“If you have to walk away, then do it with grace.”

I met someone the other evening when I was out. Don’t get too excited, he’s not a potential. We just had a nice conversation about life. He divulged to me that he was married, although he and his wife were separate all last year, but they decided to try to work things out. He revealed that he does not feel the same way about his wife anymore and is leaning towards divorce. I then proceeded to ask him: “Do you feel you’ve done everything you could to salvage your marriage? If the answer is No then you need to make an effort to do those things.” He thought about it and said, you’re right, I need to try harder. I don’t know if I’ll ever run into this man again, but I hope things do work out for the best for his marriage, no matter which way it goes.

I’d asked that same question to anyone else who is married and thinking of heading to divorce : “Did you do everything you could to make your marriage work?” We talk about a lot of things here, but I am a firm believer that when you get married, you made a promise, a commitment to be there for one another, so you need to do your best to be there for your spouse. Even if you have an open marriage or some sort of understanding in that nature, you still need to consider your spouse first, everyone else is just background noise.

I’m not saying that people should never get divorced, I am an example of divorce. I am saying that if there is still love there, love isn’t enough to make something work, it’s just a feeling, it’s just a chemical reaction. So whatever love you do still have, it needs to be enough to motivate you to make the effort to resolve issues in your marriage. You guys following me? Sometimes people take that “do what’s best for you” mantra in a selfish and unhealthy way. All these self-love and self-preservation affirmations are sometimes used to make you feel better about your decisions, and it’s not always a good practice of thinking especially when you make bad decisions. For instance, not caring what others think is not always the best way to behave. You should care about things and people, and you should do your best not to hurt people, especially if you are married. But, let’s step back a little bit, here are some signs of a dying relationship.

• You spend less and less time together

• Your conversations or very short and dry

• Your conversations always lead to a disagreement

• You or partner seem to be very secretive lately

• You or your partner are not as affectionate as you used to be

• When major things in your life happen, you don’t talk about it with your partner

• You don’t say or hear “I love you” anymore

• You or your partner are emotionally distant

I know this does not cover all the signs, but I believe any issue can be repaired if you make the effort to do so. If anyone here is married or is in a long-term relationship, and you’re 8-9 toes out of it, stop and think about the relationship, what you both want and come up with a solution that’s healthy for both of you. I have a friend who has been married maybe 4 or 5 years now and he recently got himself a girlfriend. I asked him if he saw that as sign that there are issues in his marriage. He said "No” and told me that he loves his wife and is not thinking about divorce, but sometimes he just needs a mental break from his marital life. He said the girlfriend knows about the marriage and where he stands with it and they just spend time around each other’s schedules.

He also shared that his parents did something similar where both of them had other companions outside of their marriage and what he learned from that was the value of discretion which is the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information. This is not the same as being distant or lying to someone. There’s an art to having discretion, some people know how to do it, others don’t. It’s more of a character trait that you cannot easily learn and people who practice discretion and are good at it are mostly likely to be the most trustworthy people you’ll know.

Should we count friendships into this? It is a type of relationship we have. The signs may be different but, whether we realize it or not, there is a type of dependency we have on our friendships. Sometimes we may look to our friends for guidance, comfort, or even just a break away from something. Having a boys night or a girls night is an outlet many of us use to help us alleviate or not think about the stresses in our lives. Our friendships can be just as important as the other relationships we have. So then what is the breaking point for a friendship. I have only consciously ended 1 friendship and it was based on a difference of values, and the friendship being one sided. It hurt me to end the friendship because I did consider her a good friend, but she shown me a mindset that I just could not agree with and it had a lot to do with her childhood insecurities that become her adulthood insecurities. I just got tired of coddling her insecurities and trying to help her feel better about herself and her choices. It’s one thing to so something that makes you happy, but it’s another thing to do something based on your insecurity or self-esteem issues. It was draining me and I had to walk away. That’s the only friendship I ever broke up from. It’s weird to say it like that, but that’s the reality of it.

And I am probably not the best person to be friends with if you do have self-esteem issues because Baby, my confidence will shine no matter what. And I’m not trying to sound full of myself. I may not get all the attention, but I do get noticed and I just don’t like being around people who use self-pity as a coping mechanism. I also don’t like people who bad mouth women because they feel inadequate around them. See, my self-esteem is built different. Don’t be mad at a woman for being pretty, be mad at yourself for being mad in the first place, because what’s really the problem? And if you’re worried about a man being interested in that another woman, that’s not the other woman’s issue, that’s an issue you need to take up with that man. I’m just saying, don’t misdirect your personal issues towards other people. That’s an insecurity trait.

We ultimately have to decide what is good for us, but when we are involved with other people, we should take a moment to consider them as well and figure out the type of relationship we want to have in comparison to the type of relationship it is right now. Aye, no one said it was easy being an adult, but here were are. We are the big people now. Let’s just do our best.

Be safe everyone.

PSA: A confident woman has the power to make you feel insecure. A mature woman has the humility to let her presence be known without doing or saying much. A bothered woman will be upset either way.