“We can either let the pain destroy us and the people we care about or pivot the pain to heal us and help others.”

We talk about pain and disappointment a few times here. It's part of life. When we put our hope and faith into someone, we're taking a big risk and we don't know if it’s worth it or not until it plays out. That’s part of the lessons we face. Trust is the most dangerous thing to give away. It's also the most valuable thing to keep sacred when it's given to you. I’ve put trust in people who didn’t deserve it but in the same accord they expected me to trust them even though they knew they were doing things to hurt me.

For instance, how do you trust someone who says they are not involved with anyone but then that person is seen out and about with an individual acting like they're a couple? One time there was a man who claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone and then not even a week later a girl was rubbing on his thighs, sitting on his lap and kissing on him…he wasn't correcting her either. If you're not a man of your word, you're actions will show it and make you look like a fool. Men with discipline don't carry themselves like that because they know how to steer the public eye from categorizing them as a reckless man. Read that again if you have to 🔁.

I’ve never deliberately tried to hurt someone, although I can react to being hurt in an irrational way, but I don’t consciously make it a point to cause someone pain. And the problem is most people who hurt others believe that when people react, it comes out of nowhere, and that's such a shame. I’m going to share something that I've never really shared out loud. With any of my previous lovers whether they notice or not and whether they appreciate it or not, or even whether they care or not, I still do this. If I know there’s a chance I may run into a previous lover, I don’t bring a man of interest around. This is just my discreet way of showing a small gesture of respect, no matter if I am on good or bad terms with any of them.

Even with my ex-husband, there's no possibility of us ever reconciling, but I’m not going to bring anyone anywhere that I may run into him. I’m a single woman through and through, that's a choice I continue to make, and if I so choose to entertain someone romantically, I'm not going to entertain him in the same space that a previous lover may be or show up at. And this is just me, many of you may not agree with this and say if it’s the past than I shouldn't worry about what they think, I agree to a certain extent, but and hear me out, if there are still times or situations where I come face to face with my past, I rather just face it on my own than to pull someone else into it, because they don't know all the history and I’m not one to share too much history with someone who wasn't there to witness it or be a part of it - are you starting to understand my way of thinking with this? I not too keen on talking about past relationships in detail with your new one. I may mention a few things here and there to explain why things didn't work, but for the most part my past with anyone is sacred. And some of you may not agree with this either, but no matter how or why things ended with someone, we still shared something personal and private. I can’t speak for any of my previous lovers, but I still respect our privacy to a degree because we shared those intimate times together and I don't take that lightly.

The ONLY exception is if I’m getting serious with a man and it's leading to a marriage, yes, I’ll be more open with my husband, but frankly, if a man really knows me and accepts me, he won’t care to know all about my previous relationships because he’ll be confident that I’m only focused on building something with him - but we all know my thoughts on marriage ☺️ - So 99% of the time any previous lover can be certain that what we’ve shared together just stays with us and if I run into one of them, there's no reason for him not to speak or approach me unless he has an issue with me and if he doesn't want to share it, than that’s on him to hold on to.

No previous lover can ever say that I never cared or paid attention when I most likely care more and paid more attention than they did and I'm still cognizant of them in a few ways whether they know it or not. I may have not cared for what they did, the decisions they made, or the type of people they entertain, but that didn't mean I had no care for them. I care about how you make yourself look. Know the difference because if you're doing things that’s poor character or decorum, that bothers me because I don't want people seeing someone I love in a bad light.

Some of you may be saying, “Raya that's doing to much” and we'll agree to disagree because if I’m laying with you that means I think highly of you and remember what I said in the last topic? Who we chose to be with can be a reflection of us. Even if the relationship lasts a few months, in that short period of time we still represent each other no matter if anyone knows we’re fooling around or not. I want to be confident of the type of man I’m laying with just like he should be confident of the type of woman I am. If I welcomed you into my personal space, I cared a lot for you.

I still carry some secrets I have with my previous lovers. While some of them have taken advantage of me not speaking about us and used it to create their own stories, and I remained quiet while they slandered me to other people….what type of shit is that? And who's the better person here? Why would you give people ammunition to dislike me just because you're upset? What kind of person does that make you? How does hurting me help you? 🤔

Sometimes being grown is a state of mind and other times it's learning and adapting to life experiences. You can be 55 and still not know how to conduct yourself or know how to handle your environment. I said this in a previous topic, grown women with standards and who’ve been able to come up on their own, we’re not out here to play pitypat with you. And you're going to feel it when you fck up with us. So you either do better or you stay where you're at. Your choice. But don't continue to hurt people because you think you don't have to make any changes or you feel you didn't do anything wrong.

We all are going to face challenges over and over again and some of those challenges will try to break us, but that's when you have to decide whether you're going to allow that to happen or find a way to pull through it. I can work through pain. And if I can put down the pain you put on me and still show you kindness, it doesn't mean the pain is gone, I just pushed it aside and chose not to let it affect me as much for the sake of being a better person.

If you were someone who's ever said you cared about me, but never asked how I’m doing, checked on me, asked about my family, defended me, spoke up for me, or you've allowed other people to offend me then the distance between your head and your asshole isn't that far. And no matter whatever else you decide to do, you'll still have to face the fact that you treat a great person so poorly and eventually that will affect other decisions you make because you either are trying to overcompensate what you've done or you're trying not to acknowledge what you've done. I can be entirely pissed off at someone and in tears from the pain they caused, but I'd still want to know if they are ok. And that's why I get hurt, because most people don't understand empathy.

And if you're someone who deflects accountability by trying to point the finger at someone else rather than owning up to your decisions and actions then you indeed have internal issue that you need to work on. The worst kind of victim is the one that creates another. Also, when you hurt someone for someone else...that pain you caused will come back to you and you’ll inadvertently keep hurting people and it just becomes your cycle. And you have to choose to break that cycle.

Be safe everyone.