with a silver spoon really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe some men want to hear women complain about money so they can be their savior. Or how about when some men assume women are golddiggers when they barely have any gold to give. Aye fam, I am the gold, there’s no digging over here ✨️. If a man wants to do for me, that’s his choice, but I don’t expect anyone to provide for me except me. I learned to be good with money through experiences and trial and error. I wish I had a required Financial Literacy program in high school that taught me:

  1. Budgeting and saving.

  2. Understanding credit and debt management.

  3. Investment basics.

  4. Financial planning and goal setting.

  5. Consumer rights and responsibilities.

I didn’t really learn about stocks until 2020 and I’ve become good at it. Had I learned sooner, I have no doubt my portfolio would be triple what it’s worth right now. I’m saying all this to say, learning about money early on can really help you long term, it can help you when making big purchase like a house, or even help you manage your money when allocating for vacations, buying a new car, or getting an investment property. The major thing is you want to keep your debt to income ratio very low and the sooner you are able to learn that, the more equip you will be when making decisions like that.

And the other reason for saying all this is to affirm that you cannot just look at someone and assume they have it easy. Don’t take my hard work away from me. No one earned me degrees for me. No one learned my skills for me. No one gave me a network of people to elevate with. I did all that on my own. So again, don’t take away someone’s accomplishments just because you see how well they are doing. Just because you weren't shooting with me at the gym, doesn’t mean I wasn't practicing. (You see how I put a twist in that? Some of you get. 😁)

And this last point I want to bring up is people thinking that you are “obligated” to help them when they're in need. I struggle with this at times with people close to me. They see that I'm doing well and want me to freely share my benefits. Here’s the thing, if my father, my kids, or my siblings need something, I don't hesitate as long as it's not frivolous and generally we're equally there for each other. But there's some relationships that leans more on me. I don’t mind making contributions or supporting a positive initiative, but don’t make it a belief that I owe you a part of what I've been able to do. I don't like that.

If you are a fully capable adult, your personal responsibilities, your living choices, or your consequences should not fall on to my expense, especially when I know I can't call on you for the same things (although, parents, our elderly, and kids who are still in school are an exception). When I give to charities or non-profits, I’m giving back to under-served people. When I support causes, I'm supporting it because someone I care about is part of it or it will help someone I care about. I don't just give money away. I worked hard for it and you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed for making good financial decisions and living a life that best suits you. Be proud of what you've made of yourself. I know I am.

Be safe everyone.

Confidence And Self Esteem

“Be part of my breakthrough, not my breakdown.”

Confidence and self-esteem are closely intertwined. When you possess one, the other is often not far behind. Having belief in yourself can lead to a greater sense of self-worth, while high self-esteem can boost your confidence levels significantly. I’ve never really had issues in these categories, even with men, I never had a problem with a man complimenting other women around me, but there is a limit to how much attention a man can give a women before I start to raise some eyebrows. I’m not the woman who gets upset if a man goes somewhere without me or doesn’t call me everyday. I am very secure with who I am, how I look, and how others view me. That’s not to say I do not have some insecurities, we all have them.

My insecurities more involve my professional and business life because as good as I am in my field of work, there’s always a competition of someone besting me, so I have to continue to learn, be innovative, and stay ahead. My life is expensive and I have come to love the conveniences that I have been able to afford like taking last minute trips and not having to bat my eyelashes at men to buy me drinks. I have come a long way in life and I want to keep at it, but this is not the direction this topic is going. We are going to explore the domain of personal confidence and self-esteem, zooming in on the interplay with the individuals surrounding you, as well as with any love interests.

We often convince ourselves that confidence should solely originate from within us, assuming that strong confidence automatically leads to heightened self-esteem. However, the truth is that external influences have the power to impact these aspects significantly, potentially causing us to harbor negative feelings about ourselves. For instance, growing up, I felt that my father held me to a high standard and responsibility than he did with my younger siblings. It seemed like he let them get away with a lot of things while I was corrected and scolded when I did anything wrong. From my point of view I felt like I was being treated different the love wasn’t equal with his kids. Now that I am older, I realized my father was doing the best he could as a single parent with three kids and two of them were only a year apart. With me, it was his first time raising a child, a daughter at that, so he wanted to make sure I grew up into a modest and classy woman. - Which I think he did good.

Now with my relationships, it was a more of a complex bag. When I felt I was being lied to or something was being hidden from me, it not only affected my confidence in the man, but also my self-esteem when I would ask about certain things and not get any straight answers. When a man seems to be going in circles or being very vague and things are not adding up, I would feel like “Why do you not value me enough to tell me or share with me about what you feel or what’s going on?” I can’t speak for all women, but when I am asking questions that may seem invasive, it’s because I want to know where I’m placed in your life so I can adjust how I communicate with you or what I do with you. I don’t like being told that I am important, but then made to feel that I’m not, especially if we are involved or sleeping together. Then I’d go into a rabbit hole of asking myself: “Why is he treating me like this?” “Does he not care about me anymore?” “Is someone else getting his attention?” “Am I really not his type?” “Am I too independent?” “Am I too head-strong?” “Am I not feminine enough?” “Am I not pretty enough?” “Am I not classy enough?” “Am I not interesting enough?” “Does he rather want a naive woman who depends on him?” All these thoughts just circle in my head and kind of puts me in doldrum and breaks down my self-esteem. If a man wants special treatment from me, why would he not expect to give special treatment back? If our relationship is supposed to be special or unique, why is he treating it like it is not? Don’t pull me in just to be dismissive of my feelings and break me down. Any of you ladies ever felt like this?

Again, I’ve always had good confidence, but when my self-esteem is being challenged, it does affect how I may present myself or how I manage myself throughout the day. These days, I really don’t have any issues in those categories, if a man wants me, he’ll let me know and show me, if he doesn’t he’ll let me know and show me. I’ve already stated many time over, I don’t have sights to be married again or live with someone. And I told my friend that even though I don’t like to date, when I do it, I’m not dating for a husband, I am dating to enjoy myself when I do have free time to spend with someone. That doesn’t mean when problems arise, I’m just going to exit, no if I feel a man is a good person and aligns well with my values, then I’ll make efforts to work through any issues with him. I’m not hoping from man to man at an instance, that’s never been on my resume. I like having good people in my life, even if the romance is gone, we’ll just find a way to still be friends and support each other.

I’ve also more noticed that since I do not have issues with my confidence or self-esteem, sometimes women are affected by me when I am around, especially when they see how men react to me or how they look at me. But my whole thought is, if you are secure of yourself whether you are in a relationship or not, another woman should not affect how you feel. But I’ve also learned (and this came with age) that when a man isn’t doing right by you, then yes, you are going to have insecurities when other women are around. At that point you really have to decide if that’s something you can deal with or if you want more for yourself. And sorry to say this but the girlies with self-esteem issues tend to stay where they’re at and just deal with it. - Baby, if that’s what works for you, okay. Keep doing it, but let me tell you, there are men who will treat you like you are the only woman in the room. Don’t sell yourself short for a handsome face with fat pockets. - Ladies, you have to decide what you are worth, don’t let a man do that for you. And don’t get upset with another woman because she knows her value and carries it everywhere she goes. Men notice that too - well, at least the ones paying attention and who are not interested in superficial subsidies.

If a man what’s to take stock in me, great, I’m amazing. But, I am not catering to a man who is not capable to treat me with love and admiration. You don’t have to be in love with me, but love who I am and admire what I’ve accomplished. I’ve said this in a previous topic, I know I’m a good catch, I know I’m highly sought after, so I want to feel wanted by a man I’m seeing. So when it seem like the interest is depleting and without notice, then it is going to make me feel some type of way about you and myself. It’s not realistic to say “No one can change how I feel about myself.” because people can have an impact on that, we just have to figure out how to best navigate through it and not let ourselves be so down that it interferes with any positive decisions we can make to get ourselves back to having confidence and good self-esteem.

Be safe everyone.

Does He Have A Brother?

“Be mindful of how you look at your friend’s companion.”

Ladies, let’s talk. When you are introducing a man of interest to your friends and one of them asks, “Does he have a brother?” What do you think about that? I had this discussion with my group of girlfriends and got mixed responses. Some felt that if a friend is asking if a man has a brother then that is a compliment to the man because he shows qualities that a woman wants in her companion. BUT, on the other side of this, some of the ladies stated that it raises concern because the thought is you are attracted to your friend’s guy and want someone like him — so is there a possibility that your friend will go after the man you like? What do you think ladies?

I do not recall any scenario where a friend was just as attracted to a guy I was with. My friends maybe like the guy for me, but still had their own preferences in men. I guess my friends and I have different tastes in men or at the very least don’t take interest in a man that one of our friends is interested in. But I have observed that when there is limited options for reputable men, there is an increase of more women interested in him. — My take on this is TRAVEL ladies!!! A man may be the highlight of one town, but mediocre in another city, state, and country. There are great men everywhere, don’t limit yourself to your friend’s guy or one of his relatives, explore the world.

Although for certain women, no matter where they go, the pool of men is very small and shallow. My aunt actually explained this to me. She says the more well rounded and educated a woman is, the less likely she will find a partner who meets her needs. The is mainly due to having elevated critical thinking skills and competency. Critical thinking is the ability to interpret, evaluate, and analyze facts and information that are available, to form a judgment or decide if something is right or wrong. When women are great at critical thinking, it’s hard for a man bullshit around with her, even if the relationship is casual. She may not mention the issues, but rest assured she identified them. Some men are like this too. My brain is more wired to breakdown and process words, behaviors, and emotions. I observe sounds, smells, body language, how people express themselves, the cadences with their speech patterns and I collect all that data and mentally create a personal profile of that person. — Yes, this is exactly why my friends call me a nerd. My friends tell me that when I’m quiet, I’m observing. — They’re not wrong.

But back to my original thought, I have never looked at my friends boyfriends, husbands, or lovers the same way they look at them, so I would never seriously ask if he has a brother. I may mention that if he is a good man, then he has other good men in his circle that helped shape who he is, because I no doubt believe you are as good as the company you keep. Even who you entertain can speak to your character. I have many different people in my life, for instance when I sit at my favorite bar, there’s a diverse amount of people I speak to — all of them have great traits, but I rarely spend time with them outside of that environment, they are bar friends. I also have business friends who I do not converse with outside of work obligations, then there a group of elderly men who get together every morning at the coffee shop I like to go to and I only speak with them when I am there. I say this to say that I do not have people who are integrated in all parts of my life, even people who have known me for 10 or 20 plus years, they may hear me talk about my other experiences, but they are not directly part of it. But all of them are still a reflection of me in some way because I chose to befriend them. My sister, who I am close to has even mentioned, “Yeah, I don’t know what your life is like when you’re not around me.”

It’s funny, my sister and I have common personality traits, like we are both very driven and care for people and want to achieve high levels of success, but how we go about those thing are vastly different. Even with men, she more likes the dark chocolate, bearded, with a very manly demeanor, close to her age or younger, and has an active lifestyle and maybe dresses in sports gear or fancy street labels. Where I more like the light to fair skinned pretty boys who may have a goatee, is older, finds solitude in being laid-back and dresses modestly. The last time my sister and I were hanging out, she was telling the guys who approached me that I like smart and distinguished gentlemen. So there has never been any scenarios where we were attracted to each other’s choice of men.

But I think having a difference in taste of men from your friends affirms that you have a diverse group of people in your life or even where you are all at in life. I can admit that the 3 men that you readers love to hear about anytime I mention them, I was at different phases of my life when I was involved in them. There may have been a time in my life where I could have like the same type of guys my sister now likes, but that time has came and went and only 1 of the 3 men almost fit all the attributes that my sister is interested in. I am definitely not the same woman I was when I was with that particular man and all of my friends are at various stages in life, so their interest are more reflective of the types of men who align with them. So what would it say about me if I want someone who is just like the man my friend is involved with? But ladies, what do you think? Have you ever been attracted to someone your friend or family member was with? How did it play out? Did you find yourself being more friendly to the man or interest in knowing more about him? Personally, I think that can create issues with you and your friend, so I don’t even think to take interest in anyone’s lover, boyfriend, or husband other than how they are treating my friend or loved one. There’s too many men out here to do all that.

Be safe everyone.

Book Series?

“What is the connection between two people in the same room, but they are are not looking at or speaking to speak to each other? - Do they feel each other’s presence? Does it elicit an emotion?”

“If you cannot appreciate my love, you will feel my absence.”

I’ve been going back and forth about this and I still have not decided if I wanted to do it. Over the years many of you have inquired if I will ever publish a book or at the very least an eBook were it’s just available electronically. If I were to do something like this, it would be about the topics you all are most interested in….my love life. For some reason, any time I mention a relationship, I get so much more feedback than any other topic. Every now and then I vaguely mention my family, and I surely have mention my friends more than plenty, but when I mention my EX, The Athlete, or “Poppa”, you guys are INVESTED! Even when I tell you about any men I casually meet, you don’t give me as much hype as when I mention the other three. - What are you folks trying to tell me???

At this moment, I do not speak with any of them. There is only one that I’m not sure if our communication will improve because we cross paths often. I did mention a bit ago that I need time after all the revelations came out about him. I remember a few years ago that I held back from telling him about things that he was doing didn’t highlight himself in the best way or wasn’t the best choice for him because I felt it was best for him to just go through his decisions so he can see it first hand. And I had a similar conversation with a mutual friend of ours and we weren’t speaking directly about him, it was more a general statement. My friend said that you have to let people go through their shit to realize it’s shit. They may not see it right now, but when they get their mind right they will. I thought that was a great perspective to have. I think with this man, he didn’t intend to hurt me or for things to turn out the way it has (I don’t think the other men did either), but maybe this one felt cornered and felt he had to prove something to someone so he acted poorly towards me, which is unfortunate because when we first started to know each other, we wanted to protect the value of our friendship…but I guess with all the time of things being unspoken and not revealed, it loosened the strings of our relationship. Although, I don’t know his thoughts on this, he may have a completely different perspective of things, so I cannot speak for him. Maybe he did want to hurt me. Maybe that was an intention of his. Maybe he wants to push me out completely. There’s a part of me that's completely disgusted with how he’s been showing himself and then there's another part of me that thinks, “This isn't him. This isn't the man I know, just give him grace and he’ll get back to himself again.” But then I think, does he deserve that? Does he deserve my patience? With the things he’s said to me and about me, should I give him grace? Or let it all go to hell along with all the hurtful things he’s done to me. The now softer version of me says to give as much grace and patience as my happiness allows. The last great memory I have with him is when we sat next to each other and reflected on one of our friends who had just recently faced a tragedy in his family. We mourned and laughed in solidarity of our friend. We spoke good things to each other that week. That’s was one of our sweetest moments together. There was no angst or dredging up any issues between us, we were on the same groove. It was sweet.

If I were to go through with writing my story, I’d imagine it to be a short three series collection, but you wouldn’t have to read them in order. You can reach each part in any order because they are each their own independent narratives. Also, since I’d be referencing real experiences, I would change the name of the characters. Maybe each story could be about 15-30 pages?

Although, I am aware that if certain people find out or read my stories, I may get some flack from them, which is a big reason why I have not yet decided which events I will and will not share. I think one person would support it because he’s matured and has identified that he could have done things differently with me and I feel the same with him, but that’s the best part of reflecting, you look back and identify what you’ve done and how you could do better.

It wouldn’t be one of those stories where I eventually reveal the identities of people like what Karrin Steffans did. Are you familiar with her? She was a video girl in the early 2000s who had relations with multiple celebrities and she wrote books about her experiences in the industry and she also talked about a man who she called “Poppa” (no it’s not the same man who I referred to as the same name) and they allegedly had an ongoing relationship for many years, but then in one of her later books she exposes who he is. I’m not going to do that.

With all that said, I ended up writing a few drafts of how my book would start off. This is still being workshopped, so the narrative may change from the time I started this to the time I decide whether or not to do it.

Right now, I have the title of the series: Loving You For Too Long

Series description:

Embark on an emotional journey with Vanessa Gabriel as she navigates the complex landscape of love and relationships. In this compelling series, Vanessa confronts heartbreak and disappointment, reflecting deeply on her experiences to emerge with a pragmatic outlook on life and love. Through a series of ongoing relationships that span for many years, Vanessa learns profound lessons about intuition, resentment, healing, and self-preservation. Join her as she transforms pain into wisdom and discovers the strength within herself. This series is a captivating exploration of love's challenges and the resilience of the human spirit.

Story One: Loving You For Too Long: The Game of Hearts

Intro:

“You were in here the other day, right?” The man from behind the counter asked Vanessa. She stopped at the gas station for a drink and a snack before starting her day. The man was tall, looked to be in good shape, carmel skin, with defined short dark curls, but what she noticed about him was his alluring smile. 

“Yeah, I was.” 

“You’re very pretty.”

Vanessa blushed at the compliment and looked down shyly, not letting him see her smiling. As she was paying for her items, the man handed her a napkin with his name and phone number written on it. 

“My name is Desmond, call me sometime.” 

Vanessa was young. She’s had men approach her, but there was something about Desmond that she wanted to know more about. The town was small and she had never seen him before, but she was impressed that he offered his number without requesting her’s in return. It was as if he was confident that Vanessa was going to call him. 

She kept the napkin in her car for a few days. Desmond’s smile flashed in her head often. She avoided making her routine stops at the gas station in the mornings. Then on the third day, she swallows her nerves, opens up her flip phone and dials his number. 

Story Two: Loving You For Too Long: The Untamed Partner

Intro:

“I did something.” Vanessa heard the trepidation coming from her husband’s voice. They were laying quietly having an affectionate moment and feeling calm. They had just rekindle their marriage a month earlier after an eight month separation. They wanted to focus on building their lives together.

Vanessa sat up in bed and looked at Eric intensely. She saw shame in his face. He didn’t look at her.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

“I’m the worst man. I’m sorry.” 

Fear hit Vanessa's heart. Thoughts were clouding her mind. What was Eric talking about?

“What the fuck happened!” She started getting irritated and impatient with her husband's delay.

“Someone’s pregnant.”

Vanessa felt sharp pains clenching inside her chest. She couldn’t breathe. Their young daughter was sleeping in the next room. What was going to happen to my family? She thought. The tears started falling.

Story Three: Loving You For Too Long: The Distant Connection

Intro:

“What does your tattoo mean?” Vanessa was reluctant to answer the man’s question. She had felt him looking at her while she was waiting at the bar to order drinks for herself and her friends. She did not intend to be social with anyone other than the people she came to meet. 

She glanced at him quickly. He looked like a modest man, no flashy clothing, no gaudy jewelry, he wore a simple watch.

“It means, Live, Love, and Laugh.” 

“That’s nice. My name is Marcus. A few of my friends and I are visiting from out of town. We travel together every year.” 

“I love that. Do you want to come join my friends and I at our table?” 

Vanessa and Marcus sat to themselves for almost an hour getting familiar with each other. They focused on each other’s words. She wanted to know more about him and he asked equally engaging questions. He was pleasant. He invited Vanessa and her friends to join him and his friends later that evening. He told her not to worry about anything and that she was going to have a great time. Again, Vanessa was reluctant. Even though they spent an hour getting to know each other, he was still a stranger. 

“So Ms. Vanessa, what do you think of me?”

“Umm…You’re decent.”

“DECENT?” It was as if Vanessa had thrown a dagger at him, “Okay, I’m decent then.” It seemed that Marcus was prepared to show her that he was more than decent.

What We Love and What We Lust is NOT the Same

“Sometimes people love the idea of you, but don’t actually love you.”

I had a conversation with someone the other day and he says: “Just because I think something is good, doesn't make it right.” - I thought that was such a great sentiment of self-awareness. We're human, so we lust and desire things, but it doesn't mean those things are good for us, let alone right for us.

Are you able to distinguish love and lust?

Lust is driven by physical attraction and desire for gratification. It is focused on the self and is often fleeting in nature, transient moments slip through our fingers like sand, leaving behind only memories etched in the heart.

Love, on the other hand, involves a deeper connection that goes beyond physical attraction. It encompasses care, respect, trust, and emotional intimacy. Love is enduring and involves a sense of commitment and mutual growth.

In summary, lust is temporary and self-centered, while love is long-lasting and involves a deep emotional bond between individuals. The difference between lust and love is explained through lived experiences. In the moment, you may think it’s love because you may have emotions attached to the person, but in hindsight you realize it was just an exaggeration of lust to lengthen your time of experience with someone because you desire them and not necessarily love them in a deeper capacity.

Lust:

  • Immediate sensation driven by impulses. It can be a powerful feeling that makes you avoid common sense.

  • Lust is typically transient and momentary. It thrives on the here and now, seeking instant gratification without concern for the future.

  • The person you lust is an object of desire. You mainly focus on what they can provide and how they are willing or able to satisfy you.

  • Lust is ego-centric. It’s more about fulfilling your own desires and needs. It is a self-centered emotion that does not necessarily consider the well-being or feelings of the other person.

  • The feeling of lust is intense and consuming. It narrows your attention and makes you preoccupied with that desired person instead of looking at the bigger picture of if this person will a significant part of your future or not.

Love:

  • Deep Connection: Love is more profound, beyond physical attraction. It encompasses emotional, intellectual, and sometimes spiritual bonds.

  • There a Temporal Depth with love. Unlike how lust is like sand slipping through your fingers, love involves a past, present, and future, with a commitment to the other person that extends beyond the immediate moment.

  • With love, you look at the person as a whole individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. There is a mutual recognition and respect for each other's humanity.

  • Love is other-centric. It involves a genuine concern for the other person's well-being and happiness. It includes acts of care, sacrifice, and selflessness, where the needs and desires of the other person is prioritized.

  • The experience of love is steady and enduring even with the highs and lows of emotions. It may have moments of intensity similar to lust, but it is characterized by consistent feelings of an abiding connection. Even if you are not speaking to the person, you still have a sense of connection to them because you’ve invested into them more than just them being an object of lust and fun times.

Overall, Lust is an intense, immediate desire focused on physical gratification and the self, while love is more profound, with a deeper rooted connection that involves emotional and intellectual bonds, and considering the well-being of the other person.

Do you know the difference now?

There’s guys who are just the take home guys and then there’s guys who your momma would love. Some men think they are both, but in reality they are either one or the other. The person you lust, you may think they can meet your family, but do they really make a good impression of YOU? Remember, the company you keep say speak to the type of person you are because YOU made a decision to have the person around.

When we are in the moment with someone, we can confuse lust and love, and we end up blurring what we think is good at the moment with what is right for us. Remember the 25 year old from Chicago I mentioned a while back? His affinity for me was based on lust because we were not emotionally or intellectually aligned. That’s not to say he was not smart, he was very clever and business driven. However, his capacity of life only extends to his current maturity level, meaning that he still needs to experience more growth and character development.

Yet, there is a question of “Is there a point in our lives where we plateau in our growth?” I think it’s between our late 30s and early 50s that we sort of settle into who we are. We are still learning and experiencing new things and maybe changing some of our ways of thinking, but we’ve also reach a steadiness in how we move and live our lives that is best suited for our health and well-being. We subconsciously developed a standard of what we will and will not accept. — Although, I cannot speak for everyone, because I know people in their late 40s and 50s who are still moving recklessly and acting like it’s not making them look a certain type of way. I also think being able to understand is being open to hearing and taking accountability of what you’ve done and making an effort to adjust. Which brings me back to knowing the difference between lust and love.

Don’t let lust make you a fool and have you thinking it’s something more than just what it is, because love has its battles that extends over time. Love isn’t easy. You can go to war against someone you love and still come through the other side with a new perspective of each other and find new ways to communicate with each other and be in each others lives. When you go to war against someone you lust, there is no resolution or understanding. It more of an unhealthy cycle, either the person appeals to what you want and you continue to entertain them, or they stand on what they want and eventually one of you or both of your get tired of the cycle and in time the two of you fade out of eachothers lives and become distant memories. With those people, if and when you think of them, you may think “Yeah, that was fun, but I’m still glad it’s over.”

This may be an unpopular opinion, but some of your broken or failed relationships were based on lust that may have had ideas of love, but was never really love. This is not the same as when love fades because that happens. People do grow apart, but the people you loved and grew apart from still remain in your thoughts in some way. You may wonder if they are doing okay, or how their family is, or if they still go to the same places, or if they’ve reached the goals they once told you about, or when you hear their name, your heart flickers a little, or when you see them, you don’t know exactly what to say because there’s so many thoughts going through your head about them. That’s how you know they still have a piece of your heart.

Lust fades, it comes and goes, it’s superficial, it’s fun, it’s exciting. Love is the same, but it has its frustrations, and confusions, and misunderstands, but the person still stays on your mind and gives you various feelings then you see them or think of them. Does this make sense? This may be something you just need to think more about to yourself and decide if you really understand the parameters of love and lust, because both do involve emotions and feelings, one just runs deeper and transcends over time.

Be safe everyone.

Good Friends

“I’m happy you’re here with me.”

I know we have a lot of new people here. I looked at the site traffic and seen a spike of new readers/listeners. Welcome! I hope that whatever reason brought you here and whatever reason you continued to come back that I am giving you something either entertaining, valuable, or both. Contrary to what it may seem, I am traditionally a private person. When I share things about myself or my life, I don’t share distinct details. I share just enough to let you know where I’m at in life, what my focus is, and the types of people I interact with. But the main purpose is to share GROWTH. Because as we go through different stages, ages, experiences, and come across different people, we learn a little more about ourselves and how our minds and ideas can shift. And I’ve had a lot of shifting lately, and I love it, because that confirms to me that I can triumph over anything even if it means doing something or making decisions that I thought I’d never make. And one of the main reasons I am the person that I am at this moment is the people I have around me, my family who are dysfunctionally amazing, and my friends who are just as dysfunctional amazing. That’s what I want to talk about today….the people you choose to be in your life, the people who end up becoming linked to your heart.

I want to share how much I appreciate the people who keep loving me no matter anyone else's opinions or experiences with me. For the most part, they respect that I don't share all my business with people and they continue to show their love and support for me even from a distance. I have friends all around the world and have kept friends for over 20 years. It’s sad when I hear people can’t even keep friendships for mote than a few years. My friends make up pieces of my heart, they are my extended family and they feel the same about me, just like in a previous topic, a friend said to me, “Raya, you’re not going anywhere and we’re not letting you go” when I was telling him about my dating life and that there was someone who is shining brightly in my life right now. My friend said that to let me know that no matter whoever I chose to have around, I’ll always be accepted by them even if the person I have around doesn’t fit in our circle of people. And do have different circles of friends, I believe that’s normal. I have my friends who I have lunch or dinner with every now and then. I also have friends who I party with. I have friends who I grab drinks with and I have friends who I only speak to or see once or twice a year. They all have seen various parts of me or my life. I love them all differently and they all love me the same.

And how I know they truly love me is when I may do something or make a decision that doesn’t highlight me in the best way, they'll call me or pull me to the side and tell me about it. They don’t criticize me or talk down on me, but this also attests to their maturity. If you slander me because you’re upset about something what does that say about you? Especially if you slander me to people who can’t even keep up with me, again what does that say about you? When I’m upset with someone, I say nothing against them. If they want to go off and call me out of my name or say the worst things about me, it only makes me want to say quiet even more. Sometimes you’ve got to let people show their demons. Also people who slander you when they barely know you speak volumes about their thought process as well. We now live in a world where being snippy, catty, and vindictive to someone is praised. How I grew up, we left that kind of behavior in high school and college.

Now, I’m not saying all my friends are perfect, of course they have their vices and unfavorable attributes about them, but how they understand and handle me is perfect. And even if we have disagreements, we still know that the friendship isn’t over, we just need time to come back and be good again. The same friend I mentioned earlier, I told him that all of them are blessings to me, this includes the friends I grew up with and the friends that our outside of the group he’s in, because all of them have imprinted onto my psyche in a way that I look at community, companionship, friendship and love a little differently now. Do you have people in your life like this? I hope you do, because even though you master your goals and success on your own, it’s the people you have in your life that help you master growth through all of that, whether they impact you directly or indirectly.

I don’t know if I have personal friends that come on here, but if there are some of you here…

Thank you for loving me and supporting me however you can and however you do.

Be safe everyone.

Professor of Love

“What if I want to love you? Over and over again.”

I want to open your minds a little and it’s ok to be hesitant about thinking this way. I am still mind blown about this. I was speaking to a college professor who teaches sexuality, but she uses European theories. If any of you are familiar with how some European ideologies about sex then you’ll be able to follow this. The prof. said not to get jammed up about someone who is sexually liberated with someone who is promiscuous. She said Americans tend to view sex as an act that only should happen between someone you are in a long term commitment with. That’s why there is a feeling of rebellion and being promiscuous because people don’t want to conform with American ideologies. But she also says that many American adults view sex as an either an empty act to appease themselves or an act to confirm a right to someone. Prof. says that’s now how it should be.

She says the only one that owns our bodies is us and sex should be regarded as something healthy. Something our bodies need and something that we should not be ashamed for wanting. She also claims that having several partners is also healthy…this is what blew my mind. She explains that many of the French and the Italians and other cultures have open sexual relationships. They will have one long-term partner, like a spouse, but they also have several other companions that not just fill their sexual needs, but also their companionship needs. Say if a man has a wife who doesn’t like to go to concerts, he’ll have another partner who will attend the events with him. And if that partner doesn’t like to go to museums, the man many have a third partner who does. These are all fluid relationship that have love and affection, but each relationship has different purposes, including the sexual nature of these relationships. Your body feels different sensations from different activities and interactions. For instance, after your partner cooks you a great meal, or takes you away on a weekend trip, or presents you with a sentimental gift.

There is still emotion connected to these separate partners because you have a unique connection with one that you do not have with the other and vise versa. When the Prof. was explaining all of this to me what was in awww. I was intrigued. I was like, “OMG, this makes a lot of sense!” Then I thought of my friend who does have a wife and a couple of girlfriends. I kind of want to talk to him about this, but I don’t like to know too much of my married friend’s extramarital activities. But the Prof. gave me something to ponder on. Could I have several companions? I like to travel, could I have a travel companion? I like to eat and try new foods, could I have a foodie companion? The Prof. also said that you don’t want too many partners, because you still need time for yourself, your family, your work, and your personal goals. She says 2 or 3 is a good number and reveals that she has 3 people that she is currently dating and they are all aware that she is dating other people because she was very honest with what she wanted.

Of course I asked her what happens if she is with one of them and they run into another one. She said it’s happened a few times, but because she has been honest with all of them, there is no element of surprise. She introduces them just like she would introduce a friend or family member and continues her time with the one she’s out with. She says a lot of people want to be like this, but they are not as transparent as they should be with their partners. To make it all work, there has to be honesty. She also advocates that single women who have high levels of success should adopt this ideology. Which then I realized why she was having this type of discussion with me.

Could I do something like this? Men can be resentful when they feel they are not the only one that has your affections. They may try to play it off, but they’ll end up doing or saying something that lets you know they are not happy about your choices. And I do not want anyone I am involved with to feel that I do not have real feelings for him. My feelings run deep. Obviously, if you been here the last few months, you know how much I expressed my rollercoaster of emotions with my previous lover. When I care, I care a lot, sometimes too much and sometimes it’s not enough.

If I were to consider having several lovers, he could not be anyone who I’ve already known for many years, because I want to keep my friendships as they are. I’d want to present this to someone new because the idea is that the relationship only feeds a certain purpose so they are not going to be integrated with all the other parts of my life. I don’t know, it seem complicated, but the Prof. says people need to stop limiting their happiness to one person. She says you can have more love for one person, but you can have equal happiness with other people without damaging the love for that person. I did ask her if she loved one man more than the other two and she says it changes constantly because she is not married to any of them or live with any of them so she really has not emotional obligation to any one of them.

Of course we talked about the sex and she says they all fulfill her needs because she has different things in common with all of them so they arouse different emotions in her. This is a lot to think about. I’ve always maintained one lover at a time. I don’t know how I would incorporate another one, if in fact that is something I really want to explore. To me, I guess it would be more realistic to have one main partner and then have another partner who provides another element of interest. I guess that’s what some people do anyway, but like the Prof. said, it should be treated more as a decision of personal wellness and not a decision of ego and pride. Will these partners give you the factors you want or need to where you feel fully satisfied in your life or current state of mind? Do they appeal to you where you can still be your true self and be the best version of yourself.

I think I shared before that one of my married friends says he needs to have girlfriends because he needs to have those connections outside of his marriage for him to be the best husband he can be. And ever since I’ve known him, he’s never been shy to mention his wife and family; they have always come first before any girlfriend and he’s had to breakup with a few of them because they didn’t understand or wanted more of him. And as wrong as all of that may sound, I stand by my friend. His wife and his home is happy and I know he would do anything for them, so I don’t have anything bad to say about his extra activities. He even put me before his girlfriends at times. So whatever his ideology is or however he’s doing it; he’s handling it very well and he is still a great friend to me.

Is this something you could do? Or if you are already doing something like this, could you be better at doing it? I’m on the fence with this, but let me know your thoughts.

Be safe everyone.

Take Control

“I want to be led, not misled.”

I ran into a friend over the weekend. He’s one of my dearest friends. I’ve always seen him to be a sensible man and very reserved, good father, good husband, very caring, I’ve never heard any crazy stories about him…other than his college years, but I heard crazy stories about all of them during their college years. But with him, and I could be very wrong…I mean, I have been wrong about people before 😒, but with him I feel like he left his college years in college and even though he may still hang out with the group every now and then, he doesn’t get lost his any decisions that will make him look bad or that he’s trying to relive certain moments of his life. I feel like with all of my guy friends who like to be out and be around various women, he rather be home with his family. I’ve always felt comfortable around him ever since I first met him. I’m saying all this to say that I do have guys friends who don’t partake in all the extracurricular activities outside the house, again, I could be wrong, but I’ve never seen that side of him. And if I ever hear anyone say anything bad about him, I’ll punch them in the throat.

Anyway, I bumped into him when I was stepping out for a little, he was in town visiting some family and we decided to catch up. We talked about various things and he asked me about my dating life. I ended up telling him about my new friend and he had a few follow up questions, which I did not mind answering. I told him that I am not rushing into anything and that I still needed to be focused on school, work, and family. My friend comforted me and let me know there was nothing wrong with that and that it’s best to put those things first and told me that if the guy didn’t understand, then he’s not it. I appreciated hearing that. I didn’t go into all the details about the new friend, but I did say that he seems to be doing everything right at the moment. Then my friend tells me, “Well, you’re not going anywhere and we’re not letting you go (meaning our group of friends), so if you’re going to keep this guy around he’s eventually going to come across us.” - I am nowhere near that point yet, because one thing about this group, anyone new that’s coming around us has to adjust to us and how we move, we’re not adjusting them, man or woman. Because there’s a certain decorum with this group and if you don’t fit into it, the you’re only welcome when you’re with one of us. But this may not even happen with the guy because this is still new and he may get impatient with me and have another woman who isn’t as focused as I am.

Then my friend asked me what I do like in a man and without hesitation, I said, I like a man who takes control 🫦. I don’t mind a man who goes with the flow and tries to match my mood, but every now and then I like for a man tell me what I want or tell me what to do. I told him that I’m very headstrong and I have conditioned my life to be very independent that it’s nice when a man takes the wheel and makes the decisions for me. Still be a gentleman, but also make me feel wanted, still be gentle with me, but let me know in some type of way that you got me🔒. Even though I’m at a level in life where I attract high caliber men, I’m still a prize too. I’m a great catch too. And I like when a man identifies that and makes it clear that I am in his favor.

Say if my new friend and I become involved and he becomes my lover, there’s a difference in asking “Are you coming with me?” vs. “You’re coming with me.” Asking me can be very open-ended, whereas telling me is letting me know what you want and what I am going to do. It’s the same when giving me a compliment, giving me a generic compliment doesn’t get me, but giving me a compliment that speaks to that fact you’ve been paying attention to the things I do or say is more unique. I had a man once criticize me because I took a picture and had one of my luxury accessories in the picture, making it seem like I was doing to much. But when I showed another man a similar picture, he complimented how I took it and how nice the picture was. It was almost like the first guy just wanted to take away from me when the other person wanted to pour into me. - *And you have to recognize when people are doing this, man or woman. When people really support you, they’re not going to find ways to break you down. I like for a man to say something that catches my heart. Say something so sweet to me that my bra undoes itself. Say something to me that makes me look at you with admiration..or makes me want you right in that moment. 😼

Even how a man says hi to me can make a difference. I don’t like being called pretty girl or babygirl, evening being called Ms. Raya throws me off a little. Some of my guy friends do it, I don’t say anything because I know that’s just they’re normal vernacular, but I don’t much care for it. But I do love for a man to see me walking towards me, give a big smile and say, “Hey, beautiful.” ✨️ As simple as that is, especially if I have something with you or I’m interested in you, I love that. Like take control of my mood, make me feel like no matter what we’re doing, you are going to make sure I enjoy my time with you. Come collect me, come take me, even if I put up a little fight, don’t get scared of me, I’m just not used to a man taking control, so be that man.

Some of the guy friends I hang out with have this nature about them, of course since they are only my friends, there’s a limit they can go with me, but if they sense that I’ve had too many drinks, they won’t let me drive. Or if they sense I am uncomfortable, they’ll come to my side. No matter how independent I am, I’m still a woman, I still want to feel safe, be protected, and cared for. And I would love a partner who does that for me. Don’t tiptoe around it, tell me you want me, tell me I’m yours, tell me no one else can have me like you have me. Take control, because who’s leading this, me or you? 🙃

Be safe everyone.

Reader Question: Checking On An Ex

One of you readers asked me the following question:

“What does it mean when my ex keeps checking up on me through other people, but he doesn't call or text me directly?”

I think this is another one of those silly things that men do. If you're over a woman, why do you keep checking up on her? And there may be several reasons. He may still genuinely care, but just wants to keep his distance. Or he may be trying to find his way back but just isn’t sure what your current situation is.

But, here’s the kicker. The reader also says that he has a current girlfriend! 🥴

We’re going to call the reader, “Ms. P”.

Ms. P says that he's been seen around with the same woman for quite some time now, but he is still asking about her. And she said that she thinks he has his friends checking her social media pages for him. Ms. P does tell me she is single and doesn't want to be involved in any mess that he might cause especially if he is in a relationship with someone. But, Ms. P, it may be one of those situations where his just passing the time with a woman but they're not really together. Relationship have so many dynamics these days, who knows who's together or not.

I asked her if she wanted her ex to reach out to her directly and I’m not going to reveal her answer but I will go on to say the following…

Someone indirectly keeping up with what you're doing could be some of the reasons I've already mentioned, but I think also, how you two ended things may play a part. Do you guys feel like everything that needed to be done and said was in fact done and said? Or do you feel there's still some open feelings there? It's hard to really say why someone keeps checking up on you after things have ended unless you ask them and even then they may not really tell you.

But Ms. P, I think you should ask him and see what type of answer you get. Although, be careful because if he is in a real relationship he needs to be clear about that too. He may just want to talk about some things that he feels he needs to say. And you did say you guys were together a long time and it's been a year since your break up. With long-term relationships, it can be hard to shake someone and it can take many years to do so. It is possible there’s unresolved feelings there, but do you want to open the door for that? And if you do reach out to him and find out that he wants to rekindle something with you then you need to know where that other woman stands if there is someone he’s seeing.

I hope that with any of my previous relationships, if they want to know what's going on then they will contact me directly. I’ve not changed my number since my early 20s, and I have a public online portfolio with my contact information on it, so I'm not impossible to reach. And if anyone is trying to keep up with me on social media or even on here, I don’t share everything. I only share a few highlights and most of my topics are influenced by your questions and engagements. For instance, if it seems like I keep mentioning someone over and over, it’s because I get inundated with your inquiries. I go with the trend of what you mostly like to read or hear about while still maintaining a level of privacy. So if any of my previous personal affairs want to know about me, then just call me, Fam!

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽❤️

The Curriculum Of My Sensuality

ATTN: Before anyone starts loading up in the messages, YES, I do still see that someone keeps getting passed certain firewalls and leaving nasty comments. I do not know how this is occuring, but I ask all of my dedicated visitors not to focus on that type of negativity. Whoever that person(s) is, I can only hope for other people to eventually see the true nature of that person(s) and realize they can only hide their petty actions for but so long. When I would react to things like that, I would get criticized by certain people because they did not want to see what was happening to me. Things happen outside of my control and as much as I am trying to process certain damage, triggers keep appearing, and it doesn’t help when people are hostile towards me. There is nothing for me to do but to continue in my blessings and wish the best. What I discuss on my platforms or do on my own time should not upset someone so much that they say such vile things.

Happy people aren’t bitter and bitter people aren’t happy. I am not going to be part of Misery’s company.

“The Sensual Part of Me is the Best Part of Me.”

I am more intuned with myself these days. I don’t agree to things I disagree with and I don’t become too close to people who may not align with my values and long-term goals. I have realized that I see the world through my senses. You’re probably thinking, “But Raya, don’t we all use our senses?” And yes, you’d be correct, and yes, I am referring to our taste, touch, smell, sound, sight, and our 6th sense. What I am alluding to is a more sensual nature of the senses, not sexual, but sensual. The elements that make up your aura. I don’t just embrace what I see, hear, taste, smell, touch, or intuitively feel, I sit in the moment. When I eat, I don’t just enjoy the flavors, I think about the ingredients, the presentation, the textures, the time it took, and my reaction after the first bite. When I look at people, I look at them deeply, not just the curvatures of their face, but also the uniqueness of their smile, the movement in their eyes, the way they sit, the way they walk, how they enter a room. I’ve been told that I can have a very intense gaze. My eye contact makes people feel I’m looking into their soul sometimes 🤣. I do try to maintain good I contact, I think that is a part of being engaged in a conversation and active listening, but I guess I need to look away more often. 😉

Embracing your sensuality as a holistic way of life, you can cultivate a deeper connection with yourself, people, and the world around you. Sensuality is about deeply engaging with and appreciating the sensory experiences that life offers, creating a profound sense of happiness and peace.

When I say the Curriculum of My Sensuality, I am speaking about my senses of peace, happiness, and comfort. Some people just see something and have no further thought. I see something and think of its architecture. I like finding the beauty in everything, it’s one of the hallmarks I’ve developed over the years and it’s become more defined recently. Being in the essence of the outside world makes me just as happy as being in the essence of my own private space.

One of my mentees, I think she is 28 or 29, beautiful girl, dark chocolate skin, gorgeous long hair, sweet soul, and she’s been taking some style notes from me, which hey, not to pat myself on the back, but when I was in high school, everyone thought I’d be traveling the world styling the rich and famous. And my mentee is so smart, she doesn’t limit herself to the small town she grew up in. She looks around and sees people becoming complacent with their limitations and surroundings with them believing that’s the best they can do, she doesn’t think like that. She believes that working odd jobs is okay as a stepping stone, but unless it becomes a career, she believe everyone should move on to better circumstances and benefits. Yeah…that’s MY MENTEE. She’s going to do great things in life. I can sit here all day and praise her. She told me the other day, “Raya, you always have this calm radiance about you. What’s that about?” I laughed a little bit and told her that I just got better at balancing what I want, what I need, what is long-term, and what is temporary in my life. I don’t mind being the woman sitting by myself at a restaurant, I don’t mind being looked at from afar and whispered about, I don’t mind people feeling intimidated around me, I don’t mind people disliking me. But I do mind how I feel in any moment. I mind myself. How are my senses being affected and how does that affect change my mood? Then I make decisions in conjunction of my mood. I love for people to see me and see how unbothered I am, but also how happy I am.

A lively heart and a quiet life is another part of my curriculum. I told one of my friends that having high-key love and a low-key life is what works best for me. It’s what keeps me grounded. People who see me out may think I am a social butterfly, but they only see me in that element for a short period of time, while most of my time is spent inside my own little world. I don’t always attend the happening events or accept everyone invitation somewhere. I go where I feel I can be comfortable.

Life tend to push us towards all different types of connections and events, finding comfort in solitude and peace in selective interactions is a powerful act of self-preservation. It's not about withdrawing from the world, but rather about engaging with it on your own terms, in ways that nurture you rather than drain you.

Reflecting on yourself is an ongoing practice. Consider these questions when figuring out your own Curriculum of Sensuality, or Peace or Happiness, whatever you want to label it:

  1. What Are My Non-Negotiables? Identify the core values and needs that are essential to your well-being. These are the things that you must have in your life to feel grounded and fulfilled.

  2. How Do I Recharge? Think about the activities and environments that replenish your energy. Do you feel most at peace around family, close friends, or just having an open conversation with someone who actively listens? Understanding this helps you prioritize your time and energy.

  3. What Drains Me? Recognize the situations and interactions that leave you feeling depleted. This awareness can guide you in setting boundaries and saying no to what doesn’t serve your well-being.

  4. How Do I Want to Be Seen? Consider how you want to be perceived by others versus how you perceive yourself. Sometimes, the image we project might not align with our true selves. Strive to bridge that gap by living authentically.

  5. What Brings Me Joy? Joy can come in small, unexpected moments. Reflect on the things that light up your day and make you smile. Incorporate more of these moments into your routine….especially if part of your joy is coming on here and listening to my words for a few minutes a day! Aye, I LOVE IT! 😉

  6. Am I Listening to My Body? Pay attention to how your body reacts to different situations. Physical sensations are indicators of your emotional state. Use this information to make choices that support your overall mental well-being and happiness.

Remember that it's okay to evolve and change. Your thoughts today might not be the same tomorrow, and that's perfectly fine. Learn how to gracefully incorporate that change without any harm. Embrace the fluidity of your wants and desires, and allow yourself the time and patience to grow. Even if you’re in your 60s. We are ever growing and changing. The more in tune you are with yourself, the more equipped you'll be to navigate life's complexities, at any age or milestone.

Be safe everyone.

The Silly Things Men Do

“You entertained someone half of me. Now I look at you and think: Where’s the other half of you?”

Sorry for the background noise in the below audio, I was still in the coffee shop and wanted to share the run in.

It's no secret I have a lot of male friends. All of them are different, respectfully, and in some way, they are also all the same. It's also no secret that I love my fellas dearly...but they're still men and I still look at them sideways sometimes.

Many of you ladies have shared your stories with me and I love that you feel comfortable enough to share personal parts of your lives with me. So I came up with a summary of things men do that either makes no sense, or just completely foolish. Ladies, this one is for you. I’ve collected all your thoughts from the last few months and we are going to walk through them together. Fellas, we love you, let me say that first, but sometimes you are too all too common without any sense. I also need to mention this topic is not a dig, but there is value in sharing this because it may give all of us different perspectives on how we handle and communicate with each other.

So let’s go…

  • Afraid to show feelings: Fellas if you like for us to let you know what we feel or think of you, give that same energy back. If you like us to tell you how great you are, compliment you, and make you feel noticed and appreciated, do the same for us to.

  • Tell her you miss her: If you miss someone, SAY IT! Men, when you tell a woman you miss her there’s no telling how she will perceive that, but if you just miss her energy, conversation, and presence, there’s no shame in letting her know. You CAN tell a friend you miss them without anything being misunderstood. I have serval guy friends who I tell that I miss them, I told one them the other day and told them I wanted to plan to hang out with them soon.

  • Not apologizing: This one is a big one. If you have done something to hurt her, APOLOGIZE for it. Now I cannot speak for every woman, but sometimes that is all I need to hear, nothing else, no explanation, no long conversation, just an “I’m sorry for everything” or “I’m sorry for how I made you feel.” is good for me. My friends who are husbands always tell me they if their wives are upset, they find a way to make it up to her or feel better, even if it means apologizing. And sometimes they tell me that they apologize for things that they are not even clear about 😆. But it comforts their wives so they do it. I mean that's your wife, you took the highest vow for her.

  • Avoiding her and giving another woman attention: This one can be a little hard to navigate for some of you men. If there is a woman you think about, admire, or have some type of feelings for, don’t make her feel the latter or make her feel insignificant by giving more attention to another woman. I’m not sure if any of you are able to pick up on this, but sometimes you can feel when someone has something for you (good or bad), but if it’s good, why would you make them feel unseen? For me, small gestures mean so much like checking on me, saying something kind to me, or asking to see me….I love things like this. Just like with telling someone you miss them, it's similar here, if you like her, don’t make her believe that you don’t.

  • Saying things out of frustration: I hate this one and I have been more cognizant of what I say when I am upset with someone. I try not to say anything that hurts them or makes them feel less of a person, but some men still need to learn self awareness in the aspect. But when you do realize the things you said that were hurtful, APOLOGIZE. One of the truest acts of an honorable man is recognizing he did something wrong or shameful and making a mends for it. Don't claim to be a good man or at peace with everything if you’ve not made peace with those you have acted poorly towards. Fellas, get it together. If you know better, do better. 🤷🏽‍♀️

  • *Don’t put a lesser woman higher than a whole woman: I wasn’t sure how to label this one, but many of you ladies have shared similar stories of men seeking women who are half the woman they are and there may be many reasons for this. Ladies, do get upset, but this is some the the things my guy friends have told me:

    • Sometimes a lesser woman is just there for fun because there’s nothing significant he can really have with her.

    • Some older men seek younger women to make themselves feel younger and if you recall in a previous post, a friend explained that the younger generation “go after it more”, so they tend to do more for the attention and affections of a man and can be reckless in doing so, while older woman are more established in their value and confidence and require equal efforts from a man. So a man who isn't able to give equal effort will resort to a lesser woman.

    • In conjunction to that, a lesser woman folds more to a man’s requests. Now, I believe in treating a man good, but you don't get top quality treatment from the start. Just like you don't automatically get a degree or a successful business, you have to work for it. And trust me, we know some men don't like that, so let those men run around with their foolishness.

✨️ But ladies, let me give you some light to all of this…

My fellas also tell me that a lesser woman cannot provide a man with the same infrastructure of companionship. This might go over some of your heads (especially the men who may have felt slighted from this topic), but basically what my guys are saying is that, don’t make yourself lesser when you worked hard and have went through a lot of experiences to make you MORE. Actually, you should take pride in being the kind of woman who doesn’t fold for a man who has lesser values in the women they decide to entertain. Think more on this, all of you.

Fellas, if you fall into any of these things, you're not the worst, especially if you realize you can do things differently. And if you are entertaining a lesser woman for thrills, then have your fun times, but don’t put that woman above a woman who you know is so much more. That's just disrespectful, not only to her, but to your persona as well. But aye, do what you want.

Be safe everyone.

May Day 🎂

“Celebrate Life”

May has always been a big month in my life and household. I not only have my birthday, but I also have my daughter’s birthday, mother’s day, memorial day weekend is always a United celebration, and the weather is getting into the summer, so yeah May is a big deal.

But, I want to make this topic short, sweet, and informative.

The older we get the more care we need to take for ourselves, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Mentally. We should keep ourselves from any unnecessary stress or conflicts. There may be people in our lives that we may like a lot, but they are not good for our mental health because they do not align with our lives enough that gives us the peace we need. They may give you joy, but do they give you PEACE? That is a personal question you need to ask yourself. Someone can give you excitement, but are they also giving you calmness and steadiness in your mind?

Physically. This one is very important especially those of us who are 35 and older. Your physical health plays a part in your overall happiness and well-being. GET THOSE CHECK-UPS! Ladies, this means go see your GYN and schedule that mammogram because the Hello Kitty and the Girls need to get check every year at the very least. Fellas, I know you guys needs to get your parts check too and it is more imperative the older you get especially if there are medical concerns in the family bloodline. Do not push anything off until later, especially if you are experience on-going pain or discomfort anywhere. We need to enjoy our lives and our loved ones, but we have to be healthy enough to do so.

Spiritually. One of the things I am learning from my new friend is that energies can transfer. I’ve always know this, but he’s been reminding me more it more and more lately. You know that saying, “Misery loves company”? People who are not in good spirits or who have underlying negative intentions will imprint their energies onto you if you are not careful around them. And that energy can drain you and affect you mentally, further affecting you physically. So someone who may seem like they are good to connect with may not be the best connection for you. The thing is you really have to pay attention to people’s moods and behaviors. If you find yourself questioning how they move and trying to correct what they do, then their spirits are in a different mode of life than you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, but rather they are just not your kind of people to keep too close to you if you don’t have to.

Everything we do is a choice and just because something or someone is fun, doesn’t always mean it’s healthy for us long term. Definitely have your fun, but be aware of your limits too and how it impacts you and your surroundings, because your Mental, Physical, and Spirit rely on it.

Be Safe Everyone!

He Makes Me Want To Be More Feminine

“There’s 3 emotions that can kill you: 1. Love 2. Revenge 3. Greed.

I am too blessed to be greedy and I don’t have the time for revenge. ”

I don’t want to speak too much about this because I do not want to get ahead of myself, so this may be the first and last time I mention something like this.

So there is someone I’ve been getting to know. He's very new to me, not even a full year. Nothing has happened between us other than conversations, so I don’t have a pseudonym for him at the moment. It it becomes something, I may create a little nickname for him.

He's very aware of my life and what I'm trying to do so he knows that my time is limited and so is my headspace. The way he talks to me is so sweet, it's like he wants to protect my soul and he makes me feel so feminine. Let me try to explain it…

My natural vernacular, the way I speak, the tones I used when I'm excited or sad can be brass at times, but I don't do that with him. It’s like there’s a softness that takes over me and I want my words to be delicate with him. I’m nervous to share this with my friends especially the fellas because they're going to ask me to bring him around and I’m not ready to do that for two reasons. 1. I know how my guy friends are. They’ll do or say things to test him or get a feel for him, and that's not a bad thing. I’m just don’t want him to be in that scenario right now. I want to learn him some more. 2. If I bring this man around, they are going to see how different I am with him. They've seen the tough and strong Raya. They've seen the no tolerance Raya. They've never seen this version of me and to be honest THIS VERSION of me is a bit surprising to me too!

It's like as soon as I see a message from him or hear his voice or lay eyes on him, my cold exterior melts. I look at him and instantly feel like there’s a layer of love covering me and that he won't let anyone hurt me or disrespect me. Maybe he's only in my life to teach me that there are men who can make me feel like this where I can completely be soft and pink. If that's his purpose, if he here to prepare me for my next love, then I fully accept it. Because again, he knows I can't focus on a relationship right now he also knows that I need to keep my heart to myself for a little bit and that I’m only extending it to the people who’ve already been in my life for many years.

He doesn’t know the details of my most recent lover, but he knows there's some damage there. And I did tell him that I have common friends with the previous lover. He asked a few questions about that, but I expected it because yeah, if you're slightly interested in someone and they are close friends with people who's close to the last person they were involved with, how does that work? But he doesn't give me any insecure vibes or suspicious vibes. He even said that when the time is right, I will eventually have a healthy interaction with the previous lover. But he also said that anyone who was willing to give me up completely don’t really deserve to even be near me. I’m sure he was trying to make me feel good with that last statement, and it did. 🥰

He's very confident. He's not pressuring me to be anymore than a friend who he shares insightful conversations with. Who knows, that might be part of his finesse, but let me not allow my mind to go there. I've experienced men be one way when I meet them and become another way afterwards. But I’ve never been as gentle as I am and the way I am with this one.

The way he says my name makes my heart flutter. He has that southern twang in his speech but he articulates his words very well, he’s highly intelligent and with me being an academic, I admire that a lot. Even his emotional intelligence has shocked me, he listens to what I talk about and reads between my lines to pick up on what I don’t say and he doesn’t use that against me, he just listens and let’s me be as comfortable as I need to be.

But I am more surprised with myself! I know I am a good person and I know I am sweet to people especially when they are sweet to me, but I never caught myself being so soft before.

I’m fcked, aren’t I Ladies? Yeah, I think I need not to speak to him for a few weeks. I cannot make any big changes in my life right now, let alone make any changes with my heart. I am not ready for that yet and sadly, if that means I lose the connection with him, then that’s the sacrifice I need to make in order to reach the success I want and keep the peace I have. That may be unfortunate for him, but I can’t get involved with anyone’s misrepresented soul again. I still need to protect mine. I’m not a bum b*ch waiting for a man to change my life and wear me on his arm or show me to the world like a trinket. No, I’m not one of these girls living life on a whim chasing after an emotional high. I have plans, I want great things. When I am ready to love, I am going to LOVE. Right now, I like him. He’s good to my soul and making me reveal a part of me that I did not know was there.

Goodness, I hope he's as good as he seems to be, Lord knows I deserve it.

Be safe everyone.

Lessons On Class And Confidence

“My standards are too high to be out here doing what I see these girls doing for validation and attention.” - My Daughter

Finishing schools for girls used to be widely popular decades ago. They also stir up a little contravousey because some people believe these types of schools set women back and only groom them to be a man’s perfect companion and not anything more. I beg to differ. I honestly believe finishing school teach girls how to be demure and a proper lady. For instance, and call me stuck-up if you like, but I am not a fan of gum chewing. I think it’s distracting and meaningless.

To be clear, I never attended a finishing school, but I was raised by a father who taught me to be a lady and taught me to always present myself to the world as such. And trust me, when I am around my father, that’s what he sees…now, when he’s not around, that’s a different story, but I still maintain a level of class, and I know he’s be proud to know that 90% of the time, I am carrying myself like a proper citizen of society…I won’t speak too much of that 10%! ….Because some of the outfits I wear, I would NOT want him to see!

My father raised me to have confidence within myself, whereas my mother’s lessons were more about obtaining my confidence through men. Luckily, I leaned more on my father’s words than that of my mother. And almost all of my guy friends have mentioned at least once that the way I carry myself is admirable. One of them said that they know they’ll never see me bent over on a man or giving him a lapdance or being provocative in public…he ain’t wrong!

One of my guy friends was telling me that a girl approached him and wanted to go home with him and she didn't care if he knew her name or not. He said she was very forward. I was actually there and I noticed the interaction but, I know what the girl was saying. When he told me about it I said to him that some men like that, but he said NOT HIM. 🤣 He said that does not appeal to him and he ignored her advances. We both had a laugh about it the next day. Another friend said that birds of a feather flock together and if she is like that, her friends are most likely like that too and don't think twice about sleeping with any men and probably have a history of doing things like that. Ladies, this may seem fun and exciting, but that is NOT the look!

I know the music today does influence some of the extreme behaviors with these types of lyrics and how the artists are being advertised and promoted. They are preforming to keep a certain image, but me and you, we’re not getting paid to be over sexualized or to part of a hoe brand so Nah, baby, you've got to be better than that. And just think about the types of men who are turned on by women like that. Simple minded. 👀 To be fair, when things are done tasteful, it can be attractive, but the problem is too many people don't know the difference.

But let’s not focus on that, let’s go through a few points on how to exude class and confidence. This is mainly for women, but if you men see it fitting, then so be it. We don’t discriminate over here.

First and foremost, NEVER walk into a place with your arms crossed. Body language is EVERYTHING! When you walking into a bar, lounge, office building, stadium, wherever, keep a straight posture, shoulders relaxed, and arms down. When you have your arms crossed, it minimized you, and it can show a type of insecurity. Also, if you are going somewhere to meet people and you are not familiar with the place, walk in, stop, and quickly scan the room to look for your people. Also, never enter a place looking down on your phone. Look at your phone after scanning the room, but not when you first arrive.

If you are by yourself, do not be shy to speak to the people around you. If I am going out to eat or going to a bar by myself, I usually will sit at the bartop and if it is a little crowded, I find an open seat and softly smile at the people sitting nearby and I may say hello. Always give a welcoming presence. The other evening I was at a bar that I go to all the time and a man who goes there often too, but has never spoken to me, was sitting nearby and we struck up a conversation. He had mentioned that he noticed me a few weeks prior and noticed men approaching me and how I entertained the conversations, but still maintained a level of independence, as in “Yes, I am here alone, yes, I am friendly, but no, I am not a woman who is easily impressed or a woman you’re going to take home.” It’s always flattering when people notice things like this.

Also, if you are going to buy a drink for someone, no matter if you are a man or woman, just buy it, BUT there’s a way to do it without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Usually, if I am having a good conversation with someone and I notice them order another drink for themselves, I tell the bartender to put that drink on my tab. Or if I notice people I am familiar with, I tell the bartender to put their next round on my tab. And if I get myself any food, I offer to share it.

With physical contact, I don’t put my hands on anyone other then reaching out to hug someone. Or if I am in the middle of laughing, I may rest my hand on someone’s shoulder or arm, but I do not let it linger. Although, I have been known to gently keep my hands on someone’s back, but that’s only if I feel completely comfortable with the person. It’s the same if I hold someone’s hand. Sometimes if the conversation is getting sentimental, I hold out my hand for the person to hold as a gesture of consolation.

Confident people do not take in bad energy. If there is someone who is being rude, petty, or trying to intimate others, we don’t partake in that. Continue to enjoy yourself and the people who are enjoying themselves too. Women tend to do this often when they see other women who make them a little insecure about themselves. They tend to say things to their friends or whisper foul things under their breath. Ladies, we don’t get bothered by that. Actually, you should find amusement in people like that who rather have a bad attitude over a good time. Being happy in the moment will always outshine those who want to be callous.

Having class is having a behavior that shows people you cannot be affected by malicious people. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you know your value and worth to not succumb to tasteless acts. This also doesn’t mean you should always stay quiet and not defend yourself or other people, but it’s all in how you conduct yourself. If someone is speaking poorly towards me or about someone I care about, I don’t initially respond with aggression, I simply point out that they are entitled to their feelings, but I am not going to engage in whatever bad emotions they have of me or others. When you talk down on other people, it more so takes away from you because you are putting out negative energy that isn’t warranted or necessary. What’s that saying?…

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.

Even if I come across someone I am not in favor of, at the very least, I will say hi, but nothing more needs to be said. Why would you waste your time holding a conversation with someone who you do not have pleasant feelings about? Part of having class is having good characteristics. And the thing with confidence is that it doesn’t just come out of nowhere, it’s a portfolio of interactions and experiences with people, and it’s not just about people complimenting your look, it’s more so people affirming your character. And the weight of people affirming me is very heavy. So if someone is trying to make me feel small, it will be an instant failure on their part. I take the high ground as much as I can because taking that high ground separates me from people of less integrity and if you do the same things, be proud of yourself for it.

And ladies, if men lose interest because you're not easy or think you're boring because you hold yourself to a standard and won't break that standard for them, then that man go be with silly girls because he has a silly mind. A man of distinction is going to recognize a woman of distinction even if nothing ever happens between them, he’ll still admire a woman who sets herself apart from what everyone else may think is appealing. Because a man like that acknowledges and appreciates a woman who sets her own path and wouldn't want her to be less than what she is. So don’t feed into the nonsense. It never lasts. And you're better than that.

Be safe everyone…and stay classy.

Reconciliation

“Hey bighead.”

I love all the positive energy I am getting from many of you about my whatever situation it is. Instead of you guy saying fck that person, you guys are really saying good things. I do not know how many of you are long term here, but it kind of feels like you are growing with me. And yes, to agree with most of you, there’s always opportunities for reconciliation and resolution. Within my situation, I am not sure how possible that is, but we would both want to reconcile and one of us will need to break the ice and I could be wrong, but I feel that over the years, I have extended the olive branch many times over, this time, I think I am all out of taking the first step. Is that wrong to feel that way?

One of you said, “Send a text saying Hey bighead!” 🤣

I think the only contributing variable in a possible reconciliation is the fact we have friends in common with whom I am close to and I have gotten closer to a few ever since the smoke cleared. The friends maintain a mutual stance. They do not say anything wayward and I don’t say much about it either. I think they just have this unspoken understanding that they are just to stand by and let everything take its natural course. I respect that. I don’t like people feeling like they have to take stake in a matter that doesn’t directly involve them. And with these friends, I never could have imagined that I’d become so close to them. We all just naturally gravitated to each other. They’ve held on to me and I've held on to them. And sometimes they just randomly check on me. I was talking to one of them over the weekend and telling him that I’ve been stressed about the IRB process with my dissertation research and he says to me that if I need to block all of them for a year, they support it, but he also said that if I want to take my mind off it for a bit then we can hangout, get some food and drinks, and help me relax. I fckn love these people! Even when I don't say I’m stressed, they can hear it in my voice, they know how to read me and it's crazy because my relationship with them is far different from the relationship I have with the person we know, like that person should know how to read me and pick up on things.

And I mention previously that this person never really took the genuine time and energy to really know me, so how could they have ever loved me? I know the friends genuinely love me because they’ll say things to me that I didn’t even realized they even noticed about me, so I know they have been paying attention to who I am. I don’t think I can recall a moment where this person said something that let me know they see me. Which again, makes me sad to think about it. ❤️‍🩹

Of course this is just a small subset of my life compared to what is all on my plate, so it does not take up a lot of headspace, but there is space for it. I’m not one of those people who is like, “You’re nothing to me. Stay out of my life.” I think people who are like that are fighting demons within themselves and just don’t know how to compose themselves in a good manner. Yes, there are more pressing matters for me to address, and I’m not going to see about this unless it’s presented to me, but I am also not going to be childish about it. Children act out, adults don’t.

We get to a point in our lives where even though we may not care the same way about something, we still don’t need to be heartless about it regardless of what the other person has done or said. The last actual conversation I had with the person was not a great one and they said some cruel things, but to what purpose? I don’t know the answer to that, do what you want, at the end of the day, that’s not the type of energy I have. Bad energy is beneath me. And I told the friends the same thing. I have no mean words to say to anyone or about anyone. Let them do what they want to do. If they want to act foolish, let them. If they want to to civilized, let them. The only thing we can control is what decisions we make, not what decision other people make. Because when I meet my maker, I’m want to be confident that I did my best with people, whether there is a reconciliation or not. Should that be a goal, I mean I guess in some aspect, but either way I know who I am. I am not putting on a facade for people, I am not trying to prove anything other than that fact that I can be better and I am better. ✨️

And that’s what you have to remember for yourself. Let people act the way they want to, but you make sure you can be proud of yourself. If someone wants to mend anything with you, try to be open to it, but set boundaries. You don’t have to give anyone the same version of you that they took for granted. That’s on them. The Ex doesn’t get that same version of me. The Athlete doesn’t get the same version of me. But neither of them or getting a poor version of me, they are just getting a readjusted version where there’s new barriers. Are you guys following what I am saying? If you can be on good terms with someone, do it. But you are not required to put yourself in the same place to possibly get hurt again. 😕

I don’t want to get religious with you all, but I am a believer. I believe in the universe. I believe in the fact that people will show who they are based on what they are going through at the moment. If they are showing tension, it’s likely they are getting tension from another part of their lives. You just have to learn how to not be the type of person to transfer tension to others. I am also a prayer. I pray a lot and I rarely pray for myself. All of my prayers are in thoughts of other people. I pray for people to love and I pray for people to heal. I cannot make someone see me or see me in the eyes of someone who loves me. But I can pray that they strengthen their hearts to develop an understanding of what love can do for people when it’s genuine. Because there's so much love people are giving that’s temporary, superficial, and conditional and that's because many people don't understand their emotions so they act instinctively and don't think about what it is that their souls really need. ❤️

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽