Manage It Right

“Don't Take Away What I’ve Accomplished Just Because I Didn't Talk About The Work I Put Into It.”

How are you with your finances? Are you in debt? Do you always need a co-signer? How’s that credit score? As some of you may know, I am in a doctoral program which I only have 1 more year left. My research topic has just been approved by the IRB (Institutional Review Board). My topic is: “The Impact of Financial Literacy for High School Students”. I am going to explore previous research on this topic in conjunction to getting feedback from people and their views of financials literacy and what they think should be taught to high school students. If you would like to be a participant in my research you will only need to answer 18 questions. If you don’t feel comfortable with certain questions, you can skip it. Plus, it is 100% anonymous (you know I like to protect your privacy just as much as my own). Participate HERE.

My 10% may look like 💯 because I learned to delegate my energy effectively.

I am passionate about this topic because growing up there were not many courses or classes that offered financial learning, and if there were, it was an elective. I believe everyone needs to undergo a robust financial literacy course before graduating high school. I don’t know if you believe this, but money goes a long way and having good credit takes you further. You don’t want to be one of those people who can’t pay your rent because you decided to have a fun weekend. Or your lights got cut off because you spent that money on a VIP section. Let’s be better than that, and I’m really taking to the kids who like to show out with no backup income or not enough in savings. You have to understand that living within your means is crucial to money management. And if you want more, than do more. I don’t mean to sound off tone, but there’s plenty of opportunities to make the money you need or want to make, you just have to go after it. If you see me out having a cocktail during the week, it’s because I put in 10-12 hours worth of work already.

One of the BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS PEOPLE HAVE OF ME is that my life is easy or that everything was handed it me. I HATE THAT! 😖 Someone actually said to me that I was “born with a silver spoon” — ☹️ It hurt to hear that because this person knew me for a long time, which means they never really paid attention to my drive and hard work. LISTEN, just because I don’t talk about my struggles or tell people the steps I’m taking to reach a goal doesn’t mean that what you see was just handed to me. Just because I make it look simple and I don’t complain, doesn’t mean I didn’t go through obstacles. My father wasn’t a CEO or an Executive, nor did he own businesses. What he did do was obtained valuable skills that allowed him to make a good living to provide his family with a good life. I adopted those traits from him and want to do the same for my kids. Don’t ever think I was given any freebies in life.

That person who said that may deal with people who depend on them or deal with people with their hands out, I surely never had my hand out to this person, nor did I ever expect extravagant things from them. As a matter of fact, I always tried to make sure I contributed something anytime it seemed appropriate. So to hear that they think I was born with a silver spoon really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe some men want to hear women complain about money so they can be their savior. Or how about when some men assume women are golddiggers when they barely have any gold to give. Aye fam, I am the gold, there’s no digging over here ✨️. If a man wants to do for me, that’s his choice, but I don’t expect anyone to provide for me except me. I learned to be good with money through experiences and trial and error. I wish I had a required Financial Literacy program in high school that taught me:

1. Budgeting and saving.

2. Understanding credit and debt management.

3. Investment basics.

4. Financial planning and goal setting.

5. Consumer rights and responsibilities.

I didn’t really learn about stocks until 2020 and I’ve become good at it. Had I learned sooner, I have no doubt my portfolio would be triple what it’s worth right now. I’m saying all this to say, learning about money early on can really help you long term, it can help you when making big purchase like a house, or even help you manage your money when allocating for vacations, buying a new car, or getting an investment property. The major thing is you want to keep your debt to income ratio very low and the sooner you are able to learn that, the more equip you will be when making decisions like that.

And the other reason for saying all this is to affirm that you cannot just look at someone and assume they have it easy. Don’t take my hard work away from me. No one earned me degrees for me. No one learned my skills for me. No one gave me a network of people to elevate with. I did all that on my own. So again, don’t take away someone’s accomplishments just because you see how well they are doing. Just because you weren't shooting with me at the gym, doesn’t mean I wasn't practicing. (You see how I put a twist in that? Some of you get. 😁)

And this last point I want to bring up is people thinking that you are “obligated” to help them when they're in need. I struggle with this at times with people close to me. They see that I'm doing well and want me to freely share my benefits. Here’s the thing, if my father, my kids, or my siblings need something, I don't hesitate as long as it's not frivolous and generally we're equally there for each other. But there's some relationships that leans more on me. I don’t mind making contributions or supporting a positive initiative, but don’t make it a belief that I owe you a part of what I've been able to do. I don't like that.

If you are a fully capable adult, your personal responsibilities, your living choices, or your consequences should not fall on to my expense, especially when I know I can't call on you for the same things (although, parents, our elderly, and kids who are still in school are an exception). When I give to charities or non-profits, I’m giving back to under-served people. When I support causes, I'm supporting it because someone I care about is part of it or it will help someone I care about. I don't just give money away. I worked hard for it and you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed for making good financial decisions and living a life that best suits you. Be proud of what you've made of yourself. I know I am.

Be safe everyone.

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Confidence And Self Esteem

“Be part of my breakthrough, not my breakdown.”

Confidence and self-esteem are closely intertwined. When you possess one, the other is often not far behind. Having belief in yourself can lead to a greater sense of self-worth, while high self-esteem can boost your confidence levels significantly. I’ve never really had issues in these categories, even with men, I never had a problem with a man complimenting other women around me, but there is a limit to how much attention a man can give a women before I start to raise some eyebrows. I’m not the woman who gets upset if a man goes somewhere without me or doesn’t call me everyday. I am very secure with who I am, how I look, and how others view me. That’s not to say I do not have some insecurities, we all have them.

My insecurities more involve my professional and business life because as good as I am in my field of work, there’s always a competition of someone besting me, so I have to continue to learn, be innovative, and stay ahead. My life is expensive and I have come to love the conveniences that I have been able to afford like taking last minute trips and not having to bat my eyelashes at men to buy me drinks. I have come a long way in life and I want to keep at it, but this is not the direction this topic is going. We are going to explore the domain of personal confidence and self-esteem, zooming in on the interplay with the individuals surrounding you, as well as with any love interests.

We often convince ourselves that confidence should solely originate from within us, assuming that strong confidence automatically leads to heightened self-esteem. However, the truth is that external influences have the power to impact these aspects significantly, potentially causing us to harbor negative feelings about ourselves. For instance, growing up, I felt that my father held me to a high standard and responsibility than he did with my younger siblings. It seemed like he let them get away with a lot of things while I was corrected and scolded when I did anything wrong. From my point of view I felt like I was being treated different the love wasn’t equal with his kids. Now that I am older, I realized my father was doing the best he could as a single parent with three kids and two of them were only a year apart. With me, it was his first time raising a child, a daughter at that, so he wanted to make sure I grew up into a modest and classy woman. - Which I think he did good.

Now with my relationships, it was a more of a complex bag. When I felt I was being lied to or something was being hidden from me, it not only affected my confidence in the man, but also my self-esteem when I would ask about certain things and not get any straight answers. When a man seems to be going in circles or being very vague and things are not adding up, I would feel like “Why do you not value me enough to tell me or share with me about what you feel or what’s going on?” I can’t speak for all women, but when I am asking questions that may seem invasive, it’s because I want to know where I’m placed in your life so I can adjust how I communicate with you or what I do with you. I don’t like being told that I am important, but then made to feel that I’m not, especially if we are involved or sleeping together. Then I’d go into a rabbit hole of asking myself: “Why is he treating me like this?” “Does he not care about me anymore?” “Is someone else getting his attention?” “Am I really not his type?” “Am I too independent?” “Am I too head-strong?” “Am I not feminine enough?” “Am I not pretty enough?” “Am I not classy enough?” “Am I not interesting enough?” “Does he rather want a naive woman who depends on him?” All these thoughts just circle in my head and kind of puts me in doldrum and breaks down my self-esteem. If a man wants special treatment from me, why would he not expect to give special treatment back? If our relationship is supposed to be special or unique, why is he treating it like it is not? Don’t pull me in just to be dismissive of my feelings and break me down. Any of you ladies ever felt like this?

Again, I’ve always had good confidence, but when my self-esteem is being challenged, it does affect how I may present myself or how I manage myself throughout the day. These days, I really don’t have any issues in those categories, if a man wants me, he’ll let me know and show me, if he doesn’t he’ll let me know and show me. I’ve already stated many time over, I don’t have sights to be married again or live with someone. And I told my friend that even though I don’t like to date, when I do it, I’m not dating for a husband, I am dating to enjoy myself when I do have free time to spend with someone. That doesn’t mean when problems arise, I’m just going to exit, no if I feel a man is a good person and aligns well with my values, then I’ll make efforts to work through any issues with him. I’m not hoping from man to man at an instance, that’s never been on my resume. I like having good people in my life, even if the romance is gone, we’ll just find a way to still be friends and support each other.

I’ve also more noticed that since I do not have issues with my confidence or self-esteem, sometimes women are affected by me when I am around, especially when they see how men react to me or how they look at me. But my whole thought is, if you are secure of yourself whether you are in a relationship or not, another woman should not affect how you feel. But I’ve also learned (and this came with age) that when a man isn’t doing right by you, then yes, you are going to have insecurities when other women are around. At that point you really have to decide if that’s something you can deal with or if you want more for yourself. And sorry to say this but the girlies with self-esteem issues tend to stay where they’re at and just deal with it. - Baby, if that’s what works for you, okay. Keep doing it, but let me tell you, there are men who will treat you like you are the only woman in the room. Don’t sell yourself short for a handsome face with fat pockets. - Ladies, you have to decide what you are worth, don’t let a man do that for you. And don’t get upset with another woman because she knows her value and carries it everywhere she goes. Men notice that too - well, at least the ones paying attention and who are not interested in superficial subsidies.

If a man what’s to take stock in me, great, I’m amazing. But, I am not catering to a man who is not capable to treat me with love and admiration. You don’t have to be in love with me, but love who I am and admire what I’ve accomplished. I’ve said this in a previous topic, I know I’m a good catch, I know I’m highly sought after, so I want to feel wanted by a man I’m seeing. So when it seem like the interest is depleting and without notice, then it is going to make me feel some type of way about you and myself. It’s not realistic to say “No one can change how I feel about myself.” because people can have an impact on that, we just have to figure out how to best navigate through it and not let ourselves be so down that it interferes with any positive decisions we can make to get ourselves back to having confidence and good self-esteem.

Be safe everyone.

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Does He Have A Brother?

“Be mindful of how you look at your friend’s companion.”

Ladies, let’s talk. When you are introducing a man of interest to your friends and one of them asks, “Does he have a brother?” What do you think about that? I had this discussion with my group of girlfriends and got mixed responses. Some felt that if a friend is asking if a man has a brother then that is a compliment to the man because he shows qualities that a woman wants in her companion. BUT, on the other side of this, some of the ladies stated that it raises concern because the thought is you are attracted to your friend’s guy and want someone like him — so is there a possibility that your friend will go after the man you like? What do you think ladies?

I do not recall any scenario where a friend was just as attracted to a guy I was with. My friends maybe like the guy for me, but still had their own preferences in men. I guess my friends and I have different tastes in men or at the very least don’t take interest in a man that one of our friends is interested in. But I have observed that when there is limited options for reputable men, there is an increase of more women interested in him. — My take on this is TRAVEL ladies!!! A man may be the highlight of one town, but mediocre in another city, state, and country. There are great men everywhere, don’t limit yourself to your friend’s guy or one of his relatives, explore the world.

Although for certain women, no matter where they go, the pool of men is very small and shallow. My aunt actually explained this to me. She says the more well rounded and educated a woman is, the less likely she will find a partner who meets her needs. The is mainly due to having elevated critical thinking skills and competency. Critical thinking is the ability to interpret, evaluate, and analyze facts and information that are available, to form a judgment or decide if something is right or wrong. When women are great at critical thinking, it’s hard for a man bullshit around with her, even if the relationship is casual. She may not mention the issues, but rest assured she identified them. Some men are like this too. My brain is more wired to breakdown and process words, behaviors, and emotions. I observe sounds, smells, body language, how people express themselves, the cadences with their speech patterns and I collect all that data and mentally create a personal profile of that person. — Yes, this is exactly why my friends call me a nerd. My friends tell me that when I’m quiet, I’m observing. — They’re not wrong.

But back to my original thought, I have never looked at my friends boyfriends, husbands, or lovers the same way they look at them, so I would never seriously ask if he has a brother. I may mention that if he is a good man, then he has other good men in his circle that helped shape who he is, because I no doubt believe you are as good as the company you keep. Even who you entertain can speak to your character. I have many different people in my life, for instance when I sit at my favorite bar, there’s a diverse amount of people I speak to — all of them have great traits, but I rarely spend time with them outside of that environment, they are bar friends. I also have business friends who I do not converse with outside of work obligations, then there a group of elderly men who get together every morning at the coffee shop I like to go to and I only speak with them when I am there. I say this to say that I do not have people who are integrated in all parts of my life, even people who have known me for 10 or 20 plus years, they may hear me talk about my other experiences, but they are not directly part of it. But all of them are still a reflection of me in some way because I chose to befriend them. My sister, who I am close to has even mentioned, “Yeah, I don’t know what your life is like when you’re not around me.”

It’s funny, my sister and I have common personality traits, like we are both very driven and care for people and want to achieve high levels of success, but how we go about those thing are vastly different. Even with men, she more likes the dark chocolate, bearded, with a very manly demeanor, close to her age or younger, and has an active lifestyle and maybe dresses in sports gear or fancy street labels. Where I more like the light to fair skinned pretty boys who may have a goatee, is older, finds solitude in being laid-back and dresses modestly. The last time my sister and I were hanging out, she was telling the guys who approached me that I like smart and distinguished gentlemen. So there has never been any scenarios where we were attracted to each other’s choice of men.

But I think having a difference in taste of men from your friends affirms that you have a diverse group of people in your life or even where you are all at in life. I can admit that the 3 men that you readers love to hear about anytime I mention them, I was at different phases of my life when I was involved in them. There may have been a time in my life where I could have like the same type of guys my sister now likes, but that time has came and went and only 1 of the 3 men almost fit all the attributes that my sister is interested in. I am definitely not the same woman I was when I was with that particular man and all of my friends are at various stages in life, so their interest are more reflective of the types of men who align with them. So what would it say about me if I want someone who is just like the man my friend is involved with? But ladies, what do you think? Have you ever been attracted to someone your friend or family member was with? How did it play out? Did you find yourself being more friendly to the man or interest in knowing more about him? Personally, I think that can create issues with you and your friend, so I don’t even think to take interest in anyone’s lover, boyfriend, or husband other than how they are treating my friend or loved one. There’s too many men out here to do all that.

Be safe everyone.

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Book Series?

“What is the connection between two people in the same room, but they are are not looking at or speaking to speak to each other? - Do they feel each other’s presence? Does it elicit an emotion?”

“If you cannot appreciate my love, you will feel my absence.”

I’ve been going back and forth about this and I still have not decided if I wanted to do it. Over the years many of you have inquired if I will ever publish a book or at the very least an eBook were it’s just available electronically. If I were to do something like this, it would be about the topics you all are most interested in….my love life. For some reason, any time I mention a relationship, I get so much more feedback than any other topic. Every now and then I vaguely mention my family, and I surely have mention my friends more than plenty, but when I mention my EX, The Athlete, or “Poppa”, you guys are INVESTED! Even when I tell you about any men I casually meet, you don’t give me as much hype as when I mention the other three. - What are you folks trying to tell me???

At this moment, I do not speak with any of them. There is only one that I’m not sure if our communication will improve because we cross paths often. I did mention a bit ago that I need time after all the revelations came out about him. I remember a few years ago that I held back from telling him about things that he was doing didn’t highlight himself in the best way or wasn’t the best choice for him because I felt it was best for him to just go through his decisions so he can see it first hand. And I had a similar conversation with a mutual friend of ours and we weren’t speaking directly about him, it was more a general statement. My friend said that you have to let people go through their shit to realize it’s shit. They may not see it right now, but when they get their mind right they will. I thought that was a great perspective to have. I think with this man, he didn’t intend to hurt me or for things to turn out the way it has (I don’t think the other men did either), but maybe this one felt cornered and felt he had to prove something to someone so he acted poorly towards me, which is unfortunate because when we first started to know each other, we wanted to protect the value of our friendship…but I guess with all the time of things being unspoken and not revealed, it loosened the strings of our relationship. Although, I don’t know his thoughts on this, he may have a completely different perspective of things, so I cannot speak for him. Maybe he did want to hurt me. Maybe that was an intention of his. Maybe he wants to push me out completely. There’s a part of me that's completely disgusted with how he’s been showing himself and then there's another part of me that thinks, “This isn't him. This isn't the man I know, just give him grace and he’ll get back to himself again.” But then I think, does he deserve that? Does he deserve my patience? With the things he’s said to me and about me, should I give him grace? Or let it all go to hell along with all the hurtful things he’s done to me. The now softer version of me says to give as much grace and patience as my happiness allows. The last great memory I have with him is when we sat next to each other and reflected on one of our friends who had just recently faced a tragedy in his family. We mourned and laughed in solidarity of our friend. We spoke good things to each other that week. That’s was one of our sweetest moments together. There was no angst or dredging up any issues between us, we were on the same groove. It was sweet.

If I were to go through with writing my story, I’d imagine it to be a short three series collection, but you wouldn’t have to read them in order. You can reach each part in any order because they are each their own independent narratives. Also, since I’d be referencing real experiences, I would change the name of the characters. Maybe each story could be about 15-30 pages?

Although, I am aware that if certain people find out or read my stories, I may get some flack from them, which is a big reason why I have not yet decided which events I will and will not share. I think one person would support it because he’s matured and has identified that he could have done things differently with me and I feel the same with him, but that’s the best part of reflecting, you look back and identify what you’ve done and how you could do better.

It wouldn’t be one of those stories where I eventually reveal the identities of people like what Karrin Steffans did. Are you familiar with her? She was a video girl in the early 2000s who had relations with multiple celebrities and she wrote books about her experiences in the industry and she also talked about a man who she called “Poppa” (no it’s not the same man who I referred to as the same name) and they allegedly had an ongoing relationship for many years, but then in one of her later books she exposes who he is. I’m not going to do that.

With all that said, I ended up writing a few drafts of how my book would start off. This is still being workshopped, so the narrative may change from the time I started this to the time I decide whether or not to do it.

Right now, I have the title of the series: Loving You For Too Long

Series description:

Embark on an emotional journey with Vanessa Gabriel as she navigates the complex landscape of love and relationships. In this compelling series, Vanessa confronts heartbreak and disappointment, reflecting deeply on her experiences to emerge with a pragmatic outlook on life and love. Through a series of ongoing relationships that span for many years, Vanessa learns profound lessons about intuition, resentment, healing, and self-preservation. Join her as she transforms pain into wisdom and discovers the strength within herself. This series is a captivating exploration of love's challenges and the resilience of the human spirit.

Story One: Loving You For Too Long: The Game of Hearts

Intro:

“You were in here the other day, right?” The man from behind the counter asked Vanessa. She stopped at the gas station for a drink and a snack before starting her day. The man was tall, looked to be in good shape, carmel skin, with defined short dark curls, but what she noticed about him was his alluring smile. 

“Yeah, I was.” 

“You’re very pretty.”

Vanessa blushed at the compliment and looked down shyly, not letting him see her smiling. As she was paying for her items, the man handed her a napkin with his name and phone number written on it. 

“My name is Desmond, call me sometime.” 

Vanessa was young. She’s had men approach her, but there was something about Desmond that she wanted to know more about. The town was small and she had never seen him before, but she was impressed that he offered his number without requesting her’s in return. It was as if he was confident that Vanessa was going to call him. 

She kept the napkin in her car for a few days. Desmond’s smile flashed in her head often. She avoided making her routine stops at the gas station in the mornings. Then on the third day, she swallows her nerves, opens up her flip phone and dials his number. 

Story Two: Loving You For Too Long: The Untamed Partner

Intro:

“I did something.” Vanessa heard the trepidation coming from her husband’s voice. They were laying quietly having an affectionate moment and feeling calm. They had just rekindle their marriage a month earlier after an eight month separation. They wanted to focus on building their lives together.

Vanessa sat up in bed and looked at Eric intensely. She saw shame in his face. He didn’t look at her.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

“I’m the worst man. I’m sorry.” 

Fear hit Vanessa's heart. Thoughts were clouding her mind. What was Eric talking about?

“What the fuck happened!” She started getting irritated and impatient with her husband's delay.

“Someone’s pregnant.”

Vanessa felt sharp pains clenching inside her chest. She couldn’t breathe. Their young daughter was sleeping in the next room. What was going to happen to my family? She thought. The tears started falling.

Story Three: Loving You For Too Long: The Distant Connection

Intro:

“What does your tattoo mean?” Vanessa was reluctant to answer the man’s question. She had felt him looking at her while she was waiting at the bar to order drinks for herself and her friends. She did not intend to be social with anyone other than the people she came to meet. 

She glanced at him quickly. He looked like a modest man, no flashy clothing, no gaudy jewelry, he wore a simple watch.

“It means, Live, Love, and Laugh.” 

“That’s nice. My name is Marcus. A few of my friends and I are visiting from out of town. We travel together every year.” 

“I love that. Do you want to come join my friends and I at our table?” 

Vanessa and Marcus sat to themselves for almost an hour getting familiar with each other. They focused on each other’s words. She wanted to know more about him and he asked equally engaging questions. He was pleasant. He invited Vanessa and her friends to join him and his friends later that evening. He told her not to worry about anything and that she was going to have a great time. Again, Vanessa was reluctant. Even though they spent an hour getting to know each other, he was still a stranger. 

“So Ms. Vanessa, what do you think of me?”

“Umm…You’re decent.”

“DECENT?” It was as if Vanessa had thrown a dagger at him, “Okay, I’m decent then.” It seemed that Marcus was prepared to show her that he was more than decent.

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What We Love and What We Lust is NOT the Same

“Sometimes people love the idea of you, but don’t actually love you.”

I had a conversation with someone the other day and he says: “Just because I think something is good, doesn't make it right.” - I thought that was such a great sentiment of self-awareness. We're human, so we lust and desire things, but it doesn't mean those things are good for us, let alone right for us.

Are you able to distinguish love and lust?

Lust is driven by physical attraction and desire for gratification. It is focused on the self and is often fleeting in nature, transient moments slip through our fingers like sand, leaving behind only memories etched in the heart.

Love, on the other hand, involves a deeper connection that goes beyond physical attraction. It encompasses care, respect, trust, and emotional intimacy. Love is enduring and involves a sense of commitment and mutual growth.

In summary, lust is temporary and self-centered, while love is long-lasting and involves a deep emotional bond between individuals. The difference between lust and love is explained through lived experiences. In the moment, you may think it’s love because you may have emotions attached to the person, but in hindsight you realize it was just an exaggeration of lust to lengthen your time of experience with someone because you desire them and not necessarily love them in a deeper capacity.

Lust:

• Immediate sensation driven by impulses. It can be a powerful feeling that makes you avoid common sense.

• Lust is typically transient and momentary. It thrives on the here and now, seeking instant gratification without concern for the future.

• The person you lust is an object of desire. You mainly focus on what they can provide and how they are willing or able to satisfy you.

• Lust is ego-centric. It’s more about fulfilling your own desires and needs. It is a self-centered emotion that does not necessarily consider the well-being or feelings of the other person.

• The feeling of lust is intense and consuming. It narrows your attention and makes you preoccupied with that desired person instead of looking at the bigger picture of if this person will a significant part of your future or not.

Love:

• Deep Connection: Love is more profound, beyond physical attraction. It encompasses emotional, intellectual, and sometimes spiritual bonds.

• There a Temporal Depth with love. Unlike how lust is like sand slipping through your fingers, love involves a past, present, and future, with a commitment to the other person that extends beyond the immediate moment.

• With love, you look at the person as a whole individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. There is a mutual recognition and respect for each other's humanity.

• Love is other-centric. It involves a genuine concern for the other person's well-being and happiness. It includes acts of care, sacrifice, and selflessness, where the needs and desires of the other person is prioritized.

• The experience of love is steady and enduring even with the highs and lows of emotions. It may have moments of intensity similar to lust, but it is characterized by consistent feelings of an abiding connection. Even if you are not speaking to the person, you still have a sense of connection to them because you’ve invested into them more than just them being an object of lust and fun times.

Overall, Lust is an intense, immediate desire focused on physical gratification and the self, while love is more profound, with a deeper rooted connection that involves emotional and intellectual bonds, and considering the well-being of the other person.

Do you know the difference now?

There’s guys who are just the take home guys and then there’s guys who your momma would love. Some men think they are both, but in reality they are either one or the other. The person you lust, you may think they can meet your family, but do they really make a good impression of YOU? Remember, the company you keep say speak to the type of person you are because YOU made a decision to have the person around.

When we are in the moment with someone, we can confuse lust and love, and we end up blurring what we think is good at the moment with what is right for us. Remember the 25 year old from Chicago I mentioned a while back? His affinity for me was based on lust because we were not emotionally or intellectually aligned. That’s not to say he was not smart, he was very clever and business driven. However, his capacity of life only extends to his current maturity level, meaning that he still needs to experience more growth and character development.

Yet, there is a question of “Is there a point in our lives where we plateau in our growth?” I think it’s between our late 30s and early 50s that we sort of settle into who we are. We are still learning and experiencing new things and maybe changing some of our ways of thinking, but we’ve also reach a steadiness in how we move and live our lives that is best suited for our health and well-being. We subconsciously developed a standard of what we will and will not accept. — Although, I cannot speak for everyone, because I know people in their late 40s and 50s who are still moving recklessly and acting like it’s not making them look a certain type of way. I also think being able to understand is being open to hearing and taking accountability of what you’ve done and making an effort to adjust. Which brings me back to knowing the difference between lust and love.

Don’t let lust make you a fool and have you thinking it’s something more than just what it is, because love has its battles that extends over time. Love isn’t easy. You can go to war against someone you love and still come through the other side with a new perspective of each other and find new ways to communicate with each other and be in each others lives. When you go to war against someone you lust, there is no resolution or understanding. It more of an unhealthy cycle, either the person appeals to what you want and you continue to entertain them, or they stand on what they want and eventually one of you or both of your get tired of the cycle and in time the two of you fade out of eachothers lives and become distant memories. With those people, if and when you think of them, you may think “Yeah, that was fun, but I’m still glad it’s over.”

This may be an unpopular opinion, but some of your broken or failed relationships were based on lust that may have had ideas of love, but was never really love. This is not the same as when love fades because that happens. People do grow apart, but the people you loved and grew apart from still remain in your thoughts in some way. You may wonder if they are doing okay, or how their family is, or if they still go to the same places, or if they’ve reached the goals they once told you about, or when you hear their name, your heart flickers a little, or when you see them, you don’t know exactly what to say because there’s so many thoughts going through your head about them. That’s how you know they still have a piece of your heart.

Lust fades, it comes and goes, it’s superficial, it’s fun, it’s exciting. Love is the same, but it has its frustrations, and confusions, and misunderstands, but the person still stays on your mind and gives you various feelings then you see them or think of them. Does this make sense? This may be something you just need to think more about to yourself and decide if you really understand the parameters of love and lust, because both do involve emotions and feelings, one just runs deeper and transcends over time.

Be safe everyone.

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Good Friends

“I’m happy you’re here with me.”

I know we have a lot of new people here. I looked at the site traffic and seen a spike of new readers/listeners. Welcome! I hope that whatever reason brought you here and whatever reason you continued to come back that I am giving you something either entertaining, valuable, or both. Contrary to what it may seem, I am traditionally a private person. When I share things about myself or my life, I don’t share distinct details. I share just enough to let you know where I’m at in life, what my focus is, and the types of people I interact with. But the main purpose is to share GROWTH. Because as we go through different stages, ages, experiences, and come across different people, we learn a little more about ourselves and how our minds and ideas can shift. And I’ve had a lot of shifting lately, and I love it, because that confirms to me that I can triumph over anything even if it means doing something or making decisions that I thought I’d never make. And one of the main reasons I am the person that I am at this moment is the people I have around me, my family who are dysfunctionally amazing, and my friends who are just as dysfunctional amazing. That’s what I want to talk about today….the people you choose to be in your life, the people who end up becoming linked to your heart.

I want to share how much I appreciate the people who keep loving me no matter anyone else's opinions or experiences with me. For the most part, they respect that I don't share all my business with people and they continue to show their love and support for me even from a distance. I have friends all around the world and have kept friends for over 20 years. It’s sad when I hear people can’t even keep friendships for mote than a few years. My friends make up pieces of my heart, they are my extended family and they feel the same about me, just like in a previous topic, a friend said to me, “Raya, you’re not going anywhere and we’re not letting you go” when I was telling him about my dating life and that there was someone who is shining brightly in my life right now. My friend said that to let me know that no matter whoever I chose to have around, I’ll always be accepted by them even if the person I have around doesn’t fit in our circle of people. And do have different circles of friends, I believe that’s normal. I have my friends who I have lunch or dinner with every now and then. I also have friends who I party with. I have friends who I grab drinks with and I have friends who I only speak to or see once or twice a year. They all have seen various parts of me or my life. I love them all differently and they all love me the same.

And how I know they truly love me is when I may do something or make a decision that doesn’t highlight me in the best way, they'll call me or pull me to the side and tell me about it. They don’t criticize me or talk down on me, but this also attests to their maturity. If you slander me because you’re upset about something what does that say about you? Especially if you slander me to people who can’t even keep up with me, again what does that say about you? When I’m upset with someone, I say nothing against them. If they want to go off and call me out of my name or say the worst things about me, it only makes me want to say quiet even more. Sometimes you’ve got to let people show their demons. Also people who slander you when they barely know you speak volumes about their thought process as well. We now live in a world where being snippy, catty, and vindictive to someone is praised. How I grew up, we left that kind of behavior in high school and college.

Now, I’m not saying all my friends are perfect, of course they have their vices and unfavorable attributes about them, but how they understand and handle me is perfect. And even if we have disagreements, we still know that the friendship isn’t over, we just need time to come back and be good again. The same friend I mentioned earlier, I told him that all of them are blessings to me, this includes the friends I grew up with and the friends that our outside of the group he’s in, because all of them have imprinted onto my psyche in a way that I look at community, companionship, friendship and love a little differently now. Do you have people in your life like this? I hope you do, because even though you master your goals and success on your own, it’s the people you have in your life that help you master growth through all of that, whether they impact you directly or indirectly.

I don’t know if I have personal friends that come on here, but if there are some of you here…

Thank you for loving me and supporting me however you can and however you do.

Be safe everyone.

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Professor of Love

“What if I want to love you? Over and over again.”

I want to open your minds a little and it’s ok to be hesitant about thinking this way. I am still mind blown about this. I was speaking to a college professor who teaches sexuality, but she uses European theories. If any of you are familiar with how some European ideologies about sex then you’ll be able to follow this. The prof. said not to get jammed up about someone who is sexually liberated with someone who is promiscuous. She said Americans tend to view sex as an act that only should happen between someone you are in a long term commitment with. That’s why there is a feeling of rebellion and being promiscuous because people don’t want to conform with American ideologies. But she also says that many American adults view sex as an either an empty act to appease themselves or an act to confirm a right to someone. Prof. says that’s now how it should be.

She says the only one that owns our bodies is us and sex should be regarded as something healthy. Something our bodies need and something that we should not be ashamed for wanting. She also claims that having several partners is also healthy…this is what blew my mind. She explains that many of the French and the Italians and other cultures have open sexual relationships. They will have one long-term partner, like a spouse, but they also have several other companions that not just fill their sexual needs, but also their companionship needs. Say if a man has a wife who doesn’t like to go to concerts, he’ll have another partner who will attend the events with him. And if that partner doesn’t like to go to museums, the man many have a third partner who does. These are all fluid relationship that have love and affection, but each relationship has different purposes, including the sexual nature of these relationships. Your body feels different sensations from different activities and interactions. For instance, after your partner cooks you a great meal, or takes you away on a weekend trip, or presents you with a sentimental gift.

There is still emotion connected to these separate partners because you have a unique connection with one that you do not have with the other and vise versa. When the Prof. was explaining all of this to me what was in awww. I was intrigued. I was like, “OMG, this makes a lot of sense!” Then I thought of my friend who does have a wife and a couple of girlfriends. I kind of want to talk to him about this, but I don’t like to know too much of my married friend’s extramarital activities. But the Prof. gave me something to ponder on. Could I have several companions? I like to travel, could I have a travel companion? I like to eat and try new foods, could I have a foodie companion? The Prof. also said that you don’t want too many partners, because you still need time for yourself, your family, your work, and your personal goals. She says 2 or 3 is a good number and reveals that she has 3 people that she is currently dating and they are all aware that she is dating other people because she was very honest with what she wanted.

Of course I asked her what happens if she is with one of them and they run into another one. She said it’s happened a few times, but because she has been honest with all of them, there is no element of surprise. She introduces them just like she would introduce a friend or family member and continues her time with the one she’s out with. She says a lot of people want to be like this, but they are not as transparent as they should be with their partners. To make it all work, there has to be honesty. She also advocates that single women who have high levels of success should adopt this ideology. Which then I realized why she was having this type of discussion with me.

Could I do something like this? Men can be resentful when they feel they are not the only one that has your affections. They may try to play it off, but they’ll end up doing or saying something that lets you know they are not happy about your choices. And I do not want anyone I am involved with to feel that I do not have real feelings for him. My feelings run deep. Obviously, if you been here the last few months, you know how much I expressed my rollercoaster of emotions with my previous lover. When I care, I care a lot, sometimes too much and sometimes it’s not enough.

If I were to consider having several lovers, he could not be anyone who I’ve already known for many years, because I want to keep my friendships as they are. I’d want to present this to someone new because the idea is that the relationship only feeds a certain purpose so they are not going to be integrated with all the other parts of my life. I don’t know, it seem complicated, but the Prof. says people need to stop limiting their happiness to one person. She says you can have more love for one person, but you can have equal happiness with other people without damaging the love for that person. I did ask her if she loved one man more than the other two and she says it changes constantly because she is not married to any of them or live with any of them so she really has not emotional obligation to any one of them.

Of course we talked about the sex and she says they all fulfill her needs because she has different things in common with all of them so they arouse different emotions in her. This is a lot to think about. I’ve always maintained one lover at a time. I don’t know how I would incorporate another one, if in fact that is something I really want to explore. To me, I guess it would be more realistic to have one main partner and then have another partner who provides another element of interest. I guess that’s what some people do anyway, but like the Prof. said, it should be treated more as a decision of personal wellness and not a decision of ego and pride. Will these partners give you the factors you want or need to where you feel fully satisfied in your life or current state of mind? Do they appeal to you where you can still be your true self and be the best version of yourself.

I think I shared before that one of my married friends says he needs to have girlfriends because he needs to have those connections outside of his marriage for him to be the best husband he can be. And ever since I’ve known him, he’s never been shy to mention his wife and family; they have always come first before any girlfriend and he’s had to breakup with a few of them because they didn’t understand or wanted more of him. And as wrong as all of that may sound, I stand by my friend. His wife and his home is happy and I know he would do anything for them, so I don’t have anything bad to say about his extra activities. He even put me before his girlfriends at times. So whatever his ideology is or however he’s doing it; he’s handling it very well and he is still a great friend to me.

Is this something you could do? Or if you are already doing something like this, could you be better at doing it? I’m on the fence with this, but let me know your thoughts.

Be safe everyone.

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Take Control

“I want to be led, not misled.”

I ran into a friend over the weekend. He’s one of my dearest friends. I’ve always seen him to be a sensible man and very reserved, good father, good husband, very caring, I’ve never heard any crazy stories about him…other than his college years, but I heard crazy stories about all of them during their college years. But with him, and I could be very wrong…I mean, I have been wrong about people before 😒, but with him I feel like he left his college years in college and even though he may still hang out with the group every now and then, he doesn’t get lost his any decisions that will make him look bad or that he’s trying to relive certain moments of his life. I feel like with all of my guy friends who like to be out and be around various women, he rather be home with his family. I’ve always felt comfortable around him ever since I first met him. I’m saying all this to say that I do have guys friends who don’t partake in all the extracurricular activities outside the house, again, I could be wrong, but I’ve never seen that side of him. And if I ever hear anyone say anything bad about him, I’ll punch them in the throat.

Anyway, I bumped into him when I was stepping out for a little, he was in town visiting some family and we decided to catch up. We talked about various things and he asked me about my dating life. I ended up telling him about my new friend and he had a few follow up questions, which I did not mind answering. I told him that I am not rushing into anything and that I still needed to be focused on school, work, and family. My friend comforted me and let me know there was nothing wrong with that and that it’s best to put those things first and told me that if the guy didn’t understand, then he’s not it. I appreciated hearing that. I didn’t go into all the details about the new friend, but I did say that he seems to be doing everything right at the moment. Then my friend tells me, “Well, you’re not going anywhere and we’re not letting you go (meaning our group of friends), so if you’re going to keep this guy around he’s eventually going to come across us.” - I am nowhere near that point yet, because one thing about this group, anyone new that’s coming around us has to adjust to us and how we move, we’re not adjusting them, man or woman. Because there’s a certain decorum with this group and if you don’t fit into it, the you’re only welcome when you’re with one of us. But this may not even happen with the guy because this is still new and he may get impatient with me and have another woman who isn’t as focused as I am.

Then my friend asked me what I do like in a man and without hesitation, I said, I like a man who takes control 🫦. I don’t mind a man who goes with the flow and tries to match my mood, but every now and then I like for a man tell me what I want or tell me what to do. I told him that I’m very headstrong and I have conditioned my life to be very independent that it’s nice when a man takes the wheel and makes the decisions for me. Still be a gentleman, but also make me feel wanted, still be gentle with me, but let me know in some type of way that you got me🔒. Even though I’m at a level in life where I attract high caliber men, I’m still a prize too. I’m a great catch too. And I like when a man identifies that and makes it clear that I am in his favor.

Say if my new friend and I become involved and he becomes my lover, there’s a difference in asking “Are you coming with me?” vs. “You’re coming with me.” Asking me can be very open-ended, whereas telling me is letting me know what you want and what I am going to do. It’s the same when giving me a compliment, giving me a generic compliment doesn’t get me, but giving me a compliment that speaks to that fact you’ve been paying attention to the things I do or say is more unique. I had a man once criticize me because I took a picture and had one of my luxury accessories in the picture, making it seem like I was doing to much. But when I showed another man a similar picture, he complimented how I took it and how nice the picture was. It was almost like the first guy just wanted to take away from me when the other person wanted to pour into me. - *And you have to recognize when people are doing this, man or woman. When people really support you, they’re not going to find ways to break you down. I like for a man to say something that catches my heart. Say something so sweet to me that my bra undoes itself. Say something to me that makes me look at you with admiration..or makes me want you right in that moment. 😼

Even how a man says hi to me can make a difference. I don’t like being called pretty girl or babygirl, evening being called Ms. Raya throws me off a little. Some of my guy friends do it, I don’t say anything because I know that’s just they’re normal vernacular, but I don’t much care for it. But I do love for a man to see me walking towards me, give a big smile and say, “Hey, beautiful.” ✨️ As simple as that is, especially if I have something with you or I’m interested in you, I love that. Like take control of my mood, make me feel like no matter what we’re doing, you are going to make sure I enjoy my time with you. Come collect me, come take me, even if I put up a little fight, don’t get scared of me, I’m just not used to a man taking control, so be that man.

Some of the guy friends I hang out with have this nature about them, of course since they are only my friends, there’s a limit they can go with me, but if they sense that I’ve had too many drinks, they won’t let me drive. Or if they sense I am uncomfortable, they’ll come to my side. No matter how independent I am, I’m still a woman, I still want to feel safe, be protected, and cared for. And I would love a partner who does that for me. Don’t tiptoe around it, tell me you want me, tell me I’m yours, tell me no one else can have me like you have me. Take control, because who’s leading this, me or you? 🙃

Be safe everyone.

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Reader Question: Checking On An Ex

One of you readers asked me the following question:

“What does it mean when my ex keeps checking up on me through other people, but he doesn't call or text me directly?”

I think this is another one of those silly things that men do. If you're over a woman, why do you keep checking up on her? And there may be several reasons. He may still genuinely care, but just wants to keep his distance. Or he may be trying to find his way back but just isn’t sure what your current situation is.

But, here’s the kicker. The reader also says that he has a current girlfriend! 🥴

We’re going to call the reader, “Ms. P”.

Ms. P says that he's been seen around with the same woman for quite some time now, but he is still asking about her. And she said that she thinks he has his friends checking her social media pages for him. Ms. P does tell me she is single and doesn't want to be involved in any mess that he might cause especially if he is in a relationship with someone. But, Ms. P, it may be one of those situations where his just passing the time with a woman but they're not really together. Relationship have so many dynamics these days, who knows who's together or not.

I asked her if she wanted her ex to reach out to her directly and I’m not going to reveal her answer but I will go on to say the following…

Someone indirectly keeping up with what you're doing could be some of the reasons I've already mentioned, but I think also, how you two ended things may play a part. Do you guys feel like everything that needed to be done and said was in fact done and said? Or do you feel there's still some open feelings there? It's hard to really say why someone keeps checking up on you after things have ended unless you ask them and even then they may not really tell you.

But Ms. P, I think you should ask him and see what type of answer you get. Although, be careful because if he is in a real relationship he needs to be clear about that too. He may just want to talk about some things that he feels he needs to say. And you did say you guys were together a long time and it's been a year since your break up. With long-term relationships, it can be hard to shake someone and it can take many years to do so. It is possible there’s unresolved feelings there, but do you want to open the door for that? And if you do reach out to him and find out that he wants to rekindle something with you then you need to know where that other woman stands if there is someone he’s seeing.

I hope that with any of my previous relationships, if they want to know what's going on then they will contact me directly. I’ve not changed my number since my early 20s, and I have a public online portfolio with my contact information on it, so I'm not impossible to reach. And if anyone is trying to keep up with me on social media or even on here, I don’t share everything. I only share a few highlights and most of my topics are influenced by your questions and engagements. For instance, if it seems like I keep mentioning someone over and over, it’s because I get inundated with your inquiries. I go with the trend of what you mostly like to read or hear about while still maintaining a level of privacy. So if any of my previous personal affairs want to know about me, then just call me, Fam!

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽❤️

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The Curriculum Of My Sensuality

ATTN: Before anyone starts loading up in the messages, YES, I do still see that someone keeps getting passed certain firewalls and leaving nasty comments. I do not know how this is occuring, but I ask all of my dedicated visitors not to focus on that type of negativity. Whoever that person(s) is, I can only hope for other people to eventually see the true nature of that person(s) and realize they can only hide their petty actions for but so long. When I would react to things like that, I would get criticized by certain people because they did not want to see what was happening to me. Things happen outside of my control and as much as I am trying to process certain damage, triggers keep appearing, and it doesn’t help when people are hostile towards me. There is nothing for me to do but to continue in my blessings and wish the best. What I discuss on my platforms or do on my own time should not upset someone so much that they say such vile things.

Happy people aren’t bitter and bitter people aren’t happy. I am not going to be part of Misery’s company.

“The Sensual Part of Me is the Best Part of Me.”

I am more intuned with myself these days. I don’t agree to things I disagree with and I don’t become too close to people who may not align with my values and long-term goals. I have realized that I see the world through my senses. You’re probably thinking, “But Raya, don’t we all use our senses?” And yes, you’d be correct, and yes, I am referring to our taste, touch, smell, sound, sight, and our 6th sense. What I am alluding to is a more sensual nature of the senses, not sexual, but sensual. The elements that make up your aura. I don’t just embrace what I see, hear, taste, smell, touch, or intuitively feel, I sit in the moment. When I eat, I don’t just enjoy the flavors, I think about the ingredients, the presentation, the textures, the time it took, and my reaction after the first bite. When I look at people, I look at them deeply, not just the curvatures of their face, but also the uniqueness of their smile, the movement in their eyes, the way they sit, the way they walk, how they enter a room. I’ve been told that I can have a very intense gaze. My eye contact makes people feel I’m looking into their soul sometimes 🤣. I do try to maintain good I contact, I think that is a part of being engaged in a conversation and active listening, but I guess I need to look away more often. 😉

Embracing your sensuality as a holistic way of life, you can cultivate a deeper connection with yourself, people, and the world around you. Sensuality is about deeply engaging with and appreciating the sensory experiences that life offers, creating a profound sense of happiness and peace.

When I say the Curriculum of My Sensuality, I am speaking about my senses of peace, happiness, and comfort. Some people just see something and have no further thought. I see something and think of its architecture. I like finding the beauty in everything, it’s one of the hallmarks I’ve developed over the years and it’s become more defined recently. Being in the essence of the outside world makes me just as happy as being in the essence of my own private space.

One of my mentees, I think she is 28 or 29, beautiful girl, dark chocolate skin, gorgeous long hair, sweet soul, and she’s been taking some style notes from me, which hey, not to pat myself on the back, but when I was in high school, everyone thought I’d be traveling the world styling the rich and famous. And my mentee is so smart, she doesn’t limit herself to the small town she grew up in. She looks around and sees people becoming complacent with their limitations and surroundings with them believing that’s the best they can do, she doesn’t think like that. She believes that working odd jobs is okay as a stepping stone, but unless it becomes a career, she believe everyone should move on to better circumstances and benefits. Yeah…that’s MY MENTEE. She’s going to do great things in life. I can sit here all day and praise her. She told me the other day, “Raya, you always have this calm radiance about you. What’s that about?” I laughed a little bit and told her that I just got better at balancing what I want, what I need, what is long-term, and what is temporary in my life. I don’t mind being the woman sitting by myself at a restaurant, I don’t mind being looked at from afar and whispered about, I don’t mind people feeling intimidated around me, I don’t mind people disliking me. But I do mind how I feel in any moment. I mind myself. How are my senses being affected and how does that affect change my mood? Then I make decisions in conjunction of my mood. I love for people to see me and see how unbothered I am, but also how happy I am.

A lively heart and a quiet life is another part of my curriculum. I told one of my friends that having high-key love and a low-key life is what works best for me. It’s what keeps me grounded. People who see me out may think I am a social butterfly, but they only see me in that element for a short period of time, while most of my time is spent inside my own little world. I don’t always attend the happening events or accept everyone invitation somewhere. I go where I feel I can be comfortable.

Life tend to push us towards all different types of connections and events, finding comfort in solitude and peace in selective interactions is a powerful act of self-preservation. It's not about withdrawing from the world, but rather about engaging with it on your own terms, in ways that nurture you rather than drain you.

Reflecting on yourself is an ongoing practice. Consider these questions when figuring out your own Curriculum of Sensuality, or Peace or Happiness, whatever you want to label it:

1. What Are My Non-Negotiables? Identify the core values and needs that are essential to your well-being. These are the things that you must have in your life to feel grounded and fulfilled.

2. How Do I Recharge? Think about the activities and environments that replenish your energy. Do you feel most at peace around family, close friends, or just having an open conversation with someone who actively listens? Understanding this helps you prioritize your time and energy.

3. What Drains Me? Recognize the situations and interactions that leave you feeling depleted. This awareness can guide you in setting boundaries and saying no to what doesn’t serve your well-being.

4. How Do I Want to Be Seen? Consider how you want to be perceived by others versus how you perceive yourself. Sometimes, the image we project might not align with our true selves. Strive to bridge that gap by living authentically.

5. What Brings Me Joy? Joy can come in small, unexpected moments. Reflect on the things that light up your day and make you smile. Incorporate more of these moments into your routine….especially if part of your joy is coming on here and listening to my words for a few minutes a day! Aye, I LOVE IT! 😉

6. Am I Listening to My Body? Pay attention to how your body reacts to different situations. Physical sensations are indicators of your emotional state. Use this information to make choices that support your overall mental well-being and happiness.

Remember that it's okay to evolve and change. Your thoughts today might not be the same tomorrow, and that's perfectly fine. Learn how to gracefully incorporate that change without any harm. Embrace the fluidity of your wants and desires, and allow yourself the time and patience to grow. Even if you’re in your 60s. We are ever growing and changing. The more in tune you are with yourself, the more equipped you'll be to navigate life's complexities, at any age or milestone.

Be safe everyone.

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The Silly Things Men Do

“You entertained someone half of me. Now I look at you and think: Where’s the other half of you?”

Sorry for the background noise in the below audio, I was still in the coffee shop and wanted to share the run in.

It's no secret I have a lot of male friends. All of them are different, respectfully, and in some way, they are also all the same. It's also no secret that I love my fellas dearly...but they're still men and I still look at them sideways sometimes.

Many of you ladies have shared your stories with me and I love that you feel comfortable enough to share personal parts of your lives with me. So I came up with a summary of things men do that either makes no sense, or just completely foolish. Ladies, this one is for you. I’ve collected all your thoughts from the last few months and we are going to walk through them together. Fellas, we love you, let me say that first, but sometimes you are too all too common without any sense. I also need to mention this topic is not a dig, but there is value in sharing this because it may give all of us different perspectives on how we handle and communicate with each other.

So let’s go…

• Afraid to show feelings: Fellas if you like for us to let you know what we feel or think of you, give that same energy back. If you like us to tell you how great you are, compliment you, and make you feel noticed and appreciated, do the same for us to.

• Tell her you miss her: If you miss someone, SAY IT! Men, when you tell a woman you miss her there’s no telling how she will perceive that, but if you just miss her energy, conversation, and presence, there’s no shame in letting her know. You CAN tell a friend you miss them without anything being misunderstood. I have serval guy friends who I tell that I miss them, I told one them the other day and told them I wanted to plan to hang out with them soon.

• Not apologizing: This one is a big one. If you have done something to hurt her, APOLOGIZE for it. Now I cannot speak for every woman, but sometimes that is all I need to hear, nothing else, no explanation, no long conversation, just an “I’m sorry for everything” or “I’m sorry for how I made you feel.” is good for me. My friends who are husbands always tell me they if their wives are upset, they find a way to make it up to her or feel better, even if it means apologizing. And sometimes they tell me that they apologize for things that they are not even clear about 😆. But it comforts their wives so they do it. I mean that's your wife, you took the highest vow for her.

• Avoiding her and giving another woman attention: This one can be a little hard to navigate for some of you men. If there is a woman you think about, admire, or have some type of feelings for, don’t make her feel the latter or make her feel insignificant by giving more attention to another woman. I’m not sure if any of you are able to pick up on this, but sometimes you can feel when someone has something for you (good or bad), but if it’s good, why would you make them feel unseen? For me, small gestures mean so much like checking on me, saying something kind to me, or asking to see me….I love things like this. Just like with telling someone you miss them, it's similar here, if you like her, don’t make her believe that you don’t.

• Saying things out of frustration: I hate this one and I have been more cognizant of what I say when I am upset with someone. I try not to say anything that hurts them or makes them feel less of a person, but some men still need to learn self awareness in the aspect. But when you do realize the things you said that were hurtful, APOLOGIZE. One of the truest acts of an honorable man is recognizing he did something wrong or shameful and making a mends for it. Don't claim to be a good man or at peace with everything if you’ve not made peace with those you have acted poorly towards. Fellas, get it together. If you know better, do better. 🤷🏽‍♀️

• *Don’t put a lesser woman higher than a whole woman: I wasn’t sure how to label this one, but many of you ladies have shared similar stories of men seeking women who are half the woman they are and there may be many reasons for this. Ladies, do get upset, but this is some the the things my guy friends have told me:

  • Sometimes a lesser woman is just there for fun because there’s nothing significant he can really have with her.

  • Some older men seek younger women to make themselves feel younger and if you recall in a previous post, a friend explained that the younger generation “go after it more”, so they tend to do more for the attention and affections of a man and can be reckless in doing so, while older woman are more established in their value and confidence and require equal efforts from a man. So a man who isn't able to give equal effort will resort to a lesser woman.

  • In conjunction to that, a lesser woman folds more to a man’s requests. Now, I believe in treating a man good, but you don't get top quality treatment from the start. Just like you don't automatically get a degree or a successful business, you have to work for it. And trust me, we know some men don't like that, so let those men run around with their foolishness.

✨️ But ladies, let me give you some light to all of this…

My fellas also tell me that a lesser woman cannot provide a man with the same infrastructure of companionship. This might go over some of your heads (especially the men who may have felt slighted from this topic), but basically what my guys are saying is that, don’t make yourself lesser when you worked hard and have went through a lot of experiences to make you MORE. Actually, you should take pride in being the kind of woman who doesn’t fold for a man who has lesser values in the women they decide to entertain. Think more on this, all of you.

Fellas, if you fall into any of these things, you're not the worst, especially if you realize you can do things differently. And if you are entertaining a lesser woman for thrills, then have your fun times, but don’t put that woman above a woman who you know is so much more. That's just disrespectful, not only to her, but to your persona as well. But aye, do what you want.

Be safe everyone.

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May Day 🎂

“Celebrate Life”

May has always been a big month in my life and household. I not only have my birthday, but I also have my daughter’s birthday, mother’s day, memorial day weekend is always a United celebration, and the weather is getting into the summer, so yeah May is a big deal.

But, I want to make this topic short, sweet, and informative.

The older we get the more care we need to take for ourselves, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Mentally. We should keep ourselves from any unnecessary stress or conflicts. There may be people in our lives that we may like a lot, but they are not good for our mental health because they do not align with our lives enough that gives us the peace we need. They may give you joy, but do they give you PEACE? That is a personal question you need to ask yourself. Someone can give you excitement, but are they also giving you calmness and steadiness in your mind?

Physically. This one is very important especially those of us who are 35 and older. Your physical health plays a part in your overall happiness and well-being. GET THOSE CHECK-UPS! Ladies, this means go see your GYN and schedule that mammogram because the Hello Kitty and the Girls need to get check every year at the very least. Fellas, I know you guys needs to get your parts check too and it is more imperative the older you get especially if there are medical concerns in the family bloodline. Do not push anything off until later, especially if you are experience on-going pain or discomfort anywhere. We need to enjoy our lives and our loved ones, but we have to be healthy enough to do so.

Spiritually. One of the things I am learning from my new friend is that energies can transfer. I’ve always know this, but he’s been reminding me more it more and more lately. You know that saying, “Misery loves company”? People who are not in good spirits or who have underlying negative intentions will imprint their energies onto you if you are not careful around them. And that energy can drain you and affect you mentally, further affecting you physically. So someone who may seem like they are good to connect with may not be the best connection for you. The thing is you really have to pay attention to people’s moods and behaviors. If you find yourself questioning how they move and trying to correct what they do, then their spirits are in a different mode of life than you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, but rather they are just not your kind of people to keep too close to you if you don’t have to.

Everything we do is a choice and just because something or someone is fun, doesn’t always mean it’s healthy for us long term. Definitely have your fun, but be aware of your limits too and how it impacts you and your surroundings, because your Mental, Physical, and Spirit rely on it.

Be Safe Everyone!

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He Makes Me Want To Be More Feminine

“There’s 3 emotions that can kill you: 1. Love 2. Revenge 3. Greed.

I am too blessed to be greedy and I don’t have the time for revenge. ”

I don’t want to speak too much about this because I do not want to get ahead of myself, so this may be the first and last time I mention something like this.

So there is someone I’ve been getting to know. He's very new to me, not even a full year. Nothing has happened between us other than conversations, so I don’t have a pseudonym for him at the moment. It it becomes something, I may create a little nickname for him.

He's very aware of my life and what I'm trying to do so he knows that my time is limited and so is my headspace. The way he talks to me is so sweet, it's like he wants to protect my soul and he makes me feel so feminine. Let me try to explain it…

My natural vernacular, the way I speak, the tones I used when I'm excited or sad can be brass at times, but I don't do that with him. It’s like there’s a softness that takes over me and I want my words to be delicate with him. I’m nervous to share this with my friends especially the fellas because they're going to ask me to bring him around and I’m not ready to do that for two reasons. 1. I know how my guy friends are. They’ll do or say things to test him or get a feel for him, and that's not a bad thing. I’m just don’t want him to be in that scenario right now. I want to learn him some more. 2. If I bring this man around, they are going to see how different I am with him. They've seen the tough and strong Raya. They've seen the no tolerance Raya. They've never seen this version of me and to be honest THIS VERSION of me is a bit surprising to me too!

It's like as soon as I see a message from him or hear his voice or lay eyes on him, my cold exterior melts. I look at him and instantly feel like there’s a layer of love covering me and that he won't let anyone hurt me or disrespect me. Maybe he's only in my life to teach me that there are men who can make me feel like this where I can completely be soft and pink. If that's his purpose, if he here to prepare me for my next love, then I fully accept it. Because again, he knows I can't focus on a relationship right now he also knows that I need to keep my heart to myself for a little bit and that I’m only extending it to the people who’ve already been in my life for many years.

He doesn’t know the details of my most recent lover, but he knows there's some damage there. And I did tell him that I have common friends with the previous lover. He asked a few questions about that, but I expected it because yeah, if you're slightly interested in someone and they are close friends with people who's close to the last person they were involved with, how does that work? But he doesn't give me any insecure vibes or suspicious vibes. He even said that when the time is right, I will eventually have a healthy interaction with the previous lover. But he also said that anyone who was willing to give me up completely don’t really deserve to even be near me. I’m sure he was trying to make me feel good with that last statement, and it did. 🥰

He's very confident. He's not pressuring me to be anymore than a friend who he shares insightful conversations with. Who knows, that might be part of his finesse, but let me not allow my mind to go there. I've experienced men be one way when I meet them and become another way afterwards. But I’ve never been as gentle as I am and the way I am with this one.

The way he says my name makes my heart flutter. He has that southern twang in his speech but he articulates his words very well, he’s highly intelligent and with me being an academic, I admire that a lot. Even his emotional intelligence has shocked me, he listens to what I talk about and reads between my lines to pick up on what I don’t say and he doesn’t use that against me, he just listens and let’s me be as comfortable as I need to be.

But I am more surprised with myself! I know I am a good person and I know I am sweet to people especially when they are sweet to me, but I never caught myself being so soft before.

I’m fcked, aren’t I Ladies? Yeah, I think I need not to speak to him for a few weeks. I cannot make any big changes in my life right now, let alone make any changes with my heart. I am not ready for that yet and sadly, if that means I lose the connection with him, then that’s the sacrifice I need to make in order to reach the success I want and keep the peace I have. That may be unfortunate for him, but I can’t get involved with anyone’s misrepresented soul again. I still need to protect mine. I’m not a bum b*ch waiting for a man to change my life and wear me on his arm or show me to the world like a trinket. No, I’m not one of these girls living life on a whim chasing after an emotional high. I have plans, I want great things. When I am ready to love, I am going to LOVE. Right now, I like him. He’s good to my soul and making me reveal a part of me that I did not know was there.

Goodness, I hope he's as good as he seems to be, Lord knows I deserve it.

Be safe everyone.

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Lessons On Class And Confidence

“My standards are too high to be out here doing what I see these girls doing for validation and attention.” - My Daughter

Finishing schools for girls used to be widely popular decades ago. They also stir up a little contravousey because some people believe these types of schools set women back and only groom them to be a man’s perfect companion and not anything more. I beg to differ. I honestly believe finishing school teach girls how to be demure and a proper lady. For instance, and call me stuck-up if you like, but I am not a fan of gum chewing. I think it’s distracting and meaningless.

To be clear, I never attended a finishing school, but I was raised by a father who taught me to be a lady and taught me to always present myself to the world as such. And trust me, when I am around my father, that’s what he sees…now, when he’s not around, that’s a different story, but I still maintain a level of class, and I know he’s be proud to know that 90% of the time, I am carrying myself like a proper citizen of society…I won’t speak too much of that 10%! ….Because some of the outfits I wear, I would NOT want him to see!

My father raised me to have confidence within myself, whereas my mother’s lessons were more about obtaining my confidence through men. Luckily, I leaned more on my father’s words than that of my mother. And almost all of my guy friends have mentioned at least once that the way I carry myself is admirable. One of them said that they know they’ll never see me bent over on a man or giving him a lapdance or being provocative in public…he ain’t wrong!

One of my guy friends was telling me that a girl approached him and wanted to go home with him and she didn't care if he knew her name or not. He said she was very forward. I was actually there and I noticed the interaction but, I know what the girl was saying. When he told me about it I said to him that some men like that, but he said NOT HIM. 🤣 He said that does not appeal to him and he ignored her advances. We both had a laugh about it the next day. Another friend said that birds of a feather flock together and if she is like that, her friends are most likely like that too and don't think twice about sleeping with any men and probably have a history of doing things like that. Ladies, this may seem fun and exciting, but that is NOT the look!

I know the music today does influence some of the extreme behaviors with these types of lyrics and how the artists are being advertised and promoted. They are preforming to keep a certain image, but me and you, we’re not getting paid to be over sexualized or to part of a hoe brand so Nah, baby, you've got to be better than that. And just think about the types of men who are turned on by women like that. Simple minded. 👀 To be fair, when things are done tasteful, it can be attractive, but the problem is too many people don't know the difference.

But let’s not focus on that, let’s go through a few points on how to exude class and confidence. This is mainly for women, but if you men see it fitting, then so be it. We don’t discriminate over here.

First and foremost, NEVER walk into a place with your arms crossed. Body language is EVERYTHING! When you walking into a bar, lounge, office building, stadium, wherever, keep a straight posture, shoulders relaxed, and arms down. When you have your arms crossed, it minimized you, and it can show a type of insecurity. Also, if you are going somewhere to meet people and you are not familiar with the place, walk in, stop, and quickly scan the room to look for your people. Also, never enter a place looking down on your phone. Look at your phone after scanning the room, but not when you first arrive.

If you are by yourself, do not be shy to speak to the people around you. If I am going out to eat or going to a bar by myself, I usually will sit at the bartop and if it is a little crowded, I find an open seat and softly smile at the people sitting nearby and I may say hello. Always give a welcoming presence. The other evening I was at a bar that I go to all the time and a man who goes there often too, but has never spoken to me, was sitting nearby and we struck up a conversation. He had mentioned that he noticed me a few weeks prior and noticed men approaching me and how I entertained the conversations, but still maintained a level of independence, as in “Yes, I am here alone, yes, I am friendly, but no, I am not a woman who is easily impressed or a woman you’re going to take home.” It’s always flattering when people notice things like this.

Also, if you are going to buy a drink for someone, no matter if you are a man or woman, just buy it, BUT there’s a way to do it without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Usually, if I am having a good conversation with someone and I notice them order another drink for themselves, I tell the bartender to put that drink on my tab. Or if I notice people I am familiar with, I tell the bartender to put their next round on my tab. And if I get myself any food, I offer to share it.

With physical contact, I don’t put my hands on anyone other then reaching out to hug someone. Or if I am in the middle of laughing, I may rest my hand on someone’s shoulder or arm, but I do not let it linger. Although, I have been known to gently keep my hands on someone’s back, but that’s only if I feel completely comfortable with the person. It’s the same if I hold someone’s hand. Sometimes if the conversation is getting sentimental, I hold out my hand for the person to hold as a gesture of consolation.

Confident people do not take in bad energy. If there is someone who is being rude, petty, or trying to intimate others, we don’t partake in that. Continue to enjoy yourself and the people who are enjoying themselves too. Women tend to do this often when they see other women who make them a little insecure about themselves. They tend to say things to their friends or whisper foul things under their breath. Ladies, we don’t get bothered by that. Actually, you should find amusement in people like that who rather have a bad attitude over a good time. Being happy in the moment will always outshine those who want to be callous.

Having class is having a behavior that shows people you cannot be affected by malicious people. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you know your value and worth to not succumb to tasteless acts. This also doesn’t mean you should always stay quiet and not defend yourself or other people, but it’s all in how you conduct yourself. If someone is speaking poorly towards me or about someone I care about, I don’t initially respond with aggression, I simply point out that they are entitled to their feelings, but I am not going to engage in whatever bad emotions they have of me or others. When you talk down on other people, it more so takes away from you because you are putting out negative energy that isn’t warranted or necessary. What’s that saying?…

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.

Even if I come across someone I am not in favor of, at the very least, I will say hi, but nothing more needs to be said. Why would you waste your time holding a conversation with someone who you do not have pleasant feelings about? Part of having class is having good characteristics. And the thing with confidence is that it doesn’t just come out of nowhere, it’s a portfolio of interactions and experiences with people, and it’s not just about people complimenting your look, it’s more so people affirming your character. And the weight of people affirming me is very heavy. So if someone is trying to make me feel small, it will be an instant failure on their part. I take the high ground as much as I can because taking that high ground separates me from people of less integrity and if you do the same things, be proud of yourself for it.

And ladies, if men lose interest because you're not easy or think you're boring because you hold yourself to a standard and won't break that standard for them, then that man go be with silly girls because he has a silly mind. A man of distinction is going to recognize a woman of distinction even if nothing ever happens between them, he’ll still admire a woman who sets herself apart from what everyone else may think is appealing. Because a man like that acknowledges and appreciates a woman who sets her own path and wouldn't want her to be less than what she is. So don’t feed into the nonsense. It never lasts. And you're better than that.

Be safe everyone…and stay classy.

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Reconciliation

“Hey bighead.”

I love all the positive energy I am getting from many of you about my whatever situation it is. Instead of you guy saying fck that person, you guys are really saying good things. I do not know how many of you are long term here, but it kind of feels like you are growing with me. And yes, to agree with most of you, there’s always opportunities for reconciliation and resolution. Within my situation, I am not sure how possible that is, but we would both want to reconcile and one of us will need to break the ice and I could be wrong, but I feel that over the years, I have extended the olive branch many times over, this time, I think I am all out of taking the first step. Is that wrong to feel that way?

One of you said, “Send a text saying Hey bighead!” 🤣

I think the only contributing variable in a possible reconciliation is the fact we have friends in common with whom I am close to and I have gotten closer to a few ever since the smoke cleared. The friends maintain a mutual stance. They do not say anything wayward and I don’t say much about it either. I think they just have this unspoken understanding that they are just to stand by and let everything take its natural course. I respect that. I don’t like people feeling like they have to take stake in a matter that doesn’t directly involve them. And with these friends, I never could have imagined that I’d become so close to them. We all just naturally gravitated to each other. They’ve held on to me and I've held on to them. And sometimes they just randomly check on me. I was talking to one of them over the weekend and telling him that I’ve been stressed about the IRB process with my dissertation research and he says to me that if I need to block all of them for a year, they support it, but he also said that if I want to take my mind off it for a bit then we can hangout, get some food and drinks, and help me relax. I fckn love these people! Even when I don't say I’m stressed, they can hear it in my voice, they know how to read me and it's crazy because my relationship with them is far different from the relationship I have with the person we know, like that person should know how to read me and pick up on things.

And I mention previously that this person never really took the genuine time and energy to really know me, so how could they have ever loved me? I know the friends genuinely love me because they’ll say things to me that I didn’t even realized they even noticed about me, so I know they have been paying attention to who I am. I don’t think I can recall a moment where this person said something that let me know they see me. Which again, makes me sad to think about it. ❤️‍🩹

Of course this is just a small subset of my life compared to what is all on my plate, so it does not take up a lot of headspace, but there is space for it. I’m not one of those people who is like, “You’re nothing to me. Stay out of my life.” I think people who are like that are fighting demons within themselves and just don’t know how to compose themselves in a good manner. Yes, there are more pressing matters for me to address, and I’m not going to see about this unless it’s presented to me, but I am also not going to be childish about it. Children act out, adults don’t.

We get to a point in our lives where even though we may not care the same way about something, we still don’t need to be heartless about it regardless of what the other person has done or said. The last actual conversation I had with the person was not a great one and they said some cruel things, but to what purpose? I don’t know the answer to that, do what you want, at the end of the day, that’s not the type of energy I have. Bad energy is beneath me. And I told the friends the same thing. I have no mean words to say to anyone or about anyone. Let them do what they want to do. If they want to act foolish, let them. If they want to to civilized, let them. The only thing we can control is what decisions we make, not what decision other people make. Because when I meet my maker, I’m want to be confident that I did my best with people, whether there is a reconciliation or not. Should that be a goal, I mean I guess in some aspect, but either way I know who I am. I am not putting on a facade for people, I am not trying to prove anything other than that fact that I can be better and I am better. ✨️

And that’s what you have to remember for yourself. Let people act the way they want to, but you make sure you can be proud of yourself. If someone wants to mend anything with you, try to be open to it, but set boundaries. You don’t have to give anyone the same version of you that they took for granted. That’s on them. The Ex doesn’t get that same version of me. The Athlete doesn’t get the same version of me. But neither of them or getting a poor version of me, they are just getting a readjusted version where there’s new barriers. Are you guys following what I am saying? If you can be on good terms with someone, do it. But you are not required to put yourself in the same place to possibly get hurt again. 😕

I don’t want to get religious with you all, but I am a believer. I believe in the universe. I believe in the fact that people will show who they are based on what they are going through at the moment. If they are showing tension, it’s likely they are getting tension from another part of their lives. You just have to learn how to not be the type of person to transfer tension to others. I am also a prayer. I pray a lot and I rarely pray for myself. All of my prayers are in thoughts of other people. I pray for people to love and I pray for people to heal. I cannot make someone see me or see me in the eyes of someone who loves me. But I can pray that they strengthen their hearts to develop an understanding of what love can do for people when it’s genuine. Because there's so much love people are giving that’s temporary, superficial, and conditional and that's because many people don't understand their emotions so they act instinctively and don't think about what it is that their souls really need. ❤️

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

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Advice From A Friend

“Men of good sense know the difference between a valued woman vs. a temporary woman.” - Que

One of my guy friends and I had a heart to heart about a few things. I’ve know him about 10 years now and we catch up about about once a week. We’ll talk for maybe 30-45 mins, just catching up and discussion various topics and since we don’t live in the same area, we video chat each other. I enjoy my conversations with him, it’s never superficial, and we feed off each other’s intelligence and cleverness. So the day he called me, it was about 1 hour after I published the last post, so my emotions were still high. When I answered his call, he instantly knew something was up. Now, even though he is a very trusted friend, I still don’t not share too much of my personal life that doesn’t involve the person I am speaking to, does that make sense to you all?

He asked me what was going on and I was reluctant to tell him anything because I did not want him to be too concerned about me. This friend, we’re going to call him “Que” has become really fond of me and cares a lot for my happiness and well-being. So I ended up telling him about the topic I just posted up and gave him a little background detail. He was already somewhat familiar of my history with the person and the friends I have in common with the person. I also admitted that my feelings were hurt from different situations with the person and that it makes me sad to think about it. Que applauded me for admitting to that because even he knows I am not very vulnerable with my feelings. He also knows me enough that hurt feelings won’t weigh me down, but I just may need a moment to process them through and he just caught me in that moment when he called. Que is also aware that within that friend circle, no matter what they know, seen, or have been told over the years, they do not treat me any different, they still handle me the same. And I think that speaks highly to their character.

So with the information Que already knew and the information I had just given him, he told me to remember what I’m trying to do. What he meant by that is for me to not get lost in whatever the issue is that it takes me away from what I am trying to accomplish personally and professionally. He advised me not to be around people who are not only reckless with me, but also reckless with their own decisions. And since Que is aware that I have an abundance of male friends, he warns me to be mindful of how people on the outside may see me. Even though my friendships are innocent, he doesn’t want me to put myself in a predicament where people do not take me seriously or misjudge me because of the types of men I am around.

He did said that there are places men take their wives and the women they care about and there’s a decorum on how you act when you are in those place, and then there’s places men take their toys (if you get what I am saying) and those toys do not always know how to adhere to the appropriate decorum. Que said that the way I carry myself, I do not want to be in the the places where tasteless things are being done.

Now to be fair, Que does put me on a high pedestal and over the years he’s heard me talk about my professional goals. He wants me to protect my reputation. His position on this is that he doesn’t want me to diminished my hard work just to be labeled as “that girl who was with that guy” or “that girl who’s always with those men”. And I completely understand what he’s saying. You never know who you will need to interact with, so you want to be seen as someone who can be trusted and held at a high regard.

And I definitely don’t want to be labeled as a woman who’s doesn’t know how to handle business or is not well versed in many worldly topics. And Que knows my confidence is not easily affected. He knows that no matter how someone may mishandle me, that I will still come out on the other side even better. He said people who really have good hearts end up regretting how they treat people and if they really want to be better people, they make changes within themselves.

I’ve always told you all, I am not perfect. None of us are, but we have to learn from mistakes and bad decisions otherwise we are just going to continue to leave a trail of damage behind us. I don’t want to be know for that, so I do my best to practice self-awareness. Even when I am being wronged, I am still aware enough to process my decisions in the matter. I am smart, I am beautiful, I do intimate men and women, and people do get insecure when I am present, but that is not something that should influence me to act disgracefully. I am a woman of distinction. I am admired and I am loved. Anyone who does not agree or see that doesn’t really know me.

So ladies and gentlemen, never forget your value even if you are sad about something. And to affirm everything Que talked to me about, don’t forget the goals you set for yourself. Don’t let someone else’s poor choices hinder your behavior. And when it comes to how the world may see you, you don’t ways need to defend your stance, but protect your reputation even if all you do is say nothing and just show people what class looks like.

Be safe everyone.

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Spiritual Impacts From the Solar Eclipse (April 8th)

You already know I am not big on Zodiacs and the meaning of the stars, BUT… the movement of the elements in the universe does have some effect on us.

According to Architectural Digest, it symbolizes a time of darkness and spiritual renewal, offering an opportunity for introspection and the shedding of old energies. In astrology, the eclipse signifies the darkness of the ego and the potential for spiritual rebirth, marking a moment to release past patterns and embrace new perspectives.

Reference: https://www.hindustantimes.com/

Here is a glimpse of what may come into play for you from the solar eclipse…

Aries March 21 - April 19

The insecurities and anxieties that may have been hiding in the depths may suddenly emerge, and you will have to deal with them directly. This eclipse also emphasises your desire to seek refuge from the outside world to be alone, eliminate the impurities, and renew in the personal sphere. The time spent in solitude, near the water, and in sacred spaces can be healing. When the clouds clear in your mind, you will see the world with a new outlook and a greater sense of meaning.

Taurus April 2 - May 20 ✨Me ✨

This eclipse could indicate the end of transient relationships that have come to their natural end, thus allowing new and more meaningful relationships to sprout. It will motivate you to develop new aspects of yourself and experiment with different things. You will be more open to the idea of teamwork rather than doing everything by yourself. Stay open to changing circumstances and accept these shifts as a part of evolution.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

The eclipse can be a source of bright ideas that will ignite new mental endeavours and awaken curiosity. Under this eclipse, there can be new professional beginnings. A new position could be offered, or you might be promoted to a leadership role in the workplace. You may find yourself in a higher position and more spotlight. The eclipse makes you ask yourself if you are on the right road, which is true and meaningful. If not, it's high time to stop and make adjustments.

Cancer June 21 - July 22

This eclipse can boost your thirst for knowledge and wisdom. You may desire to study more, but it could be as simple as enrolling in a course, attending seminars, or delving into philosophical and religious studies. You would be in search of a stronger spiritual connection, looking for alternative belief systems, or embarking on a more introspective journey. The eclipse could offer the chance to go on an adventurous trip.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The eclipse will give you a profound chance to have introspection and self-exploration. You may be under great emotional stress, with deep-seated fears and attachments holding you back. This is when you should turn inwards, let go of everything that does not serve you anymore, and be ready for the transformation process. There can be a break-up with an old relationship that is no longer suitable.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

This eclipse may mark a significant turning point in how you perceive the world around you, specifically about love and relationships. It could be the point when you discover new people who can positively change your life or see the end of some relationships that may not help you grow. It will incite you to analyse the nature of your partnerships critically. You might want to reconsider new ideas and collaborations.

Libra September 23 - octber 22

This eclipse urges you to reconsider issues relating to your health and well-being activities. This is when to adopt healthier habits or deal with existing health problems. Start new fitness regimens and dietary changes, or even look for alternative healing modalities to improve health. This eclipse could also signal upcoming changes in your professional life. You may be motivated to pursue new career goals and rearrange your work environment significantly.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

This is the time to examine creative endeavours, hobbies, and unique forms of creative expression. It may be the opportunity to discover talents that were hidden before or confront the creative barriers that were in the way of progress. Romantic relationships, too, may be subject to significant changes. The eclipse may open the avenue for new realisations or unexpected twists in romance or relationships.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

During the solar eclipse, the spotlight is directed towards your inner world, and you must search beyond the surface to discover the hidden recesses of your emotional foundations. It will bring to light unsolved issues and unconsciously expressed emotions. This can be a period of family transformation for some. Let go of old customs and bargain new deals. Find a balance between your needs and the family's required duties.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

This is when you could consider relocating to a new area or starting a new project, including writing or public speaking. During the eclipse, you will be curious to go on short trips or participate in academic activities and assignments that will deepen your thinking and give you a more thorough understanding of your surroundings. You can start intellectual ventures enabling you to discover and utilise your potential.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

This eclipse might be a wake-up call to reconsider how you perceive money and material things. You might be pressured to simplify spending, reduce unnecessary expenses, or even chase new opportunities to generate income. You may also use this period to explore alternative ways of wealth accumulation or investment opportunities that meet your values, like eco-friendly or socially responsible investments.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

During this eclipse, you may become more aware of yourself and even start a new spiritual journey. This might be when you realise that you must discover your hidden abilities or interests. Besides, the eclipse may make you question your aims and values. Your intuition will be heightened during this period. There could be sudden revelations that can become a guide to the path you have chosen.

Be Above It

“We cannot always hold people to their indiscretions.”

I want to share this anyone who has been slighted by someone they used to be fond of.

I was speaking to a dear friend recently, we were reflecting on good times that have been shared and then he stated to me that he hates how things play out between me and someone we both know. I responded to him with…

Sweetheart, I know you’ve not been privy to all the information and all the intricate details. One day I may speak my part, but not today. Only two people in the circle has seen me at my rawest emotions with different struggles. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m amazing. I’m thriving. I’m happy. I’m blessed. And we only move forward and only look in the review for reminders.

After our short discussion, I reflected on my experiences with the mentioned person where for so long I was kept in the dark about a vital piece of information. Information to which if I had known, many events, feelings, and decisions would not have happened. And yet, I was made to feel like I was the one who was constantly wrong. And also reflected on how the person treated me and the words they said before and after the news was revealed to me. It’s like I never really knew this person at all. I don’t have any hate in my heart and I moved passed wanting to know “WHY?” with anything. I actually feel indifferent about this person now, which is a weird feeling for someone I once felt very warm towards. It’s almost like this person is a stranger, now that I’ve been made aware of several things that was not presented to me for so long. Again, I have no hate in my heart and the people that this person and I share in common have a very special place in my heart. I love seeing them and catching up with them. They’ve never waivered me or made me feel unimportant. They have always placed a barrier of protection over me and for that, I am forever grateful. And my indifference towards the person I once knew will not affect how I care for those people.

I know I keep bringing this up, but this confirmation of my growth and peace. If I run into this person, I’ll still be kind. I’ll be delicate and ladylike, just as if it was my first time meeting this individual. I cannot predict how this person may behave, react, or receive me. Or if this person will be dismissive or slander me to those around. I surely don’t expect this person to protect me since that has been revealed recently. But hey, that’s not on me. It’s not proper for me beseech someone to act in valor.

I also previously told my friend that the person had their own reason for acting and saying what they did. The person also had their own reasons for keeping me in the dark about important information. I am unclear of those reasons as several of those in the same circle are unclear too. But again, that’s not on me and the friends who are aware of the matter agree. Yet, I am not sharing this to revel in it, because no one in the circle has spoken poorly of the person including myself, and I don’t bring anything up unless they ask. Even then I am tight lipped about what I share.

I’ve made a conscious decision to be above it. What’s been done cannot be undone. What’s been said cannot be unsaid. The only action is what I told my friend, “…we only move forward and only look in the rear view for reminders.” And not a reminder of pain and disappointment, but a reminder of what’s come from the experience and being grateful of the lessons learned from it. Like I said, I don’t know how this person will receive me if we run into each other, but I’ll stay delicate and hope for a proper and good interaction. I mean, I loved this person at one point, there still a little love there, it’s just not the same.

We cannot always hold people to their indiscretions. Therefore, we cannot always expect the worst or even the best from them. All we can do is be generous, not engage in gossip, not to pass prejudgements, not be venomous, and keep an open mind to people. Who they were yesterday may not be who they are today and tomorrow. That’s the surprise in life. Expect the unexpected and change is always inevitable. Take a deep breath, think of those who love you and have always shared their careness towards you.

For the Ladies, anytime I am tussling through my mind, I like to soak in a Lavender and Milk bath after getting a mani/pedi. I do a facial scrub and I put on a calming playlist, and then I just breathe. Fellas, I don’t know what helps you to decompress, but some of my close friends have said that having a boys gathering, like a kickback at someone house where you just sit and talk about various things helps bring out the better versions of yourself and keeps you reminded of how making good choices with people impacts the trajectory of your surroundings.

I hope sharing this helps some of you.

Be safe everyone.

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Don't Subliminally Pressure Me

“You can’t force the outcome you want.”

I mentioned this in my rundown of topics previously. I am beginning not to like it when men have ulterior motives with me. Because then I feel like I am not being heard and you just want what you want. If I tell a man I am not interested in jumping into a relationship or that I cannot prioritize a relationship right now, don’t push the topic. Although, you know what I’ve experienced when I stand firm on what I say? The men tend to get upset with me! WHY??? When I made it very clear what I don’t want, So now you’re upset because you could not convince me otherwise? - If you are going to be sassy because something is not going your way, why would I want to be with that type of man in the first place?

I’m not trying to be sexist, but it does seem like men are acting more feminine these days in regards to their emotions. It's okay to express your feelings, but don’t get out of sorts about it. You should still maintain some sort of composure and masculinity.

I shut out the world on purpose and frequently. I only show the world what I want it to see. Putting a space between me and what's outside of me is how I'm able to keep steadiness within my personal life and maintain my peace. Even if we are good friends, I still need some distance. Some take offense to it, although it is my choice, and I choose to wake up grateful knowing I'm blessed. I learned that I cannot give too much of myself to people. I cannot get too engaged with everyone else’s matters. My emotions and opinions can only go so far, and the best I can do is consciously choose to be full of light. I'm social when I'm social. I'm not when I'm not. And in both ways, I don’t like being expected. So if my words are falling on deaf ears to a man, then the decision is easy, I am not going to tolerate or entertain him.

I think I’ve shared this before, I do get some slack from friends about how I should be grateful that so many men are interested in me and want to give me the world and treat me like a Queen. Although, my mind doesn’t think like that. I don’t want someone who is obsessed with me, I don’t want someone who is exactly like me, and I surely don’t want someone who gets uptight when I am not conforming to his expectations. Yes, I do want someone who admires and respects me, but you don’t have to be with me to do that. A good man is a good man all around, no matter her relationship with a woman.

I am appreciative that men are sweet on me, and I am even more appreciative that my male friends have a soft spot for me. I am just not that woman who wants a house on the hills with the man of her dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I used to be that woman when I was younger. If you want those things or have that life, I love that for you, there’s nothing wrong with it. We all take our experiences and shape them differently. For me, I have experienced many things in my life that have made me think more practically and be more sensible about men and relationships. Had some of these men today who are trying to win me over, if they met me when I still thought how I used to think, I have no doubt I’d be married and possibly with more children.

Much of my growth happened in the last few years. I don’t regret anything. I don’t feel that I am wasting my looks or my femininity because I don’t want a traditional relationship. I just think that I am making decisions that are best for me. My outlook on life doesn’t block men from loving me; I’m just more reserved on how I would like men to love me.

Be safe everyone.

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Deflecting Anger and Blaming Others

“Sometimes you’ve got to acknowledge your own faults.”

I started to write this a few weeks ago, but other topics pushed this one aside so I’m finally getting a chance to circle back. First, let me ask, How are you all doing? Is everything good? Before I start, do any of you have anger management issues? Do you get upset at the slightest inconvenience? Do you go off on people? Do you feel your anger is always someone else's fault? If any of this is you or if you seem to always be in the mix of struggling between anger and peace, then baby sit down because I’m going to tell you something you're not going to want to hear: YOU MIGHT BE THE PROBLEM. AND IF SO, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE PEACE.

If and when someone is upset with me and wants to get loud or aggressive. I let them release whatever tension they have. Whether you're a man or woman, I'm going to go ahead a let you be sassy. Especially the men. But the one thing that makes me laugh to myself is when people claim to be happy and in a good place, but so quick to get upset at someone. Sweetheart that’s not a practice of peace.

For people like this, who claim to be happy and tranquil, I just want to say, “Fam, you don’t even know what you're saying. You're just saying because you think it sounds good or it makes you seem like a good person. Sitchoass down in the corner somewhere and think about it. Don’t say a damn thing and just think about what it really means to be at peace.” -- But I don’t call those people out. WHY? Because I'm so good with my life and my growth right now that it would just take away from my blessings and my good vibes. Listen, when I say I’m good, I’m GREAT! Even though I am juggling many things right now, I have steadiness in all of those things. So who ever wants to get upset with me, go ahead and be sassy all you want. Call somebody, talk about me, shoot in the group chat about me, call me crazy, try to disgrace me, go ahead, because a person who doesn't like me isn’t go to say the best things about me, but I know my value to people and the people who do like me know my value, so again, if you're upset with me, give all the sass you want to. Maybe doing that will bring you peace.

People who are so quick to lash out at someone have an immaturity about them or they are around immature people who influence them to act that way.

Here's the thing, if someone isn't stealing from you, messing with your money, causing physical harm to you, or disrespecting your family, then what’s there to be upset about? Doing all that carrying on for what? What does it serve? Even with people who aren't my favorite people, I still don’t say anything foul about them because I’m cognizant enough that I understand my experience with someone isn’t going to be the same as someone else's experience with them. So what do I look like talking poorly about someone to another person who has a different type of connection or relationship with them? For example, why would I talk about a person to someone they are close to like a family member or a close friend? Number one, I don’t speak poorly of people in the first place, let alone speak of them to people they are familiar with. That’s a childish behavior, or people who are like that either do not have much going on in their lives or just likes to gossip. For instance, elderly people tend to gossip a bit because that helps them pass the time and keep their minds active. Baby, I’m not elderly, nor do I not have a lot going on for me or in my life.

What’s that saying? "Small minds discuss people great minds discuss ideas.”

If your main focus is discussing people, then it’s likely that your emotions are reflective of what others do. If so, your mind and your heart cannot be at peace, no matter that you say. I’m not a simple broad, I’m not trying to figure out whose talking about me or who doesn’t like me. If you don’t like me, that’s a shame for you because I’m awesome. I’ve been through a lot of things that has shaped me and none of my experiences made be bitter about people or life. There’s several people I could be angry at right now and there’s plenty of people I can disgrace and talk about, but what does that do for me? My life and my success is moving forward. Why would I step away from that?

If you are upset with someone and think it’s all their fault, it’s not. There’s a cause to everything and don’t think that you are not part of that cause. So before your start blaming people, think about the type of person you THINK you are vs the type of person you actually are and how you have affected other people with your decisions.

Be safe everyone.

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