“I Don’t Need Someone Perfect. I Just Want Someone Who Tries.”

You know what I noticed? And I’ve realized that I am doing it more and more now. I talk to my guy friends like they are my boyfriends or lovers. I call them baby, sweetheart. Sometimes I tell them I love them. I compliment them, I give them praises, I hug on them, and always show my excitement and happiness when I see them. Is this odd? If there was someone just watching or listening to how I interact with my fellas, they would think I am in a relationship and fully in love with my guy friends. Though the reality is, I do love them. I admire them, and I am so taken by them.

This past weekend my laptop crashed and I panicked. I called up one of my fellas and sent him a picture of my laptop and asked him what to do. He reassured me that everything was okay and to just wait for it to reboot. When my laptop finally restored itself, I frantically looked through my files to make sure all my research work was still there and I came across an old folder with pictures of times I’ve shared with my guys. Tell my why I instantly started getting emotional! - Here’s the thing with me, I don’t take myself too seriously that I hide my love or grace for people.

After looking through those photos, I reached out to a few of the fellas and just poured so much love on to them. And they poured it right back to me which made me get even more emotional! They are my babies, even though they are fully grown men and all of them older than me, they’re mine. Once those friendships were made and the connections strengthened over the years, yeah, they are mine. I will support and defend them always.

But the thing that I wonder is, have my friendships with them damaged my potential relationship with possible lovers? Because I am not one to bring someone new into my life and then push my friends to the side or treat them differently. And some people do that without even realizing they do it. I am a fully self-sufficient adult, things have already been built or they are already in motion, plus I’m not a foolish man whose trying to relive his glory days, so there is no one that I will let come into my life and affect the relationships I’ve already have with people. Maybe some of you allow that to happen, but I don’t. And if I feel someone is trying to deter me from my friendships, then they’re ties with me are not going to be very strong and I definitely won’t have them around my friends.

So yeah, I guess it is affecting any possible romantic interests, but I’m not sad or bothered by it. You already know, I’m a very confident woman and never had major issues with my self-esteem, so I have no issues with being single. As a matter of fact one of me crazy-ass guy friends suggest I just get a cuddle buddy. Where I call him when I need attention and he calls me when he needs attention and we just come together for that moment, then go about our day. In theory this sounds good, but in practice is it realistic? And my friend told me no one needs to know about it and that me and whoever can look like simple friends in public, but in private we give each other what we both need. - Also, I didn’t say this to my friend, but I felt like he was alluding to someone in particular, but I didn’t take the bait, because again, is this realistic? I’m going to be honest, if I’m sleeping with someone in private, I don’t want to see him out in public and there’s a woman all over him. I don’t want to sleep with a hoe or a man who doesn’t show discipline. Like if I’m not hanging on you and I’m the one sleeping with you, no other woman should either. - Am I wrong for this?

But, I have to refer back to how I am with my guy friends and how I am very affectionate towards them, of course I’m not kissing on them or lusting on them (like there’s one who looks like my previous lover and I’m affection towards him, but I’m not in his face), yet sometimes it can look like I’m fooling with my guy friends because of the endearment I show them and the endearment they show me. You know what, I think now when people ask me why I’m single, I’m not going to give them the whole speech of how I’ve been able to doing things on my own, I’m just going to tell them, “It’s because I won’t let go of my fellas.” And I know that will bother a lot of men, but hey I’m honest about it, right? I’m letting you know where I draw the line. And if drawing that line is an issue for someone, then let it be an issue for them, because I’m not damaging my friendships for anyone. Most of you already know, I am not a traditional relationship woman. If it’s not feasible or practical, than I’m not going to be interested very long, no matter how good of a man you may seem to be - because baby, we all have our flaws, I’m just telling you mine from the beginning. There several things that take precedence before a romantic relationship and here’s the list:

1. Family

2. Self

3. Career/Business/School

4. Valued Friendships

5. Lovers (hey, at least a man is in the top 5)

But this is my list and my reality, it is damaged? Have I allowed to be damaged? My answer to both of those is No. This is just what works for me. This is how I’ve been able to do what I’ve been able to do. Yes, relationships are important, but I’m going to put the relationship I have with my family, myself, my money, and my friendships first. So maybe I should take my friend’s advice and just have someone to cuddle with when I need it, but yet how is that so different from having a lover? Because either way, he’ll need to accept the he’s not on top of my list. Well… he could count as #2 since that can be a form of selfcare. What do you all think about this?

Be safe everyone.