“What is the connection between two people in the same room, but they are are not looking at or speaking to speak to each other? - Do they feel each other’s presence? Does it elicit an emotion?”

“If you cannot appreciate my love, you will feel my absence.”

I’ve been going back and forth about this and I still have not decided if I wanted to do it. Over the years many of you have inquired if I will ever publish a book or at the very least an eBook were it’s just available electronically. If I were to do something like this, it would be about the topics you all are most interested in….my love life. For some reason, any time I mention a relationship, I get so much more feedback than any other topic. Every now and then I vaguely mention my family, and I surely have mention my friends more than plenty, but when I mention my EX, The Athlete, or “Poppa”, you guys are INVESTED! Even when I tell you about any men I casually meet, you don’t give me as much hype as when I mention the other three. - What are you folks trying to tell me???

At this moment, I do not speak with any of them. There is only one that I’m not sure if our communication will improve because we cross paths often. I did mention a bit ago that I need time after all the revelations came out about him. I remember a few years ago that I held back from telling him about things that he was doing didn’t highlight himself in the best way or wasn’t the best choice for him because I felt it was best for him to just go through his decisions so he can see it first hand. And I had a similar conversation with a mutual friend of ours and we weren’t speaking directly about him, it was more a general statement. My friend said that you have to let people go through their shit to realize it’s shit. They may not see it right now, but when they get their mind right they will. I thought that was a great perspective to have. I think with this man, he didn’t intend to hurt me or for things to turn out the way it has (I don’t think the other men did either), but maybe this one felt cornered and felt he had to prove something to someone so he acted poorly towards me, which is unfortunate because when we first started to know each other, we wanted to protect the value of our friendship…but I guess with all the time of things being unspoken and not revealed, it loosened the strings of our relationship. Although, I don’t know his thoughts on this, he may have a completely different perspective of things, so I cannot speak for him. Maybe he did want to hurt me. Maybe that was an intention of his. Maybe he wants to push me out completely. There’s a part of me that's completely disgusted with how he’s been showing himself and then there's another part of me that thinks, “This isn't him. This isn't the man I know, just give him grace and he’ll get back to himself again.” But then I think, does he deserve that? Does he deserve my patience? With the things he’s said to me and about me, should I give him grace? Or let it all go to hell along with all the hurtful things he’s done to me. The now softer version of me says to give as much grace and patience as my happiness allows. The last great memory I have with him is when we sat next to each other and reflected on one of our friends who had just recently faced a tragedy in his family. We mourned and laughed in solidarity of our friend. We spoke good things to each other that week. That’s was one of our sweetest moments together. There was no angst or dredging up any issues between us, we were on the same groove. It was sweet.

If I were to go through with writing my story, I’d imagine it to be a short three series collection, but you wouldn’t have to read them in order. You can reach each part in any order because they are each their own independent narratives. Also, since I’d be referencing real experiences, I would change the name of the characters. Maybe each story could be about 15-30 pages?

Although, I am aware that if certain people find out or read my stories, I may get some flack from them, which is a big reason why I have not yet decided which events I will and will not share. I think one person would support it because he’s matured and has identified that he could have done things differently with me and I feel the same with him, but that’s the best part of reflecting, you look back and identify what you’ve done and how you could do better.

It wouldn’t be one of those stories where I eventually reveal the identities of people like what Karrin Steffans did. Are you familiar with her? She was a video girl in the early 2000s who had relations with multiple celebrities and she wrote books about her experiences in the industry and she also talked about a man who she called “Poppa” (no it’s not the same man who I referred to as the same name) and they allegedly had an ongoing relationship for many years, but then in one of her later books she exposes who he is. I’m not going to do that.

With all that said, I ended up writing a few drafts of how my book would start off. This is still being workshopped, so the narrative may change from the time I started this to the time I decide whether or not to do it.

Right now, I have the title of the series: Loving You For Too Long

Series description:

Embark on an emotional journey with Vanessa Gabriel as she navigates the complex landscape of love and relationships. In this compelling series, Vanessa confronts heartbreak and disappointment, reflecting deeply on her experiences to emerge with a pragmatic outlook on life and love. Through a series of ongoing relationships that span for many years, Vanessa learns profound lessons about intuition, resentment, healing, and self-preservation. Join her as she transforms pain into wisdom and discovers the strength within herself. This series is a captivating exploration of love's challenges and the resilience of the human spirit.

Story One: Loving You For Too Long: The Game of Hearts

Intro:

“You were in here the other day, right?” The man from behind the counter asked Vanessa. She stopped at the gas station for a drink and a snack before starting her day. The man was tall, looked to be in good shape, carmel skin, with defined short dark curls, but what she noticed about him was his alluring smile. 

“Yeah, I was.” 

“You’re very pretty.”

Vanessa blushed at the compliment and looked down shyly, not letting him see her smiling. As she was paying for her items, the man handed her a napkin with his name and phone number written on it. 

“My name is Desmond, call me sometime.” 

Vanessa was young. She’s had men approach her, but there was something about Desmond that she wanted to know more about. The town was small and she had never seen him before, but she was impressed that he offered his number without requesting her’s in return. It was as if he was confident that Vanessa was going to call him. 

She kept the napkin in her car for a few days. Desmond’s smile flashed in her head often. She avoided making her routine stops at the gas station in the mornings. Then on the third day, she swallows her nerves, opens up her flip phone and dials his number. 

Story Two: Loving You For Too Long: The Untamed Partner

Intro:

“I did something.” Vanessa heard the trepidation coming from her husband’s voice. They were laying quietly having an affectionate moment and feeling calm. They had just rekindle their marriage a month earlier after an eight month separation. They wanted to focus on building their lives together.

Vanessa sat up in bed and looked at Eric intensely. She saw shame in his face. He didn’t look at her.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

“I’m the worst man. I’m sorry.” 

Fear hit Vanessa's heart. Thoughts were clouding her mind. What was Eric talking about?

“What the fuck happened!” She started getting irritated and impatient with her husband's delay.

“Someone’s pregnant.”

Vanessa felt sharp pains clenching inside her chest. She couldn’t breathe. Their young daughter was sleeping in the next room. What was going to happen to my family? She thought. The tears started falling.

Story Three: Loving You For Too Long: The Distant Connection

Intro:

“What does your tattoo mean?” Vanessa was reluctant to answer the man’s question. She had felt him looking at her while she was waiting at the bar to order drinks for herself and her friends. She did not intend to be social with anyone other than the people she came to meet. 

She glanced at him quickly. He looked like a modest man, no flashy clothing, no gaudy jewelry, he wore a simple watch.

“It means, Live, Love, and Laugh.” 

“That’s nice. My name is Marcus. A few of my friends and I are visiting from out of town. We travel together every year.” 

“I love that. Do you want to come join my friends and I at our table?” 

Vanessa and Marcus sat to themselves for almost an hour getting familiar with each other. They focused on each other’s words. She wanted to know more about him and he asked equally engaging questions. He was pleasant. He invited Vanessa and her friends to join him and his friends later that evening. He told her not to worry about anything and that she was going to have a great time. Again, Vanessa was reluctant. Even though they spent an hour getting to know each other, he was still a stranger. 

“So Ms. Vanessa, what do you think of me?”

“Umm…You’re decent.”

“DECENT?” It was as if Vanessa had thrown a dagger at him, “Okay, I’m decent then.” It seemed that Marcus was prepared to show her that he was more than decent.