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DISCLAIMER: Much of this is just for laughs, [Men] please don’t take offense.

I’ve said many times over that I set my boundaries with men. But it is extremely important to set even more boundaries with men that you may give in to. And I hate when they know you’re attracted to them because they like to test you. This was the recent topic in my girls chat, I was sitting at the bar and 4 of my friends and I were in a group chat texting back and forth about how men are just….UGH and EW. (I know it’s not good etiquette to have my face buried in a phone when I am out in public when I should be paying attention to what’s going on around me; I’ve been in my own little world lately.)

When men know you have a certain soft spot for them, they will try to touch your soft spots 😳. Men are the devil. Especially when they know everything in your life is going smoothly, skin is clear, hair is healthy, eating right, exercising, routine spa visits, then boom, here they come trying to touch your nipples and bend you over the couch 😒. Boy, first of all, I hate you, and secondly, get the hell away from me. (Sidebar: I’ve not been hanging out with anyone, for you readers who like to think I’m hiding someone in my basement 😆). This topic is just a funny satire of how men unexpectedly bust into your life and fck sht up...like the Kool-Aid Man…uh, could you at least send compensation for our pain and suffering???)

Men know if they can catch you at a vulnerable moment they can get you panty-less. That’s fckd up fellas. And it’s smooth how they do it. They casually drum up a conversation with you, ask you about your day, tell you about their day, and then they make you laugh…and that’s IT…the moment they see you laughing, that’s when they turn up the charm even more. — Don’t do it ladies, be strong, don’t laugh at anything he says, IT’S. A .TRAP or at least don’t ever see him in person. Don’t let him get near you, don’t even let him breathe around you. My friend says when a man makes you laugh your 😺 starts purring. WHAT?! 🤣 What if I’m just trying to be nice???

One time, I agreed to meet one of my guy friends for lunch, I always knew he was sweet on me, anytime we hung out with our friends, he’d always make sure I had a drink, didn’t let anyone mishandle me, and made sure I got home safely. He is very charming, but he has those playboy tendencies and he’s been through a few people I know, so I never opened that door of opportunity. While on the phone with him, I was going down the list of different types of food places: BBQ, Italian, Southern, and then I asked him, “Do you like Thai food or have you had it before?” — THIS M.EFFER HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY, “I’m trying to have you.” I wanted to laugh so badly, because that was kind of smooth and slick at the same time, but I held it in, casually ended the phone call, and never met him for lunch 😕. — No sir, not happening. You better find another Thai woman. Although, I do give him cool points for saying that to me. — Hey you miss all the shots you don’t take, right? I probably would have let him hear me laugh if he’d already seen me naked, but I take pride in not giving in to every man who wants to “🍆 me down”. Men are so inappropriate sometimes, but the sad ones are the men who just meet me and want to buy me things…like he assumes I’m that type of woman who gets excited over that. I don’t know how many times I was offered a shopping spree, an expensive bag, or a car. Boy, I don’t even know you 😐.

Just keep in mind, Men have cooties, no telling when the last time they washed their bedsheets and when the last time they replaced their pillows. Most of them don’t even notice your matching bra and panty set, they just tell you to take them off…Boys. Are. Stupid. 😒 I spent all this money on this lace, the least you can do is admire it before you snatch it off me 😠. — No matter how well put together they seem to be, how successful they are, if they own a home, drive a nice car…Everything in their heads is a mess.

My one girlfriend was on a 6 month self-cleansing journey one time, she had just gotten promoted, bought a house, everything was going great for her. Then one day, she runs into a man she used to crush on and a few drinks later, she was calling an Uber the next morning from his house. Then they starting dating for a few months, she didn’t do the same things she was doing before because she wanted to spend more time with him and after about the 3rd month he started to switch things up on her. (Let me be clear, all men and situations like this do not end the same. There are men who stay consistent and build with you, this guy just wasn’t one of them.) So after they ended things, my friend kind of was down on herself about it, questioning herself why she gave in and why she made so many adjustments in her life so soon for a man. (Again, nothing wrong with doing this, we take risks for love, but sometimes it doesn’t end happily.)

My other friend had just gotten over a bad breakup, she was focusing on herself, her business, and taking fun trips every other weekend. Someone from her past sent her a text message to meet up. They hung out a few times and yes, they began having sex but it wasn’t a formal relationship, nothing was confirmed about their status. She starting thinking this would develop into a serious relationship up until he kept giving her mixed signals, one week he would be all into her and the next week he wasn’t. She put up with this for a month and a half before she just decided to cut him out completely. (People coming back from your past isn’t always a bad omen, sometimes people need to leave and work on themselves, this man didn’t do that, He was on his fckboy bs.)

Stories like this make me never want to go outside or answer anyone’s calls because I’ll be damned if I’m out minding my own business and a man is smelling good, dressed nice, saying all the right things, responds to my text quick, sexes me good and makes my body tremble, brings me food, and then the next thing you know, he’s got a toothbrush at my place and I’m cooking him dinner…Boy, BYE. I don’t need that mess in my life right now. (*This is actually how relationships should be; stability and understanding are highly attractive attributes.) If you are not going to be obsessed with me, then don’t even look at me 😆….Smh, men are demons.