“I rather you be the best version of you so I can show you the best version of me.”

One of you ladies sent me a message expressing your discernment about a man you're interested in. The woman states that she gets frustrated when the man seems to rather want to hang out with his friends over spending time with her. And makes a claim of him being gay because he wants to be around men over being around a woman.

This is an interesting topic. But let’s start be recognizing that the gay community is more accepted and prominent these days. Let’s also be mindful not to make assumptions when something does not seem clear to us. I do not know if the man in reference is gay or not, the reader mainly said he spends time with his guy friends more than he spends time with her. In my experience with men, I don’t think a man planning to be around his friends a lot is a red flag for gay behavior. I think as individuals we create camaraderie with people who align more with who we are or who we aspire to be. Are women not the same way? You constantly see women in groups of 2 or more. I think it is great for men to have a strong group of friends he feels comfortable around. Isn’t that the main idea of fraternities and sororities? They are organizations that follow certain standards, values, and beliefs. So if a man has that with his friends, what’s the problem?

I have several guy friends who hang out together and I always mention how I love their support for each other and how I admire them keeping in touch and getting together as often as they can. So to the reader, I am not sure of all the details of your relationship with the man, but have you considered the following:

• He is not exclusive with you to want to spend more time with you

  • This may not necessarily mean that he is seeing other women, but maybe he is still figuring things out within himself to decide if you are someone he wants to spend more time with.

• The things you two do when you are together isn’t something he wants to do routinely

  • Think about what you do when you’re together. For women quality time holds different weight than it does for men. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to them, they just don’t need it as much especially if the relationship is already confirmed. *Men who are career or business oriented are like this.

• He just wants to be around his boys and talk about things he can’t speak of around you

  • Sometimes boys just need to be boys. If he has a good group of friends, he may need to see them often to stay grounded or to keep him on the track of being the best version of him.

Although, as always, you should rely on your intuition. If you feel something isn’t right, then there’s probably something happening that’s not in your favor. You can always give people the benefit of the doubt, but you have to identify what type of communication and relationship you want to have with someone. And you may have to accept some hard truths if someone turns out to be a person you won’t be with long term. I’ve learned to accept people as they are with what they show me and place them in my life according to what I know. Everyone I interact with holds some value to me, no matter how often or less I speak with them.

Everyone I have come across has imprinted onto me and has contributed to my growth in some way. I am around more men than I am around women and I pay attention to people, what they talk about, how they carry themselves, how they behave, and if they act differently around certain people. I don’t initially think there is anything “gay” about a man spending a lot of time with his boys if that’s the only concern. I think it’s needed, just like women sometimes need to be around or confide with other women. And trust me sometimes when all the boys are together, we don’t need to be among those conversations. Sometimes a man may say something around his friends or people who have known him longer than you, it can make your mind wonder about his character or make you have more questions. I say, just let him have his time with his friends, but also let him know that you would like to spend more time with him and see if he makes any adjustments for you, then go from there.

Be safe everyone.