“Be ashamed if you think you’ve not done anything shameful.”

I gave you an intro in the previous topic about a young lady who starting seeing a guy, but her friends don’t like him because of his shameful things that he’s done or said. And I told her, “Look, if you like the guy and you are having fun, just keep hanging out with him.” Here’s the thing, we are going to go through different types of relationships. We are going to learn a lot from them even the ones that weren’t the best for us. We can’t grow if we don’t continue to navigate new things. And you are going to do shameful things and make shameful decisions that you are going to defend in that moment, but when you move on from that moment, you are going to have this new perception of yourself.

I am not ashamed to admit my shortcomings and I will be the first to say what I need to work on. Hindsight is 20/20, and trust me I’m not saying that the men I’ve previously dealt with have been perfect, but only they can to want to work on their flaws, I can mention it, but they have to want to work on it. And I think I’ve told you that the next man I get involved with in any capacity whether it’s a serious lover or a cuddle buddy, I am going to tell him what my flaws are. I’m going to tell him, “Hey, sometimes I’m not great at expressing myself or letting you know I miss you or that I want your company. And sometimes I may say something that might come off rude, but if you want this with me,then be patient and help me with it.” I want someone who isn’t going to throw in the towel when things get a little uncomfortable. Let’s created a fabric that keeps us willing to develop better ways of communicating with one another. Right now these kinds of relationships have to be of value to me and have to me meaningful to me even if it’s just temporary fun.

And I am going to address this because many of you keep making these suggestions. Say if a previous lover came back into my life, of course there may have been some things that were both hurt by, but I am at that mindset to just let that go and not revert back to the same things that did not work. Let’s not cause each other triggers or any new long-term pain. Let’s start fresh. And I’m not going to lie to you, I am well aware that a lot of men find me attractive. But if I am with someone whether he’s a lover, cuddle buddy or whatever, I’m not going to lean into the compliments other men give me. Even if the man I am sleeping with is sitting next to me and no one knows about is, because again, I don’t like to display my intimate relationships to people. If you know you know, but I’m not going to purposefully showcase it. But what you may see is me engaging more with the man sitting next to me than any other man and giving him special treatment. And people may see that as us being good friends or they may see it as us possibly together in some capacity. Either way, the one that I am sleeping with, I want him to know I want him, not these other men who are trying to take me out, no, I want the man who you may or may not know is my man. And I’m using the “My Man” term loosely, because you know that’s not a term that’s in my normal vernacular. Also, in return, I want to feel wanted too. Give me more attention when were are hanging out somewhere and give me special treatment. Let me know when you miss me and want to see me. Even if we are not going home together at the end of the night, make me feel that I’m the one who’s on your mind.

But let’s lets get back to the shameful things. We have to be aware when we are doing something shameful or making shameful decisions. Especially when we are in mentally inappropriate relationships. Here’s another tidbit from my PhD friend’s research; a five year olds mind isn’t the same as a fifteen year old’s mind. The same goes for a twenty-five year old’s mind isn’t the same as forty-five year old’s mind. You may like some of the same things, but the way our minds process information at different stages in life are not the same. Even if that twenty-five year old is making a half million dollars a year, what that person’s mind is capable of doing isn’t the same as what a forty-five year old mind is capable of doing. Don’t let lust cloud that judgment to where you are defending an age inappropriate relationship because you both like the same reality shows. - I’m being facetious with that example, but you get it. And my friend says a man who doesn’t get it has a complexity issue with his own age and identity and he will keep rationalizing his choices no matter how it makes him look. Sidebar: the President elect has that same issue on many levels.

The other day I was having a conversation with a mature group of people and the topic was about men and women and their preferences and roles in relationships. One of the highlights that came from the conversation was a woman being feminine and letting a man be a man. I am not sure if I share all of this or just pieces because I more listened than speak because I like hearing other views, but I said that I believe when women become very independent, we tend to emasculate men without even realizing it because we are so used to doing everything ourselves, we are not open to allowing a man do something for us. I will admit, I am guilty of this. Independent women have created their own securities, sometimes so much that when a man wants to share some of his securities with her, she doesn’t welcome it. And the result of that is the man not feeling wanted or needed so he doesn’t feel valued. There was an example the group used about changing tires and cooking. Even if a man cannot change a tire, he should be able delegate that task to someone who does. Same with a woman, if she doesn’t know how to cook, she can order take out. The end result is, the tired is changed and there is a hot meal on the table. But men and when have to share their securities with each other to get to that result and part of that is talking about where they fall short and where they can step in and come up with solutions to make our lives easier. This is also an area I need to work on. Even with my previous lover, we didn’t have the type of relationship where we did those things. But did we need to have that type of relationship? I don’t know because our dynamic was a little unconventional and it was more about spending time and having fun together as opposed to doing things for each other, but I’m not going to get into that and I’m not going to say which lover it was, but I’ve only ever mentioned three so go ahead with your process of elimination.

And when I talk about “weight class” I am not talking about your salary. I am talking about where your mind is at in life. The value of money came up as well in a conversation. The discussion was about how it doesn’t matter what you are earning, it matters how you are making your partner feel and how you are treating your partner. My weight class is someone who can understand or empathize what I go through as a parent, as someone who has responsibility to my family, as a career oriented person, and as someone who doesn’t just do the bare minimum. I’m older, so there are things I picked up along the way that a twenty-one year person cannot fully comprehend. I need the comprehension to be aligned. Money has nothing to do with it and money cannot buy comprehension. But there was something that the only other woman in the group beside myself said in the group conversation that I fully agree with. Some point of the conversation the example of cutting grass was used and the woman said she doesn’t mind if her partner cuts grass for a living, but she’s going to want to know if he’s content with doing that or if he wants to do something more with it? Do you want to keep working for someone else? Do you want to have your own lawncare business? Or is this temporary until something else comes along? And I don’t think I applauded her for saying it and I loved that she said it, because that is a very mature mindset and that let me know that she is an elevated women who wants to build something with a man. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the bottom, but is that where you want to stay? If I’m at level three and you are a level one, I don’t mind if you are working to get to level three, but I will mind if you want to stay at level one. It’s a different mentality.

Fellas, what about you, are you okay with a women staying at level one? Like you’ve been dating her for several years and she’s still at the same place in life as when you met her. Are you good with that? I think this question was phrased to the group slightly differently and someone said he didn’t mind if his woman was unemployed as long as she was taking care of the household and his needs. And if that’s okay with him and his woman, that’s their relationship. But let’s not forget there’s different types of men and women. I am a woman who likes to have more purpose that just my man, some men don’t like that, that’s fine, no hurt, no shame, that’s not the man for me.

And I think someone mentioned standards. There’s a standard to everything. Like why are you driving a luxury car instead of a economy car? Because you have a standard, right? And it’s okay to have standards, don’t shame people for them because a lot of times we developed our standards due to previous experiences. Like maybe you prefer navigation and leather seats and tvs in your car, so that is your standard when car buying. And to go back to the money topic, I don’t care how much money you make, but don’t shame me for doing well and spending my money how I want to spend it. Don’t make me feel bad for maintaining myself especially when I am not asking anyone to do it for me. When men criticize women like that, it shows their own insecurity. I don’t like sharing how much I earn or what I have, even when people ask me what I do for a living, I just say HR and I really don’t go into details about it because it is a vast field and people have different ideas of what HR does, so I just let them think what they think. At the very least, you know I’m a professional with years of experience. You don’t need to know what my checks look like. Just like I don’t need to know what your checks looks like. The only thing I need to know is if you want me as much as I want you and if we are open to understanding each other and if we can communicate through our flaws and help each other be better.

You probably thought this topic was going to be about the shameful things men do to piss women off, and yes, men are good at doing that, but what’s love without some challenges, and what’s love if it doesn’t teach us a few things? The shameful thing is not taking the risk. The shameful thing is avoiding our flaws. The shameful thing is not being open to other point of views. The shameful thing is not being clear about what we want and misrepresenting ourselves. The shameful thing is not learning how to love people and ourselves better. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.