“Stay Open To A Good Possibility”

One of you sent me the following question or dare I say dilemma. She signed of as “JK”.

Hi Raya,

I recently ran in to an ex-boyfriend. He moved back into town and I ran into him while I was out with my friends. He came up to me and asked how I was doing then asked if we can have lunch sometime. I agreed. During lunch we caught up on what has been going on with each other and it seems like we may rekindle something or it seems like he’s interested in being with me again. My hesitation is that our relationship in the past wasn’t the best. We did not agree on a lot of things and I had suspicions of him cheating on me and he had issues will opening up to me. So there was a big communication barrier between us. The last time we spoke we said really horrible things to each other. So I am reluctant to go through that again. Any advice for me? What would you do?

Dear “JK” and anyone else who may be facing something similar… think of it this way: 5 years ago was 5 years ago. That was then, this is now. Both you and him were probably in different expressions of life at the time. It’s understandable that you may be hesitant because past experiences keep us guarded and there can be triggers of bad memories, but don’t let that stop you from possibly having a good experience with someone from your past. Go into it with a fresh pair of eyes, but I do suggest that you two talk about the issues you faced previously with each other and build a new foundation of communication so that if the concerns show up this time, you two have a better idea of how to handle them. If I were in this situation, this is how I would navigate through it.

With any of my previous lovers, of course there were issues, of course we argued about different things, of course we didn’t say the nicest things to each other when we were upset… but what about now. How to we become better people if we do not take a step forward for a better sense of understanding for those who have been in our lives? I do not know if I would rekindle a romantic relationship with any of my previous lovers, but having a cordial sit down with any of them is feasible. We have to be open to the idea that people do change and there are time that people do show us ugly versions of them sometimes, but should we hold that against them until we die? Well, there are exceptions, such as if that person is abusive or dangerous, but outside of that, we should be able to have open conversations with people from our past. The athlete came into my life twice, each time was different, but both times our lives does didn’t align, I had a different vision on how I wanted to live and he did too. Even though we had love for each other, we knew that we could not coexist as a couple. And “JK” this may be something that happens with you and your ex, but you won’t know unless you open yourself up to the experience.

Life is funny like that, sometimes people come and go, sometimes people come and stay, and sometimes we have to decide who stays and who goes. I don’t know if any of my previous lovers think about me. I mean, what would they even think about if I crossed their minds? I also have not clue if I’d rekindle anything with them because that has not been presented to me, but again what did I say? “Life is funny.” - We really don’t know what we will actually do until we are faced with the decision. Everything isn’t always going to be comfortable and we don’t always know how to prepare ourselves when things are uncomfortable.

“JK”, I think your ex asking to have lunch was a great start. I also think you agreeing to meeting him was good on your part too. And it seems like what you discussed opened several possibilities for the two of you… even if it doesn’t lead to a romance. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. And if anyone else is going through something similar, I would say all the same to you. You don’t know what you are going to do until you are presented with it. Keep an open mind that things can be better, and if it get worse, you have to make a decision. But either way, open yourself up to a possibility of an experience that can be different.

Be safe everyone.