UPDATE 1: Some of you answered my questions in the last section. - Thank you.😊

UPDATE 2: I needed to let the answers sink in before I gave my response…(very bottom).

UPDATE 3: The reader further explained her arrangement with her friend.

Taking care of yourself has become a priority over the years when researchers found that stress leads to many health complications which has birthed the whole “self-care” movement. We see ads, images, and events surrounding around taking care of You. What is self-care? - There is really no wrong or right answer. My definition of it is pretty simple, take the time to yourself, relax, cook, read a book, draw a hot bath, watch some television, etc.

My self-care is about letting go of any ill thoughts that tighten my mind. If something is upsetting me, I walk though it — why it upsets me, what my connection is to it, how important it is to me, and then let it go. Here’s one antidote for example: I was in a text conversation the other day and there was one topic that kept getting brought up (hint: when things keep coming to surface, there is still an issue. If you notice someone continuing to mention the same things, there is still an issue, pay attention to it). There was a point in the discourse where I could feel myself getting frustrated and wanted to be like, fuck this, they don’t value my opinion, I give up, but giving up on things is not a strong suit and I had to pause and think, What can I do to aide this problem? After I noticed that the conversation circled around one topic, I decided, OK, I’m going to fix this and it was a very simple solution, so I pulled the plug on it and it never has to be an issue for this person again. The person also mentioned a separate issue that I am absent minded on, so I cannot fix anything that I am not aware of and I can only do but so much when I’m not the only one involved. Part of peace of mind is to release what binds you. When you think of something and it brings you back to a negative space or your facial expressions, body language or demeanor immediately change, and you don’t find yourself laughing, then you haven’t gotten peace from it. — Think on it, sort it out, and lay it to rest.

When communicating with people, you have to pay attention to what You are paying attention to while also actively listening. — Give and receive, not give and take. I am a very analytical person, I look/listen for the intention of someone’s words, the tone, and the content - what are they trying to say to me and how I am understanding it and is how I am understanding it coming across in a way that it is understandable for them? The biggest problem with communication is that we want to express ourselves and get results for us, but we are not open to hearing what results someone else wants. I don’t want to be like that, so part of my self-care is making sure other parts of my life like my relationships with people is grounded, not superficial and deflective. I don’t always shut people out….and sometimes I make plans with the girls. — We are all so spread out in our lives now, careers, families, etc. that it’s becoming harder and harder to get together.

But it was something that one of you said a few weeks ago that struck a cord….

”On my self-care days, I get waxed, washed up, buy some new Vickie’s and call up a guy and have him come over to satisfy me. I do it once a month. I’m not married, not in a relationship, but I still need my needs met to help me release any pent up tension.” 😯

I never thought to think of self-care in that manner, but this person brings up a good topic…Is self-care also “V-Care”? So if we spend the whole day surrounded around taking care of the 😺 does that then take care of everything else? I think in a previous post we had a guy in the comments say something along the lines of when a woman is upset, she only needs 2 things: Food and 🍆. How true is this statement to any of you? I just can’t bring myself to call up a man and say, “Hey. My House. Tonight. 9pm. Bring pizza.” - I’m sure there is more conversation and finesse to this, but let me run through this…

Say if I am having a bad week or my week was so hectic that I barley had a chance to breathe, I take a few hours to freshen myself up and call in some 🍆??? Is there an app for that? 😂 — I guess there is some good health aspects to….ummm…getting your feminine needs met, but I’m trying to wrap my mind around the concept of using another person to do that. This isn’t like a simple massage where you get some muscles worked out and there’s relaxing music in the background with scented candles….THIS is a completely different massage where you get many muscles worked out 😮 ….and relaxing music in the background with scented candles. Are the men okay with this??? What agreements are there? If I’m inviting the guy over, do I provide the food? Do I let him stay over? Do we watch tv first? How does this all work? I’m so mind blown about this different form of self care. I never thought of sex as being self-care, but it makes sense. Am I late to the game??? Am I being selfish with myself???

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UPDATE #1: Thank you to those of you who answered my silly questions, I have no clue what to think of this. I am in shock and awe. 🤣

“Hey Raya! No you don’t have to do any of that stuff. He can just come over for one reason and leave. If you want to go all out, get yourself a nice hotel, it can be local and have a good night there.”

“YES you are late to the game! LOL. But you don’t seem to be that type anyway so you’re good. Some of us need that v-care to stay sane. It’s like getting your routine oil changed in the car. It doesn’t have to be every month. Only when you are really feeling out of it and the regular self care stuff isn’t working.”

“Girl yes! Get you someone to give you a special massage. It can just be a friend or someone you won’t run into a lot. Those spas can only do so much for us. Have a man you can do anything with and not think anything of it the next day except that he helped you relieve some stress.”

“I’m the one who said that. The guy I call is a friend. He is not in a relationship either and he calls me too when he needs something, so it is mutual. We started making a joke out of it and call it, ‘making an appointment’. We do hang out a little before and after because I like to cuddle and because we are friends we just chillout for a little. I don’t want to feel cheap and he understands that. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he brings food or he cooks. When he calls I go to his place. When I call he comes to mine. After we are done we don’t talk about it. We talk about everything else except ‘the appointment’. Both of us are in our forties and I’m not in the dating scene. I’m not sure if he is because we don’t talk about that either, but when I am over his house I don’t see any women’s stuff so Idk. I am an attorney and he is a doctor so we work around the clock. This deal works for us.”

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UPDATE #2: Ok, so how I am understanding this is the v-care is just as important to self-care as it is to mental health, yes? My conundrum is how would I even present this proposition to a man? If I were to consider this, it definitely would not be a stranger, but surely a friend I trust and who is also unattached. I also very much understand the “not feeling cheap” part, so my other confusion is, would it blur the lines if I called him for other things like for example, helping me put together a bookcase or move furniture? Because if he is my friend, would he not be willing to assist me in other aspects of my life or would I need to call someone else for that? Or if I’m just randomly out, it is good form to see if he wants come hang out with me? I’m not in the dating scene either so the special arrangement does have an allure to it, but I feel like it can be problematic. Women tend to be territorial by default, should there be a discussion on how we act towards each other when we are in public and around other people or friends? If we have a special arrangement then how special should we treat each other when in public? Am I overthinking this?

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UPDATE #3: From the reader with the arrangement:

"Raya, I did the same thing and asked myself all the same questions. I’m an analytical person too. I weighed out the pros and cons and the pros outweighed the cons. I was married before and my friend has never been married. I don’t have kids, he has 2 teenagers. We do hangout with our other friends. Everything is the same with our friendship except for when we have our “appointments”. I didn’t propose anything to him, we were just having fun one night when we were out with our friends and he took me home. We ended up having sex. The next day I called him and said that I can’t have this be something and we talked about it. We both came up with it together. We have been doing it for about 8 months so far. And we agreed that if it gets too much then we would stop because we don’t want to lose each other as friends. If you are going to do it, I highly suggest it’s someone you already know and who is kind of in the same boat as you. Another thing is you have to be honest with each other and there are things that you will need to talk about so none of you gets confused. I don’t recommend this for everyone, just people who work a lot or are busy a lot and still want something to make her feel like a woman.