“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

• But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.