“Women aren’t made to be understood. They are made to be loved.” - Oscar Wilde

Question for all of you: What do you consider being independent?

Here's my definition. Someone who is independent relies on themselves and utilize resources to help themselves get through an obstacle. An independent person doesn't lean on anyone else to help them financially. Your car, your insurance, your meals, your home etc. Now, there may be some confusion with people who have roommates, some may need a roommate due to financial reasons or if someone can afford to live alone, but rather share a space with someone, maybe someone who is financially independent, but not emotionally or socially independent.

A person who maybe financially independent, may still need to depend on others for other types security and validation, like they cannot be alone or they constantly need people around them to feel comfortable and important. And I think this is what my Auntie was telling me about not being so independent. I am so used to doing things myself that any inkling of someone who isn't a family member wanting to be there for me, I get so guarded. I didn't even depend on my ex-husband fully.

I also think independent people are also very private people, but don’t hold me to this because I cannot speak for everyone. I just think that people who have come up on their own, don’t include too many people in their decision making or different aspects of their lives. For instance, people may see me out being social and having fun. They may know of me, but they don’t know much about me. They may think I go out all the time or that my life is full of leisure activities, when actually I’m in the house most nights and my leisure activities consist of listening to one of my playlist or watching old movies. But people may have certain ideas of me because of their particular interaction with me. Although, I think at the very least, people see that I am a happy person who is easy to talk to.

I do think that being too independent can be a crutch because you have become so conditioned to only trusting yourself and only a select few people. I lean on myself fully, if there’s someone I need assistance with, my first call is to my father, after that it all depends on what I need and who I know that may have the knowledge or tools to help me. Although, this can interfere with your relationships. So I like to go to places by myself most times and if I run into people, then I run into them, but my girlfriends hate that I am like this. They always get on me about not being alone, but I do not see it like that. While my guy friends fully understand my purpose for this. So with guys that I have been involved with, there were times I would not reach out for days at a time or step out without inviting them. I meant no harm by it, it’s just what I am comfortable with doing. Or in another aspect, I have not always been great with asking them about their day and keeping routine conversations going with them and again, I meant no ill intent, and it also did not mean I was not thinking of them, I just am so used to my own daily routines and tasks.

I believe when you are in a relationship or have any sort of intimate involvement with someone, there is a subconscious expectation of you. You are expected to say certain things, change certain things, and act a certain way. And I completely understand that, but what if you are already kind of set into your life and like how it is, how much are you willing to adjust for the sake or health of your relationship? So this is something that I have not been well versed in because I still kept my walls up in previous dealings with men and never fully let them in. So I guess a man having patience is what will work best for me and knowing how to explain things to me to help my see why having someone could bring value or be a benefit to my life in several ways and actually acting on that.

Although, with everything that I have done and continuing to do for myself, having a man with the same mindset would be ideal, but he’d have his set routines and ways about him too. At what point would we know to make changes for each other? I’m not saying I require us to integrate all parts of our lives with one another, but for us to balance and comprehend each other we would need to let each other in, aside from just stepping passed the doorway. I think this is why I avoid getting too involved with someone, because when I do take time to think about all of this, it’s a lot. And I am still on the mode of not wanting a partner and having a companion instead who understands that I like and need my space to be able to be the best me, but to also be a man of his action and appreciating the woman I am without making me feel bad or being inconsiderate of my feelings, time, and space.

I’m harmless, a man should not be scared of me, but in the same breathe, I’m not the easiest person to be involved with and I fully admit that. I have my life set in place and that is a result of who I am and who I have become. Maybe I’ll come across someone who will know just exactly how to open me up without making me feel I’m giving up too much of myself and still makes me feel supported and understood. Although, there’s a part of me who thinks this too much of an expectation for anyone, so I do even bother letting anyone try. So yeah, I see it, being too independent can be a problem whether you are a woman or a man.

Be safe everyone.