“You can either be right or you can get what you want, but you can’t have both.”

I was hoping we would not have this topic so early into the year, but here we are. One of you sent me a message saying how you found someone and love everything about him. You discussed all the things you do together and what you talk about and then at the end of the message you say he’s married with kids. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised anymore, but somehow I still am when I learn of things like this. And the part that really caught me off guard was how you spoke about how much you admire the wife. She’s has her own business and positive influence to the community, I don’t think you mentioned if you know the wife personally or if you were friends with her, but for her sake and for your sake, I hope not. But this also makes me wonder why some men have affairs with women who are not of the same makeup as their wives. I guess maybe this eliminates them from running into each other or being in the same social circles, or I think the reality of it is a woman of a lesser stature shows more desire to men, like she wants the life or the experience she doesn’t yet have or will ever have. And from what I have experienced, men like to be desired. I’m not mad at that, we all like to know someone is interested in us.

And men are visual beings, they like seeing what is appealing to them and if a man has a woman who is constantly showing her interest towards him, it peaks his interests too. If he has a wife who works a lot or he is with a woman who has many obligations, she probably isn’t as accessible as a woman who isn’t at the same levels. But to be fair, there are men who are in relationships with highly established women and have no interest in allowing someone to take her place, he just maybe dabbles here and there without affecting the relationship he cares most about. And I can applaud that type of man; he already has something great, but every now and then, he just lets his other instincts play out. Honestly, that’s not something I’d be overly upset about, as traditional as my views and morals can be.

I’m adaptable, if it’s not affecting my health or making me second guess his feelings for me, or negatively changing the status of our relationship, then I’m not going to add unnecessary stress to my thoughts. Just don’t do anything foolish in front of me, like don’t do something to make me wonder if the woman who keeps smiling at you is going home with you or not. If I’m in the same space as you regardless if it was planned or not and we are sleeping with each other or at the very least have shown interest for each other, then respect my presence and don’t show me something that will make me think little of you; and that’s usually where men fail when it comes to being involved with me.

If you are new here, I’ve not been in a lot of relationships or had many partners. When I was in my 20s I was married and having kids, so I wasn't really exposed or aware of the types of things going on in other relationships, I was mainly focused on my own household, but I’m not naive to what happens in relationships, I’ve just not had a lot of experiences in that subject matter. And I never had that “Hoe Phase” that maybe could have shown me how different situations can be.

Sidebar, I asked someone if I should have a Hoe Phase and he told me that if it’s not in your character than you’re not going to be comfortable with acting like that. He also said that too many people glorify it and take it too far and make it part of who they are, not realizing it can be damaging to your views of people or even your relationships. He says if you're going to have a Hoe Phase, then keep it at that and there's a certain level of maturity and understanding one needs to have so that phase doesn't break your spirits about love, whether it’s loving other people or loving yourself. So in conclusion to this sidebar, it's safe to say, I will NOT be entertaining any kind of Hoe Phase. And trust me, I’m not mad about it, and I don’t feel I’ll be missing anything substantial either. I think I’ve just always been particular about who I’m intimate with. I know there are so many people my age and younger who have surpassed my body count or have more sexual experience than I do, and I’m okay with that.

But let’s get back to this dating while married thing. Is everyone doing this? Is this the common trend now? Is marriage not the same anymore or has this always been happening? I will say this, there have been stories that one of my older relatives had affairs outside of the marriage, but still maintain the original home and family without any major issues. So it’s not that I am not accepting this concept , and I am far beyond passing judgments. I’ve witnessed matters like this over and over again, and I’ve always said, Women know who they marry.

I think an ideal situation for a single woman if she was choosing to date a married man, is if the man himself is separated or not living with the wife and is only still in the marriage for tangible reasons. I think that could be a workable situation, even though morally questionable. And in this type of situation, I also think the wife should know of the woman, maybe not meet her, but at least know of her, just to have some type of distant understanding of everyone. Although, if a woman is just having fun and not wanting a significant relationship, then I suppose the status of a man’s marriage would not matter at all.

I think where there is love there is also chaos, I guess you just have to be aware of the chao you cause directly or indirectly and be good at managing the chaos. I’ve already made it clear that I have no plans to be married again, but that doesn’t mean I cannot love people or have deep feelings for them. It just means that whoever I do decide to love will have to know what my limitations and boundaries are with consideration of his limitations and boundaries too.

Be safe everyone.