I gave the world two extra…

Growing up, my father did everything he could to give my siblings and I a comfortable life.  He put aside his own wants to appease our wishes.  He worked, cooked, did all the shopping, school meetings, took us to practices…he did it all. 

In hindsight, he may have done too much.  Although, my siblings and I aren’t living overly lavish, we do have a sense of security knowing that our Father will not let us completely fall flat on our faces.  He is our crutch. 

In my early 20’s I spent money like it was water and anytime I got into a bind or needed extra cash, I called Daddy.  He has bought me several cars (even after I crashed one while being stupid and playing speeding racer on I95), he’s paid off a few of my bills, helped with some of my other expenses and then some. – Image him doing all this for THREE kids.  Don’t get misinformed, he didn’t do everything for me, there were some financial life lessons I had to learn on my own, but Daddy did pitch in more so than not. I am grateful that he was able to do all that he did, but I sometimes wonder if I would have learned to be more self-sufficient earlier on in life if he did not come to my rescue so much?

I’m the oldest of my siblings and those who have multiples can maybe agree that the first child receives or was handed more discipline growing up than your other children.  My father and I have had a few discussions about this anytime I see him being more lenient with my brother and sister, the conclusion is always, “Your first child is your example child.” (This may mean several things depending on how you parent.) And he even once said to me, “I want you to be better.” I give my Father a little break since my siblings are 1 year a part from one another and I am 5/6 years older than both, so when he only had to deal with one adolescent with me, he did his best dealing with two adolescent teens with them, but all of us were still a little too spoiled and we process the realities of life differently than most.  My Father coddled us and we took advantage of that and we began to expect it every time something was going badly in our lives. – A behavior I don’t want my kids to develop.

Today, my relationship with my Father is one of the best.  He is watching me elevate professionally, making better decisions in my personally, be a parent to my children, and on the flip side, I am seeing him settle into his own life and rediscovering his passions.  Yet, in true Daddy form, he is behaving the same way towards his grandchildren that he did with his own kids…Who lets a 9 year old dictate what’s for dinner or decides where the family vacation should be? – My Dad. (My son practically has his Pop-Pop wrapped around his fingers and let me not get started on how my daughter gets her way with him.)

With what I learned from my Father, my own experiences, and knowing what type of people I want my kids to be, I know I cannot be the same parent my Dad was for me and these are my reason why:

• I’m a woman: My instincts and my perceptions differ from a male’s point of view.  Although I don’t want to push my agenda on my kids, I want them to understand certain traditional gender roles, such as my son opening door for girls or walking on the outside of the street, and my daughter not chasing after boys (Ladies, we don’t chase the men, that is NOT OUR PLACE. – I also tell my daughter not to expect someone to take her somewhere that she cannot afford to go on her own.)

• I’m not quiet:  I’m not outrageously vocal or offensive, but I do speak my mind and I do want my kids to not only be vocal on what they believe in, I want them to understand why they are passionate about something.  I don’t want them to be sheep and accept everything they see or hear; I want them to do the research and process information effectively.

• I am parenting in today’s world: With each new generation, the environment differs from the last. Let’s not sugarcoat it, there are severe matters in this world that I cannot protect my kids from, but I have to be diligent in giving them the tools on how to appropriately react and behave towards anything that is against them.

• I’m not a helicopter parent: Unlike my Father, I am not really a “Soccer Mom”.  I’m proactive with their academics and very adamant about them doing well with their studies.  I let my kids make their own choices on what they want to do outside of school and they can come talk to me if there are issues.  I am not one of those parents who thinks my children are saints and can do no wrong. – I know my kids and yes, they can be assholes…they ARE being raised my me and I know how I can be. So, I may protect their choices in public, but in private, we have a sit down and talk about what should happen next time.

• I am not going to be their Emergency ATM: Again, unlike my Father, my kids are going to have an understanding of their own finances and how it will impact them if they go beyond their means.  I’m very brazen with this topic mainly because after I began to see how hard I had to work to support the life I want; I encourage my kids to understand that I’m not just going to hand out an “easy button” for them.  I give them trips, lunch/dinner dates, and shopping sprees at times, but anything they want on their own, there is work to be involved.

• Self-Care: I talk about this a lot and this is important for parents as well. Aside from being a parent, I am still an individual.  I still need to take care of myself and make sure my state of mind is in a good place so I can be a good mother.  Some parents may think Self-Care is selfish, but I require it and this is something my Father and I differ on.  He believes you just take on your responsibilities and keep going, whereas I believe I need to stop and take breaks every now and then.  My father also doesn’t believe in stress, anxiety, or depression, he just keeps doing what he has to do. I am not my Father in this regard.

No one can anticipate how you will be as a parent when your facing different scenarios. You just take from what you saw or didn’t see when you were being raise and do what You feel is best for your family. My father an I do not agree on the many ways I am bringing up my kids and I didn’t agree on some of the ways he has brought me up, but here we are and this is what I am doing. What we do agree on is that I love my kids, he loves his kids and his grandkids and we are both going to do what we believe is best for our families.